Scott's Writing

Posts: 4354
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16

Re: Scott's Writing

Postby Marlen » 17 Apr 2012, 04:12

Fascinating how our ego thrives on silent power games, certainly keeping us well 'allocated' within our self-created pedestals one step higher than the rest. Cool to see how that which created such contempt within as the reacting to such symbolism, is reflecting back at you what you have done as yourself, as the evil eye - which is no different to any other judgmental application that we all have walked through and as with our own personal 'target-eye' through which we go spotting everyone, profiling, judging in an automated manner while never even pondering the possibility that maybe, all of this that I see as separate from me is in fact myself, and that all that I am in fact competing against is only my own delusional separation as a constant mindsplit in which we all have lived in. Now that the 'game is over,' what will be left is the realization of what stupid games we have played toward each other when seeing and realizing how much time we wasted of our lives and expression in formulating our own mind-mining games wherein we could always 'win' - even if it's the polarized way such as the 'antagonist' for example, "the villain" lol.

The 'evil-eye' has become our 'see-evil-eye-zation' wherein we fear each other, we compete against each other's capitalized idea of self almost in a 'quantum manner' just by looking at someone on the streets and immediately creating an assessment of 'where we stand in relation to another' - which falls within the categories of superior, inferior - territorial and terrified missing the point that this Terra is in Terror because of our own accepted and allowed participation with such extensive separation from what is here, as ourselves.

Thanks for sharing Scott, we definitely have to stop this unacceptable bullshit in this world.

Posts: 260
Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 18:27

Re: Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 02 Nov 2012, 14:18 ... ility.html

fear of vulnerability

vul’ ner a ble (adj.) 1, susceptible of being wounded, assaulted or conquered. 2, open to reproof. 3, not resistant to evil influence. (The New American Webster Handy College Dictionary, Fourth Edition)

There was a moment just where I was almost finished running when three young women were walking nearby. I've always been territorial in my mind about both the hours before dawn as well as the places where I go to spend them. The morning was somewhat warm, so I had my shirt off and it was strange to be seen by these girls, because I never really like to 'put myself on display' or even wear shorts, and being without a shirt outside has almost always been a point of vulnerability within my experience. What I allowed to go through my mind in the moment was like an entire analysis of how I was being interpreted, perceived, and judged by them, as well as being conscious of how the whole point of this activity/ritual that I’ve engaged in has been largely for the sake of taking advantage of this particular time of day as well as these quiet places where no one else visits, precisely in order to avoid things like this.

Several things factor into it, such as the judgment I’ve had against people who walk around in groups, while I seem to like to be alone everywhere I go, ready to criticize those in my mind for apparently being afraid to be alone, which may or may not be so. Agitation and annoyance stems from the conditioned perception of how people who have come together into a group mentality may tend to perceive a person who is alone. Within this is the point of not wanting to be a character in someone else’s perception, while knowing that there’s no way to avoid or escape participation in this, which I have defined within me as a major aspect social bondage, and there is a desire to blame them for this. The element of mystery within not knowing exactly what is going on in the minds of others in relation to ‘me’ or my idea of who I am and the entire webwork of insecurities that aren’t based on anything real, distracting myself in my mind with whatever prejudices I imagine others may have about me because we’re in the same human form and very much in the habit of diminishing each other for the sake of achieving a false sense of security in a fake hierarchy – the contempt toward this and even the perception of myself as superior to the construct, along with the desire to have nothing to do with it has fed into the reaction. The reaction would be even further justified in my head based on the specific memories of physical and mental abuse, including self-abuse, and the grudge or longing for vindication that could never be satisfied, while at the roots of all this seems to be the basic fear of vulnerability. Just as every ego has its own unwritten rules that every other ego is supposed to abide by, they seem to change form moment to moment based on circumstances and whatever is allowed in the mind, leading to a constant lifelong reactionary state based on nothing real.

So I consider being without reaction or judgment in relation to a situation like this at all, where the experience of myself is grounded within breathing instead of participating in the trivia that physical reality doesn’t require in order to sustain itself. It’s a reminder that as a physical body I am not to be confused with whatever context the image of it is supposedly placed into.

There is the tendency of judgments to come up in relation to body images, and although I might see them for what they are I realize that they are still within me as a distraction and separation from physical reality. An example of this is the image of a man that I saw in a grocery store who reminded me of my father because of his physique and how he moved. Because he was quite skinny and moved relatively slow, I drew the impression that he was an alcoholic due to my personal reference. Obviously, this may not have even been true, but I noticed that my perception of his particular body type and bone structure that I thought of as ‘skin and bones’ was what I have allowed myself to fear becoming in my life. I have had the tendency to perceive myself as this image of apparent weakness and vulnerability in spite of being six feet tall and two hundred pounds, and based on this I realize that it’s unlikely and impractical that I would ever achieve a state where I am ‘free’ of this fear of vulnerability if I were to continue suppressing this starting point of constantly striving to maintain and ‘improve upon’ my level of physical prowess that I could never be satisfied with, especially knowing that it does not last indefinitely as well as the fact of how such insecurity is programmed into every cell of myself as the body I’ve made into such a loaded image.

I’ve experienced vulnerability as something that I can’t overcome in the sort of ‘mind over matter’ context/suggestion that I picked up on when I was very young, defining it as synonymous with 'weakness.' It was important to not allow myself to be fucked with, like anyone growing up with some form of abuse, along with the entire combination of insecurities that would become more and more convoluted and trivial with time. While the point of vulnerability was something I was easily conscious of and wishing that I could somehow avoid it through going into my mind and finagling with the tunnel vision in order to make myself feel somewhat empowered, I was obviously aware that there was no such thing as invulnerability. But the point of not being fucked with was most important, and so much of what I constructed as the ‘force field’ or whatever else I describe it as in the moment has been devoted to this context, instead of being honest with myself about it and considering a practical approach to this entire generalized fear of vulnerability, or rather fear of who and what I am in this existence. Within that, the ‘reality’ of being fucked with has taken place primarily within my own mind, never really carrying over into physical threat, yet that seems to be what I’ve wanted on some level, as if it would somehow render the ‘mental’ threat obsolete.

This reflects my relationship to/with ‘society’ and how I’ve spent so much time analyzing and judging other people for being predictable or stereotypical – thus creating this expectation within myself toward who others are. Much of this has been based on how I’ve judged myself as predictable and rigid within my own habits, as a creature of habit that can be thrown off balance by some outside force that is more spontaneous. ‘Off balance’ mostly implies having the perceived ‘stability’ of my ego characters thrown out of whack through some physical or mental event that is supposed to transpire any moment now. In relation to this is the fear of anyone knowing me too closely, or a general fear of self-intimacy in terms of being open to communication with another as myself, and this is based on the hesitation to face within myself what I’ve judged and projected onto others in the form of contempt and seeking vindication for the self-created experience of being one amongst many has been within my mind.

Facing it within myself would imply stopping in the midst of the identity reinforcing patterns and the aspects of this that I have become addicted to and fell into the habit of acting out mechanically, and these patterns have included ‘mundane’ details of the clothes I wear, how I eat, how I present myself, how I talk, and especially the point of how I’ve made a habit of being limber, flexible, balanced and strong as possible at all times, so much of my interaction with other people would be from this self-created experience of myself as my body. This has been based on lack of trust in my communicative capacity, which is something that has fascinated me when I am talking to someone and words flow in a way I never expect of myself, yet it’s what I’ve conditioned myself to be pessimistic about, so physical presentation was meant to compensate for this.

The other end of this polarity has been the moments where I am stiff, sore, tired and somehow ‘not presentable,’ i.e. ‘vulnerable’ because the mask is not properly in place on the skull. What I’ve perceived as the ultimate externalized and self-separated example of this has been the moments where I have seen others, or my father, lying in some incapacitated form in a hospital bed, or in a state of extreme drunkenness, and I’ve had several experiences of being in such a state. It’s not surprising to say that when I’ve had these experiences, the idea and memory of it was always a complete exaggeration of the reality of what it was in the moment, and it is these ideas and memories that have fueled this fear of being ‘exposed’ or ‘vulnerable.’

The worst case scenario that I have imagined has been that of being under the scrutiny of others while in a compromised position. This is related to how we are all supposed to behave like we are such masters of our own world when we are out in public, because nobody wants to be exposed as a fool or as being full of shit. It’s always ‘them, not me,’ so the misfortunes of others become a reinforcement to the public persona that ‘I’m still okay,’ so my reputation hasn’t completely fallen through yet, and a reputation can be something built up over a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, or an entire lifetime – in relation to perceived microcosms, time, space and personae, all for the sake of surviving physically or ‘otherwise.’ This is part of why I have walked fast in public, taking advantage of my long legs by taking long steps as if to outrun any scrutiny, and within this has been the impulse to avoid primarily myself. The relationship I’ve had to and as society has been this projected contempt wherein I’ve believed that if I stop for too long, the reaction to my environment will settle in and I will somehow become ‘assimilated’ by everything that I’ve reacted to and judged as bullshit, even if, at the level of common sense, it was. But then again, so was I for separating myself from what I’ve perceived and never stopping within the reaction.

Behind stoicism and the mental process of psyching myself up to face myself in public, ever-ready to face an attack from my reflection, there has been a general fear of the future, which will be a separate topic even though it’s intertwined with this one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a mind state of vulnerability that I created within myself, where I would supposedly be open or susceptible to manipulation, humiliation, degradation – any state of mind beyond actual physical threat that I would interpret as somehow destructive to my character(s) or ego. Within seeing these characters for what they are, and the defense mechanisms that prop them up as they are continuously cultivated and maintained diligently – as if there are specific strengths and weaknesses that I must always be aware of in order to properly stand my ground as who I believe myself to be in the virtual playing field or hierarchy of human egos, where letting myself go would be like submitting to the mercy of others ego separate of mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cultivate a state of paranoia through the generalizing of others as casting judgment based on the same culturally conditioned criteria that means absolutely nothing in the face of reality, instead of grounding myself in physical reality in the self-awareness of breathing, as who I am is physicality that requires energy to manipulate, and since this energy would deplete who I am as life, manipulation of physicality based on fear is absolute self-diminishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming the image and likeness of my father, visually and experientially, based on my own reference to how I have experienced myself in my relationship to him, taking the memory of him as the image of an abuser that I strive to overcome through self abuse and participating in the distraction from reality by the image I have made myself as my body into, where self-maintenance leads into obsession, i.e., distraction, separation, self-diminishment, self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cultivate and maintain an addiction to the experience of physical prowess and energy based on the belief that this approach to an idea of strength is somehow sustainable, while using and wasting this time as a means to preoccupy myself within moments where I could be directing myself, not from the starting point of fear and willful ignorance, but from that of being honest with myself and no longer avoiding the self-intimacy that leads to the death of delusions and addictions to the energy of maintaining such avoidance in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for the automated behavior that is a consequence of having cultivated an addiction to the experience of physical energy, mistaking this for ‘relative freedom’ or the idea of being as free as possible in a system of limitation, within the desire to be ‘strong’ as opposed to ‘weak’ without stopping in the patterns to fully understand what an exercise in futility and uselessness this is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain an experience of ‘youth’ as if to demonstrate and seek vindication toward the idea of a society of people that I’ve separated from myself through the reaction and experience of contempt in relation to how I have judged the behavior of others as stereotypical, brainwashed, sado-masochistic, or abusive, which has been the projection of blame to ignore my own contribution to the co-creation of a pointless and unsustainable system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain myself as a body based on the starting point of fear of falling into the current societal norm of how people have seemed to disregard their bodies as well as physical reality in general, while avoiding my own points of ignorance such as how I have abused my body for the sake of maintaining an idea and experience of relative ‘sovereignty’ or self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my perception of my body as simply fragile, as in the context of being vulnerable and easily injured/broken/killed, while allowing this perception to overshadow and underlie my interaction and relationship with other human beings, instead of understanding my relationship with my body as in the same context as all other bodies (self-) abused on multiple levels, and realizing that in order to stop the separation between the self and the body it is a process of deconstructing the illusions in the mind toward this physicality and how the body is a living organism rather than an image to be vain, defensive, narcissistic, comparative and judgmental about, or cultivating as a machine based on the belief that life can be nothing more than a game of survival of images and characters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ‘assimilated’ into a society or microcosm that I have judged and categorized people in my mind according to, believing that I must outrun any scrutiny before I find myself reacting to it, when I have programmed my body to react to it in this very behavior of sequestering myself from it in my mind, and projecting this onto ‘no one in particular’ that is the reflection of me that I have suppressed and remained in avoidance of, instead of seeing the fear of vulnerability for what it is and allowing direct and open communication within and as myself as everyone else I have literally avoided like the plague, instead of stopping completely within these reactions in order to interact with others as myself, realizing that we’ve all participated in various forms of abuse through participation in this system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in reaction based on the memories of moments where I was abused, manipulated, or fucked with in some trivial form or another, instead of stopping within the reaction to see that I am doing nothing other than cultivating the characters within my mind in order to further suppress, limit and diminish myself within the mistaken belief that I am somehow strengthening and bolstering myself from these people with whom the relationship was only one of basic mindfucking and fixation on self-deceptive trivia, accomplishing nothing except wallowing in memories based on events in time and space, exaggerating them out of proportion to physical reality within the addiction to tunnel vision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid myself by moving at a pace in which I become automatic according to the starting point of avoidance and fear of self-intimacy or ‘vulnerability,’ where I would leave myself open to imaginary ‘attacks’ against nothing that exists as me other than what I have allowed to exist as who I have believed myself to be as a multiplicity of characters, instead of realizing that what I have invested in as a multidimensional character composite has been ultimately useless and can serve no other purpose other than as basic physical survival in the current system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my body might turn against me for my failure to cooperate with the physical world, out of ignorance or spiteful self-abuse, instead of seeing this particular fear as the ignorant self-abuse that it is, and that to allow oneself to be preoccupied with fear is in itself a failure to cooperate with self as physicality, and that the atrophy of the physical body through age is the inevitable response to the mind’s energetic consumption of it, thus self-awareness as breathing is the solution to such fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and seek some tacit form of ‘respect’ within the cultivated presentation of myself as my body as the polar opposite to what I have scrutinized, analyzed and judged within other people, instead of realizing that such respect is practically useless and nothing more than an energetic preoccupation, self-consuming preoccupation of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear projecting myself as a ‘fool,’ being exposed as a fool, or having the foolishness projected onto me, which would mean having the characters that I have cultivated and invested so much time and energy in would be rendered ‘invalid,’ as if they were ever valid to begin with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I would experience reality and physicality without what I have cultivated and perceived as the psychological ‘leverage’ of mental and physical energy that I have coasted on without stopping in order to avoid facing myself within an experience of ‘depression’ that I would have created myself, instead of seeing that the experience is irrelevant to life and that self-direction within the awareness of who I am as a breathing human body isn’t dependent on the mind experience for anything other than for the sake of interaction with physicality.

