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mikelammers
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Day-79-2019-02-18-Here as local awareness!

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- LOCAL AWARENESS -

I seem to grasp and I am more and more able to apply myself as support for others in my environment from my own experiences. Only If I have walked a point in the physical and was able to physically reproduce results for myself is when I know I’m getting to grips with a practical application of something. If that application works I will be able to lead confident and as an example. There will be less conflict because there is clarity I can bring here and speak about from my experience. That clarity I can only provide for myself if I allow myself to tap into the potential I created for myself and will myself to slow down and align myself with that specific point in space and time.

LOCAL
Late Middle English: from late Latin localis, from Latin locus ‘place’.
A particular position, point, or area in space; a location: I can't be in two places at once | the monastery was a peaceful place | that street was no place for a lady | figurative: he would always have a special place in her heart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become intimidated by my own mind as the chaotic stream of images connected to things going wrong in my life, seeing myself within moments of unclarity and conflict with other people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect images from my past where I see myself in a state of confusion to judging myself as ‘I am confused’ seeing realizing that I can only be confused If I allow myself to become confused by missing a moment because I don’t slow myself down enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run off into my mind looking for answers to a question or challenge before I slow down and asses myself within this physical reality and what my physical relationship to that moment is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make the point ‘of giving myself clarity’ the first point before I allow myself to move into action

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honor my own observations regarding the sequence of steps to take when I see myself rushing into my mind looking for answers seeing myself not slowing down and generating energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own energetics when making a decision, making energy more important than the decision that has to be made

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take full responsibility for a situation within the point of slowing myself down, seeing realizing that taking self-responsibility means slowing down to ‘real time’ as me here in space-time reality as the situation thus allowing myself to see the moment for what it so I can align myself with that moment in the most self-supportive and thus most constructive way for all involved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impatient when I see myself reacting to the fear coming up within me in a moment of doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impatient with myself when I feel myself reacting energetically during moments of social interaction with other people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave stressed and rush myself when there is little time, seeing realizing that this only makes things worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to time and time again fail to see that slowing down is always the first thing on my to-do list

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to align myself and my work to virtual deadlines in my head that change all the time, seeing realizing that within that I can not trust myself as my mind for self-support when it comes to dealing with my physical reality as the work that needs to be done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in reality go to fast and within that miss the opportunity and importance of aligning my participation with others to that point of self-awareness as the reality of that moment with me and all people concerned in it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid asking myself the question what it is I have to take self-responsibility for when I find myself in my daily reality confronted with a moment of doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know what to do in reality not realizing I am thinking, seeing, realizing that knowing what to do requires a plan and steps in space and time so before I know what to do I have to make that a ‘see what I have to do’ by mapping out my plan on paper

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to the reflex of adjusting my tempo to that of others instead of finding out what my tempo/timing is within that specific moment when I find notice myself becoming rushed or confused because I fall out of time with myself as the mind reacting, creating a state of confusion because I'm not allowing myself to slow down and breath and align myself with real-time and thus become part of reality thus the solution to solving the problem.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself as mental hysteria, react or move towards or starting to participate in a relationship of confusion with someone or something in this physical reality, to slow myself down and/or remove myself from the situation within and as ‘emotional mature behavior’ in order to stabilize myself, correct myself and push myself to correct the situation to the best of my physical abilities into the direction of a practical solution that is best for all in the given situation.

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Day-80-2019-02-19-Trapping the trapper

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POSITIVE + – PRODUCTIVE

- POSITIVE PRODUCTIVITY -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and connect seeing a person breaking a physical relationship with me too myself as bad judgement as blacked out authority, judging myself as ’less than’, seeing myself react and surrender to the vacuum of negativity coming from within me as an accepted and allowed self image of the looser when I see myself after a relationship without sex or companionship, seeing that within that I have become experienced and aware of what happens when I am confronted with the fastness and severity of my self created relationship constructs and imprints and the effect these had and have on my life and the decisions I have made and the consequences thereof thus seeing the ones I will be able to create in the future and within that I forgive myself for comparing what is coming up in these moments/periods and the present moment to versions of myself as images, thoughts and comparisons, with myself in the past, as my former relationships, seeing realizing that by comparing the present version and reality of myself to my old relationships and who I was is trapping myself as the mind in the past and within that I see that if I am not careful in relation to why and how I walk the cutting edge of time with myself, the changes are great I will trap myself as my mind again and allow myself to install and activate older versions of my operating program and within doing that I will surely and actually downgrade myself by creating a lesser version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act upon seeing common sense points in relation to me ‘acting out’, acting, act, that these actions where only real if they where physical acts and expansions of myself as the ‘old version’ transformed into a ‘better version’ thus a different reality of myself and within that I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing that I am able to see and test for real within and as the reality that is me, within common sense as the observation of myself as physical movement, what, it is I am doing as movement within the process of creating a better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate being physically together with a person within and as my ‘relationship point’ to an image of black emptiness within me as the self-constructed representation of myself as my own black hole as how I have lived the relationship with myself when I was no longer physically together with a person on a relation ship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life existing in and as patterns of consumerism where I ‘lose interest’ in my own investments as the value of the relationship with myself thus the relationships to other things and persons and doing this under the false flag of 'giving it all', 'done it', 'tried it', 'been there', 'done that', not seeing realizing that I have done little to nothing to change these specific relationships as my physical reality with myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear seeing what I am able to allow to happen between me and other people in relationships when I allow myself to give my power away to the mind as the total integration of myself with this reality as how relationships currently play out in this world as competition and consumerism, seeing the consequences these points and patterns had on my own life path as the consequences of not slowing down enough and within that allowing myself to sabotage and even reverse my own process of becoming a better version of myself within and as expansion and awareness as self honesty towards the totality of me in a given moment or situation.

I realize and saw myself correcting myself in the past within this point and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself as my physical stability as my body and my own experiences enough to keep standing and keep pushing myself out of my comfort zones in moments I realized that it was my last change thus mandatory to take action and do something at that moment in time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within my relationship point and within that allowed myself to completely and utterly lose myself as my physical stability and within that I forgive myself for creating a tough situation for my physical body in this reality, making my reality even harder to walk and bare, having to start from the base again

I realize that in order for this pattern to stop I must stop all patterns of my behavior that are an outflow of this collective manifestation of reality as the way relationships are currently lived and projected into this world and unto our children, seeing realizing that if I do not educate myself as a living example of how to walk this as the relationship with my own mind and self first, I will never be able to help children learn as learning should be done, which is per definition, a process of self-development and self-expansion as practical and physical steps towards building and constructing a version of oneself as an example for others by making myself as a part of this world better than it was.

When and as I see myself reacting to energy coming up within me from the relationship point to slow myself down and stop, to breath and redirect that energy back into my body and then to the earth in order to stabilize myself enough to get myself back to my starting point of walking this point for myself first before I walk it with someone else as the final test where I will face the final thus all the points as ONE as a physical confirmation in real time as to where I stand as myself in this reality with another person in a relationship.

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Day-81-2019-02-20-Desteni Principle #9

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9. The Principle of Making Love Real
Nurturing and honouring the utmost potential in every individual (including myself) wherein love is not a feeling or emotions, but an action sthat is lived by doing whatever is necessary to support without compromising myself or the other - without fear of "losing" the relationship or the feelings associated to love, and without accepting or allowing less than my own or my partner's utmost potential.

- RELATION SHIP VERSUS MY OWNERSHIP = OWNING MY SHIP -

- RELATION SHIT VERSUS MY OWN SHIT = ALL ABOARD -

How did I reflect and investigated myself within the principle of self-awareness?
It started with seeing and understanding the Desteni message. This sounds as I would be able to grasp the message like a test in school. Either you get it or you don’t. And to a certain extent, it worked like that.

The first moment of awareness for me was an instant seeing of myself as what I was in a moment. I became aware that I was separated into mind, a body as thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Simply because someone used the right key on me. A key to me. I could observe myself at that moment existing as such. But becoming aware and seeing myself like this held no more substance than a road sign. It’s what happened next that’s related to principle Nr. 9.

What was my next action? What did I do?
I and my former partner started sniffing each other out. We were exploring each other and checking things out to see if we could build a relationship and walk this together. So we simply started coming together and talked and shared. My partner happened to be one of the Early Destonian lab rats and in that period lot’s of shit was happening.

