Justins writting

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JustinKlassen
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Justins writting

Post by JustinKlassen »

Ok so i just signed up to DIP light. Interesting i noticed when i was asked to briefly describe a prominent thought for today. I find that when i write (and i can remember this from when i first joined the forum)


1) Im unable to type fast enough to "keep up" with the information passing though my head as the point i want to express.
- I realize that i should be able to do everything in real time. It shouldn't be too difficult to simply just write out a simple point that I want to express. Its like first the point comes up, i start to type and every time i look back at it i keep "changing the words" in which i originally intended to use and it doesn't quite come out the way it should.

2) The original look at the point i had contained more details about my experience and i secretly/deliberately change/alter/dress up the original point into a less specific version.
- I realize that i must really learn to slow down while i type.
- I realize that i fear to express and share all details that exists with in the point.
- i realize that i fear to even share in writing to myself, what/who i've accepted and allowed myself to become.
- i realize that i fear coming off as more fucked up than i really am lol. Interestingly enough even the simplest points of everyday normal reactions can contain some unusually strange/demented things that occur in the mind.
-i realize that a "first look" at a point can be the most important look as (for myself) it seems it can end up being the most specific look in which during the observation i start to dislike what i see and question myself what i will and what a wont I share. While first look isn't going to be the full picture, yet it contain important details one must face to press through into getting into the core origin.

I found this to be an important point to bring up and write out as its going to be something I should be aware of every time i write.

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Anna
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Re: Justins writting

Post by Anna »

Hi Justin.

Here's my perspective:

The mind appears to run faster than the physical because self is not here with oneself writing but is already running a-head of self. So here we have an idea about who/how we're supposed to be as more than we can't live-up to and then we'd experience ourselves as less-than the point of writing, resulting in experiencing ourselves unable to write. So suggest to let go of all expectations/beliefs/ideas/desires about how you're supposed to write and simply focus on sharing yourself in simplicity.

If the prevalent thought of the day was thinking about a fight with your sister you can simply write: "Today I thought about the fight that I had with my sister. I recalled how angry I got and I still thought I had a right to be angry...". So simply write whatever comes up out exactly as it played out. It can assist to take a deep breathe and place one's feet on the floor firmly to 'plant' oneself and 'ground' oneself and also to straighten one's shoulders as one prepares oneself to sit down and write.

Gian
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Re: Justins writting

Post by Gian »

Hey Justin.

I had this exact same point, and sometimes I still do.

as an example - for instance have a realization within me, and then within this realization I can see it ALL, and I have the exact words to describe it and place it in context, and once I start writing - well it is like I just can not get that point here again.

so I have dealt with this in a practical manner, I had all the same points.

Because look at it practically, trying/attempting to write out a memory of knowledge and information of the past in the present is like setting oneself up to fail, but bring the point here in real time, looking at it again and write it down real time, that makes a lot more sense because then there is no knowledge or information that can get confused or misplaced in the words and so forth and it can come out a lot more specific and simpler than what it was before.

So what I do is I sit down and I let go of the everything I had before in my mind (because that now only became knowledge and information) about that realization I had, I then breathe and I slow down and I look at the point again, like a clean slate. this is really supportive because then it is oneself that has to actually now willfully look at it and asses all the points within that point with common sense and self honesty.

Because every-time I attempted to write it all down as it was in my head, I just make myself negative and feeling less then and incapable and so forth. which isnt real, it is all made up in that moment lol.

thanks for sharing this.

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JustinKlassen
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Re: Justins writting

Post by JustinKlassen »

Cool thanks.

I notice before i write i have expectations of myself. I focus too much on getting into details first instead of just simply writing myself from my direct experience. All this shit goes flashing by and i try to keep up with it. Best to just start with a simple "this is what happened" and move from there. Also the general nature I/we've accepted and allowed ourselves to become tend to profit the most off a lie as the current system we have in place. Living in a pattern like that for too long and my mind tends to prefer to show me only the details i would like to see as the ones in which i would profit off of the most. Making it easier for me to manipulate reality in my favor.

Bringing my self here first and write from my experience here and not from information and knowledge as the mind. The more i think about "what happened" the more tainted and less clear it becomes. Consistency/practice is obviously the key here.

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JustinKlassen
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Re: Justins writing

Post by JustinKlassen »

OK so like many people im not sure what to write but i came to write so i will write lol.

"I am" a rock star.

I often find myself playing my guitar and before long i drift into my mind. I become one of the greatest musicians/artist who ever lived. The crowed loves me. All the people i know specifically, are in the front row getting off on my amazing performance. I go from bad ass, to sensitive and loving, cute and adorable, bold and powerful, and much much more lol.

