Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

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Day-86-2019-02-28-My Con Front

Post by mikelammers »


a hostile or argumentative situation or meeting between opposing parties: a confrontation with the legislature

- Four months of violent confrontation between government and opposition forces.

• a situation where two players or sides compete to win a sporting contest: the race promised a classic confrontation between the two top runners in the world.


• Come face to face with (someone) with hostile or argumentative intent
• A problem or difficulty present itself to (someone) so that action must be taken
• face up to and deal with (a problem or difficulty): we knew we couldn't ignore the race issue and decided we'd confront it head on.
• Compel (someone) to face or consider something, especially by way of accusation: Merrill confronted him with her suspicions.
• appear or be placed in front of (someone) so as to unsettle or threaten them: we were confronted with pictures of moving skeletons.


mid 16th century: from French confronter, from medieval Latin confrontare, from Latin con- ‘with’ + frons, front- ‘face’.


1 the front part of a person's head from the forehead to the chin


• An expression is shown on the face
• An aspect of something

2 the surface of a thing, especially one that is presented to the view or has a particular function

• Geometry each of the surfaces of a solid: the faces of a cube.
• A vertical or sloping side of a mountain or cliff: the north face of the Eiger.
• The side of a planet or moon facing the observer: we can often see the dark face of the moon by earthshine.
• The front of a building: a series of loggias make up the face of the church.
• The plate of a clock or watch bearing the digits or hands: a dial like the face of a clock.
• The distinctive side of a playing card: she scattered a deck of cards face down.
• The obverse of a coin.


4 Short for typeface.


1 be positioned with the face or front towards (someone or something) (face my face)

2 confront and deal with or accept: honesty forced her to face facts | [no object] : he was too old to face up to the responsibilities of his position.

• have (a difficult situation) in prospect
• (of a problem or difficult situation) present itself to and require action from (someone)
• (face someone/thing down) overcome someone or something by a show of determination he climbed atop a tank to face down a coup.


3 cover the surface of (something) with a layer of a different material: the external basement walls were faced with granite slabs.


- Face down (or downwards, humbleness, grounded, face the earth first, face me first)
- Someone's face fits (someone has the necessary qualities for something)


- Face the music

Do I have a choice? (face the show, the carnival, the noise, the crowd, the circus, myself within and as the system, question mark - ? -)

- Confronted with the unpleasant consequences of one's actions. (The acting, from con-structive to structural behavior)!

- ACT2 -

• Used for emphasis, to refer to the existence or disappearance of someone or something (something got to give).
• With the face or surface turned upwards to view (always look from the other perspective as a reflection first).
• Stop harassing or annoying someone (take away the friction and align).
• Have the face to do something (we talk on Friday and an agreement will be scripted on paper and camera).
• In one's face (all will be revealed).
• Directly at or against one (no delay addressing the BS within me).
• When confronted with (the moment I react or re-act?).
• Despite (sometimes the current is too strong and I have to go with the flow, BEWARE OF THE UNDERCURRENTS!)
• Be humiliated or come to be less highly respected: the code of conduct required… (how both parties feel!)
• Produce a facial expression that shows dislike or some other negative emotion (dislike, opinion, mind, projections reactions, timing, catching myself)
• Informal very drunk or under the influence of illegal drugs (energy as emotions and reactions while in the system)
• Without knowing all of the relevant facts (investigate everything meaning the other person too before I re-act)
• Act as if something unpleasant is not as bad as it really is (not being honest while sharing agreements on the work floor)
• Informal apply make-up to one's face (the faces at work versus the backchat in the head)
• Avoid humiliation (versus face the shame and forgive yourself, motherfucker!)
• Enable someone to avoid humiliation (Protecting people although it’s not in their own interest)
• Resist with determination (Take a stand but do it principle-based and make it work in alignment with the system)
• Reject something in a brusque or ungracious manner (Do it gracefully and with humor because YOU CAN!)
• Openly in one's presence (the agreement will be public as it is a protocol, not only for me but for the brand personality/organization as a whole)

Middle English: from Old French, based on Latin facies ‘form, appearance, face’.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to live according to my realization that I’m not able to see ‘everything’ in my daily reality in real time yet, thus to always come back to that first point of slowing down and observation and within that keep my reactions contained until all relevant points have been addressed regarding the moment, situation or relationship that needs attention.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to act according to my own principles of investigate everything and keep what’s good in relation to the people I work with, within that seeing and realizing that in the system everything is ‘grey’ and unbalanced thus to walk a balanced walk is like walking on a ship on open ocean and within that I forgive myself for not acting as the boats mate I should be in relation to what is required of me as a boats mate on this relation ship with my colleagues

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to see that although I might be right it does not make things right, and within that I forgive myself for completely dismissing a colleague, missing the point that I am here to support others like myself by walking the same points and correct them instead of projecting my own frustration and experience unto that other person as misplaced professionalism.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that although colleagues don’t open their mouth they talk behind my back within and as reaction to my behavior and that creates relationships as energies, backchat, projections, and conspiracies, because we are in the system and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that my behavior is perhaps just as important as my professional skillset.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to act according to my own observations that being successful in the industrial/commercial system is 75% psychology and 25% skills, communication and professionalism, and within that I forgive myself my own stupidity by not calibrating and aligning my actions and behavior to that simple formula.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to push myself through my resistance by pulling back, seeing realizing that the situation I find myself in is more multidimensional than I thought and that it involves all and within that I see that although I might be right, the overall situation is wider, broader and it also involves many more people than just S and even if I am, as a professional, contextually and factually right, and see other things than others, there is no relevance in this situation for others but just me in relation to how I see the future, seeing realizing that this is not what other people see or able to see

Even though I stick to the facts I should realize that the moment people are able to take something personal because I am the person speaking, it’s all ready to late because the relationship is formed and there is no way back, seeing realizing that people find it ‘too much, or too complicated and because it’s personal colleagues accept and allow themselves to become insulted, and belittled by me not seeing realizing that they can only bring that on themselves and within that it’s my obligation to not form relationships or judge the incompetence of others in my working environment.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that people dishonor themselves by creating fear and within that will capitulate to their own mind when faced with an unknown challenge one has to physically address, just like I was faced with myself in the past when someone confronted me with a fact or truth I did not saw, and within this I commit myself to align my words, voice tonality, and expression to the principle of the Anti mentor!

How to bring forth truth within this as ‘perfect timing?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the specify points regarding what is playing out here by re-acting to soon and within this I see that it starts with evaluating myself more thoroughly meaning, as long as I still feel the slightest energies or movements within me I know it’s on and within this phase it is paramount to NOT express myself outwards in relationships AT ALL seeing what is playing out here based on someone who walked into my life as a colleague that is facing the exact same issues I was a few years ago, and within that I should be grateful for this opportunity to cross reference myself with this person in daily life as the real-time mirror I have available to observe my own actions, behavior, words, expression, and reactions within and as the point of communication in and with the system as the journey thus the experiences I gathered as the professional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my crucial structure of ‘fundamental balance’ miss this point where there has always been a unbalance between my work as skills and experience versus my ability to communicate on the same level, seeing realizing that I am only as strong and effective as the sum of my parts and within that I focussed more on developing so-called ‘ professional skills and competencies not seeing realizing that how I behave I part of that same skillset

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not incorporate and align my physical expression, posture, talking, voice tonality within and as the professional skillset I see I need or have available to become the best version of myself within and as the professional in order to realize my full potential as a professional human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted by myself as energy as irritation when things people say do not interest me or people start making professional assumptions based on the front face, the facade instead of taking the effort of lifting up the curtain, seeing realizing it’s me that has to lift the curtain for myself first in order to see the cutting edge of time presenting itself within my daily reality with people in the system.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face the pattern I am confronted with every day as myself of the noise that disturb seeing realizing that a being a disruptive strategist does not mean I have to disturb myself as well and within that I see realize and understand that my colleagues are not cases but people, and within that I forgive myself for becoming the noise as a pattern I have always participated in, a pattern that underlies thus defines me in the system as a personality and within that playing out systemized people will always break the relationship because that’s what real noise does and within that I see that this noise as disruption is who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, within that I commit myself to support myself thus my future relationships by only using my noise professionally regarding the industrial/commercial challenges I face for clients and organizations because I see realize and understand that my 'noise' is not me but a pattern or asset I can use to create or destroy relationships seeing realizing that I have properly disturbed my own thus all relationships in my life by doing this.

