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mikelammers
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31 03 2012-2012 Am I a symbol of exclusiveness?

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:04

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/03 ... eness.html

In holland when a boy and a girl decide to 'go steady' they often state:

"het is aan" (it's on).

It's like both decide that the product is 'branded' good enough to be marketed and sold to the public. Growing up this 'being on' became 'I am in a relationship'. Within that the people around me would then ask if I was 'going steady?'. In other words, do you fuck around or not? Either way it shows we have a hard time determining what a relationship is in the first place. It ranges from 'we are madly in love' to 'being fuck buddies to 'we fuck each other up'. Whatever name we give this dependency upon being with someone, It clearly needs to have a label! People apparently need to be able to tell other people what sex symbol it is I am involved inn.

In this world based on pictures as labels you produce a code for everything you do and are involved inn. And because we spend most of our time with other people that's where the most labels are printed. I am alone, homosexual, active inactive, related unrelated, heterosexual, married within an open relationship able to fuck around or as Facebook states "it's complicated".

If the above is true or false doesn't even matter. Fore all I know I could be secretly spanking elderly women in my basement. If I confirm to the archetype picture of being financially stable and in a steady relationship preferable with a beautiful 'intelligent' woman, everything around me will become kind of fluid and mellow. Is that how it's supposed to be? Is this where we 'think' we feel most comfortable. Is that how it's supposed to be? Looking at the animals it makes perfect sense.

I have been in and out relationships enough to know what happens as we go through the phases. Very soon after entering the initial stages I will stop questioning the world around me for the larger part. Who benefits from the fact I do this? Why is it that most women suddenly have a child wish? Why do men fear this? Why is it that relationships are often labeled as 'hard work' and 'compromise'. That you have to endure and to give and take. Be solid as a rock, celebrating 25 years of marriage. Why do I have to congratulate people with 25 years of marriage? Did they sacrifice a lim to the gods or something? What is it they did I have to salute? They got married and it was their own choice to voluntarily do so in the first place. Do I send my best wishes to Apple after they successfully merge with Microsoft? What the fuck am I missing?

Isn't it strange? Placing myself completely outside this turmoil and the first thing I notice is loneliness! Like being in a spaceship cirkling the globe. In my life the moment I was not in a relationship my mind would start projecting the perspective of being in one instantaneous. So are relationships addictions? Do I ad myself on to some thing. Am I the ad on.

I can distract myself from this point with other substance like drugs or sports or whatever habit would distract me from my secret mind that is constantly urging me to look at and react to every fuckable person I see. This will not resolve itself. I have accepted and allowed myself to become part of the big pool of sex and relationships in this world.

Amongst other things I was talking about this stuff with someone and within this conversation the person related to her situation where she wanted to be 'exclusive' with a person. For me this was just another way of her saying she wanted to 'go steady' with whatever exclusive fuck it may be. The word exclusive didn't hit me until later as I started to ponder on it. Why not call it 'a lover', 'a fucker', 'a buddy? Why ask a person to be 'exclusive'? Why do I want a person to be exclusive?

exclusive |ikˈskloōsiv|
adjective

1 excluding or not admitting other things : my exclusive focus is on San Antonio issues.

• unable to exist or be true if something else exists or is true : these approaches are not exclusive; many students will combine them | mutually exclusive political views.

• (of terms) excluding all but what is specified.

2 restricted or limited to the person, group, or area concerned : the couple had exclusive possession of the condo | the jaguar and puma are exclusive to the New World.

• (of an item or story) not published or broadcast elsewhere : an exclusive interview.

• (of a commodity) not obtainable elsewhere : exclusive designer jewelry.

3 catering or available to only a few, select persons; high class and expensive : an exclusive Georgetown neighborhood.

4 [ predic. ] ( exclusive of) not including; excepting : prices are exclusive of tax and delivery.

noun
an item or story published or broadcast by only one source.

DERIVATIVES
exclusiveness noun
exclusivity |ˌekskloōˈsivitē| noun

ORIGIN late 15th cent. (as a noun denoting something that excludes or causes exclusion): from medieval Latin exclusivus, from Latin excludere ‘shut out’ (see exclude ).


Fascinating
My professional background is advertising and marketing so for me the word 'exclusive' is connected to value. From my perspective more exclusive means more expensive. In business exclusivity agreements strengthen certain business relationships at the exclusion of others. Frequently a company that's strong in its sector will contract with a crucial part of its supply chain, or team up with a powerful player in another market, to create dominance within a certain territory. In any event, exclusivity agreements help the predators establish a 'territory' and kill more prey. It's the capitalists playing nice with the system. The same system where it's very convenient for 'the exclusive' that the masses behave like wildebeest in a herd. Let's look at this from a few business models/perspectives as in relationships. First up there is:

Identification
An exclusivity agreement as a contract between two or more entities to exclusively deal with each other regarding a specific area of business. It usually doesn't establish a relationship between two businesses, but rather takes it to the next level of commitment. An exclusivity agreement can also exist between two people in regard to some sort of business intercourse they will share together.