What i can see so far is a desire for attention.

To be noticed by others as something extraordinary. Fear of acceptance. Sex Sex Sex! Jealousy, competition and judgement.
To the males in the crowd im competing to be better than. My skills vs yours. Jealousy and judgement fuel the performance and i sherd my guitar and melt their faces. They are not worthy of me.

To the females im just flat out the sexiest thing they ever laid eyes on lol. This is quite manipulative. Apparently being able to play guitar is all it takes to woo the women.

I notice the more energized i become with in my playing the more mistakes i make. I start to judge myself. I am not worthy. But thats ok. The crowd loves it and wants more. I start getting frustrated and tense and willing to give up. But the crowd wants an encore. I start to press my self to be better and play to the expectations in my mind. I start to only hear my amazing performance in my mind and what ever happens here in my living room becomes irrelevant. I hinder my experience of developing skills and learning more (from a musician's point of view). I lose the burning will to learn and become the best i can be as i once did as a child. I give up, take a bow, put the guitar down and never consider to actually practice from observing and applying the necessary mechanics i need to work on in order to better my self. Its a pain in the ass to learn a new song that requires me to further develop a skill. I get no feed back from the crowd when i have no clue what im playing.

Im happy enough with the orgasmic rush i just experienced and i no longer am able to express my self within music. I use polarity as the crowd in my mind to validate my performance. While on the other side of the coin im judging myself as not good enough. Each one fueling the other until i burn out and become bored.

I understand the basic formula of writing an experience , dissecting it and writing out forgiveness. I would first like to observe myself more within this point before i go making statements. Pressing myself to write can be a challenge in it self. So im gonna stop here and continue this tomorrow. Just getting myself to write is my first priority. Thanks.

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Anna
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Re: Justins writting

Post by Anna »

Cool Justin!

lol - this rock star fantasy is indeed quite common. It could be cool to now bring this point back to yourself in terms of having a look at what it is you're desiring to get from 'the crowd' as something that you're not giving yourself, for example attention.

Thanks for sharing.

Gian
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Re: Justins writting

Post by Gian »

Cool Justin.

I had a laugh with you on that, it is all so, I do the same, only I used to do that within Fighting tournaments in my mind from watching to much DragonballZ as a kid lol.
it is great sharing and Anna Gives a cool suggesting, bringing it back to self.

Thanks For sharing this.

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JustinKlassen
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Re: Justins writting

Post by JustinKlassen »

Cool.

Ok so attention = myself what can i see.

The attention i place onto myself here is who i am as image. However its not really myself its who i am to others as image. Do i even exist within this moment. Sure im the one putting on the show but the real show is in my living room and its not exactly the same show. Why is it that i need to show myself off? Perhaps if i look at myself here in the moment i could just enjoy myself as the audience to my own show. The skill i posses doesn't make me anyone special. Anyone who applies them self to what ever will develop through time.

I expect to be the best as/in competition to others. I see qualities in other musicians that i do not possess. But what exactly defines quality within expression. Self honestly there is no such thing. Within music you could fart into a mic give it a title and its a legit expression of sound as music. I apparently have to be like someone else. I MUST BE like someone else. But then who the fuck am I. Someone who doesn't exist to myself and thus needs to be noticed by the beings in my head as valid. A secrete wish to make into a reality.

I do notice myself when i play in front of others and they make a comments. "oh was that ever nice" or "you rock dude". I am valid! I am superior! I rock dude! Still just myself as an image. So whats the big deal. What is it that keeps me from ever noticing myself as valid in general.

Lack of respect for others as musicians - "that was cool but i'm better. listen to me" - would i respect someone like that. Probably not. Yet i am that person who i wouldn't respect. Self respect.

This world trains one to be noticed as something positive/cool. The consequences are negative if you don't. Who i am within playing music has become part of this deception and it not acceptable or valid. When i first saw a guitar i though it was cool for what it was. Then come the ideas that "make you more" if you can play. This led me to the impression that i was more/cool if i knew how to play guitar. Obviously i must have been less than this "more/cool" before i learned. The best players get all the attention and the girls. I am not the best yet. Over time the competition get extensive and there is always someone "better than you". Well who cares. I'll get better in time, maybe not the best but is that the real point here????

I don't need a guitar to appreciate or validate myself. I am not a "value" within self expression. I'm just here, playing my guitar, something that i've always enjoyed. I enjoy what others share and use that to assist in expanding myself. But only the cool stuff lol. What ever that is.