When and as I walk into the system and experience energy come up as my daily walk starts and the system has to lock inn - I stop, I breathe - I see, realise and understand that I am now in the moment with me here as a new day and a timeline to potential growth and opportunities if I am able to see them thus to allow myself to really be here with myself as the experience of myself and the people I meet and work with, as I see, realize and understand that I cannot be ‘fully here’ if I keep on comparing this moment with Past moments in my Mind.

I commit myself to keep my hands close, my feet on the ground, eyes focussed, my ears open and to breath to remind myself again and again to become aware of the physical components I can use as myself to unstressed myself in relation to my fear of conflict seeing realizing that that point only exists here as me as many ways, in fact as an absurd idea I have to be on top of everything all the time out of fear for conflict when all I do is create that conflict within me, as without, conflict that has created separation between me and people in my reality and within that I now see and understand that being on top of everything means I cannot see what’s happening in my basement, my core as my foundation from where I am actually walking with my head in the clouds instead of face down in the shit that is here to face as myself as I have faced myself before in my own shit and within that I commit myself to stay dirty and down and close to the ground so I can see what’s down here witch is me walking from the base as me here.

I commit myself to slowing down for real as in the physical deprogramming of myself as my walk within awareness in daily life as the walk I have to walk as the talker seeing realizing that within the system ‘success’ is defined through applying silence and patience as tools for control and that I must be able to learn how to do that by physical acts of self change I have applied and can apply from this moment on.

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Day-87-2019-03-08-Crisis Management

Post by mikelammers »

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that HERE is the space and time for me to walk my mind as how I have constructed it through symbols and words as a set body of information that is like a memorized textbook of who I believe I am but was simply given to me by someone I believed was the authority but in fact this was the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and even though I was warned not to eat of this fruit, the temptation was enough, which has exposed my true weakness, which is that I have not really cared about being real, about being here as oneness and equality with all life, but I have only ever been all about me as an experience of temptation and naughtiness and I have deceived myself into believing that I can get away with this game for eternity, but now my very creation has come full circle and is showing me at every turn that this cannot last, and that this is my last chance to stand up and change, both myself within, and the world without as what I have accepted and allowed to be created while I have been busy entertaining myself with energy.
- BP

I’m running into making some tough decisions that really need to be converted into action regarding income, fast.

To realize that HERE is the space. That took some circling around in my life to get to a point I can understand and see what this practically means.

This daily shock where I am with myself and move rather linear from point a to b. Like this moment here writing, reasonably stable. Then when I go out to do my daily stuff amongst people, the energies start to manifest. The real deal so to speak.

There is no escape from myself as this is my reality. Points can be clear. Commitment is there. The focus that is required. The plan and strategy for the day are made. So I concentrate and walk into my day. And the first thing that presents itself every day is that contrast between me here writing (a linear process) and 3D reality (a multi-dimensional 3D process). A reality where the things I carry into my day cannot be that practically addressed in real time. Where I have to multitask, make decisions and plan for the future. Moments where people start talking at the same time. People become emotional, I become emotional. etc.

Layer upon layer of energy, like transparent sheets of electricity floating through the same space as me. I experience myself moving within that dynamic these days.

When I am in meetings with a lot of people it can become an overwhelming experience where I experience myself like being in a swimming pool with 300 screaming children. I can feel my body wanting to move to more stable positions in those moments. An unconscious physical reaction that's probably connected to my flee or fight patterns manifesting as unrest in my body.

I found myself in conflict with another person at work. That was addressed last Friday with a talk. That talk had effect in more than one way because the founder of the company was part of that conversation. So this time what was said was said with a witness present. The ‘four-eyes principle’. And it became clear that this person had a traumatic experience with a former manager that turned out to be a narcissist.

-?- How do I know this. Because he asked me if I was one?

I couldn’t help myself from laughing out loud at that moment, realizing that asking a narcissist if he is one is like asking a swindler if he’s a swindler. So I told him that that question was probably not the best way to test if someone is a narcissist. On top of that, I told him that he should not be surprised to find elements of narcissism within my expression because we are all self-centered morons, to begin with.

I noticed that the founder of the company saw the same thing playing out and I am glad he made an intervention because he finally saw where the projections that where made came from, and what lay at the base of this guy losing himself mentally.

So at this point, the whole construct and play out became clear to me. The fact I shared my self-reflection with this guy and the way I voiced myself clear and self-confident, triggered this mechanism related to that unresolved conflict with a narcissist in his past and the reactions and energies within him possessed him completely. Within that self-confidence was mistaken for self-centeredness and that was connected to a traumatic experience with another point in his life he connected to me.

Luckily for me, the founder of the company was present. At this point, this guy starts arguing for his limitations big time. He’s now stepping down another spot and is looking for excuses to explain why he did what he did. So I and the founder of the company make eye contact because we both see what is happening.

This was the point I had worked towards. This was exactly what I wanted to happen. It was also confirmation I needed because this was what I wanted to make clear to everyone involved. We cannot allow a whole company to go off course because of peoples personal problems with their pasts and all the irrational and emotional bullshit connected to that. It’s HOW we want to deal with these situations that is of the utmost importance.

It’s not about what is playing out but what played out before that is fucking with us here. And that was on the table now and I felt a slight release within me. The reason why we had this conversation in the first place.

System-wise it was a good talk though. But as I walked out of the office I also felt an overwhelming sadness coming up. A sadness related to where I come from myself and the long road and mistakes I made myself. I saw myself and others as this worldwide collective fuckup.

Last Monday we had our monthly meeting with the whole collective. As we were going through the agenda and points where addressed I observed this slow build-up of energy in the room. The more information was shared the more dimensions opened and more questions arose.

I could feel the room fill up with that inductive energy as I could feel it build up in myself. It took an unexpected amount of focus and concentration to keep my mind balanced, the energies under control and my reactions contained.

I realized that everyone in the room was in the same process of coping with information, the mind, and keeping stable and professional. I also felt a huge amount of suppression on top of this energy.

At one point someone asked me how I felt and I told them that inside I was hearing squeaking tires on asphalt. That was literally my experience of myself at that moment. Hard on the brakes with no anti-lock. Just this squeaking within me.

Based on a conversation I had with the founder of the company it was agreed that it would be good to address the points that were discussed and share them constructively with the rest of the collective. So it was decided to do that during our collective meeting in the form of a presentation.

There where fundamental issues addressed and discussed and I could see people struggling to place that shit in their reality. What made this so hard for me was watching some of my colleagues see specific points but suppressing them.