I remember that during that time I bumped into Mikey’s writings on the forum. He grabbed me by the balls. I was looking into the mirror seeing myself as the dictator of my own reality. That all the good intentions in the world cannot help me if I don’t know what my starting point is. Everything that played out at that time with the demons was the clearest picture I could get in relation to what I was doing to myself as the earth and to others. The Demons clarified exactly how this world works and operates as within so without.

This also showed me how infinitely fucked we were and I became very angry with the creators at the same time, seeing the genius and simplicity that was used to design a strategy to transform earth into this Disneyland for a Dictator to enjoy his ego trip. The same planet I was trying to create for myself and the people around me. Just like my own life here on earth. As above, so below. In the image and likeness of and standing one and equal with the mind as myself. Perfection and awe and anger and rage. Perfect!

A storm is a storm. As long as that storm is raging outside I can pretend I’m safe. But the moment I step out into the physical reality of the storm… Man! To this day I cannot voice the experience of myself in those early days. Perhaps crossing over is a similar experience of falling apart as chaos.

It felt like a physical experience of being sucked into my own vacuum. A large balloon I valued as big and impressive that turned out to be nothing more than a thin latex layer filled with air that was stretched to the max. And it went BANG! And there was nothing left. The emptiness I faced within me was so frightening that I almost lost it within it.

I have been in a lot of hysterical situations in my life but this moment was not of this world and here I was struggling to find gravity to hold on to. If my partner would not have been there in that moment I would probably have gone gaga. But going online and listening to video’s and reading the articles only made it worse. This was during the period Desteni was looking for practical ways to penetrate the system and grow.

Shit was happening and awareness from my part was as an observer. I observed Desteni within and as myself from the perspective of building an organization, a brand! Because that’s exactly what needed to be done and what Bernard planned to do. It’s the only way to penetrate the system as the system.

So within my participation, I tried to bring my observations back to that point. Is Desteni moving in that direction and what is playing out within that. There were frictions and misunderstandings a lot but it was cool to be able to be part of that process. Every startup has this period where things just have to find their way and position. It’s rough for the ones involved and I can see that now because I have walked the same process as myself when I had to climb out of my cocoon of insecurity and face myself as the professional that wasn’t one! I have been part of building a new organization in the system for the last 4 years and I experience the exact same points playing out within that. The first will be the last and that relates to responsibility thus to how I lived that point and did not!

The whole thing opened up at that point and people started aligning themselves and things started to be addressed. So in regard to awareness, it was more of becoming aware of myself as absolute chaos.

I could write but not make any sense of myself. I could walk but not know where. It was Desteni kindergarten for me for a while. But push we did and then I got a chance to work for a big agency in the north of Holland.

I discussed this with my partner. We drove over there to check it out. It was a very weird experience. I was very insecure and scared facing this challenge. The challenge for me lay in the fact that if I took this job I would be confronted with everything as the responsibilities I had avoided or suppressed in my professional career up to that point. It would not only mean to step out of a comfort zone professionally. I would have to step out of all my comfort zones at the same time AND make it work.

I can still see myself standing there with my hands against that window looking into the building I would be working in. It felt unreal and weird. Work? Working? How? With all this insecurity, anxiety, and fear coming up. With this whole Desteni thing resonating within and me? With a partner as part of the journey? How the hell am I going to do this? I see us, standing there on that industrial estate in the North looking through that window.

I had no idea of what I was getting myself into. All I knew was that I would be allowed to play for a major league club after being in the amateur league for 20 years. It was a final that I had to play my part in.

I was so shit scared of making that step but I was passed the point of return. I have my partner to thank for this move I was able to make. She stood as my stability point within all this and kept pushing me outside my comfort zones. I knew my changes to see this through were about 50/50. That’s not much to go on. But I did and I was able to walk this cutting edge of time for about 4 months before I had my first serious evaluation with the owner of the company.

After that, I was able to keep it up for another 4 within that corporate cluster fuck before I noticed the first physical signs of burnout. This was related to what was playing out as the totality of that moment.

I really needed a lot of myself in that time and I was not able to give that to myself or keep myself stable enough at that point. But I saw myself pushing at the same time. My partner was pushing as well so things started shifting in our lives. There was movement and that was scary shit. She was facing her own demons so there was a lot going on in both of our lives in general.

The second real disaster as a point manifesting between us was the fact that we where more or less forced to move together because my partner really had to physically distance herself from her life in Amsterdam at that point. The only option I had to offer was a roof over her head and that of her children.

I remember that I did not even go home after my last day at work. I took a train straight to Amsterdam to help my partner prepare for her moving out of Amsterdam. At that point, I was physically and mentally on the brink of collapse and utterly unstable.

As we ended up in my house together the point opened up and it became clear our lives and us in it was not stable enough to do this together. It was the first time we created a big rift in our togetherness.

As I see it now it was the start of a process of accepting and allowing myself to mature. We both needed time to stabilize and find new footing because physically there was almost none available at that point in time. That’s my experience of it at least.

Also within Desteni, there was a lot going on. At that point, I really had to focus on my reality here and even that was not working out for me. I was walking into the manifested consequences of my life up to that point and it was utterly dark and frightening. It’s a process of maturing as gathering experiences. I can see that now because of the points I walked. Destini as a group started pushing so I had to push. Without the role my partner played within that I wouldn’t be here writing this down right now.

Awareness is not something you can buy in a shop or dream up. It’s a process like all others. It’s seeing myself in moments where I was not aware and what played out because of that. And on the flip side, situations I created in the physical reality that physically proofed to me what I have missed in my reality and what I was able to diffuse or mold into the physical change as myself for real within moments I was aware.

I started to see glimpses of what this awareness entailed within my physical relationship with my partner. We could be together for days just talking and reflecting and actually push through stuff. Yes, full of friction and reactions and awkwardness towards each other but we could laugh it off most of the time. I hold those moments as experience close, as references to what is possible if both get down to earth, are able to stay there and start walking. The cutting edge is what it says it is! You walk or you will lose your limbs literally. “Stick together whatever happens”, is what Bernard said. That starts with keeping myself together but I was in pieces at that point.

Over a period of 10 years me and my partner both changed the directions of our lives by changing ourselves. We both have physical proof within this when it comes to what was walked, what not and why. The children that are also part of this journey got something out of it that represents childhood and more stability. I was there. I saw it happen. My partner was finally able to let it roll and crash as well. She created her own space to do so, so it happened. And whatever she is doing at the moment I am sure she’s pushing it because that’s potential I have seen at work in my reality.

The problem with awareness is that point. You have to create it, and where I am with myself in self-honesty in my acting determines how fast awareness is able to become something I can call a property or quality of myself.

Besides that, awareness is specific because it relates to something I become aware of. That was a point that became very clear as the point of conflict in communication with my partner. Willpower, focus, concentration and doing!

The same point holds different forms of awareness from the perspective of two people looking at that point. Thus those perspectives can be shared and that could potentially save time. But it is still individualized awareness and there is great potential for conflict if that awareness is not able to become substance awarded through communication and practical skill we need to keep us moving in this physical reality!

Here we faced awareness as a practical physical challenge, thus the next point to walk opened up. Vocabulary within and as communication. What is awareness if I am not able to express myself and my reality in words as my communication from a physical stable base as myself?

So that point had to be walked and we walked it until we both accepted and allowed to fall into the abyss of our relationship constructs and the whole thing imploded and went down the drain.

That’s the power of the mind as me giving away all my power to the mind by restarting an old version of myself as myself! I am only as strong and effective as my ability to keep my mind balanced during moments that define me!

I can think I have done all I can but the only real proof and truth of that will always be the confrontation with myself as the reality I am able to create for myself thus the reality I find myself in.

That’s the reality of myself in self-honesty as what is physically here. Little did I know what was to come and what this relationship had in store for me. I became my own science experiment without being aware of it in the beginning.

Nurturing and honoring the utmost potential in every individual (including myself)
What is my utmost potential knowing that I stand as one point? One sentence. One line of code that is not to change and I can never find that line? I have experienced the potential of my partner on more than one occasion. I have wondered myself, seeing myself do things for the first time without energy and with an unknown subtlety that existed between me and what I am doing.

But seeing and honoring the utmost potential would require me to first find that potential in myself as me creating substance in order to get to a real physical understanding of what that substance is as me before I can honor it as some truth or confirmation.

