Tormod's blogg

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tormod
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 13 Apr 2019, 22:23

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... r-complex/

828 – Righteousness, morality and savior complex




These days, in my desteni I process, I am once more faced with my righteousness, my point of morality and my savior complex. These a elements that are not new to me, but I don’t think I have highlighted it in a sufficient manner, meaning my awareness on these matters are not clear enough.

So what it means is basically that I have walked a lengthy process through schizophrenia, addictions and a life in uproar and sabotage, counter to the establishment. This sort of suffering I have more or less made peace with. It is my making and my baking. I am very proud of that accomplishment, and have reason for so, and over all for being where I am today. Still it strikes me today how righteousness, morality and my savior complex, can strike me out and create conflict within me. I mean no one likes a moralist – to tell them what to do. Or similar no one likes the righteous to brag and be a big shot – about what is “right” and what is “wrong”, or what is “good” or “bad” – in life. And lastly no one needs saving, we have to come to that point our selves – to save ourselves – no one can save us – but ourselves. And even though I want to save others – it can’t be done – it is up to self. Self has to want it and walk it.

So again I am reminded by these 3 characters playing on within me. I will by this writing be more aware of such leveling in my mind, and flag point out to self when it occurs and these personalities appear.

So for instance with alcohol. I was very addicted to alcohol for many years. I would drink several days of the week, for many years. I was escaping with it. I was medicating my schizophrenia with it. And I did lots of hurtful things being drunk. That point of me having (for 7 years) been sober now, does not make me superior to a drunk person or to people who consume alcohol. However that is how our minds is set up – to moralize and to blame, judge and to act righteous and even to feel like “I have to save you” – mentality (savior complex) to people who are in a such situation (example: alcohol consume)

This is my point here with the alcohol example, that in the slightest movement in my mind/brain when I see people drink and consume alcohol – and in a split second – I touch into righteousness and morality personalities (polarities) – where I grant myself the right to act superior, upper, and with morality over and at them – being a real dictator and moralist in my ways – only to prove that I am better than them – because I have overcome my addiction of alcohol. With being a “dictator” I mean to create a new level of mind, with my living to be the only value. A level where I roam lol. That you are inferior if you have not quit and mastered the addiction/consume of alcohol, like “don’t talk to me if you drink”, or “you have no value as long as you are a consumer of alcohol”, or “you medicate with alcohol, what a lowlife you are” – such a dictating back-chats of mind and superiority/righteousness.



So these 3 particular words: righteousness, morality and savior complex – I hereby (again) make myself aware of, and make it clear to myself that this is issues that I will look out for and to keep an eye on.



I will release myself with self forgiveness :



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act righteous and superior to another, where I have walked through some point – and they have not, and I make myself “good” and them “bad” for that situation and difference. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lash out with morals and righteousness onto people that do not have the same practice, living and awareness that I have, and that I would feel like moralizing over them and judging them for their lack/bad and perceived inferiority to my (upper) superiority.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me into a dictator over others that have other ways of dealing with life and with circumstances – that act different to me and that have other ways of living, where I mean by dictator I would present a mind level that is for my accomplishment only that is designed for my triumph and superiority and that has no room/space for other views or possibilities.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 13 May 2019, 20:22

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... -scenario/

Day 829 – worst case scenario



So I was inspired to write about this point of worst case scenario. Meaning what of my past, my history could I possibly see that could haunt me to this day ? What from my past could possibly if ever, have a effect, a consequence or a worst case scenario to play out in my life today or in the future ?



So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to have and see a certain consequence to play out, a worst case scenario to happen to me…… that would be very unpleasant to my experience and it would be uprooting to say the least, where I see that the chances for this playing out is lesser than tiny and still it lingers in my back, like a glow in the dark, where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really come to terms with; if such “worst case scenario” should go down, and occur to me, then I simply have to deal with that then. If shit should come down on me, then I simply have to stand and face that – in such relations, and make the best of my situation. Where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and to run the worst case scenario over and over again in my mind, in fear and distrust that would simply drain me of energy and make me depressed.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at other people’s lives – where billions of beings suffer today, and I fear to end up like them, suffering, starving, hurting, and in abuse.

