Sean's writing self to freedom

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Anna
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Anna » 02 Oct 2012, 22:48

i feel scatered unorganized. in my mind. so. I am working out. i am trying to make myself happyer through physical exersise and just breathing and making decicions based on what is best for me at this point. I get caught up and frustrated at the way things are. I need to stabalize myself if I am going to work out and keep myself busy. I sometimes wonder if I am actually capable of walking my walk. walking what I talk. doing the things I plan, changing myself from the inside to make a change on the outside. I feel hopeless sometimes. yesterday I did. It is a blessing and a curse to know I am the one who directs my life. I have thoughts. lots of them. I try and ignore them and be the best that I can be. their there though. The word hater. its funny. because it is quite on point when you break it down. It seems no matter what I do to better myself people say yeah right whatever, you wont really do that, thats impossible, your a pussy, overthinking, underachieving. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get personally offended when somone insults me. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that no matter what people say at the end of the day I am here and what I have done during my time is my contribution to the world as a whole. so. I feel like I am talking to myself. but at the same time people read this. so. here i go again no weed. I am going to be so fucked if I do not stop now and I litterally feel like i have dug a hole and I am inside of it. I can climb pretty well so I should be fine. just want to write here. just talk. I am currently trying to move to my dads house away from this situation. I have to deal with legal crap and stuff first. fines to pay off and license crap to take care of.
Hi Sean.

What I would suggest is that you bring yourself back to basics of writing and self-forgiveness and breathing - clear your starting-point and allow yourself to start over fresh.

I suggest making it a daily point to listen to Desteni interviews and read blogs - I find this immensely supporting in keeping me grounded, reminding me that what I'm experiencing in/through the mind is not real. It is also a very cool form of support as one listen/read daily to realize that whatever one is going through in one's 'life story' it is not actually personal as such because it's part of a programmed reality that works in a way that is patterned - which means that it can be deconstructed and directed. This requires though that we give ourselves that moment of sitting down to write - or push or discipline ourselves if required. Or that we give ourselves that moment to take a shower or a walk and apply self-forgiveness out loud until we're clear.

So in regards to getting back to basics, I am going to quote a point of support that Lindsay gave to someone in another thread. (I suggest if you're able to to read Earth's Journey to Life. The link is listed below.)
Suggest to take a look at these links so as to assist yourself in being/becoming more specific, detailed and structured with your self-forgiveness statements, in keeping a constant structure that is the same for each statement:

Self Forgiveness videos:
2011: WHERE do I START with Self Forgiveness? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNLd2szsV0g
Self-Forgiveness - Principles and Guidelines - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYk7cVb4sR8
2012: What is Effective Self Forgiveness? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-F9k-phE6Gc
2011: Self Forgiveness and Time - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLC8KlXA8As
2011: Self Forgiveness Support in Pushing Through Resistances to Writing and Speaking - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYdkk2MXrWY
The writing of Self --Forgiveness - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0u_HXF5U ... re=related

Self Forgiveness articles:
The Guidelines of Forgiveness Part 1 - http://desteni.org/a/jesus-the-guidelin ... ess-part-1
Veno - PRACTICAL support and Guidance with Self Forgiveness - http://desteni.org/a/veno-practical-sup ... orgiveness

Also, ensure that when you are writing self-forgiveness statements you are not writing from within reactions of emotions or feelings - wherein we tend to want to judge/blame ourselves for what happened in the past, etc.

Here's is a cool blog post to read in regards to this:

Day 119: Suppression Character
http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... acter.html

Be patient and walk the point step by step.

If you require further clarification/support - let us know.



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SeanJones
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 03 Oct 2012, 02:15

Also, ensure that when you are writing self-forgiveness statements you are not writing from within reactions of emotions or feelings - wherein we tend to want to judge/blame ourselves for what happened in the past, etc.

how am I able to ensure that? sometimes I do self forgiveness out of reaction because I am reacting to the situation by forgiving myself and defusing the fuse that leads to an energy explosion.



