Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Malin
Posts: 541
Joined: 05 Sep 2011, 20:19

Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Malin »

Here I am sharing my experience in regards to Anorexia/Eating Disorders with writings/blogs/vlogs.

Anorexia Almost Killed Me - YouTube Timeline/Playlist
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL905556AB1CA7E769


Anorexia Almost Killed Me - Introduction
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4ilNW-nVuo


This is my introduction video to my story of anorexia,
which will become a series of videos created as a timeline.
In this video interview I am shortly covering what it is that I will
be walking through and explaining in my upcoming interviews so
that you get perspective on what to expect.
I am going to share with you my story of how I grew up, from the age of 6,
what it was in my world and my reality that lead me to develop an eating disorder and how I
never got free even though I went to several different treatments and rehabilitation-centers.
I explain how my eating disorder started and how I experienced myself within that.
What can you do as a parent if your child suffers from an eating disorder?
And how can you prevent this from ever occurring?
Why don't the treatments work? What does work? How can you stop an eating disorder?
Can you be cured from an eating disorder? What helped me?

Through me, sharing my personal story of how I grew up you can get a better
perspective on what it is that leads a child to stop eating.
I am sharing what an eating disorder actually is and how it can manifest
in its most severe forms. What is it that leads a person to starve her/himself?

I will not sugarcoat or glorify what it actually is to suffer from anorexia/bulimia
- I will tell you the real brutal truth and all the details,
I will share with you what goes on in an anorexics mind,
what is the thought-patterns, what is the experiences,
why isn't it simply just to start eating again?
Does an eating disorder have anything to do with eating/food at all?
Why was it impossible for me to start eating?
Are people with eating disorders just spoiled brats?
How do the media influence a person with anorexia/bulimia?
Is this just a welfare-problem? I will be covering this and so much more in my upcoming videos.

I was unable to stop this on my own
- I would have been dead right now I wouldn't have received the help that I got from Desteni
and my agreement-partner. This is not something that a person can do/go through alone
- when anorexia/bulimia becomes a complete possession than it will lead the person to
slowly killing oneself and therefor major assistance and support is required.

I will dedicate my life to help others in the way that I got help so that we together can stop
the self-abuse and self-hate, to finally be able to start directing oneself
and start to live for the first time ever.

It's never too late - I was balancing on a fine line between death and life and just
when I was sure I was going to die I actually got help to stop and change.
I am still here today and with a lot of help from the participants in the Desteni-group
I have now stood up from hell. I will share my story unconditionally and if you
require more assistance/support - don't hesitate to contact me.

In my blog I will share specific self-forgiveness-statements in relation to what
it is that I am speaking about in each video interview,
so that you can get further support in what tools you can use to stop
the thought-patterns, behaviors and memories.
My Blog; http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/

Malin
Posts: 541
Joined: 05 Sep 2011, 20:19

Re: Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Malin »

2012: Anorexia Almost Killed Me - Introduction:
http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... ed-me.html


2012: My Story Of Anorexia:
http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... rexia.html

I have never really shared my story of anorexia before and that is due to several different reasons
– the prominent point being the fear of what other people might think about me.
I fear that people will see me as a freak for sharing my story and all the detail because I know
that it is not a pretty story – it’s brutal and so ugly.
There are things that I did to myself that I haven’t shared with anyone
– not even with my partner. I have been hiding for a very long time and now
I have taken the decision to share my story with the whole world.
I wouldn’t be able to share this story if it wasn’t for Desteni
– before I got introduced to the Desteni-group I was on the edge of dying.
My partner and I got immense support and without his unconditional support I
wouldn’t have been able to make it. Today I am better than ever before and I have
decided to share my story so that others can get assistance and support as well.

The decision to share this was a big step for me.
Now I can’t allow this to continue in any way or form and I know that
– because before I could hide behind the fact that I hadn’t yet shared
the real truth of my life-experience and so I could continue hiding
and continue some of my abusive patterns.
Now when it’s out there I will have to stop all the abuse because otherwise
I won’t be of support for others that are going through what I have been going through.

So - my first reaction within this was fear of what others might think
– I fear that people will wonder why the hell I am sharing my story.
I fear that people I know will see me differently and that they
will get disgusted by me. I fear that I will hurt someone in my family
– that they will get offended by my story.
I fear that my family and friends will find out the truth of how severe it actually was.
I experience judgment against myself for the words that I speak and
I wish I could be better at communicating/explaining my experiences.
I judge myself because I fear that others might misinterpret what I am speaking about.
I only see the flaws and the mistakes that I make in my video
– I only see what I missed and not what I shared.
I fear that others will behave differently when they are around me after seeing my videos.
I fear that others will define me according to what I have shared.
My biggest fear within this is that people will ask themselves why the hell I am sharing this
– I live in a society where people do not share their inner secrets so
I believe that people will think that I am crazy and stupid for sharing this.
These thoughts made me experience immense nervousness and I completely forgot about breathing.