Where in I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to fully trust myself that my past is forgiven, it is done, it holds no more power over me, I can lower my shoulders and breathe, and fully and completely trust my own self forgiveness, my integrity, and realize that I am the maker and baker of my reality, through the words I live and express as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my past deeds, thoughts and actions could have been of such a alarming degree and level that consequences from that point is inevitable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to suffer badly from who I was in the past, where in this I realize that I am that suffering today as I have not yet completely forgiven myself there is still something that lingers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need that something to linger for me to motivate myself and “putt fire under my ass” – to move where I see that I have been living this believe that is how things are, and to think that is how my life is meant to play out and I have to settle with that – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to see and really consider in detail and self trust, how I need to settle myself – clear and clean without that fear of consequences, and fear of any scenario that is going to play itself out.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 23 May 2019, 13:48

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... -who-i-am/

Day 830 – creation, goals and who I am


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must hurry up and crate something, I must create something huge and massive in my world and environment that has a impact that is felt for us all, where I fail at seeing that it is my work that is done consistently over time, the daily deeds that really matter that can tip the great load, and whatever I can do in my everyday life will make the greatest change – meaning it is not wrong to have long term goals in my living, it’s just that to be able to reach those long term goals, I must break it down to midterm goals and then break that down to daily goals, meaning “to do what is easy like it is hard – so that what is hard will in its turn become easy” – so that within doing what needs to be done on a daily basis I can over time complete great tasks and achieve my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have clearly enough defined my goals, so I will do that again now for the record.



– My long turn goal is to introduce self forgiveness as a self help tool to the masses – specifically for my share, from what we today call psychiatry and users of psychiatry, and within that create a world that is best for all to live in – to experience that safety, that self trust, of how we individually have self forgiveness as a tool to assist us out of mind’s, matrix and systems, and that we can build a world based on oneness and equality, a equal money system, that in all sense serves life for all beings.

– Then my midterm goals, is for me to visit institutions, hospitals, schools and similar places – for me to share, talk and communicate about my example through schizophrenia and addictions, with forgiving myself in great detail, to prove how I have marginalized my schizophrenia, and experience freedom from minds programs and to be my own savior. To show how self can do this – no matter the diagnosis or history, if I can do it anyone can do it. To place myself within the (matrix) system and radically change it / flip it over from my example.



– In my daily goals, I want to see that my example is the “proof in the pudding” meaning for me to live self forgiveness and to be fore – giving in my thought, word and deed, to assist people that are related to psychiatry or mental suffering, to assist them through my example – to see that the ultimate help and comes from within the self. And that to forgive the self is the very key in life’s quest. For me to be the best version of myself every day.

Within this I commit myself to slow down and take a breather. I commit myself to consider my words one extra time to make sure I come clear, and that my/the message is coming through, to slow down and be sure that I stand in integrity, self trust, responsibility and self honesty.

Within this I am also aware of the dimension of righteousness that might fuck with me and to know that I can’t change someone else – they must want and walk change for them self. There is no point in me trying to force self forgiveness to anyone – that is a losing game. I can only show and tell, and prove from my example. They must self walk into self honesty – from self forgiveness, I can’t tell them they must do this. They must will it from (the) self.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 02 Jul 2019, 19:24

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... rgiveness/


Day 831 – self change and forgiveness

Slowly but ever so surely our world – and everything within it, the universe, the atoms, the elements, and all that is a has been, merges towards total change – into equality and oneness. It’s like seeing perfection and then hearing the screams of separation that taints that perfect picture – knowing that those elements – those screams – from self – can be forgiven – can even be forgotten. Those elements that stand in separation, the inequality, the greed, the abuse, the lesser than, is something that we can do something about – and we are. In fact everything is doing something about it. Everything breathes and everything is working together to create a better world – in the face of our thoughts of separation and limitations – it’s all coming back to self.

It’s about learning to live ones best standards. To be the best version of self possible. It’s about forgiving all the elements of self that does not serve life. It’s about honoring self and life, equal and one. This might sound impossible to many, but then again: I-am-possible. The end of the world, doomsday, have been here for quite some time. Everyday a estimate of 25 000 children dies from not having money to buy good food. The abuse that have been taking place by humans on earth have been massive – and that is a very understatement. But today we know so much more. It’s like we have bitten the apple of knowledge – the chase down the rabbit hole – and now we must deal with our self – because like the rabbit hole, the bible, the matrix movie, modern movements of people, and all prophets have said and are saying, it starts with each of us individually. We are all equally and individually the solution, responsible, for creating a real heaven on earth. We are all equally the key to a better life and reality to share amongst us. At the moment that relies on a few common standards. The one and most important standard, in this quest of self improvement, is to understand and change the relationship to oneness own mind.
When we start to understand our own minds and take responsibility for all that we are, can be and have been, when we forgive and live fore-giving in our nature – reality, that is real change. Like Gandhi said “Be the change you want to see in the world”.

We must start with self, and with that: self forgiveness is inevitable for what we have accepted and allowed to go on in thought (!) word and deed. When we can start to let go of our past emotions and burdens and let go of our torment, that keep us in limiting views and positions, then we can truly start to be the solution as forgiveness, understanding, empowerment, honesty and real life integrity.

This is easier said than done. For me to write out the solution, is much easier than living it in real time. Making a perfect picture is easy – living it is difficult. But we are possible. We all know that we have ways to improve, we know from instant karma what we are doing in our living – that is not supportive – yet we suppress the emotion and – pass that suppression (and emotion), on to the next generation. That is how it’s been for ages.

