Justins writting

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JustinKlassen
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Re: Justins writting

Post by JustinKlassen »

OK so i just did my next assignment in dip light. I decided that i'll share what i wrote as it relates to what anna said about self expectation within my writing. Originally I figured i wouldn't write about it here and instead use it for as a topic as my next assignment. That way i could continue with writing out my rock star image lol, and still have more to share when my assignment came.


Last night i shared a bit on the forum.
i finished by mentioning that it was "not a lot of progress here ,but im writing"
Anna mentioned a point about self evaluation/expectations with in my writing that i have place. I definitely see this. But there is also more.

I can see how i judged myself within how much i shared, how specific it was , how much progress it showed etc. I can see how i projected/defined myself as an expectation within myself to make progress every time i write. within in this i can see how i judged myself as not quite living up to those expectations by comparing myself to others in their writing.

It also showed me, when i look back, that it was an excuse to stop writing for the day. I wanted to stop and finish up yet i was "unsatisfied" with what i had written. I figured id mention that i was not satisfied with what i wrote in one way shape or form and acknowledging to others that "its ok, i know im better then this, don't worry - but hey im writing right?" NOw i see that im placing my self defined expectations into what others would expect of me thus further separating myself into what others define me as. The truth is i could have put more effort in to it but i was feeling lazy. I looked at what i wrote, noticed that it wasn't much so ill just claim that "its just not my day" which was my excuse. lol.

I can see a clash in priority here. I want to be effective and i felt i wasn't. This is due to defining myself into the expectation that i was going to press through resistance to writing and just do it. I didn't live up to it this expectation so i ended up defining myself as "failure" and assumed others would see this. Within this i covered it all up with a nice excuse lol. The fact that im writing is a "positive" thing and that's what the first step is right? "Well then i guess i have nothing to worry about. Its not that i was ineffective."

In the end my priority was to just get something down in writing and call it a day. Within this i can see why just writing as much as you can is supportive. Just let go of any expectation and write. Effectiveness will come with time and experience. So just by writing in it self, is a great start and progess at the same time. After all, how can one be effective at writing/sharing if they don't write at all. Duh
Thanks

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JustinKlassen
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Re: Justins writting

Post by JustinKlassen »

Resistance to writing and Iprocess light as support.

Ok so I've been doing i process light and i am currently finished lesson 2.8.4

So as i go through the assignments i see how I am "able to press through resistance" to writing due to fear. Its like showing up for work. I have daily tasks to do and yet I only do them because Im "under authority". Fear of not taking responsibility that "I know I won't get away with"so I feels like "taking orders". My payment is to avoid feeling guilty/unworthy/irresponsible or getting "negative" feedback/being questioned as to why I am unable to be consistent. In turn when I do write I feel accomplished/worthy/responsible/relieved/"free" from duty.

I can see how i'm allowing myself to be enslaved/directed by fear as the job system/survival system. Within this i can see that if i don't get that email saying my new assignment is in, I wont feel obligated to write and therefore it will be less likely that i will actually write. The experience is like my alarm clock going off "telling" me to get up for work as the email. I don;t want to go to work and yet I know I have to. The i process is slightly different as its free and the consequences are really not extensively "harsh". It will show/reflect my consistency/will power and slow down my application within process. This is actually quite an advantage because its a great way to test one self and see where you are in process.

I can see I've put myself under the gun to do this more than I am directing myself to do this. I moving accordingly to rules that manifest from the system. Rule that - if not met - are something to fear. This hinders my writing. I sometimes get into rush mode. Try to get this over with as fast as i can. I start to simplify and compress my writing into a more generalized version of what i am sharing. I know if i get too much into to detail "im gonna be sitting here for ever typing all this out".

I haven't been 100% consistent in writing everyday. I've missed a couple of days here and there. I feel pressured to write when i miss a day. I should consider slowing down a giving myself time. Theres no rush. The consequences will be the differences between effective sharing and a half ass'd job if I allow myself to slowdown and take my time.

Just some shit that i go through everyday when it comes to writing. Time to start looking at actual consequence rather than creating it my mind. The word "consequence" is something i've alway defined as "negative" which is weird. Its simply means the out flow of events.(physical events). Best to stick to that and start making deliberate decision. If i need more time to look at a point or even go out and experience it first before i write about it, I "give myself the time" to do what I can see will support me.

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Lindsay
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Re: Justins writting

Post by Lindsay »

Cool that you are allowing yourself to see these points through the DIP Lite course - thanks for sharing.

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Anna
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Re: Justins writting

Post by Anna »

Yes - cool Justin! Thanks for sharing.

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Re: Justins writting

Post by Maya »

Yes, very cool

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Juan Pablo
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Re: Justins writting

Post by Juan Pablo »

Cool Justin !