Self-Forgiveness;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
what other people might think about me because I am sharing
my story of anorexia and because of this allowed myself to adjust
according to what other people might think about me instead of
being the directive principle of me – I see and realize the dishonesty
in accepting and allowing myself to adjust and direct myself according
to what my perception is of how other people will react to what I am
sharing and I realize that it doesn’t matter what other people might think
– because I am here, assisting and supporting me as well as others who might find my story supporting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think
and believe that other people will see me as a freak because I am sharing
my story of anorexia – just because I have defined it as an ugly and horrible story
- I now realize that I have merely just used this as an excuse for myself to hide behind
a belief that “people won’t be able to handle my story” as a way for me not having to
share it and go through the memories and past events – just because I know that
it’s something that I rather not face. I realize that this is something that I have to
go through to be able to let go of it and thus I won’t accept and allow myself to continue
use excuses such as “people won’t be able to handle my story” as a scapegoat
for me not having to face my story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my
story of anorexia as “ugly” and “brutal” and through that accepted
and allowed myself to keep the story to myself – in fear that people wouldn’t
see it as a “nice” story and because of this I allowed myself to hide behind
my definition so that I wouldn’t have to share the truth of how I came to
where I am today. I realize that this has just been a justification/excuse for
me so that I wouldn’t have to share myself completely due to the fact that I fear
what other people might think about me when they find out the “truth” of who I am/was.
I realize that I am not defined by my previous experiences and thus I am only
preventing me from letting go when I allow judgment towards my story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/worry
that I am not showing my gratefulness and thankfulness towards the people
from the Desteni-group, that supported me unconditionally, enough/effectively,
but that they will think that I am arrogant and not grateful enough
– instead of realizing that through me – standing up and sharing my story
- I am standing as a living example for everybody to see that the desteni-tools
is the solution and thus I am showing my gratefulness through giving myself what
I have received from the people within the desteni-group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide
behind the fact that I hadn’t yet shared my story of anorexia as a way
for me to continue the abusive patterns and thus I now fear that because
I have exposed the truth I won’t be able to continue my self-abuse.
I now see, realize and understand that I only feared sharing my story because
I knew that through doing so I also have to let go of my self-definitions and
memories of who I am and thus it is only a creation of the mind – trying to
hold on to me as who I perceived myself to be before – I am now here walking
out of my self-created hell and I will not accept and allow myself to look back
thinking and believing that I “want to go back” because I now realize that that
is only a creation of my mind – trying to keep me enslaved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe
that I fear what other people might think about me if they got to know all the
detail about my story of anorexia – instead of realizing that what I actually fear
is that I will see myself differently and experience myself differently if I would to
share my story and let go of my past and thus my definition – as well as I fear
that I will experience myself differently in other peoples presence when I know
that they know about my history - I now realize that I have only projected my
fear onto others in were I think and believe that I fear that others will see me
differently when they get to know my story of anorexia when in fact it is me,
fearing that I will change through sharing my story because then I won’t be hiding
anymore but instead actually face myself and let go of who I perceived myself to
be for such a long period of time. I now see and realize that I have allowed myself
to hide behind a statement such as “I fear what other people might think about me”
so that I won’t have to see that I am actually just fearing who I will be/become when
I let go of my mind and my definitions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize
that I am supporting/assisting others when I am sharing my story
– but instead I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe
that it’s just stupid to share this – in a belief that I am not able to support
others with my story and thus believing that it’s no use in me sharing
– I now realize that this is actually just another excuse for me to not
having to share my secrets as what I have created in my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone
in my family will get offended by me sharing my story and that they will realize
how bad it was – instead of seeing and realizing that what I am sharing is
my past and thus it wouldn’t really matter if someone would get offended or
realize how bad it was since I am not there anymore – I am here sharing my
story and how I got assistance and support to stand up from my anorexia.
I realize that this is also a way for me to test my applications through facing
my family and their reactions when I am sharing myself and my story
– for me to apply myself here and stand up for myself with breath
and awareness in each and every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that
my family and friends will define me according to my story – instead
of realizing that how others define me is not something that define
who I actually am and thus it doesn’t matter what other people might
think about me/might define me according to – because I know that
I always stand stable and I do not accept and allow myself to define
myself according to other peoples definition of ME! I direct myself
and I do not accept and allow myself to continue thinking and believing
that what other people, such as my family and friends, think of me define who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other
people will think that I am disgusting for sharing my story and thus
I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind thinking
and believing that what others might think about me is relevant.
I realize that whether other people might think that I am disgusting
or not don’t matter and I now see that this is just an excuse for me to not share my story.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize
that the reactions of fear, thoughts and beliefs that came up in relation
to me sharing my story was only my mind trying to find justifications/reasons
for me to not share myself as what I have gone through – as a way to not
having to let go and change. I now realize that this is just different
defense-mechanisms that my mind is trying to use to be able to hold
onto my definitions of who I am – and thus I realize that whatever
I experienced in regards to sharing my story was actually just my mind
trying to stop me from letting go. I realize that I am going against everything
that I believed myself to be as well as my life-design and thus my mind will try
to stop me – but I will not accept and allow myself to fall or allow myself to get
manipulated – I direct myself here in each and every breath.


