freeing myself from dread/self created in the physical

Post Reply
User avatar
Nicklk1795
Posts: 262
Joined: 19 Mar 2013, 00:06

freeing myself from dread/self created in the physical

Post by Nicklk1795 »

So i will post this as an explanation, and then the self forgiveness.

I've found in myself, and in my reality - through a way i could've avoided - that the way I have behaved, perceived, or felt has been illusion. However, some of it is natural self, but from what I have went through, has disillusioned of how vulnerable I am in regards to the system, systems, and relationships within this society/reality.

I would generally go about my day, in the past, as if I could just easily sort of do the things I needed to do, with no specificity of what was really happening around me, like being simple about everything, especially regarding my world, relationships. I've definitely learned allot, which has also exposed my ego, yet also humbles how i identify myself about everything. So this has taught me, that I have been holding onto "positivity" comfortability, and fear of being humiliated, or embarrassed, or in a magnified state - persecuted, about what energetically accumulates, or what I am vulnerable of.

So I can't quite define at the moment what these points are that I'm being disillusioned to being aware of, but It's something I'm going to have to work through, and come to terms with, so that i can continue being able to take responsibility while being equally aware of what's HERE.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "hide" from what is in my current reality.

to be continued....

User avatar
Nicklk1795
Posts: 262
Joined: 19 Mar 2013, 00:06

Re: freeing myself from dread/self created in the physical

Post by Nicklk1795 »

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to have always polarized my perspective of, what is reality, as a form of cognitive dissonance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going out, doing responsibilities, without a sense of pleasure, thus fearing responsibility, in fear of feeling bad within doing these responsibilities, due to my perspective always having a self interest in what i do, thus having an immature approach to something that I must take responsibility for, when none of it is something "special" for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to fear making mistakes, related to the mistakes I have made in my past, that were uncomfortable with the fact of having made those mistakes, and thus having ghosts so to speak, in fear others will point those short comings of my character when doing something, or talking to people, or doing a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor project myself onto the things i must do to be responsible, therefore believing that its far to difficult and heavy, do to my past mistakes, or past ruminating thoughts that are uncomfortable, or intrusive that i would normally allow in my thoughts with no consideration to how messy my thoughts were, givin that I would be under allot of stress, or doing these responsibilities with no consideration to what my thoughts were causing in my reality, for myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefor feel apprehensive around others, seeing that these perspectives and intrusive thoughts, along with my past have created allot of destruction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor judge myself heavily, due to seeing the magnitude of this.

User avatar
Nicklk1795
Posts: 262
Joined: 19 Mar 2013, 00:06

Re: freeing myself from dread/self created in the physical

Post by Nicklk1795 »

So here starting another point. picking up on ques, verses projecting my inner resonant existential experience at the time.

So I've noticed that people could pick up on something about my experience, or what it is that is consciously or what it is that is showing at a more general sense whether its conscious or deeper (from my stand point). I'm sure this is something many people are familiar with, when it comes to being around people, where there is this point of pointing out what the other person is experiencing, or displaying in their behavior or thoughts. Yes you can't necessarily "pick up" or "know" what someone is thinking, but there's also a point where you can read someone, and generally understand by what ever known method that person is using, or if you're doing it.

So I've been struggling with this, because I've been more conscientious of what i do, my thoughts, what i participate in the mind with this point being a pretty big factor. It also is like there's this constant sense of having the big white bear in the room, and trying not to mention, or point it out, which actually could be activated by something "intrusive" coming up in my awareness, or already being paranoid about what that point is. This has opened up a new awareness of how much more specific reality is.

TO BE CONTINUED...

User avatar
Nicklk1795
Posts: 262
Joined: 19 Mar 2013, 00:06

Re: freeing myself from dread/self created in the physical

Post by Nicklk1795 »

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ponder on thoughts, worries, and relizations, without directing them here in the point of capable applicaation to change what is in my mind/who I am in these moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor create more room within myself of worry, self judgment, and sabotage my well being and life in general.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself to escapism, or "avoiding" my reality, when having that understanding of exposure to this reality, and in that go into escaping in my room, or start creating thoughts of self loathing, and not wanting to be a man, when in reality its painful anyways throughout having challenges and being independent, and therefor judge myself and try to sabotage myself from taking responsibilities, even if I'm following progression in my response to my life.

User avatar
Nicklk1795
Posts: 262
Joined: 19 Mar 2013, 00:06

Re: freeing myself from dread/self created in the physical

Post by Nicklk1795 »

So this is a point that I would like to share, when it comes to balancing out completing tasks, and how to apply a schedule or time that is consistent, and equally doable without seeming too much of a resistance, whether being because "its boring", or "too hard".

So I play guitar, music, I have chores, I could have a job, i could be going to college, or whatever I have to do to consistently progress in something. Lets start with guitar.

Ill pick up the guitar for about 30 minutes of good practice, and then I ponder as to if I should throw in another 30 minutes of practice. Then I start getting resistance to practicing more, yet it could also be a point, that I should just continue 30 minutes daily.

When I put more work into it, my existential mind starts changing, which I then try to leverage to that, to not "feel like im lazy or slacking off". The point i'm making, is that I would like to take responsibilities, projects, school effectively where I develop the sense of being able to work through something, for the sake of getting it done with, which would be much better than not putting in the time, simply because I feel bad or just feel lazy or whatever excuse I have to not do it.

So this is something I would like to expand myself in doing more, participating more, and free myself from procrastination.

User avatar
Nicklk1795
Posts: 262
Joined: 19 Mar 2013, 00:06

Re: freeing myself from dread/self created in the physical

Post by Nicklk1795 »

So I would like to lay out a point, on self trust, and also applying self care in terms of laying out boundaries in how I experience myself, like self confidence/self love, and creating more of a perspective of how I treat myself, when it comes to my thoughts, my behaviors, how I treat myself in general. i see this to be something that can support me when in "negative" situationS, or if what Im experiencing something of anxiety, or self judgement about myself and what's happening, or what i would identify something as negative.

Allot of my life, I would have this sense of self judgement, whether it's something Im creating in terms of self identity, or if its something I have to change about something.

So what I would like to investigate about this is, how i can more have a self caring idenitity, and not let something be a reflection of percieving myself as negative.


thank you
.............

User avatar
Nicklk1795
Posts: 262
Joined: 19 Mar 2013, 00:06

Re: freeing myself from dread/self created in the physical

Post by Nicklk1795 »

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to punish myself b y placing myself in situations mentally, where I would fail or fall deep, in that I then judge myself as incompetent to be able to function in regular relationships, and then within this becoming paranoid about everyday relationships, or responsibilities being to overwehleming, due to these mental relationships I create into scenarios where I would fall deep or hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I cant enjoy myself each day, and feel that it has to be painful all the time, "because I'm becoming a man, and im 25 years old" where I feel I have to rush into facing these very hard scenarios in my life, to the point of trying to be bold about everything in terms of relationships and responsibilities that I simply would fail at at this point where I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor hold myself in-prisoned to not be happy, or fulfilled by life day in and day out, which within this, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor become depressed, because I hold myself guilty to experiencing fulfillment, rather than seeing where I can open up points that could expand my fulfillment in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to downgrade my worth in life, where I feel negative when being criticized, or when I see i lack ability, rather than focusing on what I can change, or get better at, to be a better version of myself, therefor to be fulfilled in this sense of support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor not give myself the chance to step into something, or into situations that are challenging, because I fear being criticized and mocked, or made fun of.

to be continued...

Post Reply

Return to “Writing Yourself to Freedom”