Tormod's blogg

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Postby tormod » 08 Oct 2017, 12:38 ... -809-care/

Day 809 – CARE

3 parts on how I live the word “care”

How do I live care with me/to me.
How do I live care in my community/home, with my family, people and children around me.
How do I live the word care, globally.

How do I live care with/to me

To me, at this day, the word care is loaded with expression, with the traditionally female/motherly care, for a child or for any sickness and for a individual and being that needs attention and consideration. So when I look at care I might picture a nurse or my own mother. How me and my mother would go for walks, in my adulthood. In trustworthy conversations, walking nature with mom. Relating that I have had a heart of needing to talk to someone – carrying skizofrenia, luckily having a mom who could listen to my words. And that picture right there is of interest since we all, humans carry a mind, we are all walkers of mind. We are doomed , to live the cloned life of a mind and all that horror that goes with – carrying a mind. Like we are all in fact – very sick. We are equally carrying a mind, a box that from its programming governs us – so we are all equally responsible for all the hurt that takes place on earth since we are all equally carrying of our mind consciousness system. So for me to live the word care I would relate walks with a friend, walking nature through the rainy storms of mind. Deeper and more intimate I would recon I have learned to know myself and to care for me, by working my way through my mind layers and my programming, with the specific tool of self forgiveness. That is a very decent, real and honest way to not only embrace self and realize self – but to look behind the curtain and see myself as the physicality and flesh that I after all am – and to understand myself – from how I then see who I was behind the programming and the many deep layers of mind. That understanding of seeing myself and knowing who I was within energies, brainwashing/programming that healing witnessing and realizing is really to stand in proper self care. To learn self is self care. And then also for me to accept what I then – after this forgiving and realizing process is seeing and standing as – that is also a type of acceptance and self care. To be with myself. To walk with myself in self support.

If I walk with mum or I walk alone, it is pivotal to take my time, and not hurry but rather walk in my tempo, to do it properly. In self care. Within whatever I do. And with work like chores, doing dishes or washing the bathroom, it can be a act of self care. And ultimately it is a deep rooted point of self care. To occupy self with work and activity, to care enough for me, to see that yes, for me to do the dishes right now, is self support and care for me. For me to wash my toilet is care for who I am it is a point of self integrity and – care. It is care for the body I live in. For me to have something to do on a daily basis, is self care. Further to care for my physical body is very eminent and a cool way to learn its structure and care. Like there is care to massage my feet every night, there is care to be diligent and disciplined with brushing my teeth and also using floss every day. That is obviously the more delicate body care. I have for instance been massaging my feet every night for some years now. Every night I bring them to my lap and give them attention. I learn about me, I am intimate with me, I care and cuddle with me. Self love. With massaging my feet. From this I learn to know the structure from beneath where I walk. I touch the soft feet that carry many, many tons of body during a day. I get to cure and appreciate my feet from their place on my body. I find perhaps points and structure under my feet, that hurt or that give resonance. I can guarantee you that massaging feet every night will give you new light on who exactly you are and how your body operates. It is a prominent and humbling point to learn to know. This attention to my feet have brought more awareness about my standing. My expression, my construct of self. I am further aware that I have a left and a right body part and symbolic and structural and expressional design. The male and female principle.

Lately I have been doing yoga on a daily basis. That is also a physical care point. Care for the physical body. Joints and muscles. Again to be with myself to work with myself and give myself time. To stretch and feel that hey I am alive, I am not just a mind-zombie. I started doing yoga on a daily basis, after a meeting with the portal and then my mind, body and being in Brussels in spring of 2017. I was then asked to look into yoga and develop a relationship with it, so that was my reflection speaking back at me from the portal. Asking myself to develop yoga. I came back home, and I started to look into yoga on youtube, and I copied some moves and started practice it on a daily basis. Now I have to practice at least some stretching every day. Some basic moves on my feet or my upper body. Yoga is very delicate self care and it have given me lots and a deeper insight into myself. It have granted me access to communicate more freely with my body and I enjoy it a lot. From this type of care with where yoga in combination with many other types of care, would give me access to communicate more freely with my body and to listen to what it has to tell me. To be with my body. Here. My body is a living organism and it needs my attention and it must then be my care and chore to develop that intimacy and consideration, self love in any way that I can, to establish that safe and sound relationship with myself.

Also this very morning, interesting, waking up in some anxiety and quite some restlessness, I was very, very eager to continue writing this text lol. I wanted to write this and prove myself. I wanted to get it done and change my living. There was quite some competition, angst and stress on writing this experience. So then I have to slow down, breathe, calm down, many times over, and forgive the competing and emotions within. That is self care, proving itself right now. To take a breath, and move within, to slow down and not be in such a rush. To give myself time, self support, and to walk with myself.

Making my bed. I was looking at a video on facebook the other day. It was from the US military. And it was about starting to organize oneness life. To start do things in self support. And it was about the particular point of making oneness bed in the mornings that caught my attention. So that one can say that particular activity is done. So that activity is cared for, first thing in the morning, then one can slowly move onto to next achievement. So that one can from making oneness bed in the mornings, start to alter oneness life. Slowly but certain. To care about life and circumstances. In the small moments, to change myself into support into care in the small moments. To reconsider, to forgive, to change and be of support and care. To become better organized, from making oneness bed. You guessed right… I have started to make my bed lol. And it is already carrying fruits in how I relate to chores and work, and activities. I value the activity where I participate in. Keeping active prevents me from going into thoughts, and self judgment. I focus more when I have purpose, and have a far better grounding. All this from taking hints on how to care more for myself – by starting to make my own bed every morning.

I have also been under care many times in my adult years. I have been committed to mental hospital many times in my life. There I grew addicted to the care. I grew addicted to the warm shower, the clean bed, a decent meal. I was in and out of hospital numerous times. I just wanted to survive. Being there in the clean, sterile, warm and interesting environment I learned a thing of two about care. I would see deep into the eyes of people like me, in desperate need of someone caring. If someone did not care, then what ? Madness and all hell break loose ? Psychiatry is a particular thing. And I learned that quite a brutal way. Many of the people who I cared for are now gone, and that in itself have taught me to, appreciate life. To consider all sides of living. To be honest about who I am and my circumstances. To become responsible with myself. I have also tried to work with people with autism and handicap. I was at work for about a year on a care home, for some people with a variety of challenges. It surprises me today that I was able, then, to push through that work and to cope with it – me being skizofrenic. I guess I wanted to prove myself to me. And it worked. So I have definitely tested stuff out and from these experiences I can say to you don’t underestimate care. Everyone needs care.

