Matt's Writings

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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 16 Jun 2016, 03:12

I was looking at how all my compressed and built up fears tend to eventually break down and catch up to me.

One of my fears that I have consistently, which consistently ends up breaking me down, is the fear of work, of having to go into work and face all the fears and anxieties in relationship to diffrent responsibilities and relationships.

In losing a job.

The interesting thing I was thinking about losing a job is that I can get a new job in theory, and I have 3 jobs and my mom or someone will always be there if I really was out of look in the job market, and with planning on going to school I can get a degree to help me get a better job, and be more valuable in the job market.

So, it's a very personal, egocentric thing about having a job, I have too much pride in my jobs, I'm compensating for a lack of belief in myself and self trust, I'm trying to build myself up through work, which is supportive in that I can find who I am in the world, which is more hard working and dicipline then I'd ever believed, but about that pride, comes the fear of losing a job, losing my place in the world, losing my courage, losing my nerve, losing my pride.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not find pride and strength in myself to go out and make something of myself in the world, speaking financially supporting myself first and foremost, and whatever comes later would be another question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I would give up and become unmotivated if I ever lost a job and had to redefine myself as not having that job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my work instead of realizing who I am as work on a grander scale, as working to make an income to financially support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mom won't back me up if I ever needed a place to stay to start over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to start over with a new job and having to rebuild all my self trust and momentum.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up my momentum and drive within myself based on separation as trying to reach the drive of which my jobs require of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not building up any drive within myself if I didn't have a job to force me to have self driven motion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking advantage of my mom as not working to move out of the house one day and living on my own, supporting all of my own financial needs.

I commit myself to be self driven and motivated no matter what the circumstance even if I lost a job, as I realize I cannot separate my self trust end self motivation into things working out for me on a personal preference level.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I need to be self motivated, and act out of a feeling and sense of obligation to make myself someone within my world.

I feel like I actually specifically got into the root of one of biggest anxieties, like I realized the strength and will from within myself.

I'm going to tie this up while I'm still focused, because there is a hawk which just caught a bird on my fense and that was pretty distracting, but I realize myself as being able to live like this hawk, to hunt down a job and be independent, so I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I fear losing my self will and self motivation to make myself in the world and falling back on my mom if I ever lost a job and needed a new one, as I realize I'm equal to the hawk just able to live and function and work and support myself, and I thank that hawk for living and hunting and I follow his example.

Another fear just opened up of the lives of certain individuals I've encountered who are on drugs and the lengths they go to for them to thrive while maintaining a drug habit.

I'm actually pissed off, so I just refocused myself back on my breathing, because it's like, I make steady progress everyday, why in the hell do I have to open up another point right after I just worked on addressing something else, and had just written my blog for today as well? Today is my day off, so I'm going to take the opprituinuty, because it lines up well with my time frame for today.

I realize how related it is, in how I fear becoming so desperate and hostile as these many many people I've seen and become intertwined with out here in Tucson, and the key point I bring up is that the only drug habit I'm participating in is cigarettes which im working on, and probably sugar too because I drink soda a lot, but it's not the same, I'm not these people, this empathetic fear what if I had to live and survive the way these people I've met is not part of my life, and never will be, don't speak too soon though.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the lengths I would have to go if I ever reached rock bottom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living a life of hell and depravity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for others and what they are going through, as I realize this fear is not empathy, it's me placing myself in their shoes, which is a fantastic opportunity to have, for me to realize how low things can go, and make the decision now, while I still can, to remain steadfast in my convictions, to not give up on myself, before things could ever reach the point where I would risk giving up, and giving into a life I don't want to see for myself or anyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what my life would come to if I got caught up in drugs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing head on and having to make the decision to try to make something good of my life even if I were faced with tragedy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for the lifestyle they are living, as I realize they in their minds, and possibly in reality, may have no other choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing as one and equal with the sick, poor, and disenfranchised, as I realize myself as making the best I can of a good and healthy life, where even if I ever were pressed out of my element and comfort zone, that I might still have a chance to make something of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the depths of hell creeping into my own life, and my own home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define hell as a place of no return, where if I ever got caught up in the shit storm of financial strife and struggle, that I would have no one to fall to, but myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how close hell on earth is for me and my home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to stand in the face of hell and persecution for my wealth being born into my family where we never had to struggle to make ends meet.