When it comes to a word so potent(ial)!

Honoring ones true potential to me and in the practical sense is like growing plants. I know (as knowledge and information) what the potential of this seed can be (a tomato plant that can potentially produce big fat red tomatoes). I cannot see it at this moment because it’s a seed buried underground. I know it’s there, I know it wants to grow because its there to do so. At the same time, I know it will only do so if I create a specific environment for that seed to start growing. Thus I have to make sure I am in tune with what this seed requires when it comes to the process the gardener in me has to facilitate in order to activate that potential (see the green hands interview).

Growing as seen here is a process and that process is the most important factor when it comes to tapping into the potential of that seed. The better I understand the process and apply myself within that as my own gardener, the better the results.

Wherein love is not a feeling or emotions, but an action that is lived by doing whatever is necessary to support without compromising myself or the other.
This proves the point I see that it’s never one point. I have in moments experienced that stable oneness with my partner. When we started out we where always close together. We made sure we had our island in the living room and we often stayed there for weekends on end figuring shit out. A lot of movement a lot of points and a lot to discuss. It was my first glimpse into the potential of an agreement with someone and how shit can be addressed and walked within that.

On the other hand, I now know from experience that it’s way more multi-dimensional than that. But at the base, it’s not a complicated process at all. Finding the will and power to push my self again and again without getting direct results or gratification is the hardest point to walk for me here. Realizing I’m doing this for myself because it’s best for all and that’s that. No more to it. No medals, no money, no ego satisfaction what so ever. The satisfaction is seeing myself 15 years ago like Neo sitting in his office cubicle.

Without fear of "losing" the relationship or the feelings associated to love.
In other words transcending the mind in its totality related to relationships, sex, and family. The mind as the core program of enslavement in relationships. I was shit scared of losing everything I thought I was and had to go for myself. This fear is existential and can be physically overwhelming to the point I start killing other people. I have seen this point play out in my own reality.

The moment I take a stance and make the first step into the unknown this void as my ultimate collection of fear of death will manifest. Knowing I am going to amputate a part of myself I have had a long relationship with. Who does that with a happy face?

But here I am in that same point as I was amputated from a process in the same way I have to let parts of myself die that do not serve me. It’s never a nice experience from whatever system perspective you look at it. When it becomes an experience that happens because I’m simply creating it, that’s when I’m moving in sync with the process.

This is rarely the case though because of where I am at this point in time. I’m slowly starting to realize how this learning process physically works. Fear as insecurity is still here. Fear of starting a relationship as fear for my own creation is still here. So within that are the points of loosing love. Where love is still connected to emotions and feelings that I haven’t addressed or are hidden in layers I have not reached. Thus flag points and no go areas in relationships. Points I have to clear with myself first in my physical reality.

I’m at the point where I don’t fear a relationship as such because I trust myself within the point of seeing my starting point for being with someone is based on those few experiences I have walked with a partner in oneness and the mistakes I made as experience within that process.

These are my only tangible reference points because they are the only physical reference points as experience in my life when it comes to real love as giving as I would like to receive. So at this point, I will bring nothing more or less into whatever relationship as substance as those experiences as myself. I am aware of the fact that the rest is all still there and will reveal itself the moment I decide to go for it.

So I have to be self-honest here and look where I stand with myself in this point and what is opening up here. Seeing myself slow down and creating distance and clarity is a good sign (padding myself on the back here). But as I speak this opportunity is presenting itself in my life so it’s more than a point of attention and awkwardness for me here.

Without accepting or allowing less than my own or my partner's utmost potential.
Ok from the perspective above I can see that we can actually walk based on what we can physically proof to one another. So it’s more a case of building a foundation together made from and based on physical points as potential we have both walked and in that proved to ourselves and each other we are capable of handling those points within ourselves thus others. In other words to see what has been done, why and how and walk from there in awareness?

If I would be able to walk from those starting points always, I know I am moving from a starting point that was my utmost potential at a previous point in time. So the first step I take is from the last physical step I took as my utmost potential. If I can do this and walk other points into new potential without disturbing the balance in an agreement to much I’m actually in the process of honoring that potential in myself and the people I am in a relationship with.

Does it stand yet?
No! So if there would be a start of something that represents an agreement this point is the first to be discussed with a partner in a practical way.

Who Am I as principle Nr 9, as Honoring Life in all forms as my physical actions?
Still, catch myself throwing cigarette buts out of my car window while driving. So No. I’m a 50-year-old preprogrammed robot from the old school and these things take time. I see myself becoming more and more aware of the way I physically behave and move through this world though.

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Day-82-2019-02-21-The Visual Origami of me

Post by mikelammers »

RAW -
R•AWE -
IMAGE - (MIRAGE - M•’I’-RAGE - MY RAGE)


Self = I am
Self Imagined = What I think I am
Imagination = Projecting myself
Self Image = Reflections of myself I allow myself to have a relationship with
Self Movement = Directing myself towards ‘intimacy’ as physical action as me
Self Intimacy = Acts and taking action as self love as within so without as intimacy (Into me I see) as physical behavior

Image |ˈɪmɪdʒ|

1 a representation of the external form of a person or thing in art
• a visible impression obtained by a camera, telescope, microscope, or other device, or displayed on a computer or video screen
• an optical appearance or counterpart produced by light from an object reflected in a mirror or refracted through a lens.
• Mathematics a point or set formed by mapping from another point or set.
• Computing an exact copy of a computer's hard disk, made for backing up data or setting up new machines.
• a mental representation or idea
• [in singular] a person or thing that closely resembles another.
• [in singular] semblance or likeness
• (in biblical use) an idol.

2 the general impression that a person, organization, or product presents to the public

3 a simile or metaphor

• make a visual representation of (something) by scanning it with a detector or electromagnetic beam
• Computing make an exact copy of (a computer's hard disk): the hard disk drive should be imaged using a specialized bitstream backup product.
• form a mental picture or idea of

ORIGIN
Middle English: from Old French, from Latin imago; related to imitate.


- IMITATE -

Imitate |ˈɪmɪteɪt|
Take or follow as a mode: his style was imitated by many other writers.

• copy (a person's speech or mannerisms), especially for comic effect
• copy or simulate: synthetic fabrics can now imitate everything from silk to rubber.

ORIGIN
mid 16th century: from Latin imitat- ‘copied’, from the verb imitari; related to imago ‘image’.


The polarity in the system where I am valued and fucked based on my assets in relationships as my ‘image’ at the same time being told be ‘authentic’, ‘real’, ‘true’, honest. At the same time participating as ourselves in disagreement and dishonesty. Is extreme polarity and friction = stress.

- IMAGE -+ IMITATE = SIMULATE - SIM-U-LATE = ‘I’ Simulate you, When u simulate your late (Running after an image/carrot)-(stepping out of reality instead of time it for real).

dress |drɛs| verb
1 [no object] put on one's clothes

• [with adverbial] wear clothes in a particular way or of a particular type
• [with object] put clothes on (someone)
• put on clothes appropriate for a formal occasion
• [with object] design or supply clothes for (a celebrity)

2 [with object] decorate (something) in an artistic or attractive way

• decorate (a ship) with flags for a special occasion.

3 [with object] treat or prepare (something) in a certain way, in particular:

• clean, treat, or apply a dressing to (a wound)
• clean and prepare (food, especially poultry or shellfish) for cooking or eating
• add a dressing to (a salad): dress the salad with vinaigrette.
• apply a fertilizer to (an area of ground or a plant): the field was dressed with unrotted farmyard manure.
• complete the preparation or manufacture of (leather or fabric) by treating its surface in some way.
• smooth the surface of (stone): (as adjective dressed)
• arrange or style (hair)

4 [with object] Military draw up (troops) in the proper alignment.

• [no object] (of troops) come into proper alignment.

5 (of a man) have the genitals habitually on one or the other side of the fork of the trousers

6 [with object] make (an artificial fly) for use in fishing

1 a one-piece garment for a woman or girl that covers the body and extends down over the legs

2 [mass noun] clothing of a specified kind for men or women

• [as modifier] denoting military uniform or other clothing used on formal or ceremonial occasions: a dress suit.

(OF A MAN)
HAVE THE GENITALS
HABITUALLY ON ONE
OR THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE FORK
OF THE TROUSERS


🤣Hahaaaa. What to do with my assets? (OXYGEN PLEASE).

Time's up. More to come.

