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my great obstacle.

Posted: 08 Oct 2011, 15:03
by larrymanuela
My great obstacle.


It is is 10:40 in the morning on this side of the earth, i am in Europe, in Holland specifically and i woke up like almost 4 hours ago, and what am i doing right now...??

Most of my days goes like this, i wake up and immediately start my laptop and i go on facebook and youtube and i look at what destonians are placing in the context of what they are writing or vlogging and also some cool ''wake-up call presentation pictures'' that are being placed by them or sometimes also by other friends on facebook. The pictures and presentations i look into that are exposing our accepted and allowed nature very clearly i share them to on my profile.

Usually when i wake-up, i wake-up with a hard dick because i have to pee, and because of me when i was in my deep meditation a.k.a. ( sleep) i was far away removed form my own body, so my body after long periods of time will wake me up with a hard dick and a painful bladder, that it is time to let the shit out, because he has done the great work, and can't hold the shit anymore, so please do wake-up....!!!......lol

Now here is an interesting thing:

Just because, and remember, that what i am about to say here is about my dick being hard===== so just because my dick is hard, my mind immediately kick in and relate this with the experience of me wanting the need for some sexual pictures and thoughts, because the mind is used to: ''dick getting hard= sex must happen in whatever form, and is a great way to suck some energy.''

And when all this happens i become horny, can you imagine this shit......being horny without really in the first place having any need for sexual intercourse or whatever, it is just because my dick is hard so my mind interprets that i need sex now.

Now those of you whom are reading this, bear with me here for a moment, because i have found within me that i am a really horny fucker, and i am placing this here, because i know i am not alone in this stupid behavioral expression, but will be in the future writing more on this subject, because it is one of my most difficult barriers that i have accepted and allowed to be as the '' who i am'' in this world.
So within this, within stopping myself as this personality i have created and accepted and allowed myself to be as, and within this world i am then showing the way and that it can be stopped for those whom believe that you can't and that it is difficult. It may be, and i can tell you all about that, but it is ''going through it'', ''facing it'', that is what is important, to treat yourself as guinea pig, but of course not overriding yourself, be gentle with yourself and breathe in the moments you are starting to see yourself going into full gear and start to let yourself go into the participation of mind-fucking yourself.

So i am going to be very to the point here, and will not hide words, because it is time to face myself in placing the ''who i am as myself as of right now in the world.''

Because all those fears of embarrassments and guilt and you name it, are all points within me that i have to face, in order for me to let go of those feelings and emotions and thoughts that pin me, or better said: that i let myself be pinned down with.

So i am going to place some perspectives on all the points i can remember that made me who i am today.

As a very small kid, and as long as i can remember i was always sensing sexuality in a sense, but it was not what it is right now, it looked then as something unknown and that needed to be explored, need to be looked at and experience what it might be. So anyways, there was this event with an neighbor kid, a female, that changed in one way or another my whole programming about this sex drive of mine.

We were playing, and this girl said: ''why not let us play, father and mother.??'' In saying this she said father and mothers do certain things, and this is one of those things they do. Before i continue i must say here that this girl was older then me and the rest, she was already like 13 or 14 and i was 11 going to 12 something like that, but this girl was always into boys, and i think that she might have had sex already at that age, and maybe her curiosity was triggered to by seeing her mother and father having sex without them knowing it. But it doesn't really matter, what happened is what is the root of the story. So she laid down in a carton box that we were playing with and she open her legs and she said, you have to take your thing, and place it here and she pointed to her vagina and she said there is where you should put it in. Now understand, we were kids, and sex is not something that goes into your mind, it is not important. But yet i find myself having a hard dick and she said yes, now that is good you put inside me now, so i did.