I commit myself to act in the best of my abilities to not antagonize nor taunt hell into my life, as I realize myself as being able to face hell if I had too, but having the opprituinuty to avoid it at all costs.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself fearing having the lives of other's in financial and physical strife and pain, as I realize self responsability for making something of my own life and taking care of myself first, as one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life to that of other's in diffrent financial situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the inequality of the money system will seek vengeance on me for my situation of relative security and comfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as one and equal to the monetary coin flip of birthright when I compare my situation to other's and fear the light of day, should I ever be in their shoes, as I realize I'm not them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other's in diffrent financial situations and lifestyles than mine, as I realize myself as being able to relate and understand as one and equal, as not having to go a mile in their shoes, but realizing all shoes as one and equal.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself comparing the financial burden and lifestyles of other's onto me, as I realize the consequences of this separation are simply not an option, so I must remain steadfast and true to myself as one and equal, responsible for myself and my own well being first and foremost, only able to support where I've found support exsisting already within myself.

Makes sense to me.

Another point comes up... in relationship to sadness towards people in worse situations then me, but I have other things I need to do now, so I realize what does this sadness accomplish? Beyond suppressing my deep underlying fear of coming into contact with someone so low that they would slight me without hesitation if they could get their hands on me. This sadness is a lie, which I do not condone. Be the change, end of question.



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viktor
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby viktor » 19 Jun 2016, 09:09

Interesting point Mathew, I can relate to it.

One thing that I have seen when it comes to the fear of losing my job, is that it is not about the job per say, it is not about the money either, it is about what we BELIEVE might happen IF we lose our job, and IF we have no money; such as for example being homeless, being without opportunities, becoming depressed, becoming sad, becoming a 'nobody' in the world system. And looking more closely at these points, we can see that it is not about our physical reality at all, instead the fear of losing our job and being without money reveals deeper truths about ourselves. For example, that we do no trust ourselves, that we have no confidence or sense of value, that we believe ourselves to be incompetent and powerless. Thus these fears are cool in the sense that we can utilize them to investigate ourselves, and develop an intimacy with ourselves, and know ourselves better – and then to obviously – correct these deeper relationships and patterns within ourselves – so we can live to our fullest potential.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 26 Jun 2016, 10:07

I'm really scared of not being very specific in my self forgiveness.

I'm worried about it becoming therapeutic and more of a placebo, when I look at the evidence of what's occurring internally within me, as well as externally in my actions in the real world I don't see any reason to not trust myself, that maybe I'm just going through a phase of writing a little different, it's really caught up to me, and I even feel it corresponding outside of my writing where I feel kind of vague in the way I speak to people, in the way I am, I don't feel very sharp.

If I could tell myself what I think, I'd say stay focused on the act of self forgiveness itself, of the act of breathing while doing self forgiveness, and then there's nothing to think about, unless I really have a particular point I want to write about then don't worry about being specific, or writing about or in a certain way.

I have so much on my mind all the time, it's hard to muster the strength to take on a specific point, all the while seeing how it's just one small piece of a day full of endless points to be dealt with just like it.

So I feel like with trying to be broad, I'm just trying to sweep everything together in one pile, trying to encompass everything all at once, like I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to my best potential in any way.

It just gets to a point like that, where I don't even know what I mean, and then by the time I write a commitment statement to me it means something, but I don't know that it's as efficient when I'm not effectively rounding up everything I've written.

