Sean's writing self to freedom

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Anna
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Anna » 11 Sep 2012, 08:23

Cool support here.

Glad you're back Sean.

A point to consider in relation to the addiction: I fought with my addiction to weed for over 10 years. I wowed to stop, threw it out, picked it up again, felt guilty, wanted do, did not want to, moved myself away, went back, spent all my money, smoked some more - and on and on and on and on. All the while I was completely preoccupied with focusing on the weed, "the weed is bad, I should not smoke, I must stop, but I don't want to, everyone else does it, it feels so good, but I fear stopping..." so actually I used the weed as an excuse and as a scapegoat. And if you have a look: it's the same point you've been cycling.

So my suggestion is to stop focusing on fighting with the weed addiction as something separate from you and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application bring yourself to an understand that it's about who YOU are. Realize that in fighting with the weed addiction, you're deliberately creating friction and inner conflict within yourself and are focusing on something 'outside' (like weed) as 'the problem' - when in fact it's about yourself. As long as you focus on the weed being the problem, instead of bringing it back to yourself and take responsibility for how you create you through participating in the mind - the weed's gonna be a problem.

I only stopped once I made the decision to stop FOR ME - not because 'weed is bad' but because I could see that I'd made myself addicted to something that I did not require to physically sustain myself and that had severe consequences for my participation in the world an in myself.

So - suggest to stop fighting with the weed in your mind and to simply stop participating in thoughts and accepting what they show you as real. Breathe. Write. Forgive yourself.



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SeanJones
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 12 Sep 2012, 18:00

Hi Sean

First point to consider and remind ourselves about: you’re coming here to support yourself and that’s cool. This means that you can take what you have written out here and expand more on each point, how it is that you went into the entire relationship point, ‘falling’ in love and then out of it to lead yourself to a deliberate point of not caring about yourself/wanting to be 'offed' which is a common way to believe there is a 'way out' in this reality, while there is Non whatsoever.

What you’ve gone through is certainly not the end of the world, really, we all have had such moments/ experiences at some point in our lives. However you are aware of the tools to support yourself and as such, you can begin writing again to stabilize yourself. What you are going through is nothing else but a regular ‘mind breakdown’ which is experienced when we accept and allow ourselves to believe we are those feelings that then turn into emotions and all of it can only exist if we still believe those feelings and emotions to be real, without realizing how we are the ones making them ‘real’ the moment that we act/ make decisions based on such experiences.

As you can see, you can only lead yourself to further perdition if you decide to continue like that – it’s definitely not necessary and an actual point of self-abuse you can only take self responsibility for. Realize that thoughts like ‘wanting to be happy’ is what has paved the road to hell in this world – take a moment to see the ‘greater picture’ and how many beings are going through the same situations you are, all self created, all in the name of seeking such ‘happiness’ moment in separation of yourself – and this applies for anything else like weed and any other temporary way to not face yourself.

So, the decision to do so – facing yourself – can only be done by you. You can either decide to Live to commit yourself to life, to honor yourself and actually take self responsibility for everything that you currently exist as and make this life an living reality, or not. Here, the suggestion is obvious: you’ve had your experiences, you can assist and support yourself to actually walk the necessary process to take responsibility for your creation and walk the creation – this is not ‘the end’ even if it may seem pretty bleak at times, we can only decide what we do, what we live and how we live it.

So, in self honesty, you can walk the process of taking responsibility for all you created for you and your reality and then, share your journey as that’s what we are here for: supporting ourselves and each other to Live and forgive all the mind possessions that only existed in the name of self interest, believing ourselves to be such desires, such thoughts, such feelings in fact, without realizing that: we created the entire experience = we take responsibility for it.

Cool you’ve decided to come to the forum again, let’s walk the points here, share for further perspectives. Realize that you are the only one that can make the decision of what you live and how you live it from here on.