- When and as I see thoughts and reactions coming up in regards to me sharing
my story of Anorexia – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to get
directed or manipulated by my experience of my mind – but instead I realize that
this is just a defense-mechanism from my mind that don’t want me to let go of
my past and my self-definitions and through this I instead breathe and take my power back to me.

- When and as I see nervousness coming up in relation to what other people might
think about me – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to worry about
what other people might think about me – Instead I realize that what other people
might think about me does not define who I am and thus I do not accept or allow
myself to continue pondering on what other people might think about what I am sharing.

- When and as I see fear that other people might treat me differently
coming up – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to get influenced
by my fear that people will treat me differently after finding out about my story
to direct or influence me – Instead I realize that the only thing I am actually fearing
is that I will be experiencing myself differently in my mind when I let go of my past
and my definitions and thus I do not accept or allow myself to project my fear of
letting go onto other people in a belief that I am fearing that other will treat me
differently – I remain stable however others might treat me.

- When and as I see judgment coming up towards myself and what
I am sharing – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue
judging myself and what I am sharing and thus I do not accept or allow myself
to adjust myself according to my judgment – but instead I realize that judgment
is just a creation of my mind that is trying to find ways to hold me back so that
I won’t let go and share myself unconditionally. I do not accept or allow myself
to comply to the judgment but instead I realize that I can stop it through
taking myself back to here with and through my breath.

Malin
Posts: 541
Joined: 05 Sep 2011, 20:19

Re: Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Malin »

(Blog) 2012: Anorexia - I am 6-8 Years Old:
http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... s-old.html

(YouTube) 2012: Anorexia - I am 6-8 Years Old - Part 1:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WUKdF-Ht2o

My Story of Anorexia.
Within this Interview I am speaking about how I experienced myself and
my world/reality as a child - specifically when I was 6-8 years old.
I am sharing how I started to create myself and how that eventually
lead me to manifest anorexia.

I was around 7-8 years old when I found out/realized that there was
something wrong with my body as how it looked and I began my journey
of trying to change my appearance. When I was 9 years old I was
completely aware of the fact that how one looks is extremely
important and I started to adjust according to that.
I also became completely obsessed about cleaning/cleanliness at
that time as well - which one would see as completely innocent but
in fact it was a sign of serious mental illness.
This is were my perfection started playing out more seriously
- in were I wanted everything in my environment to look perfectly.
It was a total chaos inside of me and I used cleaning as a way to slow down my anxiety.

I'm speaking about my family-dynamic and my childhood just in general
for you to realize that what you go through as a child will
influence you when you get older as well.
I'm sharing this so that you can get more insight/perspective on
how an eating disorder manifests itself - can you do something
as a parent/friend/sibling to prevent this from ever occurring?

It's easy to blame ones childhood/persons in ones childhood for how one
is experiencing oneself here now - meaning, for instance I blamed
my father for a very long time for how I later got anorexia but what
I've realized now is that that doesn't solve anything - I wont get healthy
when I blame someone/something. Therefor what is important is to stop
the blame and start to take self-responsibility.
It doesn't really matter what it was that made me become anorexic
- because I am here now and I am the one who is doing this to me
and therefor I am the one who also have to take responsibility for that.

I am investigating how my anorexia came about so that I can work
through all the points that lead me to that. I never had the tools
to cope with my emotions, feelings and thoughts as a child and
I can see how my childhood is still influencing me - therefor it's
sufficient to work through those points and let go of it through
self-investigation and self-forgiveness.
This is something that I will be sharing in my blog as well - http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/

If you have any questions or just want to speak to someone - don't hesitate to contact me!

Malin
Posts: 541
Joined: 05 Sep 2011, 20:19

Re: Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Malin »

(Blog) 2012: Anorexia and my Childhood:
http://malingunilla.blogspot.se/2012/03 ... dhood.html

Within this blog I will be walking more specifically some points
that I mentioned in my video Anorexia - I am 6-8 Years Old - Part 1.
I will assist and support myself with self-forgiveness on the points
that had the most impact on me.