The blog I just wrote a little earlier for my 7 year journey to life, I felt was very broad, but to me it had tremendous impact, tremendous realizations, it was a tremendous way to round up my whole day, and to me I am living what I wrote, and am placing and utilizing all the components correctly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don't do my self forgiveness the 'correct way' that it will not be applicable to my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge self forgiveness, as I realize how this idea of correct has built up where I don't really understand self forgiveness and corrective statements beyond the evidence that to me it all works and comes together and allows you to change yourself.

That's a good place to start, why would I be able to totally comprehend and understand something without practicing it, and giving it time, and making mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self forgiveness and commitment statements not coming together in one cohesive piece, because I fear not accomplishing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don't be specific and write out things the best I can that they will not progress very fast for me in how I change my living.

So I want to change and live all the endless potential I have seen in real life exsistance, but I'm pushing myself there, where I'm dragging my feet in the sand saying with part of me, I want to do things at this pace that I'm comfortable with, then another part of me, just wants to go really fast, but is lacking a lot of direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to change internally, because I want external results.

There are some external results I do want, I want to do a little better in how I interact with a lot of different people, I want to do good at work and school, but I don't see myself needing to push myself all that extra hard to start improving on these things.

I don't like this race to be sharp and preform well and be effective in my writing technique lately, I'm finding myself torn between more than one idea of what is best for me in my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stay on topic in my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don't remain sharp and focused I will drift off into nothingness in my writing, and will just start stringing words together with no relevance or meaning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self forgiveness and it's potential.

I realize I actually fear my own potential, to be real, or to be fake.

I commit myself to stop rushing myself to understand and effectively act out self forgiveness, as I allow myself to learn about self forgiveness through self honesty and trial and error, just as I learn about myself that way.

When and as I see myself going into fear that my self forgiveness is not as valuable as it could be because it's not specific enough, I stop, I breathe, I realize that self forgiveness is about me for me as life, not about being right or correct, as I realize how through schooling I've learnt a very stringent idea of how to get to a result, to calculate an answer, and I realize self forgiveness is not about doing things the 'right way', but about doing what supports me to reach my best potential here physically, thusly, I commit myself to let myself be broad, and let myself go way off track, and see how judgement comes into play more when I write online apposed to alone, where when I feel safe with myself, I can write about anything anyway I want and can learn more that way, but when I judge myself in comparison to others I limit and box myself in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my self forgiveness and self correction statements to that of other's out of judgement of superiority and inferiority, I commit myself to put a pin in this point, but continue to investigate as it comes up in my life and reality to be observed.



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barbara
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby barbara » 26 Jun 2016, 12:03

Hey Matt!

Cool points to look at!
When and as I see myself going into fear that my self forgiveness is not as valuable as it could be because it's not specific enough, I stop, I breathe, I realize that self forgiveness is about me for me as life, not about being right or correct, as I realize how through schooling I've learnt a very stringent idea of how to get to a result, to calculate an answer, and I realize self forgiveness is not about doing things the 'right way', but about doing what supports me to reach my best potential here physically, thusly, I commit myself to let myself be broad, and let myself go way off track, and see how judgement comes into play more when I write online apposed to alone, where when I feel safe with myself, I can write about anything anyway I want and can learn more that way, but when I judge myself in comparison to others I limit and box myself in.
It's cool to investigate what judgments come in when you go off track and to correct yourself pertaining to them. However it seems contradictory to me to say you commit to allowing going off track because it seems you would allow yourself to not-be self-directive. Thus, I would have a look at past moments in which you went off-track and what judgments reared their heads pertaining to the events. So no need to allow ineffective rambling - so a point of self-honesty here wherein one could ask oneself: 'Am I actually specific enough to provide myself with support here?' or 'Am I getting it all out in the open by being 'broad' whereby I allow myself to see it all and direct it better?'

Thanks for sharing!



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 30 Jun 2016, 10:01

Yesterday in my blog, I realized how I can commit myself to do things I don't want to do, but know are in my best interest.

