Marco's writing

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Garbrielle
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Re: Marco's writing

Post by Garbrielle »

Hi Marco,

One pattern I recognized in this dream is the ideas you imagined about yourself being this superior skater to the others creating the play-out of yourself showing off with your skills having all the others notice and admire you, this was indicated within the thoughts you mentioned as questions toward the group as they watched you warm up, hoping you were being seen as something special and a standard they could compare themselves with. Then reality kicked in where you had to learn the rules of the game and physically how to play the game, and once this happened you were all confused and couldn't keep up. Showing that you were never here in reality but in your mind thinking, all the while the other players were in reality playing the game and could keep up, and so you missed out on the opportunity to play the game of hockey equal with the others as you saw opened up in the beginning of the dream.

Life showing us as the mind, that engaging and participating in the mind is going to create missed opportunities in reality to live here one and equal as what is real because self as the being is not here but in the mind dreaming/thinking/hoping/desiring and so missing the opportunity to live for real in the physical.

So this an example to show that walking this process of investigating our patterns, forgiving them, and walking the correction to change this is so important as time is moving and reality is moving and we are moving as well within it be it in our mind or in real life here in the physical, what we do in this time will determine who we are.
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mar
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Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Post by mar »

Thank you for the perspective Garbrielle !

I'll start the sf on the dream.


In the beginning of an activity, or even in the test for idoneity to an activity, it usually happens that i do something really noticeable, something that will distinguish me and something that will allow me to feel special, better, desirable. My father really appreciated these events and he really pushed me to make the target of my life the look for these moments of confirm of this idea of "me as better then the majority of the persons"....like the belonging to a sort of elite of "better ones" and that the goal of my life should be to show to the "worse ones" my superiority and be recognized for this.... then conquering their "love" as dependency. Even the friends i've chosen have this pattern, sort of.
Anyhow, after the episode of the "confirm" it all goes quite wrong. The expectations created by that episodes are not met.

In the dream i've recognized two episodes that follow this pattern:

- the launch of the roller blades
- the warm up

Each one of these episodes are caracterized by a previous part which is of "judgement"/study of the other.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting to make me an idea of what i am going to do and of the persons that are doing the thing (which then these persons impersonate and represent the judgement of the thing in itself through projection) which idea is a judgement idea which is then related to fear.

The "amazing performances" in the two episodes meant something like the identification of something that can be seen as "distinctive"/distinguishing/isolating.... as something that i've done that i was not aware that i was able to do. Something that in the very moment i did, i felt power on.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for taking those moments were i feel me expressing myself as "checkpoints" of definitions of me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then feeling "changed" after that performances.

I remember that when i was young and i did something "amazing" there were just the initial "WOW ! Did you see that ??" and that's it, the experience was ended after that. Now it's different. Now after the experience there is a feeling after that. I build a new definition of me on that experience.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling "galvanized" after i do something that i repute "noticeable" in front of others. That could be a soccer trick or a solution on the job.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for finding very hard to describe the way this feeling is.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling excited and that everybody is now looking to me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling sort of "dignified".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not understanding that no matter how much i try to describe and catalogate/labelling the type of emotion/feeling that i'm experiencing because the only thing that really matters is that this feeling is the way i'm separating/isolating me from the team as the activity.


When and as i see that i, after something that i've done that i repute noticeable, go into that estate of "galvanization", i stop and breath. I realize that it's time to understand that i've just expressed me as myself, but this feeling is what is separating/isolating me from what i'm doing as from all the others that are contributing/part of the task.
Thus i commit myself to sort of "forget"/let go of the thing i've just done because everything that happens, happens for one time and only one and i should allow me to live in the present, not in "what i've done". Then i commit to focalyze on the task as equal and one with the team.


Another interesting aspect about what happens next to the "galvanization", especially when i'm doing something like an "acceptance test" or a "job interview" or anyhow something that is not the real task in itself, i think that i've sort of "sold an image of me" (which in essence is what it is), but i've always the perception that this image is far from who i really am.
So that when it's the time to "play for real" there is a part of me that is saying "oh my god and now what should i do ? they are going to DISCOVER ME and i will be in big trouble...." so it's sort of i know since the beginning what the future is going to deserve me and i even accept it as "there is nothing different i can do.... i can only remain somewhere till the time that i will be DISCOVERED... then i will have to change place/job".

