Zakaria's Blog

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Zakaria Husain
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Day 262

School Life

I see children being singled out on a daily basis for not doing the right thing, in a classroom environment especially, I feel that I am also being singled out, being 'picked on' - and everybody has been doing this to everyone else since forever. whether your an adult working in a 'work place' or a child 'working' in a 'school place'.

Its the same thing everywhere, you are not allowed to leave unless given permission, not allowed to take a step unless it has been sanctioned. And I see myself react with great stress in every movement, fearing doing something that is not wanted, fear of asking questions, fear of taking responsibility for something unless I ask 'the boss' first.

Children have to go through this on a daily basis, they are conditioned to it, and the ones that try to breakout are labelled as having some behavioural problem. Not realising how the education body is actually alot of the problem, with the family being most of the problem in any young beings 'education'.

I see myself as playing tennis with this authority figure, hitting back the ball of energy sometimes, and caving into the 'crushing blows' most of the time. I say to myself 'I am being shamed', when after the fact I know that I did not or do not have to feel this way.

I am beginning to see how I have to stand up for myself, and pick myself up from this mental anxiety, and absolutely not allow myself to fall in the first place. Breathing works, and I have seen it work - I have only to implement it in the key moments. i.e. before the reaction.

So i can stand there and 'take it' - meaning not allowing myself to play the game of energy, or I can choose to stand there and speak, again without the addition of game playing where I am throwing something back to 'get back at them' - because as I have seen this just perpetuates the cycle of games we all keep playing.

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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Post by Zakaria Husain »

Day 263

School Life
I see children being singled out on a daily basis for not doing the right thing, in a classroom environment especially, I feel that I am also being singled out, being 'picked on' - and everybody has been doing this to everyone else since forever. whether your an adult working in a 'work place' or a child 'working' in a 'school place'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the thought of 'doing the right thing all the time'

What is doing the right thing all the time to me? Never falling out of line, meaning never going against what is 'expected of me' - I get this idea of what is expected of me from myself, because I am allowing myself be trapped by what I believe another person wants from me. I am doing it all to me. I am the beginning and the end of this equation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand how I have enslaved myself to my own personal hell vision of 'the authority figure' - that I then allow myself to see and respond too in other people, automatically falling into line with what I believe my commanding officer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the need to avoid being singled out and picked on - as if this is my whole reality, not seeing, realising, or understanding how I have created this dark fantasy and how it comes from myself or another beings earliest education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry around my whole education with me wherever I go - not seeing, realising, and understanding how I can investigate exactly what were my starting points in relation to these experiences of fears, anxiety, happiness, anger started, around points of authority.

I can see that I am in fact dealing with the same pattern in my life all the time, and that it is always standing in my face, not just going away - meaning I have an opportunity in every moment to really see how I am reacing, and what I can do to get out of my automated reactions. Thus I have an opportunity to stop and stand in every moment and show myself a way out of my self programmed programming.

I commit myself to walk this realisation Into practical Living by bringing the finger of responsibility Back to me always, and in So doing realise how I have created myself with and through my own participation which I must now look at in detail through writing so that I may see how I am working, deciding to stop myself instead of continuing within abusive patterns of existence where I allow myself to be ruled by my own conjurations and self limiting fears about what I should do, and how I must always fear authority.

I Will myself to understand and live the understanding that I decide who I am when I am faced with authority figures in my Life, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is the authority figure in front of me that is making me into an experience of anxiety and inferiority - I Will myself to see, realise, and understand how I Am Absolutely responsible for my experiences of fear, worry, inferiority and anger towards these points of authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my emotional experiences around authority figures are somehow focused towards them, when reality is showing me in each moment how I Am focusing this experience towards me,

When and as I see myself stepping into this 'singled out' character I stop and I breathe - and I see, realise and understand how I have in the first place, allowed myself to step into this experience of being singled out - thus I will myself to watch myself as I turn into this experience of myself - so that I may stop and step back out of this experience, understanding indeed that I am actually the one who is directing me in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand how my self education exists within my subtleties, every assumption I have about anything is due to my own 'education' that is always coming from outside of me, but I am allowing myself to take it all in and on board as who I am instead of realising I am not defined by my little and big fears, anxieties, happiness, anger or indeed anything that goes on within my mental landscape that does not serve me as life.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand how it is indeed me who is making me go through the same patterns of being day in and day out - and that I have nowhere else to point the finger except myself. I am the one walking into shit and allowing it to continue.