Features
The essential feature of an exclusivity agreement is the covenant to not engage in a particular business activity with other parties for a specified period of time. The agreement usually restricts only one of the parties. This typically occurs in vertical buyer/seller relationship where a buyer agrees to buy exclusively from the seller. Or a manufacturer could agree to ship its products through only a certain distributor. Less common is the bilateral agreement that puts conditions on both parties.

Types
In addition to buyer/seller relationships, exclusivity agreements sometimes come into play during business acquisitions. Because there can be heated competition and competing bids for a company, an acquiring company that makes progress in negotiations can have its target sign an exclusivity agreement preventing it from entertaining other offers from competitors. Individuals may enter into an exclusivity agreement when they agree to list their house exclusively with a real estate agency.

Function
Exclusivity agreements create stability in a business relationship, which in turn provides predictability. The ability to foresee future costs and project business relationships is crucial to operating a large company. An exclusivity agreement shuts out competition, which tends to let costs stabilize and allows for a confident and efficient allocation of noncapital resources.

Considerations
Within an exclusivity agreement there may be other terms, such as confidentiality, access to relevant data and conditions for termination. Once two businesses get in bed together, they may become privy to information about each other that could be valuable to the competition. But, at the same time, a certain level of cooperation might be necessary to maximize the synergy of the two companies. The exclusivity agreement can be tailored to the needs of the moment as well as future inevitabilities. Sometimes the agreement can be broken at any time, but with a penalty. In other cases it might be periodically renegotiated, or terminated upon certain conditions.

This is how I see where this is going. It will be business as usual unless I make my starting point one and equal within what is best for all. The practical point to walk would be an equality agreement within an unequal reality. Which is impossible. So at this point in space and time within a 'relationship' it would require two people to live two lives in space and time. One would be equal with one another. The other would require a definition and a spot where one would walk within the territory of predators in complete separation.

From all these perspectives and my experiences from the past I can only keep reminding myself to see reality as all of us struggling to be exclusive within standard fucknesslessness.



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15 04 2012-Day 001-Fear of commitment

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:05

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/04 ... tment.html

Yesterday as a group it was decided that from now on we will write a little everyday.

FROM NOW ON I WILL COMMIT MYSELF TO WRITE EVERYDAY, NO EXCUSES.

Is that realistic? Can I get this into a practical agreement with myself? Do I even dare to consider doing this. Damn it's scares me all ready. This is a great opportunity to expose myself more to others as I walk this process of birthing myself as life by sharing who I am as my mind as what I have accepted and allowed to become 'me'.

Simply this point of willing myself to do this comes with a lot of anxiety. I fear to commit myself to this point that will be there every day. A point that will confront me with the way I commit myself and lack there of. This time it will be visible to the public. No hiding so if I fail it will be a public fail. That's fear of being judged by others. There is shame, ego fear of failure. All those points open up within this single point of a daily commitment of sharing myself. I also fear that my words and the way they are placed are not 'good' enough. That I have to perform adding another pressure point to be managed in daily life that is sheer pressure as it is.

On the other hand this is a great opportunity to reveal the true nature of who I have become within those points. Points that exist within others as well. This could actually assist others as lot's of writings by fellow Destonians have assisted me greatly. Because this is a daily commitment it will show me acting or not acting within this agreement. Within these writings I will focus on one point during my day and apply Self forgiveness on that point. My first point is fear of commitment and this is a cool point because I wasn't consistent in my writings let alone my self forgiveness anyhow. So that's out. Giving into resistance is a major point to face for everyone. For me it 'feels' like the same resistance I had doing my homework as a kid. Looking for all possible ways to not do that daily shit and get it over with.

It's like Dr. Ferrari said; "Telling someone who procrastinates to buy a weekly planner is like telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up". Well knowing that depression is just another form of procrastination as I accept and allow the mind to rule my emotions. I see it's time to address these points like I addressed other points in my life. It's time to pick up the pace and walk as 'we' walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear committing myself to this agreement of writing every day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future
I forgive myself for fearing myself within the point of self reflection as who I am within my actions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear public reaction and opinion towards my writings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sensor my writings in order to project a better image or picture presentation of myself within my writings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing these self forgiveness statements knowing they will reveal the true nature of who I am and have become.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistance as tiredness seeing it's my mind instead of real physical tiredness



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16 04 2012-Day 002-Irritated

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:06

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/04 ... tated.html

The point that really stood out today was irritation. I accepted and allowed myself to become irritated. Irritation creates a lot of friction so I really sabotaged myself today. I'm not working at home at the moment. I'm on location and so is my equipment. Today felt like everything was amplified. Noise was louder, light was brighter and time seemed to move faster. I'm now well into the fourth week of being fully emerged in quite stressful work with permanent deadlines and impulses around me.