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Day-83-2019-02-23-Back to self

Post by mikelammers »

So time's up. Enough points and self-confidence to initiate the walking phase. And, I have to get some work done in order to get my financials in order and my participation in the collective up to the desired level ASAP!

More to come.

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Day-83-2019-02-23-Back to self

Post by mikelammers »

Gian made a vlog about the most impactful moments in our lives. After watching the video I was obliged to make one myself. Tagged. I’m it. That video is going to come, no worries. Before I do I allow myself to reflect on the points Gian addressed. Especially

- THE POINT of IM-PACT -

The moment itself as the physical knocking on my door, embracing my totality. A moment I cannot escape as such, a moment where I have the opportunity to step in and grab myself by the balls so to speak.

An experience I cannot escape as myself. A choice that is offered to either cross the road, as in cross-road or, keeps on walking in the same direction as a choice that is here. A gift as substance I created to be able to mold this moment into something new and applicable for myself.

I walked a relationship and within that, there were 2 children (girls) walking as well. One of them, the youngest one, loved to go on rides on my scooter. So when the opportunity for us to go cruise was there I would try to facilitate ‘a ride’. I love to cruise as well so why not enjoy it together which is way more fun.

L would be on the seat in front of me holding the handlebars and I would sit behind her driving. During one of those rides, I sort of sat back and watched L enjoying herself as we flowed through the countryside around the village where we live. I asked myself what it was she was enjoying so much? Herself off course!

I could have asked her but I didn’t. Instead, I just allowed myself to enjoy this moment as it came. The first thing I noticed was ’no fear’. She absolutely trusted me at the wheel to the point she was taking her hands of the handlebar and stood up straight on the floorboard of the scooter and was simply enjoying herself arms stretched out while I was driving at full speed!

Moments where I had to tune it down a little although I would rather go with the same instinct roaring within me.

She enjoyed the wind brushing along her face and in her hair. She moved with the scooter when we where cutting through turns. She amplified the physical movement with sounds of self-enjoyment and she did that exactly like her mother. Although L expressed herself like that way more often than us adults lol.

During that specific ride witch also happened to be our last, I asked myself the question what would have happened if my ex would have been able to experience this exact same physical experience as a child like her daughter was having here at this moment?

It was just bananas how simple this was. Get on the scooter and drive! The moment you are of, the fun starts. I realized that the only moment my ex and I shared that came close to this moment, was seeing myself riding my ex on the back of a bike to the doctor when we were about 17 years old.

I also realized that my ex has no interest in physical experiences that involve more than the standard 1G force on the body. She has a background in swimming thus in water thus from a pre-programmed point that makes sense.

I was curious though because what I was observing was not new to me. I became aware that L was expressing herself exactly as my ex could do, but it was not scripted or controlled in any way. It was just L moving with the movement and expressing herself within it without ever getting distracted by something else. She became that movement and I could only make sure it didn’t stop by keeping my hand on the gas so to speak.

And so we flowed together as pure self enjoyment. Both in our specific ways, but together, It was a profound experience that gave me a glimpse into the definition of self-enjoyment. What a joint experience can create and can be. I couldn’t keep my eyes dry. Luckily I was driving full speed and the wind was causing my eyes to be wet anyway.

There was a painful realization as well and that related to the polarity I was becoming aware of. I saw that when L would have been any other child she could have ended up like her mother and never experience these fearless moments that took no effort. The simple gifts we are able to give others by simply showing them that 'A zone' or moment in time is just another place to explore and move through. If possible together, with the wind on our faces and our hair in the wind, if we dare to take a ride because of the ride. Because we love to ride, we need to ride, we need to feel what it means to move in 3D thus we moved in 3D.

Within this, I realize that I and L had a silent agreement, a sound agreement. I would see her. I would look her in the eye and see. I would ask: Wanna go for a cruise?”. Her body would respond immediately by springing into action. Then her expression would suddenly change as she realized she needed permission from mom. The mind would kick in and she would make contact with her mother and ask if it was ok. Wich was always the case. Than that extravert expression of joy would return and we would be off to ride.

Within those moments I have observed my ex enjoying her daughter in a similar way I did. Be it from a mothers perspective seeing her child in this expression. But the point for me is that I saw L at that moment on my scooter as a less damaged version of her mother. I knew I was making a comparison but it also made me wonder about preprogramming and trauma.

I was looking at it from the perspective of knowing my ex for a long time and seeing that what was expressing itself here was the mother transformed. Here I was looking at what L was able to give herself because my ex took the effort of walking herself through these points with her daughters and what that entailed. I felt proud to be part of this process and I was enjoying it thoroughly.

It also confronted me with the scope of what I had to walk with my partner seeing how we where raised and what we had done with our lives. L showed me within her physical presence a version of her mother within the context of what could have been iff… 9 years versus 49 years.

What if my ex wouldn’t have had to go through the problematic struggle that she had as a child. What if the trauma would not have been there. I will never know because I see within myself that it’s the trauma that defines us. It’s the way we handle trauma that is part of the process of self-creation. I realized that I had a bittersweet moment of realization while cruising on my scooter with L.

At the same time this was during that last phase of my relationship and at this point, I did not know how fast I would be expelled from this reality of myself or why. Another opportunity for myself to bring a point of attention here but I missed the point. Probably because I was enjoying myself so much.

It has been:
  • - 10 years of walking backward in my mind and moving forwards in the system (making small steps).
    - Years of supporting a partner with a partner
    - Discovering intimacy
    - Experience the creation of substance
    - Seeing myself for the first time as who I really am as someone else
    - Seeing myself in L and Z
    - Able to be utterly surprised as a child again, curious - motivated and having to push as well
I remember my ex asking me once what I saw in the name ‘Bernard’. I only ‘knew’ one Bernard and that man had many names. But the first words that came up where:

‘Burn-Hard!’
And the exclamation mark is there with a reason. Considering myself one of the lucky beings on this earth who had the privilege of facing the ‘Death of Deaths’ by having a certain Bernard Poolman address a seemingly ‘unimportant’ remark I made or question I asked is my experience of Life within the face of Death. The absolute power of destruction in order to create something new.


2002-2004
• Last advertising agency - Burn Out
• Girlfriend pregnant
• Selling my houseboat and becoming self-employed
• Buy A house on fake papers and move with child and girlfriend

2004-2006
• Daughter
• Broke up the relationship
• Heavy depression
• Seeing J on FB

2007-2010
• J visits me for the first time
• Where am I?
• Discovering Desteni
• Agreement (sort of)
• Amsterdam ‘ashtray experience’
• Seeing the destructive relationship with my best (male) friend

2010-2013-
• Physical process (mainly exploring pockets and crystals)
• Agreement walking 7-year journey
• Depressions

2013-2014-
• Walking the professional point confrontation ‘Burn-Out’

2014-2015-
• Moving in together
• Shot in the back (falling)
• Separation

2015-2016-
• Ending my existing business and becoming part of a new collective
• Commitment to expand from Art director to Creative Strategist
• Restoring the relationship with J
• Joining the Bicycle Club
• Doing my MTB2 instructors course and develop an MTB specific training program for kids and adults

2017-2018-
• Startup problems within the collective
• Back problems intensify
• Herniated disc manifest while working on J’s house
• Total break down of relationship and standing
• Started to smoke again
• Removed from command (total physical break down due to a herniated disc)

2018-2019-
• Commitment to process
• Therapy and eventually surgery
• Picking up DIP
• Emptied my self of a lot of illusions
• Financially broke
• Commit to work and work on and with my self
• Work on regaining financial stability
• Bike Motherfucker BIKE!

2020-
• Solely a creative strategist
• Bike School

Priority points:
• Commit to work and work on myself (DIP)
• Work on regaining financial stability (just work)
• Bike Motherfucker BIKE! (more than a job)
• Solely a creative strategist (the professional)
• Bike for your life (My bike school as honoring my potential)

Words coming up:

- BURN-HARD -

I never pondered on Bernard’s name until my former partner asked me specifically about it. There was not even a thought. I just saw the words. BURN-HARD! Maybe I shouldn’t have seen those words in the past at that specific point because I unconsciously allowed myself to create a relationship with these words as something I should be doing as well. Lead by example not knowing what that example actually entailed? But maybe it was correct because I burned out with a purpose..... (open up these points).

