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Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 14 Apr 2017, 00:47
Hey all, Im still pushing myself to apply the tools. Ive been having really shitty days where Ill sleep for most of the day. But I keep reminding myself that it will pass and that is the mind playing on me. Ive been having very strong reactions lately since I moved out of my place. I read the chat you guys did where you were all talking about about how when you become more aware of the mind that it may seem that your mind is going crazy or more intense. That assisted me. Ive been learning to be more gentle with myself because Ive noticed that Im very hard on myself, to the point where its limiting me. Ive been reading blogs from Kim, Tormod, and Nick and Kristina and these have helped me see how much of the same that I am dealing with, that other destonians go through much of that same. A lot with what I am going through in my life is very related to the content many of you are putting out. Its been pretty cool and helping a lot. So my main points are
1.) Not being hard on myself and being more gentle with myself
2.) Remind myself things arent as bad as I make them out to be.
3.)Reminding myself that when I fall that itll pass
4.)Participating and sharing myself more
5.)Seeing who I am in relation to events in life
This is cool. It feels real and its very hard but I feel like I am establishing a platform for myself. Ive realized that Im fucked up - lol but for a very good reason and that its nessesary for me to go through these hard times with strong reactions so that I change. So its not going away anytime soon. I feel more prepared realizing this for my 'bad' days. And back to seeing you guys going through the same shit I go through or even similar things has made me see how much I have hyped up a destonian - lol. Ive pretty much built you guys up to be like super heroes. But watching Cerise and joe's get real series and reading blogs and watching sunette's videos is all very cool. Like really finally seeing how we are all in this together and how I see others apply themselves regardless of what they go through, which is much of the same I go through. So Ive seen how I make thing much worse and harder to deal with and also all the excuses I make for myself as well as how much of a victim I make myself in my life. Now I dont know if this is helping but I remember the video of bernard called embrace yourself. He says how before he could change himself he had to accepting all his fuck ups and he would hold himself in his arms. Well Ive been doing this on the very bad days. Ive realized that SF alone is not enough, that I actually have to put the effort in. Something happens a lot when I breathe and its like Ill notice a thought and Ill start breathing then halfway through Ill lose track and I lose the point and it feels like I didnt do anything. Another thing is many times I apply breath my chest hurts and feels uncomfortable. Another thing that happens is Ill apply breath and breathe in 4 then hold 4 but I get stuck in the pause and end up gasping for air lol. Am I doing something wrong? Is this common? Or how can I get past the pain in my chest when I am apply breath.
Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 19 Apr 2017, 04:37
Hey everyone. So today. I was riding in the car with M. He was driving and I was sitting in the passenger. So before I get into what happened I want to say that anytime M drives I am nervous like really nervous and to be honest I think he sucks at driving. I tense up constantly while sitting in the car that he is driving. I always feel like I have to be aware so that nothing bad happens and I have prevented 2 car accidents by pointing out to him that maybe he shouldnt go and take the turn lol. Okay so we both get in the car, hes driving. We pull up to a stop sign and he stops and he looks both ways. I thought I seen him see the car coming, so he starts going and as soon I realized he was going to pull out in front of this other car I yell "Stop the car!" Well he stopped but right after that I was pissed. I questioned him immediately "what you didnt see that fucking guy coming?!" and "did you even fucking look?!" Then he said something about everyone makes mistakes and then he point out my car accident and that made me even more pissed and I got defensive. I said "Yeah I got in one but I wasnt being dumbass pulling out in front of a moving car!" Then we were both quiet and I felt bad because I was being an asshole. I have this reaction where I confront people with anger. I can go from 0-100 on any person depending on the day and situation. It makes me mad when I see someone do something that I do not understand or I see them not consider what they are doing fully and create problems. I judge as stupid and them being dumb. In my head Ill think "what a fucking idiot, such a stupid mother fucker rushed into it without even looking at it first and now blah blah blah" So I see something the other person doesnt see and I think I am right and therefore I can say something about this and this other person is just an idiot! lol. I never try to approach with understanding and consideration. Theres also the point of how I do feel that I tried to understand and consider but then blaming the person as being stubborn and hardheaded because of how I keep pointing out to the person the same thing over and over and I get to the point where I say fuck this. I am not going to be nice and try to consider anymore. So then I think that I have to go hard and be a dick and jump all over someones case so I can finally get through to them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when seeing someone make a mistake or an error.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I see something that they dont see, that I am right and they are wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid being fed up by trying to understand and consider by 'jumping all over someones case' or being a 'confrontational dick'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone as stupid and a dumbass out of anger,being impatient and honestly selfishness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no other course of action to handle these situations.