When and as I see myself approaching physical activity from the fear-based starting point of preparing myself for some future projected experience, I stop within the awareness that this insecurity is primarily rooted in the mind experience where what I seek to preserve is the ideas that I have of who I am, which can’t be substituted for self-honesty/intimacy or open, direct communication. I commit to awareness of who I am within physical movement from the starting point of maintaining myself as my body without allowing for fear based indulgence.

When and as I see myself in automatic, mechanical physical/mind movement based on the fear of stopping and wallowing in inertia and the idea of ‘weakness,’ where I would be what I have judged in others and myself as ‘pitiful,’ I stop within the realization that moving with anxiety as the impetus is not self-direction and isn’t effective. I commit to directing myself physically within the awareness of who I am within and as a breathing body.

When and as I see myself following through with mechanical physical movement from the insecurity-based starting point of burrowing a place for myself in an invisible hierarchy of trivia, I stop within the awareness of who I am as a physical being, not to be mistaken for the relationships of ideas and memories of myself or the ideas and memories I’ve created of others for which I have imagined myself to deserve vindication toward based on moments of abuse by which I have defined myself and others, allowing the memories of these moments to become the ‘inspiration’ (self-suppression, self-abuse, insecurity) that I imprinted into my physical body for physical movement. I commit to directing myself without constantly imagining and projecting who I have believed I must be in relation to these ideas and memories of the behavior of others that I have programmed and cultivated within myself over the course of a lifetime, based on moments that I had considered fleeting, yet defined myself according to in meticulous detail which I deconstruct here..

When and as I see myself separating myself through the diminishment of them as myself for the experience of gratification and vindication, I stop within the awareness of who I am as a breathing body amongst others, each body a composite of cells organized into flesh and bones with the faces on top that I have allowed myself to be distracted by, instead of realizing that this is the presentation which we have to interact through and as. I commit to self-movement without the self-created distraction of what I have made up in my mind as the experience of who ‘others’ are supposed to be within any cultural context, especially the one that I grew up in.

When and as I see myself fixated on this point of mortality, fragility and vulnerability, I stop within the awareness of who I am within and as a breathing body as the context in which ‘vulnerability’ is placed, not as an experience but within the understanding that there are basic necessities that each body requires to live. I commit to the support of a system that supports all bodies unconditionally, as to the support of myself, not out of insecurity and obsession, but within common sense.

When and as I see myself attempting to outrun my own self-judgment, however projected or reflected, I stop within the awareness of who I have been as an automated persona constantly guarding itself against itself as nothing or whatever imaginary ‘interruption’ or ‘inquisition’ would disturb the ideas that I have created of myself in relation to the ideas I have cultivated and formed of ‘others,’ as this is the nothingness of vulnerability that I’ve remained in avoidance of. I commit to remaining open to others as myself while exposing self-abuse within the tendency to avoid myself as essentially the same as everyone else.

When and as I see myself in moments of reaction within myself in relation to other people, ‘culture’ or whatever else I have used as a catalyst in order to continue to exist in separation for the sake of false security, I stop within the awareness of how have isolated and diminished myself through this self deception that has been my participation in the status quo or ‘the way it’s always been.’ I commit to see other people as they are without allowing myself to indulge in the habit of perceiving them through the filters that I’ve cultivated and interwoven with the layers of how I have defined myself instead of being directly honest with myself within this relationship between myself and ‘other people,’ however we present ourselves in the moment.

When and as I see myself going fast from the starting point of avoiding literally nothing other than what I have cultivated in my mind as self-judgment based on the interpretation I have made of my relationship to others and how we present ourselves, I stop within the awareness of who I am within this interactivity and relationship, as physical human beings participating in the same self-deceptive system. I commit to slowing down from one moment to the next, not as a point of reinforcing a false sense of security, but as a point of remaining open to communication within and as myself and other people as physical beings in time and space, not to be confused with the self-diminishing prejudices I have cultivated throughout the course of my life.

When and as I see myself projecting into an imagined future in my mind, I stop within the awareness of how I have been separating myself from myself through this means of self-distracted insecurity instead of remaining grounded and here within the reality of who I am within and as a breathing body in this world. I commit to aligning and grounding myself in the physicality of who and what I am and directing myself out from self-created experiences in the moment through the point of breathing.

When and as I see myself in the mind, analyzing the degree of respect that I perceive myself to be receiving, I stop within the awareness that the experience and gratification of the design of respect is useless in terms of physicality, especially in the context of the current lack of dignified ‘living’ in this world. I commit to remaining grounded within the physicality of who and what I am with no practical use for respect, open to communication with no self-images to hide.

When and as I see myself in the mind concerned with how I tend to project myself, even seeking to control this through deliberate self-manipulation/deception, I stop within the awareness of who I am within the pointless game of projection and reflection that leads only to self-suppression. I commit myself to self-honest expression from one moment to the next without concern for the false security of useless self-images or the pretentiousness of social status or reputation.

When and as I see myself in the mind contemplating the future possibilities of the condition of my physical body and my experience of the world within and as it, I stop within the awareness that I am here and breathing, not to be confused with the experience that I have been imagining, which is primarily a point of self-abuse, thus making myself useless through entertaining imaginary scenarios in the mind. I commit to re-directing and grounding myself in the moments where I notice myself indulging in, fixating and projecting a future that I churn up the energy within myself to control through self-manipulation instead of breathing and directing myself in physical time and space.

Posts: 260
Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 18:27

Re: Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 02 Nov 2012, 14:20 ... uture.html

fear of the future

Future (fu’ cher) adj. 1, yet to come or happen. 2, relating to later time. – n. 1, times to come. 2, prospects. (The New American Webster Handy College Dictionary: Fourth Edition)

I am not in a situation where the people I 'know' are constantly and steadily dying off through violence or disease. There are endless stories with more than enough emotional charge to them, which seems to be an integral part of the violence and disease and how it perpetuates within this relationship toward death itself. I have related to this ‘charge’ through my own experience of believing that I was deserving of vindication for the abuse that’s been directed to me, even for the abuse I’ve inflicted on myself, and also for those in my experience that have died wherein my reaction within myself was to silently blame and hold the world accountable for nothing other than the unresolved point of death itself, within and as myself, and my reaction to this, which would become this energetic circuit that only lasts so long before the thoughts, memories and reactions toward the experience of death sort of sink into the subconscious through this process of reactive self-suppression that I allowed to occur because I couldn’t seem to understand how to approach it within myself, and it would become embedded and crystallized within the layers of self-definition.

So, in spite of the lack of violence, death comes around to ‘my neighborhood’ as well in some form or another, not just for people over 70 years old dying from cancer, but for people my age and younger, through alcohol-related accidents, drug overdoses, the occasional murder or suicide and so on. This response of detachment is in relation to this experience of death within which I haven't really 'mourned the loss' of anyone since I was in first or second grade, yet what I have to practically work with is here as who this ‘I’ is that I have perceived and even believed myself to be, as ‘real’ as human characters can be in this fake money system, and how I have allowed myself to be conditioned from as far back as I can remember, and even further.

I’ve been told that a family member was found dead today, though it was someone I haven’t seen in over a decade. There seems to be a delayed reaction within me, because the initial reaction toward hearing that ‘so and so died today’ is usually ‘oh.’ Then it becomes something to analyze in an mode of abstraction in my mind, which I would almost ‘appreciate,’ if that’s the best word, from the perspective of how it might enable me to get out of my usual mindset, just as I would appreciate how it enables everyone else to get out their characters as well, to some extent. I’ve never been concerned with whether this way of looking at it means that I am somehow a ‘horrible person,’ because for the most part I haven’t felt the kind of connections toward other people that are supposedly ‘normal social bonds,’ which I’ve created resistance toward within myself as separation based on past experiences of forming such 'bonds' with people and then experiencing betrayal, withdrawal, etc., based on the level of mind energy I devoted to the experience. While in my mind I’ve created an impatient character toward those, particularly members of my family, who become sorrowful or ‘shocked’ when someone that ‘we know’ dies, I have been that way with 'my cats,' with whom I’ve created a kind of relationship in my mind as a substitute for the lack of interpersonal communication with others (humans), and one of whom seems to be currently in the process of dying. To an extent it’s also based on the belief that I could never relate to human beings the way I project and anthropomorphize animals and ‘my cats’ specifically, as the ideas I’ve made of what these relationships are have been of the mind, as layers of conditioning and self-definition.

Death, as well as the relationship I have created in my mind of death, seems to be a cornerstone of this fear of the future. Not simply for physical death, but for the death of ideas and definitions that I have created to avoid the dreadful self-experience of ‘vulnerability,’ where I am without the false security mechanisms that were never required to simply remain breathing.


Walking into a funeral home became a typical self-created experience because of the crowd that I wasn’t quite 'expecting.' The experience of anxiety that I had created was in relation to this primed and future-projected mindset of having to interact with others in the context of this being that died unexpectedly last week. Reasons for wanting to go include the fact that I haven’t been to a funeral since my father died eleven years ago this month. Before that, my experience with funerals had involved developing a case of the giggles invariably at some point. That was one of my primary fears with this, being unable to control myself when such a reaction ‘ignites,’ because past experience has somewhat ‘proven’ that it can be hard to stop. So that reaction didn’t come up within me this time, as when I walked in I found that the stoic character came up and I didn’t know or see in point of trying to stop it so I just carried it around with me. Part of the acceptance and justification of it was based on the thoughts in relation to all the people in the crowd who are family members or acquaintances who would inevitably see me and want to interact, when I had made it my ‘mission’ to see this person’s dressed-up body in the casket, so I didn’t want to commiserate with others or put on a social mask, and for the most part I did not.

The memory aspect of my relationship with this person isn’t something that I necessarily ‘miss,’ especially since I haven’t seen him in over ten years. Yet it’s fucked up in that he was about ten years younger than I am and there are pictures of me holding him when he was an infant, and I have vivid memories of hanging out with him when we were both ‘growing up’ in our respective ‘age groups.’ As he grew older I have only heard that he was involved in some ‘delinquent acts,’ whatever they were, and the last time I saw him we didn’t really interact, but I noticed that he had a deep voice already. I say ‘already’ because it became a moment that I would probe at and analyze in my mind on an abstract level, as if trying to understand ‘who I am’ as a multi-layered persona in terms of how I had changed in relation to how he had changed, because I have been in the habit of doing this a lot throughout the course of my life. There were always the basic unarticulated questions in that, such as ‘who are we’ and ‘what are we doing here,’ which I had never really taken the time to define and clarify for myself by physically writing it down by that stage. I had tried keeping a journal on several occasions but couldn’t seem to follow through, in part because I hated the way that I write, which has been something I continue to follow through with currently in spite of the same reaction.

