Sean's writing self to freedom

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SeanJones
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 04 Oct 2012, 18:59

alright just woke up someone called me looking for weed. lol. funny thing is it did not bother me and i am glad he called because it woke me up and I would have slept for a while. I have been writing a list of things to do before I go to bed. It has really been helping me to actually do the things I want to get done during the day, it allows me to physically see the things I need to do and so that I do not think about all the things I have to do and become overwhelmed. so yeah. I have decided to work out everyday. to improve my physical and mental health as far as mental health I enjoy the feeling of pushing myself past what I think I can do. its fun. and I have been working out by myself proving to myself that I am capable and that I can do the things I want and the things I don't want that are nessesary to bring about certain concequences that I want. so. cool. I have to find a job so I can start making an income. right now I am dependant on my parents. and will be untill I find a job that pays high enough for me to support myself. so. that is my goal right now. to become independant finanacially and to go to school, I don't thing i will be able to do that for a while, i have to take the steps to get there though.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting a job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having anxiety while looking for jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself and to take things seriously to often.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I create my concequences
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that for every decicion I make there is a concequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define concequence as somthing bad that happens as an outflow of a situation.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that a concequence is just a word that is not good or bad.

I am off to go into town.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I deserve more than min wage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is bullshit that the wages are so low.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the future and to worry about the future because of fear of not having money.



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KimKline
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby KimKline » 04 Oct 2012, 20:33

Ahhhhh so I really want to talk about missing my ex. I texted her asking if she wanted to talk somtime. and she said please stop texting me. I asked why. she said "because I want nothing to do with you. I don't want you in my life."
This girl is the first girl I have had a sexual relationship with. I was in a relationship with a girl before this when I was about 18 we were going to have sex, my best friend talked to her behind my back and talked shit about me and convinced her to date him. Talking about this, I have a really anxious feeling in my chest. I dont know were to start. I first took her out after meeting her at my job and getting her number. I waited a couple days to text her then asked if she wanted to hang out. We went and played pool. I was so nervous. I was so anxious. I had sweat stains on my armpits. we went and walked around after pool then i took her home. I hugged her and she looked like she wanted to kiss but I just hugged her. Fuck. this might be a long story. I went out with her for a year pretty much. I did not know her age untill after hanging out and getting to know her. i found out she was 16. I was hesitant to date her to start a relationship out of fear of what others would think fear of things not working out........ I did it anyways. we started going to my house and messing around in the bed, cuddling and eventually kissing, I taught her how to kiss. Then eventually we had sex, it was her first time, I cannot remember it very well. We got high in my garage, were hanging out and she did not have to go home so she wanted to try it. we got high, she got really really high, and we went inside got in our underwear and one thing led to the next and we were having sex. I remember that I felt more connected with her afterwords. that is somthing I miss is the feeling of being connected to somone. also knowing that I am wanted, that somone wants me and thinks I am better than I think I am. I began to become attatched. at the same time I was detatched because I was smoking weed. I wanted to be like her, she inspired me like I have not been before. well. someone just called me and wants to come over, sounded sad. so I am going to have to return to this once he comes over. i don't really want to be crying or anything when he gets here. writing this is causing me to cry. then again. I cry quite a bit. when talking about my issues and points and problems I get choked up and somtimes I just talk while crying because I would just sit there and breath. its like I have to get somthing out but when I say the words I wanted to say i wonder why I cryed about it. I saw that she is in highschool and making great grades and seeing that she is creating her future. I admired that she went to school every day and that she could be comfortable in school. She also pole vaults. one of her medals is sitting in front of me now. i told her i was going to throw it away along with her gym shorts she left here and an amethyst rock. I want to throw them away to forget, so that I don't have anything to remind me of her. I have made these objects special in my mind because she gave them to me. Will be nice to come back to this and apply self forgiveness. will start with some that I think would be good to start with.
Sean- it would be cool to walk through this paragraph, sentance by sentance with self-forgiveness. If this came up and you had reactions to it, then it would be really cool for you look into it. Also to 'let it go' so to speak, as it seems you are carrying it around with you and you will fall back into these patterns so long as you accept/allow these patterns to exist within/as you. For example, placing girls on pedestals instead of as your equal, losing yourself in the emotions anf feelings of love and relationships, wherein the good feelings seem so real, but look- you were not in a relationship of oneness and equality with this girl. You held/hold her above yourself which then justifies all the polarity experiences of self-hatred, self-pity, self-belittlement. If you want to stabilize yourself, realize you have to let go of both ends of the polarity- the 'good' and the 'bad', and realize that it was/is all self-compromise. I'll tell you from experience, that the realness that comes from the self-responsibility of/as equality and oneness, in the moments where I let go of the energetic highs and lows of 'love'-based reactions of the mind with my partner, were/are a whole new kind of interaction that shatters the illusions of emotionally-charged 'love' as the smoke and mirrors it all is- It's not real, it's only hiding fear. It can feel like ecstasy, but just like the drug- it's not real, it's not reality, it's not worth it. So, what of you do you fear facing, that you are hiding from facing within this relationship to this girl?