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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

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Day 264

Resistance to writing and fear of exposing myself to others

Since the beginning of this writing process I have not really allowed myself to write unconditionally for myself – always subtly holding onto the position that ‘I am doing it for others’ – to keep up the appearance that I am actually doing something, always choosing my topics with the utmost discretion and never really allowing myself to freely write myself out – for myself.

When it comes down to actually doing it I always allow myself to go into the backchat of ‘I can’t share this – no way – just leave it’. Then a long break will ensue and I will write again, and then stop, and then write, and then stop, on and on.

I Know that writing in this way is a liberating experience, but yet I choose not to do it. So I am seeing that what I am basically doing is defending my position as a constructed character, the character that I have created that is myself – thinking to myself that if I do this in little dribs and drabs then I won’t Have to change myself. But then why am I bothering with this at all? Because deep down I know that something here is wrong, that I am not actually living, that I am not actually alive.

I hide behind the fiction of accepting my fear of other people’s reactions to my writing, using this as an excuse to not actually write and change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally write myself out for myself, and solely for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write out of a fear of others – that if I do not write, I will not be a part of this group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the fear of being caste out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear participating fully in this process of writing and blogging myself out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an appearance keeping machine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose my topics out of fear instead of just seeing them for what they are – aspects of myself that I have allowed – that I am allowing myself to work with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and be defined by the backchat of ‘I can’t share this, it is just too much’ – not seeing, realising, and understanding that I do not have to share intimate details with the rest of the world – but that I Must be honest with myself in so much as exposing myself to myself, and where possible – sharing my writing on the pattern that I am seeing within me. This does not have to be about exposing every tiny single part of me to everybody else; only to me.

I forgive myself that I have not truly accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I am doing this writing on behalf of myself, to understand myself and to free myself of my self-limitations.

I will myself to see into my own past experiences with writing and see how it actually made me feel, how life can actually become ok, and even ecstatic when I have realised and released a particular pattern that I had been locked into

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend myself as a character construct by using fears of what other people would think about me as an excuse and justification to not work with myself – how sad is this. Yet this has been the repeating pattern in my life. And now it is time to begin stopping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see, realise, and understand that ‘I can’t share this – no way – I’ll just leave it’ is a thought that is based in fear, and a thought that I hide inside to continue my existence as programming, it’s my own programming protecting itself from exposing itself to who I actually am without it.

Even my fear of being without programming is a programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being without my pre-programmed self, not seeing, realising, or understanding how this is just another layer of thoughts that I have tangled myself into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self-limiting of myself by only allowing myself to do things in dribs and drabs, not seeing, realising, or understanding fully how I am bottlenecking myself, how I am actually stopping myself from coming alive into myself as a physical body and rather wishing to stay in the bottle of my mind for as long as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back and forth with my commitment to writing, I see, realise, and understand how within this I am showing myself how I have allowed myself to continue going back to thoughts, feelings, and emotions instead of actually directing myself physically to do things physically, not allowing myself to go into, further and further, into mental landscapes.

When I am writing I direct and will myself to just be here, I direct myself to stop myself from going anywhere else into my mind, allowing myself space for myself, so that I can actually start living and creating myself in a manner that befits life
I commit myself to actually for the first time make a commitment to myself, and to no longer allow my commitment to my characters

I will myself to see that my fear of other beings reactions is just another mind excuse for not doing a particular thing – and so when I see myself fearing what other people would think, do, or say towards something I am doing – I stop and I breathe – and I weigh the situation up in common sense, and if I see that my concern for another’s thoughts, words, or deeds, are not grounded in reality – I push through and walk and breathe through my resistance and get what needs to be done, done.

I will and direct myself to actually see for the first time who I am doing this for, me. And that even now I do not fully understand what this means. However I do know that this ‘other’ me that I am doing this for, is more real than my current me, who at the very least I know to be a lie in every single thought and expression that comes out of it, this much I know. I am always the one trying to bullshit myself or others.

I commit myself to write every day for myself, for 21 days consecutively. I must always write every day, even if it is not shared, I must still share with myself.

I will myself to actually make real direct physical changes within myself, so that when I have a type of thought, or a feeling, or an emotion – that I actually physically say no to it, not allowing myself to be led – but to instead do the leading.

