fear within manipulation
http://scottcook.blogspot.com/2012/12/f ... ation.html
This is on the point of fear within hatred and manipulation, and how within a situation where we cannot achieve some relative external reward through consistent effort, the possession of frustration and aggression tends to be projected through some form of blame, prejudice or intolerance based on trivial distinctions that are prefabricated through media propaganda, family tradition, one’s general disposition, personality cult or self-religion.
Through the deflection of blame and anger of people amongst/against each other or oneself that might otherwise see a corrupt political/economic system as a reflection of oneself, then it only serves to support a system of mutual self-consumption. This general blame and frustration manifests through mind possessions such as, for example, scapegoating. Within the missing context that is never taught in school is how corruption, war and propaganda are a projection of each one to take responsibility. So in my case, here, has been my cynical reaction toward advertising, mind games, and the general fakeness that I have fixated on in my relationship to basically everything, particularly other people, mass media and, within this, myself.
The fear within this has been based on how I have allowed myself to be conditioned throughout my life, the initial resentment that goes with the expanded awareness of it, and the addiction to anxiety toward the ideas I have made in relation to the physical reality of this, and the tendency to remain cynical and vindictive in order to mask the anxiety, thus suppressing and limiting myself in expression due to energy and moments spent projecting and critiquing these ideas in separation from reality. Within this as well, the awareness of what I don’t know in comparison to others, thus regarding ‘the masses’ as a pet scapegoat to compensate for my own perceived incompetence based on self-responsibility as an elusive ideal standard rather than a moment to moment directive application.
Within this is the mental juxtaposition of my relationship with the world I have read about and seen in documentaries and the world that is in my immediate vicinity, as well as who I have seen myself as in retrospect, and how the experience of myself within this evolved through my capacity of awareness based on physical experience as well as physical reality represented through words or images to expose the greater context beyond familiarity, the experience of anxiety within this masked with whatever would seem to preserve the ideas of who I am.
The reaction within what is presented through information or documentaries that involve content that is often avoided or taken for granted when it makes us question who we are and what we’re doing has been a mix of resentment and contempt, along with some justification for the lifelong self-created experience of being out of place. While there’s been a desire for more human beings to develop more of an understanding of propaganda, for example, on some level I’ve almost required others to remain blind to these things because that has been necessary for the polarity to exist between ‘me’ and ‘them,’ which is a common thing within a lot of human beings who think of themselves as ‘I.’
There has been a lot of contempt within me toward the manipulative aspect of humanity, from the subtlest gestures to war propaganda and all ‘public relations’ in between, the reality that manipulation transpires on such a grand scale, the condescending forms this manipulation takes, as well as the complacence that seems evident when the manipulation has been accepted, internalized and embraced as consensus reality, how this tends to filter into virtually all relationships with other human beings, and the consequences that are too ‘visually offensive’ to be presented through the same forms of media.
The belief that I’ve held is that, between this relationship between ‘me’ and ‘them,’ there isn’t much I could say that would influence anything as that part of the ‘masses’ who actually have this information available via internet or whatever, as we are supposedly too far gone to even begin to admit to ourselves how we have been so indoctrinated, not just through public schooling and mass media, but through interpersonal relationships as well, where the myth of individual freedom to ‘say what’s on your mind’ takes the form of personality cults and general lack of interest or even intolerance toward anything beyond the periphery of habitual selective perception – which I can relate to myself, obviously, or else I might not be as internally reactive toward it.
In order to survive within this system, profits must be made, and slavery must be accepted/suppressed/ignored, so inevitably there will be manipulation on many levels, especially within how we tend to unconsciously market ourselves through the subtlest behavior. My mind’s fixation with these subtle behavioral cues has been one of the primary justifications for anxiety and avoidance, because it has been based on the general belief that human interaction is pretentious by its own ‘nature,’ and within this, I’ve perceived myself as pretentious in any attempt to be social, then hating myself for being addicted to a behavioral pattern that seemed virtually impossible to understand, so it has been convenient to project it outside myself from the point of stubborn isolation and avoidance, through the fixation on human mind manipulation as a private pet issue.
