Tormod's blogg

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tormod
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http://tormodworks.blogspot.no/2014/05/ ... state.html


Wyoming – the equality state.



From 1996 till 1997 I spent 10 months in Wyoming USA. I was a exchange student at senior year in high school. My experience from back then I will go through inn self forgiveness and self corrections. My memories from there are many and they vary.


Enjoy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on energy and judging myself from when I was taking on bullying back in 1996 and 997, and being bullied from when I was in high school in USA.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to participate with the emotional energies from my memory of being bullied by different people in high school, and for in general for taking on the role of a victim of bullying in school.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself on basis of the energies that is left from the bullying words and backchats like “Tormod the gay” that I would be called by other students like A, B, C and D, that where at school with me and I would make me depressed and confused by these words, and this bullying making my total experience of this year into a emotionally charged experience and rollercoaster ride of emotions and confutation and feeling lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question my self confidence, and my religious believes from this memory of being bullied by different students in USA, in 96 and 97 and for starting to question if god exist for instance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more and more lost as the year past on in USA.

When and as I see myself taking on self judging or blame and I go into sabotaging of myself and I start to judge myself from this words of bullying. I stop and I breathe. I realize that this bullying and this year that I had was when I was living within the matrix so to speak I was living breathing in total addiction to mind and to my pre-programmed design. I realize that I have changed since then and I realize that self sabotage must end and it must stop. I cannot go about and sabotage myself with backchats or thoughts where I bring myself down further.

I commit myself to end all sabotaging and to end all depression and energy addiction to when I was back then living and just being my own pre programmed design. I commit myself to change into something that is supportive and I commit myself to be supportive and to bring change to my life and to bring that change with inn my life that I wish to see in the world. I commit myself to keep changing and be that cool change that I would like to see in this world.

When and as I see myself go back to this memory of being bullied by students and being called this name of “Tormod the gay” I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can not judge myself and let the bullyers win by giving into this memories and its emotions. I realize that I will let the bullies win if I give into this characters of depression or of polarity and confutation, from back then. I realize that I must not go back and feel sorry for myself by indulging in the word of bullying that I experienced. I commit myself to stop the guilt and the blame from this experience, and I commit myself to end all guilt and end all self blaming and al self judging from this memory and I commit myself to stop the self blame.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my memory of x at his farm telling me that I was "doing good shuffling dirt" and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my memory of x and y living at my second home in USA and how I liked it better there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back to the memory of me and J driving his Corvette and stopping to shoot his gun at one time we drove through the prairies of Wyoming and I would go back to this point and judge myself because I do not like shooting guns and pistols at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back to my memory of being in the house of J and I remember shooting laser bullets into the fire stove like to practice, where I later judge myself from this experience and bring myself down and into depression as I think that it is wrong to shoot pistols and guns and that they should not exist like they do today.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself from my experience of taking on this name “Tormod the gay” and all the other words that would hurt me during this time in High School, in USA.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my thoughts and backchats of the friendship I had with M where I would think and participate in backchats that “ I am M's alibi because M is gay and I am still being bullied for being gay, even though I am not gay”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my life would be better or different If I was not taking on all this harassment and if I was not being bullied to that extent that I was back then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the emotional nervosity and bad memories that come to my mind when I hear the words “High School” or from my memories of the school that I went to inn USA.


I realize that T and C where very strict Baptists and very religious, and I realize that I on my side, was just sort of waking up, from my imaginations and lies of religion and god, and I was just coming out from my religious closet so to speak and I was just coming out from believes of god and religions and trying to leave it all behind, sort of.

And I realize that I was still at age 17 very much realizing words like god or religion and being driven by it so to speak. As I was debunking religious comfort inn total. And I realize that this year in USA did something to me as I would both become emotionally tangled up in emotions concerning girls and sexuality, alcohol and other events during this school year.


I commit myself to continue opening up closets for people and for breaking down religious walls of believers and to tear down the walls of fear and ignorance from religion. I commit myself to be a voice against worshiping God of mind, and I commit myself to be 100% honest about my past and to deal with my past with self-forgiveness, and sharing and talking to myself .



