Scott's Writing

scott
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Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 14 Jul 2011, 05:39

Hating my face

When I look into the mirror I know that what I am in the habit of seeing is not what I actually look like, and that the mind-projected ‘self’ that I see in the mirror is a form of self deception. Trying to not look repulsive to myself according to how I’ve been conditioned to judge, projecting myself into my own reflection as someone who is self-respecting and ‘strong,’ while making faces to avoid myself and reality. It can be a very empty experience and usually is, because I know what I look like and there are no surprises.

In the mirror, I’m an assymetrical face on a skull, and to this I have attached a social persona and whatever that implies within the mindfuck social hierarchy. I have been prone to dwelling on all the things I could be in this human sideshow, which I never will be because my heart is just not into it, as it doesn’t serve the best interest of all.

There’s a certain kind of face I have wanted to wear, and I have studied my own physiognomy with the intention to train myself to be able to wear it ‘well.’ Yet I always perceived my face to be the kind that can’t be 'worn well' under any circumstances, because aside from being asymmetrical, it was never suitable to project what my mind wanted it to. It can be animated, but not in the way my mind would have preferred, based on a clusterfuck of media personalities I allowed myself to fixate on growing up. I have had fantasies of cutting my face with a knife, as if the addition of scars would make it ‘better’ somehow. I could never understand how to express myself effectively within the context of the human charade, i.e., in a way that translates well with the dialect of others, whose reference point for everything is rooted in the only world they know, existing in their minds, so estranged from themselves and physical reality (as I have always been). This is what I’ve spent a lot of ‘fake energy’ trying to relate to, like a matter of trying to leave a certain impression with people, but lacking the proper ‘self-awareness’ (in the context of the mind).

So as if to compensate for all my awkwardness and shortcomings, self-mutilation ‘worked’ in the sense that it seemed to short-circuit the systems through the effort to get back in touch with my delusional 'reality' through cutting my body. The ritual aspect of it, the exhilaration and bleeding seemed to clear the mind of hatred and pettiness, even if that meant refilling it with something just as worthless and deceptive. I began this somewhere at the beginning of puberty, of course, with small incisions that progressed over time into larger lacerations and bigger scars. The intention was to create a kind of inviolate ‘force field’ of self-dehumanization to turn people off, but rather it just made them curious, and when they asked I would (and still do) explain that I was abducted by aliens because that usually kills the conversation since I never wanted to have to explain myself to everyone. In the course of a decade (90s) my forearms were almost completely covered in scars, and it gave me the reputation as a kind of self-destructive curiosity, which I didn’t really mind because it made me feel like I had disconnected myself from everyone else, therefore being ‘free,’ on some mindfucked level.

People occasionally stare at me and whisper amongst themselves, and the way I would allow myself to react within myself is to want them to, e.g., drop dead or just explode. My breathing would become shallow and my body would become very rigid as I allowed myself to react within the mind. My mind would run through its own built-in teleprompter of sado-masochistic retorts and images of what my mind perceived as ‘antagonists’ in a process of being severely mutilated. My mind was like a program that wanted to consume me in some means to preserve the ego, which is a common story as much as I might hesitate to admit, because my mind wants it to be a unique story that I can call my own. I’ve allowed myself to react to it on so many levels, and it’s not even real. I’ve allowed myself to react within myself in such extreme forms of silent hatred and disgust, to the extent that it would seem to hollow me out, so to speak, as I had defined and abdicated myself according to silent hatred.

Pettiness, something I had always tagged as a pet peeve within myself, manifested within/as me as my allowed silent hatred for human pettiness and judgment got the better of me, so to speak, as I was so much in the habit of silently projecting it outward. It’s pretty ironic that there is such a suppression of fear of vulnerability and dehumanization within me, because in my mind I would have described it as ‘confronting,’ rather than avoiding, myself. Wallowing in silent hatred for the pettiness of others is pettiness in itself, as it is a self-destructive reaction to something that serves no practical purpose in this world.



