Matt's Writings

User avatar
Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
Contact:

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 10 Feb 2018, 05:18

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationship to X falling apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless not seeing how I can actively do anything to immidetely secure my relationsihp to X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no control over my relationship to X except for doing the best I can to support and mantain the relationship in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate having to live with my real time creation of my relationship to X unable to retroactively change what's occured or affect things outside of my real time application in interaction words deeds real interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a means of control over my relationship to X instead of working with the reality of what it is in real time actions words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in relationsihp to relationships being two way where I can't make things work in a relationship if someone else is not intrested in an equal agreement to make things work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emtional reaction of despair that I must face who I'd be without a relationship to X because it's right here as me in the fact of agreement being two way where my desire to control an agreement is a point I'm facing in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I would be so good in a relationship to function in reality taht I wouldn't have to eventually face my disiullsion of a agreement being more then an equal agreement that requires both to be aligned where I can't force another to align with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to force X to remain in alignment with me to mantain our relationship/agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look externally to how to control an agreement within myself instead of sorting thigns out on my end alone and accepting that as what's best, as the best I can do for myself and the other without going into compromise manipulation of the araingment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into depression in response to manipulate myself to appease my depression by trying to force the other person to mantain the relationship through my order/control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus inwardly as improving myself in hygine orgainzation exercise living word to improve myself for myself and another as a partner as taking care of myself and another in taking care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively believe that I'm effective enough for a relationship without constant matanaince on myself through writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego compromise the effectiveness of my relationship by thinking I'm so effective that I can write out my relationship sparingnly without needing to do what's best for myself and another by constantly working on the agreement on my end in writing things out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having caused consquences in my relationship to X due to my self assurance that I can write things out sparingly in relationship to them without making sure I get into detail and become as effective as possible in the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm only capable of walking out my relationship with X to such an extenet that writing is pointless in some ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to play out the relationship by ear instead of managing it on my end through my tools to support and assist myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my relationship to X entirely on fate by going with the flow in trusting something outside of myself to secure the relationship instead of playing the role of director over my own actions agreement and acceptance in the relationship entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bet my relationship with X on a dice roll instead of managing my own end of the relationshiop not concering myself with forces out of my hands which I don't know of and don't concern who I must be and do as the best for any relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship with X as special that I must place it in the hands of something external as if I"m infeiror to the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unconsioulsy put myself in an infeiror position within my relationship to X by not actively managing the personal end of the agreement relationship through my tools of self support for me and X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paint X as inferior to my relationship to them by leaving the relationship on both ends up to forces outside of direct human decesion and action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my relationship with X is better off left to fate as if fate knows best for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fate with X where there is no order of human action and decesion but only reading into things from a point of sepeartion and self victimization.

WHen and as I see myself leaving my relationship with X up to fate, I stop, I breathe, I realize that even mildly letting this system slip into my relationship with X has lead to consquences for me and X as me not taking the best care of myself and thus X within the relationship agreement of two people supporting each other, thus, I commit myself to breathe and to accept full responsaiblity for all personal aspects of my relationship to X, I commit myself to stop participating in all ideas of letting fate play things out where I then actively supress the things I can do on my end and leave the relationship up in the air in no mans imagination land where external forces decide because they know what's best over living beings.



User avatar
Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
Contact:

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 13 Feb 2018, 04:07

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed by all the thoughts I still have in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as that I should be past having so many thoughts in coming up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be past having certain thoughts and so many thoughts that I could feel like I've accomplished something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a better direction over managing and stopping my thoughts to give me value instead of from a place of actually caring about managing my thoughts for the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about managing and stoping my thoguhts from a point of ego seeing myself as a better more powerful person if I can manage and stop thoughts more effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stop and manage my thoughts but not put the time and application into writing out day to day my relationship to certain thoughts and what changes and how I can actively work with myself though the day to direct and stop the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge thoughts as trivial and not as important as other points when thoughts can represent much deeper poitns that are slipping into my mind in the form of thoughts.

I forgive myself that I ahve accepted and allowed myself to look to my relationship to thoughts for how I can manipulate where I see myself in my process rather then actually change my position in process by actually putting the work and effort into studying and directing thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a space within me where I don't expereince thoughts and then define that as actually having stopped thoughts when it's just an energetic temporary meditation space which doesn't stand up but for moments where I can pretend to be zen and not be having thoughts when I'm just not aware of them within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus more on stopping thoughts through force then actually changing to a position where there simply aren't the thoughts coming up because I've changed that part of myself natrually through time and application and writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create even more stress and anxiety within myself by forcing down and manipulating my own thoughts in supression not creating an actual solution but trying to change one part of myself by force to paint a picture of myself that I want to see.