I could see they saw things and wanted to speak out but not able to voice themselves out of fear. I saw myself sitting there as these people because I had to go through the same shit myself. Fascinating shit because I also realized that if this crew wasn’t fucked by our minds the quality of our work would automatically go from 6 to 11.

It’s exactly what I saw myself do all these years. Not slowing down enough to be able to see a point or construct and instead a blurred picture flashes by and I react to that. Like a big flywheel of energy that starts to spin. 10 minds going into projection mode on multiple subjects simultaneously.

Over the past weeks I purposely created a situation where points that needed to be addressed in my professional environment where brought to the surface. The sewage needs to be cleaned up from time to time and that includes my own sewage.

I see people falling because they align themselves with money as greed at the cost of themselves and the quality of our work thus everything around them. Completely missing the essential point that is focused on quality instead of money. The biggest trap there is. The resonances are so strong that the whole group is sort of losing focus within this polarity thus going in all directions.

So I became aware that the focus on who we are as a (brand/image) company is with me and the founder of the company. Someone I have an intimate relationship with when it comes to our business. Someone I respect because he’s straight forward, direct, he sees what’s up and is able to voice that clearly.

And here is the problem I see.

The world has two options/directions to choose from.

1 self destruct course (old ways / dead end / revolutions / system recycling / extension)
2 best for all course (change / new ways / innovation / solutions / growth)

I experimented and invested huge amounts of time with aligning our brand’s vocabulary and actions (the way we work) as well as what we deliver to clients to nr 2. And it worked to a certain extent. Because a lot of innovation processes that is going on in the world at the moment has those components in it. Thus within the system, this resonates with progressive and smart and ahead of the pack. It had the right effect to a certain extent. Where clients started aligning with this content and these clients were inspirational to other clients.

It was an experiment and it worked to a certain extent. Within one year I was able to create a new concept for a company that wants to completely reverse the way Human Resources will be managed in the future related to work and money based on the circular economy and labor markets. Culminating in a claim that states ‘a life that works’ and an ambitious strategy for the future.

That was inspirational stuff for a company that does water retention on roofs by building ecosystems on roofs. In other words, they give cities roots. This client is active in the circular economy when it comes to energy and ecosystems.

By creating a client portfolio that is aligned with where we want to go, there is less resistance to change and we can move faster because we don’t have to make clients aware first. These clients are aware enough and because of that, we don’t have to push them so hard in a certain direction. Less resistance to change saves time thus energy. In this way, we are creating our own niche as an interesting collective for similar companies to work with. Likes attract likes.

Exactly what critical clients want. At the same time we have this internal process where more people are joining the collective but at the same time, they unconsciously move away from that point of alignment within their behavior and automatically start focusing on the quick fix. The fast deals, the short term end of the month money in the bank kind of approach.

Quite a shocker to see this happening because I saw that one specific client started attracting other specific clients. But because we are growing and more people start joining the club from different starting points, this alignment is starting to divert as well. We are losing solidity!

And this is what I experience as a fundamental deviation that is not going to support us in the future as we will be aligned more with point nr 1. The self-destruction course.

But we are in the system and eventually, it’s all about the money and I keep missing that point as the point that will always ‘over-rule’. As my own primal stability point as well.

It’s bewildering to see what this eventually will do to people when it comes to the tough choices. Money beats quality and honesty almost every round. I have to look for alternatives at this point when it comes to making money.

I have to accept this point as a fact and start acting on it!!!

I don’t want to continue down this path and neither does my partner but we are no wizards. Thus we are facing a phase that has to be dealt with and we are both struggling in our own ways.

Long story short is that my gut told me it was time to make a move and create some movement. It was time to dare myself to amputate something I saw was not serving me (misplaced loyalty).

So I decided to stir things up via the backdoor at the same time addressing my personal problem of money. I made an appointment with one of our clients I just did a project with within the field of ‘Human Resources’. They are a bit in love with me so I wanted to check if I could play a card I saw I had.

If the collective thinks it can do without a sum of its parts than maybe its time this part is removed to a certain extent so people can face the point as a real 3D manifestation. The point I stand as without them being aware of it. So maybe a vacuum in that spot could create some movement?

My reality has to become their reality and vice versa. If not I will have to move to a different position anyway. So better take action now!

I need income and my colleagues know this. In the meantime, they show in their actions that they actually, literally don’t ‘give’ a shit. So time to make a stand for me.

This shit needs attention because the company is starting to align with the wrong processes of change as the system that is collapsing instead of aligning with the change that changes the system.

Thus we are in the process of downgrading the brand that was build up to this point. I played my own roll in this so I realized by stopping my participation for a few days no one (besides the founder of the company) was taking responsibility for any of it. All in their own little bubbles of knowledge and information, stress and energy. They simply don’t see it (yet).

It’s hard for me to keep a level head within this. And over the past year, I noticed that my physical reserves are actually depleted. Grown-ups that behave like spoiled children is what we have to deal with. I see kids in my MTB class that behave more professional than these so-called professionals. Then I realized, ‘enough’ I have to move now!

It’s a fucking dirty mess under a thin veneer of meaningless intentions. People ‘feel’ insulted, belittled and upset and they think it’s me or the boss or the client. The actual reality is that these people are confronted with dimensions of their professional lives that have not entered their reality before and the first reaction is fear and suppression. That is where the problems arise because everything starts moving backward and that they feel but cannot voice properly.

If I would play that soothing, go with the flow character everything would be fine… For colleagues, that would be a game-changer, for the company it is a death sentence!

There is a hierarchy necessary but not present. Within this people have to take leading roles they are not able to play. Things go haywire, clients loose enthusiasm and I am asked to respect people within this happening. That’s an active role I have to define, script and play with verve.

People not taking their role is seen as a separate problem but what is not realized is that in this world no problem is separated from the reality of processes one is part of. This means that the person must get to work and take responsibility eventually.

As a team, at the same time, I have to support that person in his role to become successful. It's like Joe said. You have to paint the target around yourself first and because I am doing that I see where this rift is coming from.

The company is realigning itself with the old program/system and if this continues and there will be a restart, this company will end up like all the other organizations that are not able to move in the right direction. This situation will repeat itself every time the course is altered away from the right alignment. The company as a brand personality walks the same points I do!

Should I support weakness and stupidity? NO! People can struggle enormously but that can never be an excuse for dropping your responsibility on another person plate. What people ask for is totally clear to me. They want the least resistance always and within that people fall back on 'of the shelf' solutions. Not 'the solution' or a 'solution that requires building something new'.

I am not going down that path again.

I have to give this process time but I am out of time (money). So as with all relationships, it is time to take my own as the priority point here and now. The group can decide as a group based on what is going to physically happen as what they decide to do as real action. I’m going to allow this to play out.

I got an offer to work for a client for one day a week. I am going to take this offer and see how that move is going to play out within the collective.

More to come

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Day-88-2019-03-09-The art of the bomb - 70% H2O - 30% Fear

Post by mikelammers »


What is missing? What have you lost along the way that was there with you as a child? A question that was asked in an interview I can't find the title to at this moment. But!

As I woke up a few days back, this sentence popped into my awareness as I became aware of the last fragments of a dream. I saw myself when I was between 7-10 years old visiting the local pool. It was actually two completely different experiences of myself in one dream in that swimming pool. I did a quick write out of the main points I was able to identify. I had other priorities at that moment so I decided to do this today.

This plays out at an outdoor swimming pool in our village. A blast from the past, a classic 50 meter. olympic swimming pool with a high and a low jumping board and two additional little swimming pools for children that cannot swim properly.