Breathe, assist and support yourself physically as well - you know the tools, so let's walk them here.
THanks marlen. crying right now. just the thought of my ex girlfriend. man. Realize that you are the only one that can make the decision of what you live and how you live it from here on. yeah. that is a fact. going to pilates class and then going up to visit my dad. I will have plenty of time for self reflection. so. its up to me. im seeing a phycologist. and... idk. i feel like it is just a part of the mind game. ok. bye for now.



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Anna
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Anna » 12 Sep 2012, 18:02

Cool Sean.




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SeanJones
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 18 Sep 2012, 18:18

Just woke up. Feeling a bit depressed. day 8 of no weed. I am taking an anxiety medication still though. And right now am in the process of getting off it. It is not easy because I really do have bad anxiety and it manifests as sweaty palms and armpits and really bad nervosness and shyness. I know that I can overcome it though. So I want to just write. see what comes up. well. somthing is already up. I find myself looking for love. looking for relationship possabilitys. That love i am searching for is just a part of the sex/relationship shit that is programmed into us for survival. I still wish I could be with my ex. I cannot lie. saying that made me cry. I think because I know it will never happen. I fell deep in love to the point were I thought I was going to be with her the rest of my life. obviously she did not feel the same way. She wanted to loose her virginity. and I was the dick to do it. We had a very sexual relationship. The thing that really caused us to drift apart was me using drugs. because she thought that I thought the drugs were more important than her, she also met another guy before we broke up that fell in love with her in like a month. This guy has a career already and does not do drugs. so its obvious why she choose him. she wants security. to feel like she is the most important thing in the mans life. It bothered me how she went from me to him. and when she had sex with him for the first time told her friend I have a small dick. and he told me. while the whole time were going out it, oh seans dicks is so big, oh seans dick is amazing. I admit it bothered me. not really the dick thing. just to know that they had sex. that was like the icing on the cake, letting me know its over, for good. im sittting here crying about it. and she wont even talk to me at all. nothing. its like she died. and she was my best friend. I hid my drug use because i was extreemly ashamed. I am not legally allowed to smoke it because I am on probation for getting caught with weed. and so when I would say i stopped to her I didn't. I spent so much money on the drugs. So she saw what I was willing to do for the drugs. drive far away and spend lots of money. and she i think was jelous of it. she thought he will do that for drugs but not for me. I have never fell in love like this. this was my longest relationship with a girl. and it ended very suddenly. She found a new guy. while we were dating. a month before she broke up with me. saw the potential in the relationship with him and went with it. She was around all the time. We hung out all the time. I do wish that i could at least talk to her person to person so that I can just see her and talk to her. She blocked me on fb. When she broke up with me i broke down. I was telling her i would give her anything. all of my money. my ps3. anything to be back with her. and she had already moved on to the and attaching like a note to it. basically try to get her to fall back in love with me. done for now.



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SeanJones
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 18 Sep 2012, 19:10

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use entertainment to distract myself intentionally from what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use masturbation in the form of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am no longer in a relationship I cannot become as confident as I was while in one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out a relationship to get certain feelings and emotions to be evoked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in true love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not finding love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dress a certain way to try and get people to like me better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my clothing decisions to be based on what will make me more attractive to the opposite sex and accepted by others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsability for my feelings and emotions and thoughts and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to support myself physically to bring myself to a point were I am stable and can walk this process without creating unnessary bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what I create is bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for the decisions they make in there life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for decistions I have made in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on others and what I can do to change to be more accepted by others instead of focusing on myself and what is best for all.

Self corrective statement.
I commit myself to writing daily. weather it be on the forum here or on a blog or a hand written jornal. I commit myself to walk this with the group. I commit myself to stopping my mind, the thing that is destroying us personally and the world. The thing we accept and allow to. I commit myself to exersise daily weather it be walking or something more strenus. I commit myself to investigate any and all points of mind that I accept and allow to control my life in every aspect. I commit myself to focus on here what is here the physical and using it as support. I am done for now. I am tired. my sleep schedule has been a bit screwy because of quitting the weed. I woke up around 11 today which is cool. I can go to sleep now or I can support myself by staying awake and doing stuff. I know if I go to sleep i will probably have trouble sleeping tonight. So. bye now.



