Hey! I want to use this free empty day I have to write myself. I am glad you are here reading this or having some interest on it.
I don't know where to begin. I have always being a rare being, honestly, and maybe I chose that for this life myself. The more time that passes, the more I have come to understand how similar but also absolutely different I am to the rest of people. I know we are all the same, what I mean is that the path I've followed is my path instead of the path I was supposed to walk. And I remember making this decision as a young child.
So, I am here because of many reasons. One of them is that I did not treat Desteni or whatever this platform means as I would have liked to, but, on the other hand, I also did what I wanted to do. I had many reasons to leave my process, I am glad I did, and all I have gone through since then has been enriching experiences. I was at a dead end back then when I decided to be done with this part of me, and just there was not anything more here for me. That's my path, and that's how I wanted to react to desteni back then. I miss and like however one thing about the perspective of desteni, and it is the commitment. I miss having people in my life who are committed to making the best out of themselves. Some people try, others do some few things about it, but there is just no commitment most of the times, and for avarage human beings as we are, we need commitment. In your life you will find the good days, days that you are in love with commitment, bad days, days that you are just hurt by your commitment, and empty days, like today which are like days of rest for me. No need to do or not to do, I am just here waiting for next week to charge myself. And, so, commitment is what is common between all those things, the truth that unifies those parts of you that somehow seem not to care about the same thing you truly love and appreciate.
So, I have honestly only found that a few times in my life. One is a guitar teacher I had which I admire and love unconditionally, he is for me the foundation of myself, he was one year teaching me things by his mere presence and he is who I most trust. Another, the concerts, concerts feel sometimes like something bigger than myself, and that is a great source of support.
So, another place where I found it is destiny. Also, in one relationship I had with a girl there was this commitment too but it ended up in failure. I am looking forward to find a new commitment in the future.
And so this is one thing I miss, the community of desteni supporting each other for everyone involved doing their best. And I have decided to write myself here not only because I enjoy it but because even if I am committed, even if I had days where if you saw me I would blow your mind, even if I am proud of myself and the piece of me I take care of, there are days that I just give up. And I believe this is because of a lack of commitment. For example, there is this girl that I am attracted to, and there is nothing between me and her, but when I am with her I feel I want to be committed to the best of me and I want to never give up and to really explore into my potential. So, I do see what being committed would be like. But, in real life, day by day, even if I have my projects, my groups of music, my studies, my job, apart from this girl... There is really nothing that pushes me to be committed. I used to have this teacher, but he is gone, and even if I miss him there is nothing more to it, I am just here. And I have days that I can't seem to see what I am heading towards. Listen, I am a 22 years old man, I am hard working, I barely take drugs, I eat healthy, I do yoga, I meditate sometimes, read good stuff, I am educated, I am a good piece of support for this world, but not always to be honest. There is like this inner imbalance in me, and people see it and notice it more that I would like. I'd like that they only saw the good of me, I would like to always be that, but there are days that I literally dive into a hole of fear anxiety and depression, and I am just there looking for help while I know that anybody can help me. And they can't, it's how things are, only you can help yourself, and also, be careful when people try to 'help' you. The way I describe that place it's just like hell, everything which is real works against you, truly against you, and you are forever a piece of failure.
But anyway, that went too far, I was just talking about this hole I dive into sometimes. Honestly, I blame my parents for it, and this society, and this unfair world, this unfair world is what I blame. Me? Who am I? I don't know, that's the question. I was just a developing kid and now I am a grown up. I know I suck sometimes, there are many things to be improved, I just sometimes seem to not see the goal of my commitment. As I said, this girl I talked about seems to bring it to me, but I don't know what to think about that. I guess I'd rather keep working on myself. It's just as I said, difficult sometimes, cause I don't see. I have tried making songs and lyrics and it has kind of helped, I also play guitar all day which has been there for me unconditionally all my life. I am doing fine I think, but I am not all that I can be. I need to be estable, It doesn't matter whose fault this is, I need to do something to solve this. But what, or how. I thought about how self-instrospective I used to get when I wrote myself in the blogs, like if I was talking to myself, like now. It was also very healthy for me because I had a reason to focus my mind, now that I don't seem to see my commitment, the focus... Well, it easily goes away. And I am not saying I do bad stuff for myself, like, I am a healthy human, but I am also very rare (for me), like, if I am committed, I am the best, if I am not committed, I easily become the worst. I have no middle ground. I am not normal, I think, I don't know.
So, I like to think of desteni as something personal for each human. Not as an external idea, or a business, or something outside. If desteni exists it is your own space And also, desteni itself will support you because I have listened to many interviews and they are good material.
I don't think desteni, if it exists the way it should be according to me, it's bad or anything, I have just called it cult sometimes because it is the most similar thing that exists compared to it. But if you think about it the biggest scariest cult is the world, and it sucks, don't be a part of it (I just mean within yourself, you obviously have to work lol).
So, I once decided it was healthy for me to break completely with what desteni has done for me. And I appreciate I did, and I recommend sometimes breaking with things which are important to you, to discover who you are, and then decide who you are in relation to them. This is for me the foundation of being myself and a human being. It is to grow up.
Also if we think of desteni, as a concept, it is something universal, and personal within yourself. It's the way your life unfolds. You can be against it, or in favour of it, but always to keep growing and keep what is good about everything. For me, I needed to take a break and destroy everything, but it does not mean I have stopped living, and desteni and these blogs are the place where I, casually, explain my life. I would also like if I said I have understand some things about how the mind works, but that is entirely depending and your own viewing about your own mind.
Anyway, I am looking forward to making more blogs like this one, well more writings rather this is not a blog lol, there are many interesting thing to talk about.