This was the early 80’s, so you would have me and my friends riding our BMX bikes to the swimming pool with a little rucksack. I would have my apple, a banana, and some cookies and a towel in there.

The whole location was situated in super chill scenery with lawns and trees and it was the place to be in the summer when you wanted to cool down and have fun with friends. So during that time of my life, I would often be there with my buddies. The moment we would walk through the gate the smell of chlorine and the sounds of screaming children would trigger this feeling of anticipation. We would walk out unto the field to find a good spot to camp. I would hear the wind rushing through the trees and the birds singing. I always felt very lofty when I would go swimming there.

And because we were there as a bunch of boys we did boys stuff. The permanent process of challenging each other within pushing the envelopes of fear. Do you dare to do this? Someone would pull some kind of stunt and then everyone had to prove to themselves they were not scared of doing the same thing.

So one day it would be breath-holding contests. The next day we would challenge each other by trying to swim underwater from one side of the pool to the other. Whatever challenge was brought to the table, it had to be tried and tested. I really love the way young boys can challenge and push themselves like this on top of good synergy within a group of friends.

It’s a bit camp and macho but there are a lot of components in these processes that are therapeutic. Boys challenge each other comfort zones and that is like puppy play. They push themselves and others and test the limits of pain and endurance. You get to know yourself on a physical level if you are able to allow yourself to become part of such a group. And I was a part of such groups and I found it to be very confronting and scary but also extremely interesting and fun. The problems arise later when these processes are not guided by the parents, education or the right trainers and coaches.

Where I come from, swimming pool tradition dictates that within a group of boys you have to master the art of ‘the bomb’. A bomb is jumping or diving into the water in a specific way creating sort of an explosion where the water implodes into the hole you make as you displace the water on landing.

The column of water that rises from that hole has to be as symmetrical and high as possible. The person who creates the highest and most symmetrical column wins. It is like dropping a sugar cube in a cup of coffee. It’s that big “plump” you want.

It’s evident that the more energy you are able to take with you into the dive the bigger the change that you create a big bomb. So the higher you are able to jump the bigger the change of creating a big bomb (splash). To do this you have to time everything perfectly and be in alignment in relation to the water surface and control your movement precisely the moment you enter the water because the way you do that determines the way the water implodes as it collapses on top of you as you enter the water.

It’s a skill you have to hone over countless jumps. It’s a physical sensation of a few laws of nature you have to become familiar with. The side effect was that I always came home with a headache and red eyes of the chlorine that was pressure washed into my eyes after a day of doing jumps in the pool. But it was so much fun I couldn’t get enough of it.

But besides the fun, this swimming pool was also a territory. Like the ‘sixth graders’ in South Park, we also had some ‘bad boy’ posse’s roaming the fields at the swimming pool. They made it clear the swimming pool belonged to them. Now, this whole ‘bomb’ thing was serious business within those groups. For them, it was not about the play so much but purely about alpha versus beta males. And that resonated strongly within me. And this is where this dream hit home this morning.

It was here at this location and in that strange mix of sounds and smells and fun and play where I saw myself observing other kids and what they were doing. And I see myself sitting there on the edge of the swimming pool with my feet in the water looking at those big boys jumping from the high board.

What stuck was seeing how these groups treated individuals. The concept of group dynamics would not be in my awareness for at least another 20 years. But I observed something that really hit home and disturbed me big time, at the same time I realized I understood what I was seeing but I didn’t have words to explain it to myself or others. It was a deep fear manifesting and a shock I suppressed.

I saw the high board and in order to make a jump, you had to climb a steep set of stairs. So you joined and waited in line. That line extended up the stairs of the high tower and kids were standing on every step of those stairs. The stairs where full!

What I saw was that when a kid had the courage to go up there for the first time but was too afraid to jump a problem would arise. The whole system was designed for going up but not for children going down. The only way was up and down through the swimming pool. So if a child would take the courage to go up there and the kid would be too afraid to jump or dive in the water they had to go back down via the stairs. A stair that was full of children wanting to go up not down…

The poor kid who found him or herself in that situation was faced with physical and mental resistance even bullying in a way only kids can do. The kid who found himself in this situation would face the humiliation of having to decent the stairs but not before all other children had to somehow figure out how to create space for this kid to come down. This created a lot of friction because the system was disturbed. A kid that did this was automatically removed to the lowest position in the herd and was expelled from entering the high board. The pecking order is what I saw but couldn’t put into words.

These kids were marked. I had seen this play out in other forms around me before but somehow this image made it so painfully clear how the rules were laid out. You better make sure you are able to bomb that shit or keep your head down. This was the first scene I took from that dream.

The second one is the absolute opposite experience of myself in that pool. I found myself at a specific spot. It was between the two small swimming pools in the lower area. This was more like the little children’s area (I was a little kid too but didn’t see myself like that). There was this tunnel that connected one swimming pool with the other.

This tunnel always drew my attention coming from a question within me. Mike, do you have the guts to swim from one swimming pool to the other through that tunnel? And then there would always be those mixed feelings of fear, challenge, excitement. As young as I was, I knew how this worked because I was confronted with the same construct every time I had to train for BMX.

But this was a different element. This was water and that tunnel was so small you could not move your arms or legs as one would normally do when swimming. The water level in that tunnel left about 5 cm of space between the top of the tunnel and the water surface. Panic was defenitively not an option!

So as my friends are of to the big swimming pool I see myself eyeballing that tunnel. I walk around it and I notice myself starting to visualize how long it will take me to cross that tunnel and how I should move without hitting the walls or the bottom of the swimming pool. I realized that it’s not hard at all. That if I dive before the tunnel and create some underwater speed I will be through that thing in less than 5 seconds. And then it hit me that this was just another fear thing. A new moment and a new challenge but with the same old reactions within me. And the cool thing was that I knew these reactions intimately on a physical level. I had to deal with them every time I was on my bike.

And that was the insight I used to make a decision there and then. I took a deep breath and on the out breath, I dived into the water. As I was breathing out under water and felt the water brushing along my skin I knew my speed was good. I had my eyes open so I could see I was in the center of the tunnel. It felt so smooth and calm. All my fears dissipated into the water as the bubbles leaving my nose as that out-breath and a few seconds later I surfaced on the other side of the tunnel in a state of total relaxation. I couldn’t voice it as such but it was a total merging with a moment and it happened to be in the water as well.

These moments would have a profound impact on me as I revisited the same points about 9 years later in the south of France where there was this beautiful old bridge built by the Romans. It was part of on an old donkey trail the Romans used. It was one of my favorite destinations in the middle of nowhere. A river ran under the bridge that sprung from a cave a few kilometers upstream and the water was cold. Like around 14 degrees Celsius.

I would be in that spot camping under a tarp with a good friend and just be there. Eat, swim, sleep, breath. And just like with that tunnel in the swimming pool there is this moment where I am laying on a warm rock by the river looking up at that bridge. And that’s where I see myself almost automatically sizing up this dive. I try to estimate the distance from the bridge to the water. I see myself diving and trying to visualize my curve in the air. The amount of time in the air. Where to look for reference to my position in the air in relation to where I have to land and under what angle. I’m checking out the river and how deep the landing area is. I try to size up how hard I will have to push with my feed in order to overcome the distance. Etc.

And then I feel my whole body shift as I make the decision. I am going to jump that bridge. Seeing myself analyzing the whole thing, sizing it up and visualizing what to do to make it work. And I saw it. I can do this if I am perfect. I also knew that we were far from a hospital so I couldn’t risk too much. So I decided to dial in the dive first with a few jumps to get familiar with the timing and dynamics of what I wanted to do.

