Michelle writing Freedom

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Michelle Best
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Joined: 25 Mar 2012, 07:02

Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Michelle Best » 09 Apr 2012, 07:49

I m a transexual, Well Im really not that free. Seems like my Ego has taken over me mjority of the time. I look on my facebook. I see Ego. Today I had to work . Myself Ego doen t feel like to work. I work 6 days week and Im lucky to have a weekend off. When I drive I have lots of time to think and reflect on myself. I think about my past alot. All the things I ve been through to get where I am today. To be honest My name was Mike in my past. I would like to be called Michelle. Mike is a trigger word for suicide. Michelle is depression. Depressions been with me since I was little. I tryed to hide it. Its pretty hard to do that sometimes. My life is like a roller coaster. Its goes up and down. Im down , But I alway manage to get back up and survive. Being Michelle has some goods and bads. I like who I am. Im going stand up for equality for all transgender. I ve been Michelle since I was 11 years old or maybe younger. I was a closet , then I came out in 2004. Its been so long I forgot how time flys. Michelle ingrained in me. Mike is dead and buarried. Sum up my whole life. I face alot of shit from people. I stood up for myself. As years go by I got tired of standing up for myself and my x wife. I started to get depressed again. I let people runn me over. There are time Im a fighter. Im tired of fighting. All I just want is to be me and be normal like everyone else. I wanted Equality. I wanted the world to except me. There so much details I would love to tell about myself. But it would be bullshit anyways. My life I just work ,drive and pay bills like everyone else. Im trying to survive. To me Im lucky to have a job. Im just lucky. But sooner or latter my luck will run out. With desteni there is no such thing as luck. Luck is the Ego thing. I finnally figured out Ego has possed me. Im tired of Ego control.



Marlen
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Re: Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Marlen » 09 Apr 2012, 08:19

Hi Michelle

This is a start. The cool point you can look at here is that, doesn't matter which gender we are, we are all aware of our personalities, ego and any other quirks that we have held as memories that turn into a drag that we live out as 'who we are.'

What I've found the most supportive here is to essentially write the most prominent current experience within you and your current day to day living, so that writing becomes a habit to establish yourself and within that, beginning to write Self-Forgiveness to start walking the process of realizing 'who you are' through your own words.

I agree that for now, you can focus on establishing self-communication wherein you write-you and gift yourself the opportunity to - for once and for all - stop the rollercoaster that we have made up of our lives here.

I found an interesting typo when you said: I wanted Equality. I wanted the world to except me.
So, it's interesting that we may all want Equality, but we definitely have to begin with Self-Equality wherein we walk our process to Accept ourselves - regardless of who and what we have been - and create a new starting point of our every day living. Because, what would be the point of continuing reinforcing judgments imposed onto our own lives? Nothing else but eating of the same battle-soup that is cooked within our mind.

So, now that you are here, suggest to start writing about your current experience and take one single experience that you can see is the most prominent one, and write the entire memory/ event out. That's how you go taking a single point every day to walk it through writing, this ensures that you are always reflecting back on yourself through your own writings. And, the forum is here to support with further feedback on Self Forgiveness and establishing Self-Honesty to begin with.

Cool - thanks for sharing



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Kristina
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Re: Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Kristina » 09 Apr 2012, 08:21

Hey Michelle - we are all ego driven personalities - shaped and designed through the programs within each of our minds. Thus - we are all equally fucked in having to face the acceptance and allowance of our own enslavement to the Mind.

The cool thing - we have tools/ways in each(which) to support ourselves, such as breathing and writing and self forgiveness - self correction to re script/reprogram ourselves to be that which lives what is best for all = Equality and Oneness

You have definitely taken the first step in supporting yourself to release yourself from the ego of the Mind - you are here - sharing yourself and standing up within seeing this world is unacceptable and it's time for us to take self responsibility, to stop the polarity of the Mind - and get back to physical reality within/as equality for/as all!

Thanks for sharing yourself!



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Carrie
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Re: Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Carrie » 09 Apr 2012, 15:51

Great support here Marlen and Kristina. Thanks!



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Cathy
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Re: Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Cathy » 09 Apr 2012, 16:48

Hey Michelle - it's really nice to see that you're writing and sharing here because I know it's been difficult for you to take that first step. So continue on! 8-)


Definitely cool support here from Marlen and Kristina as well




Cathy



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Anna
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Re: Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Anna » 09 Apr 2012, 18:38

Cool all.