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the positive memory of when I was carving out pumpkins together with B to decorate and making pies, during Halloween at the homes of T and C.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the nervosity and the anxiety of my particular memory of laying in the back of the pickup car and having to pee real bad and peeing in boxes of soda and I realize that I was taking a risk of spilling my urine everywhere, as I was laying peeing in the empty boxes from soda, in the back of a moving pickup, and emptying it out later by the highway.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fear of T from his role of being very authoritarian and religiously committed and I would fear his words.

When and as I see myself ending up in the back of the pickup of Mr. T I stop and I breathe. I realize that this happening made me fear T more and it made me fear T from being authoritarian. I realize that I would go back to this happening and live the back chats over and over again in my head and in my mind. I realize that I have been taking on guilt and shame and fear from this event.

I commit myself to break free from these patterns of fear and of self sabotaging. I commit myself to stop the guilt and the fear that is involved and to realize that we are equally in this place and on this earth together and that we all must learn to live on it in equally.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience backchats inn my head, like “you will trust me rights Tormod” and “please don’t disappoint me Tormod” and “please do as I say, Tormod,” that I would tell myself within my mind and inn my head, as I give into my fear of this man T and his morals or ethical religious principles.


And I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to participate within my emotional memory of T and C threatening me with sending me home to Norway if I did not attend church with them.

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself feeling tiny and uncertain of my life and my situation at that point in my year in USA I was experiencing emotions and turmoil's, being far from safe home and my own parents, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that T and C was being cruel towards me and that their cruelty was especially directed towards me since I was in opposition to attending church with them in USA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energies of my memory of positive character of when I would be on the bus to school with other pupils and I especially remember J and how she would talk all flirty to me and ho she would all of a sudden grab my penis and masturbate me at the buss.


And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the sexual energies from my memory of her words that where very sexually directed during the ride of the buss to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in my memory of riding with a bus with P and for making out with her on the bus to a band practice and I remember how I would lay in the bus and fool around with here on the way from band practice in a city.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the memory of positive character of the traditional yellow school bus that would drive me and other pupils to school and the fact that I was taking a part of the American school system as I was a senior year in Wyoming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my memories of being bullied and called name at school and I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to participate in the energies of my memory of having contact with M in school and that M would kind of protect me and guide me from harm when I was being bullied and I especially remember that M would be open with me about him being gay, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energies of my memory of M being my alibi for going to school, and relief of what I experienced as bullying, in school like I would take on his bullying sort of, making it safe for me to go to school, as I would sort of hide within M.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the idea how I was acting out as M’s alibi for being homosexual, and I forgive myself that I imagined to myself that I would take on bullying instead of M like a Jesus, as a result of me just being in USA, Wyoming for a limited time, and I could be sacrificed sort of speak, and in fact just staying there for 10 months, and that I was more easy to pick on because of that responsibility within bullying from other students and how that that would think that they would not stand charged later in life because I would leave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the negative charged memory of C that where calling me names and that were also at one point scratching up my skin in a swim pool that she said she was sorry about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself from my memory of being at this nature resort and getting drunk with my High School senior class, and particularly my memory of cutting myself in the foot with a knife, as I was very drunk and trying to fix my pants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger and regret that this was the very first time in my life I was drunk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think back at this event and think that this was a turning point within my life as I would turn to the usage of alcohol and later drugs to escape from my responsibilities and to hide myself in drugs and alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a person who would inflict pain onto self from cutting myself in my foot at this school trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and place regret and self judging onto myself from this senior class school alcohol trip taking place and for thinking that it was a sorry trip where we only abused our self with alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to participate with the emotional regret of myself and my remembering that I felt horny from the alcohol this day being drunk.

When and as I see myself going back to this happening at this nature resort drinking with class. I stop and I breathe. I realize that we were simply abusing our self with alcohol at this trip and very little else took place. I realize that I often regret this trip, and I realize that I often think back at this and regret and judge myself from my memories of this trip. I realize that this was the start of my career as an alcoholic.