Here are some videos from the Love Campaign, where it is explained that real love is loving all life equally.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJawKZiz ... =youtu.be- Maya- How to Choose a Partner

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lp-7jbC ... re=related - Marlen - Love is a Drug



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Maite
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Maite » 06 Oct 2012, 12:30

I agree with Kim - this point of your past relationship is having a big influence on your current experience of yourself - so even if writing it all out gave you a sense of relief - it still requires to be walked through in self-forgiveness.



Fidelisspies
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Fidelisspies » 06 Oct 2012, 16:48

Yes -
your past relationship is having a big influence on your current experience of yourself
As Maite said - still need to walk the self forgiveness and corrective statements. Otherwise it will have a hold on you and direct your life and choices.



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Maite
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Maite » 20 Oct 2012, 22:43

Hi Sean, let us know if you'd like some additional perspective on the points mentioned by Kim, Fidelis and myself - or if you'd like assistance within the walking of self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements on past relationships.



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SeanJones
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 27 Nov 2012, 04:46

Hi Sean, let us know if you'd like some additional perspective on the points mentioned by Kim, Fidelis and myself - or if you'd like assistance within the walking of self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements on past relationships.
I would love some assistance on walking the self forgiveness and self corrective statements on past relationships. I still have memories pop into my head quite often of my ex and its really not enjoyable or productive in any way. Its been a while since I have been on the forum or even contacted anyone from here or desteni. I wanted to do my own thing and just be a 'normal person', what I have found out in detaching myself from writing and the group is that there is no 'normal people' and that things are getting worse in the world every single day. I find myself to be at conflict with the idea of the portal and weather or not it is real, this conflict was one of the main reasons why I started doing my own thing. I started reasearching into occultism and the satanist philosophy. It was interesting to hear satanists perspective on equality, they do not believe that humans are equal and that there is always going to be rulers and slaves type of world. I also did not know that there are actually people that practice magick and rituals and all kinds of weird shit. I think that allot of younger people are going to turn to satanism and other occult time religions as time progresses because there are so many people that consider themselves as non-spiritual but at the same time are looking for somthing so that they can understand how the world works and why things are the way they are and also there is a temptation element to it as well were you see the powerfull famous rich people that are involved in the occult or satanism. I think with the internet the information is available to young people in a way it never has been. So. I was actually considering following the crowley philosophy but the problem with all of these things is they only benifit me and that is not what I want. Still I am at conflict with the idea of the portal and accepting that it is real. I was actually talking to a friend last night about sacretes the philosopher and he was telling me about the cave allegory, well more like walking me through it. I bring it up because its very interesting to me, we are in this box (our senses) that limits our perception and if we unfold the box we can not actually imagine what outside of the box is like because we have been within the box our whole lives and trust that the box is real. So according to that the portal could be real it could not be real, from the research I have done I at one point believed it is real now I just don't know. There is so much conflicting information in the world its rediculus.



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Anna
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Anna » 27 Nov 2012, 11:17

I would love some assistance on walking the self forgiveness and self corrective statements on past relationships. I still have memories pop into my head quite often of my ex and its really not enjoyable or productive in any way.
There's really no difference between applying self-forgiveness on past relationships or anything else, because basically what we're living in/through/as the mind IS the past, as all thoughts/backchats/experiences that come up are based on the past. So the difference can simply be in the intensity or the frequency of the experience or for example here where you are experiencing certain memories popping out.

So it is simply to 'jump into it' from one end to another - for example starting with:

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as going into an emotional experience when and as I see memories of a past relationships popping up, through which I'd validate the memories as real and thus make them more within and as myself through deliberately participate within and as them."

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torture myself with memories through accepting and allowing myself to participate within the memories and react to them and define myself here according to them, where all I become is that memory, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no practical reason to participate in memories or to reminisce about the past and that I am in fact only abusing myself and disregarding myself here."

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I participate in the memories and let myself sink into them and react to them with generating emotional experiences within myself, I can go back to the past and change it - even though I know that this is not possible and that I am in fact abusing myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way I can sort this point out, is by in fact allowing myself to let go of the past and start anew here, beginning with simply not participating or reacting when and as the memories pop up"

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in memories that pop up of a past relationship, where I'll literally reminisce and dwell in the past and because of this will separate myself from myself here and from what is here where I in fact live in the past instead of live here, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what is done is done and that I cannot go back to the past and that what I am able to change is my experience of myself here."