So what the galvanization in the "pre-task-activity" carries on is a further mask: it takes on an EXPECTATION that i think i have to cope with.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that who i am in a pre-task/evaluation activity is different/somebody else from who i am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that in the pre-task/evaluation activity i "already have anything i need", while in a real task i have to "learn" what i need.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for using the fact that in a pre-task/evaluation activity the environment is "little"/"controllable"/protected (studied in a way that you already have everything you need to succeed)/ the environment is not-dangerous/it's impossible to make mistakes and then i feel able to express me without fearing consequencies and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that this estate of thing/being means an allowance to "express me" without realizing that the expression of me is very little even where i think that the environment is "by my side". It's rather more an ego matter then.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always looked for a "protected environment" as any type of "buffer" to interpose between me and reality/normality/what i perceive is required by the persons i feel are the ones i've to "aim"..... because i don't feel/repute me like them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for identifying in that separation feeling dued by competition and self judgement/judgement where each interaction with everybody is dectated by a territorial sensation in the solar plexus.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that i've sort of lied in the pre-activity/evaluation activity and i've put a mask on me which is "better" then who i am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having created within me some EXPECTATIONS during the pre-activity/evaluation activity which i think i've to satisfy and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for focalyzing more on satisfying these expectations rather then on what i'm doing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having created expectations about the judgement of me rather then my ability to work.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking to lie because i think i've created expectations higher/bigger then who i think to be.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, during the pre-activity/evaluation activity wanting to show me/sell me for something/someone that i don't feel.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for considering a "lie"/a panthomima of the reality the pre-activity/evaluation activity and within this feeling at my ease/safe thinking that this estate of things truly reflects my personality and who/what i consider me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having dreamt to not have legs, just after that i've taken the roller-blades.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having shown me smart/cool in catching the launched roller-blades and for having created my personal image of expectation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking to have put me in big trouble because the image of me that i'm showing doesn't comprehend the legs handicap.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not understanding that the legs handicap is rather more a self created/mind created hendicap because in effectiveness, it wasn't invalidating.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that, even if i felt the prothesis as "real legs" because i can have the sensibility and sensation of the whole leg, this was enough to stop me and scaring me just for the simple fact that "it's said that" to play with rollerblades it's something that you need "full sensibility" and "full normality".... because i've never heard of somebody that does this thing in my same condition.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for didn't realizing that "even if i had full sensibility of my legs this SHOULDN'T BE ENOUGH ! Because there was THE FACT that my legs weren't real, thus it MUSTN'T BE ENOUGH !" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having totally solded out the only and solely most important thing that exhist: MY AWARENESS ! Solded completely to a conviction/belief/dogma that persons without legs CAN'T go with rollerblades.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having transformed my legs in prothesis in the dream to have a tangible/real/visible excuse/justification to say to me that i'm different/excusable and then to override the awareness about my instruments/legs.



Here, the fact that i discovered that despite my legs i can skate very good (in my perspective) and the act of showing my talent to the other player.... should absolutely be connected....



I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, in real life, letting any type of doubts and uncertainity arise within me, just after i accept to do a task, using the justification that i'm now MORE AWARE of the problems without realizing that i'm just justifying the hendicap that i'm self creating.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling ashamed in the hypothesis to give back the roller blades because i FEAR that they will feel offended and to "betray" the idea/cosideration/hopes they had put on me, "while they are not looking at me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling ashamed to "betray" the idea/cosideration/hopes they had put on me as betraying the image they had of me.... i feel ashamed to be lost as "reference point"/trust point/trust pillar/ideal stability point.......... DELUDE AN EXPECTATION, without understanding that an expectation, as definition in itself, is doomed to be deluded.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling responsible for their "mental peace" (meaning the mental peace of the players that have expectations on me) so I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling guilty/ashamed to brake the "mental peace" given by the expectations that i feel "responsible for" without realizing that the expectations i'm talking about are MY EXPECTATIONS to satisfy a self projected idea of who i am in the ones i feel in debt with.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for reputing me as the "guardian"/keeper/caretaker of their "mental peace" and thus for feeling in a position of POWER/CONTROL that i want because it gives me the sensation to be important/relevant but that i don't want because it seems too big/too much to handle.... and makes me feel inadequate.