I commit myself to quit judging myself from the memories of this trip as I was simply acting out my pre-programmed design and to stop the blame within myself from this trip. I commit myself to delete all judgment and all blame from this trip. I commit myself to walk the actual change within my daily life, and to be the change within my life that I want to see and that I need to be .

When and as I see myself going back to my early start of becoming addicted to alcohol and addicted to drugs. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I very fast starts to judge myself from this point in my life, and I was only living my preprogrammed self. I realize that I if I judge myself or present regret or blame onto myself I am not living here as honesty and in real life.

I realize that I must come clean from everything ,including the nitty gritty or emotional or self judging from my past. I realize that I should be free from blame and judging.


I commit myself to work on self-forgiveness one everything that is happening or creating friction, with my life. I commit myself to delete all energies and stop my addiction to energies and giving into mind. I commit myself to stop living in mind and in addiction to energies, and to live here as myself. I commit myself to be myself here in honesty as much as I possibly can and to be the change that I need to see. I commit myself to not place blame with anyone and to live as I preach sharing and caring for all life on this planes equally, because we are equally in it together.


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tormod
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Post by tormod »

Thank you Sylvia.

Thank you very much !

http://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2014/05/29/day-436/

Day 436 I got hacked

I woke up this other morning and my Google account was hacked. Someone somewhere hacked into my Google account and stole my Gmail, my YouTube and my former blog. I consider it lost now as the hours pass by. But I choose not to cry over spilled milk. And rather turn the coin. I see it as a opportunity to developed and start clean. However I do not blame the hackers for trying to steal my money, or other peoples money. They are acting out of pre-program and what they have been thought. No one is really to blame it just happens and it happened to me.

If anyone needs to look at what I have been writing in blogs earlier, please visit:

http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=2567

I will be creating vloggs and blogs from scratch, here on.

When I think of it... it is that way I have been through psychiatry to, I have lost lots of valuable time there. 10 years in vain sort to speak. Lets be clear; I do not want to carry blame towards the psychiatric system. They simply do as they are thought within their own pre-programmed reality, and I cannot blame them.

Many people within psychiatry see only the abuse and the negativity within them and the system. They see only that they are being drugged and they are left feeling abused by the system by the system and doctors, and failing to see the opportunities and responsibility. And only staring at how they are being treated by the system by the government by teachers by parents, by school, or friends, or job relations and so on.

This is a chance that I am being given to prove that I can do better. And I will do that.

Self forgiveness:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the thought "Shit I have been hacked" and for separating myself from it taking away my responsibility to the thought and to the ideas or the fears that are hidden within the dust of the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the fear that I have in telling people that I have been hacked and that I have been fooled by people and for letting them hack me, where I see that nothing is coincidental and I need to see how I can improve my situation and not bury in blame and guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to improve or do better and reach for something higher, when it is all a game of changing into more perfection and to become more honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the hidden idea with this though where I could imagine how I could improve myself and give myself new cool awareness and experiences where I would go into inferiority and superiority over imagining that I would like to have this new enlightenment shine over me like I was a superstar or famous person shining like a Jesus figure on others.

Self correction to be lived

When and as I see myself in a situation like this where something is taken or removed from me. I stop and I breathe. I realize that the hackers only removed and deleted information. I realize that this only opens up other opportunities for me. I realize that I when I turn the coin on myself if this happens to me again, I hereby remind myself not to start crying or going depressed but rescue as much as I can and to remind myself to save a copy and to save a file of data and to save a copy of everything that I would like to secure.

I commit myself to let thoughts be and to work on my physical until thoughts disappear totally.

And I commit myself to be here within myself physically until I need thoughts no more. I commit myself to turn the negative to something that is neutral and leave the experience as something that is simply that, neutral and to duble check myself is everything cleared and forgiven and to secure myself with supporting my physical and to eventually move on with my life. And to investigate new ground within myself .


Thank you.

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tormod
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Post by tormod »

http://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2014/06 ... direct-me/

Directing thoughts : so they do not direct me.

Thought:

I feel like I am so fuckings stuck.