So I climb up the rocks and unto the bridge. I step unto the stone girder and take position over the jump line I had scouted. There I stood with my commitment to jump and the physical reality of that amazing place surrounding me. I started pumping so much adrenaline at that moment that I had to laugh out loud because my legs got weak. This was also the moment my buddy asked what I was planning to do? I told him what you think this looks like?

So I stood there confronting myself by not moving away. Waiting for my mind to surrender to my body and the commitment I had made. I knew how that worked. I had to give my body some time to find that delicate balance between adrenaline supporting my reflexes or destroying them.

So I killed that time by visualizing that jump and counting it. I tested the fall time with a rock and that was about 2.5 seconds. So I knew that my sequence and choreography had to play out in that 2.5 seconds. So I see myself standing there making that movement with my right arm and counting it like twenty-one-twenty-two-hit.

And then my head became quiet. The moment I know I am ready and it’s up to me. That same moment in the swimming pool but this time it was not the pressure of having a line of children behind me. This was me and my fears versus willpower and focus. This is me at my best as my best friend.

That expression you lost as a child? There it was. Pure self-movement with one sole reason. Fucking with my own fears because that was the only way I could fuck with my own mind. I had no clue at that point in time but in those moments and those short seconds, I fucked my own mind for a moment because I was 100% here as a physical movement. Where I brought all of my physicality together (like in that tunnel as a kid).

This is not about being a daredevil or doing stupid shit. This is about discovering fear and what it is and does on different levels. It took me a long time to see how I can implement these experiences into my own training and the physical training I give kids. I am grateful towards myself for being that boy that dared to jump and dive.

And remember. The moment you decide to walk up the stairs. Make sure you jump as well!


In the process of coming into being or becoming prominent.

• Philosophy (of a property) arising as an effect of complex causes and not analysable simply as the sum of their effects.

Ecology of or denoting a plant which is taller than the surrounding vegetation, especially a tall tree in a forest.

• of or denoting a water plant with leaves and flowers that appear above the water surface.

Philosophy an emergent property.
- knowledge is an emergent of this interactive process.

Ecology an emergent tree or other plant
- emergents tower above the top canopy.

late Middle English (in the sense ‘occurring unexpectedly’).
- from Latin emergent- ‘arising from’, from the verb emergere (see emerge) .


Move out of or away from something and become visible

• (of an insect or other invertebrate) break out from an egg, cocoon, or pupal case.
- the larvae pupate among the roots of trees to emerge as the adults.

Become apparent or prominent

- Established and emerging artists.

• (of facts) become known

- The economy has started to emerge from recession.

late 16th century (in the sense ‘become known, come to light’).
- from Latin emergere, from e- (variant of ex-)‘out, forth’ + mergere ‘to dip’.

- DIP -

(dips, dipping, dipped)

Dip something in/into. Put or let something down quickly or briefly in or into (liquid).
- he dipped a brush in the paint.

• immerse (sheep) in a chemical solution that kills parasites.
• make (a candle) by immersing a wick repeatedly in hot wax.
• informal, dated baptize (someone) by immersion in water.

Dip into. Put a hand or implement into (a bag or container) in order to take something out.
- Ian dipped into his briefcase and pulled out a photograph.

• spend from or make use of (one's financial resources).
- you won't have to dip into your savings.

• read only parts of (a publication or document).
- a reference work to dip into time and time again.

Sink, drop, or slope downwards: the sun had dipped below the horizon.
- the road dipped down to the bridge.
- (of a level or amount) become lower or smaller

• lower or move (something) downwards.
- the plane dipped its wings.
- lower the beam of (a vehicle's headlights).
- (dip out) miss an opportunity, fail.

• a brief swim
- they cooled off by taking a dip in the pool.

• a brief immersion in liquid.
• short for sheep dip.
• an act of sinking or dropping briefly before rising again

• (also magnetic dip) the angle made with the horizontal at any point by the earth's magnetic field, or by a magnetic needle in response to this.

Archaic a candle made by immersing a wick repeatedly in hot wax.

- dip one's toe into (or in)
- put one's toe briefly in (water), typically to check the temperature.

• begin to do or test (something) cautiously
- the company has already dipped its toe into the market.

Old English dyppan, of Germanic origin; related to deep.


Computing document image processing, a system for the digital storage and retrieval of documents as scanned images.

Electronics dual in-line package, a package for an integrated circuit consisting of a rectangular sealed unit with two parallel rows of downward-pointing pins (sealed circuit, mechanism, construct*).


Extending far down from the top or surfacE.
- A deep gorge.
- The lake was deep and cold.

• extending or situated far in from the outer edge or surface.
- a deep alcove.
- deep in the woods.

• (after a measurement and in questions) extending a specified distance from the top, surface, or outer edge.
- the well was 200 feet deep.

• as far up or down as a specified point.
- they stood waist-deep in the water.

• in a specified number of ranks one behind another.
- they were standing three-deep at the bar.

• taking in or giving out a lot of air.
- she took a deep breath.

• Cricket (of a fielding position) relatively distant from the batsman; near the boundary.
- deep midwicket.

• (in ball games) to or from a position far down or across the field.
- a deep cross from Neill.

Very intense or extreme.
- she was in deep trouble.
- a deep sleep.

• (of an emotion or feeling) intensely felt.
- deep disappointment.

• profound or penetrating in awareness or understanding.
- a deep analysis.

• difficult to understand.
- this is all getting too deep for me.

• (deep in) fully absorbed or involved in (a state or activity).
- they were deep in their own thoughts.

• (of a person) unpredictable and secretive.
- That Thomas is a deep one.

Of sound. Low in pitch and full in tone.
- not shrill.
- a deep, resonant voice.

Of colour. Dark and intense.
- a deep pink.

1 (the deep) literary the sea.
- denizens of the deep.
- a deep part of the sea.
- the dark and menacing deeps.
- the deeps of her imagination.

Far down or in.
- deeply: he travelled deep into the forest.

- In the process of coming into being or becoming prominent (points-emerging, con-front-at-ions)

- Philosophy (of a property) arising as an effect of complex causes and not analysable simply as the sum of their effects (the effects of process as the physical as support*)

- Denoting a plant which is taller than the surrounding vegetation, especially a tall tree in a forest. (emerging-awareness*)

- Of or denoting a water plant with leaves and flowers that appear above the water surface.
(the journey up from the mud, reaching the waters surface, emerging, becoming visible thus vulnerable*)

- Knowledge is an emergent of this interactive process. (knowledge as physical experience*)

- Emergents tower above the top canopy. (sticking my neck out, pushing myself*)

- Break out from an egg, cocoon, or pupal case.
- the larvae pupate among the roots of trees to emerge as the adults (dare to be in the cocoon and aware of what it’s there for*).

- To become apparent or prominent. Established and emerging artist (hone skills, refine, recycle, experience, slill-set, apply, applicable, practical skills*).

- Of facts, become known (my facts, know myself, the facts that define me, the truth of me*).

- The economy has started to emerge from recession (the principle of the ‘e-con-no-me’, revolutions, recessions, repeat, rehearse, recycle, bounce backs - instead of real change!*).

Become known, come to light.
- from Latin emergere, from e- (variant of ex-)‘out, forth’ + mergere ‘to dip’. (getting to know myself*)

- DIP -

- Put or let something down quickly or briefly in or into (liquid).
• immerse (sheep) in a chemical solution that kills parasites.
• make (a candle) by immersing a wick repeatedly in hot wax.
• informal, dated baptize (someone) by immersion in water.
(the process before and taking a calculated leap of faith=selftrust*)

- An act of sinking or dropping briefly before rising again (in/out of comfort zones to gather experience in a more or less controlled way*).