But let me tell you something of change. I have walked and am still walking through many levels of my schizophrenic mind(s). And I have gone through lot’s of changes and improvement and development of myself. It has been a long and difficult walk, but someone had to do it. Someone had to be the real pioneers for a better reality. To move the first rocks. So I would volunteer and start my desteni I process of facing my darkness. To face all the negative, nitty-gritty, in writing out in self honesty, my memories and by forgiving it all in great detail. You see darkness is only parts of self not yet discovered, so be careful to not judge it. I have been facing some scary and monstrous and very so horrifying elements within myself. I have faced them and I have seen them as parts of me that is not supporting me, not benefiting life. I have forgiven myself as these elements in great detail, understood the point, merged with it, and then I have changed – I defused my emotional memories. I have ended my reactions (of my memories and emotions), and I have merged with myself – fused with me – and become more myself. Through and through, in oneness and equality with life as myself.

So this is a call to let you know that if I can do it: anyone can. Don’t you honestly think our children would deserve a better reality – than what we serve them today ?

“Do onto another like you want to be done onto self”

This phrase of the golden rule is something I am practicing to live by today. To live forgiveness and to practice it in real time. It is challenging but it can be done.

Self change is possible. I am living proof. Give time to:

desteni.org



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 23 Jul 2019, 11:28

Day 832 – good, bad or grounded

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... -grounded/

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in this state of constant fear and inner comparing where I think to myself that I have to do THIS thing or else THIS other consequence (bad thing) will knock me out, like my life is a game of competing with myself and I cling stronger and stronger to this belief of that my life is like a game or competing (drama) – and I find myself in great lack of real physical self trust.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself not to trust my own systems – my own self created systems/words of support, that I have created/discovered and built, in consistency and dedication over time, where I see that I spin around in my doubt and anxiety – not going anywhere but hurting myself with emotions – thinking in the back of my head, “I am lost”, “Pity me” or “I feel so bad” etc … where I fail to see and really take in that I make my life complicated and to difficult for myself – I make everything into a lol… debate within me, about what is intellect (or worthy) and what is not – basically a discussion about what is “good” and what is “bad”.

When and as I see myself in a state of trying to bring up a question about something that I do, a insecurity, a emotion, something that start to spin and create friction in my mind, I take a deep breath and I ground myself into my physical reality, I go humble on myself, I find a living word, to express and go with that – as self awareness.

I commit myself to end the inner discussion and to delete the trolls/voices/doubt that corrupt my being and my living with words of insecurity, anxiety and doubt. I commit myself to bring my focus into self, practical, physical self awareness and living.
I real eyes that me not trusting my systems is not because they are bad systems – the systems/words, works perfect, it’s just that I have not understood the most obvious simplicity of it.

This world we live in has, for eons of time, been in complete reverse. There is no “good” or “bad” – there is only that which is best for all. Equal life is here.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 29 Jul 2019, 19:55

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... ng-change/

Day 833 – expecting change


I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into irritation, anger and eventualy anxiety from wanting to see and experience change, its like I look at the news and cant see the massive shift that I expect to just occure – out of nowhere – to unite us all into one common reality, which is quite a thing to expect – but hey, that is how I was programed.

Within this I see and real eyes that this game of patience is something I can be good at – to fundament and solidify my ground, my standing – so that when there are more people ready to see that life has been in complete revers – from the self – that I can then stand as support for them and be of assistance – to show how I created my fundament / new life and share my tools of how to solidify self as part of physical reality.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 30 Jul 2019, 14:47

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... elf-image/

Day 834 – self image


I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to have a SELF IMAGE – I have to have a ideal/perception/design/picture of how I look in/to the world at large, where within this I fail to see and take into myself that to keep a self image – to slave for a idea of myself – is literally LIMITING me from being vulnerable, authentic, real and genuine.

Where I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for repeatedly slipp into this idea/concept of HOW I am supposed to look or be seen/heard in my life based on me being some kind of «supermann» or «celebrity» – a idea of self based on brainwahing of how I SHOULD be & function – bee seen/heard and experienced in the world at large.

So, I hereby take it to HEARTH (earth) I place a hand on my chest – into a tree – to connect with me – with father sky – with mother earth – to ground this idea propperly and safely and to live & be me – live who I am based on THAT WHICH IS BEST FOR ALL !

For me to shine – I have to lett go of any idea of how I think (assume) others might think of me, and live for + giving in life.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 05 Aug 2019, 17:04

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... stability/


Day 835 – my stability

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to the idea of doubt, of this need to over analyze myself, to create this idea and perception that I need to question my standing and being, my everything, driving myself into anxiety, worry and fear from not being totally clean and clear on standing in self trust and integrity with self, stable in self support.

Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for in particular question my beingness – to allow my mind to imprison my being, for the violation of my mind to make my universal being – into a slave for the energetic mind to have its energy – drive – and for my being to give into the mind – and for my over all self, to go into depression and – again – self doubt and somewhat self loathing – from how my mind/my ego takes control and my physical and my being looses – and mind/ego/greed has its desire met with energy – taking from the very physical muscles of me – the aging of me – from how hot/energetic I look as universal being – to that of being imprisoned by my mind(s) desire for that energy/substance.

Meaning that my being, the missing link if you will, the connection between my energetic/light (imaginary) mind and my physical body – (the darkness/substance) that between these dimensions that my being is showing itself (hot/energetic) and my mind desires it (from smelling the energy/fuel)

I commit myself to find the words to still be expressive as a being, to balance between my mind, being and body, to find solutions and words (!) to live and to strengthen this awareness, and find myself – stable in self support through living words. My mind is for planning and preparing, to play things out, testing, my being is who I am as (a) universal/dimensional existence – my living expression, and finally my body is the physical, the temple to be honored, the source and the substance of me.



If this interests you investigate: desteni.org



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 10 Aug 2019, 20:53

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... re-action/

Day 836 – re action


Ending the reaction to others reaction game

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for the moment I experience that is X going into a reaction and where X is totally unreasonable, I see within myself that my guts is turning and tightening, my energy start to rise and I end up going into reactions – directed at X’s reactions.

Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for teaching me to react to reactions, to continue fuel onto the reaction game, where my parents are not to blame they only live what they were taught, so it’s up to me – who can see this pattern and to be aware to know this system of reaction within me, for me to end this passed down malfunction of mankind – where I can end it and solidify that understanding of me, to manifest that as a real lasting change of self, so that I can say that I ended that passing down of this sins of the fathers.

Within this I will notify myself – ring my own alarms – when I think or feel that “I need to react” – I commit myself to take a deep breath perhaps close my eyes, to sink into myself, forgive the energy that is within me, and perhaps move out of the scene or at least not react to whatever is going down. I commit myself to real-eyes, that if I go into reactions, I am fueling the aggression, the hate, the spite and the blame within a situation. Anger, hate, spite and blame is what makes up the math of a reaction. I commit myself to end my reaction games and to lower my shoulders, breathe and remove myself from such situations, and make this into my practice and my standard – to learn some self integrity and to end the hate from within self.

If this interests you, give time to : desteni.org



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 14 Aug 2019, 17:40

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... ious-fear/

837 – Religious Fear


So this is a snippet, and a bit of a overview, of some self forgiveness from different constructs that I am working on within myself, together with support from Andrea Rossouw from : Quantum Change Kinesiology.

……..

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a construct of religion within me, of making my process, my desteni I process, my religion, where this believe of religion (polarity) is fueled by fear of awakening my schizophrenia and then fear, anxiety and worry of failing process would emerge, and into fear of process itself should find it to dump me off somehow.

Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for having this religious (polarity) fear construct in my mind to recycle itself from how I worry that my schizophrenia should awaken within me, like that was a issue, because of the revolutionary and pioneer work that I have done with forgiving and coming to a full understanding of my schizophrenia and within that stopping it on its track. Where the almost “built in” worry of my mind, will recycle itself from causing fear of waking my schizophrenia and then also fuel my religious construct of making my process a religion in itself. So the one construct from fear of waking my schiziophrenia – is feeding (from fear) my religious process construct. So they recycle each other.

So what we are looking at here is for me, 2 details for me to grasp.

The first detail is the religious process construct – how I make my process (my life) a religion of polarity and how I make my process my “God”, my deity. This sustain itself from extracting energy (fuel) – from my fear of schizophrenia and fear of re- wakening my schizophrenia. This is also the 2nd point : That I fear to waken my schizophrenia, mainly because no one has done the work I have done with self, walking self forgiveness and mind constructs to end (!) my schizophrenia. New ground for us all. Mathematically and commonsensical, the schizophrenia should not be able to re-boot itself. It is done and I stand corrected from the mental suffering that was my schizophrenia.

So from opening up this element and going into understanding of it, I can quantify the other phases that lies within the layers of such issues, and memories. Such as comparing, avoidance, worry, fear, inferiority, manipulation, anxiety etc. I can identify, understand and then change myself and then literally open the pandoras box to take direction of me in these different emotional phases – because I can see it – more clear – within myself – into-me-I-see – intimacy ! I can see the emotion/beast move within me, and then within a second, slowing down, and breathe, I can alter my standing, to forgive the energy/emotion, ground myself and be a living word, together with physical awareness/slowing down. It’s also about giving up the fearing of my the old schizophrenia to reboot itself.

This is about me getting to know myself better – to know my mind, and how it operates, into more clarity within me, for me to take more direction of self.




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