Tormod's blogg

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tormod
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Day 863 – self forgiveness process of life


I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around myself like on eggshells, fearing to make mistakes and fearing to screw up – giving into this personality of clamming to be neutral in life, where I fear to commit and I feel like backing out and not being seen or heard, sinking into me with no direction or plan – just wanting to vaporate as a being, within this I realize and see within me that making mistakes and doing “wrong” is part of life – that is how we learn to do stuff – right – and further I commit myself to simply do – to act to be and to live – and to not fear the mistake – but take it as a part of a learning curve. Also further than that – when I make a mistake – I commit to embrace myself and what goes down – completely – I commit myself to LOVE myself and the mistakes I do – fully and completely, again as a part of learning.



I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the dominance of my inherent schizophrenia structure – personality platform – within my mind and now within my body – that is the core of schizophrenia to me – a sort of stage or platform for 2 or 3 personalities to fight/balance each other out – and to conquer each other seemingly eternally in a fight for dominance over me, instead of realizing that even If there is such a sick game in my mind, I know and have proven that I can still take charge of the physical & being of me, to direct myself and move according to what I can assess in the moment is best for all – and not go into the seemingly endless schizophrenic depression and sorrow – that I recognize within most people living with this illness.



I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and in doubt and worry of my own being – where I fear to make mistakes, and I fear to screw up this math and recipe of mind system – leaving me then in a state of deep penetrating anxiety and I drain myself by giving into this anxiety that is a polarity and a program of my mind that is mining my physical to keep up the looping and polarity games in my mind, and this seeing and responsibility of know-about – that the mind box extracts physical resources from my physical body to keep running its systems of polarity and believes of mind – just like big cooperates exploit he natural earth for its recourses – and neither is sustainable – so I am ending my own inner exploiting and abuse of me as a natural physical being – giving life back to life.



I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated and in sorrow over being presented information about what some people are willing to do to hold on to assumed power, position and money, meaning what level of inner greed and corruption and deep down abuse that humanity is willing to accept as a part of their own mind – inner reality and THEREFOR also on the outer external reality and life that we face and live. Within this I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated, depressed and inferior in comparing to specific people that live under certain conditions, codes and certain laws – where I find in myself and I see in another that specific concept that even though there are people who are wiling and also that in structured manifest and family weapon etc – in all obviousness – present themselves as abusers to stay in power and money positions, that still tells me that : I am looking at the man in the mirror and THAT person is who I have to deal with – that my inner most sick demons that have been part of my thoughts and reality in this life – are equally mine to forgive, alter and change as self.



Also within this I find that awareness and knowhow from the dimensions and where Mykey tells me through the portal: That which I find unforgivable and impossible to accept as myself – where I keep judging myself is where my view and movement is skewed into a position of judging myself – because that – back then I could have made better choices and lived a better life, but I did not, and the abuse that I lived, I then need to view today as a story – and what I can then do to alter my standing and within that my understanding of my own position and belonging to such story. And it is within that UNDERSTANDING of self as a partaker in a story – that I can go back into the memory/story and live it differently (!) to free myself from the system placement and energy addiction with mind consciousness system of the memory by forgiving myself – AND change myself as the partaker in the story, and end the self judgement. Meaning I needed to go back to my stories that where haunting me and rewrite my experience of the stories. I needed to rewrite the story – this will not change the past – but I can change the story – and it will change who I will be in the present and so the future.

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864 – make my mind sexy


I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself the feeling of emptiness and void within me, feeling there is a lack or a empty space within that I have to fill and “make desirable” – I feel like I have to make my life and living more likeable more sales worthy – it is like I give my mind the task of making my life more desirable and according to my mind the result of this is that; in my dreaming my mind produces porn for me to watch in my dreams, I find myself in my dreams – watching porn, and that is not ok – obviously – because then I start to desire porn and sex pictures and such imagination in wake life – in separation of self and life – where I see and realize that I need to first define and sort out the emptiness and void within me – to properly define that and then after that – if needed – find something to fil the void with that is of life support.

So, the emptiness is basically feeling like I am ready for next level. I feel like this level is complete and done. I feel ready for next challenge basically. And it is also a stability point and mastery point for me to recognize myself as a being – meaning I have come very far in my process, and I have achieved lots and realized lots about self. So instead of following the Mc Donald’s way of making my mind reality more “sexy” or basically for me to dream of sex and porn, and follow the system way of just feeding my mind with energies and images – like the dead mind zombie robot that I have prior been – I would need to ground that and find my stand in that and find something that I can fill my void with, some interest or something where I can believe in myself again and not lose faith because of dreaming of porn. But forgive that and like with this writing understand that, find something that I enjoy that can fill my void somehow. This might not be easy to alter, but I will not give up.