When and as I see myself trying to force all thoughts out of my head, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I've done this to a point of abuse trying to force myself to change wihtout actual release correction or understanding of my own thoughts and the nature of them, thus, I commit myself to breathe and live the word balance in relationship to my thoughts where I recognize if I'm putting more effort into stopping a thought then would be best to just breathe relax and recgonize the deeper point it's bringing up in me to face which wouldn't be resolved in fighting and forcing down the thought as if it's not a real part of me representing something to deal with and adress.



User avatar
Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
Contact:

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 09 Jul 2018, 23:28

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to figure everything out for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my capacity to understand and learn by ignoring others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how I wasn't just supreessing the imput of others but the imput of myself in the process ignoring myself as well as everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue only what moved inside of me not putting this movement into question or putting it into words through the support of myself or others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being the starting point of my own actions moving myself into action deliberate but instead letting myself be moved in separation from responsibility as self movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret trying to conquer and dominate life in separation from self responsibility and being the one moving myself as I see is best for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a secret way out that was not worth questioning from myself or others because it was beyond me and beyond words so then totally lacking the ability to be self honestly questioned or properly worked with in self honestly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm missing something within still being so hazy and not able to let myself be totally self honest about precisely what happened when I allowed myself to steer myself into a process of total abandonment and disregard for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be swayed by ideas in my head over who I was and the person I was going to become in the process I allowed myself to walk in not using self forgiveness to question and refine myself.

I commit myself to continue to open up who I've been in the past in not utilizing self forgiveness effectively.

I commit myself to continue to write myself out in relationship to my abaondonmdnt of self forgiveness until I get to a point where I can clearly see where and why I feel in all ways so I can stand to not allow that same thing to play out again inevitably in some way without me even realize it happening.



User avatar
Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
Contact:

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 23 Jul 2018, 09:16

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself down being too hard on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to take care of myself and let thing simply fall apart until forced to adress issues through consquences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself in judgement of myself as inferior to being strong enough to stand within and as myself in relationship to what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as infeiror to doing what I need to do and not being worth it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torture myself and blame everything outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause chaos and mayhem for myself and my life and exsistance to uphold my ego pride as self inferioirty and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of pride overriding my insecurities and so inferiorities instead of actually standing in pride and facing my insecurities and self victimizations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept inferiority to things actually being hard and challanging in life and process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in inferioirty towards anything in life unless it's effortless and comes easily without challange and having to stand and be strong and firm and hold things together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beleive my paranoias based on insecurites based on selfishenss to be true and who I am in relationship to working and challagning myself and facing myself and being dicipline as actual physical actions and responsabilites.

WHen and as I see myself feeling inferior towards actual living physical resposnabilities and diciplines, I stop, I breathe, I realize that what I really want and what really supports me is actually moving myself and taking direct action isntead of hiding and waiting for consquences to force me to rise to action, thus, I commit myself to work on my physical living, exercise, practical applications and living every day to face what I need to do in physical resposnability head on isntead of waiting for things to catch up to me and be forced to the same outcome through consquences.



User avatar
Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
Contact:

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 29 Jul 2018, 08:01

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self forgiveness being too complicated and too difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into disempowerment in relationshiop to seeing how structrualized and specefic and followed through I need to get with self forgiveness to actually stand and be effective with it in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up and make a run for it in relationship to seeing self forgiveness as too complex and intricate in applying it and following through in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to disempower myself in relationship to the challange of perfecting myself wtihin stating and living of self forgiveness when I don't have anywhere left to run and going into fear and disempowerment insecurity will only dig me in deeper while still leaving me faced with the same challange only less capable of facing it directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the word brave as facing everything I must learn and put into application in relationship to self forgiveness in seeing that it's undoubtbly best and what must be done with no other options making it the perfect situation to live the word brave where I can go all in and trust myself to make a try in relationship to self forgiveness in seeing that if I screw up it can always be a benifit to me to become better and have more clairty within what I'm doing apposed to other situations where screwing up can be more costly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not having the brain intellect processing power to be able to track and maange my relationshiop to self forgiveness and how I'm writing and living it in all ways possible to the best of my abilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trying to take on self forgiveness as most effective and perfected as just blowing my circuits even more and creating more confucsion and complication in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge self forgiveeness as too complicated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that I need to be struggling and fighting and suffering in relationship to self forgiveness to really be effective and precise in my words and my follow through and manifestation of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a ego personality of not wanting to face the challange of process and self forgiveness instead of simply supporting myself from where I am to lay out the groundwork of how I'll tackle the situation in a way that supports me from where I am and what I'm capable of right now to allow me to grow and become better and more precise and effective in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create pretty pictures of myself and my life and who and where I am to supress the fear and insecurity that fundamentally I don't see myself as being capable in my mind, or willing in my greed to do what I would need to for myself to become effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desperately try to cheat process within effective living of self forgiveness, words, and commitments reinforcing the idea and picture judgement that I"m not capable and contuning to feed into the idea that I must find a easier way for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate self forgiveness and the process of learning and putting things into application effectively and undersatnding what I'm doing and saying simply because I don't want to put in the work and time and effort that it appears to require.