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Leila
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

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Nice

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Zakaria Husain
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Joined: 12 Jul 2011, 05:24

Re: Zakaria's Blog

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Day 266

Not actually caring about others or myself

I have always known about myself certain truths, like the fact that I have never really spoken to anyone on any sort of truthful terms. That 200% of what comes out my mouth is pure bullshit. I say this because in each moment of my life since early childhood, each sentence that has come out of my mouth – each word – has been laced with hidden emotions, feelings, hopes and agendas.

Also I am aware that I don’t actually care about anybody else, I can pretend too with the normal familial, friend, and lover relationships – but I am just faking, I ‘secretly’ don’t give a shit about them. I only actually care about myself. But my caring for myself is warped, I care for myself along some other phantom line that isn’t real, almost as if it is somebody else’s line that I have taken, and that I believe to be me. Like when I am trying to ‘protect’ myself in terms of a self-image I have about myself. Am I really protecting me? It would seem not. My self-images come from a million different places at a million different times, and I believe them to be me – and that furthermore I must defend them as if they are my very life/being.

So when I see myself caring for those in my world, I am not really caring, I secretly wish my family would go away, I secretly wish upon my friends the worst so that I am always ahead of them, and I secretly wish to use my lover for my own and only my own satisfaction. Never have I considered anybody else as an actual human being. This sounds profoundly shameful, yet I am not ashamed of it. Such is the extent of my programming. I have known this point on some level or another for a long time and it seems so obvious now. And I am absolutely certain that everyone else in reality is doing the same thing – because all one has to do is look and see how people overtly and covertly treat one another in front of and behind their backs. And no matter how much ‘loving’ individuals try to deny it, nobody really Actually cares about anybody else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my own understanding of how I function in reality in that I pretend to care about others while actually only ‘caring’ about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually care about myself – not seeing or realising that I am ‘caring’ about an illusory self that I have created and that I believe to be me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that I am caring about my own self-interest – self-interest that is ignorant of the interests of life as a whole. And in so doing I have allowed myself to be ignorant of the true needs of other beings,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what comes out of my mouth as being ‘pure bullshit’ – judging it and not actually seeing how it is I allowed it to come about through my chosen thoughts, feelings, and emotions; the things I have nominated to be ‘me’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that judging myself as being a being of pure shit is yet another trick I as my mind play on myself to keep me within my mind – believing that I am fighting against myself and somehow being noble in this self-judgement.

When actually I am stopping myself from standing up and correcting myself physically in the moment of seeing that I am shitting on something or someone – and actually taking responsibility for myself, and forgiving those points which I have not yet understood and realised, so that I can get to the root of a particular line of programming, and stop it permanently; so that I can may move into the next point that I have been participating in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a basing of each word I speak in self-interest, always wanting or trying gain some good favour from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate wholly as a pretence towards every being in my reality

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully see the extent of which I do not care about anything or anyone else in my reality except myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a protecting of me as my self-image, believing this to be the be all and end all of my existence. Not considering that I am a living breathing being that is alive behind and beyond what I accept about myself as an image.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see – realise – and understand that my self-image comes from a million different places, as all the memories and media that I have been exposed too in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend myself on every front without even realising that those fronts are indeed just ‘fronts’ – I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that when I am reacting to other peoples words – when I feel like I am being placed on the spot about my self – to see and realise the façade that I am creating for myself – and to allow myself to come back to my actual physical self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I want my family to just go away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe that it is my family that I want to actually go away, not actually seeing, realising, and understanding how it is in fact my reactions and my experience towards my family that makes me want them to secretly ‘go away and leave me alone’. Hence I need to change how I experience myself within my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish the worst upon my friends – wishing this so that I can feel and see myself as superior – hence I am not really being a friend to them. A practical correction would be to just actually consider other people fully in the moment(s) that I am with them, not secretly wishing to get rid of them but fully listening to them and seeing where they are coming from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see myself in this reality, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as the centre of the universe, seeing, realising, and understanding that that is not the case, that there are many expressions of life – and that other human beings are actually in the same position that I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly judge myself for not considering others to be equal in essence to who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a way in which I am either on top or of below another human being – not really seeing how this is feeding into the hierarchy system that is already, how I am helping to a schism between human beings and life.

