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Post by tormod » ... e-of-self/

Day 853 – love of self

This is a continuation from: Day 852 – Making self love real

Self love is also not only outer living – outer living is a part of it – but the inner – physical being and awareness of self is the starting point of what I do. So it is to look in the mirror and be satisfied – be proud of what have been walked. To look in those eyes and smile, giggle even, because I have come to learn – that I can bring anything – here – and that I can forgive – anything and equalize to it – embrace myself – love myself equally as I can embrace & love anyone else, as me. Because deep down we are all equal and one – its only out expression that will differ. So I am discovering self love, and its humbling. I can embrace me – and thank me – to be grateful for me walking in forgiving self support of me. That is of living self forgiveness and part of my self love. I have walked and stood by my side through all kinds of mad storms – hell and high water, it has been tough – fail me not! But I am still here – standing by myself – by life – in self support – in self love – in self forgiveness. There is no other way. Self forgiveness is the ultimate key to find true self love as physical practical self awareness.

From forgiving my way through mind programs and systems – that have limited me into lesser than – from mind programs – non reality – from forgiving these systems and programs in great detail, I learn to stand up as the physical practical reality of me – to be proud of what I have walked and changed as myself – into a better functional responsible me. This process of forgiving myself into a solid me – to leave the fiction of mind – leads me into self gratitude and ultimatly self love.

-I can look in the mirror and be proud and glad of what I see. I can bring anything here – into me – to equalize to it and find within that – I can live what is best and make way for others to learn from my example.

I can live self love – because I take absolute responsibility – through self forgiveness and that over time I learn to know me, to appreciate me – to love me

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Post by tormod » ... nd-sanity/

Day 854 – Depth, intimacy and sanity

A short story of my life. It is me who is living in this body. I was tonight, a rather hasty but also very much enjoyable and at times very easy going friday afternoon, enjoying the deep sea from a link from a friend on facebook.

As I was scrolling through the post and at all the time keeping my cool, I thought to myself what a remarkable experience of the depth in my chest. Depth in my chest. Equal to the page I was looking at. A newness, a silence, a sounding and affirming respect and intimacy within me.

I was reminded of life. Of my own look at myself in the mirror. I have since the last week, made it my goal and sincere ambition to. talk. to. myself. every. time. I. see. myself. in. the. mirror.

That is mostly after I visit the toilet. That toilet water that eventually run out in the ocean while the ever material is used as fertilizer. But this post is about depth and sanity, and a little about intimacy. It is all connected and there is technical homeopathy in every drop. That is the most and the core information I know about that specific chapter of my every day visits – I swear to dogs that it is the most of my knowledge about that taking place, and that more knowledge and awareness and perhaps even phone calls and searching online to the local sewage service company of other theories and information, could be added to my response ability on this specific field.

After these very fast and compressed details of my awareness, circumstances and comfort, I can then see the person I love and adore to my death.


I lift my chest case to the picture of the dude, and start to gently but in a very charming way to giggle, I say something like; “Well, hello charm-face”, I might continue with something like, “You know you are the man” and similar affirmations to suit the comfort and living application of and into me. It does not take long time. I just see that charming fella and I say my honest gay appreciation of that face and circumstance.

I have been doing this for a week. One fucking week. I can with the depth of my chest and tail bone connected – present to you that it is the best drug anyone could every serve self. I have been tapping into some debt of myself, in between these mirages that appear like the purest grace ever to me dealt with. That being said I have been working for 8 years straight, with some, like myself, first amateurs that have since the last decade and so, through trial and error become experts of self. Experts of self. Nothing less. The real deal of why we are here in this arabraxas and complex, consequence and horror of self and our collective living on earth as the human that we say we are.

I look out the window tonight, after the loveliest supper that is in humbleness is served with bread and fish and Jesus, and I see the darkness and the rain outside. And I sink into that within and without. Within I sink in my chest, an affirming and really comfortable sinking that also goes outwards into my breast muscle and specifically my nipples. My tailbone and my buttocks. Because it is me. Because I am worthy of my own gratitude – my own praise – worthy of genuinely feeling myself. Because I allow myself to sink into myself – equally to sinking thousands of meters down, down, into the abyss of the sea where there is zero light and a pressing quiet and a finding of self that I do not yet know of. There I see on that link from my friend, into the sea, I see into me: a intimacy, I see into me myself and my integrity and my core of self. My heart in the rain. I see that I am part of everything and that I am everywhere and equally responsible for all and everything that takes place – from my physical body – the only thing we know is real.