So care… care about life ! To me that would mean on a deep level to breathe, to be with my breathe, to see myself to see into me what is my body communicating. I think that communication is perhaps the ultimate definition of care. To have a honest and real communication with care.

I just saw from my writing that the word “care” is very similar to “fear”. Just one letter difference. And that leaves us with the word ear…. lol… What can we “share” in the “ear” to “care”, that is not “fear” lol.

From walking my desteni i process and following the channels on eqafe and else, I learn about my mind, being and body relationship. And the many dimensions beyond that. I learn to appreciate my life and my beingness, I learn to become comfortable within my own body. I learn that it is sane to have a relationship to self. I learn that it is healthy to be aware of the relationship that I have with me. So how is my relationship with me ? It is evolving that I would say for certain. And indeed I am glad for this reminder that care is such a pivotal point to me and that I know goes for all in this life. We are all dependent on real genuine care. From we are small babies, until the day we die we are dependent on care. Even the most hard core military, needs to care at least for self. Anything else would be a lie.

Right now my body wants to go out running. I am going to let it very soon. Proving self care. So I was just running and doing a brief workout – where I ended with a shower. I can have a workout and a shower every day. That does not go for all of us humans. Soooo many millions of us go hungry, dirty, dying and sick. Obviously in lack of ?? Money… That is also a cool care point to care for life, and to hold that life principle, where one says that all life must be treated equally. That is then a point that I hold higher than me, a point of equality and oneness. That is self care also to me, to avoid ending up in fear and separation within self, but rather hold that point crystal clear that I am working everyday within that life principle of equality and oneness. The fact that I am aware of the life principles of equality and oneness is self care to me – all life and my own integrity.

I mentioned “relationship to self” and that might sound strange. But ever since I started to communicate with me, to talk with myself, ever since I would open my mouth in self talk and self communication, my world would alter. New arenas and discovery of mind and being (and body) would emerge. To be considerate with myself – as everyone else and my life process. Because get this, we are all simply one, as life we are all equals. As life we are all in its very core one. That is back to the point of equality and oneness. But also to notice that care for me is care for everyone – literally. Awareness and care for my body is care and consideration for all of us. Ultimately and definitely.

One last thing on self care is that every morning I embrace myself, I literally hug myself, and tell myself that I embrace all and everything that I will meet this very day. That is a awesome way to start my day. It lays a very safe and sound foundation for me to work, empower and achieve my day as I create it and evolve within it. When the night comes and I am laying in my bed, I go through my day, in spoken words to myself, and digest on what really happened to me that passing day. So there is a proper foundation of care, all through my day and doings. And that is part of my achievement from walking my desteni I process. Making my life matter.

So a interesting point within care and others around me, is that we are all one as life and also as humanity. So that care for me is equally care for others. Meaning when I experience disturbance and commotion, that is something I can address, forgive, change no matter where it comes from. Once I can live in self honesty and care to me, well if it is genuine and real, my relationships will tell. That will be my test. Like Jesus died on a cross, that suffering is equal to how we humans suffer within affecting us self with emotions and hurt. Jesus represents our very physical bodies. The way we treat is reflects our world – through the resonance of our bodies. So Jesus is the “way” through” how honoring our physical is the way. And from there honoring all life and everything around us. To not accept fear and separation of mind.

How do I live care in my community/home, with my family, people and children around me.

I live in a village. A type of community village with many other people. There are people here with mental issues and there are also children living here. Every day I go to eat together, several meals, with 2-3 other people, in the house where I live. Living together close is not always easy and it can rather be quite challenging at times. For me to care and consider myself and also the other, there are things that I do to be more cautious, and considerate. There is for instance, “Kari” who is a rather demanding lady lol… She has amongst other issues eating disorder. And she can also very easy throw a fist/go into psychosis/reaction, if her opinion is not considered. So it have taken me time to learn to handle and just be around Kari. I often think to myself that being around her is like walking on broken glass. I have to be sooo gentle and considerate. But we are all constructed inn rather complicated and intricate way and manners. We all have our pro and cons, and some simply have a tougher time. That is where proper care will show itself. Will I stand ? I mean humans have done and are doing sooo much atrocities and abuse against life and against the common good. This causes illness, depression and suffering beyond. And life throws/reflects this back in our faces for us individually to take charge and change the way of all humanity and life. So I share a common breakfast and meal together with Kari and mostly 2 other people. Now breakfast is not served by itself. It takes time to make tea and to get everything on the table. So that is a point for me to work on to add those extra 5 minutes to assist the other 3 people with preparing breakfast. It takes soooo little and it means so much at the start of the day. So I have in my time so far, triggered Kari and made here react. This have been something that I have worked on and that I am still working on to master. In particular I would need to focus on the word “embrace” when seeing her. To imagine me giving her a hug. That is some of my focus. To embrace Kari and not reject and make her react. To care for Kari by considering her situation. To unconditionally embrace her, within me. That have been a challenge but I see clearer, now that I need to be there for her, It is part of my process and it is simply not much to ask of me to embrace Kari, and to show her some care and consideration. That is teaching me about life and that is highly rewarding for me also. It makes me to see more deep within me to support myself with care and so others around me – can learn from how I act and from how I find solutions to “demanding” or fragile, people like Kari.

So Kari goes into my life book story of how can I learn to care ? Unconditionally ? It is more and more evident that I need to simply embrace and forgive within me, the difficulty that I experience of this lady. Kari is therefore my teacher of life. Kari is telling me when things are wrong and I have to face that within me. Even if I have made her something that I have worked on to prepare or achieve, to gift her, she can tear it down in seconds and turn my “empowerment” around, which would then would become sadness, anger (?) and disempowerment. But that just proves that the achievement that I initially did was not proof. My job was not done properly….. somehow it was able to be ruined which would mean lack within construction and design. Of my dinner, my lawn mowing, my dishes and so on. I humbly thank you “Kari” for the teachings you offer me in this life ! I will mind myself to embrace you unconditionally and lay behind the self judgment and the bitterness that have been brought up within me.