I see how in directing myself to do something I don't want to do, but realize is best for me, I have a chance to face resistance within me head on.

Sometimes I'm in the mood to do a lot of self forgiveness and writing, the past few weeks I've wanted to do my blog for an hour a day, and that's it, and that's my decided minimum for one day.

So, I don't want to write extra lately, because I just want to 'chill out', and remain in my chilled out pattern, where I do whatever I'm in the mood for, which isn't to do extra writing, it's to lounge around and watch some videos, just for entertainment.

So, one thing that came in up relationship to my resistance to written more is I thought, how far am I expected to take this?

In my mind the thought came up of, if it's best for me to objectively write self forgiveness over watching people playing video games, which is an example of the kind of strictly entertainment videos I would watch, if it's strictly better, why just write a little extra on the forum? Why not take it to the extreme and only ever spend every waking moment of my life being involved and disciplined within developing my process?

For one, I know that however much I'd like to think anything is possible, I've made commitments for myself that I couldn't live up to, and I know what is best is to make commitments within reason which I can realize why it's best, see the resistance, and apply myself practically.

So that extreme of why not just take it to this end point, or just not do it all, is just a mind boggle, a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take steps of progress within myself when faced with the thought and idea of the 'end point'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take things one step at a time when my mind jumps to an end point which has yet to be walked, lived, nor present itself yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the intimidation of what is required of me to reach the 'end point', stand in my way of creating myself one moment, one breathe, one piece at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on what's best for me when I see what must be done, commit myself to do something, and then begin to waver within my conviction when faced with resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that resistance wasn't part of wasn't a part of my process, and that I didn't have to apply myself or do anything and that everything would just fall into place.

I basically wish I was just a zombie.

I can still be a zombie, I could live the word zombie, as always acting on what's best for me as life unconditionally always, so then I'd be a zombie with principles.

So this zombie thing is more like wanting to have an easy ride.

Which even that is plausible, because self forgiveness makes my life easier.

So, maybe it has more to do with having to make decisions.

Decisions are a lot of pressure, I can see what's best for me, see why I should be doing a certain thing, but I still have to find that will, that force of being to make the decision and move myself to action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my decisions being made for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being forced to do something I did not want to do, or was not ready for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent feeling like I've never made my own decisions in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as making the wrong decisions when I did have a change to make decisions in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for making selfish decisions in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent making decisions which have made me seem like I'm not who I'd like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as someone who I wouldn't be proud to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let pride cloud my judgement as affecting the decisions I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the memories of decisions I made within my mind wishing that the memories would change, instead of just changing myself in relationship to the memories, as a reference point.

So, one step at a time, decisions, wanting things to just fall into place.

Wanting things to fall into place on their own, and not having to make the decision to walk my utmost potential one step at a time with all the resistance and discipline required.

I'm think about how a zombie drags its feet, and stumbles about, and that's another part of wanting things to just fall into place, I want to just stumble upon something of substance, to just happen upon all the right answers.

When and as I see myself taking things to the end point and then feeling discouraged at what is required of me, I stop, I breathe, I realize this is just a thought, I realize this does not reflect the real waking process that must be walked, and I commit myself to continue to apply myself step by step, where sometimes I will see what is best for me, and go against it, making the road longer and harder, but showing me the part of me that is required to be acknowledged and forgiven before I can move forward.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 03 Jul 2016, 07:25

I like video games a lot.

I also like videos of people taking about things like worldly events, or video games, or just anything entertaining.

I love being entertained in my mind, but I hate when I wake up the next day and realize I'm not ready for today, I didn't prepare for today, I didn't strike a balance, I didn't accomplish what I needed to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel degraded by having to prepare for tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it for granted when my parents set up and prepared everything for me when I was little.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become trapped in my mind of the past where everything was handed to me and I was just pointed in the right direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to the bus stop on my own for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something bad would happen when I went to the bus stop by myself for the first time to go to school when I was little.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being my own man, and wanting to remain sheltered and guided by my parents.