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JustinKlassen
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Re: Justins writting

Post by JustinKlassen »

Today i let my backchat fears get to me. I have been thinking a lot about an ex girlfriend to the point of jealousy. She has a boy friend and I wanted to spy on her so i went and drove by her house. When i decided to do this I noticed this rush that came about me. My ego was pleased as it was going to get an opportunity to to be fed. The anxious rush of pleasure as my mind will get this "closure" and have a possible look into her world as to what she is doing. This would only feed my jealousy as if I saw any thing it would bring up thoughts of desire that I have lost and want to re-establish. A chance to fulfill my desire that i have defined as lost. If i cant have her at least i can look at her. I noticed I was becoming possessed by this idea but i also wanted to see my reactions if I did drive by her house. SO i allowed myself to go ahead and do it. The whole time i was on my way i was having second thoughts to turn back as I could see that this was not me, but only my desire. I decided to proceed anyways as I was curious to see what would happen. So...

As i got closer to the house the anxious rush intensified. I wanted to see her with out being seen. I drove by and didn't see any movement. I drove by again and i saw her new BF pulling up. He saw me. I had met him once and I was in fear that he would recognize me. This is a point I had to face as myself not taking responsibility for my actions. The whole spying thing inquires that i don't get caught. I felt busted. As far as i know he didn't recognize me so i was left with major guilt. From this guilt i went into back chat excuses. "it wasn't me " type shit just in case i was to be confronted as being seen. From here I could see that I wanted to drive by again but I decided to stick with my plan and just go home. I had already seen how I was feeding this urge just by leaving my house. I stopped, went home and now I am here writing about it.

I created a desire based on relationships being good and something i 'needed'. I went into this relationship and defined it as 'failing bad'. I blamed myself for not being more 'entertaining', not being more aggressive, not being good looking enough, not molding myself to the type of person she wanted me to be. I was in fear of rejection the whole time i dated her and thus define every moment as a possible failure. I failed myself before the relationship even stared. I felt inexperienced and unworthy. Even if she did 'fall in love' with me I probably would have never trusted it and lived in un confidence as I never saw/viewed myself as the type of guy who possessed all of these desirable points. I have always been focused on my 'flaws' to a point that even my 'good qualities' wouldn't be enough to compensate. I could never trust that a female would actually desire me the way that 'I wanted to be desired', lol, not realizing that the 'flaws' that i define about myself are what I created and its not likely that anyone else would ever know about them.

I don;t regret doing the drive by as it really gave me a chance to see how intense this desire/loss has become. Another perspective is to see that the thoughts that i accumulate were really one and equal to spying in them selves. A secret backchat thought that i don;t want anyone to see as equal to driving by her house not wanting to be seen. What started in secret, manifested as the same point. I obviously wont ever do it again as it really didn't accomplish much and I don't exactly approve stalking someone. Not really something I want to end as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a relationship/sex to be happy.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to define myself as in capable of being in a relationship that i can be satisfied with

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i was not good enough to be a boyfriend and thus not good enough to have a girl friend. within this seeing i am not satisfied with myself as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest theses beliefs by participating and believing that being a thin male is ugly/undesirable. - this is a point where a lot of self abuse started from.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to be less thin in order to be able to be in a relationship that lives up to my expectations.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow these beliefs to evolve into more back chat defining myself as un-confident/unworthy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to base my whole experience within getting a GF as I am not worthy because im skinny which makes me less cool/acceptable which evolved into a whole construct of ideas and beliefs that define myself to be less than worthy by looking at all and any point about myself that didn;t seem to fit the definition of worthy/acceptable/cool/good looking/ desirable.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself within these points i defined myself to be and therefore always accepting my flaws as true and believing that others could see these flaws i created about myself.

I forgive myself that i have only accepted and allowed myself to dwell on the negative points to an extent that the 'positive points' in which i approved about myself would not be good enough to validate myself as acceptable enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by the backchat i have created out of my experience with 'D' and thus allowed it to manifest fear of loss that is so intense that i will actually 'take' what i can, which is to spy on her just to get an opportunity to see her. - what a mid fuck that was.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create more fear of loss by participating within the 'failure' I have defined myself to be and thus creating and alternate reality where I can create my relationship in my mind where i am god and I get what i want. Within this I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to create and compound and validate my 'flaws' as true by creating a reality in my mind where I live up to my expectations as the opposite to who I define myself as/to be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of not living up to the 'definition of desirable/worthy' and thus defining these ideas as what 'the new boy friend'/competition must be in comparison to myself. within this becoming jealous of the 'new guy'.


I commit myself to stopping these back chat voices in my mind and not participating in them.
I commit myself to forgiving myself when these points of Backchat come up.
I commit myself to write about my experience and getting it out when these points come up.
I commit myself to stop creating expectations in myself based on who i am supposed to be within relationships.
I commit myself to standing up as life by changing who I have allowed myself to become.
I commit myself to stopping the idea that I am a failure when a relationship I go into fails.

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JustinKlassen
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Re: Justins writting

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Ok so i just read about someone who is working out and being sexy. I had the same experience a year ago. I decided to change who i was within working out. I had the same shit come up in my head about looking better. From there i could see that my starting point was "I am ugly". My whole experience was more or less sex related.