I will myself to stop pretending to myself, and through this stop my pretending to others by breathing and knowing who I am within that, that I am not my thoughts, feelings, or emotions; that I am not my memories, and that I am not my fantasies; that there is only one physical world that is real and that I can participate in, and that I can show myself literally in every single moment.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I can only ever take care of myself from the perspective of actually caring about who I am as a breathing body, and not who I am as a character design that I have seen to be dysfunctional and damaging to myself, the world, and everything in it. I will myself to see that I am not doing reality any favours by continuing to live as my mind, my character designs.

I will myself to stop judging what comes out of me as pure bullshit, as this judgement is also another strata of my confused dysfunction, and so when I see myself looking at myself from this perspective of ‘I chat so much shit’ - I stop and I breathe and I direct myself into my physical body and I present myself to me so that I know who I am in this moment, and I stop allowing myself to be that which I am not, as my mind controlled self.

I will myself to no longer allow myself to let my mind be the dictator of who I am in each moment, and I further will myself to take the reins of my mind – to direct it to serve a purpose that is best – for Life.

I will myself to let go of currying the good favour of others and to rather gain favour from myself as real self-trust, and self-confidence that I have what it takes to stop and change myself from a destructively programmed being into someone who is aligned with actual life. My life is not about gaining energy from other human beings.

I will and direct myself to start to see that caring for myself for real actually means stopping my mind, stopping my mind from ravaging my body and the earth so that I can actually begin to start living in consideration of life and not in spite of it.

I direct myself to the understanding that everyone thinks in virtually the same way that I do, self-centred and ignorant of life as a Whole.

I will myself to stop defending myself as a character and to actually start using those points of defence as a way to go into who I have allowed myself to be and become. The obvious point being that I can understand a lot about myself if I just look at how I secretly and openly react to things in my world, write them down for myself, forgive myself, re-commit and re-establish myself – and move on.

I will myself to realise that my family and my friends are my training ground for how I establish myself as a being with other human beings, hence much practice can be gained in nearly every moment, do I fall into my mind, or do I stand stable, standing up for myself and them as life equal and one?

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Zakaria Husain
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Believing that I have already lost

While sitting with a client I hear myself thinking ‘I have lost them already, they do not understand me, there is a language barrier here and they are not getting what I am saying’. I go into this feeling of pessimism where I say to myself ‘what’s the point of continuing, I may as well just stop and give up right now’.
I felt that my words were locked into a foreboding sense of failure, even the words that came out did not sit right with me, like they were half hearted – or even no hearted. So I just drudged through with the thought ‘I may as well just get this over with’.
I either find myself undulating between the thought of this person not being able to understand me ‘because I am too smart’ OR this person thinking I am an idiot ‘because I am too dumb’. And from this one moment of apparent failure, I project future failures where once I have projected great future success – suddenly my reality becomes dim and hopeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘I have lost the client already’ when I see them make a particular face disinterest, annoyance, anger – which I have reacted too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a reaction to a client’s facial features – where I automatically assume that I know exactly what they are thinking and exactly how they are feeling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that the client does not understand what I am talking about because of a language or comprehension barrier, without seeing realising and understanding that I can never truly tell how much is going on beneath their surface expressions beneath their surface words – where in fact a lot of things are happening, not just what I assume as a misunderstanding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in this way by believing that they have already formed their end opinions about me and why I am here and that there is not a single point in continuing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in pessimism after my thought processes on how I believe things are happening with the person/people I am talking too, instead of realising that to actually be effective I have to be here fully listening and being aware absolutely so that I can see things that I would not have been able to see, and so that I can guide my word’s and my actions in an understanding of the situation, instead of a fearful assumption of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions on the matter as an excuse to give up within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that within each word I am speaking to these people, that I am destined to fail – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak with a half-hearted tone, allowing my thoughts, feelings, and emotions to get in the way of what I am doing right now in the moment of speaking to another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the speaking of words from the starting point of ‘trying to move past this bad experience’ – instead of correcting myself in real-time, so that I can actually be effective then and there, here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘I am too smart for this person, hence they will not understand me, hence they will dislike me because they believe that I am trying to be superior, hence my whole venture will fail’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that the person I am speaking with is too smart for me, and shall hence look down upon me when I am speaking to them, believing that I do not know what I am talking about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that some people are beneath me and some above me in terms of understanding, not seeing realising or understanding how I am cutting myself off at the legs in both situations as in both instances I am walking into the moment with a pre-held acceptance and allowance, thus limiting myself and my possible expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a desire to speak to someone who is on the exact same level – not seeing realising and understanding that I would just develop some new excuse as to why it would not work as this is how I am seeing my mind work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in future projections of failure based on past moments where I have allowed my thoughts, feelings, and emotions to get in the way of the actual reality that I was facing, as talking to a client or another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as hopelessness, now seeing and realising that hope and hopelessness are ways in which I limit myself and stop myself from working with what is right here in front of me.