------------------------------------


So I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling inadequate to satisfy my desire to be important/powerful.


------------------------------------


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not understanding that i'm trapped in vicious circle where none of the two "state of being" (the one that i aim and the one that i feel) are what i should feel and sensate to live/experience.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having had expectations about the feeling and emotions that i should induce in other persons, for instance the feeling of "mental peace" and reputing me the "allower of mental peace" and for then reputing me the "controller" of the other's emotions and feelings, where if they are enjoying what they are doing/if they can focalyze on the game is thanks to my ability to cope with their (what i think are their) expectations, because if i fail in it, their cards castle will fall down and they will experience frustration and anger.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that i'm never present in what i'm doing and in the tasks that i've been assigned because i'm more focussed on coping with the expectations that i think the others have on me through that task, rather then being equal and one with that task and team and with the game we are playing..... the truth is i'm not playing that game.... it's too little times where i've honestly played a team game in my life.


Since i was young and i had to play soccer in a team, i almost everytime felt "heavy legs".... it reminded me those prothesis in the dream. I've suffered of performance anxiety since i was 7-8 years old.... and probably i was so young that it almost seemed me natural.... it seemed me "who i am" and i've never identified it with a problem.
Everytime i saw the ball arriving to me a heaviness sensation sourrunded my legs and body, like if my legs was not mines anymore and were just heavy things attacked to me that i've never used before..... i felt clumsy/ungainly and what i couldn't live with was that in other moments, where i felt more at my ease for "unexplainable reasons", i've played very well, being even remembered as a "good player". So when i resulted clumsy/ungainly and i arised the "rage" of the other players and i felt "scolded" for my performance and i broke the "mental peace" of my team mates, i didn't/couldn't sort out the reason/why sometimes i felt my legs heavy and "not mine" while other times the legs were really "flying".

Continuing next time.
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Rozelle de Lange
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Re: Marco's writing

Post by Rozelle de Lange »

Cool Marco!
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Garbrielle
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Re: Marco's writing

Post by Garbrielle »

Very cool Marco!
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mar
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Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Post by mar »

Continuing from last point:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "heavy legs" in my life and for the sensation of incapability and that i cannot play as i would.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt as separated/detached from everybody and anything in that moment, feeling as "enclosed" in me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling as i was going to do something that i was incapable to do.... as if all was going to be too much complicated.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sometimes feeling detached and heavy not just in my legs but also in my arms, brain, body in relation to the "instruments" that i need to cope with an activity which require MY INTERVENTION/MY EXPRESSION/MY CREATION..... where the outcome will carry MY SIGNATURE and my personal way and interpretation.



Here, the fact that i discovered that despite my legs i can skate very good (in my perspective) and the act of showing my talent to the other player.... should absolutely be connected....
In the moment i found me skating well i felt overexcited and "in control/in power" again.... so ready to create new expectations in the collegues/team mates. Then it just needed to show my abilities in a very "cool" and fascinating way.... because there is no better way to submit/convince/buy/fascinating somebody then looking him in the eyes while doing something "difficult" or "showy" so that i'm giving the sensation to put beside something "real" to a "conquering/hypnotizing" direct sight in the eyes.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for hiding the exuberance within the "new discovered power" through showing my talent to the "spectator" and within this changing/shifting/transforming the feeling within me from exuberant/astonished/overexcited (because of reputing this ability "better/higher/bigger" then me and in the same time, at my disposal) to a feeling vulnerable/without control.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for haven't realized that, in feeling vulnerable/without control when seen in that estate, there is the truth of what i am in that moment, because i'm so overwhelmed by this new power that i don't know how to use it and why using it. I don't have a "WHY" to apply the talent to make the talent AN INSTRUMENT to pursue a goal.... but i'm just fashinated by the instrument in itself and the goal is just to experience the power/control/the "violent fight of the fear of being unaccepted" given by that talent.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then projecting the fear of being unaccepted/diminished/"looked with angry and blaming eyes" towards the "spectator" in the purpose of making him look to me with "fashinated/admiring/wishing eyes" through showing my talent as MY POWER to the spectator.... for then be seen as a reference point.... the exact polarity of what i fear, which is being seen as something to refuse/to avoid/despise.