It's interesting to observe the impact this bowl of energy around me is having on me. It's permeating my skin. Sometimes I can even feel temperature changes in my skin. I cannot run from it or shield myself against it. The combination of work and keeping stable as breath is something I have yet to master. Its like swimming where I have moments on the surface and then it's back down and being submerged in work to get shit done. In the process this pattern is becoming visible. It's an old pattern. It's the nine to nine pattern I had for a long time where I in the morning kind of merge with my work and the computer programs and come out of this trip at around nine o clock at night within this energetic buzz.

I'm working and my head will start spinning, my body is tensed up, my breathing is higher and last but not least there is this luring feeling of irritation. Its like being hooked with a thousand hooks and hanged from the ceiling. Locked into my place behind the computer calibrated to spin with the system and produce output. Feeling that whole energetic buzz creeping in and slowly eating me up. Today around 16.00 hours I couldn't keep my eyes open. I wanted to get out, go home get air but I couldn't because I have an agreement with myself to not give into resistance. And this was resistance for sure. It came to a point where I felt so tired I wanted to lay myself down on the floor. I knew it had to be resistance. My mind was looking for back doors to get me out and presenting me with this tiredness was one of them. It worked great because I really felt like I was done. At that moment my brother (who's also there) said "stop, let's play"

If you wonder why a lot of advertising agencies have soccer tables. It's because of this point. It's a means to an end. You go to the table and you simply create a shortcut to silence the mind through playing a fierce physical game of table soccer. So that's what I did and it helped me create that little space from where I was able to become stable and get my shit done. It's always the obvious shit that I miss indeed. So here is a great tip. In case of mental sabotage presenting itself as resistance were one becomes tired. Stop and do something physical. Jump, trow a ball, walk or ride a bike. It works!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by giving into resistance presented by my mind as tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink more coffee than I had agreed upon with myself making it harder to remain stable within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my body the sleep it needed last night resulting in a less stable thus not preferable situation where I support myself by doing my work efficiently thus saving time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and expressing that irritation orally thereby making others part of my problem which is unacceptable as I should be an example as movement. Whereby I'm moving myself trough those particular points of resistance without any drama or emotion thus not giving the ego of the mind what it wants which is self limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself as judging myself as incompetent or not capable of changing my behavior that presented itself as tiredness at the same time realising this tiredness was resistance



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30 04 2012-Day 003-All and Nothing

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:07

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/04 ... thing.html

Met up with a friend yesterday. He's called 'All'. All and I have a strange relationship. Sometimes he's very supportive where he's assisting me to get things done quick and effectively. All helped me in a lot of cases where I needed to get things done. Where I had to move stuff in my life. He helped me get my work done, make decisions, build stuff, tell jokes, come on to women, defend myself, brainstorm, produce ideas and solutions, sports, school, relationships. All helped me to define myself in this life. All had a profound influence on my personality as 'good' friends do.

All seldom bails out of a challenge unless it's in his own best interest. In those cases friends sometimes loose touch as they say. In those cases All shows me his last name 'Nothing'. Exceptions aside All was and is always there to the point of being 'übercool'. 'But' I 'know' that nothing can be über if there isn't an under! So as with all good friends, the better you know them the more you see them and their bullshit. And you take the bullshit. What else can you do? You are friends remember.

So like all friends All has that other side. That side I call 'Nothing'. That's where our friendship is tested to the limit. That's where I have to assist him because in those moments All will not move, communicate, react, respond. All becomes the expression of a mineshaft. Nothing I say, think, or do will change that Nothingness of All. The more I try the more All will burry himself and me with him. All will be dead weight. That's when I become very emotional within my reactions to All. This shows me that when All is Nothing I get confused. I panic because I don't know what to do. I'm out of control because I lost control. I have no tools, nothing to fall back on to change the situation. I'm there helpless and stuck with Nothing.

Those moments where All becomes Nothing are highly unstable experiences for me. Nothing to hold on to or to fall back on. Helplessness becomes panic. Self movement grinds to a halt and the only thing I want to do is run. Disappear and dissolve. In those moments I'm loosing my mind as it is my mind that freaks out, looses control. At this stage I'm fucked within reality because I exist within a state of fear without any stability. I'm exposed as fear and totally vulnerable. Normally All would be there to bail me out but he's not here and I am stuck with Nothing on top of that.

