I want to watch videos of games and envelop myself within that right now.
League of Legends, Heartstone, funny videos, movie and game reviews, memes.
But every time I think to myself I could be more proactive and do more for myself if I didn't limit myself to the capacity of how much I feel like doing something, which would then weigh in on binging on videos of people talking about things, or the news, or something interesting.
First thing is that I've been doing well in making schedules which I can then stick to, like my journey to life blog everyday for an hour, I've been very consistent with that, to the point that it's just part of my daily living, there isn't much struggle or resistance, although there has been and I faced that resistance, but even if it does come back one way or another, I've realized how I can support myself in making a schedule a routine and sticking it out regardless of the resistance.
But then I still find extra time in my day where my intimidate attraction is to entertainment and media and this feeling deep down that becomes fulfilled once I indulge it.
Than the question again of, for right now, for example I can just muster the strength to say, I'm going to spend some extra time writing self forgiveness and investigation, but to what end? My utmost potential would be a far more limited entertainment time, and much more writing and self forgiveness.
I realize what will be best is to take the steps one at time, not rushing or assuming into anything all at once, so I realize there's this judgement like I'm bad for not pushing myself beyond my conceptions of what I'm capable of and what I'm going to live and create in my lifetime.
It's become just a pattern, every night I can see how I could do more, sometimes will draw a line, sometimes will push myself, and sometimes will just stand down all together, but all the while the judgement of seeing myself as failing as seeing my utmost and not putting the hammer down and achieving it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not going to achieve anything because of how I like to indulge in games and interesting videos on the internet instead of doing 'more' with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticized myself through judgement as if that justifies me judging myself and hating on myself but not doing anything to change myself if that's what I really believed would be best for me.
Because then I remember, sometimes I think, it is my utmost to have balance, to explore different avenues sometimes, but to just work on my stable point of my blog, and allowing everything else to blossom naturally, allowing me to have fun, until maybe one day I realize this fun isn't what it used to be, and maybe then I could possibly change things up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not going for my utmost potential as I've perceived it, as I realize I've seen my utmost potential as being all kinds of things that in retrospect were not being and becoming anything in my best interest had I just taken a step back and reassess within self honesty.
So I'm always looking and trying to isolate what's best for myself in these kinds of situations like time management, but I clearly haven't proven to myself that I in any way know what is best for me in how I manage my time outside of a few minor points I've realized and have begun living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in video games and media to the point that I do lose sleep, and I do lose the drive within me to make something of myself, which is a point to draw the line with myself.
So I can identify when things are getting out of hand in that direction of just giving up on anything else in my life and wanting to forget about my problems or financial situation.
So with the way things are going, I wouldn't want to beat myself up over anything in general over anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I chose to play games or watch tv instead of pushing myself to write more self forgiveness and do more practical things and activities, as I realize this regret just keeps cycling over and over but doesn't support me to change the same way just deciding and committing myself to change would be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always need to watch tv and play games on a regular basis to be content, as I realize this isn't true either, just through being able to in a single day, go to work, write, take care of responsibilities and go to bed and it's not the end of the world at all, I wouldn't even remember about games and tv because I enjoy myself at work and while writing, so I know the potential is there to change my living if I chose to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as wasting my time when I just zone out watching videos and playing games just waiting for my next job shift or responsibility to arise.
I realize in this patterns of regret, and judgement, how little purpose these things serve but to justify my actions, like at least I know it's wrong, but then I'm actively living something I believe to be 'wrong', and am believing it's wrong just out of judgement and assumptions which aren't valid.
It really comes down to a matter of working on things step by step, realizing it's a process, and not beating myself up as I try to navigate my world, which is all this has turned into me beating myself up and justifying that as enough reparations for my crime of wanting to just play games and utilize that as a way to relax after working and writing and doing whatever else I did during the day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up over the decisions I make, where at the very least, if I'm making the decision, than live it, love it, it's my decision, so why would I do it half hearted, as if to say I know this is wrong, which is just a judgement, but at least I payed the price of guilt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for spending a lot of time playing games in the past, as I realize where I am now as my life right now I've learned excessive moderation and balance and am proceeding with great pace and fortitude because of that, so I see I'm still trying to act and live in a way where I'm trying to change the way I perceive myself as being lazy and a waste of flesh based on the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself specifically for having in the past played a lot of games for hours on end whenever I could.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being worthless for spending so much time without looking into any other parts of my life.
I get it though, being younger and just having to go to high-school and not having to work, until I turned 18, that's what I wanted to live and express as life unconditionally, just like my feelings or dreams or emotions, but as I've grown a little bit older, I'm beginning to realize there are conditions, and things weren't as perfect as I thought they were, and they were bound to clash with reality at some point, so instead of judging, I look and I see and now I realize a very crucial emotion within the regret, is the fear of facing the world as myself, when I where I am now could just settle back in, I'd be working a lot, but I'd still have plenty of time to just play games, and that could be my life, to just work and play, so then I see, why make the extra push? Where do I really expect things to lead to?
I'm begged of so many questions that I realize why I'm in my predicament and how little room to budge there is.
Deep down I know that I don't want to let go of my drive and I don't want to let go of giving myself that extra push towards success within myself, but I see a lot of baggage as well, which could still catch up to me if not dealt with.
So it all comes down to the question of how far can I go? How far am I going to push myself?
But for now, I leave myself with that question, yet without question I commit myself to push myself as far as I can, even though it won't always be what I want, it'll be what's best for me.
When and as I see myself judging myself for playing games and not doing more productive actives, I stop, I breathe, I realize in just letting go of my judgement in self forgiveness for one minute, I realize just how deep it goes, where it's not what's right or wrong to do one activity or another, within the decision to push myself to do more or to play more is an existential crisis I'm not even slightly aware of until just now in giving myself that extra push, thusly I commit myself to not judge myself for playing games as I realize what playing represents to me is much more deeper then the surface level judgement lets on, and I commit myself to remember and apply this listen in other realms of my life as I realize just how much depth something can have once you strip away that first pointless layer of judgement feeling and emotion.