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Anna
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Anna » 18 Sep 2012, 19:36

HI Sean. Thanks for sharing.

Ending relationships can be 'heart wrenching' because we've literally 'invested' ourselves in and as the relationship where it is like for those few moments (weeks, months or years) we become completely consumed by being in a relationship, where it is like nothing else exists - not even self. And then when the relationship ends, it can feel like a part of oneself is missing. However - a point to consider is that what we're looking for and yearning for in relationships - is in fact ourselves. And so when we experience that we 'get it' through being with someone that represents that which we don't see/accept in ourselves, that is what will feel 'lost' when the relationship ends.

So - suggest to write out this relationship for yourself, find out what it is of/as yourself that you've separated yourself from and then made yourself believe that you could only get outside of yourself in a relationship. And then bring that back to yourself - whether it is love or security or self-expression. Equalize yourself in/as that and start living it. Because what happens in relationships is that we'll then simply go to the next relationship and the next and the next without ever actually and in fact finding that which we're looking for, but in fleeting moments of 'romance' and 'falling in love'.

Also - I suggest to as you write yourself out, decide on a point to write about and then walk that through, one point at a time. Utilize the moment of writing to develop a relationship with/within yourself of self-integrity and support where you direct your writing to in fact walk through and let go of the shit within - so that the writing not becomes a 'trap' where one simply confirm one's experiences and 'leave them hanging' without in fact directing them so that one can change oneself.

with the point of stopping weed and the experiences you're going through - suggest to focus on being Gentle with yourself - so practically as you participate in your day, you keep it simple, do things that are comfortable for your physical like taking a shower, moving slowly, like embracing yourself as you move about your day.

HUG



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SeanJones
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 18 Sep 2012, 19:46

So I could have gone to sleep right after posting that but got up and cooked a bunch of eggs and am glad i did. :)



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SeanJones
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby SeanJones » 18 Sep 2012, 20:28

When Iwas in the relationship with my ex. I felt like she was helping me be more social and expressive. I felt like she was helping with my anxiety. which she was. I found allot of release of anxiety through having sex. after I would feel so good and happy and felt like doing anything going out to see a movie go play in a field. I felt quite care free after sex. I felt like she was helping me become more successfull in life. which in reality she was not. I was using her. i mean thats basically what it was. we were using eachother for our own personal gains. she was very insecure about her body and thought of herself to not be attractive. I made her feel attractive and eventually convinced myself she was beautiful which was when I was deep in love with her. I think I still find her to be beautiful. I wish i had the men in black memory flasher thingy. just one flash. erase. erase the past year. I saw in her many things I wish I had myself. Self confidence. persistance.She is motivated. likes to be around people and had like zero anxiety. that I admired. I wished it for myself and saw that I was less anxious while in the relationship, but it was because I was lieing to myself and not facing my own reality pushging it into the background .she did not use drugs. She was well spoken in public. She was in school and a good student. She has friends, runs track. So. I saw these things and thought that I would be able to become how she was by being in a relationship with her. but you cant just fuck someone and have all of there good traits transfered over to you lol.

So the things I want to be myself are. confident, no anxiety, friends, consistancy, persistance, able to meet new people with ease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out a perfect relationship without realizing that within that I am ignoring the relationship I have created with myself and changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be in a relationship in order to be/become that which I see missing within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be consistant.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be persistant.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to find respect for myself and my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out a relationship so that I can ignore what I have created as myself.

I commit myself to write out this point of relationships and to respect myself and allow myself to not be hard on myself.



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Leila
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Re: Sean's writing self to freedom

Postby Leila » 18 Sep 2012, 22:46

Cool that you were able to reflect the points you liked within her back to yourself and open yourself to up to embrace them as you




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