When my mindstorms finally settle and I dare to take a self honest look in the mirror to face myself within those points of fear as panic and instability where I judge myself as the coward that ran. I see that there is no point in maintaining a relationship with All (or Nothing for that matter). That this relationship is based on abuse from the beginning. That neither All nor Nothing can be trusted unless my starting point is equal and one with both of them. Only then will I establish a relationship with us as a group that is based on a principle that is best for all of us.


-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unstable within performing my planned tasks at hand

- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within wanting to perform within a time limit instead of gently and thoroughly go trough the process of working towards the desired result creating a deadline and chaos instead of substance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself knowing that that same pressure is what is going to fuck with me within the tasks at hand thus sabotaging myself before I even begin working on the tasks at hand

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not check myself sufficiently during my process of completing a task thus allowing myself to drift of into the mind as distraction into other dimensions instead of remaining here as breath completing the task at hand

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear opinion and judgement of others and within that judging myself and my output in comparison and or separation to/from others instead of looking at my judgement within the points I have in common with others and walk from there to see and learn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others within their expression as language as the placement of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow myself down and take a step back before I accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed/engulfed in energy thus loosing myself within and as instability and inefficiency resulting in chaos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and compare my writings and expression in connection to performance within the point of winners and losers because I see that this is bullshit where I accept and allow my mind to present my self honest efforts as a game of some sort making it acceptable to bend the rules because that is the essence of gameplay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to step back and correct myself within taking a break during work because taking a break has nothing to do with not performing and can in fact increase my performance if it's done in self honesty because taking a step back and pause can create a broader perspective within the point of seeing the bigger picture.



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02 05 2012-Day 004-All astray

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:09

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/05 ... stray.html

All ash trays - ashes to ashes - dust to dust - Am I?
I was a serious believer in a 'god almighty' and within that I loved to debate about god and his creation with people. On Facebook I keep running into believers and sometimes I find myself in a conversation with a religious person although I urge myself to avoid those. Religious people tend to monolog and advertise religion instead of debating and reasoning about what they actually state as the truth so help them god. What's fascinating and stands out for me when speaking with most religious people is how they answer straight questions. Or should I say 'do not'. Yesterday I responded to a few religious one-liners someone placed online and this whole thing opened up. I reacted because the words 'lost souls' where used which are demons from a christian perspective as they where from my perspective. This is what was placed:

If you can save even one lost soul
Your name is on his attendance roll
If you can truly learn to be his guide
His mercy will flow from his wounded side
If you maintain to be a peace maker
He will forever be your caretaker
If you remain in his love of all things above
His spirit will surely come and rest upon you like a dove

My response was:
How do I dentify a soul and within that a lost one? How can I save that which is all ready lost? How can I make peace if peace cannot exist because we exist in separation? Why do people avoid the tough questions that would require oneself to rethink and change believes?


You are toughly prejudiced...have to change to be convinced...you need an identification...of God's justification...then you will never exist in separation...I cannot change my belief...which turns my distress into relief...it is purely a matter of choice...things will change when you get to hear his voice ...for the lord forces himself on none...his loving kindness draws towards him his people one by one...!!!

[me]
If you cannot change a believe you are stuck in your mind and highly manipulatable. That's the whole construct that is used within elitism within the world system where a few profit from the many as Jezus explained as he was not a religion! We believe he is and made him into one. This brought us evil because from that moment we where locked within the mind [as religion]. The only way to set yourself free is to do as Jezus did and become the living word instead of a follower of believes!
See for yourself where you place yourself within your own words as a believer that refuses to question his own believes. Do I teach that construct to my children than what will happen? What do you say to a child raised by the wolves? Is that child guilty or innocent? What does not speak your language do you separate that from who you think you are?

Only I am able within self honesty to see how I exist within my own words and deeds and constructed believes and lies. Within that I will never be able to see my own constructs if I am living as them. Remember we where born within a program without believes so where do believes come from? Who is it that accept and allows what we believe? These are real questions one needs to take responsibility for towards oneself before believing what so ever! Questions that trigger resistance are always fear and fear is the sole reason why people believe! Jezus showed us what happens if you brake that chain. None of us within whatever believe system is braking that chain hence the state of hope we are in. Hope lives in the mind!


There seems to be a self contradiction...there seems to a fear in a change of your situation...if you say fear is the sole reason to believe...I can truly conceive to perceive...because the fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom...without his righteousness no one can see his kingdom...I think myself to be a child of God... chosen and adopted by his own accord...we have a hope of a life even after death...because Jesus is alive and living today we need to breathe in his breath...!!!

[me]
What is fear of the lord more than fear of some-thing you believe? As you believe you are a child of god and hope of a life after death because Jezus is alive. Let's stay with the facts here. Jezus is dead our believes of him are alive. Your believes keep you alive, are they life? To be a child of 'god' makes you a child of this world (OUR CREATION) A world of separation. Hoping the past will come in the future within the mind as hope is completely denying what is here as our reality which is separation through believes. What a-fortunate-lie, is reality.