Not a lot of progress here but im writing. Im gonna stick to this point a see what happens.

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Anna
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Re: Justins writting

Post by Anna »

I do notice myself when i play in front of others and they make a comments. "oh was that ever nice" or "you rock dude". I am valid! I am superior! I rock dude! Still just myself as an image. So whats the big deal. What is it that keeps me from ever noticing myself as valid in general.

I don't need a guitar to appreciate or validate myself. I am not a "value" within self expression. I'm just here, playing my guitar, something that i've always enjoyed. I enjoy what others share and use that to assist in expanding myself. But only the cool stuff lol. What ever that is.
It could simply be that when you play the guitar for the crowd, you feel validated. Then you could have a look at if you validate yourself through giving yourself attention. A way to do that could for example be to write in self-support. And then when the experience comes up of being superior in being validated by others, that could be because you are inferiorizing yourself in actually invalidating yourself. So in stopping invalidating and inferiorizing yourself you also won't have to be more-than and can then simply express self. Obviously both polarities must be directed.
Not a lot of progress here but im writing. Im gonna stick to this point a see what happens.
Here you can have a look at if you are evaluating your writings from a starting-point of self-judgment within saying that there is not a lot of progress. You could have a look at and let go of any expectations towards 'progress' and simply make the decision to support yourself through writing.

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JustinKlassen
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Re: Justins writting

Post by JustinKlassen »

Cool point about the progress and writing.

So moving along within self as inferior. Separation in basic is 1 point separated into 2 points moving in conflict with each other as polarity.

I defined myself as inferior and create mental projections of what I "must be" within playing guitar within relationship to others. The goal is to become equal to/as what i design as the mind within the pictures/scenarios i create in order to validate that im am acceptable. My starting point here is obviously standing as inferior through subjecting/defining myself as information and knowledge that rock stars/musicians are "larger than life" , "popular" etc... I must become this information and knowledge because without it im undefined and/or less than the expectation i create as myself in the mind.

Often my response to compliments i get is modesty. I can see i do this in order to hide my true nature as ego. "ahhh, ive been playing for 20 years now, what would you expect" or something like that. Inside its like this "finally someone notices me as something cool and or positive in general and " i know right, im pretty bad ass" . Its hard for me to even say thank you for the compliment due to the movement i see in my mind as self righteous and saying thank you might expose me of already knowing/agreeing thinking that im something special.

I never liked that about myself. I find indulging in self righteousness to be a little over whelming and some what paralyzing. Its like i fear what ive become and wish i could stop lol. This also relates to seeing/observing others who are "up on their high horse" who harm others and more specifically my own experience of being harmed/judged. This is where I dupe myself into thinking im am not that, unless im alone or with another who agrees with me and we can share or superiority over jackasses like that in private.

Im seeing a lose lose situation here. I feed my fear of acceptance to become/feel superior in which i dont really like due to the intensity and uncomfortableness i experience. I see myself as a self righteous bully/dictator in which makes me feel like im dictating to them that yes im awesome and i know it so i hide who ive accepted and allowed myself to become with modesty. pheeeww. what a ride.

This is obviously not who i am. I am actually equal and one as life here in expression as creating sound on a musical instrument. I am equal and one to others around me as the listeners of the sound being created. I just happen to be composing it also. I am equal and one within and as what I as myself enjoy as the music i play as share to/with others. I am equal and one as all as valid here on earth expressing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as information and knowledge.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my self to believe that in am less than /inferior to others without defining
myself as this information and knowledge.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that beeing/creating myself to be a musician/rockstar will validate me as cool/acceptable/positive

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into and as information and knowledge.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into believing I AM what others say i am as information and knowledge that is positive/validating

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i am not the information and knowledge in/as the pictures/events that i create in my mind as a rockstar/talented musician im and not valid as acceptable.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined as not valid

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my self as not valid.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to run/hide into the pictures in my mind as who i must be as a rockstar/talented musician in order to feel valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the mind as information and knowledge as judging/comparing myself to knowledge and information when im facing a real moment of sharing/expressing myself in the physical in which i expect/hope that the reaction i get from others is equal to the information and knowledge i create myself be in my mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my self to fear myself in who i have accepted and allowed myself to become as self righteous ego in which i hide my true nature in/as modesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define/experience myself as a self righteous bully/dictator when
i "win" the validation of others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i am here as one and equal to all life in self expression.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that im am equally valid as life here

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to direct my attention towards others as there opinions define me as who i am.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give attention to myself within/as who i am in self expression.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what/who i am as opinion/information/knowledge in other peoples minds.

I am here. Not a picture in other peoples minds.

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