Luka's Writings

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Luka
Posts: 181
Joined: 04 Dec 2011, 13:31
Location: Celje, Slovenia

Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby Luka » 15 Jan 2012, 13:28

Month 2, Week 3:

What makes me depressed? (On Blog)

It makes me depressed that I've landed in psychiatric hospital again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because of landing in psychiatric hospital again.
I won't allow to be depressed because of landing in psychiatric hospital again, because I understand that being hospitalized helps me to improve my mental health.

It makes me depressed because the state I'm in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because the state I'm in.
I won't allow to be depressed because the state I'm in anymore because I understand that my mental health will improve more and more by being hospitalized and by my Desteni process and writing myself to freedom.

It makes me depressed because I have to go back to hospital on Sunday evenings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because I have to go back to hospital on Sunday evenings.
I won't allow to be depressed because I have to go back to hospital anymore because I understand that I benefit from staying in hospital and enjoy staying there. It is also pointless to be depressed because I have to go back to hospital because when I actualy come back I accustom soon after.

It makes me depressed because I have bad reading condition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed because of my bad reading condition.
I won't allow to be depressed because of my reading condition anymore because I understand it will improve constantly, step by step, as it has up till now.

It makes me depressed because I have a bad listening condition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed because of my bad listening condition. My listening condition varies in connection with what I have to listen. If this is something about people's difficulties or health problems I don't endure much. I also don't endure much of the fast talking or/and lots of new information.
I won't allow to be depressed because of my listening condition anymore because I understand it will improve constantly, step by step as it has up till now.

It makes me depressed because I lay in bed much during the day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed because I lay in bed much during the day. I lay in bed from 5 to 6 hours during the whole day, that is between the activities and after 6 PM.
I won't allow to be depressed because of laying in bed much during the day, because I understand that I will need less and less laying in bed as my condition is improving.

It makes me depressed because I am unable to do anything after 6 PM.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed because I am unable to do anything after 6 PM.
I won't allow to be depressed because of my inactivity after 6 PM, because I understand that this hour, after which I am inactive will become later and later. I will make this hour later step by step, maybe firstly with some mild activities like listening to music and then later with reading blogs/articles on internet.

It makes me depressed because I have to make pauses between my activities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed because I have to make pauses between my activities.
I won't allow to be depressed because of making pauses between my activities, because I realise that I will need less and less of these pauses on a long term.

It makes me depressed because I think that I will be unable to live my life as a normal human being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will be unable to live my life as a normal human being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed by that belief.
I won't allow to believe that I will be unable to live my life as a normal human being, because I know that my mental health will improve much on the long term.
I won't allow to be depressed by that false belief, because I understand that my mental health will get better and better.

I won't allow to be depressed by ANYTHING whatsoever, because I am my own responsible for how and what I feel. When I become depressed I stop and breathe. I realise that I make my own depressions and can thus stop them whenever I decide so.



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Luka
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Location: Celje, Slovenia

Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby Luka » 22 Jan 2012, 13:16

Month 2, Week 4:

My metalhead period 2002-2007 (On Blog)

I started listening to metal in 2002, when I was still in primary school. It all began when my school-mate lent me "Kill 'Em All" album by Metallica. I got deeply impressed by that music and then started to listen further Metallica's albums and other metal bands like Motorhead, Iron Maiden, Cradle Of Filth, Blind Guardian and Children Of Bodom. It was also in 2002 when I also started to grow my hair and started to wear black clothes. Then in high school I have started going to metal concerts with my metalhead school-mate. We were vising concerts in Slovenia and Italy and enjoyed the ecstasy of metal to the fullest. I have good memories on concerts of Hypocrisy, Metallica, Kreator, Cannibal Corpse and Raise Hell and lots of smaller gigs. We have also visited MetalCamp in 2005, which is another nice memory. The subgenres of metal I was listening to were:

1 DEATH METAL: Death metal is an extreme subgenre of heavy metal. It typically includes heavily distorted guitars, tremolo picking, deep growling vocals, blast beat drumming, minor keys or atonality, and complex song structures with multiple tempo changes. My favourite death metal bands were: Hypocrisy, Malevolent Creation, Unleashed, Vader, The Crown, Monstrosity, Suffocation, Dying Fetus, Cannibal Corpse, Scaffold, Raise Hell, Cryptopsy, Death, Carcass.

2 BLACK METAL: Black metal is an extreme subgenre of heavy metal music. Common traits include fast tempos, shrieked vocals, highly distorted guitars played with tremolo picking, blast beat drumming, raw recording, and unconventional song structure. My favourite black metal bands were: Darkthrone, Marduk, Satyricon, Carpathian Forest, Dimmu Borgir, Burzum, DIssection.