One point that I would have almost been ashamed to admit in the context of how it would be ‘inappropriate’ to openly and unconditionally share certain perspectives, is that there has always been something like an odd numbness within me whenever someone I know has died - at least after a classmate died in first grade, and it was an experience of ‘emptiness’ or sense of withdrawal that I had never allowed before - and it almost seems masochistic in the same ‘vein’ of self-mutilation or diminishment on any other level as far as the state of mind within it. Yet I’ve always felt sort of glad about being able to explain to another than I’ve mourned the loss of cats more often than humans, as if to imply that I’m somehow more cat than human, reinforcing the separation and justification for being uncommunicative.

This death coincides in my experience with the fact that the cat I’ve had with me for the past twenty years seems ready to die any moment now, so it will come as no surprise when she actually does. It’s sort of impressive that she has lived as long as she has, even though my other cats have lived to be 19. So considering the experience of ‘loss’ I created with respect to the others, I’ve been through it already and see that there’s no point in re-creating it, at least to the extent that I have. Each ‘loss’ was something that I used as a point to assess who I believed myself to be in the process of developing as in terms of character, just as with every other acquaintance, and currently I’ve been looking at this from the perspective of how people I know will be dying off one by one, which in the past I would have interpreted as an experience of it being ‘all downhill from here’ on one hand and a sense of ‘release’ on the other as far as each death supposedly representing a part of the multi-layered character that I’ve hated on some level decomposing within and as myself, yet the point is that I have almost been waiting on death to come and facilitate this process for me in a way, as if I were too incompetent to do it without waiting for such a reaction within myself, created in response to some ‘separate event.’ Much of the experience of self-hate in the past has been based on this awareness of how I have betrayed myself within the cultivation of these social masks, and from that perspective, the long-term experience of depression or melancholy was deliberately self-created from the beginning, as if to willfully deconstruct those masks or root them out before they evolved into something else, which they did anyway because it I was never ‘here,’ as it had remained within the perceptual context of it being a nebulous unarticulated cloud in my mind that I had never physically written it out.

Much of the anxiety in relation to the future has been based on this relationship with the characters that I have created of myself that I never wanted to be, and I noticed that to be in common with the person whose funeral I went to. It wasn’t numbness that I experienced, but more of a heightened awareness in the moment of who I am in relation to my family that I’ve wanted nothing to do with for most of my life, unless it was somehow convenient. The experience of this awareness is to be noted rather than something to cling to or attempt to re-enact in my mind, of course. But I saw myself and everyone a bit more clearly as human beings that have supported each other as characters to whatever extent, and it seemed to be forgiven in a way since the death of someone so young seems to be what it takes. The only lingering judgment within me was in reaction to the other’s reactions, since the way we seem to mourn in this culture, and the way I’ve mourned my cats in the past, has been due to taking each moment for granted and only trying to look at those moments in retrospect in the context of nostalgia and sentimentality. That was one of the things I wanted to dismantle within myself throughout my life through self-mutilation and all self-created experiences, and it has factored deeply into the point of non-communication, believing that it’s such a fundamental point of separation between ‘me and them.’ Now it seems like I’ve walked through all that up to a point, although that point depends on whatever comes up in the moment that needs to be communicated.

Future-projected anxiety has been a self-defining point of imagining a worst-case scenario without much of an intention to practically do anything about it. This entire set of ideas has been embedded within the context of a future that I would perceive as greater than myself in spite of being the one imagining it. Much of it has been inspired, for example, media sound-bites relating to the progress of the constant economic downward spiral, seeing the misfortunes of others and believing that ‘I’m next.’

This is based on the context of how I have conditioned myself as a character within my own customized tunnel vision. I have fixated on the dimension of it as a game where no one really wins except in the secrecy of their mind depending on their particular definition of ‘success.’ Within the closest thing I have had to an ‘enterprise’ or something I can sell in this world as my participation in this system, the logistics toward which I have created the reaction and relationship of impatience and pessimism through time and disillusion are what I have based the self-definition of inferiority on by perceiving such logistics as an impossible, insoluble barrier.

Within this kind of cynicism and defeatism, recent years seem to have been devoted to physical self-maintenance, more like self-distraction and defense mechanism, as if in order to create an experience of self-respect while having lost much of the interest in what I have invested so much time in from the time I decided to immerse myself in the idea of myself as an ‘artist,’ with the intention to develop myself within the set of ideas and images related to this as if to become worthy of the current system – to eventually get to a point, ten years later, of beginning to piece together some concept of the orientation of this world system and who I have assumed myself to be within it, what I have accepted and allowed without seeing who I am within any of the decisions that I have made. So the indulgence in defeatism has been based primarily on the point of regret in relation to not understanding what I was doing within uninformed decisions cast out of a state of reckless optimism based on the premise that I have nothing to lose.

Looking in retrospect with a lot of the same basic vindictive judgment I have reserved for others throughout the years as going nowhere on a stationary treadmill while projecting otherwise, all within the belief that I don’t know what questions to ask or where to begin, justifying the insecurities within the maintenance of self-image, abdicating self-responsibility within apparently not knowing how to define it in terms of who I am - only looking at my participation in the world in terms of tunnel vision human relationships, fantasy and imagination, developing layer upon layer of self-definition that seems to calcify or crystallize with time.

Within all this are behavioral/thought patterns including silently and sardonically judging ‘them’ in terms of being blind based on my own selective perception. I have kept myself separated within how to face such a future with these other people in the belief that, without the current system to keep them in order, they would become possessed and therefore unpredictable. There has also been a paranoid concept in my mind of being taken away to some secretive location and locked up and abused. This has been the content of a lot of internal conversation and self-diminishment, and obviously these judgments reflect and reinforce one’s own level of insecurity.

Anxiety toward this projected future has been an indulgence, with the ‘reward’ being the melancholic state of mind that is like a drug of self-definition. The belief has been that I need to remain in such a mental state so that if the worst-case scenario manifests, whatever it might entail, I won’t ‘fall’ from any mental heights or from the states of mind that I have interpreted so many other people to be in. The judgment of this has been my justification for keeping a distance from everyone because, if the charade were to collapse, ‘I don’t know what their capable of,’ and ‘I can only defend myself against them.’ As if to brace myself for this, I have deliberately kept myself in a state of unease, afraid to allow myself to become too comfortable or to sleep too deeply lest someone prowls into my home. This kind of projection seems to have been like a counterweight against the fear of blind complacence within myself, or supposedly becoming like what I have judged and projected onto other people in the mind, instead of seeing human beings and situations as they are. At the physical level, I have allowed myself to remain mostly oblivious while indulging in mental patterns such as imagining the worst in terms of human beings as well as the future experience of myself within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety toward the future as future-projected thoughts that I would indulge in my mind, instead of realizing how I have already spent so much time and energy going through such patterns in the past rather than directing myself physically and practically in time and space.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety toward time wherein the patterns I create would include the experience of futility and inertia due to not allowing myself to stop in the midst of the perceived and imagined quagmire or stagnancy, whereas when I direct myself to stop I can dissect the pattern and follow through with the correction in order to reorient myself physically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety in relation to future-projected thoughts of being ‘victimized’ within society, when through this self-created experience I victimize, diminish and abuse myself at the physical level, instead of allowing myself the patience to understand who I am within the polarity relationship of abuser and victim in order to stop the relationship within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety toward the future projected thought of changing for the worse with time through supposedly not knowing or being able to figure out how to be effective with time, instead of using time to correct this anxiety in order to align and direct myself physically without the self-abuse of indulging in the uselessness of anxiety that I have used to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety in relation to how I have allowed myself to project thoughts of being unprepared for the future, allowing myself to be directed by the mental energy of perceiving myself as a ‘sitting duck’ in the midst of an unstable system as well as general uncertainty and the unknown, instead of directing myself within awareness of self-responsibility to be the point of support that I have been indoctrinated to being dependent, which has been the system of corruption ‘within and without’ that has led to all dead ends of false-security-seeking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have squandered my time existing in the mind as thoughts of reaction, insecurity, false security, contempt, vindication and fixation, without realizing how I have been participating in the status quo of self-abuse, instead of understanding that within all this mind distraction my body has remained as heartbeat and breath, at the mercy of what I have inflicted on it as the merry-go-round of useless thought patterns that lead to nowhere, when I could be directing myself to cultivate the points of sustainability and constructivity which are the definition of self-movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety in relation to the time I have spent in my mind contemplating a potential future of being senile or mentally incapacitated in some form, instead of seeing how through dwelling on this future projection I would be blindly manifesting it into some relative form into how I experience myself in this physical reality through selective attention or tunnel vision, rather than remaining grounded within physicality as the ‘ground’ within and as which to move physically instead of remaining useless in the inertia of self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in the experience of anxiety in relation to change as the future projected thoughts of losing all ‘connections,’ as I have defined other human beings as those I have established some form of trust or dependence on, where the ‘loss’ of them would mean being in the ‘deep water’ of total self-responsibility and sustainability, wherein I would experience a psychological ‘death’ of myself as the characters that have been on ‘life’-support as mutually supported delusions, so as to follow through with the process of alignment with physicality in order to realize who I am as the very point of support that I would have wanted for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety in reaction to the vague ideas I’ve formed of ‘vulnerability’ which I have been in the process of articulating and communicating with myself, which would involve the deconstruction of every aspect of my experience and definition of myself as well as the deconstruction of the illusions and definitions that I’ve allowed to form within and as myself as the props that have kept this pseudo-self intact, while supporting and sustaining myself is something that I have been born into the disposition of being able to continue despite the ‘worst-case scenario’ that I have indulged in within and as my mind in separation of physicality, through which I have created specific automated patterns based on the addiction that I’ve formed toward the ‘security’ of anxiety as a drug of the mind, instead of stopping within each experience as I recognize myself in the moment of self-definition so as to follow through with what needs to be communicated or accomplished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety in relation to the ideas and images I have cultivated in my mind of what the future may look like, how I would experience myself within it, how I would survive, sustain, and direct myself within it, what my relationships would be like, the extent of abuse, withdrawal from familiarity – instead of remaining grounded within the physicality of who I am within all this, and realizing myself as the point of support to remain standing in an unstable system that is in the process of falling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety in relation to the time spent in my mind contemplating a potential future of being senile or incapacitated in some form, instead of seeing how through dwelling on this future projection I would be blindly manifesting it into some relative form based on how I experience myself in physicality through selective attention or tunnel vision, rather than remaining grounded within physicality as the ‘ground’ within and as which to move physically instead of remaining useless in the inertia of self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in the experience of anxiety in relation to change as the future projected thoughts of losing all ‘connections,’ as I have defined other human beings as those I have established some form of trust or dependence on, where the ‘loss’ of them would mean taking responsibility, wherein I would experience a psychological ‘death’ of myself as the characters that have been on ‘life’- support as delusions, so as to follow through with the process of alignment with physicality in order to be the point of support that I would have wanted for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of anxiety in relation to the ideas and images I have cultivated in my mind of what the future may look like, how I would experience myself within it, how I would survive, sustain, and direct myself within it, what my relationships would be like, the extent of abuse, withdrawal from familiarity – instead of remaining grounded within the physicality of who I am within all this, and realizing myself as the point of support to remain standing in an unstable system that is in the process of falling.

When and as I see myself fixating on the ideas and thoughts that compose the experience of anxiety within the idea of going nowhere, I stop within the understanding of how I have created this based on the expectation that I must be going somewhere, when there is nowhere to go since I am here with nothing to outrun or aspire to, only to deconstruct in order to re-create as physically sustainable and self-directive, no longer buried in the context of memory-fixated patterns or future projections that have led to the physical experience of stress in which I create and consume energy as my physical self. Instead of wallowing in the idea of how the future is apparently too impossible to adapt to, I commit to remaining here as breathing and working with what is here as the current point that must be communicated within and as myself in detail without making it into an elusive and unworkable set of ideas in the mind that I would only react to with this muted anxiety.