I have a good relationship to my parents. I often participate in gatherings and company/dinners with them together with my sisters and their children. My mom and dad have also taught me quite a few things about caring. Many times when I would be drinking and drugging, partying and addicting, my mom and dad would “dig” me up from the ditch I was in and provide for me. That care is deep and has made me – again humble and considerate to others. To see what they have seen, to stand in the shoes of the other. To realize that there is no judgment once I have walked in all the shoe and considered all sides. I often these days think to myself that I would like to, offer my assistance and help to care for my parents when they become older. I would think to myself that they are going to need someone to rely on and to care for them when they become older. I would project myself out as a assistant and helper, wanting to be the good son, the good person…lol… to my parents. I don’t need to assist them now, but maybe the time comes when they need me. This is something I try to talk to them about openly. I try to share with them openly and in consideration how I feel about things and what my thoughts are. So I would like to care for my parents simply because they have cared for me. And that idea or math, is something I have to work through. Now it is in my awareness. Maybe they would be best of with a care home, retirement home, when that time comes.

I do my best to open up points to my parents trying to show them my process, desteni, and that there is more to life. I can open up about reincarnation, inheritance – after they go, my testament, system structure of this world, about what is belief about Jesus and “God”, my process, thoughts etc. I do my best to open up to them and I show gratefulness and appreciation for how they still show me great care. The care I share with my parents is mutual and beneficial to all. I mind myself to not care for my parents in energies, to do it because of this or that reason or desire. I mind myself that it must be open, free, unconditional and down to earth. Without judgment. I have seen much of what they have seen, and I know them quite well. At least from what they represent today.

I am uncle of 9 children. They are still quite young but I mind myself to care for them. I ask about school and how they think of life. I try to challenge them and ask them the “right” questions. Like “If you where a teacher what would you teach” ? Or “can you think with the belly” , or “what is your mission on earth” ? So I try to challenge them and I try to be a caring and considerate uncle to them.

I make a point of treating everyone the same. Or making a point about just that. I listen as good as I can to their words during play or TV. And I mind myself to also include myself in the play. To say “yes” when they want me – to come play with them. So that is a again a humbling process to care for children. To care for self. Care proves to me to be a quite humbling experience. Interesting. Further I do my best to see children and to listen to them to see where they come from. To see if they struggle. I mind myself to be open and free with children – unconditionally.

Many of the people I would be around, are not any longer amongst my friends. Or someone I see regularly anyways. Recently I would bump into some of my old friends and they are very much the same they where 10 years ago. Obviously they know and are aware that life and this world is altering and changing, progressing and… processing. Though much of their mindset and patterns and addictions, are the same. This have lead me to many a discussion with them. Like talking about how there is a point of changing self, and that self forgiveness works. This would often lead me to just talking to a wall, and it feels quite frustrating. I see so clearly their potential and their process and how they could alter. It is right there, at the nose tip. And there are no wrong answers there are only wrong questions. So for me to be patient and persistent to keep proving myself as the “pudding”, and keep proving myself within the process I walk, to not give up and rather care more – but perhaps from a new angle…. from a new perspective, new common ground. I had a talk to a teacher a university about care role and the messy life style of people in psychiatry and that live with lots of addictions and very messy and dirty apartments. I have been visiting old friends and while doing so starting to do dishes and washing their place, in shame of how dirty it was. Thinking that it was care, but rather I needed to see that I felt shame from their dirt. – Anyways, I was talking to this teacher about how these people in these homes could or should learn to become better organized and structured, how they could learn to appreciate to clean and keep things tidy. And I failed to see that was me pushing my process. It was me trying to have others see my achievements. It was me not recognizing me and my living. I tried to talk and talk about the shame I felt from all these dirty apartments. Literally talking around myself. Not valuing and appreciating my achievements and my process enough. In vain of appreciating me and my process I would blame this shame within me making these people with their lifestyle of addictions the scapegoats. I would think I was caring but I was in fact blaming and hiding my shame. So during this talk to this teacher I see now that construct behind it and how it reflects back to me. That teacher knew better, and when I said maybe we should find ways to “force” better structure on these people, he easily dismissed it. So what I thought was care, was in fact blame and shame and not seeing me and appreciating me !

There is a girl, let’s call her “Sofie”. I had a interesting experience with her last night during a meeting. Now, Sofie comes from severe trauma, from her past. She had just the other night caused a scene with blaming and accusing other people to violate her. There was quite a commotion. Now, I talk rather directly to Sofie. I am honest and real and support as best as I can. I made it a point to myself, the other night, to meet her eyes, and look into her eyes, to be real, during our meeting. And I made it clear that since the commotion she had caused with blaming people of violations, I made a point about how important it is to include people and to properly care, especially in the toughest hour. I told this to the group, and indirectly pointing at Sofie. So I made a point that I would like to care more about Sofie, since she would accuse and blame others for violations. So I am a bit exited to see what Sofie will share with me – next time I see her. I am very satisfied with my process of care with Sofie. That part is going greatly. I often see that spark in her, that flame, and I think to myself; “can she see this herself, or is it hidden under her nose” ? One thing I have learned from life is that everything was always right here, at my nose tip. So that it is again not a matter of answer but rather a matter of the question asked.