SO about 1 year ago I decided to make a commitment. I noticed I would always fail and give up working out as it can take a lot of motivation and commitment to maintain a consistent program/routine. So my starting point was to commit to a choice that i decide to make. I wasn't going for sexy or anything like that although the thoughts did cross my mind. I was simply looking at the point that if there is anyone i should be able to hold an agreement with, its myself, and there should be absolutely no resistance to either. After all, why would i resist committing to myself in an agreement , it would make no sense . It would be as if I'm 'being forced' to do something against my will.

I managed to stick to an exercise program flawlessly for about 4 months. I ended up injuring my back. This forced me to take a long break in which i never returned. My job can be tough on my body and i didn't consider taking some extra rest days because of it. What ended up happening is i over committed to the schedule i had made and didn't consider and physical variables. I was forcing myself to hit the gym no matter how tired i was as every time i started my warm up, my body would respond. I found that most of the tiredness was a result of the mind and coming up with excuses not to work out. So i'd press my self everyday to hit the gym(my basement) anyways, and my body always felt strong and capable after a good warmup. After some time i noticed how much strain i was putting on my back as i was doing a lot of squats and dead lifts. Pair that up with carrying a mailbag 16 km 5 days a week is looking for trouble.

As i progressed I noticed by the end of the 3rd month i was lifting a quite large amount of weight compared to what i started with. I went from squatting 100lbs to about 280lbs and i was dead lifting almost 300 lbs. I had put on about 35 lbs or more of body weight in only 3 months. This to me was extraordinary results as i've never put that kind of weight on my body or the bar in less than a years time live alone 3 months. I allowed myself to become possessed by my results and i stopped listening to my body. I was faced one day with a bad rep of dead lifts where i put too much back into it an i sustained a small injury. The next schedule work out i thought about taking an extra day off but I was afraid i would hinder my progress and or lose some of the results i made. I got greedy.

I ended up trying to work out with a little bit of unnatural pain in my lower back. I did a set of squats and over compressed a disc in my back. It was extremely painful. It has been about 11 months or so since I hurt my back and now i'm looking to try again. This time I will have to consider what I am actually committing to. Myself as a whole. It was nice being strong and i enjoyed it. I have lost pretty much all that i had gained from the first time around so i'm gonna start fresh. This time i'll consider my body equally. I know from my last experience that my body can handle far more than i ever thought it could, but i also found out what happens when I ignore the physical, and place it into/as an image in my mind. I was well aware that I could have hurt myself that day but i was ignorant and greedy. I was more concerned with the results in my head as progress.

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Anna
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Re: Justins writting

Post by Anna »

Hi Justin.

Very cool writings and self-realizations here.

Thanks for sharing!

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JustinKlassen
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Re: Justins writting

Post by JustinKlassen »

Ok so while I have been writing quite consistently in dip lite. I find myself neglecting writing on the forum. I can see how I have build and am still building a foundation of self support through consistent writing. So I going to expand this foundation of consistent participation and start writing here more often. The simplicity is cool. Just keep on keep'n on.

OK so I read a blog today on 'why I rebel against my parents'. I look at it for myself and a point came up. I notice how parents in general, use fear to direct their kids. Like make the thing they don't want you to do seem 'bad' and or 'scary'. Interesting how I notice things like doing drugs and smoking are something I didn't really fear to do. Especially after I tried them. Within these things I see freedom. Freedom as no 'fear'. What provokes me is curiosity through misunderstanding. Not given enough detail as to 'why' these things are bad or something to fear and the contradiction of the fact that I question why I have access to them if they are bad. Through this I see how I create the fear of what people think. Its like oh no, I enjoy these thing and yet my parents 'think' / told me they are bad. The hiding begin. Within this, the fear of what others think as the contradiction to "what is good" become my parents as the authority of me as how I direct/become directed through fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become directed by fear of what others think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question how/why good is "good" and bad is "bad".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe through ignorance and lack of understanding what I was told that was good/bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I experience no fear within relation to what I was told as bad, I believed that I was free. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being told what to do as enslavement due to lack of understanding within my parents as the information I was given. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents as the ones who want to control me when in fact we are all as one as humanity to blame for allowing ourselves to not realize we have all misinformed our selves through living in the patterns of those that came before us.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop myself so that I can first educate myself about the things I participate in so I myself can better understand weather or not something is good (as not abusive) or bad (something that does not support life). - I was still most likely destined to fall as their are somethings that are found to harm the body, when the reality is how you create a relationship with it and one becomes directed/addicted/enslaved by it that actually cause the harm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my parents for more specific answers other than goo or bad.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to share my confusion to/towards good/bad with my parents so they could see and realize how/why I rebel against them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share myself with myself as bringing up questions as to why/how things are bad to support myself in seeing realizing that this only keeps the question a secret and within this functions as a point in which I enslave myself into "i must find out".

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