When and as I see myself participating in the thought/belief that ‘I have lost this client’ after having seen a certain expression which I have defined as negative – I stop and I breathe and I just take a moment for myself to realign myself to my body, and then carry on speaking – I do not allow myself to be judge their faces and body language in a way that stops me from speaking to them effectively, as there is no point to this, and in doing this I allow myself to fuck with myself.

I will myself to stop trying to figure out whether or not they like me or not, I direct myself to focus on myself and on the words that they are saying – and not allow myself to focus on what my mind is apparently seeing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realise and understand that I have limited myself within the constant repeating question of ‘does this person like me or not’

I will myself to see that this point of being concerned as to whether or not people find me agreeable/disagreeable is completely moot to my reality and how things work – as the answer to these questions will always rely on the individuals self-programming as what they have trained themselves to like and dislike, and like and dislike in this regard is not life – and hence no reason to be concerned with it. Thus I focus on stopping my own participation in this point, but also realising that from a common-sensical business perspective – it is important to form and create relationships.

I direct myself to stop and forgive my participation in the construct of liking and disliking people as I see it happening in real time, to not accept and allow myself to judge people so that I as my mind can come to a like or dislike – it is completely unnecessary and will stop me from seeing the actual reality that I am in right now

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that a language barrier does not mean it is ‘the end’ – and that this ‘end’ I envision begins and Ends with me

I direct myself to live self-awareness in each moment that I am speaking to another – furthermore I do not just have to be aware when I am speaking to those whom I am trying attempting to trade with, but that my whole living experience can be a testing ground for my self-awareness while talking and interacting with people.

I direct myself to see how I as the mind am an excuse generating machine that constantly and consistently stifles my living and stops me from opening and expanding my world – hence I must be constant and consistent in my stopping of my excuses wherever they arise.

I will myself to see realise and understand that living in the future in either a positive or negative mind set is futile and only further separates me from what is here and now

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Zakaria Husain
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Day 268

While sitting in a meeting with an ‘important’ client I saw a number of things happening outside of me that I reacted too inside of me. This client is someone whom can be considered to have a high position and is also someone whom I must present too in order to get my message across.

Whenever I saw both of their bodies shift, I immediately assumed that this body and facial language that they were showing me was them saying ‘I don’t like you, I don’t like what you are saying, I don’t agree with what you are saying, I don’t think you know what you’re talking about’.

First there was the obvious point that I saw within me, a fear of this human being as being superior to me in terms of the knowledge, understanding, and life experience that they have, comparing it to my own knowledge, understanding, and life experience – which I have already deemed to be inadequate when faced with these specific type of people.

I saw that I did not really know what I was talking about in terms of what I was trying to show and demonstrate to them – how I made it very hard for myself by moving too quickly through what I was trying to show, not actually just slowing down and going step by step in a simple way, instead trying to very quickly impress this person with what I believed to be the best part(s) of my product.

I don’t really see myself as trusting myself in these/those moment, always wanting/needing/having to follow the structure or plan, as I have seen it’s always much harder trying to remain rigid, it’s always gone better for me when I just allow myself to flow with what’s happening around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a defining of some human beings as being ‘important’ not seeing or realising that we are in essence all the same – however I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an anxiety and fear of those who have ‘high positions’ within the system – believing that they hold some power over me, that I must completely and willingly accept what they say as canon