I see that everything, every thing, has a breathing to it, sort of like everything is moving, like Greta Thunberg says there is change coming and it is not reversable, there is nothing none can do to stop the changes that we have been taking on and that we are living and that are here: presenting.

I see Neo in matrix, that there is nothing else other then oneness and equality as life. And that everything in separation of that life, is from fear and is based on ego. I find that fear and that ego of self and I forgive it – to be able to understand it, and that is what we destonians do – we change self as the problem: to be the living change of the world.

Depth, can add a lot to one’s process and perhaps also a healthy curiosity. To me it brings clarity, focus, centeredness, oneness, sanity and intimacy. I am truly grateful and humble for being in this body and for the process for me to walk.

There is a time for everything and for me this time affirmations in the bathroom mirror is a tool that I take with me further for the time being. I am humbled and baffled by my genuine and honest approach to this. Let’s see what we can do to bring some more of that change.

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Post by tormod » ... thematics/

Day 855 – self worth mathematics

A thing about me, that I would like to make very clear, like “Chumbawamba” would sing it in 1997, is that I often find myself low, in emotion, in lesser then, ostracized, as an outsider – when meeting and working with people, where I would need to express myself, to participate, I would be expected to express myself, and in these moments I would as a common denominator start the expression of me – by me being inferior. I would start down low in emotion. This stemming from a pattern in my childhood of how my expression was not seen or valued – I would then as a child start to judge my expression and slowly poison and abandon myself and the part of me that still was this innocent expression – so I would then poison and abandon a part of my expression – a part of me.

So… in most situations, I find myself in lesser then, and I have made it my thing, like I know it is to millions out there – to then seek approval and acceptance from other people. I would look at them and seek permission and acceptance and allowance for me to feel good about myself. For me to feel self-worth and self-appreciation. I would look at the other person, and then imagine that I can allow myself to feel love, worth and appreciation – from them accepting me – needing the others imagined grant. I think to myself that I need to feel appreciation and self-worth only in my perceived and imagined acceptance and approval form the other.

It is quite the fuckup, agree?!!

Like I need to feel self-worth – depending on the other. There is nothing wrong with being loved or accepted and appreciated by others – but I sure would like for us to see the basic common sense in that this state of being must come from within the physical being of self. If not, it would not exist at all. Again – the mind is a smart trap to make life difficult.

So, I take it on myself to start to live more the words “self-worth”, and “self-love”, because I deserve it and because I need to be able to express this on my own, no matter what I think and believe others might think or perceive of me.
So again, a reminder to live the words self-worth and self-love from the physical within me – because what I think or imagine that other see me as – is nothing but mind games, and in that I stand inferior. So, time to stand up and be of physical self-worth and self-awareness.

Some self-forgiveness to go:

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need another person to be able to stand on my own.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to poison and abandon a part of me from me, where I would abandon myself from my own self-expression, and start to reject myself as this childlike expression.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject and judge this particular childlike expression – that is still me.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must first lower myself and pity myself, judge myself to then seek approval and seek permission to be worthy and to feel loved – from how I experience myself in imagined relation to another where I feel I must have their permission to be.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way for me to be – is to crumble myself down down into the abyss of me – to find myself crippled and scared and hurt, for me then to seek approval from others to stand up, to rise and shine, to seek approval from others for me to feel loved and to feel appreciated.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the resistance and the noise – reaction within my mind when I think that I have to be the low down dirty schizophrenic and that I am an outcast and that is how that is – where I feel like I need to seek approval and acceptance from others to be valued and loved. I would need others energy/feeling for me to then sense and feel that ok now I can love myself, now I can appreciate myself, now I can feel worth – because such is granted to me, from my imagination, of the other person.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dependant on another to seek approval of being me – to be able to have a life and to be worthy in my own flesh and being.

I commit myself to live self-worth in the real time moments when working with others.

I commit myself to strengthen my stand as self-support to be real as the physical being of me to give myself that honnor and self-worth.

I commit myself to find myself as that poisoned and abandoned kid and to embrace that kid as myself unconditional and to love that part of me – my innocence and my physical – to give life to life. That is true self forgiveness and true self-worth.

Investigate: desteni

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Post by tormod » ... king-self/

Day 856 – snippet of unpacking self


Hi Tormod ! How are you doing?

Oh…. doing mostly ok. There are some points that “itch” me but I am working on it

Ok can you unpack that a little bit?


So, I think like; since there still is issues in our world – that means that there is still (supposed) to be points of humanity and me to walk – to forgive within self.