- Put one's toe briefly in (water), typically to check the temperature (testing the waters/environment*). *Ah! begin to do or test ‘something’ cautiously (deep concentration as physical action, focus, one-point-ness*).

- Computing document image processing, a system for the digital storage and retrieval of documents as scanned images (the sum of my parts as the code that makes me up*).

- Extending far down from the top or surface. Extending or situated far in from the outer edge or surface (the deep within me, my beingness, my source, but not as a specified point yet*).

- Distant from the batsman or forward line of one's team (my place in the system, at the surface, work, people, relationships*).

- Very intense or extreme (the deep experience of action and reaction, myself as the relationship with myself).

- Intensely felt. Deep disappointment (deep experience, digging deep, deep trouble, shitting myself, my own shit, not owning my shit*).

- Profound or penetrating in awareness or understanding (deep awareness, seeing).

- A deep sleep (layers of my mind*)

- Difficult to understand (hard to find*).

- This is all getting too deep for me (fear of self*).

- Fully absorbed or involved in a state or activity (focus on the practical physicality, self here as breath*).

- Deep in their own thoughts (deep thinking with and as my mind as a tool*).

- Of a person, unpredictable and secretive (my deep seated patterns/persona/personality, the secret mind as my deep secrets*)

- Of sound. Low in pitch and full in tone; not shrill. A deep, resonant voice (me here!*)

- Of colour. Dark and intense. A deep pink (rawness, darkness, nothingness, potential*).

- Denizens of the deep. The dark and menacing deeps. (the deeps of my secret mind, imagination, refractions, crystals, systems, that which lay deep inside me, the not visible, the unexpected*).

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Day-89-2020-11-05-KINGDOM / KINGSHIP

Post by mikelammers »


1 a country, state, or territory ruled by a king or queen: the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

• a realm associated with or regarded as being under the control of a particular person or thing: the kingdom of dreams.

2 the spiritual reign or authority of God.

• the rule of God or Christ in a future age.
• heaven as the abode of God and of the faithful after death.

3 each of the three traditional divisions (animal, vegetable, and mineral) in which natural objects have conventionally been classified.

• Biology the highest category in taxonomic classification.

- come into (or to) one's kingdom
- achieve recognition or supremacy.

- till (or until) kingdom come
- informal forever.

- to kingdom come
- informal into the next world: the truck was blown to kingdom come.

Old English cyningdōm ‘kingship’.

• Kingdom
• Koningrijk
• Kuningadōmaz

- West Germanic: *kuningadōm
- Old English: cyningdōm
- Middle English: kyngdom, kingdom
- Scots: kingdom
- English: kingdom

- Old Frisian: *keningdōm, *kiningdōm
- West Frisian: keuningdom
- Old Saxon: kuningdōm
- Old Dutch: *kuningduom
- Middle Dutch: koninghdom
- Dutch: koningdom

- Old High German: kuningtuom
- Middle High German: künictuom
- German: Königtum

- Old Norse: konungdómr
- Icelandic: konungdómur
- Norwegian: kongedømme, kongedøme
- Swedish: kungadöme, konungadöme
- Danish: kongedømme
- Faroese: kongadømi, kongsdømi
- Norn: konungdum

Before the idea of the Divine Right of Kings became all but universal, there was a very different understanding of the Monarch’s responsibilities. They were a bulwark against the power of the wealthy. In history these were the Barons. The King or Queen was an inherited position, you were usually raised for ruling!

While raised among the nobility, the position both safeguarded the nobles and the peasants, soon joined by a middle class termed the bourgeoisie. In other words, representing the state, they were meant in their leadership role to safeguard the rights of all.

With the advent of the new philosophy of the Divine Right of Kings, their office became one of immense power over all. Regarded as chosen by God, they could do no wrong, This is a very different attitude. The earlier European monarchs regarded themselves as servants of their people, while later monarchs, influenced by the doctrine of Divine Right, became absolute rulers.

History has seen many kings. Many of them were selfish, some were entirely evil and brutal, fewer were selfless and possessed many qualities:

1- Integrity:
They have integrity. All the ‘good’ kings never compromised on their honour and their country's honour.

2- Openhearted:
The best kings were openhearted. They never kept the wealth to themselves or their ministers. They always let the money be given to nation and country.

3- Trustworthy:
Kings never lie. They can be trusted with the secrets of the state. Puppet kings lacked this quality.

4- Proud of their country:
Great kings are extremely proud of their country. Especially, when they meet other kings of other states, they show them to which country they rule. They meet other kings with pride.

5- Brave:
All of the great kings were extremely brave. They never feared large armies. However, they fought with complete morale.

6- Forgiving:
Great kings had big hearts and forgave people for their bad deeds. They had a mindset of forgiveness and believed in letting a person have a second chance. They were not naive and punished those who deserved punishment.

7- Leadership:
They had leadership skills and knew how to lead others. All of the communication skills were learned by them.

A man becomes king by the decision of God. Any other is a usurper. Thus, the title and responsibility and power is received by divine right. This king which has been given the scepter may come from the common people to reign not just in the physical court, but also in the heart of the people who trust him to provide justice and truth to his people.

All action and thought in the perfect kingdom is in the acknowledgment of the presence of the king who stands in the presence of God or falls. This King is sovereign - above the law and even above reproach by any but God.

This King listens to the people and gives them protection and punishment before the law and in doing this with the wisdom provided, keeps his people in peace. All of the wealth of the kingdom is at his disposal, not to fund his pleasure, but for the good of the subjects - in this, the king is subject to his love of the people.

When the king leaves to trade or war etc. He may leave some locally chosen men in charge of judgement of cases. They are to pass judgment following the spirit of the kings judgments. When he returns, the king will review the cases and re-judge each - and in this, the judges that were left behind are now judged.

If the entrusted men who were elected by the people forget the spirit of the king, they may try to hold onto their power and take control of the people with bribes etc. but when the true King returns, their elected parliament will stand before the King and answer first to the King (and maybe very soon, the kings benefactor.)

Democracy is this - having denounced the rightness of the King and his appointment by God, the elected begin to debate and decide among themselves about what is just and true - and use necessary force to make the people obey. Gone is the part about self-government in the heart by a people who love and trust their King without fear. Now the people begin to fear the government and may rue the day that they thought to discard God and His Appointed.

This time from Peace under a Good King through the process of forgetting the Benefits and finally to chaos and weeping for the return of the hand of God to anoint a new Just King over them may take many hundreds of years, but…. The Promise still stands.

Every form of government will be tried - until hope flickers like the last petal on a rose - and the Promised King will come - not because we are worthy, but because we need. We need Truth. We need Justice. We need mercy and many other good things - not just in our courts, but in the court of our mind - that we each may use them in our daily life. The old-but-now-new King will reign from the throne of the heart from the principle of oneness and equality!

Rule your Kingdom so you may be able to serve.
Last edited by mikelammers on 05 Nov 2020, 09:41, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by mikelammers »

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.”

“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.

“Not merely the validity of experience, but the very existence of external reality was tacitly denied by their philosophy. The heresy of heresies was common sense.”

“What can you do, thought Winston, against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself; who gives your arguments a fair hearing and simply persists in his lunacy?”

“Always eyes watching you and the voice enveloping you. Asleep or awake, indoors or out of doors, in the bath or bed—no escape. Nothing was your own except the few cubic centimeters in your skull.”