No Stability-point - Self-Forgiveness;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control food
as a stability-point in were I didn’t experience any stability as a child
and therefor I tried to find stability in other ways such as finding things
to control and within that accepted and allowed myself to control my
food-intake as a way to try and find stability. I now see and realize that
not allowing myself to eat sufficiently is not going to “make up” for the
lack of stability that I experienced as a child and thus I do not accept and
allow myself to continue thinking and believing that if I control my
food-intake then I will find stability – I see the dishonestly within this
and thus I stop, stand up and start to take self-responsibility in were
I support myself through creating stability for myself and giving myself
and my body what it requires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think
and believe that controlling my food-intake will give me stability
and control and thus I accepted and allowed myself to use the
experience of fear and instability that I had as a child as a way
to justify me not giving myself food but instead use and abuse
myself as what I experienced as a child within my world and
my reality so that I could experience a familiar and “safe” feeling.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to
see and realize that I created a belief and idea as a child
that experiencing fear and instability is actually more
“normal” and thus defining that as “stability” and because
of that I tried to create this experience when becoming older
as well through giving myself that same experience through
not allowing myself to give myself enough food and affection
but instead I tried to create the same environment as I
experienced as a child because that was simply just all
I knew and could recognize. I now see and realize that I
was actually just seeking for that same experience as I had
as a child through not giving myself stability but instead I
tried to create the same experience for myself as what I had
when being a child which was instability, fear and terror.
I realize that I created a belief that experiencing instability,
fear and terror is actually a safe and familiar experience and
thus that was all I knew as how one should experience oneself
and I created that experience all over again through not allowing
myself to give myself sufficient food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame
my father for the instability I experienced as a child and through
that accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for the
instability I created within manifesting anorexia – in were I
thought that I was unable to direct myself through caring for
myself just because I didn’t experience caring as a child and
thus I blamed my father for the fact that I didn’t “learn” how
to care for myself. I now see, realize and understand the
dishonestly in accepting and allowing myself to blame my father
for how I experience myself here today – when in fact I am the
only one responsible for what I do to myself.
I do not accept and allow myself to justify my behavior on my
father but instead I start to take self-responsibility in where
I realize that I am able to re-define what stability is and thus
start to care for myself through creating an environment that is best for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use
the fact that I experienced fear, instability and terror as a child
as a way to justify me creating that for myself as an adult as well
– in were I thought and believed that fear, terror and instability
was all I knew and thus all that I could give myself as well.
I now see, realize and understand that through thinking and
believing that fear, terror and instability is all I know and thus
can give myself – I actually justify and create a belief that that
is what I deserve – thus through me, making myself live in terror,
instability and fear within manifesting anorexia – I pretty much
justify that as okay and as something that I deserve.
I now see, realize and understand that as long as I accept and
allow myself to create instability I am actually saying to me
that that is all that I deserve and thus I justify my father’s
behavior through continue the abuse that he started.
I do not accept and allow myself to continue the abuse I experienced
as a child but instead I see and realize that I can take responsibility
for myself now and start to do what is best for me and thus show
myself what I accept and allow as myself – I do not accept or allow
abuse so thus I stand up for myself within myself and I start to
give myself what I deserve – which is stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live
in the past through seeing myself as how I experienced myself
as a child in were I did not see any stability and thus I accepted
and allowed myself to continue and perpetuate that experience
through creating anorexia and thus justified the abuse that I
experienced as a child as a way for me to continue my anorexia
throughout the years – in a belief that I didn’t know anything else
than abuse and thus was unable to stop and stand up for myself,
within myself. I now see and realize that I am able to take
self-responsibility and through me, not accepting and allowing
myself to perpetuate the abuse I am actually taking a stance
in saying that I do not justify abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
become completely depending upon something/someone else
for me to be able to experience stability – in where I was
dependent upon my sister as a child for me to be able to
experience stability/safety and thus when she disappeared
I used my anorexia as a way to experience that same stability
and safety through thinking and believing that the eating disorder
was giving me a stability-point to hold onto as something that
was never changing or going away. I now see and realize that I
perpetuated my anorexia through thinking and believing that it
was giving me stability and safety. I realize that it was in fact
not so – but instead it was just a belief that I created within my
mind because I saw my anorexia as something that no one could
take away from me in opposite to what happened to my sister as
she was taken away from me. I do not accept or allow myself to
continue thinking and believing that I need something separate
from me to be able to experience stability and safety and thus I
do not need my eating disorder to be able to experience a
stability point – instead I create stability for myself through
breathing and taking my power back to myself in were I start
to stand up for what is best for me which is to always be here
and not depend on something/someone else for me to be able
to give myself stability. I do not need anything/anyone else to be
able to experience stability because I am stability here in the
physical – I realize that instability only exists within my
mind so I stop, I breathe and I remain here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
experience anger towards my mother for her – not creating
a stable environment and thus I allowed myself to blame my
mother for my own self-abuse in were I would think and
believe that if only she had stood up and done something
then I wouldn’t have to manifest anorexia. I now see, realize
and understand the dishonesty in accepting and allowing myself
to think and believe that someone else/something else are
responsible for what I do to myself now. I realize that I am the
only one responsible for what I accept and allow within my world
and reality and thus I do not accept or allow myself to blame my
mother for the anorexia that I manifested. I also realize that
what is done is done and it doesn’t matter anymore since I am
here now and all I can change is my future as what I will accept
and allow within my world – I stand up for myself through stopping
my anorexia and thus I take self-responsibility for my future and
I do not accept or allow myself to look back and blame my past
on who I am now. I create myself as who I will become –
I re-birth myself and I do not accept or allow my past to direct or influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make
myself into a victim because of my childhood and because I did
not experience any stability and thus I allowed myself to make
myself a victim of anorexia – instead of seeing and realizing
that I am actually the one doing this to myself through allowing
myself to think and believe that I am a victim.
I now see and realize that I am the only one responsible for
how I experience myself here and now and thus I do not
accept or allow myself to continue victimizing myself for
what I went through as a child, since I am here now and
since I am the one that is responsible for how I treat
myself here and now. I am not a victim because I am
here in every breath – and thus what happened in the past is not who I am here now.