And I ponder in this “supposedness”:

who came first: the chicken or the egg? (problem/solution or the solution/problem)

And I am equally reminded by an old Giger picture I would like (yes, the artist H.R. Giger) AND also: “Heavens Journey to Life” – blog – that the chicken and the egg came….

at the SAME TIME – it was and is like time stood still in that moment – they came at the same time – here lol!

So, this makes me ponder some more

and brings me to realize some dimensions of HOW to bring all that which is “bad” about the world – back to self – to equalize and end my reactions to it – because it is my reacting to it – that keeps it there, my suppression, judging, blaming, fearing, assuming, projecting, hating, desiring, hoping, loving…(my feeling, emotions, thoughts & systems of mind) that I hold to a certain dimension and that keeps the world there…. at status Q.

So, I need to bring the reaction/noise/tension of it back to self

I can recommend to check out “Reptilian” # 340 and at least further to # 345 – they deal with some issues about this and about leadership. ... s-part-340

when I say bring it back to self – I mean with self-forgiveness and realization/understanding

awesome short play here T – man


You will see in self-honesty the pattern within self that needs to be worked: I can recommend pen & paper to see like example: STARVATION

So how do I, Tormod, (who is well fed most any time) relate to STARVATION – that I see in the news ?


How do I live/practice starvation: within myself?

Like do I starve my artistic side? Do I give my creation of pictured art (of what I usually enjoy lots) enough room?

Am I allowing my mind and its system to exploit and starve my physical body – my own resources?

Or am I starving the pictured artist/creativity in me? What are the blocks that are keeping me back from expressing with arts?

Or why do I allow my mind to exploit my physical – through desires, love, hate, fear etc.

Such can the dimension of STARVATION of self be viewed – if there is energies and systems running in this : forgive it – realize self as the solution – check self and understand who you are within it, and WRITE A BLOG ABOUT WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH – THE WHOLE STORY – SO THAT OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM YOU !!

That is how we change the world – from within self: one by one. Show others what you have been showed.

Look within – breathe – there is nothing but solutions.


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Post by tormod » ... am-design/

Day 857 – I am design

Repeating for the record here a pattern that I am living again.

I would write about this point also here: Day 855 – self worth mathematics

I have this part of me – a guilt tripping from viewing myself as «a bad person». that: «I am a bad guy». «I am a evil man». That I don’t deserve a good life. self judging in fool bloom. Such seemingly innocent butterfly : THOUGHTS – have been allowed access within my mind & my being – to greatly limit my expression if I may say.

Such small mind – chatter (!!) have been going on within me – and creating my reality …. Again seemingly innocent thoughts (butterfly thoughts) that are far from innocent. They would occupy my mind,and over time create havoc. I know the main source of this thought pattern, of thinking “I am evil” and “I am bad” is from childhood and me NOT BEING SEEN and recognized, for my expression by adults. This have made my path often very difficult and troublesome, like the issues I have come to face. I did learn then as a young child to judge and poison this expression of mine, because that is what I learned to do from the adults. My expression was perhaps controversial and that if often how children express. We still need to recognize it as a self expression, and learn to deal with it – show the child how to handle such a expression, and be careful not to judge it or ignore it

Important for me to say : I blame no one. I do not blame or judge my parents – they only lived what they where taught themselves – from their parents. We are all equally in this together. But I am glad for the desteni support here – to start to release myself from the shackles of self judgement – and being «bad». This may not be easy for all to understand : but simple thoughts can build up walls of beLIEves and whopsi: words & action are manifested – as that which is bad, evil, and lesser then. From the learning of thinking and thoughts from growing up – self judgement and guilt (& problems) as adult. It is all making so much sense now, I can see clear. Thankfully I have support, and myself – to rely on – to become responsible, to equalize and forgive within self (!) all the nastyness & all the beLIEves & constructs.

What goes on undetected in YOUR mind ?

Understanding is key – the key to understanding is forgiveness. I am learning about me.

DESTENI I PROCESS is the bees knees !

Give time to:

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Post by tormod » ... erfection/

Day 858 – What is perfection?

What is perfection?

What do you think of when you speak the word perfection?

What is then imperfection?

What is a perfectionist?

I realize that I have walked “perfection” with my bread baking.

I enjoy myself greatly in the kitchen and I have been for a period of 3 years or so been working to make tasty sourdough bread. Now… I need to say that I did not walk this with the INTENT of making it perfect. I made the bread because I wanted to see if I could make good breads. Simple as that. Over the last 3 years I have been fine tuning it. Learning by doing. I have had lots of success with it and I have been able to see potential faults and I have been correcting myself before something goes haywire. I guess that right there is the story of my life. Taking on that cautious suit after having seen or experienced the downside or potential damage.