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Anna
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Anna » 03 Oct 2012, 09:07

Also, ensure that when you are writing self-forgiveness statements you are not writing from within reactions of emotions or feelings - wherein we tend to want to judge/blame ourselves for what happened in the past, etc.

how am I able to ensure that? sometimes I do self forgiveness out of reaction because I am reacting to the situation by forgiving myself and defusing the fuse that leads to an energy explosion.
What is meant with that statement is to make sure that one does not for example write: "I forgive myself for being an asshole" - in which one's self-judgment would be included in the self-forgiveness-statement through which one is actually using the self-forgiveness to confirm one's self-judgment.

So it's cool to forgive yourself while you're reacting and let go of the reaction through speaking or writing self-forgiveness. I find when doing that, that in the beginning the self-forgiveness might be quite frantic and short but then as I let go of the energy, I can start opening up for what was actually going on and see how I in fact created the situation for myself.

Make sense?



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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 03 Oct 2012, 10:44

Yeah i think so. right now I am awake its 5 am. I started smoking weed for a little over a week after stopping for like 2 weeks. decided to stop. I am going to fuck myself over if I don't. I will not only have legal consequences but also personal. combine those and fuck. I have been communicating with my parents to move to my dads farm. that way I can distance myself from the enviroment I am in. today I am going to be taking care of court fines and getting my license straight. lol I just want to extract all the shit from my mind that is fucked up. I would like to think that the time I have spent writing and trying to change myself was not a waste of time and is not a waste of time. I am a bit conflicted right now because I like desteni and the goals and the people the dedication. I am curious about eternal life. I don't think I am the only one that wants to save themselves from a death were you just dissappeer. I don't see anyone talking about it on here. I would like to think that Bernard and Sunette have things figured out i feel sometimes that I am just following. I am still dealing with anxiety. I am prescibed a medicine that is habit forming and I don't use it to get high. I have abused it to try. it just makes you drunk feeling and not remember things. if I take it as prescribed it workes. the problem is. how am I ever going to be able to get off of the medicine if I don't find a way to deal with it without drugs or alcohol. I find myself getting caught up in moral polaritys were I see myself as better than others because I stop weed. I have been working on that. seeing people as people, seeing emotional and physical problems as what they are not attaching morality to the situation. I see how the mind controlles the world. how we collectively create this reality and how the mind or whatever you would like to call it is destructive. Seems like it is designed to be this way and also I have seen in others and first hand how accepting and allowing the mind to be the driving force in your life can cause self destruction, delusion, isolation, depression, anxiety. The thing that is intersting is the belief that you are in control of your mind. I think to a certain extent yes. I feel brainwashed, lol, in two ways, i feel brainwashed by my mind and desteni. I have found that being in a group that wants to 'save the world' find a solution for the madness here. I have found myself feeling better than others. if I am doing good example, have a job and am going to school, off drugs. so. I have some goals to get myself stable. workout everyday, eat healthy and thats kindof it. I am working on moving to my dads. so. that will be nice to be there. There is a feeling, that I want so bad. timelessness. I think its because when I was with my ex I sometimes felt this feeling of timelessness were I would not think about time and it was not relevant to me. hearing love songs is different now. The words. I understand the men and womens words talking about love and relationships. funny how i wish it never happened. being in a relationship. I wanted to experience love, to find a women to be my best friend and lover. I still react emotionally when I see her picture, i look at her and examine her face. I looked at her face almost every day, her expressions, manor isms, I try and hug myself in bed and rap my arms around myself, its not the same. well. im crying now. when I do self forgiveness sometimes I feel emotional about it. upset that I have done somthing and then forgive myself for it, I feel like there are times when I have done self forgiveness and its just words. I have repeated self forgiveness statements on specific things. Because I see myself continuing the behavior that I am forgiving myself for. well I would just delete this. there is no reason to. felt good to write. felt good to just let out what I was thinking and feeling.



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Maite
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Maite » 03 Oct 2012, 14:52

Hi Sean,

I noticed you've been posting in this thread more regularly over the past few days. Though, I suggest - after writing out what you've been experiencing, to pull it through to self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements. The reason is that if you simply write, you bring the points before you for a moment, but they are not released and not directed if you don't also write self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements. After a while, this leads to a 'building up' of experiences within self, where you'll then suddenly have a whole lot of points to deal with - as you experienced in this last post. It's like all the points are being tucked away in a box, shaken and then opened where it then seems like a 'daunting' task to identify the different points and sort them out, each individually.