When and as I see myself fixating on the thought process that composes the experience of being groundless or uprooted as a future projected scenario in my mind, I stop myself within the awareness of how this construct has led to such distracted behavioral patterns where, directed by this muted anxiety, I haven’t allowed myself to be here as a self-directed being. Instead of attempting to superimpose an experience of anxiety based on a future projected mind construct onto physical reality by basing my existence in the moment as constantly reactive to nothing that is real, I commit to working with the reality of what is real as what is here, as the point of communication or physical change, unclouded by the construct of mental distraction that I have allowed up to this moment.

When and as I see myself fixated with the reactive mental process based on imagining the worst-case scenario, I stop within the physical reaction and direct the point practically and physically by placing it out in front of me, instead of allowing to remain as a reactive/distractive cloud that has made the simplicity of remaining here as physically breathing so elusive. Instead of physically wasting away as the direct consequence of this anxiety toward the idea of wasting away through the reaction to the idea of time, I commit to working with time as each moment that I would otherwise miss through the attempt to approach it as an idea, instead of slowing down and approaching time physically in order to be practically effective.

When and as I see creating the experience of physical constriction and anxiety in relation to the idea of having the entire support system for who I have believed myself to be either suddenly or gradually eroded, I stop within the understanding that the characters of myself that I have cultivated and maintained consciously and subconsciously are not necessary to continue breathing. Instead of creating unnecessary resistance within myself in relation to the self-judgment of being prone to collapse out of withdrawal from the familiar, I commit to the understanding that who I have believed myself to be hasn’t stood for anything and that giving in to the anxiety as a drug of the mind has reinforced this false security. I commit to directing myself within awareness of myself as a physical body that doesn’t require anxiety and fear of the future in order to continue breathing.

When and as I see myself in a moment of reinforcing a mental pattern that I have already rehearsed many times out of habit, I stop myself within the awareness of my own limited lifespan, the limitation of time as well as expression and effectiveness are affected in part by the amount of time and energy wasted in the mind preoccupied with the maintenance of a false sense of security as the ideas and characters I have interpreted of my physical self that I have severely diminished through a lifetime of reacting within myself toward anything that I could use as a catalyst. Instead of remaining in the amusement park of the mind and analyzing moments rather than living them, I commit to working with the time that is available, slowing myself to the pace at which I am here and breathing, and effective, while making conscious what has been subconscious within the wasted effort of bracing and constricting myself for a projected worst-case scenario in mind that is not here.

When and as I see myself imagining misery as the most vulnerable and limited future projected experience for the sake of sustaining an addiction to ‘melancholy’ as a drug of the mind through speculation and rumination as a hidden dimension of the characters I have made of myself, I stop within the moment of awareness of physicality and that future projections are illusions maintained in order to preserve particular dimensions of character and self-definition. I commit to remaining here, grounded in the moment of physicality, directing myself to work with what is here, including the deconstruction of future projections as well as of ‘melancholy’ as a drug of the mind.

When and as I see myself creating an experience out of future-projected ideas of the virtual ‘loss’ of who I have believed myself to be within and as defense mechanisms of patterns and presentation, I stop within the awareness that I have accumulated such layers of conditioning through time, the deconstruction of which, through time, means the breaking of patterns and withdrawal from self imposed limitations. I commit to following through with being the point of unconditional support I would have wanted for myself, uncompromised by self-manipulation or self-deception through sustaining illusions of self with relationships.

Posts: 260
Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 18:27

Re: Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 09 Dec 2012, 00:31

fear within manipulation ... ation.html

This is on the point of fear within hatred and manipulation, and how within a situation where we cannot achieve some relative external reward through consistent effort, the possession of frustration and aggression tends to be projected through some form of blame, prejudice or intolerance based on trivial distinctions that are prefabricated through media propaganda, family tradition, one’s general disposition, personality cult or self-religion.

Through the deflection of blame and anger of people amongst/against each other or oneself that might otherwise see a corrupt political/economic system as a reflection of oneself, then it only serves to support a system of mutual self-consumption. This general blame and frustration manifests through mind possessions such as, for example, scapegoating. Within the missing context that is never taught in school is how corruption, war and propaganda are a projection of each one to take responsibility. So in my case, here, has been my cynical reaction toward advertising, mind games, and the general fakeness that I have fixated on in my relationship to basically everything, particularly other people, mass media and, within this, myself.

The fear within this has been based on how I have allowed myself to be conditioned throughout my life, the initial resentment that goes with the expanded awareness of it, and the addiction to anxiety toward the ideas I have made in relation to the physical reality of this, and the tendency to remain cynical and vindictive in order to mask the anxiety, thus suppressing and limiting myself in expression due to energy and moments spent projecting and critiquing these ideas in separation from reality. Within this as well, the awareness of what I don’t know in comparison to others, thus regarding ‘the masses’ as a pet scapegoat to compensate for my own perceived incompetence based on self-responsibility as an elusive ideal standard rather than a moment to moment directive application.

Within this is the mental juxtaposition of my relationship with the world I have read about and seen in documentaries and the world that is in my immediate vicinity, as well as who I have seen myself as in retrospect, and how the experience of myself within this evolved through my capacity of awareness based on physical experience as well as physical reality represented through words or images to expose the greater context beyond familiarity, the experience of anxiety within this masked with whatever would seem to preserve the ideas of who I am.

The reaction within what is presented through information or documentaries that involve content that is often avoided or taken for granted when it makes us question who we are and what we’re doing has been a mix of resentment and contempt, along with some justification for the lifelong self-created experience of being out of place. While there’s been a desire for more human beings to develop more of an understanding of propaganda, for example, on some level I’ve almost required others to remain blind to these things because that has been necessary for the polarity to exist between ‘me’ and ‘them,’ which is a common thing within a lot of human beings who think of themselves as ‘I.’

There has been a lot of contempt within me toward the manipulative aspect of humanity, from the subtlest gestures to war propaganda and all ‘public relations’ in between, the reality that manipulation transpires on such a grand scale, the condescending forms this manipulation takes, as well as the complacence that seems evident when the manipulation has been accepted, internalized and embraced as consensus reality, how this tends to filter into virtually all relationships with other human beings, and the consequences that are too ‘visually offensive’ to be presented through the same forms of media.

The belief that I’ve held is that, between this relationship between ‘me’ and ‘them,’ there isn’t much I could say that would influence anything as that part of the ‘masses’ who actually have this information available via internet or whatever, as we are supposedly too far gone to even begin to admit to ourselves how we have been so indoctrinated, not just through public schooling and mass media, but through interpersonal relationships as well, where the myth of individual freedom to ‘say what’s on your mind’ takes the form of personality cults and general lack of interest or even intolerance toward anything beyond the periphery of habitual selective perception – which I can relate to myself, obviously, or else I might not be as internally reactive toward it.

In order to survive within this system, profits must be made, and slavery must be accepted/suppressed/ignored, so inevitably there will be manipulation on many levels, especially within how we tend to unconsciously market ourselves through the subtlest behavior. My mind’s fixation with these subtle behavioral cues has been one of the primary justifications for anxiety and avoidance, because it has been based on the general belief that human interaction is pretentious by its own ‘nature,’ and within this, I’ve perceived myself as pretentious in any attempt to be social, then hating myself for being addicted to a behavioral pattern that seemed virtually impossible to understand, so it has been convenient to project it outside myself from the point of stubborn isolation and avoidance, through the fixation on human mind manipulation as a private pet issue.

Aside from how this represents a world that I don’t want to live in, the consequences are as real and physical and real as war, famine and slave labor that is trivialized and suppressed through the nonsensical spin of mass media, and this is where it goes beyond my own internal reaction into a reality that I am mostly aware of through the presentation through documentary format, while the aspect that I have been habitually fixated on has been based on my interpretation of this info and how I have related it to myself in relationship to my environment that I have grown so familiar with to the point where I have constructed my own defense mechanisms of intolerance and prejudice as a means of separating myself from others, similar to how another person might form an intolerance toward someone else for being gay, black, Jewish, etc.

The apparent reason for this discrimination has been that people cannot agree on what the context is for their own shitty situation, whether that situation is physical, self-created/mental, or both. I can relate it to my experience with public schooling, where subjects were presented in isolation of each other, like a trunk full of jigsaw puzzle pieces dumped on the floor with no reference for what the ultimate image or context is that is supposed to be pieced together, yet the pieces are to be memorized in isolation or in certain forced-together configurations so that they can be recited on the exam in order to get a respectable grade that says that the student officially understands it, so we strive to accumulate the credibility to take with us into the delusional world of responsible adulthood as children in grown-up bodies. Yet, after all this, we would continue to argue and kill each other over the context behind how the puzzle fits together without necessarily looking into ourselves self-honestly to see the ultimate context, perhaps because of the belief in an external authority – television, holy doctrines, parents, teachers, celebrities – to explain to us what we apparently don’t know since we have abdicated our own responsibility.

While this prejudice wasn’t necessarily directly handed down to me through family tradition or disinformation, but rather cultivated along the way in reaction to the skepticism, cynicism, and pessimism of others that I perceived as simultaneously attractive and repulsive, the basic physical result is the same - where I have separated myself from those in my environment because of the pet issue that I have been churning in the mind which has been virtually and simultaneously addictive and intolerable. This apparent need for the scapegoat of mind manipulation in order to feel justified within existence brings into the question of who ‘I’ would be without it.

With the initial point of contempt toward manipulation, I’ve embedded this as a mask of internal conversation to suppress fear of being manipulated, controlled, or oppressed in some way. This is closely related to cultural embarrassment toward advertising and propaganda, for example, has basically been a muted projection so as to avoid looking at how I create the reaction that I had blamed on a hidden hand as well as consumerism in general, but without necessarily communicating it in any way.

The over-generalized idea that I’ve formed people in my environment reflects my own experience growing up, how I allowed it to influence me and how I had hated myself for it. Within this, something like mild paranoia set in of being in a world of programmable minds that seek to manipulate each other as themselves, putting one at risk of being at the mercy of another’s programmable belief system – and within this, feeling like there was something wrong with me and so creating and cultivating friction within myself as an over-compensating defense mechanism in relation to fear of not being in control of myself, as well as the fear of the loss of who I currently see myself as. There was the thought that I would rather die than continue to participate in this experience of there being no escape, despite the reality that people are relatively well off where I reside, but there is the perception that the illusions of the times will just become more and more condescending with each generation, so that people would become more and more predictable, and that my experience within this would thus be like residing in a mechanical, senile community where everyone subtly polices each other within a matrix of predictable personalities. All of this, while being aware that an extreme minority of human beings profit from such mechanical, clockwork mutual self-diminishment.

Therefore, the interpretation of a general sense of complacence has been like that of a long pregnant pause, or mind possessions waiting to break out in some form or another – and the unknown element of this is what I have been waiting for, in a sense, as a future projected scenario of anticipating a day where I will have to defend myself against ‘them,’ whoever they are, or supposedly perceive themselves to be, and whoever I perceive myself to be in relation to them, as I would perceive them to be. Within this scenario, I would then become a hermit and learn to live inside my car, assuming that I would have one, or I would just be conveniently locked in a cell somewhere. The point is that, in contemplating something like this, I would be only in my mind, cultivating masks and perhaps even in the process of manifesting something long those lines.

Aside from that, there was always a cognitive dissonance in me in relation to conspiracies and the ensuing interpretations, reactions, bandwagons, fearmongerings, arguments and so forth. While I’m not questioning whether grand-scale conspiracies exist, it’s as if my own apparent inability to process this information in such a way as to arrive at an emotionally heated conclusion like everyone else and declare some specific group of people to be the eternal enemy seems to be due to the problem I have had with taking a side in any prismatic conflict or crossfire of ‘opinions’ or at least perspectives hyped and charged up with media personality propaganda. In relation to this, I would define myself as a ‘nonentity’ or 'useless spectator' because, in seeing these endless arguments, I have had no specifically formulated opinion to interject – and in order to participate in this contest, one needs to have an opinion, apparently, without which one would supposedly be seen as or experience themselves as being ‘nobody,’ which describes, to an extent, the fear of abandoning belief systems.

One of the questions that comes out of that is what are the victims and oppressed supposed to do other than stand aside as their world is destroyed, and that’s been a part of what I’ve been carrying around in my mind in relation to this fear of manipulation and oppression with the mask of contempt over it, which I have been judgmental about as far as how this perception is derived largely from documentaries that I have seen only over the past couple years or so, because it has seemed to me so ‘secondhand.’ There was always this sardonic resentment that I nurtured toward advertising and corporatism as far back as being a teenager, though it was confined within the particular tunnel vision of that time, so the awareness of abuse that drives this machinery had yet to evolve to eventually be articulated in the context relative from a self-honest perspective.