So, I posted a picture of my fresh loaf on facebook the other day and I realize that hey… I have walked this into perfection. I made the bread perfect and the perfect one is me. I will again go to great lengths to say to be aware of perfection and self and to know some sense of balance and living.

I was made aware of a series from Atlanteans on perfection from 423 til 433. There are some FINE interviews on eqafe – from the Atlantean series about the dimension on “perfection”. I strongly suggest to check them out.

There is lots to say about perfection, but what I find so far, is that there need to be assort of automation and drive to it and to not use it as a carrot on a stick – per say. But there is lots of dimensions to it so I suggest to check out the interviews from eqafe.

From me learning to tune it, studying, listening, giving it the needed work and time, this process have grown on me. It would not manifest without the discipline, ethics and perseverance that I have come to learn from walking my process with desteni

Now I will look at studying my process – my life hacks, of baking bread, to expand this math, and work into other parts of living. Like to bring that math (!) into cleaning my bathroom, or dealing with words and issues that can be seen a my weak points – things that I fear or don’t like lol… This will be fun !

again I am reminded by "do what is easy, like it is hard, so will what is hard in its turn, become easy"

I walked my sourdough making into perfection (unknowingly) and for that I am proud.

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Post by tormod » ... e-of-self/

Day 859 – pyramid game of self

A snippet of how I work my way through my schizophrenic mind and conscious chaos – into life, physical stability and awareness as self :

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at war against myself to always find points about me – traces of personalities within me – the puzzle pieces of me that has been shattered and broken, that are not in tune and not perfectly aligned, that I would go into feeling inferior and in lack to and I would engage in anger and judgement personalities to go attacking myself for being out of tune and being imperfect.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at war against people that I see as “pyramid people”, people who represent a superiority / inferiority to me and my living, where I judge and go into attacking them for what I see as the ruling elite / superiority, and I would eventually feel bad, depressed and angry at myself because it is me who is then the war monger and not the stable and collected being in presence and in equilibrium with me as the physical solution.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel upset, like something is wrong when I face women leaders, like my programming tells me that there is something about it that is wrong or out of tune, that either I SHOULD cherish it and within that political correctness – worship it – religiously/politically OR I would resent it and think something is skewed and out of order, and eventually I fall back to myself in anger, judgement and depression with thinking that I am the problem, because I am not worshiping and praising like the programming tells me to. Within this I see that it is my starting point of feeling inferior to women leaders and that is my “pyramid” point to correct – to ground to myself as my physical presence.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to find the neutral point of my pyramid, but that is still a pyramid so it is a waste of effort and the same deal, rather; the BIG idea is for me to NOT REACT to seeing/sensing the pyramid within me, but for me to EQUALIZE to it, o not react to it, and to ground myself as the point into my physical being and body stability – that is the solution and equilibrium that is missing in this math and polarity equation of me.

I commit myself to keep grounding myself as the physical and when ever I sense the pyramid / polarity construct emerging, take a deep breath and stabilize – ground into the physicality of self and being – for me to be that calm, collected and stable point in the situation and by that be equal to everyone.


The war and balance/fight between personalities (2 or 3 personalities) within self – is typical to the schizophrenic. A war and a fight within self as static personalities.

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Post by tormod » ... to-myself/

Day 860 – into myself

Intimacy – my desteni I process way of self discovery

For 30 some years I would seek “out there” – in the external for the clue, the big score, the healing, the dream to come true, the undefined goal.

I would soon enough tumble into drugs, alcohol and escapism – and the more far out ways of culture. It went on far, it went on so far that it almost took me down to my death completely.

But I am here today to share one of the most revealing discoveries that I have had – from walking my desteni I process. It is to start search within myself – for clues and discoveries – for solutions. Long enough had I been searching out there – and expecting & dreaming and at the same time escaping – my healing and myself – responsibility and purpose – I was neglecting my life.

It was when I would learn to see into me – intimacy – to direct my seeing into my being. That is where my discoveries are today, 8 years after – and still I am discovering – life and me.

It seam we are trolled to believe that luck, or healing or anything of support is to come only from the external – from some surfer in the clouds to save us. I had to learn to see into me. To face the darkness – to learn to not fear the darkness – because darkness is only ever parts of self that I have yet not discovered. To forgive the trolls into nutrition for my inner spire, my sprout, my beingness of existence. So, I welcome you – to look into self and be with that what you find, forgive and embrace self and learn what is resting within you: of life, of healing and purpose and discoveries beyond. It is time we get to learn to direct the focus into the self – the garden of eden – the flesh of man. That is where the healing, the realizations and life potential is resting.