“There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad.”

“You had to live—did live, from habit that became instinct—in the assumption that every sound you made was overheard, and, except in darkness, every moment scrutinized.”

“Your worst enemy, he reflected, was your nervous system. At any moment the tension inside you was liable to translate itself into some visible symptom.”

“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”

“We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it.”

“The ideal set up by the Party was something huge, terrible, and glittering—a world of steel and concrete, of monstrous machines and terrifying weapons—a nation of warriors and fanatics, marching forward in perfect unity, all thinking the same thoughts and shouting the same slogans, perpetually working, fighting, triumphing, persecuting—three hundred million people all with the same face.”

“Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing.”

“Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it.”

“Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows.”

“How could you make appeal to the future when not a trace of you, not even an anonymous word scribbled on a piece of paper, could physically survive?”

“Every record has been destroyed or falsified, every book rewritten, every picture has been repainted, every statue and street building has been renamed, every date has been altered. And the process is continuing day by day and minute by minute. History has stopped. Nothing exists except an endless present in which the Party is always right.”

“And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed—if all records told the same tale—then the lie passed into history and became truth. ‘Who controls the past’ ran the Party slogan, ‘controls the future: who controls the present controls the past.'”

“Tragedy, he perceived, belonged to the ancient time, to a time when there were still privacy, love, and friendship, and when the members of a family stood by one another without needing to know the reason.”

“Never again will you be capable of ordinary human feeling. Everything will be dead inside you. Never again will you be capable of love, or friendship, or joy of living, or laughter, or curiosity, or courage, or integrity. You will be hollow. We shall squeeze you empty, and then we shall fill you with ourselves.”

“There will be no curiosity, no enjoyment of the process of life. All competing pleasures will be destroyed. But always—do not forget this, Winston—always there will be the intoxication of power, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—forever. War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking into the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent.”

“To the future or to the past, to a time when thought is free, when men are different from one another and do not live alone—to a time when truth exists and what is done cannot be undone: From the age of uniformity, from the age of solitude, from the age of Big Brother, from the age of doublethink—greetings!”

“For the first time he perceived that if you want to keep a secret you must also hide it from yourself.” 

“…the object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war.”

“We are the dead. Our only true life is in the future. We shall take part in it as handfuls of dust and splinters of bone. But how far away that future may be, there is no knowing. It might be a thousand years. At present nothing is possible except to extend the area of sanity little by little. We cannot act collectively. We can only spread our knowledge outwards from individual to individual, generation after generation. In the face of the Thought Police there is no other way.”

“But it was alright, everything was alright, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.”

- 1984 George Orwell

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Post by mikelammers »

Next time will be my last time!

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Post by mikelammers »


September 2009 is when I made a fundamental decision and took a stance. Soon the consequences of that choice/stance manifested and became clear within and as reality. During the course of march 2020 it became clear to me what I had initiated and how that began playing out in space and time and more importantly WHY!? My role in this however, was not totally clear to me. Unrest and uncertainty followed and extremely intensified as within so without as my physical reality started imploding. I gave myself the freedom to investigate, experiment and provoke myself to find out what had and was happening in relation to the timelines and what I was supposed to see as my practical role within this.

Also If what was happening was something I could stand by and within as the totality of myself in that moment. More importantly, was I prepared and able to take full responsibility for what was manifesting and playing out? In order to find THAT/IT out, I had to do some physical cross referencing to make sure I was in the right time and place to take further action and what direction I was supposed to go?

My walk with Desteni. What I walked before, what happend before and what was playing out started as a pure intuitive walk. Where I took action and was faced with reaction. Input is output! Impulse versus ripples. My reality became so compressed in time and space that I was forced to go with the flow of the moment and stay with it! Meaning: I took action without hesitation based on intuition. One could say I was making decisions naively. I could not take action from the mind knowing those actions would have been tainted and certainly not innocent. So I sort of entered a process/timeline that lasted about 3 days with no hesitation, sleep and permanent action under extreme mental and physical stress. Indescribable cool but also hefty shit started hitting the fan! I saw psychosis staring me in the face as my inner vulcano was activated and started spewing lava.

Eventually on the 7th of april 2020 in the late evening I was forced to flee my house and spend a night in the outdoors elsewhere. It so happend to be the night of the second and biggest pink moon of the year and a night that would change my life forever. I will not share more details over the internet as that has proven to be problematic for my mental and physical health and wellbeing. All I can say is that it is all related to timelines. All my keystrokes are logged so writing and using my equipment was compromised in relation to how used to go about my routines. 25 years of digital work on my server was destroyed also!

My ‘privacy’ was completely compromised and I have walked an analog proces from that point in time onwards. What played out in reality was part of the ‘influenza’ idea/strategy I had suggested to myself 10 years ago. And now that that strategy/influence was manifesting clearly it became obvious that this proces had literally become a do or die moment for me here. During that night in April I walked and I took full responsibility for my actions and what was playing out. I had no assistance, support or a safety net whatsoever and I knew that what I had created would have severe consequences for my place in the system and general health.

But I had no confirmation If what I had done was ‘good’ or ‘enough’? My luck was that after the days that followed I got confirmation that a shift had taken place and the timelines had changed their course and old ones where now closed. I bit of relief seeing that mission completed! But like I realised ten years ago. If I was really going to do this I would crucify myself. There is no other way (yet). I have seen this point when I started this process and it wasn’t until recently that I found that passage in my writings. I knew it would end like it had begun. To face my future as my past.

Workers or warriors? A choice we where all asked to make once! I remember that question and I questioned myself into the depth of myself to what this practically implied for myself at that moment in time. Workers to make money, warriors to fight the battles. I know what my answer was! I know what I did and planned to do a loooong time ago and that there would be consequences. A real war is not comparable with any other process on this planet. And thus I became a warrior and I did what warriors do. I fought battles and am still in the midst of it.

When reality beats science fiction
We live in extremely interesting and freaky times. The past 3 years have been the most difficult and shocking in my life so far. This coming from a being that would call himself not easily shocked or impressed by the freaky nature of existence and the lunacy I’m being expected to take part in and took part of the past 35 years.

What happend was that I had found ‘my word’. The sentence that convicted me, that contained the word to why and how this had to play out as me. The word was 'innocence'. I got to that word when I realised that everything I had done up to that point in my life was always under the influence of my mind. So everything I did and what played out because of that always had these dimensions of ego and entitlement in it. When there is no innocence there is quilt on whatever conscious or unconscious level that manifests. SO although I was able to distill a lot of points to walk. There was also this underlying notion that I was missing and loosing more than discovering of myself.

This played out between September 2019 to April 2020. A new process started that is ongoing as we speak.


- belonging to a foreign country: an alien culture.

Middle English: via Old French from Latin alienus ‘belonging to another’, from alius ‘other’.

race | reɪs |

Each of the major divisions of humankind, having distinct physical characteristics: people of all races, colours, and creeds.

The fact or condition of belonging to a racial division or group; the qualities or characteristics associated with this.

• a group of people sharing the same culture, history, language (dialect*ed.)
• a group or set of people or things with a common feature or features
• Biology a population within a species that is distinct in some way
• (in non-technical use) each of the major divisions of living creatures
• literary a group of people descended from a common ancestor
• archaic ancestry: two coursers of ethereal race.

Although ideas of race are centuries old, it was not until the 19th century that attempts to systematise racial divisions were made. Ideas of supposed racial superiority and social Darwinism reached their culmination in Nazi ideology of the 1930s and gave pseudoscientific justification to policies and attitudes of discrimination, exploitation, slavery, and extermination.