Aside from how this represents a world that I don’t want to live in, the consequences are as real and physical and real as war, famine and slave labor that is trivialized and suppressed through the nonsensical spin of mass media, and this is where it goes beyond my own internal reaction into a reality that I am mostly aware of through the presentation through documentary format, while the aspect that I have been habitually fixated on has been based on my interpretation of this info and how I have related it to myself in relationship to my environment that I have grown so familiar with to the point where I have constructed my own defense mechanisms of intolerance and prejudice as a means of separating myself from others, similar to how another person might form an intolerance toward someone else for being gay, black, Jewish, etc.
The apparent reason for this discrimination has been that people cannot agree on what the context is for their own shitty situation, whether that situation is physical, self-created/mental, or both. I can relate it to my experience with public schooling, where subjects were presented in isolation of each other, like a trunk full of jigsaw puzzle pieces dumped on the floor with no reference for what the ultimate image or context is that is supposed to be pieced together, yet the pieces are to be memorized in isolation or in certain forced-together configurations so that they can be recited on the exam in order to get a respectable grade that says that the student officially understands it, so we strive to accumulate the credibility to take with us into the delusional world of responsible adulthood as children in grown-up bodies. Yet, after all this, we would continue to argue and kill each other over the context behind how the puzzle fits together without necessarily looking into ourselves self-honestly to see the ultimate context, perhaps because of the belief in an external authority – television, holy doctrines, parents, teachers, celebrities – to explain to us what we apparently don’t know since we have abdicated our own responsibility.
While this prejudice wasn’t necessarily directly handed down to me through family tradition or disinformation, but rather cultivated along the way in reaction to the skepticism, cynicism, and pessimism of others that I perceived as simultaneously attractive and repulsive, the basic physical result is the same - where I have separated myself from those in my environment because of the pet issue that I have been churning in the mind which has been virtually and simultaneously addictive and intolerable. This apparent need for the scapegoat of mind manipulation in order to feel justified within existence brings into the question of who ‘I’ would be without it.
With the initial point of contempt toward manipulation, I’ve embedded this as a mask of internal conversation to suppress fear of being manipulated, controlled, or oppressed in some way. This is closely related to cultural embarrassment toward advertising and propaganda, for example, has basically been a muted projection so as to avoid looking at how I create the reaction that I had blamed on a hidden hand as well as consumerism in general, but without necessarily communicating it in any way.
The over-generalized idea that I’ve formed people in my environment reflects my own experience growing up, how I allowed it to influence me and how I had hated myself for it. Within this, something like mild paranoia set in of being in a world of programmable minds that seek to manipulate each other as themselves, putting one at risk of being at the mercy of another’s programmable belief system – and within this, feeling like there was something wrong with me and so creating and cultivating friction within myself as an over-compensating defense mechanism in relation to fear of not being in control of myself, as well as the fear of the loss of who I currently see myself as. There was the thought that I would rather die than continue to participate in this experience of there being no escape, despite the reality that people are relatively well off where I reside, but there is the perception that the illusions of the times will just become more and more condescending with each generation, so that people would become more and more predictable, and that my experience within this would thus be like residing in a mechanical, senile community where everyone subtly polices each other within a matrix of predictable personalities. All of this, while being aware that an extreme minority of human beings profit from such mechanical, clockwork mutual self-diminishment.
Therefore, the interpretation of a general sense of complacence has been like that of a long pregnant pause, or mind possessions waiting to break out in some form or another – and the unknown element of this is what I have been waiting for, in a sense, as a future projected scenario of anticipating a day where I will have to defend myself against ‘them,’ whoever they are, or supposedly perceive themselves to be, and whoever I perceive myself to be in relation to them, as I would perceive them to be. Within this scenario, I would then become a hermit and learn to live inside my car, assuming that I would have one, or I would just be conveniently locked in a cell somewhere. The point is that, in contemplating something like this, I would be only in my mind, cultivating masks and perhaps even in the process of manifesting something long those lines.