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship within myself towards a past relationship where I experience that I've lost a part of myself in/to that past relationship where I'd deliberately participate in memories so as to attempt to get back that which I believe that I have lost, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was here all along and that I in this relationship separated myself from myself and projected parts of myself onto the relationship and onto another human being, which is why I now believe that a part of me is lost and can only be regained by getting back into that relationship - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have the opportunity here to develop and embrace that within and as myself which I had projected onto the relationship/another and as such that by constantly reminiscing over what I believe to be lost, I am not in fact giving myself the opportunity to get to know myself and realize that that which I sought in another was actually in and as me all along."

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the way the mind functions is based on memories that we create relationships towards, through separating parts of ourselves into and as these memories and relationships where we'll literally live and exist in the past through/as/within our minds, where we'll disregard what is here in and as the physical and ourselves here, so as to make sure that we remain existent as the mind and do not step out of the programs within which we're holding ourselves in and as the mind - and that it is therefore that these memories constantly pop up: it is a function of the mind that works based on my participation and investment of myself in the past through the relationships I've created to the past - where I in fact don't want to let go.

"I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason the memories have a hold on me as I would experience it, is in fact because I don't want to let go of the past, because I still hope that I can get back to the past - instead of assisting and supporting myself to see that what is done is done and the only point I can change: is myself here."

"I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the memories will not go away and that it is up to me to actively and directively step in and assist and support myself through stopping my reactions towards the memories and to stop participating in the memories."

So you can simply take it as such from one end to another - and then prescribe self-commitment and self-corrective statements for yourself for example in terms of assisting and supporting yourself to stop participating in the memories.

I have experienced this extensively towards a point in the past that I experienced regret towards, where I was holding onto the past instead of letting it go and it was like literal daily torture where I would sink completely into these memories and drown myself in them - deliberately. I eventually realized that this was absolutely pointless and that I was only abusing myself and so I simply started stopping participating in the memories and the experiences towards them, so every time the memory would pop up, I'd have that understanding of "I know where this is going and it's pointless" so I simply stopped and moved my attention away and slowly but surely the intensity started dissipating and so when the memories come up now I can much more easily simply stop.
I find myself to be at conflict with the idea of the portal and weather or not it is real, this conflict was one of the main reasons why I started doing my own thing. I started reasearching into occultism and the satanist philosophy. It was interesting to hear satanists perspective on equality, they do not believe that humans are equal and that there is always going to be rulers and slaves type of world. I also did not know that there are actually people that practice magick and rituals and all kinds of weird shit. I think that allot of younger people are going to turn to satanism and other occult time religions as time progresses because there are so many people that consider themselves as non-spiritual but at the same time are looking for somthing so that they can understand how the world works and why things are the way they are and also there is a temptation element to it as well were you see the powerfull famous rich people that are involved in the occult or satanism. I think with the internet the information is available to young people in a way it never has been. So. I was actually considering following the crowley philosophy but the problem with all of these things is they only benifit me and that is not what I want. Still I am at conflict with the idea of the portal and accepting that it is real. I was actually talking to a friend last night about sacretes the philosopher and he was telling me about the cave allegory, well more like walking me through it. I bring it up because its very interesting to me, we are in this box (our senses) that limits our perception and if we unfold the box we can not actually imagine what outside of the box is like because we have been within the box our whole lives and trust that the box is real. So according to that the portal could be real it could not be real, from the research I have done I at one point believed it is real now I just don't know. There is so much conflicting information in the world its rediculus.
With regards to this point with the portal - I suggest having a look at if this 'doubt' is something you use inside yourself as an excuse and justification for not actually applying yourself FOR yourself. Because in the end - does it matter where the information comes from? Why is the portal the 'breaking point' for you to decide whether or not to apply and change yourself? So I suggest that this is a point to look at for yourself in self-honesty. Because there's a reason you keep coming back, which is that you see and understand - and have tested for yourself - that the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective application works and is effective towards changing oneself. Whether or not the portal is real is from this perspective irrelevant and I'd suggest to have a look at how you're creating and using that doubt within yourself deliberately to not have to face yourself.

I'd say that the next step here Sean, is to start applying self-forgiveness. You got the tools. You got the support. The rest is up to you.

I suggest signing up for the FREE Desteni I Process Lite course. Because within that you'll be able to write yourself out in a supportive structure with the support from a buddy. In many of the assignments you can decide for yourself what to write about, so that is a cool opportunity to walk this point of the past relationship in a structured way.



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Rebecca Dalmas
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Rebecca Dalmas » 27 Nov 2012, 15:45

Enjoyed reading these posts. Thanks.
I find myself, at times going into knowledge and information for entertainment under the guise of doubt, and I have to stop and breath, take myself back to being here in all humbleness, which in contrast to what I have accepted and allowed as mind as energy, is seemingly 'boring" yet the alternative is unacceptable, just as you so well described as the state of addiction in your earlier posts. Thanks.
When a "what if" comes up I have to stop and realize I am living out an idea within a want, need and desire as a belief that something is lacking, which is myself abdicating self direction and thus "here."