I cannot allow myself to let my physical flame die. I have work to do here so I better walk that shit without burning up. Thx a lifetime to the 'B' man. And props to wherever you are stirring up the universe.

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mikelammers
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Day-84-2019-02-24-Equal Professionals?

Post by mikelammers »

This morning as I logged in to Basecamp (our companies project management platform), there was a message from a colleague complimenting me on my efforts from past Sunday. ‘Strangely enough’ he was complimenting me on work that he was co-responsible for and should have been working on himself as well.

We were working on a presentation in order to get a big project started. Last week we had a meeting together with our copywriter to discuss the status and open points that still had to be addressed in order to get that presentation up to the required standards for the client.

After the points where discussed, we agreed that he would take responsibility for fine tuning the talked about the contents of the presentation and address the points that were discussed. We also agreed that this would be done by the end of that day (Friday).

After that meeting, he reacted and he showed and spoke about his resistance to making these kinds of presentations and that he would rather focus on doing sales.

I told him that if he had so much resistance it would be more logical and practical to let me do those presentations? I also told him to make a choice and take a stance for himself within this as a ‘professional’. Otherwise, he would only create friction within himself and eventually, that would lead to conflict with others. I told him that and I spoke from my own physical experience as a professional.

- ? - Is this the point I missed in real time? Realizing that he was facing resistance thus himself within that, as anger and frustration? And that his own incompetence after screwing up professionally where now turned into projections towards me as calling me names? I recognize these patterns because I have seen that they are as much part of my own behavior as well. But in this case, my reactions and responses wherein writing and online so It’s very easy for me to identify in real time how this situation manifested and played out.

I was only telling/showing him what the consequences of his own words entailed. If you want 'this' as a professional than that implies you do ‘that' as a professional. It was all in common sense and clarity! Take responsibility for your own choices and what you promised someone else you would do as in your physical actions! A word a word, a man a man! In relation to the presentation, it was agreed that I would focus on the visuals related to this ‘website project’ and he would address the other points that were discussed with me and our copywriter.

The document was a shared Google Presentation document and all the members of the team have access to that document online. So we can work on it together and see what’s happening in real time. All points that needed to be addressed were discussed, so everyone knew what was on their plate!

I planned to do my ‘back to self day’ Saturday and write in the early morning. After that, I planned to finish this presentation. It was about 15.00 hours as went to my office and opened the document. I could see my colleague had been working on the document but it was still in a mess and not presentable.

In other words, I was confronted with the fact that the points we discussed and agreed on where not addressed to the required standard within the company! I felt friction as a reaction of frustration come up. The point was related to ‘taking responsibility’ in agreements’. How ironic!

What I see from within my past as myself as well as a pattern within this man regarding points of professionalism, work ethics, and ’evaluating’ one's own work in that context. Points I had to walk intensively over the past years.

Within this moment it becomes painfully clear what happens If one does not address these points as time goes by in ones ‘career’. Within this, I realize and have experienced first hand, that the system especially the commercial environment, is a very unforgiving and totally irrational place. It’s full of unwritten laws and the acceptances and allowances that play out in so-called professional relationships. It’s literally 75% psychology the rest is system bullshit we can address with professionalism, common sense and good communication. Precisely the points I was running into here.

Besides and on top of that we have outspoken, written out and well-defined quality standards within the company. I know because I invested a lot of time in this! So did the founder and most of my colleagues in the company. We have worked extremely hard the past years to get to clarity in relation to this point. These are fundamentals in every organization or company or team. Thus in our team!

Professional standards and the involvement required to meet those standards is not even that high in relation to our company. We really tried to keep it simple but the context of our work is often extremely multi-dimensional and plays out in the boardrooms of companies where hard decisions have to be made. There’s usually big ego’s and a lot of ‘money’ as ‘time’ involved, so clarity as in excellent communication is key to lubricate these processes.

In time and in other words, this colleague was repeatedly confronted with this point and he told me he was aware of the importance of it. The ‘point’ I see where I have to give someone a change and the time to chance, so I did. Because of this pattern between me, this person and my impatience within it in the past, we had faced a few clashes before.

A few weeks back we had a much-needed talk about this together to clean the slate. It was a good and productive talk. I had investigated my involvement and responsibility beforehand. I took full responsibility for my part and told him how I was committed to addressing shit like this in the future. We discussed the points that had to be addressed within this. That was our new starting point and we both agreed we had to walk this shit together.

I also asked him as a colleague, that if he saw me participating within this construct of impatience while I was not aware myself, to please confront me with it as soon as he became aware of it. He told me he would.

The frustrating thing for me here, is to see that we just had a talk a week back, and here I am faced with the exact same point playing out regarding how serious this colleague takes himself his own work and within that disregards me as a colleague completely. At the same time, his actions made me responsible for something he agreed to take responsibility for himself. Which is unacceptable if there is a clear agreement within this point.

Exactly the point I have faced within and as situations with my ex and how that played out. I was definitively walking the cutting edge of time with myself as patience this morning!

Not to mention the fact that in the past we had ‘angry’ clients that pointed these kinds of mistakes that were made out because we as so-called ‘specific-professionals’ should be the last ones to miss them. And these clients are 100% right. If we manage expectations by stating that we professionally create clarity and sharpness in communication than our communication should be a living expression of that.

In our line of work, these mistakes happen but they are placed in a red zone for a reason. That reason is connected to the consequences that are related to not doing this to the required standards. Standards that are there for a reason. It’s about our VALUES as PROFESSIONALS towards each other as shared RESPONSIBILITY and SELF-HONESTY and integrity.

In the commercial and professional landscape, you don’t wanna cross these lines too often. Within this playing out within our collective I had already raised the red flag countless times before. So it was definitively a moment to reflect on and investigate for myself because I realized I had to make a choice and take a stand.

This pattern has to be stopped and I was not going to let this pattern continue to exist. Simply because I saw that it’s unacceptable from a professional perspective and the responsibility I have for that towards myself and other colleagues that work hard to become better at what they do. This is not who I wanna be thus I will no longer accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern.

As I was pondering on how to react I realized I had to deal with my own frustration and anger first. I slowed myself down and took a deep breath. I decided to give myself a few more hours and check again late in the evening.

Before I went to bed I checked, and everything was still as it was. I already decided that if this would be the case I would take responsibility for the whole presentation. Finish it on Sunday and post it without any references to our agreement. That I would address later.

Monday morning comes and there is a ‘positive response’ on Basecamp. Nice “but I do have a few questions” is what he posted.

All questions regarding this presentation were already discussed and on top of that, I took the effort of answering even more questions as I was working on the presentation. Thus my reaction was simple: “All remaining questions are now to be answered by the client and that all I had to say about it was in the document and clear as water”. Wich was the case if one would take the effort of slowing down, and take the time to read and reflect, so one can give oneself some answers. Back in my studio days, we called people that do this ’askholes’, because they go straight into making something someone else’s problem without even trying themselves first.

At this point, I also told him that I had waited for him to finish the document last Saturday and because he didn’t finish it I was forced to do it myself and according to my deadline time was up!

His reaction to my feedback was off the charts and totally possessed. He even started calling me names. It was 07:00 in the morning so he was probably unable to catch himself as ‘his morning sickness or mood or whatever’. I was seeing his mind spewing out backchat and projections as anger and frustration clearly.

At this point, I felt some energetic reactions coming up. I slowed myself down again. Took a deep breath, made a cup of coffee and responded that this is not the way I want to communicate and I reminded him of our talk and what we had agreed upon in relation to our professional behavior. Within that, we agreed (amongst other things) that I would act more emotional maturity and he would invest more time in checking himself and his professional output in relation to the required agreements and standards within our collective.

Within this one reaction that he placed online, all our agreements where violated.

So I simply made that point and I reminded him that we also agreed that Basecamp is not the place for personal frustration and rants. It’s the company platform and we have agreements on how to behave there.

Ten minutes later the founder of the company calls. The person in question called him to tell him he’s quitting involvement within our collective and he wanted my take on it. So I told him what I am writing here in a nutshell.

This was the moment I saw that there is probably more to this point. The reaction was hysterical, so what happened must have been a trigger for this colleague in relation to something else, something on a deeper level within himself regarding his own self placed limitations in relation to his professional career and ambitions.