WHen and as I see myself going into inferiority over what's required of me to live and perfect my relationship to self forgiveness and the living and correction of it, I stop, I breathe, I realize that in sitting down here and writing it out for myself I can see it just comes down to living determination in putting in the work and effort every day, in studying, breathing, writing, and applying for the rest of my life, thus, I commit myself to live the word determination in simply seeing an obstacle and moving myself to make a plan to study. learn more, write more, keep finding ways to do more and be better in relationship to my structuring and application of my self forgiveness and undersatnding of it.

I commit myself to every day focus on not just writing self forgiveness but learning more about it and how it operates and how to make sure I'm actually writing it effectively.

I commit myself to improve and do better each day in relationship to anything I can see I can improve upon even if it's not a point or topic I have recently written out for myself at all.



User avatar
Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
Contact:

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 02 Aug 2018, 05:09

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myeslf to go into despair over not being able to see X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with conflict feeling upset in diffrent ways upon not being able to see X tonight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of seeing my only purpose and meaning in cultivating a relationship to X in person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of feeling helpless that I can't keep going on if I can't see X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest so much into seeing X as if everything else is futile and pointless unless I get what I want the most as to continue forming my relationship to X by getting to see X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that I have no purpose without my relationship to X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything else as a drag without any fullfillment or exhiliration without getting to see X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel robbed as if I'm entitled to see X and so not getting to see X is me being wronged and victimized and stripped away of the joy and fullfillment in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if things don't work out with X and I don't get to see X then I'd have to start all over in cultivating a relationship from the ground up all over again somewhere else with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferioirty seeing myself as incapable and less then living the life I could create for myself without X as the life I see I could create with X.

I commit myself to live fullfillment as living the word fullfillment not based on or dependant on seeing X or not.

When and as I see myself feeling upset that I can't see X, I stop, I breathe, I realize that here and now without seeing X I see the opening and potential to challange myself and take on all the things that would bring me fullfillment and allow me a pursuit in a relationship to X or someone else unconditonally and not as a make or break it point of desperation, thus, I commit myself to embrace this moment and all the possibilities now and in the future right here without being able to see X today.

I commit myself to not based my fullfillment and joy and happienss in my life on having a relationship with someone else or not.

I commit myself to find fullfillment in being alone and by myself so when I do see others or am in a relationship with someone else that I'm not using it as a point of supression or as a crutch of self limiation in any ways.



User avatar
Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
Contact:

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 03 Aug 2018, 05:29

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build myself up in my mind with thoughts and ideas of me being strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about the picture idea of me being strong then actually building myself up here as a person in my own flesh and capacity in living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having ideas of me being strong and capable will actually be what will get me through all the challanges and obstacles I must face in my life and living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with ideas of who I am as being strong instead of actually taking that same energy and mind fluff to simply breathing and applying myself here beyond the ideas and pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to believe suffering my own abuse is what will make me stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live strength as stopping the abuse towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that endulging ideas of me being strong and a fighter is even worth the energy and not just ingraning uncalled for pictures masking and making what I actually need to do more challanging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that turning everything into a fight is supposed to make me 'stronger'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn everything into a fight with all of exsistance and everyone here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and become aware that I'm becoming an attitude and personality of fighting to supress and overcome conflict within myself instead of simply adressing it and adressing that I don't want to be fighting anyone or anything at all so why would I turn that into my personality and idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beleive I'm honroable in fighting when I'm diminishing myself and am only fighting myself and brought the fight onto myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring fight onto myself instead of rising to the occasion and simply facing what I need to do to avoid conflict and be stronger then conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my process has to be a fight because of my mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bleive I need to punish myself with constant conflict in relationship to all things at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself become feral as in fear of all in conflict with all at all times.

