Im writing this because I want to change myself. I want to just lay out a brief post. I am clean from drugs for 15 days now. I used at the halfway house I am at and got sent to a treatment center for 14 days to stabilize. I am smoking cigarettes again. I am going to narcotics anonymous meetings everyday now to be around people who have quit using drugs and have stayed clean for very long periods of time/ lifetimes clean. I am sad allot of the time. I feel like I wreck because I am having to deal with my fear of people and anxiety in social settings. Not on any medications at this point. I feel like I am going to be insane for the rest of my life if I do not come on here or write with some sort of structure and use self forgiveness and self correction. Having some mental breakdowns where I feel like I no longer want to exist, but when not in that state of mind/mood I do want to and have great expectations for myself for my life here. I feel like I am a failure and really have nothing I am at square one with this process, that's how it feels. This is the first group/only group where I have felt like I truly belong because of the fact I feel no judgement towards my state of being and an acceptance for who I am in this moment and a knowing in the group consciousness or whatever that I can change. I still feel like I don't understand this process completely, I regret not connecting more with the group and really pushing myself to ask questions as much as I need to. I began to believe this is a cult, that was very scary. I realize that no matter what allot of the time any group of people can be seen from the perspective of being a cult. From what I have seen from personal experience the people that are involved here want the best and most likely I can almost garente there is another person that shares a common experience to me here. I am so scared of what people think its rediculas and I don't want to be like I am now. I definitely have had selfish motives here and am sure I still do, unfortunately thats how I think, always looking out for me fuck everyone and thing else. It is like a survival instinct. I realize that I am insane and that is not cool not at all. I think that I can return to some sort of sanity though. I always say im going to do somthing and don't follow through, most of the time due to me excusing myself because of social anxiety, because my hands get really sweaty and my armpits sweat allot and feel constantly nervous and feel like I have to hide myself from people. Hide who I want to be, what I am doing. I don't want to live like that, I want to connect with people and be comfortable in my own skin. I remember now that when I was on here before I stopped posting regularly I was attending community college for the first time and dropped out because I would sweat so bad in class I was so embarassed I cryed to my english teacher that I didn't even know. Then I started smoking weed again and got a girlfriend everything got fucked up after that and I was in that relationship for a year and all I did was fuck and smoke weed for a year, and discovered I had colon cancer, had 8 inches of my colon removed and that freaked the fuck out of me and it still does. Im scared to have it come back. So excuse my rant. I really needed to vent. I hope I can get somewhere with all of this. I open to suggestion, I would really appreciate any suggestion on where to start at this point, Because I have no clue. I feel like its tooooooo much.