I remember being nervous before going to kindergarten for the first day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going to kindergarten by becoming emotionally sad and angry and upset, because I felt like I wasn't ready.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never be ready for anything totally and fully go into something saying I'm going to do this I'm going to succeed.

I forgive myself hat I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and live the same program I have lived since I can recall my very first memories.

I never let go of my fear of being my own man, my own being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my feet my entire life, always afraid of everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go along for the ride my whole life without questioning what is unraveling before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent going to school everyday of every year just as I did the very first day of kindergarten.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep pressing forward without looking back and realizing that everything traces back through memory.

I commit myself to stop reliving my memories of the past as personality and behaviours.

When and as I see myself living out a personality or a character, I stop, I breathe, I realize what I'm doing the way I'm acting, is based on the past, thusly, I commit myself to recognize where my personality and behaviours come from so I can stand in those moments and decide for myself who am I going to be, and what am I missing out on when I hold myself onto the past so much.

I realize that I have programmed myself from my very first memories to be afraid of responsibility, and to then prefer to hide within escapism, trying to not face what I've created through entertainment.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 04 Jul 2016, 00:01

I feel fat.

I've written and done self forgiveness for feeling fat and judging my stomach in the past, but since then I've realized that there's no quick fixes, things take a lot of depth and investigating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrict my body by trying to suck in my stomach so I won't look fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own body by restricting my ability to breathe and work with my own body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word as inferior for having a big stomach and belly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be ok with having a big belly, because that's who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body for being large and being hard to work with, where I'm not questioning how I allowed my living and diet to create who I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being large in my belly area because I believe it's formed from not being diciplined and lounging around and eating a lot and not really constantly being active.

So now it's like I'm fighting uphill, trying to be active constantly and consistently within my life but it's an uphill battle because I'm trying to change out of judgement, trying to be someone better without forgiving myself for judging myself and living in a complacent way to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work against my own body, leaving me drained and feeling deprived, where I'm trying to live out of judgement of myself and my body, but don't really have much grasp of how to be standing one with who I am as my body, and how to cooperate with and as my own body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not cooperate with my body, because I've defined my body as not good enough and something to overcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things harder on my body as if my body should be punished to be diciplined and to burn off my weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as one and equal to the creation process of my body as myself when I'm living in judgement of inadequacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge fat as gross.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge fat people as failures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a perfect human being as not being over weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to look at my stomach when I let my gut out and am not trying to supress my physical form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge belly's through my perception of what is attractive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have an attractive belly instead of working with my belly as my own without restrictive label.

I've put a lot of pressure on my body to be perfect and it's very tiring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put pressure on my body to mold itself into what I want, without putting that effort in as one and equal as myself, as willing myself to change equal to who I am without judging what i am now nor what I'd like to be, just realizing I don't see my body as being at It's utmost potential and that I'd like to change to become better.

I forgive myself that I have acceoted and allowed myself to try to change my body from the point of judgement and emotion instead of as living change for what's best as who I am.

I commit myself to be able to look at my body for what it is without judgement.

When and as I see myself viewing my body through the lens of judgement as being gross, I stop, I breathe, I realize this label does not help me understand who I am not how I've become who I am, thusly, I commit myself to look at my body for what it is so I can work with and understand my body without holding myself within emotional supression and judgement.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 06 Jul 2016, 09:34

I want to watch videos of games and envelop myself within that right now.

League of Legends, Heartstone, funny videos, movie and game reviews, memes.

But every time I think to myself I could be more proactive and do more for myself if I didn't limit myself to the capacity of how much I feel like doing something, which would then weigh in on binging on videos of people talking about things, or the news, or something interesting.

First thing is that I've been doing well in making schedules which I can then stick to, like my journey to life blog everyday for an hour, I've been very consistent with that, to the point that it's just part of my daily living, there isn't much struggle or resistance, although there has been and I faced that resistance, but even if it does come back one way or another, I've realized how I can support myself in making a schedule a routine and sticking it out regardless of the resistance.