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Bella
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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby Bella » 14 Jul 2011, 21:01

hi, cool self-insights here Scott!

gift yourself with the next step : self-forgiveness -- self-correction -- self-(re)creation



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Lindsay
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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby Lindsay » 14 Jul 2011, 22:16

hi, cool self-insights here Scott!

gift yourself with the next step : self-forgiveness -- self-correction -- self-(re)creation
yes - forGIVE yourself to yourself.

thanks for sharing scott - keep 'em comin'!

i have had to do plenty of self-forgiveness on hating my face as well - such ridiculous self-abuse when we are HERE as the physical, which doesn't require 'symmetry' to exist - that is merely the mind as conditioned ideas/beliefs/preferences based on conditioning - what we were told is desirable as preprogrammed systems of enslavement. time to break the chains that bind us, and live as who we are here - enjoying self-expression without limitation.



scott
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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 15 Jul 2011, 23:43

*(Hey Bella and Lindsay ~ Thanks… I remember when I experimented with this a couple years ago I didn’t quite understand it and just wrote everything out mechanically without taking the time to really dissect the point beforehand. This time I felt like I succeeded in being much more deliberate and specific, and effective.)


self-image/ self-correction

To believe these reactions and auto-responses are who I am only reinforces and perpetuates self-limitation and isolation, as it is directed by the mind rather than who I am in physical reality, as a living, breathing human being, enjoying the process of dissecting my own social conditioning, accumulated self-image and mental constructs. I’m not what people want to project onto me, just as I’m not the reaction and insecurity that I want to silently project in exchange. No one needs to be a slave to the perceptions of anyone else. I’ve reinforced and perpetuated illusion by reacting to it time and again, thereby allowing myself to believe that I’m incapable of honest, reality-based expression. Here I stop this judgment, within/as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as limited by my physical appearance and how may be perceived and judged by other human beings. I stand and direct myself through my physical expression without judging how I may appear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define what other human beings project onto me as ‘who I am,’ as I stand and direct myself according to who I am and what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who is uncomfortable within his own skin, as this concept of ‘comfort’ is exclusive to the mind and serves no practical purpose. I define myself as a human being equal to all others, and so I stand and direct myself according to this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent other human beings who whisper amongst themselves about me as I walk by, taking it ‘personally,’ as if whatever they were to say about me means anything, and as if the part of me that takes offense serves any practical purpose in this world.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to embrace the curiosity of others, and to respond to it effectively in a reality-based way, speaking to them clearly and directly like the human beings that they are.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to embrace the close proximity of other people, and to acknowledge their existence as human beings instead of reacting out of insecurity and becoming a statue of self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play a power game within my mind, wasting time and breath within/as mindfucking that serves no practical purpose in this world. I stand and direct myself within this physical world in the starting point of what is best for all, as I stop my participation within/as self-destructive competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I’m incapable of articulating and deconstructing this point. I stand and direct myself, stop the mind and forgive myself within/as breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself to perceptions and judgments people make based on superficial knowledge. I stand and direct myself, and respond clearly and direct based on common sense and reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to an insecure, isolated personality, as there’s nothing to isolate myself from. I stand and direct myself within physical reality, and see human beings for who we really are beyond self-deceit, mindgames and projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the restrictive perceptions of others. Since these projections are not reality-based, they are only restrictive toward themselves, thereby maintaining a world of separation and inequality. I stand and direct myself in reality, rather than in mental projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within perceiving myself as a character in a role-play scenario, thereby supporting separation, self-diminishment and dehumanization. I stand and direct myself as a physically manifest human being, no less than or greater than any other physically manifest human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fueling, supporting, and perpetuating a mind system. I stop my participation within/as this and direct myself in physical reality, standing for what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the deconstruction of the illusion of who I believed myself to be based on the socially conditioned perceptual feedback of others. I stop this within/as myself and embrace my own self-deconstruction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to condemn people. I stop hatred and disgust within/as myself, and allowing myself to be psychologically dependent on it as a source of energy. Hatred, disgust and resentment is not who I am and serves no practical purpose in physical reality within the context of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not seeing things as they are. I stop my perception of this world within the context of the mind and stand within physical reality with the starting point of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an ugly person with an awkward personality, based on the perceptual habit of separation. I stop my support and participation of this attraction/repulsion polarity, and direct myself in physical reality, rather than within/as the biases of social hierarchy, which isn’t real and stands for nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame those who have verbally or physically abused me in the past, and clinging to these memories, and defining myself according to them. I stand and direct myself within/as physical, as memories are not reality-based, and to dwell on them is to obsess on illusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in resentment toward the consensus. Consensus reality is nothing other than the system itself. I stop myself from perpetuating things that are not real through the habit of resentment, and direct myself within/as physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to avoidance of degradation, dehumanization, and humiliation and even defining these as reality-based experiences within/as myself. I embrace the deconstruction of who I believed myself to be in a mind-projected world of separation, polarities and self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define attractiveness and repulsion, existing within polarity and believing this is a reality-based standard, rather than seeing it for the mental construct that it is. I direct myself in physical reality beyond the context of polarities and social hierarchy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am responsible for everyone through my participation within/as the mind. I direct myself from the starting point of equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self-imposed limitations of the consensus, and unwittingly projecting this onto others as it’s been ‘projected onto me.’ I stop the game of projections and limitations and stand within/as physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believing that I am incapable of interacting with others. I stop thinking that I am beneath or above anyone, and I direct myself as interaction from the starting point of being equal to all human beings, beyond delusional polarities and personae.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use insecurity as an excuse to avoid interacting with others, fueling this insecurity without honestly deconstructing it. I direct myself and embrace the deconstruction of my self-definition within/as insecurity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by my own insecurity. I stop my self within/as the familiar ‘security’ that insecurity provides, and I embrace who I am within/as physical reality, without delusions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through the automatic pilot motions of normal, acceptable behavior in society. I stand and direct myself beyond social hierarchy and approval, and the fake energy that perpetuates it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a game of projections and separation, participating in the game of mutual enslavement within/as self-creation in the mind. I stop and re-create myself as who I am in the physical, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot move beyond being an observer behind a face into being self-directive and alive. I stop self-doubt and direct myself beyond delusions of incompetence through unconditional forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive human beings whom I’m acquainted with as ‘memory characters,’ in an effort to find security within myself. I stop my participation in the habit of seeing people as being anything other than who/what they are in this physical reality, and I embrace the deconstruction and forgiveness of my own self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming embalmed as my own self-image. I stop fear of incompetence toward the process of self-recreation as I embrace who I am within/as physical reality, and direct myself from the starting point of what is best for all.