Thus I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having looked the spectator in the eyes while showing me intending to "catch him"/conquer him and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having understood that i've put a barrier/a wall between me and the spectator and for having modified the natural way of everything which is equal and one.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then CHALLENGED/intimidated/threatened/catched the spectator like the animal instinct to impose and preserve my territory..... like the peacock that opens the crown or the lion that roars.



When and as i see that i look somebody in the eyes with the intent of "conquering" him, i stop and breath. I realize that i'm actually behaving like an animal that attempts to mark the territory so to respond to some hierarchical need which is nothing more then a deviation of an animal nature which is not mine.
Thus i commit myself to EQUALIZE ME to the other person so to re-align me to the natural and visible nature at which i belong to: equality and oneness.



Once we began to play together, they explained me the rules "on the job" (while playing) and everytime that someone was dedicating me what seemed to me a fast explanation of what was the relative "goal/target/aim" of that precise moment of the game, I always remained confused and disoriented.... i difficultly was moving while watching everybody and everything that fastly was moving and happening in front of me.... trying to sort out or catching some pattern or logical schema to understand by myself how it worked. Each person that fastly passed near me to give me some explanations were always speaking really fast, saying a lot of concepts and things that to me were presupposing that i already should know many other concepts that i didn't know.... they were always speaking me fastly and with an eye on me and the other on the game.
(my father explained to me things this way...)
At one moment, the only thing that i understood were that i had to hit a target with the ball (it seemed the classic circular colored arrow target)... but when i thought to have "at least understood something" and thus acquired a bit of "control" and a purpose/sense/"why" in the situation, suddenly appeared many many other targets, smaller or bigger and placed absolutely random everywhere. It resemble to me when i go into frustration/annoyance/panic on the job, when the task assigned seems to me too much complicated and far away for my possibilities and i see me bouncing from an instruction page to another, continuingly asking me if the path i've chosen to solve the task is worth to be followed, or if it's better to change approach and try somewhere else..... thus always shifting in my head between the thoughts "does it worth to continue to try to understand this ? naaaaa.... let's try somewhere else on another website, maybe i'll find something more specific.... if i won't find anything i'll come back on this path...." and the same thought repeats for the next try...

Continuing next time
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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Post by mar »

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt disoriented/excluded/lonley/existing in a dimension where everything happens "without me" but that everybody suppose that i'm part of it, so living/existing in a place/world/environment where "externally" i'm part of, but internally i'm not.... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling frustration and annoyance for existing in this "dicotomy" where i'm separated by everything..... where always and everywhere are existing these 2 unmatching realities that are in constant conflict and that are constantly trying to match themselves through pulling the other by its side.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that this continuouse "pulling by my side" of these 2 realities (by rage and ultimatum where me will get "angry" or manipulate others to "do as i'm supposing" or the "reality" will do the same to me tu pull me by its side) it's the manifestation of the separation between me and the world and then it's just the "violent attempt" to not accept the other as what it is and to not let go of what separates me from reality.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that the "reality's ultimatums" are the unacceptance of my attempt to pull reality by my side.... and it's where i have to understand that, no matter how much reality could be "wrong" or inhospitable, but firstly i have to fully accept and integrating me with it if i want to really change it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling the difference for how the game is moving and how me is moving inside the game and for paying attention to this difference.... for having made a fear in this difference.... and for preferring to pay attention to this fear instead of being present in what it's happening.

So I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for existing in the dimension of making a constant/continuous confrontation between the speed/awareness/time decision/decisions/movements/reactions/words/interactions/knowledge/abilities/the "where and what everyone choses to look at"/the implications, outcomes and results that any action is producing/the facial expressions/the way that everybody moves with a common purpose, target/the way that everybody seems to know where is his place and which is his rule in each moment, moving together as a single being..... and making a constant comparison/confrontation with me, always underlining/noticing the difference in quantity by how much i'm less or more then what i'm seeing and always asking me WHEN/HOW/WHY i it would be the time where i will be WHAT I'VE SEEN ! Whithout realizing that i'm actually existing in a dimension of COPING/EMULATING/"BEING LIKE" what i've seen, sacrificing then my interest to discover WHAT I AM as DIFFERENT/PERSONAL/UNIQUE...... to discover the "ME".