I have seen first-hand that our apparent leaders are anything but, that they are not bastions of Life in our world and that they are in fact subject to the same nonsense that all are, namely self-interest and survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a belief that because somebody holds a high office in a ‘noble job’ – then that must mean that they have only the best intentions for me and everybody else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a labelling of such people, believing these labels to be real when I can see that they are not as they only exist in my head, as fabrications that I have created from my own life experiences. They have not been grounded in any sort of reality that I can trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of ‘the body movement’ when I am talking to or interacting with other ‘business people’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a negative judgement of a potential clients/business partners facial gestures, believing that whatever their faces are doing in the moment is always something that is negatively geared towards me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a taking of every little thing that happens in a meeting as a personal attack on me – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everything personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of people ‘disliking me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of people ‘not liking what I am saying’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear and anxiety about people thinking that ‘I do not know what I am talking about’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of knowledgeable people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of anybody who has ‘more understanding’ of the world than I do, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare what I see as their superior knowledge and understanding to me – whom I see as inferior for not standing equal to their higher vantage point – why should I allow myself to place and play myself at a disadvantage when this really does not do anything for me, only placing restrictions upon me.

I only deem myself to be inadequate, in my own mind is where this belief exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of myself for not knowing how to effectively demonstrate and speak about my program

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety at not knowing how to demonstrate effectively – not seeing, realising, or understanding that I know exactly how this program works, and I know all of the ins and outs, however by allowing myself to rush through things to get to those points which I have deemed superior, I neglected to speak about the more common sense practical points that are present with the program, hence I set myself up for failure before I had even begun, not seeing the program as a whole and only allowing myself to focus on what I as my mind have deemed important.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust in my training and in myself, and as to demonstrate this point – if I were in a ‘comfortable’ and relaxed environment where I was ‘alright with myself’ I would amply be able to explain each part of the program, and exactly what each part has to offer.

When and as I see myself as facing authority, as people who hold ‘status’ in the world – I stop and I breathe – and I see realise and understand that we are both breathing and living in the same space – and though one that is being faced is currently in a position of status there is no need to go into a fear and anxiety at the fact that they hold a particular position – I can still talk, not allowing myself to feel small in their presence, because what am I doing if allow myself to feel smaller than them? I am buying into and supporting the whole construct of higher and lower.

Thus I will myself buy into – to invest in myself as I am – here now, not for one moment allowing myself to go into inferiority complexes like I have done my whole life – not once will I allow myself to go into superiority complex, as they both feed off into and are part of the same construct

I will myself to look at my own life and the life of other’s as supporting evidence for this – never have I met a truly great leader that actually considers life in all instances instead of abusing it for their own gain under the justification that it is impossible to treat everyone the same, that ‘sometimes’ those in power ‘have to do bad things to get things done’; ironically the ‘sometimes’ part of this equation has only seemed to have escalated throughout my life to ‘all the time’ – yet nobody notices.

Thus there was never actually any noble form of leadership I have witnessed being consistently carried out in my life – yet I have still allowed placed my absolute trust in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of the current leadership because I have allowed myself to believe that they have actual power over me.

I will myself to see that interpreting body movements of clients in a negative or positive way whereby I experience and energy high or low, does not actually practically help me to perfect myself as what I am doing and saying in the moment

When and as I see other being’s smirking or making facial gestures which I believe are critically focused at me – I stop and I breathe – and I will myself to not take it personally, to realise that somewhere along the lines I did or said something that they reacted too – and thus to identify these points so that I can make myself absolutely clear and heard – this is the only way forward. I will not allow myself to wallow in past moments where I have been given these disparaging looks thus allowing myself to take a step back, I will myself to pick myself up, and learn from what has happened or not happened, so that the next time I can be more effective.

I direct myself to see that there are no personal attacks; all ‘personal attacks’ are actually showing me is where I have still allowed myself to be prodded and shaken into going within my mind, where I still hold onto some definition and limitation of me. Thus if I see I am being ‘personally attacked’ – I can use the point to see if I am actually getting offended, and thus open the point up for myself so that I can forgive, correct, and move on.

I will myself to actually take the practical steps necessary to know the ins and outs of what I am talking about – by actually performing the actions every day, by doing the writing, by using the technology, by listening to the words of others – and physically integrating it within myself so that I have a direct access over them at any moment – and hence there will be no anxiety that I do not know what I am talking about – as I will simply know.

I direct myself to take a breath while presenting, to take it slow and actually SHOW and DEMONSTRATE what I am doing – to not judge different aspects as being more important than others, realising that the whole thing must be given equal value, everything that I say must be instilled with value equally – to no longer allow myself to just jump and sprint through a presentation, but to actually present it.