Intimacy – into me I see

Heaven on earth is resting within the very physical of mankind

I want to say something more on the inner world – intimacy – of how the garden of eden, heaven on earth, is resting – situated within the very physicality (body) of mankind – within you & within me.

It means to give.

To give people space – within self so that both can blossom. I blossom from the space you give me – in your being – and you blossom because you see that you can give space and that you would also – be given space equally in another – me.

Space. what is space ? A sort of freedom, vacancy, a opportunity, a room, a undiscovered being.

If we give as we would like to receive – from self honesty – we open up self – as the heaven that we all carry within us – hidden and locked down in most of us.

But it is there as a space – to be shared – to be found – where two or more in my name (in a space) – that is where creation can take place. Create what ? …… heaven on earth – nothing less, I would say a living income guaranteed – money for all is the first important step for that.

Thank you for reading

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Post by tormod » ... nsforming/

Day 861 – Transforming

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the urging feeling of needing to break free from the old system – the old me – like a chicken bursting through the egg – like I need for it to crack and open for me, I need the newness and the change of matter – I need to see the creation of a better world – and I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not understood and taken into me this nagging addiction – just before breaking free– the come/calm down – from mind obsession and addiction to polarities of the old self and system – that have held me down and it is this urging of some new grand awaking and change I would like so much to see – again that is bringing up the addiction to mind pattern – like I am now going cold turkey on my mind addiction.

Within this I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to fully take in and realize that – grasp of air, to confirm to self that when there is something new and birthing, there is equally something old and dying – with every start there is an end – and this tells me that we need to keep moving in circles – and not in pyramids – that is for sure, I and this is cementing and making my standing and integrity more firm and clear – as a point of stamina to self and life – again that pyramid structure and hierarchy is dying and the circle, cooperation, ecology, and the equality is here sprouting.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the dying process to suppress the part of me that is dying (the parts don’t die of suppression) – where I rush through to the birthing of the new life – celebration – that I expect to come, and I forget that I have process of dying also to care for – within and as myself – similar to strengthen my strengths and also strengthen my weaknesses.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the itching, urging, and irritating newness that is like a ich on my skin – a combination of letting go of the old and then at the same time embracing the new, like the season of spring bursting out new and green (spring here in south west Norway) and I feel this itch and scratch like I am drying out from having been frozen, wet and cold by winter – now heating up and realizing – seeing new ground – within myself.

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Post by tormod » ... d-mastery/

Day 862 – Schizophrenia and mastery

This construct (personality platform mind construct) is some of the core of my schizophrenic experience – walking this life with the illness of schizophrenia – using self forgiveness and the desteni I process to real-EYES myself as life.

Here is a snippet of some self forgiveness that I use to assist and ground myself :

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to touch into myself – on my inside – as a being, in fear of not liking what I find on my inside – fear for disliking myself – disapproving myself – where I over time grow uncertain and full of doubt and worry that again feeds me with anxiety – and then breaking down – the full emotional game – where I need to realize that I must stop this loop – to stop the wheel of the emotion & hamster/believe/energy running in my mind, the fear that is giving ground to the doubt and worry, the fear that I let govern parts of my being, fear of not being liked, and to truly forgive it as the polarity and mind energy & self judgement that it is – and to short circuit the whole design and stop it from possessing me into constant breakdown loops – within this very self forgiveness sentence – I see again – in retrospective, I see into my being and my nature and I find that I need to – here practice living words, in order to not fall into the pit of doubt and worry – but bridge myself over that pit – and by that stop the emotional loop – with the application of a living word such as enjoyment, gentleness, grace or tranquilo – to live a word and make it mean something to me and my nature.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear certain things in my surroundings like to not be able to trust myself fully – where I fear to reawaken my schizophrenia and “fall and fail” into the pit of schizophrenic suffering and despair – like I use that to threaten myself and to not be able to fully trust myself – instead scaring myself with such scenario, always thinking I must be the “hard working ant” in the process, and failing to realize that schizophrenia is energy, polarity (personality) mind systems and I have solved the schizophrenic riddle – I know my schizophrenia and I will not allow it to grow into possessing me like it used to – because of the process I have walked with mind constructs and quantum self forgiveness, and because I have now the tools to assist myself so – instead of falling into the pit of fearing schizophrenia – I will make sure that I can stand up and understand my schizophrenia and my mind, and from that take charge and direction of the whole of me – to embrace my mind – and live words as myself, to redefine words and be in and with the words as myself, words such as stable, grounded, rooted, here, awareness, calm, easy, relax.

I take on my own inner design – myself as a being – and the task of self realization and self mastery – I will honor myself as life.

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