I commit myself to realize that till i'm AIMING to someone and to something i've been fascinated by, i'll never be and discover WHO I AM and WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having tryed to understand and catch some logical pattern or schema in what was happening, within anxiety and as a "violent fight" to the fear i was feeling, thus through nervously directly fighting the inadequacy that i was feeling with an expedient/"device"/method that testify the acceptance of the fear in itself.

In other words I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting to understand the schema/pattern to fight the fear of being excluded and the emotion of feeling useless.


When and as i see that i'm studying or listening within the fear of "being left out" or being below expectations", i stop and breath. I realize that i'm using the study as an expedient/method/device to accept that fear through "violently fighting" it and i realize that there is no escape by this fear and its outcomes then embracing it and accepting it as what i've created and what i am in this moment, without fighting or repressing it. I commit myslef to surrender to that fear and breathing it out, realizing that i cannot aim to the image/expectation that i've of what or how i would want to be seen.... because in that way i would never be/experience WHO IS ME.


continuing next time
Marlen
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Re: Marco's writing

Post by Marlen »

Hey Marco, cool self support.

A point I suggest looking at is your self-commitment statements, because they are mostly more realizations that are usually written in the self-corrective statements, instead of direct actions where you lay out/describe what is it that You are going to be Doing to correct such point or pattern.


An example, where you wrote:
When and as i see that i'm studying or listening within the fear of "being left out" or being below expectations", i stop and breath. I realize that i'm using the study as an expedient/method/device to accept that fear through "violently fighting" it and i realize that there is no escape by this fear and its outcomes then embracing it and accepting it as what i've created and what i am in this moment, without fighting or repressing it. I commit myself to surrender to that fear and breathing it out, realizing that i cannot aim to the image/expectation that i've of what or how i would want to be seen.... because in that way i would never be/experience WHO IS ME.
The commitment is more of a general realization that takes place in the mind - besides the point of breathing out which is also part of the self corrective process. You can then write out a commitment in a directive manner, such as:
  • I commit myself to walk my life and every day doings within the starting point of supporting myself to be more self-aware in what I am doing, the decisions I take based on supporting me instead of considering how I value or expect things about what I do in my mind or about others comments on this, and so I commit myself to live in an unconditional way where I focus on what I do, say, think and always considering the starting point of what I do and focusing on leading myself to an outcome that is best for all.

If you have something very specific that you want to direct such as 'studying' something and wanting to correct that experience of 'being left out' or 'below expectations' you can then write something like:
  • 'I commit myself to place my focus and attention while studying on the information I am integrating within me, creating practical study techniques such as writing the information out, creating questionnaires or summaries that enable me to make the information clearer to me so that I can stand confident in relation to the information I am acquiring/studying in the moment, and within this I commit myself to build my own confidence within what I study by focusing on the information itself and its application, being able to effectively relate to it by practicing memorizing, relating the information to previous points of knowledge I have within me and so support me in my studies without any other mind interference.

See how then the commitments become a directive action, a plan, a schedule of sorts where you lay out the way you will direct yourself, what you are going to physically and practically do to support you to align/correct the points you have self-forgiven here.


See how and if this works for you and share about it here when you can.

Thanks for sharing
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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Post by mar »

Hi Marlen, thank you for the help. You perfectly hit the points:

1) - my commitments are more like a realization, because i've noticed that i sort of "rely on the realization" because usually it happens that the realization is "enough" to stabilize me, so that i can direct me in the moment, without feeling forced/bounded/constrained by a commitment that for my experience is never really in the HERE and it is obvious because in its essence is a program in itself.... it's the re-writing of the program.

So it happened me sometimes to feel the power that a realization has to take me in the here and it was that particular power that i'd like to evoke everytime.
But there is a problem in all this. It's that the evocation of this power is not something that i can choose.... it's not something in my control, and these fault cases are many...... many time the simple realization doesn't work, it's not enough. So it's in these moments that i understand the power and usefulness of the mind: it's that i need a "plan B" to face the moment. I need a program/script to sort the situation out the best i can.

