Jessica Smith's Writings

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JessicaSmith
Posts: 333
Joined: 27 Jul 2011, 02:53

Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by JessicaSmith »

My Experiences With-Spirituality, Communication, and Escapism Oh, and Depression
A Variety Feast of Fuck Up :D

You see, I joined the New Age bandwagon to feel some sort of specialness and to apparently create some sort of 'excitement' or 'life' within my physical reality. Everyday continued to stay the same routine, just school and home, just work and 'insanity' and total fuck up. My family consists of the Christian Religion which is expected of me, but through questioning this deception of this physical manifested World the Ascension became prominent for about two years, possibly. Christianity, at least the concept that actually intrigued me was Jesus coming on a cloud and saving humanity upon our destruction of ourselves, and what I loved most about the New Age theme is the belief the Ascension which is God's creature of pure 'love and light' would ascend, magically, to the fourth dimension.

Ever since I was younger there was the automatic belief embedded within me that the Christian religion was correct, that's it. There was no questions, I absolutely put faith within that belief, WHY? There is no good answer within that self-created belief-system that if I believed in God, I would than be a 'good' person. The answer was because my Parents believed it so, my family. Now, I know that the people that surrounded me on a day to day basis that I call my 'family' weren't God crazed freaks that prayed every night, and went to Church consistently, they just simply believed in God. What I noticed through that belief-system is that Christians, and once myself believed in God because we didn't want to believe in ourselves, we didn't want to be responsible for the fuck up of this World. We thought that God would make all our problems eliminated by praying and keeping faith, when in 'reality' nothing was changing.

Praying.

Meditation.

Sermons.

All wonderful works of 'light' when really that only created more polarity and plus demons feeding on your emotions. When you have light there obviously must be darkness, see the equality? There is hardly any balance within and as this World. Regardless, I thought if I believed in God I shall go to Heaven, but all in all I thought I had to believe in God to be an apparent good person. If God was such the answer than why didn't anything change? Later, I started getting involved in Doomsday, and how 2012 was the apparent date the World was going to end, this I later saw was a form for me to cope through the fuck up of my distorted reality, and to not be in the moment as breathe, as life, and as self. I just wanted to escape. Create a construct to feed on, this led me to enter a Doomsday Cult, on the Internet of all places, it was quite a waste of 'time' now that I look back, although I was desperate for creating a place for where I can be me, and be away from this World. Later, that didn't work out because above all I found out it was only a fuck up which than I later gave into the New Age crap, and the whole 'Ascension' scenario. Thinking that I would ascend to the higher-planes, because I was an apparent bad ass that was invincible. I believed that ET races would come and save me from the fuck up I created from this World, WHY? Simply because I didn't think it was possible that I could be responsible for this World, plus I just wanted to feel special and away from this World. As though somehow being away from this World was created through my beliefs, it was the perfect fuck up.

Do you see the patterns here? A constant need of always trying to find answers outside myself through religion and spirituality, and relying on 'God' or some 'extra-terrestrials being' to save me from this Hell that I created through my reality. Now, I know that hell doesn't really exist, ALTHOUGH if there were the perfect place to say where hell is, that would be Earth, unconditionally. What is Hell to some? A place of burning torture, where you have to face all the catastrophes that you created in your incarnation. Well since that's the case Earth is nothing more than limited fucked up holes, and endless torture that we create through our delusions and deceptions of our mind-consciousness system.

Plus, we all will inevitably face ourselves and the fuck that we created through this World, so we can even say that when we die, the place we call a Heaven is hell as well...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'believe' in the Christian religion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'believe' in the Christian religion because my family did, thus I felt that was the 'truth.'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe in the deception that I was always told as a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually blame my Parents for what they have teached me as a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in 2012 Doomsday Prophecies because I didn't want to face anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face anything because not wanting to face anything within and as this World isn't facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even believe in the 2012 Doomsday Prophecies because my Grandma was so enticed with them as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always 'believe' what my family tells me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even believe in the Rapture, thinking that God was going to come upon this World, and save the 'good' people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the Rapture because the Bible says so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe unconditionally in the Bible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the Bible because I was always 'taught' the Bible is the infinite 'wisdom' within this World.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the Bible because I didn't think it was possible that someone would tamper with (White Light Construct) it and basically thinking that it only made since that God existed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a New Ager because I wanted to be special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be special because of my ego and wanting to be some sort of bad ass.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'believe' in the Ascension because I didn't want to face reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reality because I was afraid I would see someone I didn't want to see, me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the whole Ascension knowledge as some sort of higher truth thus thinking I was some apparent God or something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ego because I wanted to become important.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to meditate and believe in chakras.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to meditate because I wanted to reach some sort of 'higher-consciousness' so I could be deemed as special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in chakras which are just limited forms of 'energy centers' that don't even exist because energy doesn't even exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in Astral Projection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in Astral Projection because I didn't realize that it was just a mind-manifestation thus it wasn't 'real.'
I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to always look for 'truth' outside myself, never seeing what was already apparent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always look for 'truth' outside myself because I forgotten that I'm 'here.'