I commit myself to recognize that no one is trying to fight me.

I commit myself to stop trying to protect my own ego and not face what I need to do here by going into restless conflict within and as myself.

I commit myself to stop going into conflict over what I need to do here and create and achieve in my life each day.



User avatar
Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
Contact:

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 14 Mar 2019, 02:47

https://matthewstonesjourneytolife.blog ... h.html?m=1


Matthew Stone's 7 year journey to life

Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Day 360 - Strength
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait until I'm in the worst negative mind experience before accepting that I need real strength to move myself and take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to not try to take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping into living strength and immidetely falling for the pitfalls and traps I can create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to learn strength through depravity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire strength as a feeling of energy to come and sweep me off my feet and make everything better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling in face of chaos where I might have a chance to be strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won't reach the finish line I've imagined to exsist in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not worth having a chance to become strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the strength in structure and discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear possibly in my minds eye having potentially one chance right here to decide what I want to do as strength moving forward and hold onto that expression until the end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise letting myself find strength in others outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish withholding all strength I could ever possibly find outside of myself waiting for the strengths within me to suddenly magically be and become as if ordained or deserved without question like magic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I may not find the strength in this lifetime to clean out the mess I've accepted and allowed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the strength to try against all odds my mind I've allowed to believe exist against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never finding the strength to face the cross over at death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what I'm living for in each moment to have any strength for any reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exspect myself to push as hard as I can physically in each moment to be the only strength possible.

Strength - I redefine strength as to move forward pursuing the potential I see as bests for myself and all as life even in the face of impossible odds accepting the possibility that the odds that I believe in my mind could always be misconstrued.

I redefine strength as being able to stand up to what must be done.

I redefine strength as moving to act on something good worth value even when difficult

I redefine strength as to stand down and be easy and at ease when needing to balance myself out.

I commit myself to command myself as strength to come back to writing and speaking self forgiveness for the support and great guidance of self honesty that I need.

.



User avatar
Matthew Stone
Posts: 365
Joined: 24 Jun 2011, 08:01
Contact:

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 26 Sep 2019, 06:36

https://matthewstonesjourneytolife.blog ... gging.html

364 days of posts in my blog.

almost one year worth of posts, one day away from a years worth of installments

I never realized how close I left my blog off so close to what would have represented a years worth of posts.

I see my posts I've made through that time as honest in just letting everything loose. Being free to just let everything out and simply try to apply some self forgiveness or give things some purpose or substance, structure.

Around the time I stopped consistently blogging was a couple of years ago.

That seems crazy, but I can only see a handful of posts between now and 2017.

I didn't fall off writing, or fall off process and my purpose and direction when I left.

I came back to blogging immediately after my actual lapse and leaving process and self forgiveness around 17-19 years old.

I took that initiative to start blogging immediately because it was something I remembered from Bernard, something I saw as valuable and important and a way to put myself forward and build up momentum.

This endeavor was a complete success.

The time that I stopped blogging around 2 years ago exactly (which again seems unbelievable length of time to have passed) was the most successful and thriving time off my life.

I got through massage school and found fantastic employment upon graduating in the massage industry, and met my girlfriend/fiance who I am now walking process together with for over the past year, funny enough meeting her within a week of getting hired at my job, very fateful, beautiful reassuring timing, and now moving to try to support her to start her life and success as well.

I didn't try to seem like I knew it all in my blogs, so i'd just let loose, nothing to hide or gain by seeming like I'm anywhere other than where I am, and I wouldn't say I'm too far along even now two years later, but I'm very happy and excited with where I am, what I've accomplished, and where I plan to go.

I was discussing with someone about the 7 year journey to life through vlogging and blogging.

and I in that conversation recognized how much of a support it was for me, that I was afraid to participate to see others to be involved, but throwing together a blog really putting myself into it putting something out there and really trying was nice, even though if that was the most of my participation just throwing a blog out into the proper forum or facebook page, and then making a run for it, hit an run, just about every time, write it out, share it, and then flee, run for the hills as fast as possible, don't look at anyone else's posts, don't look at any other information from anyone else, don't look at anyone else's face or words, just throw a post together with some fun, creativity, care, and then run as fast as possible to not see anyone else and be challenged, be scared, feel doubt, feel lost, I would maintain my bubble as much as I could while still trying to share and participate in just a little way.