Aside from that, there was always a cognitive dissonance in me in relation to conspiracies and the ensuing interpretations, reactions, bandwagons, fearmongerings, arguments and so forth. While I’m not questioning whether grand-scale conspiracies exist, it’s as if my own apparent inability to process this information in such a way as to arrive at an emotionally heated conclusion like everyone else and declare some specific group of people to be the eternal enemy seems to be due to the problem I have had with taking a side in any prismatic conflict or crossfire of ‘opinions’ or at least perspectives hyped and charged up with media personality propaganda. In relation to this, I would define myself as a ‘nonentity’ or 'useless spectator' because, in seeing these endless arguments, I have had no specifically formulated opinion to interject – and in order to participate in this contest, one needs to have an opinion, apparently, without which one would supposedly be seen as or experience themselves as being ‘nobody,’ which describes, to an extent, the fear of abandoning belief systems.
One of the questions that comes out of that is what are the victims and oppressed supposed to do other than stand aside as their world is destroyed, and that’s been a part of what I’ve been carrying around in my mind in relation to this fear of manipulation and oppression with the mask of contempt over it, which I have been judgmental about as far as how this perception is derived largely from documentaries that I have seen only over the past couple years or so, because it has seemed to me so ‘secondhand.’ There was always this sardonic resentment that I nurtured toward advertising and corporatism as far back as being a teenager, though it was confined within the particular tunnel vision of that time, so the awareness of abuse that drives this machinery had yet to evolve to eventually be articulated in the context relative from a self-honest perspective.
In this case, it's a similar model of cognitive dissonance in relation to how abuse is masked over with false security, and although there are vivid recollections of the abuse, everyone behaves as though it didn't happen, and within this, feeling justified in hatred as a drug of the mind, to mask the anxiety as another drug of the mind, self-created in reaction to the awareness of how abuse is suppressed and that it would inevitably lead to further consequences unless it is put into words and exposed, at the very least.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what a practically useless waste of energy it is to fixate on the analysis of everything I hate for the sake of ‘loving to hate,’ as a primary self-definition and personality crutch, without which I supposedly might experience myself as dominated by my own paranoia in regards to being cornered by my own images of others with no means of escape (from myself).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid stopping to look into the point of fear within contempt when the mask of contempt seemed so empowering within its deadening aspect, like a toxic pesticide that I’d grown virtually dependent on while defining myself within this perceived vacuum of vindication which I had fixated on and devoted so much time and energy to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid stopping within the virtual habit of, and dependence on, contempt in order to see how I am only preserving myself within this useless self-definition while addicted to the self-hate that I would project onto anyone at a distance, without knowing anything about each one personally, simply defining each one according to what I have judged of people based on what I understand in relation to what I have heard.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on a future projected idea of being caught in a mechanical feedback loop of familiarity and inertia, wherein I would become senile, homeless, locked up or starved to death as consequences manifest and 'the world passes by.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the point of manipulation within the expression of other human beings, making scapegoats out of ‘them’ based on the belief in, and perception of, people as manipulators, wherein I suppress myself within the preservation of this self-definition in cynicism.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself form energetic reactions in relationship to images in this world based on the addiction to cynicism, sarcasm, contempt and disgust that I create within the mental act of speculation of other people’s intentions and the fixation on mental snapshots wherein I blind myself to physicality and practical self-direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in the mind as being on the ship of fools, where I’m judging and looking down on the characters and perceived self-images of individual people - images derived from my own precarious ideas of who I am - wondering on some level why or how they would allow themselves to be that particular character and what process of conditioning they allowed within themselves, while comparing myself in this momentary relationship with a ‘random person,’ within which I define and diminish myself in this reflection of my own construct of who I am as a random person, playing out whatever mental process seems appropriate to stand my ground in the midst of any perceived manipulative expression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a construct of paranoia within myself in relation to the idea of who I would be under the spell of manipulation, without seeing that, within this paranoia, I would already be manipulating myself within the perpetuated reactionary state of contempt and cynicism in order to mask the paranoia while wasting energy and constricting my own expression in the process.