So - a general suggestion is to accompany your daily writing with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements so that you don't accumulate the experiences of previous days within yourself - where eventually you have a whole 'collection' of stuff that is mulling around inside yourself, that then suddenly wants to 'come out' - because it requires your attention and direction. So - every day, let go of what you experienced that day, so that every day you start fresh and you're able to face the points of the following day.

I'll go through your post and give suggestions to the various points that you require to direct within yourself - however, take on one point at a time - don't try to work with them all at once.
I started smoking weed for a little over a week after stopping for like 2 weeks. decided to stop. I am going to fuck myself over if I don't. I will not only have legal consequences but also personal. combine those and fuck.
Here, I suggest investigating what thoughts/emotions/feelings 'tempted' you to start smoking weed again. In looking at these thoughts/emotions/feelings and writing about them, you'll be able to identify the underlying points that are generating the belief that you need/require to smoke weed. Once you've written about the thoughts/emotions/feelings and investigated the underlying points and you have everything laid out before you, take it through to self-forgiveness to let go of the past and self-corrective statements to assist yourself in directing yourself in moments where the same thoughts/emotions/feelings come up again.
I have been communicating with my parents to move to my dads farm. that way I can distance myself from the environment I am in.
Living on a farm is a cool way to become effective in the physical and grounding yourself in your body - especially if you participate in the daily tasks on a farm. However, I suggest you check your starting point within wanting to distance yourself from your current environment. Remember that the environment is a mirror of self and is therefore never really the problem. A difficult environment provides in that way a lot of opportunities for self to face self as self's 'buttons' will be pushed continuously - revealing the points within self that require alignment. Though, when one is not supporting oneself effectively yet within facing these points as they are revealed, then it will be experienced as though the environment is just too hard to be in and self will want to 'walk away' from the environment. But it is to realise that within walking away from the environment, self is actually trying to walk away from self, as you're actually facing yourself and not your environment, which is merely reflecting back to you who you are and what you're currently accepting and allowing to exist within yourself.