- When and as I see anorexia as a stability-point and thus
experience a desire to go back into abusive patterns
– I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to use
anorexia as a way to experience stability – instead I realize
that I do not need anything separate from me to be able to
experience stability or safety so thus I do not accept or allow
myself to use anorexia as a way to experience stability but
instead I realize that stability is only something that exist
when I don’t participate within my mind.

- When and as I see myself going into a state of mind in were
I think and believe that not eating will make me experience stability
– I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue thinking
and believing that not eating will give me stability or make me
experience more stability- instead I see and realize that I have created
a belief that experiencing abuse is equivalent to stability,
when in fact it is not so –I realize that this is only a belief that I have
created within my mind because of memories that I have from me,
being a child and experiencing abuse and thus I have made myself
think and believe that abuse is stability.
I do not accept or allow myself to continue thinking that abuse
is stability – but instead I realize that that is only a creation
of my mind and thus not real.

- When and as I see myself going into my mind in were I
think and believe that controlling my food-intake will give
me stability – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow
myself to continue thinking and believing that not giving
myself enough food will make me experience control and
stability but instead I realize that it is actually just a
mind-made-up control that is a creation of my mind and
thus not real so I bring myself back to this reality through
breathing and stopping my mind in moments of self-deception.

- When and as I see a desire of going into self-abuse coming up
– I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to go into
self-abuse, but instead I realize that this desire is something
that I have created because I have connected self-abuse to stability.
I realize that the stability and control that I experience when I abuse
myself through not eating is not real stability but it is instead a
mind-stability in where I am only following what my mind tells me
to do to experience stability.
I do not accept or allow myself to follow my mind but instead
I bring my power back to me and I take self-responsibility.



Verbal abuse Self-Forgiveness;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience
instability and fear when my father was verbally abusive and thus I
accepted and allowed myself to – every time someone in my
world/reality would become really angry/frustrated at me I would
go into self-abuse in were I didn’t allow myself to eat because I
saw that as a stability-point that I had and thus I accepted and
allowed myself to abuse me every time someone else within my
world/reality would experience anger/frustration and express
this verbally. I now see, realize and understand that I only
perpetuated my father’s verbal abuse through, every time someone
within my world would become verbally abusive, I would go into a
state of mind in were I took it personally and thus allowed myself
to take it out on the food in not allowing myself to eat – as a way
to punish myself. I now see and realize that I am not responsible
for how someone else is experiencing themselves and thus it is
unacceptable for me punish myself through not eating, because
of how someone else is expressing and experiencing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
perpetuate the verbal abuse that I experienced as a child
through allowing the words that my father spoke to me to
still exist within me and that I now speak to myself for
example “I am not good enough” and through me, using
this words to myself – I created a personality of
“not being good enough” and thus I tried to become good
in something - in not eating - as a way to “show myself”
that I was good enough in something. I now see and realize
that when I speak the words within myself as my father
spoke to me - I am only justifying what he said and I am
making it “okay” through me, allowing myself to live
according to this words still today. I now realize that
what he said to me, about me, as a child was in fact not
the truth and thus I will not accept or allow myself to keep
living according to this words but instead I start to take
self-responsibility through not believing in the voices in
my head but instead realize that I am able to stand up and
stop those belief-systems through me - not listen to the
voices in my head – but instead move me and direct me – out of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe and trust in the words that my father spoke to me
unconditionally and thus continued now today to believe
and trust in other peoples words unconditionally – and
thus allowing myself to take it personally every time
someone speaks to me and through that accepted and
allowed myself to control my food-intake as a way to
“punish” myself if someone says something in
frustration/anger towards me – instead of seeing and
realizing the dishonestly in accepting and allowing
myself to take what someone else says in anger/frustration
personally and thus abusing myself for how someone else
is expressing themselves. I do not accept or allow myself
to continue abusing myself if someone else is expressing
anger/frustration – but instead I see and realize that I can
stop the abuse through taking self-responsibility for how I
experience myself and thus not allowing myself to take it
personally when someone else within my world/reality is
expressing anger – I remain stable no matter how someone
else is expressing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
see myself as not equal to anybody else – but instead allowed
myself to believe in my father’s words that he spoke to me
and then believing in those words completely in were I
accepted and allowed myself to see myself as unworthy of food.
I now realize that what my father said about me is not who I am
and I realize this now and thus it is unacceptable for me to
perpetuate what he said to me about not being worthy to
control/influence me today. Instead I take self-responsibility
for how I see myself and I realize that I am equal and one to
everybody else and thus I support my body unconditional through giving it sufficient food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think and believe that I should be invisible and not “in the way”
and thus I found anorexia as a way to hide and not take up space
– I now see and realize that I was creating this belief myself because
of how my father spoke when I was a child – I had a desire to be
invisible and not in the way because I thought that my father
wouldn’t be so angry with me if I would disappear – I now realize
that I cannot hide behind anorexia and that I am actually just
“in the way” for myself when I allow my anorexia to exist as me,
within me – thus I do not accept or allow myself to hide behind
anorexia as a way to “not being in the way” but instead I realize
that I am only in the way for myself when I allow my mind to control and direct me.