I would like to open up more on caring and communicating with children. I see a potential there for myself on how I could, be more out there with talking to children and haring them out, Being with them in support. I recently met this young girl, she was like 9 or 10, and she was under care with a friend of my parents. Obviously she was coming from a home that was not supportive to her. (or her brother) Now I met here for like 1,5 hours at a museum. And I briefly talked to her about her drawings. She had this drawing book to make picture with her pencil. She was drawing more of less the same happy faces and people in her book. Something told me that she was making these drawings since she wanted her (parents) life to be more light, easy, fun, smooth, like the commercial, etc… positive is the wrong words I know. But that is what her drawing would tell me. I have met some children like this. Young children with, more of less troublesome past. And it strikes me to my core, how vulnerable they are. How dependant they are on adult – how fragile they are, and how messy adults are around these children, where the children don’t know what is reality. Where they end up with the same abusive life that their parents lived. That is to me a great question and challenge to investigate and face myself. My thoughts and reactions around these 4,5,6 year old boys and girls who is used to parents who drink, who live abusive lives, perhaps violence or sexual abuse. They have so many questions and unsettledness. And they have no real foundation. No real substance to call self even. That is something and a matter that I would like to challenge myself on further, to see where I can give of me, or change me to, to make these kid’s more visible. I will remind myself to ask myself – how can I assist these children or heal or change the abuse that is causing harm with these children. How can I assist myself to understand where they come from ? That is to me a great challenge, to face my thoughts/internal conversations, and patterns and habits. To realize myself as responsible for these neglected children. That is some of my most prominent part of process to walk and alter, I would imagine. This is also something that concerns me greatly within. I will humbly do my best to listen and see, where these children come from. And to consider their stories. That is where my pressure point is on care and relations, today, I would say!

How do I live the word care, globally.

I live the word “care” – globally, lol… very “intentionally” I see right now ! Like I would carry earth within me, within my heart and that “image” or resonance/detail of earth on my heart would simply “settle itself”, I would imagine or hold as intent. What I have not been living fully enough, is that my heart looooves exercise! My heart like “beating” and “pumping” – blood through my body. Where my body must then have plentiful of exercise. Meaning I must get my ass up and jog & work out ! That is me caring for the resonance of earth & hearth and I am quite persistent on that is how I am settled. Meaning once I carry my heart, earth within the … universe of me… then it is my full and complete responsibility to resonate with earth, and so my physical body. Today I see myself more and more as one with earth as my hearth… and I must know myself to slow down within this awareness. Further I am more and more expressing this and similar insight to others in particular on facebook. I use facebook, twitter, my blogs, and vlogs and many other types of social media to expose the mind, my skizofrenia, this world system, and all what lies within so, to share products from eqafe, articles from desteni and my insight and learning so. It is also part of how I care globally. Further I know, and see and hear, that life is in a process, a mission of itself, to equalize and unite all life into one. Equality and oneness. That making has being going on now for … quite some time ! And that trust or awareness is at the center of creation. That awareness is perhaps some of my deepest care, at least theoretically lol. To live equal and one is more of a challenge – though there is no excuse, I have ALL the tools to work this. It is only up to me to place things into action – again as myself as my resonance as my body my heart/earth. So for me to live “care” globally I would try to reach out to others to let them know my and life’s stand – of equality and oneness.

I further like to realize a few things about this globe/earth and that is that it is like star, or a mirror that within a instant reflects back at me whatever I represent. If I represent death or dying and perhaps fear so… that is what earth will reflect back at me, and eventually what life will serve me. So for me to clear out all the energies cause energies will knock me out. I can’t have one polarity without the other. Meaning; I can’t have the positive without also having the polarity the negative. Clue then is to embrace the negative. But look out for the fake positive high. Find grounding and forgiveness to settle all the depression and what not.

So the earth will reflect back at me whatever I represent. And that is for me to consider. And care about me and within caring for me, for real, I prove that I am caring for earth, the resonance so.

Care on a global level is both in the small or self and daily care, as well as standing as support and stable grounding to others and in community and social settings, to participate in groups, and activity to yes, create sustainable resonase and change on earth.

I have skizofrenia. I make it my thing to expose that as best as I can. I vlog and blog about my skizofrenia to a audience world vide. That is also part of how I care globally. What I find it that there is so much stigma and taboo and suppression about mental illness. There is even skizofrenia anonymous groups lol. So for me to care globally, is also to care for the people I know globally either it is people in Brazil or in South Africa, or In Australia or China, the people I know there are my network and they stand for a certain value to me and my possibility to reach out. Like my friend Mike says, your network is your nettworth. So that is interesting. I do my best to build a network of people to reach out with my message of equality and oneness. To share my tool of self forgiveness.

Care globally is also to talk to and sustain the relationship to people across the earth for instance on facebook. To comment, back up, support, and reply. Like a online talk/call that is ongoing, in social media.

I would also say that something I am currently discovering and that is body communication. To read my body. I understand the living organism that my body is. That way I can create and become my own “spokesperson” lol my body can express itself from its physical from sounds and resonance. My body can resonate to anyone – anything on this earth as we are all one and equal as life, and as human beings. My resonating through my body, is the way I see it – a form of ultimate conversation, or communication. When my body feels emotional, or uplifted or light, hard, cold, warm etc… it can communicate this to.. the rest of the world as we are all connected and we are all one in the sense of life substance. And that is as simple as it is hard to grasp because we as humans are not taught to communicate that way. We are all through words, speaking, writing, singing etc. But if we let our physical be the very leader here we have so much to come to create a better reality.

So me caring globally is a vide and deep and multi layered concept. But it boils down to my body, my self awareness and how I best can live the equality message. I would also like to start to engage in politics and in political parties. I do think it is a solution for a better world for us all, though I don’t know if the type of democracy we have now is suited for a future. The type of government we have today for sure is working against life. And that desperately needs to be changed, into the opposite – pro life. Equality and oneness. It is more and more certain to me what it will take to push this through. I see more and more clarity in this and that physical is key. Communication with physical is key.

Care globally is for me to pick up trash from the street. To ask of people to not use to much chemicals in food, soil and cloths etc. Care is to be precise and considerate with what money one has. I can go to a grosser store and care as I shop. This goes both for the grosser I shop but also to the payment and the money I send to the origin of that grosser.

When I have the starting point of carrying the earth within me, inn my body, I have a unique opportunity to create more support and structure to assist humanity and life. From that starting point of caring for earth, caring for life, within myself, I can start to build and create structure and design that go through earth, sight, and awareness, presence, into solutions, and support. I can build constructs, like words that can stand as concepts and design to support life. If I can take on me that “hat” of responsibility, and support, to create designs and structure, also words, that way I can structure life, words, awareness, and build a better reality. If I can live the word “care” within myself, as my original expression, sensible for everyone and all to hear this sound and for folks to realize the message, then yes that would say success – saving life lol.