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Lindsay
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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby Lindsay » 16 Jul 2011, 01:11

Awesome Scott!

The real point of 'success' is in the LIVING of these statements, in fact (as true 'success' is not a feeling, but a point Lived as 'who you are') - so, test yourself in your practical-living walking and see if you have been specific enough - if not, 'back to the drawing board' - until here no further. This is how we stop a point - forevermore.

Very cool - thanks for sharing.



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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby Marlen » 16 Jul 2011, 21:18

self-image/ self-correction

To believe these reactions and auto-responses are who I am only reinforces and perpetuates self-limitation and isolation, as it is directed by the mind rather than who I am in physical reality, as a living, breathing human being, enjoying the process of dissecting my own social conditioning, accumulated self-image and mental constructs. I’m not what people want to project onto me, just as I’m not the reaction and insecurity that I want to silently project in exchange. No one needs to be a slave to the perceptions of anyone else. I’ve reinforced and perpetuated illusion by reacting to it time and again, thereby allowing myself to believe that I’m incapable of honest, reality-based expression. Here I stop this judgment, within/as myself.
Very cool self-statement.

Self acceptance is allowing ourselves to exist without a constant self judgment as the appearance of 'who we are/ what we are' diminishing ourselves to 'less than' what we compare ourselves towards others to be - all mind created definitions that keep humanity in a winning/losing game based on ideals that cannot accept diversity of how we exist as - good and bad must cease to exist to accept what is here - within that Equal Value = Self Value emerges.