I commit myself to breath here within reality to remain here in this moment and not lose myself within the mind where I become victim of my own projections that become accepted and allowed believes I will manifest as personality instead of living action.


I beg to differ here...my conceptions are very clear...If Jesus were dead as you want to say...life would be chaotic people running wild in their own wickedness falling astray...we have learned to trust and obey...Oh lord may thy will be done not mine as you have your way...!!!
Faith is important for man to be going...without faith and hope I find no reason to be living...!!!
I live my life by saying "it could have surely been worse"...and that rids me of every strand of curse...!!!

[Me] (at this point starting to feel reactions within myself as irritation)
You refuse to look at reality as it is . We have learned to trust and obey all right. The question is what happened after that? Is creation what you describe it to be? Is life balanced and equal? Is creation an expression of enjoyment where all have equal means to express themselves without friction and conflict? To turn your words into a mirror. Life is chaotic, people are possessed and wickedness RULES the world as competition and within that we are all astray!

- [wasn't that what Jesus demonstrated so dramatically?] -

To believe you are an exception is an absolute elitist acceptance which makes sense because you have a solid and boxed believe which you place outside the realm of reality where only you as personality as perception exist. It's not complicated. Believe is not real. Reality is real. Or If reality is real our believes can not be. We tend to overcomplicate the obvious because we fear.


Even the Bible gives a true revelation...Satan is ruling the world who denies this conviction...he is crouching at the door ...with his craftiness for people to devour...if people were all made to be equal standing on the same footage...with similar faces of one heritage...wouldn't there be more of chaos and utter confusion...without any recognition or identification...I would dare to challenge for all look alike to make a striking position...jealousy will eat them like a vicious snake...then life can never have a replay neither a retake...!!!

[me]
Now read what you just wrote. Projecting statements from the past onto the future totally avoiding the present. More chaos less chaos. One Adam two Adams! Eve would have children! So according to you, suffering is acceptable because your believes make it quantifiable? I bit more for him and less for her because the bible tells you too. The all forgiven god seems to keep a shadow account. A newborn dying of aids can only be justified within cultist or brainwashed believes. Common sense would rule out any justification. In reality it make no sense. If an all forgiven god would exist this example proofs the god is not all forgiven and I'm brainwashed to the point I will abuse others in the name of faith. To know water is to know ice as god and satan are the two sides of a single believe. To accept one you have to accept the other for they would not exist within equality!

STOP

etc. etc. If I didn't stop myself here, this religious ping pong could last for years. So I'm going to look at my reactions and see where I reacted because reaction equals the things I fear myself. First of all there is the general irritation I feel because straight questions do not get straight answers. I know christians who dare to say "I don't know". Which is a brave statement coming from a any fundamentalist believer. So it irritates me when I ask a question and that question is totally ignored. In other words no joint effort is made to find reason within the claims that are made. It almost always ends with: Yes but I believe…. Those words kills all reason and stand for total denial of what is here they take only the one who speaks them into consideration confronting me with the total possession of that person within and as his religious believes.

I always assumed that religion was to search for god. To search for meaning. To have questions answered. Because that's what religions do. They answer questions. Specific questions. I used to respect men of faith and their so called dedication. Dedication to what? I completely overlooked the fact that all religions dedicate themselves to and within a confined space. They set points of value. Points of interest. All within a simple mathematical equation that if you have lots of assets you have greater chance of making profit. By now we all know why the top of a pyramid has only one stone and that stone is covered in gold with only the heavens above. The rest is of no importance! The more power you collect the more momentum you gain the more you collect. A snowball never rolls uphill.

We are part of and inside a religious community or value system or box or culture or cult. We all reach planes of religious boxes in our life. In those moments you have little options. Remember the first time you realized there would come a time you would be old and grey and sick and where going to die of old age looking like a raisin? Same point. Within a system one move from one conception to deception to another. As with all believe systems one either leave the box which will allow one to look at the box, or one stay in the box and one doesn't. It's up too our god given 'free will' to decide. How is that for 'free' and 'will'? Within the box it's warm and things are orderly. The box is comfortable and you don't feel hungry. What we don't seem to realize is that all believes are one big box. The torture never stops. We are boxed in and as we live our lives in this chicken run that suffers beyond imagination we slowly pick away at the other chicks watched by the farmer without questioning our believes in regards to this hand that seems to feed us. It's the boiling frog equation.

