Okay so I watched two very cool and supportive videos. Or 1 video and a chat you guys did. The video is dealing with difficult people done by Garb and Michelle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d09WmXfClm8
and the chat is http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=152&t=8072
. I see how when I was in the car with M I was trying to voice myself but instead I was in defensive mode and I had to prove my point for selfish reasons so I can feel victory in the conversation. So I was trying to voice myself but I endded up standing up for myself lol. I see how it wasnt to point out to M something I think needs some awareness brought to. It wasnt to assist and support him. I see that I did it for my own reasons so I could be right and not wrong. I came from a mode of want to attack and also blame because I know if I am angry something is wrong and I am not being self honest with myself because I am trying to blame another for how I feel, which is an illusion. I liked in the chat when Sunette was saying lets test this point of voicing yourself vs standing up for yourself by flag pointing the anger/wanting to defend yourself and saying "whoa whoa I am angry, I need to take a step back and see where I am not self honest. I mean not exactly that way but taking a moment for yourself and applying the tools when your flag point goes off. Now dealing with difficult people was cool because Garb and Michelle pointed out how we ourselves can be difficult people and that was a cool thing so consider. I can say that I am that difficult person at work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to win the arguements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to speak from anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to speak from blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter a defensive mode where I have to defend my opinion because I cannot be wrong and where I force words/points onto another person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this other person is making me feel anger/blame/being in a defensive mode.
I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to take this anger/blame/defensive mode back to myself.
I commit myself to, when and as I feel like I have to say something from the starting point of blaming and being angry and having to defend myself/my point of view, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the anger/blame/defensive mode is false and that self-honesty is required. I realize it has nothing to do with this other person, so I take this anger/blame/defensive back to myself and I clear myself and my starting point.