Thanks for sharing



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Caffeine and Depression

Postby scott » 18 Jul 2011, 23:00

Caffeine and Depression (Energy Possession/Addiction)

For the past decade I have been more or less dependent on caffeine pills. They are very cheap and can be purchased at the local convenience store. One bottle of 200 mg pills (90 ct.) will last me about a month. I don’t know exactly what is in them, as I’ve always just taken for granted that since they have the effect I desired, then that was sufficient enough for me to justify it. I have always allowed myself to obey the impulse to satisfy the addiction without even thinking about it, and I am resisting the impulse to take one or drink coffee right now.

For the times when I wanted to close my eyes and not do anything, not accept self-responsibility, to give up on life and stand for nothing, there has always been caffeine (if not sleep). I experience an empty feeling in my chest that fiends for it, and I feel like I can’t sit up straight without it. My spine feels compressed, there is tension in my abdomen, and breathing is constricted. Caffeine would enable me to transcend these subtle discomforts. Sleep would suppress the compounding insecurities and unresolved points within me, while caffeine would enable me to suppress them by enabling a synthetic experience within me as being physiologically ‘buoyant,’ and ‘balanced,’ and ‘inner-directed.’ I’ve been addicted to who I’ve been when I’m ‘wired,’ and much of ‘who I’ve been’ has been as synthetic as caffeine in pill form.

I’ve been tempted to believe that I can’t function without it while perceiving 'depression' as my 'default setting' and something to avoid. It’s as if I’ve attempted to preserve the caffeinated state of mind in formaldehyde, because I’ve simply been attached to the idea and the feeling of it, which is removed from actual life. The personality cultivated with caffeine is much like a pre-embalmed organic robot.

Perhaps the most subtle and subversive quality about this habit has been the masochistic fetish of my own fear of loss. This has been such a prominent aspect of my persona design, and so embedded to the point where I’ve often taken it for granted because of its subtlety (like all points). This fetish goes far back into my childhood, and I believe it’s common since self-diminishment is such a trend. Whatever long-term consequences that overindulgence of caffeine would have on my health never mattered to me. In my mind, I believed that if it shortens my life, so much the better. As attractive as this masochism is to me, it’s something I can’t allow because it serves no practical purpose in this world.