- When and as I see myself going into a belief of not being worthy of food
– I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue thinking and
believing that I am not worthy of food – but instead I realize that that belief
is not real but it is something I have created through believing in what my
father said. I take self-responsibility and I realize that I am one and
equal to everybody and thus I deserve food.

- When and as I see the words that my father spoke to me as a child
– coming up now within my mind – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept
or allow myself to listen to the voice in my head and thus I do not
accept or allow myself to get directed or influenced by the words
that I hear in my mind – but instead I realize that I am only justifying
and perpetuating my father’s words through believing and following
the words that I hear in my mind now such as “I am not good enough”.
I realize that the words in my head is not who I am.

- When and as someone in my world/my reality become verbally
abusive – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to take
it personally and thus go into self-abuse through not eating,
but instead I realize that I am not responsible for someone else’s
anger/frustration and thus I do not accept or allow self-abuse
because of how someone else is behaving.

User avatar
Anna
Posts: 3726
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:17
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
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Re: Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Anna »

Very cool Malin. This point is/will be of great support for others walking this and similar points.

Malin
Posts: 541
Joined: 05 Sep 2011, 20:19

Re: Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Malin »

Anna wrote:Very cool Malin. This point is/will be of great support for others walking this and similar points.
Thanks a lot Anna, I'm really thankful of the support!!

Malin
Posts: 541
Joined: 05 Sep 2011, 20:19

Re: Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Malin »

(Blog) 2012: Anorexia - I am 9-11 Years Old:
http://malingunilla.blogspot.se/2012/03 ... s-old.html

(YouTube) 2012: Anorexia - I am 9-11 Years Old - Part 2:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEqlcECVX-M

Within this Video Interview I am continuing My Story of Anorexia
and I am specifically speaking about how I experienced myself within the years of 9-11.
This is a period of time that I haven’t opened up before,
I was rather suppressing it because I simply didn’t want to
admit what it was that I was experiencing within my world/reality in this period.

Here I am sharing how my relationship towards food,
my physical appearance and my body start to change
and how that also will lead me to adjust my eating-patterns
and later on develop a lethal eating disorder.

I’m also explaining what it was within this period
that made me experience so much anxiety, fear and hate towards myself.
A prominent experience that started to emerge in this period of my life
is the feeling of not being good enough and I would go to different
extremes as a means to accept myself.
But I will never really see myself as good enough and therefor
I started to search for acceptance from others.
What I did was that I tried to fit in and I started to define
myself a lot according to what other people thought about me.
This will also lead me to try and change my physical appearance
since I early on learned that how I look defined “how good” I was.

I am also speaking about how my obsession about cleanliness
and having everything in a specific order starts to control me
and how I was using these obsessions in an effort to control
something but what I didn’t understand then was that this
obsession was actually controlling me.

I start to develop a lot of phobias and fears and that will also
start to influence and control me and my life.
I wanted to cling onto something and control something in my
world because I just simply didn’t have the tools or the knowledge
of how to control my internal experience or what was happening
within my environment. Therefor I was constantly trying to find
things to control as a way to compensate for what was
happening within and without.

Within my blog I will be walking more specifically
some points that I mentioned and was going through
within my video and there I will also be sharing how
I work through the points; http://malingunilla.blogspot.se/

Malin
Posts: 541
Joined: 05 Sep 2011, 20:19

Re: Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Malin »

(Blog) 2012: Anorexia - My Body is My Enemy - Self Forgiveness:
http://malingunilla.blogspot.se/2012/03 ... -self.html


Within this blog I will be walking more specifically some points
that I mentioned in my video Anorexia - My Body is My Enemy - Part 2.
I will assist and support myself with self-forgiveness on the points
that had the most impact on me.