The beautiful lie always wins from the honest truth because we all want food, a chicken run and a quick painless death. Hopefully we will live happily ever after, joined by angels or 666 virgins or heaps of Ganja or whatever picture presentation reward is waiting for me in 'THE FUTURE'. I realized I have to be aware of anything or any one that makes a promise or proposition towards the future starting with my own mind. Where is my future without me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in a 'better' future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a better future to god

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe god is responsible for my future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that for me to have it better someone else will be worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that god and satan can only exist because I accepted and allowed myself to believe in one of them creating the other in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create all kinds of projections regarding god and the heavens without ever realizing I was doing this all in my mind while earth was here to ground me all the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my ideas and concepts of god on to other people even my child without realizing I never knew if anything I claimed had anything to do with reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am responsible for teaching my child there cannot be anything bigger than you if you cannot factually see it and experience it within this physical reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my hopes and prayers would be answered by some thing I never proved to be real for myself within common sense in this reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents for not teaching me about reality not realizing that they where brainwashed by their parents as we are all brainwashed by our parents

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that school thought me about reality while in fact they only showed me the way to behave within the system not revealing the true nature of who I am as humanity which is a manipulative self centered species that will lie and deceive to get what it want's no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to train myself in the art of manipulation becoming the epiphany of manipulation towards the world around me in order to get things my way not realizing I was becoming my own prisoner within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as and become the most important thing in this world making it almost impossible for myself to place myself one and equal with others no matter what they did or are doing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not test my believes trough physical action in reality in order to experience their validity and transform them into practical knowledge instead of believes



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27 05 2012-Day 005-Fearing the Being sick

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:10

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/05/being-sick.html

Over the last few days I felt illness manifesting inside my body. I felt increasingly weaker, couldn't concentrate well. I got a sore throat and nose. A tooth pain developed that crawled up behind my nose and right eye which became a permanent headache. It was weekend so I didn't make a great deal out of it thinking it could be anything. The pollen in the air, a stress release. However as the days past I allowed myself to become more and more unstable and somewhere down the line I felt fear.

I see myself lying in bed on painkillers with this pain in the background waiting till the drugs wear of. I see myself wondering if the pain will be gone by the time I have to get back to work because I will not be able to do my work in this condition. At this point I see myself lying in bed sick making projections about the future out of fear related to work thus money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make projections about the future while being in bed feeling sick.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pain connected to being ill
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling physically uncomfortable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unstable and unfocused caused by physical illness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect weakness to illness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ability to concentrate to being healthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make projections about the future out of fear because of being ill instead of standing one and equal with my physical discomfort breathing and allowing the pain to tell it's story.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being ill as a mind trick to procrastinated jobs at hand



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mikelammers
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28 05 2012-Day-006-Who am I within the word stability?

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:11

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/05 ... ility.html

I'm having great difficulty picking myself up and then move myself towards self honest self reflection. It wasn't always like that. So is it because I start to see the true nature of who I am as ego within self reflection. Is it because I see that self reflection is not some spiritual trip but factual physical labour without any soothing or comforting elements. That self reflection in the true sense of the word means taking self responsibility for everything I have created which is an overwhelming realisation to begin with. There is no ego satisfaction within self honesty thus everything as self support now meets resistance as ego. It's the unknown for me as real physical resistance. I don't feel stable anymore because I see that stability as being able to believe I am is not real. Stability in my world is about money.

Does stability exist or is it a concept? How have I defined stability? Who am I within the word stability? The same goes for what is happening in my life. Have I defined stability as being in control? Where can stability be found? How do I create stability? 'Stability' I cannot find a better definition than 'money'. In my life in this world 'stability' equals money and because some have more than others there will never be stability thus I will never know real stability unless all are stable within the point of money. Do I want all to be stable? Yes. That's why I commit myself to an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within and as financial instability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within the point of being self responsible for making my own money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within the realization I have to walk alone within the point of money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking self responsibility for my financial future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not voice my fears about money in self honesty instead ridiculing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at my fears in specificity and the places they originate from.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate my fears instead suppressing and/or ridiculing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about my fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting sick as a consequence of suppressing fear within and as stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unable to work because of being sick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/act as more than the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown that will emerge after I let go of what I have defined myself as that is of ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death as the deconstruction of my personality as my accepted believes, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the change taking place within standing up and moving myself as physical action to change my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reactions towards me as I change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my relationships will change as I change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking within myself and this reality from a self honest perspective as my own creation as reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the point of taking self responsibility for what
I see as my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as cold and without humbleness realizing seeing and understanding that this humbleness has to be reconstructed after I deconstruct the coping mechanism I experience as apathy within myself and this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that wanting to be more than the physical as the mind can only happen within the mind and thus can never be real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the concept of mind over matter seeing realizing and understanding that matter only change through words lived as physical action

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take physical action when seeing points I can change instantly by simply doing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and approach writing myself out as an obligation instead of a gift to self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that seeing points to face within daily life have something to do with intellect or being smart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that being able to apply common sense is some sort of special talent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as stupid, not smart, dumb, and thus do not deserve to be part of the group seeing, realizing that this is self sabotage because it's within physical action where I define myself as someone who is walking with the pack or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to me the gift of writing myself out as a daily physical action where I confront myself with resistance in order to push trough the resistance