The depression that I have reinforced with caffeine has been a consequence of my avoiding facing myself without judgment, and as there was never any need for this, it follows that there was never any need for suppression and self-deception with the aid of caffeine. Aside from making my heart beat faster, caffeine is useless for any real, practical support if all it does is suppress the symptoms of self-avoidance and reinforce an energetic possession. I need nothing more than who I am, here in this moment within each breath, one and equal to all life.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need caffeine in order to function and maintain a sense of alertness, as if without it I will be lethargic and incapacitated. I am awake to this reality through each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am weak-willed. Self-judgment is a useless waste of time and serves no practical purpose. I am one and equal to everyone and I direct myself in this physical world without the distraction of self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-medicate and abuse myself with caffeine. I do not require caffeine in order to exist, and I direct myself without it here, as a physically manifest human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive the state of mind that I am addicted to under the influence of caffeine is the state I need to be in if I am going to accomplish anything. I direct myself from the starting point of self-responsibility and equality, which doesn’t require fake energy or the mind-controlled persona it generates.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate my addiction. It is a method of self-avoidance, which can go on until I am dead; so I stop, here, face and direct myself without perpetuating self-avoidance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to envy people who can be lucid and articulate without much sleep. Comparing myself to other people is a waste of time and resolves nothing. I direct myself here without self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn to caffeine as an automatic response toward lethargy. ‘Lethargy’ is synonymous with self-suppression and self-deception, and I see it for what it is, a means of becoming reacquainted with who I am, without a chemical dependency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without caffeine, all I can do is sleep. It’s such a waste of time to avoid self-responsibility through sleep. I face the construct of lethargy as a means of self-re-creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need caffeine to suppress depression. Depression is perpetuated by not facing myself. Instead of wasting time within/as my mind attempting to understand ‘depression,’ I stop existing in separation by perceiving it as some trivial concept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as existing within/as depression and judging it as something ‘pathetic.’ I stop all self-judgment and self-definition in/as the mind and embrace myself as I am in this physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to be ‘activated’ with caffeine. I don’t need to be activated by drug in order to exist in honesty toward myself, as one and equal to all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot overcome a perceived dependence on caffeine. I stop self-diminishment through self-doubt and self-delusion, and realize that self-direction is simpler than the complexity of maintaining a dependence and dealing with the outflows.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require the ‘leverage’ of caffeine in order to be physiologically ‘buoyant.’ I don’t require leverage over anyone, as I am beneath no one, as well as above no one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that I have allowed myself to be used by the mind/consciousness system. I stop my participation within/as this system that perpetuates competition and destruction, and I direct myself within/as self-deconstruction to re-create myself as I am from the starting point of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire energy and the control of it within/as myself to compensate for insecurity, and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as the mind as insecurity within/as my relationship to other human beings. There’s nothing to brace myself for within the context of the mind, and so I stand and direct myself as a physically manifest human being one and equal to all others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for taking this addiction to caffeine for granted, and embracing it within/as myself as a ‘typical human weakness,’ and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in/as a point of self-diminishment. I re-create and direct myself as I am, instead of existing in/as in the mind as inferior to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the state I would exist within/as without the use of caffeine, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loss of my will and ‘autonomy.’ Self-will doesn’t require a drug to be ‘activated.’ I direct myself without the quick fix of fake energy, which is useless for all practical intent and purpose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cultivate a personality under regular influence of caffeine, and within this I let go of addiction to personality and habits of self-perception that serve no practical purpose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive caffeine as something to help me to deal with the passage of time, as if it will enable me to maintain my youth, and within this I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to fear the deterioration of my body. My body is going to die anyway. I express and direct myself within/as my body in this physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fetishize my own fear of loss, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to masochism. My personality design is not who I am, and serves no practical purpose in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the mind possession of caffeine, as well as to the masochistic desire to be mind possessed by a chemical. I stop and let go of the fetish for self-destruction within/as the mind, and direct myself here in physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that ‘depression’ is my default setting. It is an addiction in itself, as far as serving as an excuse to avoid self-responsibility. My ‘default setting’ is here.



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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 20 Jul 2011, 04:10

Personality addiction and self-deceit

This is something I have spent a lot of time ‘living’ within my mind thinking about in very abstract terms. If there is a point within conversation where I can bring it up, it usually doesn’t last long because it’s a social taboo by definition. I admit that one of the reasons I went to college was to develop ‘social skills,’ and I learned about it in a way I wouldn’t have preferred, as college is probably among the worst places to learn such nonsense, especially if your major is in ‘art.’ Before this, I had worked for too long at a very monotonous, mechanical job running a machine in a packaging place, which I allowed to burn me out to a degree. So the transition from that environment to the campus was pretty awkward in the way that I allowed myself to perceive it at the time, and I was even suicidal at least three times. In retrospect, the reason for this is simply a matter of not taking the time to stop within myself to understand who and where I am.

As I became acquainted with people, I always found myself eventually caught in the pattern of acting out a character, and it would develop into a loop of humoring the other person as they would humor me as well, and around it goes as our inability to be honest with ourselves or each other caused us to become characters that exist perpetually in our minds and not reality. Somehow I found it easy to get attached to people or to a certain routine way of existing, yet eventually I always kept resorting to a masochistic kind of self-sabotage by allowing myself to react perpetually within myself in the form of internal dialogue to whatever the other person wants to project or reflect onto me, and ultimately I would spoil the whole illusion by my apparent inability to understand how the projection/reflection game works, regardless of all I had read on the subject. Burning bridges with people has become a very detached, nonchalant practice, like a mutual understanding that the mindfuck we were engaged while we knew each other was pointless while it lasted, but now the game is over. In other words, it wasn’t real but that doesn’t mean there weren’t consequences in some part of the world. It was just unfortunate that we couldn’t have just interacted like human beings.