This thought have come up within my mind recently as I realize that I live with my parents house and that I am 35 years old and I do not have a girl friend, I do not either have ordinary work, facts like that. And all these backchats or thoughts and reactions within me that create this thoughts where I tell myself that” I am so fuckings stuck” and I realize that this thought drives me insane with guilt and shame and directs me into having further thoughts and paranoia with how I experience my life situation. Like I am lost behind the carrier or something. How I should go desperate and find a girl friend online and try to move to a city and similar and seaming desperate thoughts.

I use the tool of self forgiveness to deal with these reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the images and the ideas of where I live and ideas and thoughts and the fact about my life sort of team up on me and shoot out this thought where I tell myself that “I am so fuckings stuck where I am at” failing to realize that since of my situation I can spend more hours writing and sharing online and giving into sharing and producing materials to share of my experiences.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought that gather from these circumstances gather up and create a series of ideas and desires making my life a hell, within me as it came bursting like voices through my head and my mind like rocket, bringing me out of balance.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let in on myself this particular thought that I mentioned above and for letting this though create paranoia and confusion within my life and for letting this particular thought drive me into desperation of looking for potentional girl friends and for looking for other possibilities of housing, that I could look for online services that might have a girlfriend to offer me, totally thinking with my dick and looking at giving into abuse and dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought drive me into having ideas and desire about x and how I could potentinonaly hook up with x again, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind with desires and imaginations on how I could hook with x and have sex with x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that x only wants to be my girl friend because I have more money than she does and that would be her ticket out of poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think as I am directed by this thought, that I could try to find a girl friend on cafes or inn social settings and other places, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I could try to find girl friends in other places and in other forums than where I normally go. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought direct me into having more and more complicated thoughts and idea on how I picture my life living with parents at home and not having real work or relationship, and that from this I grow characters where I blame myself for being a looser and for having thoughts of not having success or a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I need to find a place of my own somewhere that I could live in rural Norway or in a apartment to live on my own, and for thinking that my parents could by me such a place because they are my parents and they have more income than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have not succeed or I have not balance within me because I live with my parents and I give into the energies that tell me that it is not cool and it is rather embarrassing to live with ones parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this idea that nothing is ever good enough for me and that I need to have something higher up and something more and fresher and something new all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I find it hard to try to find a solution to my desires of finding a girl friend and being stabile and calm on where to live and that I would try to convince myself that I am fine where I am at, while thoughts appear, telling me that I need nothing more and that less is more and where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start this series of complaints that everything is taking so fuckings long time, and to be further directed by this thought where I tell myself that I need change within my environment and within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into envying from this thought where I tell myself that I need something different and cooler, where I realize that I am simply envying other people and I am simply envying other peoples life style and money.

When and as I see myself having thoughts like “I am so fuckings stuck where I am “, and thought where I tell myself that I should be doing something complete radically different like to move from my apartment to the city and to give my money to someone who needs it or like if I should give my stuff away and walk the earth. I stop and I breathe. I realize that If there is fear or paranoia with how I see my life situation or how I experience my situation I am most likely envying something else and I am most likely envying and being jealous on other people and envying others life situation.

I realize that jealousy, is a bad emotion. I commit myself to be real about how we are going to have a living income guaranteed amongst humans on this earth and how It is inevitable to have a more decent life styles for everyone and to delete poverty.

I commit myself to stop and investigate this thought within me where I investigate what is going on within my mind and my head as I turn into envy and I start envying others.
I realize that as long as I am single I am fine living home with where I am living now. I realize that envy is a read bother and I commit myself to clear out any envy or jealousy bullshit that might be within me. I commit myself to stop all thought about envy that might appear within me.

As I have worked with this directing of thought a character have appeared within me, a “Not good enough character”, or personality if you like.

I Realize that that I have this buzz going on in the back of my head almost constantly, and in the back of my mind where I tell myself that I am not doing things well enough. That I do not push myself hard enough or far enough. I have this thought or backchats that goes on almost all the time telling me that “hey you are not pulling your weight” and ” dude you need to hurry up” and “you suck” or “you are so lame” and backchats where I judge myself and blame myself cruelly.