3 THRASH METAL: Thrash metal is a subgenre of heavy metal that is characterized usually by its fast tempo and aggression. Songs of the genre typically use fast percussive and low-register guitar riffs, overlaid with shredding-style lead work. Lyrics of thrash metal songs often deal with social issues, often using direct and denunciatory language, an approach which partially overlaps with the hardcore genre. My favourite thrashers: Metallica, Kreator, Death Angel, Exodus, Slayer, Sepultura, Sarcasm.

4 POWER METAL: Power metal is a style of heavy metal combining characteristics of traditional metal with speed metal, often within symphonic context. The term refers to two different but related styles: the first pioneered and largely practiced in North America with a harder sound similar to speed metal, and a later more widespread and popular style based in Europe (especially Germany, Finland, Italy, Scandinavia), Argentina, Brazil, and Japan with a lighter, more melodic sound and frequent use of keyboards. My favourite power metal bands were: Blind Guardian, Grave Digger, Gamma Ray.

I was listening to metal music for 6 years, that is from 2002 to 2007. In this period I was wearing black clothes constantly and I was growing my hair. How come I was such a hardcore metal fan? Well, metal (especially death metal) is a music of passion and in this period I was full of anger and hatered, because I had emotional problems like lots of teenagers have. I also was grim and wasn't smiling a lot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be full of anger and hatered. I won't allow to be full of anger and hatered anymore because I understand that I'm my own responsible for how and what I feel.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be grim and not smiling a lot. I won't allow to be grim and not smiling a lot because I understand that I'm my own responsible for how and what I feel.



Marlen
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Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby Marlen » 22 Jan 2012, 19:59

Hi Luka

Cool for giving us the basics on metal. I can relate to this point as well, actually going through my 'musical history' has been part of this process in seeing which personalities were playing out and why I was listening to certain types of music. I didn't understand 'why' I was into metal at the time, however as Anna has described in one of her recent videos, the blunt reality of this world was mostly delivered by metal bands in their lyrics - this is in terms of having some type of 'self honest music,' which is probably how I was also into that for quite a while.

However, disengaging from only 'listening to metal' 24/7 was part of supporting myself to expand and listen to many types of music that I had even denied I enjoyed just because it didn't suit my rocker/ metal head type of personality. I've made two blogs here and I share them here - it's two parts because of how lengthy it is, but it's walking essentially through seeing myself from my attachment to music throughout my life, which as been indeed a 'big aspect' that has defined myself, my personality, morals, beliefs, tendencies, etc.

2011 Music - My Story - Part 1 & 2011 Music - My Story - Part 2

So I suggest that you use this point that you've opened up to explore yourself in terms of seeing how you have built yourself around this point such as 'being a metal head' and how that has defined who you are at the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be full of anger and hatered. I won't allow to be full of anger and hatered anymore because I understand that I'm my own responsible for how and what I feel.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be grim and not smiling a lot. I won't allow to be grim and not smiling a lot because I understand that I'm my own responsible for how and what I feel.
Writing more about the experience in terms of the entire memory is supportive to see what you were actually 'angry' about, what was it that was going on in your reality that lead you to be experiencing yourself this way -

The process of correcting yourself comes through writing in detail and opening up the points that are required to be looked at in terms of understanding How we created it. This way you'll see that it is not about smiling or not, but who you are within every moment and what is defining you as 'who you are' in every moment.



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Luka
Posts: 181
Joined: 04 Dec 2011, 13:31
Location: Celje, Slovenia

Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby Luka » 29 Jan 2012, 13:03

Month 2, Week 5:

Fears, fears, fears (Part One) (On Blog)

I've already wrote something about my biggest fears, that was psychosis, mixed up thoughts and nervous breakdown. Now I'll write something more about the other fears I have. I'll write this in three parts because writing this in one piece it would be too long.

I am afraid of listening to too much talking. This is because a lot of talking makes me nervous.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of listening to too much talking.
I won't allow to be afraid of listening to too much talking anymore because I understand that I can physically move away from the person doing too much talking and can so feel calm again.

I am sometimes afraid of myself. I am afraid that I will say or do something inapropriate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that I would say or do something inapropriate.
I won't allow to be afraid of myself because I understand I have complete control of myself that is what I do or say.

I am afraid that I will fall down the balcony everytime I stand on it. This is also an example of being afraid of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of falling down the balcony.
I won't allow to be afraid of falling down the balcony because I understand that I have complete control of what I do.