Another side of this is social media, which I managed to avoid until only a little over a year ago. When I started a facebook account, I noticed the same pattern amongst acquaintances (as with myself) as they allow themselves to get stuck in the pattern of saying things to earn and maintain their ‘friends’ approval. It seemed so ridiculous that when we have such a medium available to us, that this is how people use it. I’ve even heard someone describe their facebook account as their ‘digital persona.’ It was soon after I began with facebook that I began to experience something like contempt as I allowed myself to judge most everyone I’ve ever been friends with, due to how they are so driven and compelled to bullshit each other day after day in order to maintain their precious social status, and therefore judging myself in relation to this as I would sometimes allow myself to participate. The ‘digital persona’ is an interesting way for humans to mindfuck each other indefinitely while they are detached from life, existing as their ‘digital persona,’ and perpetuating this roleplay indefinitely until they are dead. It’s such a perfect demonstration of how we will do anything to avoid facing ourselves and the consequences of our thoughts, words and action for the sake of maintaining an illusion.

Words can be a tool to either enable you to live inside your mind or liberate yourself from it, depending on your starting point. From my own experience, I recognize how I’ve allowed myself to fall into the same habit, and judging myself for it with self-hate toward my apparent weak-will of indulging in bullshit. This is why I have always been fine with spending so much time alone, because I wanted to avoid contracting myself with these ‘social diseases.’ However, it’s a persona worth sacrificing through the forgiveness of self-deceit, which includes the constant effort to maintain a worthless bullshit social status, so that when we’re awake and bold enough to face ourselves and see that we’re responsible for what a fuck-up this world is, we can finally let go of our complicity in this lie, since nobody needs to starve to death for this.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid speaking as myself instead of a preprogrammed persona. I speak from the starting point of common sense of what is in the best interest for all, without the attachment to a social status program in the mind, which is a waste of time and life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid speaking to others as who they are, instead of referring to them within my mind as preprogrammed personae. I let go of judgment and prejudice toward others as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent the experience of being ‘projected onto’ and ‘lied to.’ Whatever people want to project onto me, I simply speak as myself rather than playing along with games of mutual self-deception to satisfy another’s personality addiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others in order to be perceived or respected a certain way. I don’t need to project, reflect, or perpetuate anything that is a product of the mind’s effort to be regarded as charismatic or outstanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand the consequences of existing as a mind manifestation. I embrace the process of understanding without envy toward those who may understand it better than I do, and without frustration. I no longer allow myself to exist within/as reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep up a perpetual effort to ‘stand my ground’ as a preprogrammed persona, which is practically useless and a dishonor toward life. I refuse the internal dialogue of egotism and endless distraction, and I support myself here as a human being in physical reality.



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Lindsay
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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby Lindsay » 20 Jul 2011, 05:13

Words can be a tool to either enable you to live inside your mind or liberate yourself from it, depending on your starting point.
Absolutely Scott - we script ourselves with the words we think/write/speak/act, and through this we will enslave ourselves, or be the Living Word within the principle of what is Best for All.

Very cool writings and self-support here.

Time to take off the personality-masks and face ourselves as who we have allowed ourselves to be/become through constantly compromising ourselves, as this only accumulates diminishment, until we render ourselves completely irrelevant. We can all relate to this point, thus we must stop it in ourselves to stop it in this world - equal and one.

Thanks!



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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 21 Jul 2011, 21:38

Social persona addiction (continued…)

I have always allowed myself to be very insecure about my reaction to friends, family and acquaintances and their accumulative effect of molding me into a certain fixed persona. I knew that this reaction was entirely within/as me as my mind, yet I wasn’t aware of something like forgiveness at the time to release it. Regardless of my assuming that being conscious of it would be sufficient toward transcending the whole mindfuck, it seems like the more insecure I was about it, the more I seemed to allow it to affect me (as my mind).

The way it always works with a new acquaintance is that I take my experience of meeting them and the dialogue we shared and carry it around with me in/as my mind, run it through the filters of selective perception in my mind until it’s distorted and caricaturized so far beyond what it originally was (which was an interaction in a moment), however honest or self-deceitful it may have been. There is also the potential of trying to play out the same basic interaction over and over again with the same person, in some effort to achieve the original experience. This is sort of comparable to other things I’ve always done, like listening to the same bands over and over again, looking for inspiration, self-empowerment or energy high. So whenever I see the person, if I have been living in the mind as well, I will find myself ‘transformed’ as myself as the mind into a character, detached from reality. In this way we are co-creators of our personae, and this is what I’ve always secretly resented. I would experience myself turning into whatever collaborative persona that myself and another has created of me (and them) and just wish there was a way to destroy the whole fucking thing, so that we can all return here to reality.