I commit myself to, when and as I react in anger towards another person because I see something they dont and I judge them as being stupid and I want to jump all over their case, I stop and I breathe. I step back from my reaction and I realize that me fueling anger into these situations is not helping and also that I am not perfect myself and the we all do in fact make mistakes.
I commit myself to stand as this anger that arises within me in the moment when I look as someone and see something they dont and I react in anger and then in judgement and to embrace it and not be seperate to it. To realize that this anger must be faced and transcended.
I commit myself not to judge myself as an asshole but simply to notice this part of myself and that it needs to be changed. Nothing more and nothing less.
Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 22 Apr 2017, 02:30
Okay so I watched two very cool and supportive videos. Or 1 video and a chat you guys did. The video is dealing with difficult people done by Garb and Michelle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d09WmXfClm8
and the chat is http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=152&t=8072
. I see how when I was in the car with M I was trying to voice myself but instead I was in defensive mode and I had to prove my point for selfish reasons so I can feel victory in the conversation. So I was trying to voice myself but I endded up standing up for myself lol. I see how it wasnt to point out to M something I think needs some awareness brought to. It wasnt to assist and support him. I see that I did it for my own reasons so I could be right and not wrong. I came from a mode of want to attack and also blame because I know if I am angry something is wrong and I am not being self honest with myself because I am trying to blame another for how I feel, which is an illusion. I liked in the chat when Sunette was saying lets test this point of voicing yourself vs standing up for yourself by flag pointing the anger/wanting to defend yourself and saying "whoa whoa I am angry, I need to take a step back and see where I am not self honest. I mean not exactly that way but taking a moment for yourself and applying the tools when your flag point goes off. Now dealing with difficult people was cool because Garb and Michelle pointed out how we ourselves can be difficult people and that was a cool thing so consider. I can say that I am that difficult person at work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to win the arguements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to speak from anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to speak from blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter a defensive mode where I have to defend my opinion because I cannot be wrong and where I force words/points onto another person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this other person is making me feel anger/blame/being in a defensive mode.
I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to take this anger/blame/defensive mode back to myself.
I commit myself to, when and as I feel like I have to say something from the starting point of blaming and being angry and having to defend myself/my point of view, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the anger/blame/defensive mode is false and that self-honesty is required. I realize it has nothing to do with this other person, so I take this anger/blame/defensive back to myself and I clear myself and my starting point.
Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 27 Apr 2017, 19:28
Cool for noticing that in you Joseph, I also found that hangout with Michelle and Garb quite supportive, thanks for sharing what you saw within you about it.
Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 28 Apr 2017, 01:47
Hey everyone, today I will write about my relationship with females. I recently seen this girl and I thought she was really pretty. I keep thinking about her. Thoughts like marriage, children, if we had a life together, and sex. I look for things she'd be able to give me. So I am seeing myself as without having these things. Ive placed myself in a position where I am standing seperate to Love, care, attention, consideration, fulfillment, enjoyment. Since I stand separate to these words, I seek out potential females that I think could give me these words. I automatically tag girls that I think are pretty to me having a relationship with them. I need to stop looking for love, care, attention, consideration, fulfillment, and enjoyment outside of myself and gift that to myself through Self-Forgiveness both writing and breathing with the corrective application that comes with the realizations through Self-Honesty. I would like to give myself the ability to be content with myself. thats another word "content" or better yet Self-content. I would like to approach woman that are pretty to me without so much mind bullshit going on where I have to say the right/cool thing or act to impress instead of me being me for who I am and expressing and sharing myself with another. With women I think are pretty I can get clogged up lol. I get nervous because Ive been listening to my mind and I suppress the way I actually am. I get quiet and shy because I think I can talk to girls. When really I like to have conversations and joke around or pronounce words with a certain playfulness and emphasis to express myself which I very much enjoy doing. All of that goes away when I talk to pretty girls, fascinating. Im going to take a break and post my Self-forgiveness and Commitment statements another time.
Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 01 May 2017, 00:28
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly think about that girl at subway.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge and feed on this constant thought about that girl from subway.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine scenarios about what I could do to impress her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the specific scenario where I have to act tough of responsible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the specific scenario where I have to act cool to impress her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good/happy when I know girls like me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad/unhappy when I know/feel that a girl is not interested in me or doesnt like me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in polarity of feeling good or bad when a girl like or doesnt like me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having placed value on my looks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a girl only likes me for my looks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for placing value of myself on my looks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as handsome/good looking if girls like me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ugly/bad looking if girls dont like me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous when talking to pretty girls.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make talking to girls this big, blown up thing that I then feel intimidate by.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to talk naturally to pretty girls and to carry on a conversation between two people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to influence my interactions with other people, with judgements/thoughts/reactions.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see that I am obsessing about another person. I realize that the obsession is addicting and where I want to indulge in thoughts and pictures which takes me away from myself and me being here as myself.
I commit myself to write down and explore this point when I can so I can help myself sort out the constant thoughts of obsessing about another.
When I get nervous and I think I cant talk to girls and I start to fear outcomes of me being awkward or I tense up and get stuck in my head because of the overwhelming feelings/emotions, I stop and I breathe and I realize that that is the mind and that I can infact move my mouth to make sounds to communicate with pretty girls.
I commit myself to strike up a conversation with pretty girls from the starting point of simply me being here and sharing myself with another.
Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 01 May 2017, 22:58
Ive been applying myself pretty good lately. I got comfortable again forgetting that this is a process. Im so quick to think my whole life is going to be better now and Im a new me and the old me is gone!! Nope lol. Thats my mind rushing ahead. So then when I take a fall its really strong emotion. Everything and anything starts pouring in my mind and I bring up all my flaws and the main reaction is that everything is to much to handle. Ive given into this sooooo many times. Today was cool though because I know I still have myself and I was able to show myself that this fall will only be temporary and also that these emotions and thoughts are of the mind and not me as who I am as life. I breathed to the best of my ability and I did calm down. This shit is fucking hard lol but worth it. Thanks for reading.
Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 07 May 2017, 18:14
Hey everyone, today I am starting the 21 day challenge to quit smoking weed(again). So for 21 days I will be writing my experiences and thoughts that have to do with this point. I will walk the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements.
Today the urge to smoke isnt that strong. I slept most of the day. I had a urge to smoke when I came back and I started thinking "theres nothing to do" and "Im going to be bored". I usually smoke when I am bored or I like to because its something to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for turning to weed when I am bored.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use weed as an escape from reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself viewing smoking weed as something that is fun and makes me feel happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this Self-Forgiveness is useless and that I am going to end up smoking anyways.
I commit myself to breathe when and as I feel the urge to smoke. I realize my relationship to weed is being used as an escape from myself and my reality.
Update on baby
She doing pretty good. shes actually been roaming about the house for a couple weeks now. I realized that the more stable I was when dealing with her the better I was able to handle her. It took alot of me standing still and letting her be so that she can see that I wouldnt make any sudden movements without letting her know first. I also told this to members of my family so that they can begin a relationship of trust with her. When she was acting feisty I wouldnt touch her with my hands and only let her rub against my legs. I would try not to look at her in the eyes but I would call her name. Once I knew she was over being feisty I would then grab her with my hands and pet her but if she went back into that mode I would simply stop and wait till she is comfortable again and I would resume. I think the main key is I let her take her own time that she needed and I had to be very patient to show her that this new environment isnt so bad or dangerous. Now shes sleeping and purring with me again! Thanks for reading.
Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 09 May 2017, 03:40
Day 1 Yup I am back at day 1....