So this is about understanding my mind, and then to believe in myself, because I have come far – and I have accomplished lots – however I will not slack of and simply let mind run its course – I know that would lead me into suffering – I will ground myself, honor life as the physical real awareness that is here – waiting to come alive as godhood of flesh of self (to make it biblical lol) So I am here – standing as solution to self.

Investigate : https://desteni.org/

Thank you for reading.

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Day 865 – voyage of void


I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that since I find this empty space within me, this void of sorts I therefor need to fill it up with something, like I have to make a show and a broadcast/entertainment out of myself and my free space, where I fail at recognizing that I should simply allow myself to have some free space within me. There is nothing wrong with emptiness, I don’t need to fill it with anything. I can just be my own space within – for me to breathe and perhaps if needed – give others space to see and realize self.

I was dreaming last night about finding empty spaces within me. I would have this urge to fill it up and to occupy the space with so me gadget or what would be seen as “value”. Like to make something out of nothing, but it did not sit right and I felt awkward about what I needed to do with it. I felt like I needed to develop that nature within me – instead of allowing it to be an empty and free space within me. Like we see in nature what we often think about is to develop and take profit of nature. To extract from nature – to our benefit. But nature also needs (today more than ever) to rejuvenate and heal from man’s abuse. So where to start with giving nature more space and freedom to heal? I start with my human nature. By allowing emptiness and void, a free space within me for me and my nature to heal self. So within so without.

My process buddy gave me a quote for me to look at here it is:

“The void is not the void because there is nothing to be empty of”

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Day 866 – time within



It happened in those days, that Folken – the student pub – where selling beers for discount, that I found an old school friend on the stairs there. I was 21 years old and the paradigm shift with increasing volume came over us all. I was rootless and very restless. From 1999 onwards towards an increasingly impulsing individually explained reality, me and my schizophrenia came into ever stronger flowering. I quickly became friends with a lot of people and there was a lot of partying. Deep blow of Motorpsycho at Kampen. Long nights on Løkkeveien, and yearning inspiration at Bruket in Hillevåg. Walking alone in the night and getting lost at Storhaug. Endless lots of beer, and a lot of flirting. Became acquainted with many in a short time. Did sorry things to many people. With drugs and escapism, there are always some who are suffering it turns out. The dance became a creative solution and rescue. I danced. I did not have time to sit on the party - I wanted to go out and dance and cause a scene. The spirit of the times still left blankets at my feet. Numusic, Recept, and Tou Scene, but with more and more traces of Schizophrenia. At Fontenehuset on Eiganes with painting as an activity and a growing aversion to chemical medicine. Later in Bjergsted on with more to paint. Some turning points triggered me, where the shift not only left blankets and palm leaves in front of me, but now youtube that tells me that we humans are locked in as pure slaves in our individual minds. What does Schizophrenia really mean and where does it come from? If you are wondering and have time I can tell you later. It all escalated further after Jan Arne, my foster brother, died. I was left in a snowstorm on Karlsøya, Troms, one winter in 2007/2008. Fyresdalen bathed in sun and flames in 2009 - it was magical and it really ignited a spark in me. I saw that there is more to life. That there are opportunities for a better world. Then it moved on more to a climax. North Trøndelag, Trondheim, Bergen, Møre, and still in more trouble. Harder, faster and tougher. I wanted to escape further, until I was on my way to South America in November 2011 - but it was landing with my last crazed tour in Denmark, Germany and the Netherlands, that winter. The fact that I am alive after that last trip I'm simply eternally grateful for. I threatened to be admitted to a mental hospital in Kiel, I slept in a frail tent during the Occypy Amsterdam movement, and in a bunk bed at the hostel with refugees in Copenhagen. Thankful first and foremost to my parents for not giving up on me. The spirit of the times has been here with its shattering of character for a very long time, more noticeably since 1998. The year before I found Folken & the beer.

There is a lot of melancholy in what I write. I think back with humble hands. Many different beautiful people I would like to talk to about the days when we drank ourselves silly while heaven as a dimension was completely emptied and closed completely down all vibrations and devices. Our task? To create a real heaven here on earth. As any self-respecting prophet has said. auuuh…. I would like to give you who can read this a good hug - so I give myself that hug and then you get to do the same with you. No one is coming to save us. We have to do that job ourselves. I can still show the way. From everything I have experienced and seen, self forgiveness is the most humiliating and strongest form of therapy that exists. And humility is rising in value. Many have we lost on the journey, but we can’t give up - I rather find that I "give up" - the concept - of giving up. It has worked well so far for me. Thank you for reading my thoughts. I hope to put out some seeds of awareness. We have this life and the opportunity to be here. Let us search within the self - forgive, heal, rise, and create the outside accordingly. Life is the only thing that has real value. It is the same for everyone. It can be very nice here. If we seek inwardly in the self - in our inner garden - our inner ecosystem - and do not give up… that dream.