I am afraid of people dying. That is mostly in connection with my grandparents because they are old already and from people around me they will probably die first. They are healthy and vital but I realise that they won't live forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of my grandparents dying.
I won't allow to be afraid of my grandparents dying and will rather enjoy every moment spent with them.

I am afraid of being hungry. This fear is mostly connected with physical activity. I have bad experience with being hungry and being active at the same time, that was in November 2009 when my mental health condition got worse because of that combination.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being hungry.
I won't allow to be afraid of being hungry because I understand that nothing will happen if I am not physically active at the same time.

I am afraid of reacting with panic. I react with panic when I'm exposed to too much talking or when being exhausted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of reacting with panic.
I won't allow to be afraid of reacting with panic because I understand that I'm my own responsible for what I feel and how I react.

I am afraid of left-hand path, because I had that psychotic belief that I'm a left-hand path practitioner and I'm afraid that this had some bad impact on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of the "left-hand path".
I won't allow to be afraid that left-hand path had some impact on me because I understand that no such thing as "left-hand path" exists or exists only as a deception.

I am afraid to have mixed thoughts all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having mixed thoughts all the time.
I won't allow to be afraid of having mixed thoughts all the time because I understand that in human body and brain there is always a tendency to balance. I also take madications that keep my brain and consequently my mind to function as it has to that is thoughts being in order and "connected" with normal associations.

I am afraid of going back to closed department in hospital. This fear arises because I can't always endure activities that we have on open department to the fullest and so stand up and take a pause, which is of course very inapropriate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of going back to closed department in hospital.
I won't allow to be afraid of going back to closed department because I understand that my doctor and personel tolerate my inability because they know my mental health will improve and I am thankful to them because of that.

I am afraid of Creativity Hour that we have in hospital at Tuesdays. This is the hour when 3 patients have presentations about the things they like/their hobbies/their favourite place. The presentations last for 10 minutes and then we have a discussion for 10 minutes. I am afraid of that hour because it starts late in the afternoon that is at 4:30 PM and lasts till 5:30 PM. Like one month ago I was taking Lorazepam at that time to keep me calm, but lasts two weeks I am participating in that hour without additional medication. This Creativity hour means to me like a big effort because I hardly endure a lot of talking/a lot of information at a time and because we already have 2 hours of activities in the morning. In future I will definitely try to endure this hour without Lorazepam, because I understand that I will endure this hour easier and easier as I will become stronger mentally step by step.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of the Creativity Hour.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that participating in the Creativity Hour will result in another nervous breakdown.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that participating in the Creativity Hour will result in mixed up thoughts and consequently my mental state getting worse.
I won't allow to be afraid of the Creativity hour because I understand that I AM strong enough to endure this Creativity Hour with some normal effort.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I make my own fears and can thus stop them whenever I decide so.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am equal to my thoughts and my mind and can so decide what to think and what to feel and can so stop all my thoughts and feelings whenever I decide so by simply breathing and letting them go and by not accepting and allowing myseld to participate in the thoughts and feelings and the act of thinking.



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Luka
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Location: Celje, Slovenia

Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby Luka » 30 Jan 2012, 11:05

I've been blogging for 2 months now on a weekly basis. I have no monthly income, so my mother said she will treat me this course, because it is for sake of my health. I am asking for the option 50€ plus sponsorship, because this is the most I can afford. Please confirm me this sponsorship, because I need this course more than anything, because I'm a mental patient.



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Ann
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Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby Ann » 30 Jan 2012, 15:19

Hi Luka, I forwarded your questions to the people who handle sponsorship.

A suggestion I have is to sometimes take 1 point at a time. Because you cannot stop everything all at once, and get to the bottom of it all at once. It takes time but in the meanwhile, dont judge yourself for it. We all go through our own issues.
Because my experience is, that if you try to do everything at once, it can be quite overwhelming. You can still write about your day and how you experienced yourself ofcourse. But to really get to the bottom of something is important because else it will most likely return over and over again. And sometimes things will return because it is connected to other patterns. It is like a network we have formed throughout our lives, which you have to untangle piece by piece.

So for example about this part:
"
I am afraid of being hungry. This fear is mostly connected with physical activity. I have bad experience with being hungry and being active at the same time, that was in November 2009 when my mental health condition got worse because of that combination.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being hungry.
I won't allow to be afraid of being hungry because I understand that nothing will happen if I am not physically active at the same time.

"

There can be many more underlying thoughts and habbits that have triggered this. Like a need for control, a need for perfection, thoughts about your self worth, abuot what you think you have to be etc...
If you can already stop it right away to move through it, then thats cool:) If something is re-occuring, I would go deeper and see what is connected to it, why it keeps returning.