I do get a little overwhelmed when I see that it is much a construction work to build this change. I used to be working construction and that work has be a bit exhausted to me and I have blamed it a bit in my process. That being said; I can see now more “clean cut” what is needed of me. Where I am needed in my process. where I am needed in life. This might sound strange but for me to be taken serious, and for me to live care, I need to be of usage. I need to use me and my potential. And to live the word care, to inn fact not change that word itself, but to rather change myself – as this word. Change me in relations to this word. That is where the fun and creation and is I would imagine !

For me to read news to watch news, and see what is taking place, in other parts of the world. How are we treating life and earth that are going to be taken over by our children one day. Care globally is to care for the children to come. To care for a worm, a bird, a dog. For the ecosystems that we need to bring back to origin. The tipping point here is money. And that to change the way we share our money is a critical point of change in human experience. That is something I do my best to share and spread awareness about. To create a better world we need to start with money. Eventually we would need to give it all equal – that is in the making and the best math to do. Living income guaranteed for all – is in such a manner – a way to get there. Basic income. survival secured for all. To care globally is to care locally and with self’s own body. Like I started with here, self care, to care for self, is no different than to care globally, we are all a extension of the other, and when I care for my body that is also to care for the earth, if there is no separation as such. If there is a equal and one relationship between me and earth – then care for me is care for it. As we are all one. Earth, waters, animals, humans, plants. It is all – not only connected – it is a wholesomeness, a oneness. And that is life – expressing, breathing, creating, morphing evolving and expanding.

I also support with the money where I can, where I find it has best effect, like to give some money to desteni, equal life, or to positive money UK, or to other types of development and life supportive initiatives.

When I was 25 I started a carrier in psychiatry. I was receiving care, for hours and hours, and for quite a lot of money to be honest. Quite a lot of nursing hours and money so, have gone into keeping me alive. Keeping me a float. And for that (norwegian) health care system I am utterly grateful.

I have benefitted from being born in norway, a rich country, to a life in very much abundance. So there lies a knowing and awareness inn that system build up and the fact that I can also give this further. I can pass this system/construct further to other countries and to other generations. To me that is also care.

I have been involved in lots of projects and programs concerning care and psychiatry. And I still am. All along those many lines and microphones and power point presentations, I can say that: start with self. Learn yourself. Care for self – in honesty, as you are equal and one to it all – as life origin. Work with that and you can achieve anything.

Care is a dare thing, care like the word is growing on me. I have been attaching to this word now for some hours. And within so redefined it to myself, and you, and live it to honor it, today.

Thank you

That is it for now

Give time to :

Care – you must care !

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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 03 Nov 2017, 16:30 ... -in-bloom/

Day 810 – in bloom

Recognizing myself as life through… change and persistent work.

I have lived a rather turbulent life, after my teens I was stuck in much addictions, mental illness, in the extreme of options, and often sabotaging myself and life for everyone else.

Since January 2012, when really starting to walk my desteni i process, of forgiving myself and starting to literally save myself. To heal and recover. It has now been more than 5 years of steady walking. And it is at the moment my job, now, to recognize in me, with me, the change that have taken place. To literally learn to know the new me.

You can say that now I have learned to live, learning to know my living organism, my body, the physical within self. Finding a reason to be able to (be) response – able. To learn to be self honest. This I have more or less incorporated into my living. Into making my life into support and to thrive as a living organism, as a being. This have taken me lots of work and dedication. Point now is to trust myself. To accept myself as all that I have been and all that makes me. To recognize what and how I already have managed to change as and with myself.

Today I live on my second year in a camphill village in south west norway. I have healthy food, clean water, roof over my head. Good friends, some real work, a network internationally of people who are dedicated to working within the same as me : to become whole and complete, physical, self honest, real, best for all, versions of the very self.

Life is now blooming for me…. in many of the words meaning. Life is complex and life is dear. It is the only on we get !

I greet you in oneness and equality – as life !

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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 03 Nov 2017, 16:31 ... abandoned/

Day 811 – abandoned

I was made aware of a specific point, from investigating myself and my past, together with a friend who helped me to ground the concepts, energies and memories from my childhood. I was made aware that I had lived with abandoning myself, what is called “abandoned child syndrome”, or worse “rotten child syndrome”.

I experienced some things growing up when I was a young boy, like 5 or 6 years old. Nothing overdramatic, seemingly, though relating to it, had a hard impact on me as I would deny these memories from within, I would suppress it and deny it having happened. It could be very innocent things looking back at it today, though at the time I would feel great shame for what had taken place.

I would fear to have people know about what happened to me. Again: the memories in itself is not important as of details, only that it happened and that later I would feel great stress and shame from it have occurred.

So later after starting school – when I was like 7 or 8 years old and further, I would fear to have people know about these memories and event. So I would deny that they had existed. I would suppress them with all my strength and within so, abandon myself. I created within my own experience – the abandoned child syndrome onto myself. Because that part of me that was alive in that memory of innocent child play, was being ignored and not fertilized, loved, appreciated, lived and cared for – by me. So I was abandoning myself, further into my teens and my 20’s with addictions and escaping. I was not made aware of this self inflicted tragedy, before after I was past 30. I was given this awareness from communicating with and through the many channels at

I would fear sooooo bad that people where to know what had happened to me, that I would deny that it had ever even happened – also to myself. Creating ground for metaphysic’s and energies, escaping, drugs and sabotage within me, cause the memory was still there, only in a shape that I could not recognize, though it will still be with me, like cinder in the dark, creating havoc and consequences in my living – until I can work through it – forgive it and let it go.

This self forgiveness in just a small part of what I have walked on this point on abandoning self from childhood years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself as a young child, when I would fear to have people at school to know about my innocent play, where I would later, ignore and deny and suppress the stories, and literally abandon myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject, hate and fear myself as a child growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause conflict at school and at home from this denial of my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this point of abandonment and denial of me, rule me and cause consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame my parents for they not seeing this happening in me, and for projecting blame at people around me for not picking me up, we were all so blind by the sins of the fathers/or programs running us in loops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to pick up “the tune”, from when I was 5-6 year old and to express that life that have been treated so badly, where I must use common sense and sort out my mind and live and express in the sameness as all of me and the composition of my body the whole of me.