What did i feel to tell you the truth, i felt something that one could term '' nice feeling'' on the physical level of course, but it was not like having sex right now, it was just like something i had to do, because she wanted it and my little dick was hard and i could not understand that either. I could not understand why my dick was getting harder at the view of her opening her legs and telling me to go in there....??? And it didn't last that long, because it was like we were playing this game and that is it, but yet that event changed my whole experience of what i will become as expressing myself sexually. ooh yes and i didn't cum either, for those who want to know..lol

Suddenly i started to noticed that girls were like easy when it comes to making them, or let me say it like, manipulating them into making them believe using words how easy it is to get someone horny, but just using words and making them having pictures in their minds.

Now this is something that i was very good at, and still i am very good at this stuff. But am i proud of that...?? Of course not...!! because i am manipulating the girls using words to make them have pictures in their minds in order for me to get them into bed, into having sex with me. I realized as i said at very young age, even though i could not understand it all the way, how that really works, but that i could do it, and i was fascinated by this thing, i mean.........i was reading books on woman, on all their sexual points important on their bodies and a lot of stuff, i was asking and talking to lesbians, because i found that most of the cases i can see that they are more sensual in the sexual expression, and i found that very powerful, so i had few friends who were lesbians and also i would watch movies and read books where these things are very well explained, all of this bullshit is just in order for me to be the best i could be when i am having sex. At that stage i was more focused on how the girl/woman would express herself, and i had/have this what they call: ''kick.'' To me sex is not sex if the woman i am with is not totally wet, and totally letting herself go, totally willing. So that was my soul purpose when engaging in sexual intercourse. Because if a woman reach this stage when we are together, i will also experience a more deep sexual experience. For myself i was like always already 100 % horny so it doesn't take much. And i already know as many already know nowadays, that it takes a woman much more time to reach an orgasm then man. But to me it was more then the orgasm, it was about how she becomes when she is fully free as herself in her expression of sexuality. So i take my time with each i have been with to explore her total body to see, where else is there left behind, a little spot that has to be dealt with and get that gear more moist and moving faster. And this to me was and still is the most fascinating thing ever, just a woman getting fully aroused, i see it as so powerful, the sexual expression of a woman

I mean i could talk to a woman, one that likes me of course and make her very horny by using words and manipulate her so much so, that she won't be able to resist maybe masturbating or wanting to take all on me......lol
So this is what i was doing most of my teenage years and most of my adult years to up to now. I was 100 % sure of myself that when a girl or a woman likes me and i get to talk ''dirty'' as they say with them or lead them into thoughts of sexuality, that i will succeed. That was what i was good at, can you imagine this shit, to have a talent like this...??? What is the purpose of this talent, i can't use it to bring equality into this world, because it would be to seduce others, and this is manipulative and abusive to myself and the women i will be seducing. So i have to stop myself and remove myself for accepting and allowing myself to be as this so called ''talent'' i have in relation to sex with woman.

now this is more like an introduction here, but i will go into more details on what specifically i am saying and sometimes say or write to woman so you can have an overall view on what the heck i am talking about, and that would be the only thing i can find to assist and support others that are like me, but will not dare talk about it because of fear of all kinds, so i will stand within and as my own fear so you can embrace yours, i will go through the public humiliation so to speak for to you to see, how it is to walk your talk. Because this is something people are very afraid to talk about, in the open, it is always a secret, like they have with their salaries, nobody wants to tell you how much they make, it's always a secret, so is sex, everyone is doing it, but to talk about it, i mean to really talk about what your doing when you are doing it, and why and all that stuff is being left out, because of fear, so i will take that fear here with you, as an example, and layout my progress in working on what is to me my most difficult part in this process, remember i am 38 years old right now, so it means i have build myself like this for 38 fucking years, so it will take hard work for me to put this point down as myself in my process of letting all that is not for what is best for all go, because it is not needed and what is not best for all only harms and destroy expressions of life.

So you guys will be hearing more of me on this subject that is my life, and in a way that you are not used to, because you are afraid of saying it as it is and how your doing it, but i am not, i pass that already in this process, so i am not afraid for the thoughts of others, of what they might think of my sexual delusions....lol



Thanks.




Larry Manuela