Not Being Good Enough - Self-Forgiveness;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe
that I am not good enough and therefor I should try to be good at something
such as not eating, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the
dishonesty in accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into
thinking and believing that if I don’t eat then I might become “good enough”.
I realize that my experience of not being good enough isn’t something
I can solve through changing my external world but instead I have to
change and stop my thoughts of not being good enough and take
self-responsibility through not listening to such thoughts and stopping
such thoughts. I do not accept or allow myself to continue listening and
feeding my belief of not being good enough through listening and trying
to change myself as my physical but instead I stand up and I stop
my thoughts of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think
and believe that if I am extremely skinny then I am good enough
– instead of seeing and realizing that being good enough only exists
within my mind as a belief-system and thus it is not something that
is real or tangible and I realize that “good enough” can only exist
if I allow “not good enough” to exist within me and therefor I stop
and I realize that being good enough is only something that I have
created in my mind and thus it is not something that I can live up to,
I realize that all I can do is to stop defining myself as
good enough/not good enough and instead start to direct myself
and not give my power away to my mind in were I allow myself
to get directed and influenced by what beliefs I have created
within my mind as being/not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think
and believe that I am only “good enough” if I put make-up on and
because of this I accepted and allowed myself to hide behind
make-up instead of facing myself and stopping my beliefs and
ideas of what being good enough is. I now see and realize that
putting on make-up won’t make me “good enough” but instead I
will only feed my belief-system through allowing myself to follow
the ideas I have about what I have to do to be “good enough”.
I do not accept or allow myself to continue listening to my belief-system
and idea that says that I have to put make-up on to be able to live
up to “good enough” but instead I see and realize that I only feed
my beauty-system and my ideas about being good enough when I
allow myself to fall for my ideas/beliefs and thus I do not accept or
allow myself to put make-up on when I see that I go into my mind
thinking that make-up will make me better or “good enough”
instead I stop, I breathe and I start to take self-responsibility through
stopping such thoughts/beliefs/ideas and I direct myself here in the
physical through not allowing my mind to have the power over me.
I am the directive principle of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think
and believe that I am only able to be “good enough” if I put
make-up on and thus I accepted and allowed myself to think
and believe that I can only live up to “good enough” if I would
to put make-up on. I now see and realize the dishonestly in
accepting and allowing myself to believe in such thoughts and ideas.
I realize that I am not defined by how I look or if I have/have
not make-up on but I am remaining the same no matter how I look.
I do not accept or allow myself to follow or believe in my
thoughts/ideas that says that I can only live up to “good enough”
if I put make-up on – instead I realize that I have programmed
myself into thinking and believing that make-up will make me good enough.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create a belief-system that says that I can only live up to
“good-enough” if I am really skinny and thus I accepted
and allowed myself to try to live up to this ideal of what
“good-enough” means - Instead of seeing and realizing
that I was only compromising and destroying myself and
my physical body through accepting and allowing myself
to follow this idea of what “good-enough” is.
I do not accept or allow myself to continue abusing/using
my physical body through not allowing myself to eat
sufficiently just because of my self-created idea/belief
of what “good-enough” is but instead I stop and I breathe
– I realize that I am the one responsible for what I do to
myself and what ideas/beliefs I have and because of this
I stop these ideas/beliefs and instead I start to care for
myself instead of caring for my ideas/beliefs about being
“good-enough”. I do not accept or allow myself to continue
thinking and believing that I will experience myself as
“good-enough” if only I become skinny
– instead I stop and I realize that this is only a belief and
beliefs are only creations of my mind and thus it is so
much easier to stop my mind then trying to change and
mold myself to please my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
feel disappointed at myself when I experienced it as if I
wasn’t good enough at what I was doing as a child such
as gymnastics and because of that I allowed myself to try
and make up for it/ make myself feel better/compensate
for that through becoming good at not eating and thus I
allowed myself to feel “good at something” when I managed
to become an excellent liar and extremely good at restricting
myself from eating. I now see and realize that I was only lying
to myself when I allowed myself to think and believe that I
would become satisfied with myself if I would to become
“good at something”. I realize that I will never ever become
satisfied with myself through changing my physical appearance
because the experience I have of not being good enough only
exists within my mind and thus I cannot change that experience
through changing my external world – I realize that what I have
to change is my internal world as my mind and stop and
change within myself. I do not accept or allow myself to continue
thinking or believing that I can become satisfied with myself
through trying to change my external world – but instead I realize
that the only way I can become satisfied is to stop giving my
power away to my mind such as my thoughts.
I am directing myself out of the mind and into the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think and believe that if I look perfect then I will feel perfect
and because of this I accepted and allowed myself to try and
live up to my definition of perfection – and thus I manifested
anorexia since I always changed my definition of perfect.
I realize that I will never experience myself as “perfect” when
I try to live up to my definition of how I should look to be
perfect because I now know that my definition of perfect
will never remain stable or the same but that I will, within
my mind, always change my opinion of what perfect is and
thus it doesn’t matter how skinny I become – within my
mind it will never be “good enough”. I do not accept
or allow myself to continue thinking or believing that
I will experience satisfaction or that I will experience
myself as good enough/perfect if I become skinny
because I now that I will always change my definition/opinion
of what perfect/good enough is and thus my minds definition is not reliable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
place my self-worth in being good enough and I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see
myself as good enough if I am extremely skinny and thus
I created my self-worth according to being extremely skinny.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to experience any self-worth if I am not extremely skinny
and thus also not seeing myself as good enough if I am not
skinny and because of this I allowed myself to create myself
as only worthy of life if I am skinny and not allowing myself
to have any self-worth or self-respect if I am not skinny.
I realize that all of this is only beliefs that I have created
within my mind and thus I manifested it to become my truth
through me, accepting and allowing myself to live according
to these beliefs. I do not accept or allow myself to continue
believing that I am only worthy if I am extremely skinny
– but instead I realize that these beliefs are not real – it’s
only a creation of my mind and thus I am the only one
responsible for these beliefs and through realizing this
I direct myself to stop myself when and as I see these
beliefs/thoughts coming up and instead I stop and breathe
and do not accept or allow myself to follow/live according to these beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to think and believe that I am being “bad” if I eat bad
foods as what I have defined as “bad foods” and thus
I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that
I am not good enough when and as I do not restrict myself
from eating foods/sweets that I have defined as bad.
I realize that I am not defined by what types of food I eat
and that I am the one who has the idea of what is bad food
and what is good food and thus I cannot trust my mind
when I think that I am “not good enough” when I am eating
something that I have defined as “bad”.
When and as I see thoughts coming up in relation to not being
good enough if I eat this or that – I stop and I breathe – I do not
accept or allow myself to continue defining myself according to
what I eat and I do not accept or allow myself to define myself
as not good enough if I eat something that I have defined as
bad – but instead I realize that definitions is only something that
I have created within my mind and thus it is not real.
Instead I direct myself and take my power back through not
accepting or allowing myself to get directed/influenced by
these thoughts/ideas/beliefs or definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to get directed by the voice in my head that is telling me
what is “bad food” and what is “good food” and thus
accepted and allowed myself to live according to what
this voice in my head was saying and also thinking/believing
that if I eat “bad food” then I am not good enough and
I forgive myself that I have allowed my fear of not being
good enough to take over me and direct me completely
instead of me – directing myself out of the mind and
stopping those thoughts/beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe in the voice in my head that is telling me that
I am not good enough if I do not starve and because of
that I allowed myself to starve myself just because I
desired being good enough and getting validation from
the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from my mind and thinking and
believing that I am not responsible for what my mind is
showing me/saying within my mind but instead I accepted
and allowed myself to listen unconditionally to my mind
and what I was saying within my mind – not realizing
that I am my mind and thus I can also stop the voice in
my head that is telling me that I am not
good enough if I do not starve myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to compare my appearance to other girls appearance and
then defining myself as not good enough when seeing
myself as not as pretty as others and because of that I
tried to change and become good enough through not
eating so that I could become skinny as what I had perceived as good enough.