In this case, it's a similar model of cognitive dissonance in relation to how abuse is masked over with false security, and although there are vivid recollections of the abuse, everyone behaves as though it didn't happen, and within this, feeling justified in hatred as a drug of the mind, to mask the anxiety as another drug of the mind, self-created in reaction to the awareness of how abuse is suppressed and that it would inevitably lead to further consequences unless it is put into words and exposed, at the very least.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what a practically useless waste of energy it is to fixate on the analysis of everything I hate for the sake of ‘loving to hate,’ as a primary self-definition and personality crutch, without which I supposedly might experience myself as dominated by my own paranoia in regards to being cornered by my own images of others with no means of escape (from myself).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid stopping to look into the point of fear within contempt when the mask of contempt seemed so empowering within its deadening aspect, like a toxic pesticide that I’d grown virtually dependent on while defining myself within this perceived vacuum of vindication which I had fixated on and devoted so much time and energy to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid stopping within the virtual habit of, and dependence on, contempt in order to see how I am only preserving myself within this useless self-definition while addicted to the self-hate that I would project onto anyone at a distance, without knowing anything about each one personally, simply defining each one according to what I have judged of people based on what I understand in relation to what I have heard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on a future projected idea of being caught in a mechanical feedback loop of familiarity and inertia, wherein I would become senile, homeless, locked up or starved to death as consequences manifest and 'the world passes by.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the point of manipulation within the expression of other human beings, making scapegoats out of ‘them’ based on the belief in, and perception of, people as manipulators, wherein I suppress myself within the preservation of this self-definition in cynicism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself form energetic reactions in relationship to images in this world based on the addiction to cynicism, sarcasm, contempt and disgust that I create within the mental act of speculation of other people’s intentions and the fixation on mental snapshots wherein I blind myself to physicality and practical self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in the mind as being on the ship of fools, where I’m judging and looking down on the characters and perceived self-images of individual people - images derived from my own precarious ideas of who I am - wondering on some level why or how they would allow themselves to be that particular character and what process of conditioning they allowed within themselves, while comparing myself in this momentary relationship with a ‘random person,’ within which I define and diminish myself in this reflection of my own construct of who I am as a random person, playing out whatever mental process seems appropriate to stand my ground in the midst of any perceived manipulative expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a construct of paranoia within myself in relation to the idea of who I would be under the spell of manipulation, without seeing that, within this paranoia, I would already be manipulating myself within the perpetuated reactionary state of contempt and cynicism in order to mask the paranoia while wasting energy and constricting my own expression in the process.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here and out of the paranoid mindset of cynical speculation in order be receptive to the expression of another human being that I would have typically lumped into the projected category of 'human folly' that is the direct reflection of my own self-judgment and abdicated self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preserve the ideas and images of myself through the perpetual effort of guarding myself against my own manifested anxiety in proximity to other people, as if against a perceived physical threat that 'they' might pose which is the construct of my own prejudice and over-generalization of an image of a human being in a moment, all this based on a self-created context in relation to reactions to what I have read and heard and, thus, stored within my mind that I had used to construct the vacuum of vindication which I had already existed as within the context of being a victim in relation to others before I began to charge and perpetuate it within the context of documented information that goes beyond my own personal memory, character-cultivated tunnel vision, and physical life experience.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use the perspective that I have gained in order to reflect on myself instead of masochistically fixating on the reaction in order to build up a case against the image of a 'random human being,' when it’s through initially stopping the reaction that I begin to place the entire construct into words, as I had allowed it to possess and constrict my ability to express in every which way.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how, through the energy that is required to react to perceptions and ideas of other people as well as toward an environment composed of particular picture presentations, that I have only been abdicating self-responsibility through moments wasted in the mental activity of projecting what I fear within self-expression, thus virtually binding myself and everyone else that I physically see and mentally perceive as the ‘guilty until proven innocent’ or ‘desensitized spectator,’ becoming what I project instead of reflecting on who I have become in relation to physicality.

When and as I see myself in the moment of virtual dependence on a façade of contempt - even if kept to myself - to mask over and suppress the basic fear within the experience of being bound by an external source to an external state of manipulation and mechanical behavior, then superstitiously believing and perceiving myself in a process of internalizing this as if it were a physical poison, I stop within myself in the awareness that, within and as my reaction, as a mind-formulated poison in itself, I would only be reinforcing this habit of physical self-consumption, while systematized behavior would continue in the world, unaffected by my reaction whether it be internal or projected in some way with the intention to provoke, thus manipulate, as I have manipulated myself in reaction to the general fear of manipulation.

When and as I see myself in the physical mindset of contempt and disgust within fixating on the interpretation of consumer marketing and propaganda as cheap clichés, predictable tactics and strategies, I stop within the virtual inertia, fixation, and self-manipulative reaction-addiction that supports the relationship between the perceived ‘external’ manipulator and the conformist through the energy within and as the narcissistic/elitist/avoidant personality, seething with internal contempt without necessarily having a solution to the problem, achieving practically nothing beyond supporting the addiction to the entire relationship construct and perpetuating the consequences that were allegedly the starting point, or, in this case, justification to reinforce the habit of reaction.

When and as I see myself creating physical tension within myself as the self-conditioned response of contempt toward the sound, visual, or ambient projection of some form of mainstream cultural programming, advertising or propaganda, I stop myself within the awareness of physical self-consumption through energetic reaction as unnecessary and impractical as far as vaguely believing that whatever vindictive mental experience I could create within myself in relation toward manipulation would have any influence whatsoever through the effort to fight fire with fire as self-manipulation.

When and as I see myself substituting self-honest expression of what I see or experience within common sense for the pseudo-superior character projection of cynicism, I stop and ground myself in the physicality of ‘here’ within the awareness of how I have created and projected an enemy outside myself as a scapegoat for what I have avoided within myself. Within this form of Stockholm Syndrome, I would seek to identify with the design of elitism and superiority through the solace I would find as a multi-layered personality within the self-created experience of vindictive contempt as a default setting for who I am in relation to the ‘masses’ that reflect to me the self-diminishment that I have accepted and allowed.

When and as I see myself in the virtual default setting of avoidance within my relationship to the thought patterns and ideas that I have formed of human beings as a collective ignorant, trivial mind-space that I have projected outside of myself, I stop within myself in awareness that the ideas I have formed of human beings are quite loose and impractical interpretations of physical, flesh and blood human beings, that the violent, constrictive reaction within myself is me, and that the perceived anxiety and virtual inability to be anything other than a complementary character to every person that I see within a given environmental context reflects this very point of diminishing a human being to something as lifeless as a set of thoughts and ideas, within which I would diminish myself while seeking in vain to feel justified as this bitter character that supports manipulation through defining myself as against it.

When and as I see myself indulging in a paranoid mindset in relation to the ideas that I derive from what I physically see as human beings outside myself, categorizing them in my mind as a hypnotized and senile population of consumers and slaves, in relation to whom I experience myself as infinitely outnumbered by and at the whim of whatever ideas are injected into the mainstream to cultivate their perception through consensual self-diminishment and mutual mind-policing, I stop the self-consumption and wasting of energy within moments lost in the mind of judgment, reaction and unspoken vow of condemnation in order to put to words the things that are generally unpopular and avoided subjects, especially including that which I have most resisted, as the only way to approach ignorance is not through reaction, projection, or scapegoating, but through the confrontation of it within myself.

I commit to remaining aware of the tendency to fixate on a quantum-physical response of love-to hate when I allow it to initiate in relation to the sight of people or images that I perceive as charged with the intent to implant associations within me that I would otherwise avoid the ‘inconvenience’ of slowing down and stopping to look at within myself.

I commit to remaining alert aware of the tendency I have created to suppress and mask over fear of distrust and insincerity within myself with the energy of contempt in relation to, and in reaction toward, social programming and behavioral conditioning.

I commit to remaining aware of the tendency I have conditioned within myself of reinforcing my own insecure conditioned reactions to the conditioned behavior of other human beings, thus reinforcing this relationship and separation of ‘me’ from ‘them’ that I have allowed within myself to remained dependent on to support/inhibit my worldview/self-definition.

I commit to remaining aware of how the cynicism and judgment that I have projected onto collectivism, materialism, consumerism, patriotism, self-righteousness is a primary defense mechanism to suppress my own insecurity within the relationship between ‘who I want to be’ in juxtaposition to who I need others to be to support and defend this self-diminishment and limitation of expression.

I commit to remaining aware of the process of how I have conditioned myself to react toward the manipulative aspect of images, advertising, and propaganda, the difference between how I physically perceive this through my senses and how I react/interpret it through mind and body, and the consequential outflows of this quantum process.

I commit to remaining aware of how a quantum physical ‘reflex’ of superstitious paranoia is not something to immediately suppress and mask over with disgust, but is instead an obvious point to stop myself within unconditionally and without cynical judgment in order to see that, when there is a point to be made, then the indulgence of the reaction for the sake of maintaining some dimension of self-image is the self-manipulative effort of fighting for limitation.

I commit to remaining aware of the tendency to identify with the elitist delusion of superiority, however suppressed and clouded within the obfuscating layers of identity, as it reveals the avoidance of myself in my relationship to other people, as well as my participation in the subtle mind games through body language with people I have never met - such as turning my back to people to avoid the perceived ‘vacant stares’ - as this avoidance demonstrates the line of communication that I have mentally severed within myself, based on fear of senility, fear of becoming the image of my father, and general fear of the loss of identity.

I commit to remaining aware of how I have conditioned myself to believe in the vague idea of mentally blocking people in order to avoid and separate myself from them out of the fear of self-betrayal if I were to break the vow of being antisocial - the fear that, through participating in a dialogue with someone, I would become at the mercy of their associations within the experience of myself as a social persona, which is the reflection of my own judgment.

I commit to confronting the reflection of myself in other people unconditionally without judgment, pretense or fear of self-betrayal, through saying what needs to be said regardless of the virtual experience of losing some aspect of my avoidant identity and the fear of becoming ‘one of them’ as the fear of being the same underneath the social charade of polarities and possessions in which who I have programmed myself to be has been one more character presentation in separation from self as every other self, all in the same matrix.

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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 09 Dec 2012, 00:34

fear within projection ... ction.html

This is on my perception and judgment of myself as insincere, fake, disingenuous, and pretentious, all that I have put such an emphasis on counterbalancing through projecting myself as silent, avoidant, and unexpressive, yet while limber and fluidic in physical/non-verbal movement from the starting point of fear within the preservation of self-image, tight-lipped and always ready to get the hell away from people and social situations.

Specific examples include that of interacting with people through social media, hearing the sound of my own voice through the feedback on a phone conversation, the reaction to pictures that have been taken of me, and within this, the comparison of myself to others with regards to apparent capacity for expression and being to articulate in the moment with authority, charisma, command of linguistics and projection, qualities that I have always believed myself to lack.

The fear in this is basically that of being incapable of expressing anything clearly or credibly, without looking or sounding ridiculous, and then remaining addicted to a self-recriminating character, where the ‘solution’ would have been to simply remain silent and isolated.

Within efforts to ‘break through’ this insecurity in the past, it seems as though the reinforcement of misinterpretation would be virtually inevitable, as I would see that whatever I was projecting would be misinterpreted in some form or another, which is how such things are manifested through fixation charged with insecurity.

Much of who I have allowed myself to become has been dictated by this avoidance of my reflection in other human beings. Roots of this go back as far as I can recall, and include verbal and physical abuse from the alcoholic father, along with the fear of being bullied, taunted or outnumbered by other children. Being taunted is an experience familiar to anyone, and I remember always having been sensitive to it, so I would try to project myself as taking it well, yet I would fixate on such events or specific things that were said or done to the exclusion of everything else in the physicality of the moment. This definitely made learning and absorbing information seem difficult, as I found school to be more and more frustrating after approximately 5th grade or so, as the abuse would become more clever and sophisticated, and the proverbial bully’s intentions would be fulfilled to an extent as I grew to see myself as I imagined myself to be in separation of the physicality of me.

A lot of time was spent missing the early memories before all of us children grew into our social indoctrination and became more discriminating and judgmental of each other based on the trivial details and unwritten rules of whatever it means to be cool. So I perceived this as though all my childhood peers had crossed a bridge that I wasn’t aware of while I just fell into the void, and that could have been the common experience for all I knew, yet it seemed pretty overwhelming at the time as it fed into the experience of frustration and depression.

In my mind, I wanted to be more cold and detached, to be able to sort of direct myself from the outside, as if I could be my own puppet master. Several ways that I approached this was through becoming less talkative to the point where I only ever had one or two friends that I would ever hang out with, and of course I was never the elusive idea of myself that I wanted to be within these relationships, because I was conditioning myself with this idea that every word that comes out of my mouth is idiotic or inexperienced as far as it was meant to fulfill the point of acceptability and coolness that I seemed to be so out of touch with.