I can see this clearly because I had to go through the same physical process of resistance and fuck-ups myself in the last years. It’s the point of seeing where I lack certain skills and am required to physically do work to hone those skills by working on them as in pushing through my own resistance as hard labor to get to where it’s ‘good enough’ and it stands and it is done!

- ASSET -

- A•Set
- As it Sets
- A Setting
- Settled
- A Settlement

- SET•THE•MEND
- SETTLE•THE•MENDING -
- SETUP•THE•MIND
- CARVED IN STONE -

ASSET - |ˈasɛt|
a useful or valuable thing or person: quick reflexes were his chief assets | the school is an asset to the community.

• (usually assets) an item of property owned by a person or company, regarded as having value and available to meet debts, commitments, or legacies: growth in net assets.

ORIGIN
mid 16th century (in the plural in the sense ‘sufficient estate to allow discharge of a will’): from an Anglo-Norman French legal term, from Old French asez ‘enough’, based on Latin ad ‘to’ + satis ‘enough’.

- ENOUGH -

Enough |ɪˈnʌf|

As much or as many as required

• Used to indicate that one is unwilling to tolerate any more of something undesirable
• We've got enough problems without that
• I’ve had enough of this arguing
• That's enough, pack it in.
• Before he was old enough to shave | you're not big enough for basketball.
• He can get there easily enough.
• Curiously enough.

ORIGIN
Old English genōg, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch genoeg and German genug .

- GENOEG -

Genoeg
- Onbepaald telwoord (a non defined ‘enough’)
- zoveel als men nodig heeft

Van hebbener, liever niets meer mee te maken willen hebben hebben (DENIAL).

- Ergens geen ‘genoeg’ van krijgen
- En nu is het ‘genoeg’ nu moeten jullie ophouden, nu wordt het te veel
- Mans genoeg en in staat om te doen wat nodig is
- Merkwaardig ‘genoeg’ mocht ik niet mee het was nogal merkwaardig dat ik niet mee mocht

- Can’t get ‘enough’
- And now it’s ‘enough’
- Man ‘enough’
- Strangely ‘enough’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate being physically together with a person professionally within and as my ‘relationship point’ to energy within me as 'the fear for confrontation’ within and as my ‘response-ability' related to professional situations in the past as how I have lived the relationship with myself as 'the professional' with 'other professionals'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my professional life existing in and as patterns of anger, frustration and fear, where I give up or ‘lose interest’ in my own investments as the value of the relationship with my ‘professional’ ‘self' and the relationships with other professionals, doing this under the false flag of 'giving it all', 'done it', 'tried it', 'been there', 'done that', not seeing realizing that I was not able to act, because I missed practical experience as my physical learning process I that I had to walk myself to change these ‘specific' 'professional relationships' within and as my physical reality first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear seeing what I am able to allow to happen between me and other professionals people in professional relationships when I allow myself to give my power away to the mind as the total integration of cluelessness of myself within this reality as how relationships practically work at the moment and play out in this world as competition and consumerism, seeing the consequences these points and patterns had on my own life path as the consequences of not slowing down enough and within that allowing myself to sabotage and even reverse my own process of becoming more professional within and as expansion and awareness as self honesty towards the totality of me as my professional competencies required in a given moment or situation.

I realize and saw myself correcting myself by slowing down and breathing when I was confronted with this point this morning and the dimensions opening up, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself as my professional experience and physical stability as my body and my own experiences enough to keep the energy from coming up from within me as fear for professional confrontations, seeing that I have to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zones in moments and within that I realize that this is my responsibility as ‘the professional’ thus mandatory for me to not postpone and take action and do something for that moment as it is a professional opportunity for real change for two professionals to transcend themselves and walk as one in ‘professional equality’!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself as my physical stability for a moment when I saw a colleague react to my feedback online and within that I forgive myself for creating an energetic reaction as insecurity within for my physical body to deal with, seeing realizing I was not slowing down fast enough and not focussing on my breathing immediately.

I realize that in order for this pattern to stop I must stop all patterns of my behavior that are an outflow of this collective manifestation of reality as the way professional relationships are currently lived and projected into this world and unto professional education, where it’s placed ‘normal’ friction between people and shit that has to be sucked up somehow, seeing realizing that it’s not ’normal’ nor is it ‘professional’ and that it will eventually bring everybody involved to their lowest point within the construct of ‘giving up’ and within that I commit myself to keep educating myself by pushing myself out of my preconceived comfort zones in order to gather as much physical experience as I can as myself and my definition of being ‘a professional’.

When and as I see myself reacting to energy coming up within me when I am confronted with friction generated by my mind coming from the ‘professional relationship’ point to slow myself down and stop, to breath and redirect that energy back into my body and then to the earth in order to stabilize myself enough to get myself back to my starting point of walking this point for myself first before I walk it with someone else, and within that take all the points I am aware of as ‘the professional’ into consideration in order to walk my walks as ‘professional finals as tests where I will face all the points as ONE as a physical confirmation in real time as to where I stand as myself in this reality with another person in a professional relationship.

More to come!

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mikelammers
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Day-85-2019-02-26-Sangtify my sanity.

Post by mikelammers »

- SANE - |seɪn|
- IM-PACT -
- IN-SANE -


(of a person) of sound mind; not mad or mentally ill: hard work kept me sane.

• reasonable or sensible: a sane discussion of the important social issues of our time.

ORIGIN
early 17th century: from Latin sanus ‘healthy’.

- SANCTIFY - ˈsaŋ(k)tɪfʌɪ|

verb (sanctifies, sanctifying, sanctified) [with object]
set apart as or declare holy; consecrate: a small shrine was built to sanctify the site.

• make legitimate or binding by a religious ceremony: their love is sanctified by the sacrament of marriage.
• free from sin; purify: may God sanctify his soul.
• cause to be or seem morally right or acceptable: ancient customs that are sanctified by tradition.

ORIGIN
late Middle English: from Old French saintifier (influenced later by sanctifier), from ecclesiastical Latin sanctificare, from Latin sanctus ‘holy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally, energetically, thus physically as the mind when I am confronted with other peoples judgments coming from their minds as knowledge and information from the system, instead of practical physical experience as proof of their achievements, and within that I forgive myself for messing with my own mental stability as my mind seeing realizing that the only physical stability I have available is me as my body here in ‘space-time’ witch is real time’ thus real thus reality and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself as the mind as my mental operating system, as physical reactions of energy within me activated through and by the resonances and background noises I experience as the static electricity and mental hysteria of the system I am a part of and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that when I walk into the system as my daily life and participation, is actually me moving myself around in a war zone, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand, that to survive and be of service for others within this reality of war, requires absolute focus and dedication to my goals and commitment to change as me as ‘the professional mercenary of my mind’, walking the cutting edge of time with myself within this reality as the dynamics of war as the money-system as a whole as this planet within and as the ‘winning-+loosing’ polarity, that is slowly collapsing as it’s own lack of substance as in ’no foundation’ and within that manifests as lunacy and abuse, seeing realizing and understanding that as a part of this system, I can use the physical sensors I have available to filter out the BS I am confronted with on a daily bases seeing myself and others around me participating within and as the system, seeing realizing that within this I face a serious physical risk of ‘going down with the ship’ if I’m not able to remain physically grounded in daily life seeing myself falling within my relationship points as a total physical implosion equal and one with the imploding system in my physical reality as the collapse of the system and the friction and fear that it creates within my reality and the people around me as the mind battling for control, seeing realizing that this is energy as us as this reality is out of control, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, assume I can control the mind as energy witch is a trap, and to prevent trapping myself I thus have too always come back to this moment here as breath as the physical as my body in order to remain - SANE - and in this SANE time push myself through the resonances and background noise as the mental hysteria of the system I have to be a part of and give substance to as the process of change I am walking one and equal with the system as myself as my potential as my abilities, experience, competences as me as a professional within the system.

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mikelammers
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Day-85-2019-02-27-The Con-Sequence of making a choice

Post by mikelammers »

- CHOOSE - (UNDER PRESSURE)

• DEUCE • JUICE • JEW’S


I ran into some serious consequences after one of my colleagues became possessed last Monday. It has been quite an anxious 48 hours.

I have a rather dominant influence in our collective because of the fact that I’m unfortunately the only Creative Strategist. We don’t have a hierarchical structure so there is no boss as such. This sounds great on paper but in the system, this is creating serious problems. People have hardly any definition of ‘equality’ within the freedom they have available in relation to the responsibility that comes with it towards our fellow companions. And also the personal responsibilities they have within this.