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Zakaria Husain
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Day 269

I have noticed that I fear making appointment for myself, and a general anxiety towards this whole process – I think to myself ‘I have never done this before, what if I get it wrong’. I have always had things laid out for me, always someone else just telling me what I have/need to do, never actually having to figure it out for myself, just blindly following orders like a soldier. I believe there is some relief in not having to do things for myself, or at the very least a little relief in knowing that someone is just telling me to do something, and that the path is clear and ‘ok’ to walk.

So I fear having to call people to book in times to see them, I fear actually seeing these people alone and having to do all the steps like interacting and paperwork, by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the fear of making appointments for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing anything by myself and without guidance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define guidance as having something done for me – without me doing anything at all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that this thought of ‘never having done it before’ is just another justification, just another fiction as to why I should stay where I am so as to not expand and grow within myself – a baby does not say to itself ‘but I do not know how to walk’ – the baby just persistently and consistently applies itself to this act of walking, and then one day it walks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the fear of taking my own first steps within business, and the fear of the knowledge that I have that I will fall over many, many times.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see or realise or understand that the whole world operates like this, no one is born running, regardless of one’s status or class, we all fall over in that effort to stand up – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this falling over and furthermore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people’s thoughts may be when they see me fall over.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that this ‘process’ is actually more self-centred than I realise, and hence other people’s thoughts and words about me have literally nothing to do with me or my process unless I am either reacting to them and thus they are showing me who I am in that moment, or if they contain common sense which I can use to expand myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the desire to be told what to do so that I do not have to think for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that doing and thinking things for myself is ‘hard’, not seeing or realising that I am the one making these statements to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a relief when I have not had to ‘do something’ or to ‘lay the groundwork’ – not seeing realising and understanding that within all of this I am still allowing myself to cling onto wanting somebody else to ‘do it for me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of walking a path that I have not seen somebody else walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking into new territory alone

I will myself to see that I literally have not got a choice when it comes to making appointments – or going out and making appointment – of going to appointments and actually speaking to people – the only choice I Have is how I choose to experience myself while doing these things

When and as I see myself participating in the thought that because ‘I have not doing something – it means that I cannot do it’ – I stop and I breathe, because I see, realise, and understand that this is just a justification and excuse I use to not grow myself into something, for instance to not grow myself into my business

I will myself to see realise and understand that persistence and consistency akin to that of a baby is what I will need to get myself as my business moving. It will be weird and strange at first, but as with anybody, I as my business will eventually start to walk, and then run, and then keep going and growing.

I will myself to stop any reactions I have to falling, to investigate through self-forgiveness those reactions that keep coming up, and thus unshackle myself from my own fear of making mistakes

I will myself to realise and understand that mistakes are just mis-takes, and as such I will not make mountains out of molehills.

I will myself to no longer allow myself to utter within me the words ‘this is hard’ as I can see that this changes my experience of myself in this moment, and if I can change my experience through simply uttering these words to myself – then it means that I can change my experience into one where I am not hesitant or resistant towards taking on responsibility. It means that I can take full self-responsibility for who I am here, now, and in every single moment.

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Zakaria Husain
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Day 270 - Not enough money!

So with the prospect of moving jobs from something mediocre to something genuinely challenging where I will be facing myself in my different types of different situations, I have this fear come up; ‘what if I can’t make enough money to survive’.

Now the conversations I have had with a few colleagues has shown me that it does not have to be so black and white, and that money is a necessity which I don’t have to just let go of. I can make time for my business in the beginning as much of it would happen After work anyway (for the time being).

But yet how I played it within my mind, using it as such a weight on me, thinking ‘oh here I go, about to suffer through many hardships’. I see that there will be hard times occasionally, but this is one of those times where I am purposefully making it hard for myself, I can do my current job and my business for the moment by simply making myself available after work – consistently.

I still see myself holding on to fears of rejections as well, like saying to myself ‘I am going out after a long day’s work – only to be rejected many times over’ – just another justification that my mind uses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of not making enough money to survive – not seeing, realising and understanding that I have ‘survived’ every moment of my life no matter what that moment was, that life is not actually about surviving but about living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of my work as being mediocre not seeing and realising how I attaching an unnecessary charge to my current work, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how I do not have to judge where I am right now in anyway whatsoever – and that this type of participation just creates friction in my life

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this polarity ‘oh my job I crap’ – and ‘I want something challenging’, I see realise and understand how I am just making up another polarity play for me to be absorbed within

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realise and understand fully that I have never actually had to struggle to survive - that there is no point in my life where I have been starving, or cold, or absolutely moneyless. Yet I have participated in many instances of fearing for my survival – first seeing my parents doing it, and then doing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of ‘what ifs’ – seeing, realising, and understanding that these ‘what ifs’ are not ‘what’s here’ – and that what’s ‘here’ must always take ultimate priority in my life because it’s the only thing that’s real.