And I realize that I have developed a total character of judging and blaming myself where I tell myself in short glimpses that I am not cool enough or that I am not giving it all that I need to give it. And I live in this character of being a looser.

Why do I experience these thoughts? Why do I have this backchats in my mind ? What is laying behind this need of mine to judge myself ,and tell myself that I am not good enough ?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have so good knowledge within psychiatry and I am supposed to know everything apart within psychiatry and I judge myself as fool and a looser because I still do not work within those doors and I still do not have work to do within psychiatry as much as I would like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not good enough to do what is expected of me and to feel like a complete failure when I have this backchat going of all the time in my head, where I tell myself that I am simply not good enough to do work or have girl friend or to live on my own.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I found myself within this status q where I have to face the consequences of the life that I lived before with drugs and abuse, and I would have to face the consequences by living with parents and not having a place of my own and so on.
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to push myself because of this thoughts where I tell myself that ok, now I am here and I have to do this and make the best of it if it is to by some apples or to drive my car or enter a coffee shop or go the movies and must do it and do the best of it and I commit myself to specifically in those happenings and actions taking place to be breathe and to be within myself stabile and breathing 100% – whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have this constant feeling of having to compete with myself where I first tell myself that I am not good enough and then later that I should do something in a different way and that I am not doing it properly. And I go into competing with what seems to me to be comparing myself with other peoples self forgiveness and blogs and sharing’s, and I tell myself that I am not doing it equally good like them and I bring myself down because of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the mode of competing and of taking on the role of being at a sort of competition when I think of stuff to write and how I think of stuff to produce and share with others and I start to compare myself with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I live my life from day to day and how I think to myself on a regular basis like during evenings that ” I should be more supportive ” and telling myself that I should care more for myself”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for my thoughts and for fearing that I do not know what to do with the thought and I would fear to doubt myself as I instead separate myself from the thought and creating this huge gap where I blame myself and I tear down everything nice about myself through sabotaging myself with not being responsible for my thoughts and directing them nicely and in decency and for what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not have a specific career and that I do not have scholar education even so I am fucked and I cannot make it, make the success in life, failing to realize that I have given myself a opportunity to work on myself further and even more since I do not work and since I do not spend lots of hours in school and work, and I can write at computer at home instead.

I commit myself to work steady and steadfast on my writings and to blog and vlog about the world and psychiatry and everything that is involved. I commit myself to be alive and to be breathing 100 % of the time that I am here in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the thought ” I am such an looser” and by separating myself from the thought I am giving into believes that it is not my thought, or responsibility and starting to occupy mind energies and the experience of being a looser, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my thoughts as they pop up in my head and I blame it on system and I blame it on pre programmed and everyone else when they occur in my head and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don’t want to deal with my thoughts as I find the two scary and freaky, and evil and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my thoughts and pretend to throw away my thoughts and my responsibilities to thought and thinking in general.

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tormod
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Post by tormod »

Thank you Sylvia !

Youre comments are precious to me !

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Rozelle de Lange
Posts: 650
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 14:04

Re: Tormod's blogg

Post by Rozelle de Lange »

Hi Tormod,

Cool writings for day 436. It's interesting to see how all of these thoughts and experiences as consequential outflows are manifested from essentially one main/core point here, which is self-judgment. .I would suggest applying more specific self-forgiveness around the self-judgments which you are facing within the writings above.

Also have a look at the following statement:
I realize that jealousy, is a bad emotion.
- It's not that jealousy is good or bad in and of itself. Rather this 'bad' attachment is a judgment one has towards the point. Jealousy has a negative energetic charge, and one can commonsensically see that living this word within one's life is not a 'best for self and all' expression. So I would suggest to remove the judgment from the word and look at it directly for what it is without adding an 'additional layer' around the word.