The consequence of not having a company structure with defined responsibilities and agreements makes my daily reality hell sometimes. Why? Because of words! Communication, definitions, and relationships. People get into the business with buckets full of assumptions and ideas that are mostly derived from business manuals and experience being in other companies or similar fields. Often they also have a limited competence bandwidth in relation to the multidimensionality of what we do as specialists for clients.

Day after day I am confronted with these automated ways of approaching things because people react before they research. And this is killing because one of the most important things we sell are ‘solutions’. Solutions as in ways to approach things, see things, do things or change things.

In other words, we are highly depended on people who are capable of ‘SEEING THE WHOLE PICTURE’ within and as the problem a client faces and the solutions that might be there. These constructs are often quite multidimensional and If one does not have a thorough understanding of how companies (organizations) function (also psychologically), One has a problem.

I’m running into a conflict with a co-worker. The problem being that this man is so emotional at this point in time that it has become impossible to work together as ‘mature, professionals’ because he no longer wants to work with me. Which is fine by me as long as people stick to themselves within that and act professionally.

So I opened up this point and made some adjustments within the point of, ‘emotional mature behavior as a professional. And bam. After the weekend at 07.00 Monday morning, the point all ready enters my physical reality as this colleague. Where it’s no longer about work but the symbol I represent as the 'one-man show'. Besides that, there is a lot of backchat going on at the office when I am not there. Welcome to the system, welcome aboard the relation ship called Lijnrecht.

The problem here is that I am often the one who can see and address specific shit we face, and I am alone in that thus an island. Simply because I own some specific experience, and this in return triggers insecurity, jealousy, fear for confrontation and thus a lot of relationship points with people. It's one of the reasons I rather work from home because it's really tiring to be in that pool of resonances we call our office.

When things get really heated it's almost undoable. Within those moments I am often not able to stand in the storm and/or correct myself in time because of that severe polarity I have to be a part of.

On one side there is my competence (I’m really good at what I do) On the other hand, I’m really bad at having patience with people that say they are professional but are not able to deliver physical practical proof of what they claim to be or say they do. I don't want to work with those people when money is involved period. And there's the catch. I'm part of a team and so are they!

In relation to that point, there were a lot of promises made by people in the past but not many kept. Especially if that meant that they had to take self-responsibility for agreements they made as the so-called professionals and there was/is money involved. And all that at the cost of themselves, other peoples time and energy and that of the client which is absolutely unacceptable!

Problem is that like with the ‘meaning’ of ‘words’ and ’word definitions’, every individual has their own projections on what they believe they are as a professional. Instead of taking the effort to investigate people that practically do what they say they do within that field to the required professional levels so they can align themselves and 'surpass clients expectations' (that's one of our ground rules).

In the 1900’s people had a ‘job description’. Some still have that and if so one should be worried. The job description in our industry (and many others) has long been replaced by ‘ones specific skillset’ and ‘experiences’. It was like that in advertising as long as I can remember. Simply because it’s not about your Diploma but your ‘creative output thus ability to make money’ for people.

You can learn some theory about Marketing and Branding but the things I apply that are effective, I have not learned in school. I had to commit to diving in deep and gather (painful) experiences. I had to start at the base and work my bleeding ass off to get to practical levels of professionalism.

I was lucky to make a lot of different career choices. It didn’t feel like that when I made them but in retrospect, all those different agency’s and a diverse collection of colleagues in the past taught me a lot. I have learned everything that matters in relation to my work on the Job as the Job!


What I saw happening within the company is that people were free to choose a definition for themselves. So I see one guy who is at his best a ‘desktop publisher’ starting to call himself an Art Director, I see someone who knows one or two things about marketing call himself a ‘Marketing Strategist’ etc.

I understand where this comes from but what I had to realize myself was that I can put any label on myself I want, as long as I am not expressing myself as that definition in what I do, people will see me not only as a ‘liar’ but also as ‘insecure’ because I pretend to be something that I am not.

This is creating heaps of friction within these people without them being aware of it because they are permanently confronted with what they can’t do instead of what they can do. Unconsciously these people are sabotaging themselves in their work by placing more on themselves than they are capable of making them less than they are in reality without being aware of it.

The fact people need to be able to define who they are is because they have to be able to explain to clients what their ‘added value’ is. The famous ‘elevator pitch’ you must be able to present at any given moment.

As a company, we have created our own catch 22 here. As a company, we claim to help companies grow by stating that ‘we are not going to give them what they ask for, but what they need’. In other words ‘we know better’.

That’s a bold claim that raises the stakes as well as the game. It means that if I call myself a ‘creative strategist’, I must be able to investigate and eventually understand all dynamics and dimensions of an organization and how to fuse that towards change in all possible ways for that company or organization based on specific goals or starting points of those companies/organizations.

Because I am an autodidact and I have worked in different fields I have gotten a rather broad perspective on what I do and it’s nice how that’s starting to support me 'big time' within what I specifically do. I molded that into a method for myself and that method is rock solid.

The first lesson I learned in Art School:

“INVESTIGATE IT BEFORE YOU CREATE IT"

At that point in time, I had no clue why this was so important. After almost 30 years in 'the business', I now understand this point inside out. If I want to come up with something that resembles a ‘game changer’ for a client, I have to dig deeper than the competition who is trying to do the same.

The problem we have created within our company by giving people this free choice means that they can now freely 'imagine' about their responsibilities and skills regarding what’s on their plate as 'projections to what is good' instead of investigating first who they are within and as their experience of ‘good’ which implies the use of investigation and reflection and most importantly, ‘self-honesty'.

So what to do if that process is not working and people don’t push themselves to get to this point of clarity with themselves, at the same time creating problems for others and the company as a whole. And most importantly, the ‘Brand Value’ we are building or loosing through this process of handling or mishandling competence in relation to our future goals as a brand?

Much (perhaps too much) has been discussed in the past four years. I get feedback that it's becoming a 'One Mike show' now and then, while I have been working my ass off to make it a musical where everyone sings the song they are supposed to sing so clients get what they expected to get! IT'S MY OWN FAULT. I thought I was helping my colleagues and I don't want them to have to go through the same hell I did? I see the point of 'you cannot help people that don't want to be helped'. But it's not only about what people 'want' it's also about what they 'need', and their practical physical obligations and integrity!*


I'm going to drastically limit myself here*


So something is not going well and that is a pattern that I have already decided to stop and only share myself when a co-worker specifically takes the effort of asking me personally.

Within that, I will continue to answer questions as I have always done as a former Art Director and now Creative-Strategist! And I answer them from the proposition we make as a company ‘that you do not always get what you ask for, but what you need’.

The only difference is that my colleagues now have to move through whatever resistance and come face to face with me and speak up or I will let them fail in their own process so they can learn as I have learned (‘hard way’). That's how it works with Mr. Physical.

The only big problem I see manifesting here is how to avoid mistakes leaving the building because people are free to export their irrational shit into the office of a client. The moment that happens, that free choice to fuck up has now become a company-wide problem that affects the integrity of the brand and the team we are?

- CHOOSE - (UNDER PRESSURE)
• DEUCE • JUICE • JEW’S


Pick out (someone or something) as being the best or most appropriate of two or more alternatives: he chose a seat facing the door: there are many versions to choose from.

• Decide on a course of action.
- Cannot choose but do something.
- Have no alternative to doing something.
- There is little (or nothing) to choose between.
- There is little to choose between the different methods.

ORIGIN
Old English cēosan, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch kiezen.

- KIEZEN -

1 beslissen welke persoon, voorwerp, activiteit enz.

- Men wil uit verschillende mogelijkheden kiezen. +- Het is kiezen of delen hoe moeilijk dat ook is.

• Bij een keus moet men afzien van andere mogelijkheden, al zijn die ook aantrekkelijk.

2 bij stemming aanwijzen: een voorzitter kiezen.

- DEUCE -

1 A thing representing, or represented by the number two.

2 Tennis the score of 40 all in a game, at which each player needs two consecutive points to win the game.

ORIGIN
late 15th century: from Old French deus ‘two’, from Latin duos.

- DUO -

1 A pair of people or things, especially in music or entertainment.

2 Music a duet: two duos for violin and viola.

ORIGIN
late 16th century (in sense 2): via Italian from Latin duo ‘two’.