Within this I commit myself to embrace all of me – the totality of me and to do what I can to include me to myself – in my living – self honest, here, whole in the physical.

The point of abandoning is recently mentioned in atlanteans series at here are the first interviews from that dimension

Enjoy: ... s-part-479 ... s-part-480

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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 12 Nov 2017, 20:46 ... 12-taught/

Day 812 – taught

Or how the people we find the most challenging are in fact the very ones to be our greatest teachers.

I live in a village. I live with about 25 other people together on a farm and we are all different and unique beings with different past and programming.

For me in the beginning It was tough and hard to face the people that I would characterize as difficult. I would feel reactive and emotional around them, thinking “damn, what is her deal” or “why can’t he just be normal”. Or just irritated and upset about how certain people behave.

A important thing to realize here is that all the confusion and reactions, anger, fear or emotion that comes up in me, when people are difficult, is because of me. I am the keeper of the reactions and the anger and programs of mind, not them. The anger or reactions come from within me, and is triggered on how I experience this other being. It is my experience. In other words, they can’t bring up emotions within me. That is totally within my own experience and so responsibility.

I have learned to approach these people with a new “tool” – and that is complete and full embracing of who they are as beings – and also to thank them, for who they are and for what they show me – about myself. I would sit during dinners and imagine that I fully and unconditionally embrace that person. I live the word “embrace” when with those people. I would sound “thank you” within myself in consideration to their expression, manners and living – again – for what they show me of myself. Now this was not easy for me to see or live and realize, it was times where I felt so “abused” by the others behaviors lol and I felt like giving up !

But consistent and persistence diligence living the word “embrace” without a second thought, would make a path for me to see that not only did I see changes in me how I could learn patience and care, consideration and compassion, but they would also change and become “easier” to work with. It is like the situation would heal.

So; it is to do against others the way that I would like to be treated. Place myself in their shoes. Imagine the lives and the programming of mind that they represent.

This is a deep rooted skill to practice and learn to utilize and use to anyone that experiences difficult and challenging situations. It is about learning and understanding to be humble; that the most challenging people and experiences we go through, are our greatest teachers to learn from in life.

So to live the word “embrace” and imagine myself to embrace the person that is difficult. And also I find it convenient to thank them, also within myself as a thank you to the teacher that they are to me.

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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 25 Nov 2017, 14:03 ... -and-cold/

Day 813 – Who are we within our flue and cold ?

With relating to the cold, flue and viruses that can strike us out. Who are we in such relations ? Is it not important who I am in relations to the flue ? I mean what are my honest thoughts about the flue when I am not having it ? And what are my thoughts when having it ? Is my body longing for the “break” of having a flue with just spending mushy time in my bed ? Do I actually long for a day of break from work/school ? Can that attract flue to me from how I want it and need it ? What is it that the flue does to our overall experience ?

I look at myself in these questions and I do relate to the spending mushy time in bed with just relaxing experience, that is something I would desire and for me to experience – from time to time. So in that way I have a attraction to the sickness experience…. fascinating huh ?

Our body is communicating with us all the time. And a flue is one of those ways, for our body to tell us and direct us. To literally upgrade us, in the common experience of being human. That in itself is highly interesting and may cause a attraction in itself – to have that upgrading and realizing experience.

I will release some points within me with the tool of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need the flue and to have a cold simply because of longing for staying in bed all day and just being intimate with me sleeping staying warm and relaxed, and that I would long for this relaxing experience from how I in general stress and move to fast in my normal day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to not have a flue every so often simply because I would long for the message, the realization and upgrading my body would give me, from me taking on a flue/cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think positive or negative about the flue but rather, take caution and touch in on the upgrading that is taking place in the total mass of humanity in equality and oneness, from the flue in the village where I live, in the community in the world and to see, and read what mind systems, what sounds and physical effects and upgrades is taking place, study it, and realize so.

Here are some interviews about the flue : deeply recommend to check them out: ... m-physical ... m-physical

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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 25 Nov 2017, 14:07 ... onfidence/

Day 814 – the DANCE within CONFIDENCE

Doubt and insecurity have been a part of me for a long time. It have often been a sneaking undercurrent of my everyday living. Subtly and like sinking sand, making life difficult in the most meticulous ways. All from my own (accepted and allowed) programming of mind.

There is this quote I keep falling back to, and it is presented like it is from Nietzsche that goes; “Just doubt it” – in comparing to Nikes: “Just do it” – kind a funny, like gallows humor, like to let the depression and sorrow to win one over.

*This is just a glimpse into the total process that I am walking through these emotions.

To just resign sort of. Which have been a common factor of today. We sort of give up. Drug addiction is common to that experience.

Growing up skizofrenic and spending lots of time on addictions and suppression of me, made me later doubt myself and my ability, to this very day. Like thinking common sensical about doing something, like baking or driving a new car model, where I would think initially this is fine I know this, and then at the same time there sneaks in a doubtful thought and a questioning of myself trust. Shaking my up ground.

Like taking on a new skill and a new chore, where common senisicaly I know it and there is no reason to fear it. Still there sneaks in this half thought, like doubt into me, and flip over my game lol… and so I face trouble and my chore becomes hard and difficult – learning the hard way.

Well this is about giving up on the actual giving up lol… To redefine and live the solution.
What words can be lived instead of doubt and insecurity ? Confidence, self trust, safety, solidity, stability. So that is where I would like to sail inn and dock my ship lol. Into the living of those words.

So doubt is like a slow dying, sinking sand, you could say, neglecting, ignorance, abuse, addiction, suppression, limiting believes and such (…) would possibly lead to insecurity, fear, and doubt.