Maya
Posts: 1267
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:56

Re: Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Maya »

thanks for sharing Malin! very cool support

Malin
Posts: 541
Joined: 05 Sep 2011, 20:19

Re: Malin's Writings/Blogs/Vlogs about Anorexia

Post by Malin »

(Blog) 2012: Anorexia - Killing Myself Slowly:
http://malingunilla.blogspot.se/2012/03 ... lowly.html

(YouTube) 2012: Anorexia - Killing Myself Slowly - Part 3:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1YtlHAji6g

Within this interview I am sharing how I experienced myself in the beginning stages of anorexia.
I am now 12 years old and much has changed in both my external world and
also within my internal reality. I have moved away from my abusive father
but have I really moved away from abuse at all? I brought the abuse with me
and I started to create myself from the starting-point of “I deserve abuse”
- I became abuse and everything that it contains.
I started to create a desire, want and need to hurt myself physically
and I will share why I experienced that within my video.

I will go through the stages of how I slowly but surely stopped eating,
what it was that triggered me to lose weight and why I did that to myself,
what it was that made me want to hurt myself so badly – to the extent
that I would start to cut myself in order to “deal” with my internal pain and anxiety.
I will explain how I experienced myself both physically and
mentally and also were my desire to lose weight came from.

I would start to cut down on certain foods but when I “failed” to follow my
strict rules I would punish myself, either through extensive exercise, throwing up or cutting myself.
When I am 13 years old I have stopped participating within gymnastics
due to anxiety and due to the experience of “not being good enough”.
Instead I start to exercise extensively on my own - I wanted to see how
far I could push myself and my body. When I would push myself to the
utter limit of what is physically possible I would experience a sort of
adrenaline-rush and this experience is something that I will become
completely addicted to. I will start to do whatever it takes just to be
able to experience this again but after a while I will have to push
myself harder to be able to experience the adrenaline.
This is when I stop to care about anything at all except losing weight.
I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore.

This is also a period of time in were I start to create a severe self-hate
against myself and my physical body. I would start to hurt myself in all
ways possible and I became completely obsessed and addicted to self-abuse.
I would do whatever I could just to feel pain.
I’m sharing all the details of what I did to myself just to change my
physical appearance and why I wanted to change so badly.
I’m also walking through the consequences that came with this
– what was the body’s response to this self-abuse?
What happens when a person starve him/herself?
Find out the real truth in my video, I will also share more details
about this subject in my upcoming videos since the consequences
is something that I am still facing today.

I’m going through an extensive fear of “being in the way” or
taking up space/time/attention from others and because of
this fear I decided not to speak to anybody about my experience
that I had in regards to myself and my physical body.
I fear that others will see me and think that I am being a
pain in the ass so I shut myself off from reality and instead put on a fake smile.

This is where my process of lying and deceiving starts and after a while
I will become nothing but a lie. I will start to deceive everybody to the
extent in were I almost starts to believe in the lies myself.
What is it that makes a person so afraid of telling others the truth
about what one is going through/experiencing?
What was it that I so badly wanted to hide from others?
This is points that I will walk through within this interview.
When I start this lying-process I will experience sooo much loneliness
but after a while I will become so used to it that I will never dare to
open myself up to anybody for the next 10 years to come.
This is 10 years later and I am now going through the process of
exposing who I was/am and my process of re-birthing myself in self-honesty.

If you are interested in how I am walking this process of re-birthing myself
with self-honesty and self-forgiveness you can check out my blog; http://malingunilla.blogspot.se/

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