I gradually came to perceive who I was as the sound of my voice and especially my face as something that is simply ‘all wrong,’ and as the self-loathing became more and more ‘profound,’ I started experimenting with cutting myself as part of my secret project to desensitize myself, because the only way that I could ‘like’ myself was through the self-diminishing acceptance of myself a kind of isolated grotesque character, influenced to an extent by images from underground comic books, metal and the horror movies that I had grown up with.

The secret desire for acceptance had to be rooted out as far as I was concerned, and the basic image of myself could only be justified in my mind through cutting and bleeding rituals that were for the most part about making indelible marks on my body and conditioning myself to be able to do something ‘unnatural’ that would supposedly-literally cut through the charade that I perceived myself as bound within and at the mercy of. And so this is how I took the ‘intolerable’ experience of self-hate and depression and suppressed it within this kind of masochistic narcissism and delusional idea of control.

It seemed to justify everything including all relationships in which I would always see myself as bound to the other person’s associations. The raw feeling of fresh scabs and dried blood under my clothes was the reminder to myself that the perceived associations of others were pathetic, because everything was pathetic through the projection of my secret tunnel vision paradigm within which a sense of control and ‘security’ could be established through this narcissistic self-diminishment.

Within all of this has been the suppressed fear of self-honestly seeing who I am within the perceived reflection of myself as insincere, disingenuous, pretentious, idiotic, fake, fool, ugly, disgraceful, pathetic, deadhead - all within the context of the imagined associations, experience, judgment and ‘strong opinions’ of other human beings, which could only have ever been my own allowed self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind and try to gauge my apparent level of sincerity through the analysis of my choice of words in relation to personality cults, while believing for a moment that I have something to prove, and then package this false proof in the form of self-manipulated projection in order to earn a particular reflection, which means essentially nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid my reflection through the eye contact and interaction with another, wherein the projection and image that I have assumed myself to be is exposed to me as perpetual internal conflict which I would respond to by reflecting it back into the other’s mind, as if to portray the silent mirror or catalyst for the internal conflict of another while abdicating self-responsibility altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have misinterpreted physicality from one moment to the next by filtering and superimposing delusions of specific thought patterns, ideas, judgments, and cynicism without stopping in the hypnotic inertia of this to regard each point as something to dissect rather than to contemplate the measure and balance of influence within relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on and define myself according to memories of intimidation through physical and verbal abuse while cultivating a secret self-abusive identity in order to create a sense of control through the identification with the abusive character, as if to own it within myself like a possession wherein I possess, distract, and consume myself from the inside out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suspend myself in a mental state of distraction through self-abuse within the curiosity to identify with abuse with the intention of desensitizing myself to it, instead of looking at it from the perspective of stopping myself within the curiosity and desire for control in the relationship to collective or ‘democratic’ mindsets.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid relationships based on the belief that they cannot exist without manipulation, internal conversation and subtle abuse, thus blaming this on human nature and waiting for nothing instead of exploring and establishing the point of self-honest communication within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on the idea of how I am interpreted through the mental eyes of other human beings and to accept this as a source of influence, thus following through with plotting and self-manipulation of how to adjust the image and projection of myself in order to avoid the self-consumption of judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to silently and secretly analyze, critique, and trivialize specific details of who I am within the curiosity of how ‘strong opinions’ are projected as part of a perpetual crossfire with the intention of each charismatic personality to trump the other, in which case it has more to do with being right than with being self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider a thorough and comprehensive understanding of history and current events as a measure of ‘sincerity’ in the context of which the perspective that is shared would be used as a projection and leverage within tacit superiority games, rather than simply and self-honestly shared as the perspective that it is without the embedded emotional charge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and constrict life according to energetic experiences and the levels of intensity within such projected forms of expression, and within this, defining sincerity, integrity, credibility and respect according to the capacity to emotional charge and project something within a specific context.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to cultivate a more convincing projection of sincerity, integrity, credibility and respect in order to design and thus be able to experience myself as a worthy participant in terms of expressing myself in any context, whether through body language, physical appearance, opening my mouth to say something, making eye contact, or posting this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as bound to a particular model of conditioning based on a past of being concerned with how I am perceived by secret, collective, and sometimes faceless mindsets, and to ‘solve’ this by condemning them in my mind and avoiding them altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself - through avoidance of my reflection in a collective mindset - to manifest anxiety or modesty through a lack of confidence in expression, which, from my perspective, I have interpreted as disingenuous and insincere based on the critical standards and unwritten rules of what is cool in the context of the general atmosphere of self-distraction within the experience of growing up in the public education/indoctrination system, where the children learn to police each other and fight for limitations.

When and as I see myself avoiding eye contact in a moment out of the self-created anxiety connected to the idea of being scrutinized, diminished and compartmentalized in the other’s mind while becoming self-hypnotized by the other’s eyes and losing the thread of the interaction, I stop myself within this future projected pattern based on fear of becoming sucked into the perceived vacuum of my self-image reflected in the other in order to speak without indulging a paranoid experience or wanting to shrug the entire interaction off for whatever justification.

When and as I see myself portraying the character of what I perceive as the silent, inviolate mirror for the character of another, I stop within the awareness of the self-deceit within this, as the character I see myself silently reflecting is a dimension of me that I would reflexively avoid through suppressing it as someone else’s conflict instead of recognizing an elusive aspect of myself within it in order to dissect it in the moment without judgment.

When and as I see myself hesitating to follow through in some mode of expression in the moment out of the virtual paralysis of the perceived judgment of another that is essentially my own, I stop within the awareness of the connection to memories of judgment, which I stored in my mind in order to replay them over and over for the sake making the adjustments in my mind of the ideal character projection that would be untouchable, even though the starting point is groundless and standing for nothing but the preservation of self as an image.

When and as I see myself critiquing my expression from the starting point of maintaining a particular unapproachable self-image so as to avoid having to let down my guard, I stop myself within this pattern of future projection and follow through in the moment for the sake of self-honesty and clarity instead of preserving a non-existent image that stands for the addiction to isolation, limitation and self-abuse.

When and as I see myself in a moment of identifying with abuse within the starting point of wanting to desensitize myself to it, I stop within this misunderstanding of ‘strength’ in order to redefine it through the starting point of placing the abuse into words within self-honesty instead of masking it over with a projection of being able to somehow trump the ideas of abuse through non-verbal cues such as rolling my eyes, turning my back, or conjuring some abstract thought in mind in order to order to suppress a reaction, instead of allowing myself to slow down in order to be able to put to words what I had become so used to as being ‘not worth mentioning’ due to the perceived ‘elusive subtlety.’

When and as I see myself fixating on the aspect of manipulation in other people and using this as a justification for avoiding others altogether, I stop within the awareness of how I have given up on others and myself within this cynical definition of how we’re such wretched con-artists that only exist to consume, instead of considering the mind as a means for correction.

When and as I see myself engaged in a mental process of fixating on how I am being interpreted within some particular context and environment in relation to how I have judged and interpreted the people involved, whether they are physically present or referred to as an image in the mind, I stop within the belief of having to stand my ground when no such ground exists, and thus remain here in the physical reality of what each of is in relation to each other and the world system.

When and as I see myself falling for the belief and participation in the games people play through the projection self-image within specific contexts and information in order to deliver strong opinions, I stop within the awareness that strong opinions are not solving anything through their perpetual contradiction, and within this I stop myself within the effort to cultivate such elusive integrity, respect or sincerity for its own sake, or for the sake of energetically charging images of who I have wanted to experience myself as in this reality.

When and as I see myself thinking, behaving or speaking within the belief that I need to establish myself as the image and believed-in, elusive character of who I could be as a worthy participant in order to stand up and say something, I stop within the awareness that there’s no way to establish anything without unconditional self-honest communication in the moment, instead of the limitation and sabotage of future projected worthy participant that would be based on pre-digested memories that would support such an image.

I commit to following through in understanding what I have conditioned myself to believe in as virtual mental blocks as the perceived vacuum of self-image that I allowed to become the primary impediment to self-honest expression, and to put to words what I had become so used to perceiving in the abstract based on the belief I held that words could somehow be used against me, when I could have only used them against myself.

I commit to following through with putting to words the memories I have indulged in the impractical process of molding and shaping the never-existent image of who I have wanted to be in certain imagined situations, which has been a mental practice that never transfers into the physical moment and would only ossify the mechanical time-loop of patterns of behavior and same words repeated over and over that I have repeatedly gone back to chew on in the abstract, instead of simply directing attention to what is here in a given moment.

I commit to following through with the redefinition of strength from the starting point of placing the perceived abstract, subtle and elusive qualities of abuse into words and physical change instead of the fear-based acceptance of it as ‘nature’s law’ as defined by human beings, along with which would follow the contrivance of unwritten rules from which each one is pitted against each other at an absolute dead end of self-dishonesty.

I commit to following through with understanding myself – in physical, practical self-honesty, in clarity and specificity - in relationships in this world without the predominance of self-image as something to cultivate in order to be presentable, acceptable, and promotional, like a product in a profit-based system, while defining this as existence.

I commit to following through with seeing strong opinions for what they are, as a self-perpetuating network of contradiction based on the idea that argument is being refined within this, when in reality each one is refining their own opinions for the sake of wanting to be right so as to dominate the social hierarchy of promotional self-images, within this creating scapegoats to avoid self-responsibility and usually willing to have some distant enemy killed in the name of beliefs or security, as programmed through indoctrination, propaganda and family systems that support this perpetual inner conflict projected outward through the human tendency toward avoidance and willful ignorance of brutal self-honesty.

I commit to following through with recognizing and placing into words the influences that I have defined and inhibited myself within, specifically the constructs of sincerity and respect for strong opinions toward the end of profit and security for its own sake, within which we have nothing and remain insecure with a foundation of self-dishonesty from which, instead of placing the physical consequences of human behavior into words, the tendency would be to project a trump-card image of self with the intention of paving short-cuts through self-honesty in the name of survival of self as an image in the mind.

I commit to following through in a moment of walking through imaginary walls of facing myself in other people and putting to words the insecurities of misinterpretation, scrutiny, diminishment and compartmentalization instead of preserving them in the abstract and reinforcing them with the virtual conditioned reflex of paranoiac avoidance of a self-image at the perceived mercy of the unknown.

I commit to following through the expression of myself as reflected in another without giving into a self-created experience of repulsion toward it that leads into avoidance and suppression, therefore no longer dismissing it as someone else’s conflict, but instead an opportunity to see this aspect of myself that had I had rendered so elusive and place it into words in order to disable the pattern.

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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby Marlen » 09 Dec 2012, 01:16

Thanks for sharing, Scott!

Cool to see this thread after a while and see where one stands within this all.

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Juan Pablo
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Re: Scott's Writing

Postby Juan Pablo » 09 Dec 2012, 21:17

Cool Scott !

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Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 18:27

Re: Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 17 Jan 2013, 00:44

morbid fixation and desensitization ... ation.html

Hor’ror (hor’ər) n. 1, a painful emotion of fear or abhorrence; an intense aversion. 2, that which excites such a feeling. [Derived from Latin horrere, to stand on end (as hair), presumably from fear.] (The New American Webster Handy College Dictionary, Fourth Edition)

The graphic depiction of horrific things happening to characters on a motion picture screen would be the catalyst for me to react by hiding around the corner as a child, but eventually I developed the perception of it as an obstacle of superficial fear that had to be somehow overcome or ‘conquered’ within my mind. From there, I began to immerse myself in it to some extent, not to the point of any extreme fanaticism, but enough so that I could create an entire archive of disturbing scenes of all kinds to play and replay in my mind, so as to trump the familiar patterns of reality with my imagination while ‘inspired’ by this particular branch of media.

This process was about deliberate self-suppression and desensitization of my own experience that I had begun creating as depressive self-loathing and resentment that coincided with puberty, of course, and within this I had become more reticent through seeing myself and my disposition in comparison and contrast to the dispositions of other children in my neighborhood, at school, on the television screen, and believing that I had been cheated out of what I perceived as a more ‘genuine’ family system within which I saw myself as having been under the virtual influence of this kind of apparent disingenuous and insincere heredity. The impression I associated with this was that of having been drafted into a shitty existence, and that the adults should all be held responsible somehow.