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Lindsay
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Re: Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Lindsay » 09 Apr 2012, 18:46

I finnally figured out Ego has possed me. Im tired of Ego control.
Cool! It's when we get to this point wherein we can admit to ourselves that we have been possessed by our own mind, and through that decide for ourselves that we are 'sick of that shit' - that we come to a point of taking self-responsibility to stand up, stop the bullshit, and change - for real.

So, this is the time to really apply and push yourself - keep writing Michelle!



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Michelle Best
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Re: Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Michelle Best » 10 Apr 2012, 00:22

I want say thanks to you all for your support. I remember when I saw Desteni the first time. I was curious. I wanted to know the unknown. I didn't care if there was Facts are not. I wanted to know more about being human. How, What, Why ,Where are we from in this existance. Pass couple of years Ive been seeing desteni the wrong way. I fucked up. Took me a long time. From the beginning I did the selforgiveness to myself. I had a blue notebook. Then I stopped for a while. When I stopped I felt something inside bring me down even lower. I saw the video Carry linked to me. My ego had alot of revenge on me. I thought I was crazy. I heard my own voice. I realized it was my own Ego who has contol of me. Not Me. When I stop self forgiving myself. Things got harder and everything went down for me. I need to myself to a balance with me and everyone around. I will try my best not to let Ego over run me. I can feel ego now.



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Michelle Best
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Re: Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Michelle Best » 10 Apr 2012, 02:08

I didn't want to get up I had less then 5hours of sleep. I had to get up and take a shower to wake me up. I pack some clothes went into the truckstop. i got room with a shower. The lady was nice to me. She gave me a bigger shower. I was in the shower I notice myself. My ego thoughts saying Im FAT. Made me depress. I put my hand around my belly. My ego is fuckup in my fucking head. Got done with the shower. Went back to my Truck. Drove my truck to the fuel island. Fueled my truck. I happen to get the pump that was super duper slow. It took me an hour to 80 gallons in. I was calm and I breath. Got done Fueling. I notice kids throwing a cell phone on the ground at the subways. My paranoia come on. Really its my Ego making me paranoid. I hear people laughing I look around no one is laughing it was all in my head, I got me some soda to wake me up. I don't drink coffee. I started drink water. Im in a slow process getting away from sodas. The lady who gave my shower was really nice to me. It was an ok day for me.For Now.
Im driving I turn on my CB. I think it was the stupidiest thing I done. I hear a mans voice acting like a girl. really close by. I know passed me and saw me. Some truckdriver always like mocking me. He started doing these rediculous talk about being homosexual and he ws talking jeberish. Then I hear another guy says why does a man dress as women it doesn't make since. My thoughts in my head says The World doen't make since. So why is this person don't make since to you. All I said on the CB the world does not make since. I felt a sandbag over my head and started to get depress. Then I started to critisize about christianity saying they all should go to hell. Every single one of them. I told them your luck I don t believe in heaven or hell or god. My ego talks out loud. I felt it.I remember these words from Jordon Maxwell saying Christianity is a digrace. I could never forget those word.
Being made fun of all my life. from being a nerd to Michelle. All my life people put me down. Usually I walk away. I got tired of it. I wanted to stand up for myself. I use to be worse I use to take people bullshit and keep it inside. One day I would explode. Longer I saved my thought the more depressed I got. Religion or what ever sometimes trigger me. Most of the hate they have for me , reflexes on me. I feel the negative in me. I try to resist. People always critisize me. More they do that the bigger my Ego gets.



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Michelle Best
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Re: Michelle writing Freedom

Postby Michelle Best » 11 Apr 2012, 06:57

Sitting here waiting till 10 am. I got a dispatch going to South Kearny, NJ. I hate Jersey because its so negative. I they usually take 5 or 6 hours to load my truck up.Everytime I go there the latino worker make fun of me. I know , I see the way they look at me. Plus they feel like there a big macho man acting like a tough jersy ite. The warehouse I pick up was a spanish speaking people. They do speak english. For Me I know a few word that comes to me. When people look at me. They start raising there high pitch voice. Just guys do it. I think they want to pinch my nerve. At first I did take it personally. Sometime it does affect me. My Ego angry and Fear comes out. My ego worries about be excepted in the Straight society. But I do realize that would never happen unless there is change for equality for all. Everytime I come here there is always a thought fear and agryness comeing to the warehouse.




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