Looking at the word confidence, it says almost “dance” within it, and I see that there is a memory of me learning to dance from my sister – a point I will open up in this context.
So… this is my process and I will work on what I can and know to get through this and to do that I use self forgiveness. Because I want to live confidence and self trust, security and stability. We all do…

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the polarity of confidence and to think that I can’t measure and I can’t manage the play/dance of my confidence, I must polarize my confidence and bring myself down and into doubt, for not sustaining my confidence/dance/play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make confidence and doubt a energy/polarity play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the word confidence as I fear to be judged for my dance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself within my subconscious memory where me and my sister is dancing and expressing our self, in front of a mirror, where I fear to show this memory to people and I feel like hiding this like a secret within my subconscious mind thinking my dance is private.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, as sinful or obscure, obsessed with sex, because of the daring dance moves I learned from my sister – realizing this is all stored within my definition of “confidence”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fail at my comfortable dance/act and I fail at being confident, and that I fail at my dance, from my crystallized memories of my past, where I make this absolute thing and believe about dances, to be between sexes: him and her from the discotheque when I was young.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dances, like “come – fine – dances”, to be only between sexes, and within that, to make myself inferior in compare to other boys about girls and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with false believes and backchats where I tell myself that “I am not worthy”, “This is out of my league”, “I simply can’t pull my own weight” very sneaking and subtle voices in my head to bring myself down, from confidence, and into self doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to level with self doubt and to think that this is how my life should be, this is me, I am full of doubt, I should just be in doubt, making it into a punishment of old mistakes, and inferiorizing of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to that of others where I see confidence in them, and then go into comparing me to them.

Self commitment:

I commit myself to keep stable within breathing and living as the physical. I commit myself to honor that dance of confidence, to be playish and intrigued, to be interested in me. To give myself time, to introspect me and devote time and energy to myself and make my life 1-st priority so I can be a good example and guide for others.

I commit myself to investigate my definition of dancing and expression such, where I commit myself to find solutions to come-find dance(s), to add to my living and my expression and to be more alive.

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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 30 Nov 2018, 18:33 ... structure/

Day 815 – Structure

Back to structure

Back to writing

My early on programming, culture, MTV and upbringing as such; would lead my schizophrenic mind(s) and myself lol, onto a path of uproar, revolt and sabotage of the system(s) and what I found of structure representing the system – in my surroundings. Chaos, internal war, addictions and the extreme of culture, a deep rooted separation from life, dignity and responsibility, would be my brands my impulse and my drive. I was in fear and opposition to what was of structure. That was how I communicated. Such where my accords. That was the MTV life style that fucked me over like any old Kurt Cobain – story.

Then I discovered desteni. This was in 2009/2010.

Desteni (a group of people dedicated to save life !) showed to me something of a purpose, a meaning, and truly genuine so, a self honesty that was not seen to man before.

From there I started to walk my process, really getting into it in spring 2012, going deeper into my mind layers and programming such – from learning to write mind constructs and learning to work with self forgiveness. To correct myself, to change myself, end my addictions, and become a better version that I found within myself was something I could be.

This has since then been the process that I walk to unify myself with myself. To take back the abandoned, lost and forgotten separated qualities of me, to unify me with myself. To discover myself all over again. To find depth and self honesty so eternally rich and in bloom, all as a discovery of my own physical as the heaven within (so without).

This earlier searching, and my parents love and care for me, helped me back to sanity – from my last addiction trip, in central Europe winter 2011/2012. In spring of 2012, I started to get back to medications that I needed. I moved into my parents basement, and I went into a sort of monk hibernation and experience. After some 4 years of recovery, working on myself, I had changed my addictions to such of more support. I had started to jog, I started to swim, to write, to make videos about how I experienced my process and my schizophrenia, I got back my drivers license, I found new friends. I healed old wounds. I payed back debt. I forgave myself. I forgave others – as myself. I changed.

Change takes time and so does healing of old wounds, but the point is that I had started to alter my ways. I had seen what monster I had become, how I had let my mind/programs play me for a fool. So this was me now going back to heal, to recover and to recreate my life. To unlearn, and embrace the old me and unconditionally forgive it, and stand to create something new – in support of life/the physical.

I July 2016, I moved into a Camphill Village. That was one of the smartest thing I have done so far !

So thanks to desteni I am now a new being. Or shall I say a being that is being discovered. Me discovering myself. It was always there – I had only suppressed and denied it to exist. No more. Be free Tormod, genuine and real !

So from my “Tormodic spring” of 2012; I was to settle some storms within me. I had lived a chaotic life since school start literally. I grew up in Norway in the 80’s mostly, and one thing is crystal clear about that crux in oil rich Norway, school was living hell. School was not in particular harder for me than for anyone else, but I recon I am able to see today clear into the dimension and history on my school years and I think to myself that those (primary 9) years was 9 years of slow, slow, burning hell.

The anxiety I learned from school (competing, bullying, abuse, neglect, ignorance, fear) I had to take out elsewhere, I had to “ventile” it out. I had to let out my angst. And that was how I grew more and more into the uproar, vandalism and sabotage of society. So school basically taught me to feel angst to hate and to fear, to be hard and to be a bully. Again though, nothing more have taught and directed me more in life than anxiety. Let’s just say it’s been some pretty tough times.

So for me in 2012, being able to look back at my life with clarity and insight, I can clearly see this example of what school really taught me. It is no secret.

It took a while but even today I am learning to embrace the word “structure”

For me to forgive the the teachers and my parents, but most importantly and profoundly to forgive myself within it, for how I had allowed the programs/abuse run crazy in my mind/life. I am learning today to use my mind and not let it take use of me.

So for me structure can be something as simple as a shower, or a folding of clothes, cleaning of bathroom. Preparing breakfast. Doing dishes. Reading a book. To monitor my activities/physical workouts. Writing a blog. As well as to keep a close contact with my physical, to keep myself grounded, and in my body, and not lost in some projection of my mind. To work on my relationships in my surrounding – where I am at and not my relations to some distant demi-god or illuminati “thing” – of mind.

For me today I am loving to connect with structure, I am more or less eager to take on ideas of making my everyday better organized, structured and clear. To gain that overview from self.

You see there is a 360 flip right there. I was in sabotage of life and systems. Today I am taking charge of these systems, responsibility, self honesty, with and as myself. I am making me the authority of my systems and they are my relations to my surroundings. That is how “easy”, yet impossible I have come to make my world. So with self honest perspective and clarity of mind, I take on new challenges in the name of structure and self investigation. I want to learn more about what I can become in this life. I would like to live till I am over 100 years on this mother earth – I want to create unite and embrace all of life – as it is a part of me.