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Johnathan
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Johnathan » 27 Nov 2012, 18:52

I would love some assistance on walking the self forgiveness and self corrective statements on past relationships. I still have memories pop into my head quite often of my ex and its really not enjoyable or productive in any way. Its been a while since I have been on the forum or even contacted anyone from here or desteni. I wanted to do my own thing and just be a 'normal person', what I have found out in detaching myself from writing and the group is that there is no 'normal people' and that things are getting worse in the world every single day. I find myself to be at conflict with the idea of the portal and weather or not it is real, this conflict was one of the main reasons why I started doing my own thing. I started reasearching into occultism and the satanist philosophy. It was interesting to hear satanists perspective on equality, they do not believe that humans are equal and that there is always going to be rulers and slaves type of world. I also did not know that there are actually people that practice magick and rituals and all kinds of weird shit. I think that allot of younger people are going to turn to satanism and other occult time religions as time progresses because there are so many people that consider themselves as non-spiritual but at the same time are looking for somthing so that they can understand how the world works and why things are the way they are and also there is a temptation element to it as well were you see the powerfull famous rich people that are involved in the occult or satanism. I think with the internet the information is available to young people in a way it never has been. So. I was actually considering following the crowley philosophy but the problem with all of these things is they only benifit me and that is not what I want. Still I am at conflict with the idea of the portal and accepting that it is real. I was actually talking to a friend last night about sacretes the philosopher and he was telling me about the cave allegory, well more like walking me through it. I bring it up because its very interesting to me, we are in this box (our senses) that limits our perception and if we unfold the box we can not actually imagine what outside of the box is like because we have been within the box our whole lives and trust that the box is real. So according to that the portal could be real it could not be real, from the research I have done I at one point believed it is real now I just don't know. There is so much conflicting information in the world its rediculus.
Sean, You know the tools of SF and writing works so does it really matter if the portal is real or not?



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SeanJones
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 11 May 2013, 17:47

Hi everyone. Just want to stop by and say hi and see if anyone reads this. I am in north Carolina at a sober living home with 9 other guys. I am going to live here for the next 6 months. I got pretty crazy and needed to go somewhere safe and get myself together. In 2012 I had 2 suicide attempts that landed me in 2 different phyc wards and almost dieing both times. I got to experience some really crazy shit and found myself asking "do I really belong here". This group of people and websites forum youtube videos all that the desteni group is involved in never left my mind. It is like something I cannot unlearn and sometimes it makes me feel crazy. I found myself curious of how the group has progressed and how everyone is doing. I got myself into quite a bit of legal and family trouble during the last times i was using drugs. I ended up stealing from my mom all the time and even though I am on probation for a minor possession charge and legally cannot use due to drug testing I continued untill I moved to nothern viginia a very very rural part of virginia with no car or transportation. I stopped drugs. But I went psychotic, and tryed to kill myself twice. So after driving my dads girlfriends car to the hospital and getting a felony charge for that I spilled my guts to the doctor and told him everything about my drug use how I had 60 10 mg oxycodone and they were gone in 4 days, My history of suicide attempts and everything. So from there I went to a treatment facility in galax, VA and got clean, spent 28 days there and decided if I really wanted to stay clean I needed to go to a kind of halfway house where I can be monitored further and get a job and start overcoming some of my personal shit. Like anxiety and depression. The two main things I am dealing with. I was on medication for anxiety a benzodiazepine called klonopin taking a low dose. I stopped it more than a week ago and I have been doing better with the anxiety I have been going to these Narcotics anonymous meetings where its a bunch of drug addicts getting together helping support each other to stay clean. Just going to a place where there is a group of people has been helping. I really don't know about the 12 steps they preach and if I am willing to do them. They have to do with spirituality and giving up your will to a higher power. Also admitting that your powerless. I don't think I can bring myself to believe that. I want to get back here on the forum. I have internet access and have seen how I can change myself. I have been in this place I am at for a month, its not bad, all food is provided through a local non-profit organization that supports other non-profits. I am interested if anyone here has herd of nurofeedback and if anyone has expeienced it or not. I am seeing a psychologist and she is doing some sort of mapping of the electrical signals my brain is sending. Idk. My hope for this place is for me to get a job and to start working towards getting my CNA license and working in the medical field. I feel like its where i belong due to my amount of time spent in hospitals and institutions. I hope to hear from someone. Glad to see this forum is still here, if someone asked me what I have faith in its this group. I believe that the people in this group want a better world and to be better themselves and that matters to me. Glad my login name still works :)




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