So - I'm not saying not to move to your dad's farm - but I suggest that you check your starting point: who you are within the decision to move away/why you are wanting to move. Because if the reason for the move is to hide from self, you'll be 'disappointed' in a way - because wherever you go, you take yourself with you. Whether you are in your current environment or on a farm somewhere, you'll be there and you'll still be facing yourself. In other words: you can't hide/run away from yourself. So - in relation to this point, I suggest checking your starting point and correcting it if necessary.
I am a bit conflicted right now because I like desteni and the goals and the people the dedication. I am curious about eternal life. I don't think I am the only one that wants to save themselves from a death were you just disappear. I don't see anyone talking about it on here. I would like to think that Bernard and Sunette have things figured out i feel sometimes that I am just following.
Understand that the point of process is not about eternal life. If you're walking your process from the starting point of wanting/desiring an eternal life, you're actually walking it from the starting point of fear of death. I suggest that it doesn't matter what happens to you at death/after death. You are here - on this world - right now - who are you going to be within that? Because we are here, we have an opportunity to correct what is here - that's what process is about: taking self-responsibility for ourselves and this world in its entirety. Even if the dimensions explain what happens after death, we can only create an idea about it. We can only really know/see/grasp what happens after death once we die - so, what do you know for sure about the afterlife? Is that you don't know anything about it and you can't know anything about it until you die. So, it's really not something relevant to concern yourself about. You're alive now, that's what's relevant.
I am still dealing with anxiety. I am prescibed a medicine that is habit forming and I don't use it to get high. I have abused it to try. it just makes you drunk feeling and not remember things. if I take it as prescribed it workes. the problem is. how am I ever going to be able to get off of the medicine if I don't find a way to deal with it without drugs or alcohol.
If anxiety is a problem that is affecting your life in a major way - I suggest utilising the medication as a bridge for now. In the meantime - assist and support yourself with writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to stop the pattern of participating in the anxiety character. As you see your anxiety lessens, you'll slowly but surely be able to go off the medicine, as it will simply not be a requirement anymore. So - you don't have to 'find' a way to deal with your anxiety - you already know how to do that, you already have all the tools - now it is a matter of applying the tools and remaining consistent within it.
I find myself getting caught up in moral polaritys were I see myself as better than others because I stop weed. I have been working on that. seeing people as people, seeing emotional and physical problems as what they are not attaching morality to the situation.
The mind works in polarities and will always try to find a way to place itself in the superior position and will find anything as a possible reason for why self is more than another. So - cool that you're working on it.
The thing that is intersting is the belief that you are in control of your mind. I think to a certain extent yes
Lol - no, at the moment we are not in control of our minds - consciousness is in total control of the world. The point is not to attempt to 'control' your mind - because then you're again trying to approach the point from a superiority/inferiority perspective - where you're trying to stand superior to the mind. It is to realise that, at the moment, we are our minds - equal and one - and thus, we are the problem and it is ourselves that we have to stop and re-create/re-birth into life. For more perspective on this point, I suggest investing in the following interview: http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-i-believ ... to-my-mind (Life Review - I Believed I Was Superior to my Mind).
I feel brainwashed, lol, in two ways, i feel brainwashed by my mind and desteni. I have found that being in a group that wants to 'save the world' find a solution for the madness here. I have found myself feeling better than others. if I am doing good example, have a job and am going to school, off drugs.
The point of feeling superior to others because of participating in desteni and your process is not a point of brainwashing that comes from Desteni/that Desteni did unto you - it still comes from your mind. It is your mind who is reacting to what you are doing and trying to make it into 'something more'.
so. I have some goals to get myself stable. workout everyday, eat healthy and thats kindof it.
Exercising and an appropriate diet can be a cool support - however, the best way to get yourself stable is through daily writing, including self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements. So, I suggest adding/incorporating this to your daily routine.
There is a feeling, that I want so bad. timelessness. I think its because when I was with my ex I sometimes felt this feeling of timelessness were I would not think about time and it was not relevant to me.
Within this statement you are separating yourself from timelesness and defining it within your ex/a partner/a relationship. Timelessness is simply - breathe in - I am here - breathe out - I am here.
hearing love songs is different now. The words. I understand the men and womens words talking about love and relationships. funny how i wish it never happened. being in a relationship. I wanted to experience love, to find a women to be my best friend and lover. I still react emotionally when I see her picture, i look at her and examine her face. I looked at her face almost every day, her expressions, manor isms, I try and hug myself in bed and rap my arms around myself, its not the same. well. im crying now.
Here, I suggest taking the time to write out all the unresolved points in relation to being in a relationship/wanting to be in a relationship and all the things you miss of this particular relationship you mention. Look at the thoughts/emotions/feelings that still come up in relation to it. Also - it's not to merely 'sum up' everything that you're still experiencing in terms of being in a relationship/wanting to be in a relationship/wanting to be with your ex - but to investigate what these points are revealing about your relationship with yourSELF. So, with every point that you miss, for instance - ask yourself the question: what does the fact that I miss this point reveal about me? Then write out what comes up. Then, when you've laid out all the points and you have brought all the points back to self in investigating what those points are revealing in terms of your self-relationship: apply self-forgiveness and write out self-corrective statements.
when I do self forgiveness sometimes I feel emotional about it. upset that I have done somthing and then forgive myself for it, I feel like there are times when I have done self forgiveness and its just words. I have repeated self forgiveness statements on specific things. Because I see myself continuing the behavior that I am forgiving myself for.
Firstly, understand that this process really is a process - meaning: it will take time to undo what we have been creating for such a long time. We've literally created our minds for our entire lifetime, and now we have to walk our life backwards in writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction. So - yes, you will find that it is hard to break old habits and this is necessary to test if you're standing is absolute or if there are still points that you're accepting and allowing. So - be patient with yourself. Every time you repeat a pattern that you had already forgiven, know that there are still points of self-interest that are compromising your stance. So, identify those points in writing, apply self-forgiveness, write self-corrective statements. If you find yourself getting 'stuck' in a pattern over and over and over again and you just can't see what points you're missing: ask for assistance - someone else may have a perspective that you haven't considered yet.

Secondly, if one continuously and deliberately ignores the forgiveness one has written and the self-commitments one has made - one is in fact abusing self-forgiveness and perpetuating self-distrust. In that case - address this point directly - investigating why self is sabotaging self in one's process deliberately in not pulling the realisations and self-forgiveness through to ACTION.