So I have come to embrace being structured, organized and clear. To always plan, prepare and prevent. It is a humbling experience.

It’s perhaps baffling to get a grip on the “how” but this is a snippet of the way I have turned my life story around, 360 – flip side lol, newborn Tormod getting structured and organized in Camphill !

some videos of mine :

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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 30 Nov 2018, 18:34 ... -feminine/

Day 816 – feminine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word and dimension of “feminine” to be something about girls and the female, connecting the word to that of body features, the period (menstrue-hate) dresses, colures, numbers, features, opinions, things, and as well as other words and dimensions that are from our world (cult- hour-e/culture) a part of how we see and make difference of male and female – when they are in fact BOTH (male/female) qualities within each and every one of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word “feminine”, and then also to not care for or consider myself, the parts of me that is part of the feminine expression/my left side of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the word “heroine”, to mean both to discover and see/use/medicate to see the very cure for ones emotions/memories/trauma, AND looking at the girl/lady/mother as the savior and rescuer of it all, and thinking “naah, I am not a girl so that (this life) is not for me” – making a clear divide within me of energy polarizing between left and right : female and male qualities – making the quest for heroine (drug) something I would crave, instead of simply looking at nurturing my own female, heroine/hero, expression/femininity within me – and dare to live me!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the feminine is deeper, and it has a more consistent, more powerful, drive and flow to it, in compare to the masculine, and for thinking since that is the matter; I give up and rather sabotage the unity/oneness and responsibility within nurturing and caring for BOTH qualities within and as myself (my body/being/self) – but instead reacting in fear of the feminine and “giving up” on myself for the simple fact that I have a penis and not a vagina.

Within this I commit myself to nurture and care to work for BOTH feminine and masculine expressions/structure within me, to redefine energies/words/dimensions that are present but not of support – to flip them over – like concern can become passion, and worry can become intelligence – IF I put in the work to forgive, change and understand it, and alter my ways and my relationship to my left and right side of me, the expression = feminine and the structure = masculine – they are both part of who I am.

some interviews of support / diving deep : ... s-part-618 ... s-part-619

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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 30 Nov 2018, 18:35 ... r-complex/

Day 817 – Plato’s Allegory of the Cave vs. the Savior Character/Savior Complex

Plato’s Allegory of the Cave vs. the Savior Character / Savior Complex

So If you don’t know the Allegory of the Cave by Plato – I suggest to take some time to investigate it and understand it before reading this.

(There are several cool (and short) videos on youtube about this fine theory)

This is me looking at who I am I relation to the Cave theory by Plato – and how I (then) play my savior character /savior complex.

Savior character is typically a character/personality (of self) that want to save other people.

So if you know the cave theory you would know how the savior character is a part of that, and that it’s not supportive at all – to be a savior within such a deal.

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it’s my job to save anyone else from their own misery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall down and obey the savior character within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise the savior character – as myself – within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship the savior character – within and as a personality of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like honoring the savior character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program my own being and body to chose and apply/like the/my savior character/complex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the/my savior character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make process about others and how I can save them/fish them out of their hell, and make them see my reality/light – when they must find this out for themselves – I can only share snippets and parts and hints here and there – to not pressure people or “save” people, but rather let them see the reality for themselves – and so my living application/solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself trying to save people from their own fears/shadows like the Cave Allegory from Plato lets us know, that it’s not easy for people to see the truth and that might be a delicate and risky business, all in all to be such a savior/prophet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as this savior character within the Cave Allegory of Plato, and to think that I have to save and untie/unlock people from their chains and free them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for believing that it is my job to work on myself – equal to that of anyone else to try to free them from their past/programs/emotions as we are all equal and one – which is a interesting take – still I am me and other people are themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling like I am dying to save people – like the Allegory from Plato tells us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to not save people from their chains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior since I understand the Cave Allegory by Plato – where that is a trap that I make and I soon find myself inferior and in need to correct myself and by correcting – my programming tells me to save others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to not “have to” save others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like to save others is a deep, deep issue with me, and again like we know from the Allegory of the cave by Plato, people must find out for themselves how to live.

Self commitment :

I commit myself to drop the savior character and be and express me !

I commit myself to live words like : relax, easy, gentle, focus, clear, calm, when I feel like going back into the cave “to save people” – rather I must resonate and live my solutions and be a gentle guide/assistant.

I commit myself to break the spell of me having to be a savior character.

I commit myself to ground the savior character and to bring that focus/energy back at self – and my process, and my living application.

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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 30 Nov 2018, 18:36 ... rlessness/

Day 818 – powerlessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger at life/everything/self and I do so because I fear to face my deep, deep down powerlessness and inferiority and feeling little and below, lost and scared, like a freak lost… and I don’t like to feel like a lost freak – so my mind uses different energy/moments and components to build up a anger/rage within me, to make my mind feel more alive and more vital, it gives my mind a boost but it makes me/myself within it more scared and lonely than before because the anger outburst and the boosting of mind greatens/makes larger the divide/separation between my body, my being and my mind – making me and life suffer – for not really taking on looking at that dimension of powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face my deep down powerlessness as I fear to not have anything there to do, where I fail to realize that I can’t do much about the power itself – it’s the content – who I am within it – that matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not seeing before today, in clarity, in perspective, how I need to practice to not go into anger/reactions/blame but rather face my powerlessness/my depth my sorrow, head on, face it, forgive it and let it go – again – it’s who I am within facing my powerlessness that matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out this idea/picture of me all confident and seemingly strong guy – where that is but a shell/cover/secret mind/projection – that I use to hide my insecurities and fears/lesser than/low, that boils underneath and makes me feel like a failure because my facade / my shell is cracking up and I am falling down, and hurting myself from my stand of being confident/almost cocky – into a depth of hurt and lonely/powerless, because deep down we are all insecure and more or less lost and/or sick/deprived from our minds, programming and our culture/inherent.

Within this I will know myself (!) to balance myself to a common sense life/practice/application to not fall for the illusion of depression or… other typical stereotype emotional burden – rather take a deep breath, chin up, find solutions that really work – practice it again – learn it/understand it – and not give up on self!

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