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here and out of the paranoid mindset of cynical speculation in order be receptive to the expression of another human being that I would have typically lumped into the projected category of 'human folly' that is the direct reflection of my own self-judgment and abdicated self-responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preserve the ideas and images of myself through the perpetual effort of guarding myself against my own manifested anxiety in proximity to other people, as if against a perceived physical threat that 'they' might pose which is the construct of my own prejudice and over-generalization of an image of a human being in a moment, all this based on a self-created context in relation to reactions to what I have read and heard and, thus, stored within my mind that I had used to construct the vacuum of vindication which I had already existed as within the context of being a victim in relation to others before I began to charge and perpetuate it within the context of documented information that goes beyond my own personal memory, character-cultivated tunnel vision, and physical life experience.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use the perspective that I have gained in order to reflect on myself instead of masochistically fixating on the reaction in order to build up a case against the image of a 'random human being,' when it’s through initially stopping the reaction that I begin to place the entire construct into words, as I had allowed it to possess and constrict my ability to express in every which way.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how, through the energy that is required to react to perceptions and ideas of other people as well as toward an environment composed of particular picture presentations, that I have only been abdicating self-responsibility through moments wasted in the mental activity of projecting what I fear within self-expression, thus virtually binding myself and everyone else that I physically see and mentally perceive as the ‘guilty until proven innocent’ or ‘desensitized spectator,’ becoming what I project instead of reflecting on who I have become in relation to physicality.
When and as I see myself in the moment of virtual dependence on a façade of contempt - even if kept to myself - to mask over and suppress the basic fear within the experience of being bound by an external source to an external state of manipulation and mechanical behavior, then superstitiously believing and perceiving myself in a process of internalizing this as if it were a physical poison, I stop within myself in the awareness that, within and as my reaction, as a mind-formulated poison in itself, I would only be reinforcing this habit of physical self-consumption, while systematized behavior would continue in the world, unaffected by my reaction whether it be internal or projected in some way with the intention to provoke, thus manipulate, as I have manipulated myself in reaction to the general fear of manipulation.
When and as I see myself in the physical mindset of contempt and disgust within fixating on the interpretation of consumer marketing and propaganda as cheap clichés, predictable tactics and strategies, I stop within the virtual inertia, fixation, and self-manipulative reaction-addiction that supports the relationship between the perceived ‘external’ manipulator and the conformist through the energy within and as the narcissistic/elitist/avoidant personality, seething with internal contempt without necessarily having a solution to the problem, achieving practically nothing beyond supporting the addiction to the entire relationship construct and perpetuating the consequences that were allegedly the starting point, or, in this case, justification to reinforce the habit of reaction.
When and as I see myself creating physical tension within myself as the self-conditioned response of contempt toward the sound, visual, or ambient projection of some form of mainstream cultural programming, advertising or propaganda, I stop myself within the awareness of physical self-consumption through energetic reaction as unnecessary and impractical as far as vaguely believing that whatever vindictive mental experience I could create within myself in relation toward manipulation would have any influence whatsoever through the effort to fight fire with fire as self-manipulation.
When and as I see myself substituting self-honest expression of what I see or experience within common sense for the pseudo-superior character projection of cynicism, I stop and ground myself in the physicality of ‘here’ within the awareness of how I have created and projected an enemy outside myself as a scapegoat for what I have avoided within myself. Within this form of Stockholm Syndrome, I would seek to identify with the design of elitism and superiority through the solace I would find as a multi-layered personality within the self-created experience of vindictive contempt as a default setting for who I am in relation to the ‘masses’ that reflect to me the self-diminishment that I have accepted and allowed.