I see realize and understand that this is a process of action followed by action and the less 'mind' is involved the faster I will be able to walk my steps towards birthing myself as life

I commit myself to stay focussed on pushing myself towards more physical action within the point of not waisting time and being efficient

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge points within reality as small or insignificant seeing realizing and understanding that nothing is too small or insignificant if I include all and thus what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore physical signs of stress as pain within my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or my actions as stupid or insignificant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into distractions of the mind and within that not giving myself the one and only solution which is physical action as not accepting and allowing myself to give into distraction and fucking write myself out whatever mambo jambo it will be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at all of reality which includes my fears and uncertainties

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for every aspect of my daily reality and to think I'm incapable of directing my life and overcoming my fears



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mikelammers
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29 05 2012-Day-007-I'm a cannibal

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:13

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/05 ... nibal.html

I woke up before my alarm clock. It was 05.10 this morning and the first thought that ran trough my mind was, 'that's less than 5 hours of sleep'. I realized that this was my first thought of the day and it was about value lol. So I breath brought myself back where I was. In bed relaxed. Birds where whistling outside. I became aware of my body. The state of relaxation my body was in and the tension in certain muscles because I played with the dog yesterday. As I opened my eyes listening to hundreds of birds twittering away outside I smiled because of the bizarre loudness they produced.

Then my mind switched on like a machine gun. I was not awake for longer then 30 seconds and thoughts about work ahead of me today started firing. As soon as this happened I noticed I was no longer here listening to the birds. Electricity as tension came up from my stomach and from there it spread into and over my entire body. My body went from fluidly relaxed to static magnetic within seconds as I focussed on the pictures in my mind related to the work that lay ahead of me today.

I thought about where I left my work last week and where I would have to pick it up today and how to get things done without getting completely drained and be able to work on another assignment I have at home. I allowed myself to go from awareness here in my bed listening to the birds to a projection in my mind projecting myself behind my computer a few hours from now drowned in my daily activities. I went from relaxed to complete tension within seconds and I noticed what this did to my body. It was quite a horrible experience and I realize I must do this almost every day when I wake up and switch on as the mind.

The moment I start thinking, me here becomes me there in the mind as thoughts connecting to images generating emotions as energy. In this case negative energy as stress I could feel manifesting in my body very clearly. All thoughts related to my responsibilities in daily life that relate to survival. It's where I experience fear as self judgement. Fear of not getting things done in time. Fear of underperforming. Fear of being judged. Fear I might loose what I have. Fear to loose as not to win. Not being 'good enough', efficient enough. Al this within the first sixty second after waking up into a body that was relaxed and I'm allowing it to go into complete tension becoming overpowered by the bombardment of energy generated by the mind as my fears.

This 3 dimensional tension, hardly noticeable but it's there and it's within every muscle of my body. So this is what happens to me as I go from the physical to the mind. I slowly kill myself as this subtle tension I allow to creep into my body. Me as the mind poisoning my physical body. Is this is how I kill my body slowly but surely as stress? Is this the slow suicide I accept and allow to become my daily reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my amount of sleep as to much or to little

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to become aware of my physical body within the physical when I wake up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the gift of a relaxed body the moment I wake up and start my day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to wake up into reality, instead wandering of into the mind the moment I wake up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project thoughts, ideas and emotions onto my day within my mind instead of becoming aware of my physical body when I wake up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let stress enter my body when I wake up which decreases my flexibility thus making me less flexible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear as projections within my mind manifest as stress hormones within my body knowing they will eventually make me sick and kill me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my responsibilities become projections of fear related to failure before I am aware of my physical body when I wake up

I commit myself to check my physical body the moment I wake up. To breath and bring myself here as the first action after waking up because I see realize and understand that it is my mind that is addicted to energy that's consuming my physical body.



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mikelammers
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30 05 2012-I talk to much

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:13

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/05 ... -much.html

I have been in this situation so often it's becoming ridiculous. I have to take this point by the balls because it's starting to really bug the hell out of me. Ok, first of all it's painful to admit that I talk 'too much'! Yes I'm that person that starts talking and then you wonder what the fuck is this guy going on about? I'm the fucker that usually spoils the 'party'. Taxi we are leaving? I start and don't stop. I'm capable of having a conversation and then start monologging like a villain to a superhero. I'm aware I'm doing this. However I keep talking. WTF! Why is it that I know I talk too much? And why is my ego interfering at the moment. Because I didn't gave a perfect presentation of myself. I was not the man I wanted to present. I wanted to be something I'm not (yet). I didn't want to be that guy that talked to much. I don't even know if the person enjoyed my company. Could be or not be. Whatever the case I talked too much and I don't feel good about it and that is an emotional response so let me investigate that shit.