But then I still find extra time in my day where my intimidate attraction is to entertainment and media and this feeling deep down that becomes fulfilled once I indulge it.

Than the question again of, for right now, for example I can just muster the strength to say, I'm going to spend some extra time writing self forgiveness and investigation, but to what end? My utmost potential would be a far more limited entertainment time, and much more writing and self forgiveness.

I realize what will be best is to take the steps one at time, not rushing or assuming into anything all at once, so I realize there's this judgement like I'm bad for not pushing myself beyond my conceptions of what I'm capable of and what I'm going to live and create in my lifetime.

It's become just a pattern, every night I can see how I could do more, sometimes will draw a line, sometimes will push myself, and sometimes will just stand down all together, but all the while the judgement of seeing myself as failing as seeing my utmost and not putting the hammer down and achieving it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not going to achieve anything because of how I like to indulge in games and interesting videos on the internet instead of doing 'more' with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticized myself through judgement as if that justifies me judging myself and hating on myself but not doing anything to change myself if that's what I really believed would be best for me.

Because then I remember, sometimes I think, it is my utmost to have balance, to explore different avenues sometimes, but to just work on my stable point of my blog, and allowing everything else to blossom naturally, allowing me to have fun, until maybe one day I realize this fun isn't what it used to be, and maybe then I could possibly change things up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not going for my utmost potential as I've perceived it, as I realize I've seen my utmost potential as being all kinds of things that in retrospect were not being and becoming anything in my best interest had I just taken a step back and reassess within self honesty.

So I'm always looking and trying to isolate what's best for myself in these kinds of situations like time management, but I clearly haven't proven to myself that I in any way know what is best for me in how I manage my time outside of a few minor points I've realized and have begun living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in video games and media to the point that I do lose sleep, and I do lose the drive within me to make something of myself, which is a point to draw the line with myself.

So I can identify when things are getting out of hand in that direction of just giving up on anything else in my life and wanting to forget about my problems or financial situation.

So with the way things are going, I wouldn't want to beat myself up over anything in general over anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I chose to play games or watch tv instead of pushing myself to write more self forgiveness and do more practical things and activities, as I realize this regret just keeps cycling over and over but doesn't support me to change the same way just deciding and committing myself to change would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always need to watch tv and play games on a regular basis to be content, as I realize this isn't true either, just through being able to in a single day, go to work, write, take care of responsibilities and go to bed and it's not the end of the world at all, I wouldn't even remember about games and tv because I enjoy myself at work and while writing, so I know the potential is there to change my living if I chose to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as wasting my time when I just zone out watching videos and playing games just waiting for my next job shift or responsibility to arise.

I realize in this patterns of regret, and judgement, how little purpose these things serve but to justify my actions, like at least I know it's wrong, but then I'm actively living something I believe to be 'wrong', and am believing it's wrong just out of judgement and assumptions which aren't valid.

It really comes down to a matter of working on things step by step, realizing it's a process, and not beating myself up as I try to navigate my world, which is all this has turned into me beating myself up and justifying that as enough reparations for my crime of wanting to just play games and utilize that as a way to relax after working and writing and doing whatever else I did during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up over the decisions I make, where at the very least, if I'm making the decision, than live it, love it, it's my decision, so why would I do it half hearted, as if to say I know this is wrong, which is just a judgement, but at least I payed the price of guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for spending a lot of time playing games in the past, as I realize where I am now as my life right now I've learned excessive moderation and balance and am proceeding with great pace and fortitude because of that, so I see I'm still trying to act and live in a way where I'm trying to change the way I perceive myself as being lazy and a waste of flesh based on the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself specifically for having in the past played a lot of games for hours on end whenever I could.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being worthless for spending so much time without looking into any other parts of my life.