Within seeing my own sensitivity as a weakness that had to be overcome in order to adapt and overcome the defense mechanisms that grew out of abuse, I decided that my favorite kind of media was anything that represented identification with death or the unknown, because I wanted to erase my child identity completely. And that process seemed to justify my own brief life experience that I recognized in some way, that I couldn’t really articulate at the time, as having been unprepared for whatever unknown fate was waiting for me in the world of ‘responsible adulthood.’ At times I wanted to attribute some of this to rejecting my father through the association of him with the smell of alcohol, along with useless sarcasm and insults as well as occasional physical abuse. I would continue to entertain thoughts of vindication for this, of course, just as I did for specific other people as I learned how to tap into this part of my imagination where I could entertain boundless fantasies of what I would do to so-and-so if I could get away with it.

There were several approaches to this self-manipulation, none of which really had any practical significance other than to continue to reinforce and cultivate the layers of characters of who I would see myself as in relationship to everyone else. Among other things, this included the specific fascination with the ‘horror’ culture that has been defined as playing on - or catering to - the primal fears of human beings, especially that of the unknown, and some common motifs include blood and viscera, dark rooms, superstition/curses, isolation, graphic depiction of torture, running naked through the woods, hiding in a closet, charismatic/supernatural killers, sharp objects, framing the context of things that people can intimately relate from a perspective that’s meant to disturb, and so on. It’s argued that there are aspects of the horror genre that can serve some alleged purpose as far as provoking people to look at participation in life from a more humbled perspective. This has sometimes been my justification as well, for the sake of feeling intelligent about it instead of being honest in admitting that I am in reality taking the whole point of primal fear and trivializing it to no end for the sake of satisfying that part of the mind that wants to identify with the oppressor or the source of the fear as if to overcome it within my mind when, realistically, no such introspection would ever really occur.

The horror fix can be achieved through watching the depiction of something to the effect of characters in the process of having their worlds turned upside-down and inside-out by some elusive, dominating antagonist. What is the fascination with watching horrific things happen to other human beings? Maybe it’s the sense of empowerment within identifying with the oppressor/abuser, or something erotic about fear, bondage, and the image of blood. Maybe there is a desire to identify with the stimulus of motion-picture ‘horror’ in itself, to become a connoisseur of whatever is intended to disturb, to be the god of one’s own imagination while cultivating a self-image through deliberate desensitization and detachment from reality or the horror inflicted in this world by human beings, i.e., willful ignorance.

My own experience of it has been that of following the curiosity to see how I react within myself toward each presentation wherein the death scenes themselves tend to be the ‘mindgasms’ while everything else would essentially be foreplay for this, beyond any trivial justification. The self-inflicted experience of confronting something like this would be the heroin injection into the mind that would seem to place the familiarity of how I generally experience myself in my world into an imaginary context, where the usual arbitrary definition of bullshit is less of a bother when there is a new scene that I have now imprinted into my mind as a convenient distraction from physical reality to chew on.

What I am looking at while watching the depiction of mutilation and death amongst characters on a glowing screen in a dark room is myself, while the reality is that of a human being suppressing their own mind in the attempt to avoid directly facing the self within the characters and the consequences of willful ignorance. Sometimes the philosophical pretense of ‘expanding human consciousness’ is used as the justification for the existence of things like this, but the obvious point in that is that consciousness doesn’t need to be expanded as much as directed so that we no longer require the mental masturbatory fix of seeing characters depicted as mutilated and killed in an eternal variety of graphic scenarios for a passive audience of secret minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the presentation of horror as a cultural construct to distract myself from the physical reality of who I have allowed myself to become within a self-created state of insecurity wherein I would believe that I have nothing to do with the way things are if they are the consequences of those who came before - within this, maintaining a spiteful and willfully ignorant grudge with no solution to anything, while seeing how I have become like the irresponsible characters that I have judged and diminished within the imagined security of my mind, instead of stopping the cycle within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the deliberate self-spite of indulging in images of suffering played-out and enacted by characters within a screenplay and allowing this to filter into my own identity/idea of myself as a character in relationship to the physicality of other human beings as something vulnerable that can be easily broken and diminished as images of what they physically are, thus distracting myself within this projection of my own fear and the desire to cultivate a sense of security in the midst of the circumstances of this reality that I live and breathe in, ignoring the consequences of deliberate participation in a secret sado-masochistic mindset to the point where I would allow myself to become as culpable as the object of my own initial reaction of disgust toward abuse in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell on the surface of my reactions toward/within my own projected concepts and imagery of living beings as characters that are fragile and easily broken, and within this, dwelling on these reactions toward intense suffering through deliberate abuse, dwelling on the the surface of reaction toward the idea of the loss of life as a character, detaching myself from the physical reality of both physical life and death and who I am within this process of existence for the sake of whatever sense of ‘security’ or ‘catharsis’ could be found within the mental masturbation of creating and dwelling on the surface of energetic reactions in my mind toward projected ideas/images of suffering and diminishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the idea of myself as a fucked-up character of a human being as if to justify my own self-judgment and insecurity as well as secret and unarticulated contempt within the elusive orientation of my relationship to others that I would preserve and cultivate within my mind in order to find security within my own interpretation of the diagnosis of schizophrenia, as permission to abdicate responsibility within existing as an unconventional, childlike and defensive character who believes himself to be too warped and inviolate to be fucked with by any external influence, thus ‘secure’ within the experience of a mutilated self-image as a defense mechanism toward self-created anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an inviolate self-image within my relationship to other human beings while avoiding the physical reality of who I am in this relationship through deliberate self-spite of seeking nonexistent strength within the wasted attempt to root out my own reaction toward flesh, blood and bone as an idea in separation of who I physically am in relationship with my body as breathing air and circulating blood on its own without trivializing it into something absurd for the sake of adapting to an elusive self-image, longing to feel secure within relationship to a perceived cultural/collective mindset according to fear of how I would experience myself toward potentially abusive characters that could ever possibly be confronted in the course of a day, thus cultivating within myself an internal conversation of secret perversity and sarcasm to brace myself for such a future-projected moment that never comes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek inspiration through the deliberate spite of reality, of wanting to figuratively hollow myself out in order to supposedly establish a new platform within myself on which I could place myself as above my own fears instead of facing them directly, while the strength that I would perceive within such an idea of emptiness is no more sustainable than any other kind of energy that self as a character can conceive of in terms of comparison and judgment, but dependent on and in support of this cut-throat system just the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that inventing a process of suppressing my own identity is possible without continuing to create layers based on the same resonance of and relationship to childhood, and creating characters of myself that would be devoted to the futility of trying to escape who I have perceived and judged myself to have been as vulnerable and pretentious, thus equating an idea of being hollow and empty with that of strength and 'self-mastery,' when the idea comes from the point of wanting to insulate myself within the cultivation of the elusive character that I would want to exist as in relationship to the characters that I have judged as other people, instead of facing myself within this relationship directly.

When and as I see myself indulging in images of contempt and vindication, I see how I have tried to deliberately desensitize myself within this projection/experience through the use of media references such as what is presented as horror in culture, or anything meant to entertain and profit from the mental fix of vicarious vindication and escape into warped fantasy, and I stop within seeing that the projected self-image of contempt is both inner-directed and self-consuming, as the indulgence of ‘loving to hate’ implies self-dishonesty within lack of a solution to anything beyond the diminishment of self as the image of this useless idea of empowerment.

When and as I see myself dwelling on reactions toward and within my own perceived ideas and images of human beings as suffering characters that are easily broken physically and mentally, I see how I have used this to deliberately suppress and desensitize myself in relationship to the physicality of human beings and the consequences that we share responsibility for, so I stop myself within this detachment and escapism toward some elusive sense of security and catharsis that amounts to basically suppression, willful ignorance, and separation from other human beings as myself through diminishing us into characters less than life for the sake of creating some experience of empowerment.

When and as I see myself indulging in the idea of myself within the socially convenient diagnosis of schizophrenia in order to justify my own self-judgment and reactions toward memories in relation to my environment as the world that I’ve tried to separate from myself, I see how so much of the process of self-suppression has been focused on cultivated an idea of myself as inviolate in relation to the reflection of myself in other human beings, so I stop within the defense mechanism of desensitization and avoidance of myself through the effort to replace my initial reactions with something ‘out of the box’ from the mind’s systematic perspective through the reflexive self-conditioned distraction of visceral thought patterns to avoid the reality of who I am in relationship to the physicality of other human beings.

When and as I see myself seeking inspiration through deliberate willful ignorance, spite and diminishment cloaked in a projection of inviolate self-mastery in relation to the physicality of others and myself as human beings in the attempt to feel secure within a process of identifying myself within ideas of human suffering and experience of vindication associated with the characters I’ve bound others as myself to in my mind, I see how this insecurity and cultivated image of myself as inviolate and empty has been the self-conditioned defense mechanism against self-created anxiety toward the unknown, of not knowing what to expect from one moment to the next with human beings, so I stop within the mental act of layering and suppressing myself as this inviolate character that is supposedly the empty mirror in relationship to future-projected conflict, and remain grounded in order to be the point of direct communication amidst the trivia that has been an aspect of myself that I have been so devoted to wasting energy within moments in order to avoid my own reflection instead of facing and exposing it for what it is.

When and as I see myself indulging in imagery that is inspired through media references that are intended to disturb, I see how I have created this sado-masochistic distraction from physical reality within myself in terms of the diminishment of life as something that is easily wasted through acts of deliberate abuse and cruelty within the idea of vindication, as if to justify who I am in relation to memories in order to overcome/suppress the fears within a platform self-definition as abused, oppressed, and stifled, so I stop within recognizing the consequences of deliberate participation and self-indulgence in relation to images of humans portraying characters that confront mortality in virtually endless scenarios with the extent of their function to serve as pointless visceral memes to entertain the mind.

I commit to exposing the kinds of cryptic projections and existential trivia that I would keep to myself in the intention of deliberately desensitizing myself thus gaining some virtual psychological leverage against the very ideas and concepts I had formulated and limited myself to in my mind in relationship to ‘other people’ that I have defined myself within as prone to judgment and diminishment of the character(s) I have sought to defend while nurturing and cultivating them in the secrecy of my mind to disqualify myself as being too dysfunctional to participate in what I have perceived as the games people play in the collective mind, instead redefining strength as standing up to the roots of all bullshit that I have avoided within reflections of myself.

I commit to the study and exposure of who I have believed myself to be within physicality and the physical state of this world as well as the understanding of trivial interpretation and perceptual filters under the influence and self-possession of what passes for entertainment in this system - from which I believed on some level that the selection of influences of character/expression is among the closest things to free choice that exists – thus preserving myself in a state of diminishment and distraction from reality for the sake of maintaining an illusion of security and power that is physically self-consuming, without considering that I could still exist without such systematic ‘inspiration.’

I commit to the study and exposure of what I’ve invested in as the images and concepts of mental disorder within myself, as the self-inflicted abdication of responsibility and justification for the secrecy of sado-masochistic self-images and harboring of self-possession/consumption while seeking for power and security through self-deceit within the struggle for the limited shelf-life of ‘mind over matter’ as a common thread among all self-religions, collective delusions and existential abstractions/distractions from physicality.

I commit to the study and exposure of who I am within the process of identification with images and the self-created reactions I have linked with them in order to clarify the distinction between who I physically become and who I have sought to become in relationship to the images and characters I have made of others for the sake of maintaining an idea of security and empowerment that is the deaf, dumb and blind self-consumption that I have defined myself according to as the accuser in separation of, without seeing or recognizing myself within it.

I commit to the study and exposure of the perceptual filters that I have cultivated as an intended virtual ‘dominion’ of tunnel vision in order to avoid seeing myself and reality directly, maintaining a self-image that specifically seeks desensitization in order to create the experience of security and power that only ‘ebbs and flows’ within a context of self-parasitical energy wasted on this confused sense of priority of exaggerating pet issues out of proportion to physicality, feeding with contempt and placing them above life itself, as self-images above self-honesty, instead of forgiving and aligning with the physical nature of the perceived ‘objects of contempt,’ evoking this self-image as unforgiving, indisputable, and inviolate while there is obviously nowhere to hide from myself in this moment of existence.

Posts: 260
Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 18:27

Re: Scott's Writing

Postby scott » 17 Jan 2013, 00:46

mythologizing music ... music.html

This is about the process of mythologizing and physically integrating music as a packaged and prerecorded product to deliberately distort an already self-created experience as if to make it more digestible, or suppressible.

Music has been something that I’ve used to some extent within the idea of it being an imaginary force field against what I’ve perceived as a world of judgmental mindsets, which grew out of childhood. What I’ve had in common with anyone who has identified with some form of popular culture is the point of wanting something that seems to trump any and all forms of perceived arbitrary ‘bullshit’ that would simply be a catalyst for reaction within self. The point of reaction serves as nothing other than as a defense mechanism, to preserve and project a mindset amongst others.