And exactly like Marlen said "Writing more about the experience in terms of the entire memory is supportive to see what you were actually 'angry' about, what was it that was going on in your reality that lead you to be experiencing yourself this way - The process of correcting yourself comes through writing in detail and opening up the points that are required to be looked at in terms of understanding How we created it. This way you'll see that it is not about smiling or not, but who you are within every moment and what is defining you as 'who you are' in every moment."



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Luka
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Location: Celje, Slovenia

Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby Luka » 05 Feb 2012, 12:24

Month 3, Week 1:

Creativity Hour Experience (On Blog)

In hospital we have the Creativity Hour at Tuesdays. It starts at 4:30 PM and it lasts till 5:30 PM. We sit in the circle and three patients have the presentations about the things they like/their hobbies/their favourite place. The presentations last for 10 minutes and then we have a discussion for 10 minutes, as I mentioned in my previous post. I was participating in that hour without additional medication (Lorazepam) again, because I decided I am done with this strong medication that cause addiction. I've also decided to endure that hour without taking a break, which has proven to be a big mistake. I forgive myself that I didn't take a break when I felt I need one. In the begining it was ok, I was more or less calm, but then I was starting to feel a tension and it was growing stronger and stronger. I had no specific thoughts during that hour, I just felt this mental tension. I was pushing and pushing, making effort, which was playing with fire actually as we will later see. When this hour was over I was completely confussed, nervous and exhausted. To even further extent I was on duty this evening, I had to prepare tables for dinner and clean them after. The result was near a nervous breakdown, the feeling of electricity started to go through my head for a few seconds. I thought that I will go crazy but luckily I was able to calm down to some bearable state after some time. I also thought that my endurance will fall because of that states, but luckily it didn't. The strategy for the next time having to endure this Creativity Hour will definitely be to take a 5 minute break to calm down. If happens that I will be on duty this same day, which is possible to happen, I will make a deal with personel to allow me to listen only to first two presentations. This Creativity Hour means to me like a big effort because I hardly endure a lot of talking/a lot of information at a time, because we already have 2 hours of activities in the morning. I endure the activites in the morning with much more ease and faster regeneration.
It makes me depressed that only I have this problem of enduring that Creativity Hour, other patients don't have this problem.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed because only I have this problem of enduring the Creativity Hour.
It makes me depressed because I am on the Open Depratment for 3 months already and still have this problem of enduring that Creativity Hour.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed because I am on the Open Department for 3 months already and still having this problem of enduring the Creativity Hour.
I won't allow to be depressed by the Creativity Hour anymore because I understand that my mental health condition will soon be getting better and better, step by step, with being active and my Desteni process.



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KimKline
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Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby KimKline » 05 Feb 2012, 19:31

I was participating in that hour without additional medication (Lorazepam) again, because I decided I am done with this strong medication that cause addiction. I've also decided to endure that hour without taking a break, which has proven to be a big mistake. I forgive myself that I didn't take a break when I felt I need one.
Cool that you are taking the initiative to experiment with different approaches. Are you co-ordinating this with your doctor?
In the begining it was ok, I was more or less calm, but then I was starting to feel a tension and it was growing stronger and stronger. I had no specific thoughts during that hour, I just felt this mental tension. I was pushing and pushing, making effort, which was playing with fire actually as we will later see. When this hour was over I was completely confussed, nervous and exhausted.
From my experience, when I experience a tension/nervousness/exhaution type experience, it is because of my participation within thoughts, backchat and reactions that I wasn't even aware of at the time. So in my experience, in this situation, it's less of a 'pushing' and 'effort' and more of a 'stopping', slowing down.

In other words, instead of 'fighting' these experiences, thus creating a resistance and friction, literally stop yourself from participating in the emotional experiences by asserting yourself, saying 'stop', and taking a moment for yourself to breathe and focus on your breath.

When I've done this, I've found that in that moment of stopping myself 'the world doesn't end', meaning, you are there for you, giving yourself a moment, like a gift, for you to find yourself and stabilize a bit before entering into the next moment.
The result was near a nervous breakdown, the feeling of electricity started to go through my head for a few seconds. I thought that I will go crazy but luckily I was able to calm down to some bearable state after some time. I also thought that my endurance will fall because of that states, but luckily it didn't.
I don't know for certain, but maybe this experience had less to do with luck, and more to do with you directing yourself to not fall in to the nervous breakdown and lack of endurance? Could this be an example of you taking directive control of yourself, and not allowing yourself to chase after the thoughts, feelings and emotions, reactions and backchat that bring you into a nervous breakdown or 'lack of endurance'?