Thanks

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Rozelle de Lange
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Post by Rozelle de Lange »

I woke up this other morning and my Google account was hacked. Someone somewhere hacked into my Google account and stole my Gmail, my YouTube and my former blog. I consider it lost now as the hours pass by. But I choose not to cry over spilled milk. And rather turn the coin. I see it as a opportunity to developed and start clean.
- Cool that you see it as an opportunity to start a new. I am reminded here about the time my PC's hard drive crashed and I consequentially lost AALLL of my work. My lost DIP assignments were the hardest pill to swallow about the whole point, and I immediately went into emotion where I first got angry and then depressed within participating in the thought of "Oh my god! ALL that hard work is just GONE... It took me AGES to walk those points".
Then I realized that just because the information had been deleted from my physical reality in digital form - doesn't mean that I have lost it all. I reminded myself that I had walked the points and I had realized what I had learned through my walking. Also with the assignments which were unfinished, I saw that I could just start anew with them as it would be a cool opportunity to expand of what I had initially walked within my writings.

Obviously its not cool to have your stuff lost/hacked, yet in the same breath its cool that you see you are able to simply start again.

Thanks for sharing!

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tormod
Posts: 1071
Joined: 25 Jan 2012, 12:05

Re: Tormod's blogg

Post by tormod »

Thanks Rozelle.

Thank you for highlighting that to me : Self - judgement is a bummer with me.

I will work on that !

Meanwhile here is my newest post:

http://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2014/06 ... sychiatry/



Day 437 Psychiatry



I have been enrolled within the psychiatric system for 12 years now. 12 year with that health industry. I have learned a lot but I have learned the hard way. I am still enrolled within it. The road to where I am today have been long and hard. Many of my friends have died. I have been psychotic and very sick many times I have been abusing drugs and abusing alcohol and myself with porn, and doing everything that I was not supposed to. I do not blame myself for this today – because I am walking a process with desteni.org with self forgiveness and self correction. I have defied parents and system and gone through suffering of possession and emotional stress. I have been doing things that my doctor would not permit. I have had many a doctor and I have had many arguments with nurses. It’s been 10 years with suffering and abuse. 80 sometimes in and out of hospital. Taking the doctors pills and gaining weight, going off and doing drugs. This spiral goes round and round to this day taking chemicals gaining weight, going of chemicals taking drugs and wanting drugs. And drinking lots of alcohol. Round and round in a loop. It is the evil of psychiatry industry and it have to stop.



It is a dangerous game and it a game that is not recommended to anyone to play the doctor for a fool and to rather want to do drugs. Either way you (I) loose. I would say your chances of survival, are much higher with taking the chemicals from the doctor, and gaining weight, for some times, rather than involving with crime and abuse. Gaining weight and loose life expectancy with chemicals, or do drugs and drink and act careless about your life. It is a game you lose anyways. Still I have been addicted to the energetic experience of taking on and into myself some kind of drug and I have been addicted to taking onto myself drugs for so many year that I need to come down from it and it is going to take time. Today I take one medication. Only one.



It have been said many times that these two are depending on each other, that drugs and mental health go hand in hand. That they belong together. Well if you do drugs you are more likely to become mentally sick that is for sure. But what is left out is that there could be therapy without drugs. I see today a survey from USA where children as young as 1 years old take medication to heal mental illness. I will repeat that one more time. Children as young as 1 years old take chemical drugs. So we seem to have forgotten that humans can actually change. Especially children are adaptable to change. Humans can also have therapy without chemicals. There is therapy without chemicals. It is often the most successful. I am living proof of that. I have been playing drum and guitar and piano and being drawing and painting and also done quite a lot of writing and reading. And that have improved my life situation.


I have been writing with this secret or this key, self forgiveness. I have been writing within it now for 2 years. 2 year of steady writing and saying self forgiveness. That pays of eventually. And that is real fuckings therapy.



I will repeat myself here. The key or the big secret in life is to use the therapy of self forgiveness. Self forgiveness is the big solution that the human need to go through to change.

So what we seem to forget here is the real therapy involved. The hours of talking and making arts and playing guitar and playing piano the hours spend writing and walking daily walks. That is fuckings therapy. Chemical therapy is just temporarily and a short period medical solution that is not to last for several years. Chemical therapy is very dangerous as it is extended, and it shortens one’s life expectancy with many, many years.