In the social atmosphere or ‘open territory,’ there seems to be something about college and the relationships that it promotes, based on why the college exists and people’s starting point for going there. The starting point for myself as well as most all of the people I became acquainted with, is to strive to succeed within a system they take for granted to work a certain way, using the social ladders available. Again, I always resented this atmosphere, and everyday when I would walk into it I would find myself in constant reaction within/as my mind as disgust, judging people for their reasons for being there and so on. I would be especially judgmental of everyone with their cell phones out, indulging in text exchanges with friends. I would always react in disgust within myself to these people who cannot communicate with each other directly without bullshit, and judging myself as well because I have found myself caught up in the same act, though not necessarily with a cell phone.

On the other side of this, there is the person I create of myself when I am alone. I’ve always tried to make the best use of my mind as far as improving it to understand myself (whether in the context of the mind itself or otherwise) or this world I live in, and without knowing better there is always the tendency to end up defining myself according to the knowledge I try to absorb. Of course, I would allow myself to analyze relationships with other human beings and rehearse internal dialogues with them as well. So I found that being alone in/as the mind can be just as detrimental as being with another in/as the mind, because we are doing the same thing, the only difference being that when I am alone, it would be a ‘place’ where I can practice my self-deceit in such a way that nobody would interrupt me with their feedback. My mind would just invent their feedback anyway, so within the mind there is simply no escape and you can’t win. It’s taken me a long time to begin to understand this.

It’s too bad that we have allowed ourselves to be compelled to behave this way, since it was never necessary, but we have been so addicted to existing within our minds because it was apparently the only way we knew how to be. There’s a certain feeling we want to cop off each other through our pretentious interactions in these places. And we want to keep coming back to this feeling over and over, reinforcing it, feeding it, rehearsing it in our minds, gossiping about it, defending ourselves against any insecurities, projecting whatever we feel we must onto the other person in order to receive the respect we feel we deserve in turn, to preserve the persona that we want to be and project in order to feel secure about ourselves in the social atmosphere and whatever projected future we imagine ourselves venturing off into.

So as far as relationships I have preserved with old acquaintances, I’ve been looking at it as if we have been preserving these phantoms or ghosts of whoever the fuck we imagined ourselves to be in the context of a collapsing system in which we were supporting each other’s entrapment within/as the mind. Part of me in/as the mind has even been concerned what these people might think of me, seeing that I am forgiving myself of whoever the hell they imagined me to be in the context of their mental prison in collaboration with my mine. And this judgment within/as myself is a collaboration as well. If it means that some people I know will be uncomfortable when I speak from common sense without trepidation, so be it. This lifespan is too short to be a liar, and especially within this current system it is definitely not meant to last. Not to mention that when the system has collapsed, the whole imaginary mind-created persona designed to function within that system will no longer exist.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent what others project onto me within/as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a mind-created persona.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support others existing within/as their minds through conversation and body language.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as someone who supports mind-created personae.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others for the sake of cultivating these secret personae within/as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as myself as pretentious.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am superior to those who don’t understand how they are abusing and abdicating themselves within/as this system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as the mind as memories as the past, which isn't here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive others within/as the context of the mind as memories as the past, which isn't here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to an insecure state of mind that isn't here.

I no longer allow myself to speak to others to support self-deceit/abuse/abdication within/as them and/or me. I present myself as nothing other than what I am, here in this physical reality. I’m not what others want to project onto me as them, as others are not what I project onto them, as me. I see pretentiousness for what it is, and I neither judge it nor support it. I’m neither superior nor inferior to anyone who has designed themselves according to the current system, as I have done the same thing from the starting point of reaction in resentment toward it, but I simply stop. I embrace what I currently am in this process, and continue to direct myself here in this physical reality as who I am in support of all life, as me, equal and one.




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