Like I said, I don't know for certain, but when I read your words here it resonates within me with regards to my first experiences of self-direction, wherein I almost couldn't believe that I had a 'choice' to not pursue the mind into the 'oblivion' it used to take me to, and I could instead experience myself as stable, 'at peace' more than I ever knew possible.

If this is so- then that's really aweome self-direction!!! If not, well then I guess it's 'lucky' that you didn't put yourself through these exeriences.
The strategy for the next time having to endure this Creativity Hour will definitely be to take a 5 minute break to calm down. If happens that I will be on duty this same day, which is possible to happen, I will make a deal with personel to allow me to listen only to first two presentations.
Cool to see you directing your environment and your world to support you and your physical/phsychological needs as much as practically possible.

It makes me depressed that only I have this problem of enduring that Creativity Hour, other patients don't have this problem.
Comparing yourself to the others in your group is totally unecessary, it only leads to self-sabotage and does not serve you at all!!! You demonstrate that you recognize this in your self-forgiveness here:
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed because only I have this problem of enduring the Creativity Hour.
It makes me depressed because I am on the Open Depratment for 3 months already and still have this problem of enduring that Creativity Hour.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed because I am on the Open Department for 3 months already and still having this problem of enduring the Creativity Hour.
...but you are still not taking responsibility for it, which is the only way to empower yourself to change. Within your statements above, you are still blaming yourself for what seems to be 'not having acheived a certain amount of progress' that you have projected for yourself to attain. In this way, you set yourself up for failure because you don't have a specific acheivable goal, what you have here is an entire expectation for yourself to change and 'be a certain way' in some undetermined amount of time, which is a huge impossible task!

Maybe start with smaller more acheivable goals, like practicing stopping your thoughts and remembering to focus on breathing during creativity hour (even this will be tough at first).

In terms of comparison:

You are in your own process and you have lived your own life up to this point, and your experience and everything that led up to it is not possible to be compared to another in any relevent way.

So I would suggest to start with forgiving yourself for accepting and allowing comparison, for not realizing that comparison is self-sabotage, for separating yourself from others through comparison.

Here are some examples:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others instead of realizing that I am in my own process and I can only be responsible for me and my own process of self-change.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that comparing myself to others is self-sabotage which leads me to the emotional experience of depression, instead of me being stable and present in awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by comparing myself to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by participating in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others in my group by comparing myself and my progress to them and their progress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to the others in my group intead of taking responsibility for myself and my own process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself from facing me Here by occupying my mind with comparison and self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as comparison and self-judgment.

..... this is the kind of self-forgiveness I have done in a similar situation, except I would expand on it and you would of course personalize it to support you by being more specific with what you experience.

Lastly,
I won't allow to be depressed by the Creativity Hour anymore because I understand that my mental health condition will soon be getting better and better, step by step, with being active and my Desteni process.
here it seems like you're hoping for change, and projecting into the future to a time where the Desteni I process will help you later (which it will), but it would be really cool for you to support yourself now, in your present situation, by taking little steps every day. For example, reminding yourself to breathe during creativity hour.

Be gentle on yourself, take it a little bit at a time every day, because with patience, the results of this action accumulate over time to some amazing self-change.



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KimKline
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Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby KimKline » 05 Feb 2012, 21:07

I just realized smething else that I think is important to share, which is that there are a LOT of points covered in the last post. From stopping thoughts, to self-blame, projection, self-judgment and comparison! That is a lot! And because a lot of points do come up in one day. It can be very overwhelming! I've heard the begining of the process described as 'waking up in a storm', which I could really relate to that at the beginning of my process, and still can.

The reason why I'm saying this is just as a reminder (to myself as well), to not become overwhelmed by the amount of points that come up in one day- but to remember the only way through this is by taking one point at a time. Maybe later on we can take on more, but for now, chose just one point and write out that one point with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

So, for example, seeing as your last post had the main subject of your experience of yourself during creativity hour, maybe you can focus on, for example, remebering to breathe during that hour. As I had metioned, practising giving yourself a moment (as a gift) to stabilize before entering into the next moment, by simply stopping yourself (asserting yourself within yourself:I STOP myself, I do not accept or allow myself to participate within and as these emotions) and remembering to breathe, to focus on your breath, and bring yourself back Here.

Thanks Luka- for posting and sharing you and supporting everyone (including me) by supporting yourself.



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Luka
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Location: Celje, Slovenia

Re: Luka Blogging for Sponsorship

Postby Luka » 06 Feb 2012, 11:33

Thank you very much Kim for that extensive feedback/help/support. I will add this self-forgiveness you've mentioned to my blog.




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