Understand that this process cannot be walked half-ways - we cannot choose to just write, or just forgive or just write commitment statements - this process includes and must include everything: Writing, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Corrective Action. If one is not walking a point through in all these applications - then one must ask oneself is one is really serious about walking this process FOR SELF - or if one is merely trying to feel better about certain aspects of self.

In terms of all the suggestions that were given in this post - as I suggested before - don't try to do it all at once, it won't work. I suggest, for each point where I suggested you investigate something or write about something, that you write a blog-post for each point individually - where you walk just that ONE point through from writing, to self-forgiveness to self-corrective/self-commitment statements.



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Anna
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Anna » 03 Oct 2012, 15:09

Understand that this process cannot be walked half-ways - we cannot choose to just write, or just forgive or just write commitment statements - this process includes and must include everything: Writing, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Corrective Action. If one is not walking a point through in all these applications - then one must ask oneself is one is really serious about walking this process FOR SELF - or if one is merely trying to feel better about certain aspects of self.
Very cool support here Maite. Thanks.



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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Marlen » 03 Oct 2012, 19:05

Thanks Maite! Very cool support here



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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby KimKline » 03 Oct 2012, 19:07

Hey Sean,

Your last post is quite cool in that you are bringing up relevent points in your life that require direction, that's the 'big' first step, which I'm sure you have taken many times- as this is a process of repetition and consistency, because we used repetition and consistency within creating ourselves, our patterns and habits in the first place. So now it is to be as consistent in your new application, wherein patience with yourself as you go through each point is necessary to just take it one point at a time while you walk through the consequences you've already created (such as what Maite suggested, as a build up of points).

So, just some further perspective in addition to the support given by Maite:
I have been communicating with my parents to move to my dads farm. that way I can distance myself from the enviroment I am in. today I am going to be taking care of court fines and getting my license straight. lol I just want to extract all the shit from my mind that is fucked up
You are directing your world, and that's awesome. I would definitely agree with Maite in terms of checking the starting point of your moving, as I have moved many times and have realized the hard way that you never really 'leave' anything behind, or 'distance' yourself from any problems or issues. But sometimes giving yourself some space or a change of scenery is cool to get a grip and focus on writing and applying yourself. So, definitely be aware of why it is you are moving, and how you are going to direct the thing self-honestly. But it's very cool that you are seeing all this stuff through (court fines, license, etc) and taking responsibility for it, as I know how easily this kind of stuff can literally 'take over' your life if it's left un-attended to.
I would like to think that the time I have spent writing and trying to change myself was not a waste of time and is not a waste of time.
lol! I have asked myself the same question! And the answer I always come back to is that IT NEVER IS (a waste). Because even if you're doing it all wrong, you're still learning. It's a process that we're learning, and we're bound to make mistakes. Bernard once said something along the lines of "I'd rather be one that falls many times than one that fails, because if I fall many times I show myself one thing: That I Will Not give up".
So really it's a matter of, how effective are you going to be? You have the tools, you know how to apply them, and you know how the mind will fuck with you if you don't apply them. So you can timeloop and learn over and over through consequences, or you can write, taking one point at a time, and start creating consequences that are beneficial to you. A good examlp of this is you taking care of your court fines and getting your license straightened out- you are taking physical action to create outflows which are beneficial to you, instead of letting it go to further consequence. This process of self-change is the same. you decide how effective you are going to be within it, as it.
I would like to think that Bernard and Sunette have things figured out i feel sometimes that I am just following.
Yes- it's cool to have Bernard and Sunette and EVERYONE on and off the farm that are living and walking as EXAMPLES of what is possible, not so much in 'figuring it all out', but in terms of handling/directing it as it comes. So, it's not to look at them as leaders to follow, but as examples of what you can become for yourself- how you actually CAN direct your life and world- and slowly but surely, learning to do so more and more in every moment. And you ARE doing it Sean, so don't be hard on yourself, intead, pick yourself up and dust yourself off when/as necessary. You're the only one that can do that for you.
I find myself getting caught up in moral polaritys were I see myself as better than others because I stop weed. I have been working on that. seeing people as people, seeing emotional and physical problems as what they are not attaching morality to the situation.
Yes- definitely need to stay humble and not take the 'moral high road'. Imagine everyone involved in this process suddenly 'looked down' on all those that were just starting out, and it would be unlikely that they would continue their own process or open themselves up to the assistance and support from them. It's all about oneness and equality, and seeing others as you/assisting and supporting them as you. So, I'm sure you would not have like being morally judged when you were smoking, but would have instead appreciated someone humbly supporting you to empower yourself to stop, which is what you can eventually do for others once you are stable within the point.