I know some people tend to find me interesting enough to start a conversation. I'm not rich, so they are not after my money. The looks? Don't think so. I don't have to hide myself but Tom Ford has nothing on me. All I know is that I have a mode where I talk to fucking much. Why? See me. Here I am. I have a voice. I do exist. I have an opinion. I'm capable of understanding fairly complex concepts so I'm not stupid. I like your companionship now let me entertain you so you be entertained. Don't leave your seat and please stay for the second act. Don't leave me in this empty theater called my restless mind where I don't know what to do with myself. I might have an overwhelming urge to present myself but I have a big enough inferiority complex to use as an excuse. Sorry that's how I am, can't help myself now let me be and swarm in self doubt, sorry, self reflection. That sounds much more grown up doesn't it you innocent ego you are.

I had a very pleasant encounter with another dog owner. We let the dogs play around and as we where sitting by the water listening to our dog stories we talked about dogs and we where enjoying the expression of the dogs playing around. It soon became clear that we had a openness we shared towards one another because It was very easy to talk. I didn't experience the reservedness I mostly encounter when I meet people in public. Often people are closed up and don't want to share themselves and it's a robotic hello, nice weather and goodbye. So as we talked it soon became clear we had some things in common. I was invited for coffee so we walked to her house where the conversation continued. We both are from the same village and it became clear we are related as family. Which explained the resonance I felt with this person. However as more and more facts where shared I somehow ignored the energy surge within me that came up as enthusiasm. I accepted and allowed myself to switch into that personality of myself as the orator telling stories because I want to tell the stories. I became A blabbering waterfall of verbal entertainment diarrhea. This person might have had a different experience I am absolutely sure I allowed myself to get possessed. I gave myself a finger and I had to take the whole hand.

So I cant help myself. Mmmmm. Well I can actually. Fuck! I have al the tools at my disposal. I can count to ten, breath, listen and observe myself. Why de fuck did that go down the drain tonight? I made a mistake (again) how to take the next take?

To be continued



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mikelammers
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31 05 2012 Day-008-Advanced negotiating skills

Postby mikelammers » 03 Jun 2012, 21:15

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.nl/2012/05 ... s-and.html

So I'm looking at this mind possession where I start to talk and talk and talk. A simple question like; "is it raining outside?" will become a speech about low pressure zones and humidity. Talking for the sake of talking. Where I miss a point and allow myself to start making this horrible noise and drift off into this strange dimension spewing out knowledge and information causing the weather to change.

All this chaos instead of saying; "yes it's raining outside".

I know someone who's infected with the same virus and what I observe with him is that this mechanism of talking to much kicks in the moment he's not getting attention or cannot participate within the conversation because the subject is unknown. He sees this is happening but he cannot help himself. He will interrupt, change the subject and start blabbering exactly like I do. I'm accepting and allowing myself to be overruled by emotions of inferiority and self doubt which triggers this pattern where my mind will find a source of knowledge and information related to the subject and start spewing out words. These are batlle raps coming from the ego where I claim all the space not allowing the other person to just be. In fact ignoring the person the moment I start to rant. Not taking the person into consideration what so ever. My gift to humanity becomes this blabbering personality. WTF part II.

In a nutshell this is what I observe within myself. A mechanism to focus attention on myself with no reason other than getting attention and this process is so automated that I become the talk I talk. It's an energy addiction manifesting itself as verbal diarrhea It happens regardless of the consequences and it fuck's up important moments in my life because I cannot be effective within communicating myself. It limits me within everything because it's fucking up my communication completely; a point that really counts in a world of money and information. I see that being able to have a conversation that stays on track and to the point and that not wastes time thus money is key in this world we live in at the moment. From whatever perspective I'm looking at it it's stupid and it has to stop. I commit myself to slow this process down and stop myself participating within this construct of talking to much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste other peoples time spewing out verbal diarrhea as knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself as I start to talk to much and spew out useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to present a enhanced picture of myself in order to be perceived as something I am not, realizing that I do this out of inferiority where I allow shyness to become verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to what to give a perfect presentation of myself realizing seeing and understanding that I have no definition of perfection and whatever I do It would be a projection thus not real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that perfection is a physical process and not something the mind can produce

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a screw up because I failed to present the perfect picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something like a perfect picture could exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed seeing myself within this repeating pattern of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad performer seeing realizing and understanding that it's the very act of acting and playing out re-acting to my own energy that is the cause for ending up in this painful situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as inferior for having self doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the surge of energy that came up as enthusiasm while talking to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch into or accept another personality to possess me completely within and as the point of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of going into the old pattern of talking to much because I fear the unknown within as a new expression of silence within me




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