About being stuck in your own garden & dream. We all have bigger or smaller bites - it all depends on the viewer - a bigger or smaller bit of utopia, a dream world. How we know we can be, where we know we can create a better world. Where we know it is possible to change. We know today that forgiveness of the self has an incredible redemptive power. And that honesty can be an incredibly nice path towards love. One day - dear friends, we can be together without having to measure each other, without having to compete and think polarizing thoughts about ourselves or others. That day was shattered into a thousand thousand thousand pieces a long time ago. The piece we find - is our golden garden - our belonging, our dream world, our better self. When we search for ourselves in our memories, origins and presence, when we piece our self back together, we reflect in others, we constantly find bites and elements that we recognize in one way or another. Pieces of ourselves that were lost to us, pieces of our universal belonging that we carried as little children, but which in thoughts, judgement, ignorance, competition and polarization of the conscious mind - lost or forgotten, repressed as stupid, bad or sinful. It is when we later find these "grains of gold" these elements of our belonging and concept as ourselves, that is how we find meaning - we can again look at our lives in innocence and with admiration and grace. Because we dare to take the step out to talk to the self, to forgive the self and make the self more acceptable and make the self more understandable and adaptable. When we find elements, pieces and fragments of our past, and put them together, forgive our polarizing and assumed attitude in relation to these pieces, to which every one of the lost pieces (!) has a belonging, then it is what we master we unite and we find meaning with our life. When the honest expression we learned as children where judged as stupid and sorry or ugly and crooked and wrong, when today we bring out these wounds, these traumas and forgive our oppression of these childish expressions these memories, that is to live. It is finding meaning in own garden of self. To breathe freely. We all carry trauma in one sense or another. It is when we do shadow work and bring out these stories from oblivion and forgive ourselves, that we can truly view our lives in truth and in confidence. We have a way to go, utopia is still on the way. It's us and it is now. It is not the intention of anyone to fight, starve, beg or compete. Because competition is a form of warfare. When we are stuck in our own garden, we have forgotten to seek and work with the self - to learn new words and redefine our words and our lives. There is much left to find and discover. I would say we are well on our way. Self realization and self mastery are essential for mankind. We are all going through a process and an awakening today. Be aware and be humble. People around you are all undergoing some form of healing for something they are not talking about. A bit from the trauma of oblivion, a mirror image to forgive. Muscles that contract in fear. We can no longer live in fear. We must forgive it too - and become free - in oneness and in equality. In the process of a heaven on earth, a utopia, as we all deep down wish for. A great place for everyone. It starts with me and it starts with you. Search inward in your intimacy. Let's change the collective system - the money system, because then masks will fall and a lot of fear and anxiety will disappear from our lives. A money system where we all get the same amount - equal value in system form. Then we must work with the self and find ourselves and all people - like ourselves – equal and one.

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Day 867 – father sky


I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the father figure and to curse the idea of a father like in comparing to mother – where I have come to fear the male – the father figure and the male – the lord – the “father-sky” idea and picture that is presented in religion that the almighty god is the father figure instead of grounding this to myself to simplify this relationship because within me this have gotten very complicated and disruptive.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the idea of a heavenly father.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my dad as the heavenly father, instead of realizing that is what I have to equalize to – because I have come to fear and hate the father figure / the lord so much so that in itself becomes my greatest challenge to equalize to.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the heavenly father because of the distance, the separation the inequality to the mother and the mother earth that gives me milk and most of the attention, love and care from when I was a baby and a child, that the relationship to the father or my dad is driven beyond and there was no explaining the depth and intricacies of father and mother hood and/or being a child and a human in the world, within this I take it to heart that nobody was taught properly this at all and that the reason, reality and self forgiveness solution behind this is not evident before today.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to build on the father sky mother earth idea to make the father about light and the mother about darkness – where I see that I am reacting to these stereotypes and characters because if not – this inner Babylon would not build itself – but is a result of a construct of reactions, emotions, suppression and my illness that I was to learn as separation between the elements and between the sexes.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself that I had not seen of completely embraced that the different sexes are consistent of the same physical values, from a male sperm and a female egg and that any human being is a result and a product of both the male and the female beings and that both sexes are represented as resonant designs within the one and equal human body.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to identify with either male or female, masculine, feminine personality traits and ways of being where I instead realize that I can define the traits within me that needs to be changed and that I react to – bring them to the “engineer table” for me to edit this about me- to give it names and words, symbols, paint flowers or give these traits of myself a definition and a clear stand where I can set free these suppression’s within me and give them life and purpose – except from mind’s imprisonment. So for instance I could find a trait within me that is about care – where I could name this inner – feminine trait for “my rose” lol… to build that life – to birth that life through writing like this here to sett free these suppression and denials that have been resting within me that want to blossom and come to life – equal and one.

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