I get it though, being younger and just having to go to high-school and not having to work, until I turned 18, that's what I wanted to live and express as life unconditionally, just like my feelings or dreams or emotions, but as I've grown a little bit older, I'm beginning to realize there are conditions, and things weren't as perfect as I thought they were, and they were bound to clash with reality at some point, so instead of judging, I look and I see and now I realize a very crucial emotion within the regret, is the fear of facing the world as myself, when I where I am now could just settle back in, I'd be working a lot, but I'd still have plenty of time to just play games, and that could be my life, to just work and play, so then I see, why make the extra push? Where do I really expect things to lead to?

I'm begged of so many questions that I realize why I'm in my predicament and how little room to budge there is.

Deep down I know that I don't want to let go of my drive and I don't want to let go of giving myself that extra push towards success within myself, but I see a lot of baggage as well, which could still catch up to me if not dealt with.

So it all comes down to the question of how far can I go? How far am I going to push myself?

But for now, I leave myself with that question, yet without question I commit myself to push myself as far as I can, even though it won't always be what I want, it'll be what's best for me.

When and as I see myself judging myself for playing games and not doing more productive actives, I stop, I breathe, I realize in just letting go of my judgement in self forgiveness for one minute, I realize just how deep it goes, where it's not what's right or wrong to do one activity or another, within the decision to push myself to do more or to play more is an existential crisis I'm not even slightly aware of until just now in giving myself that extra push, thusly I commit myself to not judge myself for playing games as I realize what playing represents to me is much more deeper then the surface level judgement lets on, and I commit myself to remember and apply this listen in other realms of my life as I realize just how much depth something can have once you strip away that first pointless layer of judgement feeling and emotion.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 07 Jul 2016, 03:53

One of my goals within self forgiveness has been to make things easier for me.

Like going into work and being at work shouldn't have so much resistance.

I've been doing well in that regard, being able to enjoy work and do a good job, but that almost seems to have been achieved by me working on myself and trying to improve, which isn't easy, so I think about how it's the underlying yearning to just have things roll out and unfold for me without any effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things to be easy for me, when I have realized the more effort I put in the more I'm rewarded within my living.

Exercise, eating better, working, writting, going to school is not easy, but it's rewarding.

I forgive myself that I have acceoted and allowed myself to hold onto my idea of having an easy inconsequential life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the past where I just played in my free time and didn't try hard at school, and I wasn't rewarded or punished, it was like tbings just were on hold, nothing really happened.

I realize as being equal to the world around me, if I don't make decisions and actions and live someone else will rise to the occasion and make decision for me in my life and my decisions and actions like how my parents decided where I would go to school and what activities I would do when I was little.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify all the good feelings that camr with not having any responsibility, where I see I've left myself with very little direction in my life, I've left myself mentally unstable, because it was easier to just let things unfold on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and allow things just unfolding on their own as acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have acceoted and allowed myself to tolerate anything within me just unfolding on it's own as I realize how I've created myself within separation from what's best for life, the result of said creation just unfolding is a perplexingly not good idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that things are never going to unfold within my life on their own in a way that is in my best intrest as life, and that only me directing myself as life will create the results which I'd be happy about.

How would I redefine easy within me?

I'd define easy as being a point where I have stabilized and master something to point that it is redundant, it takes no or little effort, because at one point it was hard, but I kept going until it was no longer difficult.

I realize I want to master my life and go through all the hard parts until things are all easy for me, but I realize when that time arises, in any way, I commit myself to not grow complacent with things being easy, as I commit myself to always find another challenge, because I realize that is what is required of me, si that's what I'm commitinf to even though it's not what I want within my mind as energy, where energy is easy to program, but has proven very consequential when principled living is not taken into account.