That little bit of participating did get me a long way, I can see it, the moment I stopped blogging, it was because my life was beginning, and I was actually getting busy, and getting real more than I ever had before.

I would check in on the views I would get on my posts, and wonder, was that on track, was that what I should have posted, was it just a joke, would people check what I wrote just to ensure it wasn't filth and slander and sadistic just to know if I should be disassociated with.

This same battle with myself is why I left for a time, why I left writing self forgiveness and did things in a less productive more stubborn way a long time ago.

Inferiority, and Superiority.

There were these amazing fantastic unstoppable unquestionable magnifcent people in Desteni.

Instead of walking my process at a pace for myself and considering myself and what I need individually, it was how can I be like them? How could I compete and compare to them?

There were a lot of different factors, but that was a very big one, I walked away a long time ago, becuse the process, the 'game' to me was polarity, inferiroirty, and superiority. To defeat and compete, but not even having the slightest dicipline and will to follow through.

So I changed the game, made up new rules, and played alone.

I didn't write, I didn't want to particpate at all, and alone there was no one to compare myself to. No one to compete with. I judged myself as not good enough, and resolved to just walk away and not face the challange, to isolate and supress and escape.

That choice to walk away years and years ago, possessed me, I was fighting, struggling going no where trying to mantain this new life new direction which never would have gotten me anywhere, and when I got back, I struggled and fought the same demons that lead me to leave, created many more problems in the wake of my return, fighting to gain status, fighting to boost my position in process.

I will continue to walk until the day I die. I trust myself with that completely, without doubt or question.

The question and doubt comes in the form of, how far can I go? And has my deceisions and choices cost me the chance to ever achieve what I saw then and now in others?

Will I find the will, passion, dicipline, effort, application needed to really go as far as I can in this life?

I have never felt more physical real in my living, never felt more focused on the things that can be tracked, traced, have evidence, take suffering, take pain, take dicipline, take percervernce and endurance strength and courage.

I don't know that I have or haven't changed for the better or worse since the first day I heard Bernard speak and eventually decided that I was on board for whatever it was he and everyone was talking about

But I know that I'm more on board then ever before,

In the beginning it was all so beautiful and wonderul and self forgiveness felt so good and it was a fantasy a dream, and I fell when I found the truth was what I know my life to be now.

What little I am building up and developing, proud of and valuing, didn't come from positive feelings or pictures or a fantasy.

I am on board now more than ever before, because for me, the veil has dropped since then, not a part of me sees the road ahead and thinks there's a fantasy, a dream, pretty pictures or images or energy, i see turmoil, struggle, fear, fighting, hating, surrender, standing, cycles, failure, anger...

And I'm proud that I can see all of this in me, and see the truth that it's equal to the world at large reflected back within me, as a part of me, and that I'm just as excited and motivated as I ever have been before.

I see the pain, hardship, and reality of what must be done starting with myself, for myself, and I am more happy than I've ever been in my life, and excited to see what I can moving forward.

This time...

I commit myself to not let time slip past me

I commit myself to become the person I dreamt of being

I commit myself to follow through with what I started almost half of my life ago.

And most importantly above all else... I commit myself to walk process for myself.

I commit myself to build myself up until I'm ready to walk together side by side, not in a state of ego and competitive insecurity.



User avatar
Christopher
Posts: 93
Joined: 28 May 2019, 20:22

Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Christopher » 28 Sep 2019, 03:58

https://matthewstonesjourneytolife.blog ... gging.html

364 days of posts in my blog.

almost one year worth of posts, one day away from a years worth of installments

I never realized how close I left my blog off so close to what would have represented a years worth of posts.

I see my posts I've made through that time as honest in just letting everything loose. Being free to just let everything out and simply try to apply some self forgiveness or give things some purpose or substance, structure.

Around the time I stopped consistently blogging was a couple of years ago.

That seems crazy, but I can only see a handful of posts between now and 2017.

I didn't fall off writing, or fall off process and my purpose and direction when I left.

I came back to blogging immediately after my actual lapse and leaving process and self forgiveness around 17-19 years old.

I took that initiative to start blogging immediately because it was something I remembered from Bernard, something I saw as valuable and important and a way to put myself forward and build up momentum.

This endeavor was a complete success.

The time that I stopped blogging around 2 years ago exactly (which again seems unbelievable length of time to have passed) was the most successful and thriving time off my life.

I got through massage school and found fantastic employment upon graduating in the massage industry, and met my girlfriend/fiance who I am now walking process together with for over the past year, funny enough meeting her within a week of getting hired at my job, very fateful, beautiful reassuring timing, and now moving to try to support her to start her life and success as well.