When and as I see myself in the virtual default setting of avoidance within my relationship to the thought patterns and ideas that I have formed of human beings as a collective ignorant, trivial mind-space that I have projected outside of myself, I stop within myself in awareness that the ideas I have formed of human beings are quite loose and impractical interpretations of physical, flesh and blood human beings, that the violent, constrictive reaction within myself is me, and that the perceived anxiety and virtual inability to be anything other than a complementary character to every person that I see within a given environmental context reflects this very point of diminishing a human being to something as lifeless as a set of thoughts and ideas, within which I would diminish myself while seeking in vain to feel justified as this bitter character that supports manipulation through defining myself as against it.
When and as I see myself indulging in a paranoid mindset in relation to the ideas that I derive from what I physically see as human beings outside myself, categorizing them in my mind as a hypnotized and senile population of consumers and slaves, in relation to whom I experience myself as infinitely outnumbered by and at the whim of whatever ideas are injected into the mainstream to cultivate their perception through consensual self-diminishment and mutual mind-policing, I stop the self-consumption and wasting of energy within moments lost in the mind of judgment, reaction and unspoken vow of condemnation in order to put to words the things that are generally unpopular and avoided subjects, especially including that which I have most resisted, as the only way to approach ignorance is not through reaction, projection, or scapegoating, but through the confrontation of it within myself.
I commit to remaining aware of the tendency to fixate on a quantum-physical response of love-to hate when I allow it to initiate in relation to the sight of people or images that I perceive as charged with the intent to implant associations within me that I would otherwise avoid the ‘inconvenience’ of slowing down and stopping to look at within myself.
I commit to remaining alert aware of the tendency I have created to suppress and mask over fear of distrust and insincerity within myself with the energy of contempt in relation to, and in reaction toward, social programming and behavioral conditioning.
I commit to remaining aware of the tendency I have conditioned within myself of reinforcing my own insecure conditioned reactions to the conditioned behavior of other human beings, thus reinforcing this relationship and separation of ‘me’ from ‘them’ that I have allowed within myself to remained dependent on to support/inhibit my worldview/self-definition.
I commit to remaining aware of how the cynicism and judgment that I have projected onto collectivism, materialism, consumerism, patriotism, self-righteousness is a primary defense mechanism to suppress my own insecurity within the relationship between ‘who I want to be’ in juxtaposition to who I need others to be to support and defend this self-diminishment and limitation of expression.
I commit to remaining aware of the process of how I have conditioned myself to react toward the manipulative aspect of images, advertising, and propaganda, the difference between how I physically perceive this through my senses and how I react/interpret it through mind and body, and the consequential outflows of this quantum process.
I commit to remaining aware of how a quantum physical ‘reflex’ of superstitious paranoia is not something to immediately suppress and mask over with disgust, but is instead an obvious point to stop myself within unconditionally and without cynical judgment in order to see that, when there is a point to be made, then the indulgence of the reaction for the sake of maintaining some dimension of self-image is the self-manipulative effort of fighting for limitation.
I commit to remaining aware of the tendency to identify with the elitist delusion of superiority, however suppressed and clouded within the obfuscating layers of identity, as it reveals the avoidance of myself in my relationship to other people, as well as my participation in the subtle mind games through body language with people I have never met - such as turning my back to people to avoid the perceived ‘vacant stares’ - as this avoidance demonstrates the line of communication that I have mentally severed within myself, based on fear of senility, fear of becoming the image of my father, and general fear of the loss of identity.
I commit to remaining aware of how I have conditioned myself to believe in the vague idea of mentally blocking people in order to avoid and separate myself from them out of the fear of self-betrayal if I were to break the vow of being antisocial - the fear that, through participating in a dialogue with someone, I would become at the mercy of their associations within the experience of myself as a social persona, which is the reflection of my own judgment.
I commit to confronting the reflection of myself in other people unconditionally without judgment, pretense or fear of self-betrayal, through saying what needs to be said regardless of the virtual experience of losing some aspect of my avoidant identity and the fear of becoming ‘one of them’ as the fear of being the same underneath the social charade of polarities and possessions in which who I have programmed myself to be has been one more character presentation in separation from self as every other self, all in the same matrix.