So i now understand that i've used this (the "i don't want to give me a commitment too practical and precise") as an excuse to justify an escape from responsibilities and to escape the need that i've to "specify the commitment" (to not always rely on the generic "ground myself here" because i feel that sort of "loose it's power/force/importance used in this way) without realizing that it's not the words in itself, but what i feel and the honesty in the starting point that i use to develop the commitment of the "i ground myself in the here" that can make the difference.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having never used the commitment statement within its real essence and power because i've never wanted to really assume the responsibility of a self directed action, as this would have presumed that i would have the power/energy/force to discipline me to really take my life in my hands and directing it within a constant starting point/a constant purpose/a constant target that would have justified the actions that i would have chosen.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having never had/felt/experienced a reason/purpose/starting point/"why"/"because" living my life...... something that would have justified the everyday cures and attentions that my body needs to remain alive, apart from the fear of sufference and of dying.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt for the most part of my life annoyed/depressed/"unjustified"/without a purpose/a reason to live and stay alive..... and for then having waited for it to arrive, like falling down the sky..... and for having then spent almost 15 years in just waiting day by day/moment by moment for a reason that would have given a sense to all the things that i/we have to undergo to remain alive.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then "pampered" and made interesting and "entertaining" this wait with any sort of yearning and "inner movement" as creation of any type of emotion and feeling that had created easy game/play/hobby to just COPE WITH the only thing that would have given an END to all the SHIT that i had to eat everyday..... TO COPE WITH the only thing that would have given me some sort of IDENTITY... which is DEATH.

And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having created all this sort of mind distraction just to not wanting to look and face the just obvious consistency that there is where if you don't like what you are going through and see no motivation for going on, there is only a respectable thing that can be done and that can have an identity/being/somebody/a living being that can be called LIVING..... wich is STOPPING IT WITH EVERY METHODE YOU HAVE ! EVEN WITH DEATH IF IT'S NECESSARY !

And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always had the fear of dying within every moment within me but for having always negated it to me because "it has never been something that i've really experienced"..... because i've never had the occasion to pass even close to it.... it has always been something very far and almost unreal.... something that everybody just talk about but as it should be behind every angle but in every angle i've turned i've never really seen it/perceived it/felt it.... the truth is that i've always felt it as something so far.... like if it's always something that touches somebody elses but never me....... even if the person that is dye is me when old, because it's never really me.... it will be another me !


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I commit myself to understand that it just exist only ONE ME ! Not the me of TOMORROW - the me of NOW - or the me of the PAST ! It's always ME that i will experience consequencies ! and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not understanding that the same diserspect that i have for the ME OF TOMORROW is the same disrespect that i have of everybody and everything else that i don't feel as ME as EQUAL AND ONE and that then i allow them to experience/receive/undergo the outcomes of my behaviour as an abuse towards them.

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I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having given so much importance to any other fear within me that was more on the day by day but for having never really considered the real true fear that i should have FELT/REALIZED more clear and better then any other one: the fear of death ! So that i would have better seen and realized what i'm going to lose in terms of what i've done till now as the "reputation/consideration/opinion/LOVE" that i have of ME as MYSELF.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having never realized that, just because the everyday situations are something that i've experienced many times, it doesn't mean that they are more real or important then the awareness of death, because everyday situations are something that i can expereince many and many times, but death is something that i can expereince only once.

Thus I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having never "truely believed in death" and for then having never "trusted" in what the society always shows and reminds me almost everyday and in many moments, never feeling "concretely" that it will be the FUTURE ME as then ME that i'm going to die !