I didn't try to seem like I knew it all in my blogs, so i'd just let loose, nothing to hide or gain by seeming like I'm anywhere other than where I am, and I wouldn't say I'm too far along even now two years later, but I'm very happy and excited with where I am, what I've accomplished, and where I plan to go.

I was discussing with someone about the 7 year journey to life through vlogging and blogging.

and I in that conversation recognized how much of a support it was for me, that I was afraid to participate to see others to be involved, but throwing together a blog really putting myself into it putting something out there and really trying was nice, even though if that was the most of my participation just throwing a blog out into the proper forum or facebook page, and then making a run for it, hit an run, just about every time, write it out, share it, and then flee, run for the hills as fast as possible, don't look at anyone else's posts, don't look at any other information from anyone else, don't look at anyone else's face or words, just throw a post together with some fun, creativity, care, and then run as fast as possible to not see anyone else and be challenged, be scared, feel doubt, feel lost, I would maintain my bubble as much as I could while still trying to share and participate in just a little way.

That little bit of participating did get me a long way, I can see it, the moment I stopped blogging, it was because my life was beginning, and I was actually getting busy, and getting real more than I ever had before.

I would check in on the views I would get on my posts, and wonder, was that on track, was that what I should have posted, was it just a joke, would people check what I wrote just to ensure it wasn't filth and slander and sadistic just to know if I should be disassociated with.

This same battle with myself is why I left for a time, why I left writing self forgiveness and did things in a less productive more stubborn way a long time ago.

Inferiority, and Superiority.

There were these amazing fantastic unstoppable unquestionable magnifcent people in Desteni.

Instead of walking my process at a pace for myself and considering myself and what I need individually, it was how can I be like them? How could I compete and compare to them?

There were a lot of different factors, but that was a very big one, I walked away a long time ago, becuse the process, the 'game' to me was polarity, inferiroirty, and superiority. To defeat and compete, but not even having the slightest dicipline and will to follow through.

So I changed the game, made up new rules, and played alone.

I didn't write, I didn't want to particpate at all, and alone there was no one to compare myself to. No one to compete with. I judged myself as not good enough, and resolved to just walk away and not face the challange, to isolate and supress and escape.

That choice to walk away years and years ago, possessed me, I was fighting, struggling going no where trying to mantain this new life new direction which never would have gotten me anywhere, and when I got back, I struggled and fought the same demons that lead me to leave, created many more problems in the wake of my return, fighting to gain status, fighting to boost my position in process.

I will continue to walk until the day I die. I trust myself with that completely, without doubt or question.

The question and doubt comes in the form of, how far can I go? And has my deceisions and choices cost me the chance to ever achieve what I saw then and now in others?

Will I find the will, passion, dicipline, effort, application needed to really go as far as I can in this life?

I have never felt more physical real in my living, never felt more focused on the things that can be tracked, traced, have evidence, take suffering, take pain, take dicipline, take percervernce and endurance strength and courage.

I don't know that I have or haven't changed for the better or worse since the first day I heard Bernard speak and eventually decided that I was on board for whatever it was he and everyone was talking about

But I know that I'm more on board then ever before,

In the beginning it was all so beautiful and wonderul and self forgiveness felt so good and it was a fantasy a dream, and I fell when I found the truth was what I know my life to be now.

What little I am building up and developing, proud of and valuing, didn't come from positive feelings or pictures or a fantasy.

I am on board now more than ever before, because for me, the veil has dropped since then, not a part of me sees the road ahead and thinks there's a fantasy, a dream, pretty pictures or images or energy, i see turmoil, struggle, fear, fighting, hating, surrender, standing, cycles, failure, anger...

And I'm proud that I can see all of this in me, and see the truth that it's equal to the world at large reflected back within me, as a part of me, and that I'm just as excited and motivated as I ever have been before.

I see the pain, hardship, and reality of what must be done starting with myself, for myself, and I am more happy than I've ever been in my life, and excited to see what I can moving forward.

This time...

I commit myself to not let time slip past me

I commit myself to become the person I dreamt of being

I commit myself to follow through with what I started almost half of my life ago.

And most importantly above all else... I commit myself to walk process for myself.

I commit myself to build myself up until I'm ready to walk together side by side, not in a state of ego and competitive insecurity.
Thanks for sharing, i stopped writing for 5 years and now I realize that it is very useful to do, for become self conscious and more reflective.




Return to “Writing Yourself to Freedom”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

cron