Keep it up Sean- you pushed yourself to write, now see it through with the self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application.



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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 04 Oct 2012, 02:54

Thanks for all of the responses. I pretty much let myself rant. I decided to stop weed again. and have more to say about this but I have to cook!



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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 04 Oct 2012, 04:20

Ok. I have started to write down the things I am going to do before I go to sleep. that way I have some structure in my day. As far as weed goes. fuck. today is the second day I am off it and am doing fine I know I can continue with my decision. I am trying to think of what there is that still makes me want to smoke weed. I seem to get my points out into writing when I don't think and let the words flow. So with weed. I try to make myself feel better. I try and use it to help my anxiety. key word try. and in order for me to achieve the anxiety relieving effects I have to smoke allot. I see people that smoke pot as unique, different. I see many benifits in quiting or stopping whatever you want to call it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am better than people who smoke pot.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am missing out when others are smoking weed around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that smoking weed will benifit me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that no matter were or who I am with I make the decision weather or not I will smoke weed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no point in writing this right now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use depression as an excuse or justification to smoke weed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my feelings of missing my ex and wanting to see/talk to her as an excuse to smoke weed and do drugs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use drugs to make myself feel better in that not realizing that I am going to bring myself down more than I already was before I smoked.

Ahhhhh so I really want to talk about missing my ex. I texted her asking if she wanted to talk somtime. and she said please stop texting me. I asked why. she said "because I want nothing to do with you. I don't want you in my life."
This girl is the first girl I have had a sexual relationship with. I was in a relationship with a girl before this when I was about 18 we were going to have sex, my best friend talked to her behind my back and talked shit about me and convinced her to date him. Talking about this, I have a really anxious feeling in my chest. I dont know were to start. I first took her out after meeting her at my job and getting her number. I waited a couple days to text her then asked if she wanted to hang out. We went and played pool. I was so nervous. I was so anxious. I had sweat stains on my armpits. we went and walked around after pool then i took her home. I hugged her and she looked like she wanted to kiss but I just hugged her. Fuck. this might be a long story. I went out with her for a year pretty much. I did not know her age untill after hanging out and getting to know her. i found out she was 16. I was hesitant to date her to start a relationship out of fear of what others would think fear of things not working out........ I did it anyways. we started going to my house and messing around in the bed, cuddling and eventually kissing, I taught her how to kiss. Then eventually we had sex, it was her first time, I cannot remember it very well. We got high in my garage, were hanging out and she did not have to go home so she wanted to try it. we got high, she got really really high, and we went inside got in our underwear and one thing led to the next and we were having sex. I remember that I felt more connected with her afterwords. that is somthing I miss is the feeling of being connected to somone. also knowing that I am wanted, that somone wants me and thinks I am better than I think I am. I began to become attatched. at the same time I was detatched because I was smoking weed. I wanted to be like her, she inspired me like I have not been before. well. someone just called me and wants to come over, sounded sad. so I am going to have to return to this once he comes over. i don't really want to be crying or anything when he gets here. writing this is causing me to cry. then again. I cry quite a bit. when talking about my issues and points and problems I get choked up and somtimes I just talk while crying because I would just sit there and breath. its like I have to get somthing out but when I say the words I wanted to say i wonder why I cryed about it. I saw that she is in highschool and making great grades and seeing that she is creating her future. I admired that she went to school every day and that she could be comfortable in school. She also pole vaults. one of her medals is sitting in front of me now. i told her i was going to throw it away along with her gym shorts she left here and an amethyst rock. I want to throw them away to forget, so that I don't have anything to remind me of her. I have made these objects special in my mind because she gave them to me. Will be nice to come back to this and apply self forgiveness. will start with some that I think would be good to start with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my relationship with x in order to remember the feelings and emotions I had that I considered good and great so that I can chase the same feelings with another women in another relationship.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in me wanting to be like x I am ignoring the fact that I can get to a point were I am participating in school and sports/clubs and am comfortable in school.
ok. will be back.




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