I commit myself to walk everyday and every moment within the acknowledge that what i'm "passing through" can disappear in the next moment without leaving nothing after and that this could be my last occasion to experience me.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always misinterpreted this concept in thinking that "every experience should be leaved in its full potential and trying to CATCH EVERYTHING I CAN/TO SQUEEZE OUT/HOG/SEIZE out of any experience like for instance going to the luna park and convincing me to go in ANY attraction thinking that in all of them there is something to "take out" without understanding that i'm not making of it a QUALITY matter of the experience but a simple/mere QUANTITY matter, with the knowledge/"awareness" that i've a limited amount of time at my disposal "to do everything and that this experience won't probably repeat again" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having had "fear of time".... for everytime that i was "having fun" i've always feared/i have been concerned for THE MOMENT THAT THIS WILL BE FINISHED/WHEN THE FUN WILL END.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always projected me towards the "moment of the end" as for always reminding me that this awesome moment will not last and that this JOY is not justified.... so i've to "steal" the most of the fun FROM THE TIME..... before that the time will "take me back the JOY".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt then in "competition with time"/for having never accepted and allowed the existence of time/for having made of time AN ENEMY to fear and fight with..... always thinking that "there is never enough time !", because it will take me away the definition that i gave to this moment: especially where i've defined this moment or period as a moment of JOY.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always thought at the beginning of an holiday, that this holiday will end SOON.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having attributed to the beginning of an holiday THE END OF SOMETHING rather then the BEGINNING OF ANOTHER THING.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for intending holidays as the end of a WAIT.... the wait for the GIFT of the enjoyment and sense/purpose of life and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that in thinking that THIS HOLIDAY WILL NOT LAST there is the aknowledgement that THE PURPOSE WILL NOT LAST and that THIS IS NOT A REAL PURPOSE.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having realized that wanting to "steal" how many experiences i can at the time, means in some terms that i sort of want to "stretch" the time the more that i can. It's like that i want to spoof/trick the time, instead of accepting it and HONESTLY DEALING with it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having passed almost 15 years in NOT RESPECTING TIME. Living like if time doesn't exist and then just "waiting" for a purpose to really use it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having used desteni and writing desteni as a pastime/hobby without realizing to continue to justify this WAIT instead of justifying this LIFE.


I commit myself to always live every moment and facing any experience with the strength within the realization of "if this could be my last moment on earth, is this what i want to experience ?"





2) - You perfectly hit the point within the study commitment. The tecniques study to give me more consistency is something that i've "turned around " many times and that i've never really considered. It is exactly what i would have written within self honesty.

Thankyou !
Eleonora
Posts: 635
Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Re: Marco's writing

Post by Eleonora »

Ciao Marco,
there are many things in your last post which you may benefit from opening up further.
One point you mentioned that brought to mind something I just heard from Varo Venturi is the point of death and how it may have culturally imprinted into us, which shows a bit from your ranting about it, so I will share the insight.
Varo mentioned in an interview how we are on a Death trip, because ultimately, it's the destination that counts, plus we have a Catholic overtone, either embraced or just received by osmosis, where Life is just a sort of waiting room because the goodies all come after Death.
So, for our culture, Death may have these two dimensions to consider as well which were meant to diminish this life experience into a sort of complacency to live out without too much fuss.
On the point of meaning, we talked about this and it turns up again in this post of yours, 'the search for meaning' to this specific existence was another point of distraction, looking for meaning means accepting the belief that this Life has none, that Living is not enough, so in the 'question' lies the answer, we have to find ways to stop the search, stopping the search stops the invalidation of Life, there was never a need for meaning unless we looked for it, the meaning is in Life itself.
The story of purpose that you describe is a bit similar, we are living out our own definitions of everything, whatever we accepted, implicitly or overtly, we live out. Hence the importance of commitments as redefinitions of what you want to live instead of what you have always been living, commitments are not commandments :), something I have noticed my mind jumped to when we recently opened up the point of making self commitments for Living with Purpose, maybe it will help to check out if your mind has made similar association and redefine commitments as a form of self support to give you a new direction next time you will face the same point.

Thanks for sharing
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mar
Posts: 311
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Post by mar »

Hi Eleonora, thanks for the perspective.

The meaning of life i intend is much more practical, in the sense of "is there something that I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW ?" because, as you said, our propulsive nature at the moment is just for "commandments" (as "i just know that i've to do this....") or fullfillments of our fears.... but never for something that I WANT TO CREATE, in which would lay the expression of who i am.

What i've realised is that i've never created something as also there is NOTHING I WOULD LIKE TO CREATE or do.... it's much more like my explanation of my apathy. Which then can lead to find some fuzzy purposes to live, like life after death or "equality and oneness" lived as a dogma.

Yes, i've to forgive me for my catholic imprint, but is something i'm not ready yet, because i've lived much more in the hate/polarity of it.... it's something very deep and ancient i don't feel ready for now...
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