- JUICE -

The liquid obtained from or present in fruit or vegetables.

- JEW'S -

a common fungus with a brown rubbery cup-shaped fruiting body, growing on dead or dying trees in both Eurasia and North America.

ORIGIN
mid 16th century: a mistranslation of medieval Latin auricula Judae ‘Judas's ear’, from its shape, and because it grows on the elder, which was said to be the tree from which Judas* Iscariot hanged himself.

- JUDAS* -

An Apostle; full name Judas Iscariot. He betrayed Christ to the Jewish authorities in return for thirty pieces of silver.

• A Judas. A person who betrays a friend or comrade:
She was called a Judas and a scab. *Or betraying yourself in the same context, your own Judas as the mind betraying myself (self-dishonesty) as the creator within and as, seeing my own physical reality.

POINTERS:

- Chosen
- Being the best or most appropriate of two or more alternatives.
- There are many versions to choose from.
- I’ll stay as long as I choose.

• Decide on a course of action.

- Cannot choose but do something.
- Have no alternative to doing something.
- There is little (or nothing) to choose between.
- There is little to choose between the different methods.

- Het is kiezen of delen hoe moeilijk dat ook is*
*
Kiezen impliceert vaak frictie. Het probleem met het maken van een keuze is de onmiddellijke weerstand die ontstaat nadat er is gekozen en de keuze moet worden omgezet naar de fysieke realiteit, als verandering van acties en gedrag).

• Bij een keus moet men afzien van andere mogelijkheden, al zijn die ook aantrekkelijk*
*
Afleiding zoeken inplaats van verantwoording nemen voor waar je mee wordt geconfronteerd als in REACTIE-VERMOGEN (gedrag aanpassen). Wel A ‘zeggen’ maar geen B ‘doen’!

- Bij stemming aanwijzen: een voorzitter kiezen*
*
Wie kiest de voorzitter en op basis van welke uitgangspunten worden deze keuzes gemaakt?

- A thing representing, or represented by, the number two.

Tennis the score of 40 all in a game, at which each player needs two consecutive points to win the game*
*
Omslagpunt, keuzemoment, gelijkspel, patstelling, status quo, stilstand, bezinning, gelijkspel.

- The tree from which Judas Iscariot hanged himself*
*
De sjaak zijn. De Judas. Ook verraad en verrader uit eigenbelang en gemakzucht.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally unstable as confusion, not seeing the construct I ran into while being faced with a co-worker going gaga because of running into his own limitations and within that I forgive myself for reacting as the professional instead of reacting with ‘no response’, seeing realizing that doing nothing or stepping back and take distance is also an action I have available.

More to come

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mikelammers
Posts: 194
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day-85-2019-02-27-The Web of Responsibility

Post by mikelammers »

Thanks Carlton

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... rXVhrfBP-o

Carlton states:

“An entanglement of problems is a web of responsibility”.

This hit home because I’m running into this point in relation to my ‘professional relationships’ at work at the moment. Seeing the point in reverse as how it’s playing out in my reality, where I am faced with people having to take responsibility but instead create entangled problems.

I also see that I have to address these points within myself because, as it states, An entanglement of problems is a web of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that taking on the point of solving problems also includes taking the responsibilities that are connected to these problems as probable solutions and the processes these require based on the causality underlying these constructs of inequality as energy radiating from and within the system as this permanent hysteria triggered by the time is money equation that enslaves us all because of this process of slow collapse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand as I was doing my best to help someone by giving ‘solid advice’ I was, in fact, dealing with a computer program that did not want that advice, kept rebooting and was programmed to react to my authority as my words and not to hear my words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write down the agreement I made with my colleague in order for both to have a clear starting point in writing and within that failed to see that from that point on the agreement was all ready broken by the anger and frustration as the relationship we had created by reacting towards each other in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired seeing that I have to walk this whole process specifically again in order to get to the nitty-gritty and refractions that remain within me regarding the relationship point

I forgive myself for not realizing that when people are emotional they are possessed and will not hear my words when I talk to them and within that I commit myself to remain neutral and be patient and wait till this person comes to me on his own terms with a clear and well-defined question in relation to the problem and possible solution and when not I commit myself to remain in that neutral state and let the physical take care of the persons personal process seeing that I can never match that power and I don’t need to at this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a situation for myself in which I gave away my own physical stability by participating in someones inner conflict regarding the point of ‘taking professional responsibility’, not seeing realizing that by not participating in these emotional play outs by giving rational feedback I was in fact only making it worse by feeding the emotional beast within this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a situation of friction in the system by not slowing myself down and breath and from there align myself with the system so I will enable myself to in the future be able to direct and participate in situations like these as me as part of the system to the best of my ‘professional’ abilities that are required for that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the ‘professional behavior of my colleagues personal as projections and comparisons in relation to my own ‘professional’ experience, seeing realizing that what I have as an experience, is not someone else’s experience or truth at that point in time.

I forgive myself that I have not taken enough time to slow myself down in real time within this moment and allow myself to come to the essence of the problem with myself, which is me reacting ‘professionally’ instead of ‘psychologically’ by not participating thus not reacting by stopping my participation within that moment immediately, seeing realizing that in these cases it’s not about how I participate but the fact that it’s me participating and what I represent as the trigger that stirs up personal trauma thus friction in that other person, related to their perceived limitations they put on themselves as ‘professionals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume people are able to take a professional stance not seeing realizing that in order to be able to do so one has to have walked the particular physical challenge in its totality as a professional and understand the point inside and out and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that this was in fact not the case with this colleague of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the catalyst for someone’s personal demons to come out related to insecurity as the personal resistance and projections of this person as frustration about himself as a professional projected towards me as anger and rage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that although I have a clear definition of who I want to be as a professional there will always be more and within that I forgive myself for letting my guard down within and as the agreement I have with myself to act professional not seeing realizing that to be professional also implies I have to learn my parts as I walk this journey with myself, and within that I see that this is simply part of the ‘breath by breath’ and ‘step by step. a process of rebirthing the system as I am walking this with my own mind and within that, I forgive myself for not aligning myself with that other person as that process of doing it step by step within and as professional alignment with and as the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that when I saw my colleague facing his own resistance to slow down and breath and ask myself the simple question ‘what is it I am facing here’?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react energetically as frustration the moment this colleague called me a ‘stupid prick’ albeit the fact I was seeing what was happening and within that, I commit myself to find the refractions that caused this reaction within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I understood what was going on when this played out, now seeing realizing that my ‘professional ego’ was having the better of me simply because I would have responded differently If that was not case

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my professional ego get the better of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and project logic and common sense on people seeing realizing that it took me years to get even a glimpse of what that entails and within that I forgive myself for manifesting myself as superior professional knowledge triggering an inferior reaction and within that I forgive myself for becoming a part of the problem as polarity instead of part of the solution as stability and balance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project incompetence to failing in front of clients

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear our client's judgments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the psychological complexity of the interactions taking place within and as the energy resonating from the commercial and industrial complex/system as total hysteria, seeing realizing that in order to keep myself grounded I have to become even more aware of my space-time reality when I am surrounded with people in this realm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that when all points are discussed and I have asked people for feedback and there isn’t any, that it’s all good, now seeing realizing that people have relationships with their anger and frustration towards me and that what I on their plate as responsibility is thus under the influence of these irrational patterns and reactions of the mind making it even harder for those people to push themselves through their resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe everyone knows what’s on their plate after they have been briefed by me or have received a briefing, within that realizing that if they don’t write out their own interpretations and perspectives on paper for me to read back I will never be able to cross reference my own assumptions regarding this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become energetically charged the moment I went to my office and opened this Google presentation document seeing that it was (as my mind projected) expected) not presentable and done with no attention to detail and substance and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort of trying to communicate that in a way that would have harvested results and probably a small step my colleague could have walked through his own resistance.

I commit myself to slow myself down and breath in order to give myself the opportunity to create space and time for myself to create enough awareness regarding my alignment with other people when they start speaking about their emotions, thoughts and feelings as verbal diarrhea as the resistance of the mind regarding taking practical and physical responsibility seeing realizing that when I don’t take action there will be a reaction, often personal and aggressive making the process of diffusing professional moments of friction even harder.

When and as I see myself confronted with people in the commercial/industrial systems I slow myself down and bring myself here as my physical awareness and within that, I commit myself to count to ten and BREATH

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