When and as I see myself wanting things to just unravel and unfold on their own because it would be easy, I stop, I breathe, I realize it would be easy from the perspective of energy feeling and satisfaction, but on my body and on my living in all ways that'd I'd like to actually matter, it would just be me submitting my surrender, awaiting death while having everything around me just unfold like a movie, thusly, I commit myself to recognize the illusion within easy money, easy decision, easy living, as I realize for these things to be and have become easy I would have had to achieve, master, and perfect something, and if I can't identify what I've perfected in my living in self honesty, then it's my mind which has perfected in self and it's programming and that's why things are becoming easy, so the fact that my day off is becoming the most difficult day to live with for me, I realize this is because when I have to work, write, go to school, I am perfecting myself within my living amd so things become easy and I have to keep challenging myself, but on my day off where I don't want to do anything, I'm realizing there is no relief in that, there is only postponing me becoming the self perfection I'd like to see through time and effort and self movement and self honesty.

Why is it hard for me to have a day off, because I'm faced with who I am if I were rich or when I was younger, where if I could I'd just tune off and shut everything out, because that would make it easy for the systems within me to go unquestioned and then everything would just unfold in time, but I don't have time on my side in reality.

It's scary to imagine continuously taking on more challenge in my life, but there's something comforting in
changing how I live and define the word 'easy', it's like I can be self directive, maybe some areas of my life I will let remain easy, and others I will seek the most challenge or reward, but it's like I realize I don't need to fear being active nor complacent just understanding how it all works and have been lived gives me freedom to live what I'd like to have for myself.



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Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 09 Jul 2016, 22:47

The opposite of a friend is an enemy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the friend/enemy construct within myself.

I realize friend and enemy should be cut out as it stands in how I'm living, all of life should be standing together and supporting each other unconditionally, without tags or friend or enemy.

A friend or an enemy is based on if someone serves my self intrest or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others based on if they serve my self intrest or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others on if they allow me to maintain my ego.

I can see my ego and how it's constructed within my living when I see what's best for me, but create mental gymnastics to avoid facing and addressing why I refuse to do what's best.

A friend aligns with supporting me that I'm fine the way I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always be faced with having to choose what I realize is best, and always having to make the decision to act and stand as what's best on principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize friendship to remain ignorant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize friendship to remain in fear.

How do I redefine friend and enemy?

I'm a friend when I stand for what I realize is best for life as equal as myself.

I'm an enemy when I don't stand for what I realize is best for life as equal to myself.

I have to realize how and where to stand as a friend of life within myself first.

Once I started writing with Desteni again, and actively promote and stand for self forgiveness and equality to the best degree I could, all of a sudden, I don't have anyone in my life who I seek out to forget to supress myself with. To pass the time with.

No one in real interaction.

Now my friends are just the people I work with at my jobs, just people who I enjoy and am cooperating with and working with.

Also the people I watch on the internet, like watching people play games and who talk about the world and politics, but I don't even talk to those people, so it's like the only way left in my life to satisfy my yearning for friendship is through people who have no choice, people who have to work with me and that's the only time I see them, or people who's job it is to entertain like actors or comedians.

I commit myself to stop seeking people out as friends and I commit myself to start seeking people out as support and cooperation as unity and mutual agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my status based on my friends and aquatintes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use friends to feel superior, when I was compensating for how inferior I felt and how I didn't know what to do with my life, when friends didn't help with that they just subverted it within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when friends gossip about each other, as I realize how everyone is playing the same game within friendship to strengthen how we perceive each other seeking to make myself seen the best.

It's so confusing that I have just been sticking with what I know, I say here's my blog and here's self forgiveness and this is what is important to me, and that doesn't yield me any friends, but I think that's for the best, because I'd rather do that then hide what matters to me so I won't go into conflict with the people who I want to entertain me and make me feel better about myself.

When and as I see myself percieveing someone as a friend or an enemy, I stop, I breathe, and I realize for myself what this construct actually represents within me, and what promoting it within my perception achieves for me, thusly, I commit myself to stand for friendship which best supports life, as I realize that I don't know exactly what that means right now, but through disecting the friendships and relationships I have been living I can forgive all of that to make room for a new living word and defenition in my living.




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