Today I visit a community nurse every 14 days or so. We talk about stuff like housing and work, mental health and so on. It is something that I look forward to do within my routine life. It is nice to talk to her and to get the kind of information that I need. It is cool that she shares her opinion with me on how I am making progress with work, and staying of drugs.

I visit my doctor every 14 days. Right now we are sort of on hold and waiting for the director of the mental hospital in Stavanger to contact me to start with new recovery meetings. We are planning a recovery group together, and right now we are waiting for the director to take initiative to invite to a new meeting.

It seems that there are actual force or should I say industry and energies within it, that works to make everyone the same and identically. Through government and also military plan to make every citizen totally identically. And to have a elite upper class that control the lower class with its military and by creating everyone into robots. Let me draw you a example. Mc Donald’s wants every cow to be al identical as possible. They want their burger to taste the same in Norway and in Brazil and Chicago and in Bangkok. They want the cows to be identical. And it is the same with the paramedic industry. Selling drugs to children and to everyone. There are some demons that want us to be identical and by spraying on us with chemtrails and serving us burgers and student loans, and chemical therapy, to put it that way. Putting flour in the tap water etc. But these energies have come over time and the people that are serving them are not to blame , they are simply following their pre- programme just like I was before I found desteni.org.



They are trying to genetically fix and manipulate the people to become identical slaves and to be the very same sort of humans. Through government programs they are mainstreaming everyone to be totally the same with chemicals and all sorts of programs from you are born until you die. With the commercials and the food we eat and the poisonous air we breathe, from chemtrails, and all sorts of pollutions. I am telling you again my friend that there are demons that work like energy to make this happen in this world. Either they are Mc Donald CEO,s or they run big banks it does not matter. It really does not matter because we are in it equally and together. And we must work and cooperate together to make the best possible outcome. We are in the boat, all of us and we must do what is best for all. And what is that? To have a decent life. To delete poverty. To have the money to by a guitar and pay for a painter course. To afford to have medical care and education etc. A more fair share for everyone from the big money cake. Some are actually trillliarders today, within this world and they do not go out of their way to stop these drugs, burger, chemtrails, bank loan plans etc. They are out there with a scruppeled conscious. They are out there sitting in the director chairs and making decisions. They are real and they make a part of our reality. Do not doubt this. We need to remember that we can change. We can take on our self therapy and forgive our self, and stop the blame game. We can work this out, but we need everyone to participate.




There are hummans that want to protect the rich elite of this world to be the ones in charged. But it is not going to end like that. There will be no new world order like that. The only new world order that we will see is from people who have gone process with self forgiveness through many years and that have cleared out all corruption and all fear and emotions, energy addictions etc. The only new world order that we will ever see it that of living income guaranteed and equal money system and the children of tomorrow.



So back to the nurse and I. Usually I come to this nurse and talk and we share cup of coffee and she often credits me for being so steadfast with my writing and telling me some honesty. We talk about the future of psychiatry, and about the new recovery model where I hope to find work. We both share the idea that Recovery model in psychiatry will be what is best for all. And she tells me to be proud of being drug free in my 2nd year. And I am reminded that life without the hash and the weed and the beer is far better life. It cannot be compared.



So let’s summarize abet. I would not be here today if it was not for the cognitive programs of drawing , painting , playing piano, walking, writing and reading. And this is what is therapy. Large doses of medication is murder. If you take those large doses of drugs every day for many, many years your life expectancy is reduced with maybe 20 years and that is alarming. Bring back the real therapy programs let solve this together investigate a solution to start writing and learn self forgiveness: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

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sylvia
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Post by sylvia »

Cool blog Tormod!

I've read that many schizophrenic patients who are on medication use drugs and alcohol, just to try and minimize the side effects of the medication. Which is quite sad if one has to self-medicate with drugs/alcohol due to the nature of the medication.

Cool path you're walking Tormod, you are the living example that things can be done differently. Thanks for being here and walking with.

Eleonora
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Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Post by Eleonora »

Thanks for sharing Tormod,
quite a path you are walking here and very consistently too, thanks for being here.

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