Hey everyone, so I gave in last night. I was good until M came home. As soon as he got here I thought its smoke time. Reactions about how its going to be harder to not smoke because he has weed and he still smokes and it is available for me to do now since hes home. I would notice the reactions in real time but I didnt apply myself. I brushed it off as something not important. I kept thinking about how I quit last time. I weened myself off slowly and it worked. I remember the most effective thing I did last time and that was to write anytime a reaction came up. I would literally stop what I was doing if I could and I would write about my thoughts/emotions till they were gone. The writing consisted of taking points back to self, self inspection of my mind and Self-Forgiveness. So this part right here " I weened myself off slowly and it worked" that was causing me to think that I cant quit cold turkey. To quit cold turkey means to just stop and to not ween oneself off. I really wasnt thinking about the betterment of myself. I was only looking for a justification as to why I should smoke. So then I kept thinking about how I need to stay clean so I can get a decent job. That made me react and think "this is going to suck, this is going to be really hard, theres nothing to do, life is boring without being high." I was looking at the task ahead as a whole and I gave in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel that its smoke time when M comes home.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get excited and happy when M gets home.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/feel that now that M is home its going to be harder to stop myself from reacting and ultimately give into the urge to smoke.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to brush off my awareness of my thoughts/reactions as not important.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take up opportunities of change when and as I see the thought s and reactions about smoking weed come up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the last time I quit smoking weed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in the past and not here with myself taking in thoughts/reactions as they come up in real time and forgiving them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this time I quit weed is going to be the same as last time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for justifications as to why I should smoke weed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to tell myself constantly that I cant smoke because I need to stay clean for a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at the task of quitting weed in its entirety.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be more gentle with myself and to slow things down day by day, thought by thought.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself about quitting weed.
I commit myself to stop the excitement and happiness when I know someone has weed on them and thus available to me by slowing down my thoughts with breathing as the 4 count breath.
I commit myself to breathe through the reactions of how much harder it will be to quit now that I am around it and that it is available to me.
I commit myself to not compare myself to the last time I quit smoking weed as I realize it wont be the same this time and that I am not here with myself if I am thinking about the past.
I commit myself to when and as I start to look at the task of quitting weed in its entirety, I stop and breathe . I realize that its much easier to take things day by day, thought by thought so that I dont overload myself with the burden of it all.
Re: Joseph's writings
Posted: 10 May 2017, 21:16
Okay so I missed yesterday I was supposed to write but I didnt. See what happened was I started this 21day challenge when the desteni website was down for awhile so actually Ive been like 2 days ahead of what I am writing down on the forum. So i wrote about my fall and started back at day 1 but really I am on day 3. I was scared to write them all out at once because I was thinking how you guys might think im a fake lol. So i feared that. Like my Self-forgiveness isnt genuine or that I wrote about 3 days when its only been one. I feared someone calling me out and I feared not being able to explain myself. So last night I thought "ahh what the hell im tired and ill just wait".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as a fake.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as not genuine with me Self-forgiveness and writings and have people think that I made it all up to just seem like I am doing a 'good job'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to explain myself about the confusion and then create more confusion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/feel/think that I have to prove myself to everyone on the forums.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my posts out of fear of being called out on and being seen as a fake.
Okay so now that is out of the way lol I will start with my Day 2
Last night I didnt come home till very late so I am writing about it today in the morning. Yesterday I woke up mad because I havent smoked. I got into a very nasty argument with my dad. After the argument I could easily see that I couldve chose a different path but I instead chose to blame someone else for the way I felt/been feeling. It was cool though because usually when something bad happens to me when Im trying to quit or infact when Im trying to stick to anything, I give up. Everything feels like its coming crashing down on me. I say fuck it. Fuck this because of that and bla bla bla lol. This time though it didnt happen. I was actually able to look at my reactions and use breath to slow myself down without feeling like my whole world is falling apart. So very cool. To me its a good sign and a big deal. Now I wouldnt say that Im done with giving up but I am sort of looking forward to the next time something bad happens that would make me want to give up so I can see if anything is different , any new dimensions from new situations that would affect me in a different way. So like a test to see if I can stand and remain stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up mad because I havent smoked weed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another person for feeling angry because I havent smoked weed.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to bring back this blame and anger back to myself.
I commit myself to when I wake up angry because I havent smoked weed, I stop and I breathe and I take the point back to myself. I realize that I am fully responsible for the way I feel and that I am the one generating this anger within myself and that no one else is doing anything to me.