Through time I’ve managed to become extremely selective about the music I’ve listened to, with the selection based on the desire to reinforce or cultivate some dimension of character, while looking to root out certain aspects of conditioning – like erasing parts of a drawing - but only succeeding in suppressing them with the energy summoned up through what I would define as music worth listening to.

The identification with what is now called ‘metal’ started out as a fascination with the cover artwork for particular bands, which was all new to me at the time - i.e., fourth grade. The music seemed more relatable, and seemed to articulate and give color to certain emotions of isolation, fear, and aggression that I otherwise might have found some other way to suppress. Through becoming addicted to this self-created experience, I started to look for other bands that could articulate my mind for me within lyrics and sound. It wasn’t until my middle to late teenage years that I became more aware of the variety of ‘flavors’ of packaged and recorded music, at least as far as what was within the boundaries of a forming self-religion, and I saw how I could cultivate an experience of myself according to recorded music within this context.

This was while realizing or forming the judgment of myself as pretentious and resenting my own conditioning, and wanting to deliberately brainwash myself. Eventually recorded music, as a catalyst, began to serve the function in my mind as an energetic battery in the sense of having to recharge, especially before and after school. being anywhere among so many other people would always be a catalyst for anxiety, and sometimes I would interject certain songs in my mind in order to tolerate my own self-created experience - layer upon layer.

The idea for do-it-yourself brainwashing was based on the perceived blind influence of family and church as well as the dictation of cultural trends through television and advertising, and how I had grown up identifying myself within all this, and eventually growing to hate myself because I perceived this conditioning as having softened me while classmates were becoming generally more competitive within themselves – at least that was how I interpreted it. Eventually I taught myself the trick of projecting self-hate outwards so as to avoid and suppress myself within it altogether.

Listening to different kinds of music over time has been like trying on different suits to see which ones I want to immerse myself in or define myself according to within the context of my relationship to other people and popular. There was always a sense of dissatisfaction or the taking for granted of music, as the ‘catharsis’ it provided was limited to what is was, as a recorded product that had to be packaged in such a way as to satisfy the laws of the market system.

I’ve overplayed so much of my familiar favorites to the point where I’ve grown numb to whatever emotions they evoked within me throughout the years, which fed into the addiction to a self-image that I have seen myself clinging to, while listening to something from the past and pondering what parts of me have apparently been rotting inside since I’m not reacting to it the way I used to, and yet songs that I remember hearing on a radio when I was six are played at a fuel station. I see how I’ve tried in vain to outrun this in my mind, and then go on to attempt to outrun my own past by liquidating my cd collection, without really allowing myself to stop and see who I am within lifelong attempts to outrun a prefabricated self-image that would by definition ‘die’ of its own accord.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have remained addicted to a delusion of empowerment within familiarity through the adoption of music that I ‘like,’ while defining, cultivating and diminishing myself in relationship to this list of preferences that mean nothing other than that I have been existing as a mind that responds to certain stimuli in the form of recorded music, through which I have tried to adapt myself to my environment mentally and delusionally instead of physically and self-honestly, attempting to substitute direct reality with the mental filters under the influence of a recorded product.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself within the fixation on patterns of image and sound, while diminishing myself as a listener/consumer of the recorded production of human beings who thrive in this world by projecting something larger than life to which I would respond by indulging in the fantasy of somehow being in the process of designing myself as larger than life, yet never able to achieve this carrot on a stick that doesn’t exist in physical reality in any other form beyond the acquisition of money and the acceptance of self as a character in a hierarchy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate recorded music with anything other than what it is, mythologizing it into something with which I can use to systematically/mechanically shape and sculpt the multi-dimensions of characters I believe and perceive myself to be, while trying to passively outrun the reality of who I am as one human being among many, as a participant in the world system, creating and perpetuating war within myself, addicted to insecurity and fighting for limitations – without seeing how this contributes to the current manifestation on the ‘macrocosmic’ level of earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the distraction of trivial associations of recorded music such as the character/charisma of the human beings who made/recorded it, while secretly analyzing myself in the back of my mind according to their beliefs, perceptions, experiences, opinions, projections, personas - within this, diminishing myself as an inferior persona based on the perception that the limitation of who a human being is the character cultivated from birth under the influence of the respective environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge whether something is ‘worth listening to’ from the perspective of how well it conforms within the boundaries of self-religious diminishment into a multi-dimensional set of images and ideas, within which I struggle to maintain a limited expression of life in order to create an experience of security and strength within a self-detonating hierarchy of worthless values that could never stand the test of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willfully ignore the reality that the motivation of profit, status and security is basically just as present within the music/product that I would define as worth listening to and identifying with as it is within something that that I would judge as cheap.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of disappointment, depression and self-loathing in association with such relationships of attachment toward particular bands/products, as these memories related to bands, songs, the year the album was released, who I believed myself to be at the time, who I wanted to become in the future, relationships with people and places at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within resentment toward cultural conditioning when my own reaction to it is the self-created enduring effect, within fear of being inextricably interwoven with the social model promoted through public indoctrination and mainstream culture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mythologize recorded music into an idea that is greater than life while diminishing myself accordingly, thus developing a habit of seeking an external form of energy and experience that is entirely self-created within the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in judgment of a culture as if to outrun my self-created insecurity in my relationship to it, thus inadvertently supporting this polarity within myself as a means to keep myself suppressed and distracted from reality with the energy required to maintain the image of who I am in my mind as burdened by an atmosphere of what I arbitrarily perceive as cheap music, while maintaining such a generalized blanket judgment of the human beings in this area based on this perception derived from what I believe myself to know about how the world works, how we are conditioned, and how we proceed to program ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on the point of reaction toward a mind-made atmosphere of brainwashing and propaganda with cookie-cutter models of perception, which I’ve participated in through the reaction of self-created anxiety within an experience of being interwoven with and bound to stereotypes in a tacit collective agreement of self-distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the definition/limitation of who I am within the self-created experience of intolerance and physical constriction for what I have defined myself within a love-to-hate relationship toward human beings as ‘the masses’ instead of seeing others as they are without the character-preserving filters, as well as out of fear of this aspect of myself that I’ve devoted so much energy into separating myself from within fear of loss of who I have believed myself to be as a character in this world.

When and as I see myself in the moment wanting a fix of some recorded product that I’ve heard many times over that I’ve allowed to ‘grow on me,’ I stop myself in the awareness of how I have defined myself in relationship to a product in order to create a product of myself within the belief that I need to cultivate something within myself based what I’ve judged to be cool in relationship to what others in their minds have defined as cool, to feel secure in the mind as an image from one transitory self-created experience to the next without questioning who I am in relationship to this world in its entirety beyond the ‘security’ of tunnel vision fixation.

When and as I see myself actively seeking a familiar mindset through the aid of some prerecorded product from the starting point of wanting to further cultivate a self-image within an experience of empowerment, I stop myself within the awareness of the design of self in response to the perception of how others have designed themselves and how the reaction and experience of myself in relationship to them is self-created and has no meaning or function other than according to tacit social mind-fucks that consume time and life.

When and as I see myself in the moment of self-diminishment as a listener/consumer of a prerecorded product of which I create the perception of a soundscape that is larger than life itself, which would serve within the idea of it being a battery to psyche myself or reload a state of mind that would be required in order to face other people, or to escape the moment within which I would perceive myself as inert, lacking inspiration or in some way less than life, I stop within awareness that life isn’t something to be surpassed by projected interpretations of power that cease to exist with the body’s death, having served no purpose in this existence other than to consume, distract and suppress.

When and as I see myself wanting to outrun my own interpretation and self-created experience of physical reality through seeking a fix of some particular prerecorded product to manipulate myself into a physiological high, easily accessible on my phone that was made by someone I’ve never met on the other side of the planet whose life experience has been restricted to slavery, I stop within the awareness that the limitations that I have fought for within myself as a sense of security have contributed to nothing but the limitations of someone, somewhere else - within this, the only practical source of inspiration is breathing itself, the experience of music isn’t something to be carried so far away with so as to allow further suppression, separation, polarity that manifests as the inability to be able to afford or enjoy anything within the experience of life.

When and as I see myself contemplating the people who made the music, the charisma/persona they’ve projected in the form of images and performance, the beliefs/opinions they’ve expressed, I stop within the awareness of the diversion from reality that I would be imposing, how I would be limiting my own expression to the pretense of being under the influence of the beliefs, opinions, charisma, images, expression of another on a stage of mass-projection within which I would diminish myself from the interpretation of this as larger than life in the petty terms of human hierarchy and superior to who I am as life, instead of looking at these projections without judgment within the context of exposing dishonesty, projection and power games for what they are through my own experience.

When and as I see myself contemplating the boundaries of acceptability in the design of my self-religion, in terms of what is or isn’t compatible with who I imagine myself to be, I stop within the understanding that limiting the expression of who I am as someone who listens to music is something that makes no practical sense, as there is no real strength that exists within the context of such a worthless value system that I would otherwise eventually define myself within till death without ever having challenged within myself.

When and as I see myself contemplating or defining myself within the context of some prerecorded music that I’ve associated with specific memories according to the band, the time period, related circumstances, who I believed myself to be or wanted to become, relationships and so on, I stop myself within the process of analysis of false memories that I have warped through selective perception, and ground myself back to the current physical reality and who I am in relationship to recorded music within the context of self-honest introspection in terms of how solving the mess of this world begins with myself.

When and as I see myself within my defiant and silent accusatory relationship to the omnipresence of popular music and culture, I stop within awareness of how I have perpetuated this polarity through the design and limitation of myself as the character that acquires a sense of superiority of seeing through the stereotypes and cultural clichés for the collective diversion and suppressive function that they may serve, meanwhile remaining fixated on the definition of myself as in opposition to such conditioning to stop within this self-created irritation toward recorded music that is supposed to energetically inspire and animate the mind like a battery while enabling each one to define and limit self through ‘freedom’ to interpret who they are in relationship to patterns of image and sound that are used as suppressants from experiencing the physical reality of what is actually here.

I commit to awareness of physical sound within the process of a group of instruments played by human beings, recorded and mixed in a room somewhere, packaged as a product to be bought or downloaded to be received through the eardrum through some modern device made on the other side of the earth through economic slavery and non-renewable resources, then interpreted through the filters of the mind of the listener as the deliberate manipulation of sound to create an experience which would have become used as a psychological means of self-dishonesty when perceived as a means of psyching oneself up or anything other than what it is in physical reality.

I commit to the understanding that recorded music doesn’t require to be interpreted as anything other than what it physically is, in whatever form it’s presented and projected through, and that any reaction or experience that I could create within myself has no practical function regardless of the human belief and reason that the experience/possession of the listener ‘completes the circuit’ of the artform, which tends to lead one away from what the physical response to music is in the moment by turning it into a mysterious larger-than-life idea of worshiping energetic reactions that self-created, whether it’s the person who is recorded while playing the instrument in a room or the person listening to the completed production through a modern digital audio player.

I commit to the awareness of contemporary slavery as how human beings are born into the bondage of having to earn a living by remaining hunched over at a table in a sweatshop assembling digital audio players for human beings who are born into a more comfortable situation of being able to enjoy the finished products of extreme economic slave labor, traditionally using them as a means of mental escapism, inspiration, or imaginary self-empowerment, none of which is real or serves a purpose beyond distraction and suppression through the universal interpretation of music as something greater than what it physically is.

I commit to the reinterpretation of music as what it physically is, particularly in the form it is recorded, packaged and presented in, rather than indulging in the secretive mythologizing of music along with any associated imagery and charismatic context as something larger than life, as the physical reaction to music is an expression in a moment and not an external source that could ever enable me begin to solve anything as could be approached through unconditionally honest writing.

I commit to following through with the developing my awareness of what is taking place in the world in moments where I would rather satisfy the yearning to bury my head in the sand of self-image within music as a means of escapism and deliberate spite as a self-created power trip as catharsis, suppression, layering of self-deceit as if to cultivate and maintain an idea of myself in relationship to music instead of grounding myself in the same physical reality with the device on which the music is played.

I commit to deconstruct and dissect who I have designed myself to be in relationship to music, as the layers of larger-than-life self-image based on digital audio compression and the flavors of music that are created through the minds of human beings within the limitations of the mind itself in the current system within which I have defined myself to seek asylum from self-definition, without seeing the irony in this deliberate layering of suppression/character before stopping myself within the time-loop of worthless imaginary power.

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