-Telling my truth
I came here to tell my truth for once and for all, and stopping the abuse I've allowed throughout my whole life. I came here because I want to end with my self-dishonesty and finally stand up within my shame and fear. Now, in self-honesty, in every breath I will start from today exposing myself. So, in that way I can't manipulate myself through and as the mind to fear my process and fear writing. As I know that, in any given moment, I can fall hard and screw this life, this opportunity I have. If I have nothing to hide, I have no reason to not start writing. But If I start writing I need to do it this way. My whole life is here in every breath. I have to confess the abuse I've allowed throughout my life since the beggining through today.
Because I couldn't just allow myself to come here knowing that you didn't know what kind of an abusive creature i've been. I've allowed myself to be so possessed by the mind, feelings, emotions, beliefs, that I couldn't see myself in the mirror, I can't bear people to see me. People would say I'm shy, but I am actually hiding myself everyday. Because the experiences I've had, experiences I've created were atrocious and I knew and I didn't do anything to stop this. I will beg you to help me as I am willing to help myself, forgive myself unconditionally. So, please, bear with me. I will try to be as specific as I can get. It is disgusting, it is repulsive, ugly, and abnormal. Not because I'm judging myself, but because I have been that exactly. I had my fear of being judged because I judged myself. I will not continue. My ego has taken me to the brink of isolation, at the brink of fucking everything up. I have to get myself back, this is the only way. If I can do it, anyone can do it.
-The mind, mirror, photos, 'friend', god/devil, what I've become.
My mom told me once or twice: when you were little you had an imaginary friend, but I can't remeber her name. When she told me, I had an imaginary friend, but I thought to myself: i don't remeber having one before this. This because I 'knew' this imaginary friend was fictitious, that was me. I thought I created it, but it could shapeshift, it could be whatever I wanted, needed, percieved myself to be. So, how did I know with so much certainty that this one wasn't the same as before?
Who was I? Where was I? My world and I, are like a machine, a system, running completely out of control in the lower places of human abuse. I have been talking to someone throughout all the years of my life, being alone. Talking to the image of people in my head because I couldn't communicate with them in the physical. Acting out stories when alone, living stories in my head, creating characters.
--What I call sex.
Who was I pleasing in 'sex'? Not me. It was never me, but the shapeshifting desiring robot I created through allowance. I wasn't even sex. It was pure pictures, images, imagination. I was around 6 years old and hornyness was my supreme(future suppression) desire/god. I wanted to see everyone naked, just for me. I asked kids and people and they always replied yes, except for the last time. I was literally a sexual abuser in the body of a boy. I didn't saw anything like this back then. Nakedness was hidden, but I saw it as 'the true human'. With this I fucked myself continuosly throughout my life and be present in many decisions of my latter years. There was a time where I, because of what is percieved as normal, became haywire in shame and fear. Through this I even created more of what I feared the most which was becoming a sexual monster.
I was starting puberty, earlier, around 9 years old. I was frickin' horny, and frickin' ashamed. This solely because of the fear I had towards my parents. My mother that was 'caring but traditional' and my father that used to beat me and alwats be mad at everyone and himself. They knew about me and some other kid from school, she told them, and that memory was the starting point of my shame. Because I had a 'change of plans', within that the past just couldn't exist. I suppressed it, I fucked everything more. I started watching porn. Internet, 'secret within a secret', I became 'in love' with porn. I could satisfy this urge without anyone knowing, I assumed. At the age of 10 I had my first ejaculation. Forevermore out of control, new porn starting popping out. At that time even animals were starting to trigger my sex drive. One day (and this was the maximum explosion) I found something called scat porn. It was a gallery of pictures. I saw every single picture in the most powerful experience of energy i've been. A mix of hornyness, adrenaline, and extreme disgust. I couldn't sleep, I was disgusted as hell, but it made me horny. I didn't accept, but later I came to made this part of me. And I have to say even before seeing this page I had already some of this images in my fantasies. Later, converted to christianity, fucked everything up even more. I tried to stop masturbating(which I did everyday) and I 'couldn't' because I didn't wanted to let my addiction go. Utilizing christianity as a way to escape from myself and also have a 'good presentation' before people. I actually was becoming more and more isolated, my face was looking filthy and disgusting. Like someone else. I every photo, every mirror. I was crazy because of this energy, I didn't know what to do. I masturbated. Sometimes I recurred to touch people, touch pets, voyeur and flashing my parts with people around without them seeing. I did all this without realizing the consequences it had on me, and on other people. I was literally a monster. A rapist.
The consequences were also starting to get out of control. Also with the shame of defining myself as gay, presenting myself in the world as straight, presenting myself as normal. Jealousy, reading stories about other gay people around the world that seemed to accept themselves and be in control of their lives. They had boyfriends, they had better experiences. I wanted to have this experiences, but I didn't accept the consequences in my life. I started in a new school. Everyone noticed me as gay = absolute fear possession. I had people from all over the school coming to ask me if I was gay, they would sit everyday to make fun of me, to touch me, (not necessarely sexual touch). From this time I started becoming crazy. I had to sleep when I came from school to separate school time from house time and to forget the consequences of my actions. I 'asked for a friend to god', and I got it. Which fucked me up even more. In my eyes I saw her just as me, but with a twist. She could do what she wanted. I wanted to do what I wanted too! Wanted to change my reality, couldn't, she was facing some points in her life so she was depressed, because of my life I started becoming depressed too, and also because we liked some thing called 'emo' at the time. This was accentuated also because she was getting all the attention, and I wasn't. I said I deserved attention. It was like my whole being transformed into a 'depression tantrum'. I wasn't doing any actual difference in my daily application, I wanted my life to change magically. I see now that this is because I allowed my parents to do absolutely everything for me. Being only child, my parents bought me anything I wanted. I knew there was something wrong, now I am living the consequences.
Strange things starting coming into my life. I was was very isolated. I started accepting less and less, I was saying I wanted to die. I had many, many notebooks filled with 'depressive notes'. I was completely possessed. My friends were starting to 'get sick of me' one by one, not all did at the end though. I manifested a complete disaster. I investigated mind diseases so I could starting learning them so people could see in my depression, my call for attention, that I needed help. Cutting myself, creating mind divisions. Each one had and specific personality disorder, pattern. I remember schizoid, depression, avoidant, obssessive compulsive. For myself, in another hand, I had a continent in my mind. I'd go there and create places and characters for myself to be and act out in my room. Everyone was rich, no wonder. I see now -the elite. I was And like I said, this was a tantrum because I didn't want or know to take responsability of my life and my past. All this happened through the period 13-15 years old.
...I will continue in the next part.
Any comments, support, recomendations. Anything is welcome. I understand this is the only way, this is my last chance. I have to stop my abuse for once and for all.