I can prognosticate when and as I need too, but only from a position of stillness and common sense, if I start to ‘look ahead’ from a starting point feelings, emotions or thoughts, then I know that I am not doing what is best for me, and that I am allowing myself to be mind fucked by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an experience of regret for having had friends and colleagues tell me common sense practical suggestions when I believe ‘I should have come to these points myself’. Thus it is awesome when some common sensical insight is given by another, yet I can use these point as a foundation for my own reasoning ability, never allow myself to think about a problem from a starting point of energy, always take a step back and look at the situation as an observer – and just see what has to be done.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be locked into my own way of thinking to the point where I believe I cannot change a ‘decision’ that I have made in the past to ‘do something’ – I can just flow with it instead, find a work around – investigate and remove the source of my limitations as to why I cannot do something like working till late, like tiredness – which are all just beliefs that I hold about reality within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that it is impossible to go somewhere after I have finished work – it is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am always tired after work – I am not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I want to wind down after work – not seeing realising or understanding that my winding down just involved watching shit online, and reading about shit online, thus never actually doing anything for myself, but everything for my mind, whereby I entertain my mind and allow my mind to feed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that relaxing means feeding my mind shit, instead of stopping it and truly allowing my body to relax

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘life is hard, and is about to get harder’ – not seeing, realising, or understanding how I am making this into an experience of myself whereby I play by the script that I am writing – in this case ‘life is hard because I am going to be working all the time now, I am going to be doing business meetings atop of my usual work schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought ‘I am only going out there to be rejected again and again’, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this thought as a smoke screen justification for why I cannot and should not move into this work, it’s just another fiction that I am writing for myself – till here, no further.

When and as I see myself as fearing for my monetary survival I stop and I breathe, I forgive myself in that moment then and there until I am breathing in silence, Then I allow myself to look at the problem, and see the always common sense solutions that are always available to me. I do not allow myself to look at the problem from a starting point of energy

I will myself to stop looking at my work from an energetically charged perspective – realising that work is work, and that money is always needed in this life, I will myself to stop playing this game within myself where I hit an imaginary ball at myself as the work that I do – believing that I am somehow showing to myself my dedication to my other job – when really I am just fucking around with myself.

Sure I can see the problems within my current job, and within the structure in general, but never do I have to play the blame game. I can choose to focus on what I am doing, and how I bring things into reality through my thoughts, words, and deeds.

I will myself to see and realise and understand how I never have experienced the hardships that happen to so many people in the world – as I was born in the first world, and all my problems that I have apparently faced in my time have been mind problems, have been my-problems.

I will myself to live as ‘what’s here’ and not as ‘what if’s’ as what if’s are not real, and only serve to push me further into my mind where I become enslaved to my own projections, there is a big difference between thinking what if from a common sense perspective, and thinking what if from my mind’s perspective

I will myself to see that by slowing myself down through breath – I can see the common sense solutions that others have pointed out for me – and most importantly I can see them for myself – thus not having to rely upon or wait for others to give me these dollops of common sense that I can dish out for myself.

I direct myself to see that just because I made a decision to do something a certain way in the past, does not mean that I cannot be flexible, even changing the decision to suit what’s here now.

When and as I see myself as about to ‘wind down’ I stop and I breathe – and I ask myself, am I really winding down? Or am I allowing my mind to get a ‘fix’ of something, of some entertainment, of some way into another alternate world where I do not consider anything about actual physical living.

Not that movies are bad, but I can see how I have allowed a rampant abuse of internet and movie time in my life. Time to cut that shit down significantly and give my self body time instead.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that whatever I play in my head as a script, will obviously become my self-experience of myself – I mean it’s really that simple isn’t it. Thus I see that I can stop the script, but also I can change it as well – I can change the tune completely.

‘The fact that something else can change your experience, means that you can change your own experience’

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Bella
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Post by Bella »

very cool! thanks for sharing this Zak!

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