Theories of race asserting a link between racial type and intelligence are now discredited. Scientifically it is accepted as obvious that there are subdivisions of the human species, but it is also clear that genetic variation between individuals of the same race can be as great as that between members of different races.

*Not to mention genetic altercations coming from this process resulting in what we now have as (per example) gender discussion. (Hi) Genes


late Middle English: from Old French rais, from Latin radix, radic- ‘root’.

My roots that connect me to something or someone that shares parts or identical roots connected through and as my physical being(ness) within spacetime recorded and stored as bits of me as my physical DNA (Genes[is]OfMe) that determined the basic operating system that was used to alienate my being from being aware of itself.

Self as expressed potential as my words and deeds lived in self honesty and acted out from a starting point of innocence and curiosity. This within the point of seeing myself being part of a system programmed to self destruct thus seeng realising I have to detach myself from it if I want to be part of an opposite movement.

Opposite movements as counter culture, resistance or disruptive processes in order to change the status quo because it’s a moral obligation and responsibility every human being has because seeing things but not acting on it is a cardinal sin towards self.

Our reality and questioning myself in relation to that reality.
Me, a-part of this Self-Destructing physical reality one and equal as my actions and thus the reactions as consequence manifested as the facts of ‘my physical life/living’.

This includes the polarities I saw/see myself walk into knowing there is no good or bad way to approach myself within a proces since it’s a first.

A process that has to thus be walked first before something can be concluded or manifested as real.

Also every-thing I manifested as the sum of my parts as my upmost potential as my expanded awareness that automatically alienates me from previous states/versions of myself and others that do not longer serve that proces of expanding awareness thus loose their substance and will fall away or have to go/ be eliminated like leaves falling from a tree when their time has come to do so.

Within this reality I realise that becoming part of this equation means that within the powers at play that move either towards or from one another I wil experience increasing friction with systems I’m releasing myself from. Ripping myself apart in the process.

The constructs/systems that have to go but are still part of my reality and also ‘dysfunctional’ systems that are operational as parts of the system that cannot be altered or replaced at this point in time because of the overwhelming and (at this point) unmanageable amount of practical problems/friction that would need to be addressed/controlled/guided/transformed.

Within that all but the human being walks and supports from the starting point of oneness and equality. This implies that every particle is aware of what it is, why and what that entails within being part of and thus co responsible for the whole.

This includes the parts that make up our physical bodies down to the atoms it consists of. All (over)ruled by the mind as our inner dictator. The top of the pyramid not realising that ones we elevate ourselves higher than that pyramid/triade as our mind, body and being our complete perspective of what and who we are needs a redefinition that not yet exists thus will have to be created and within doing so will change the reality we face as that defined as our-self.

When we allow ourselves to see that chaos exists we have to accept order as well. How would we be able to explain the concept of chaos without that perspective?

If there is one side there has to be another side. Not missing these moments as the agent of self I committed myself to be thus becomes the challenge if I really want to change myself.


1 [mass noun] the arrangement or disposition of people or things in relation to each other according to a particular sequence, pattern, or method: I filed the cards in alphabetical order.

• a state in which everything is in its correct or appropriate place
• a state in which the laws and rules regulating public behaviour are observed and authority is obeyed
• the prescribed or established procedure followed by a meeting, legislative assembly, debate, or court of law
• a stated form of liturgical service, or of administration of a rite, prescribed by ecclesiastical authority.

2 an authoritative command or instruction
• a verbal or written request for something to be made, supplied, or served
• a thing made, supplied, or served as a result of an order
• a written direction of a court or judge
• a written direction to pay money or deliver property.

3 a particular social, political, or economic system
• (often orders) a social class: the upper social orders.
• a rank in the Christian ministry, especially that of bishop, priest, or deacon.
• (orders) the rank of a member of the clergy or an ordained minister of the Church
• Theology any of the nine grades of angelic beings in the celestial hierarchy as formulated by Pseudo-Dionysius.

4 (also Order) a society of monks, nuns, or friars living under the same religious, moral, and social regulations and discipline
• historical a society of knights bound by a common rule of life and having a combined military and monastic character
• an institution founded by a monarch along the lines of a medieval crusading monastic order for the purpose of honouring meritorious conduct.
• the insignia worn by members of an order of honour or merit.
• a Masonic or similar fraternity.

5 [in singular] the quality or nature of something
• [with adjective] the overall state or condition of something: the house had only just been vacated and was in good order.

6 Biology a principal taxonomic category that ranks below class and above family: the higher orders of insects.

7 any of the five classical styles of architecture (Doric, Ionic, Corinthian, Tuscan, and Composite) based on the proportions of columns and the style of their decoration.
• any style of architecture subject to uniform established proportions.

8 [mass noun, with modifier] Military equipment or uniform for a specified purpose or of a specified type: the platoon changed from drill order into PT kit.
• (the order) the position in which a rifle is held after ordering arms. See order arms below.

9 Mathematics the degree of complexity of an equation, expression, etc., as denoted by an ordinal number.
• the number of differentiations required to reach the highest derivative in a differential equation.
• the number of elements in a finite group.
• the number of rows or columns in a square matrix.

1 [reporting verb] give an authoritative instruction to do something: [with object and infinitive] : she ordered me to leave | [with direct speech] : ‘Stop frowning,’ he ordered | [with clause] : he ordered that the ship be abandoned | [with object] : the judge ordered a retrial.
• [with object] (order someone about/around) continually tell someone to do things in an overbearing way: she resented being ordered about.
• [with object and complement] North American command (something) to be done or (someone) to be treated in a particular way: he ordered the anchor dropped.

2 [with object] request (something) to be made, supplied, or served: my mate ordered the tickets last week | [with two objects] : I asked the security guard to order me a taxi | [no object] : are you ready to order, sir?

3 [with object] arrange (something) in a methodical way: all entries are ordered by date | (as adjective, in combination -ordered) : her normally well-ordered life.


by order
according to directions given by the proper authority: he was released from prison by order of the court.
in order

1 according to a particular sequence: list the points you intend to cover and put them in order.

2 in the correct condition for operation or use: it is the liquidator's task to put the affairs of the company in order.

3 in accordance with the rules of procedure at a meeting, legislative assembly, etc.: surely it is in order for Conservative Members to put various policy options to the Prime Minister?
• appropriate in the circumstances: a little bit of flattery was now in order.
• In order for (or that) so that: staff must be committed to the change in order for it to succeed.
• In order to do something with the purpose of doing something: he slouched into his seat in order to avoid drawing attention to himself.

• Of the order of chiefly British

1 approximately: sales increases are of the order of 20 per cent.

2 Mathematics having the order of magnitude specified by.
on order
(of goods) requested but not yet received from the supplier or manufacturer

1 the initiation of a programme to privatize state monopolies: beginning, starting, commencement; institution, inauguration, launch, opening, instigation, actuation, origination, devising, inception; establishment, setting up; informal kick-off. ANTONYMS completion, finish.

2 a rite of initiation into the tribe: induction, introduction, admission, admittance, installation, incorporation, ordination, investiture, investment, enlistment, enrolment, recruitment; baptism. ANTONYMS expulsion.

1 the baptism ceremony: christening, naming, immersion, sprinkling; rare lustration.

2 this event constituted his baptism as a politician: initiation, debut, introduction, inauguration, launch, beginning, rite of passage; French rite de passage; formal commencement.

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