Which you can't really forget something that has already remained, just using distraction through limited forms of this World, and always trying to be busy. Busy for what? Occupying myself of something always outside myself thus distancing myself away from myself, and being remained through the mind-consciousness system which is merely meaningless. I'm aware at this current time that is all what I have done here on this Planet. Occupied myself through meaningless means of life, and walking around like a zombie. Merely brain dead of my existence and life, and what's actually happening on this Planet.

Most of my life, I have never really been honest, not really. Most of the time I'm a mute that keeps everything to myself, I have complications with communication, words are interesting. We say things that don't really mean anything, the words are only empty words, when I have a conversation with someone I feel like I'm a million miles away from that person and my life, me even. Because obviously if you're not close with life, you're not close with yourself. Self-intimacy. Everything seems completely meaningless and superficial within my World, I even have trouble doing things that will support me, now, I know that writing this and making effective application in the physical is supporting me, but there is always this 'doubt' that nothing will change, and everything will remained fucked within myself, and this World. So, I might as well start now, eliminating the parts of me that weren't me in the first place, and to not participate in multiple time loops that leave me in the same situations in utter alliteration, that certainly sounds like fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry a void within me when I communicate with human beings and fill a million miles away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this void so that it will be easier, apparently.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through multiple time loops where I inevitably make no progress through myself, and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go participate in Depression and actually use it as a weapon against me, so I don't have to face people and reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a wall to separate myself from people and reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy Depression, I suppose that makes me a masochist. XD
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Depression as a form to not get anything done, and to fall deeper, and deeper into an endless black hole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'think' that being mute is necessarily a catastrophe because people depict that as abnormal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for caring what other people think when its just a mind fuck, nothing real, no expression of self, or self-honesty.

I seem to have a problem with facing reality, but what really is reality? A reality is something that can't be defined, its something we all see through self, and as self through experience, and only when awareness is achieved as self through self, make sense? At least that's what I 'see.' Problems with 'reality' is apparently the 'problem' through past experience, and a matter of escapism, I have a lot of 'problems' with facing myself, because I escape everything, and if that's the case I'm escaping myself. Religion and Spirituality would have to be one of the biggest forms of escapism from reality.

From being a Christian that believed in the Rapture and that Jesus was going to come upon this Planet and save his wonderful 'holy' people. Obviously, Jesus had his life experience fucked.

Then there was the time when I dabbled into Wicca, I enjoyed that extensively mostly because I 'felt' closer to Mother Earth.

Then I started getting highly involved with Doomsday thus I found the perfect ingredient for me to fuck myself over with, I'm sure you heard of it. As stated above. The Ascension, as in December 21, 2012 (I think that's the date) I 'thought' I was going to magically ascend to the higher-planes' whereas extra-terrestrial brings such as the Pleiadians were to going to assist us through this 'miraculous' event.

Do you see the endless patterns here? I have this avoidance of what is happening in this moment and always focus on the 'future' as though someone is going to change this 'reality' that I created. I might seem as though I'm being 'harsh' on myself, but I have been avoiding everything, absolutely, EVERYTHING, and trying to avoid the 'reality' that I'm 100% responsible for. There is no more waiting for a 'prophet' to make another 'prophecy' that is just another fuck up for me to fuck myself up, relentlessly. Like a game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into religion because I didn't want to take responsibility for what I accepted and allowed within this World.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this God in my mind that apparently going to save me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even involve myself into the energetic exchange of 'feeling' superior to other people through my fucked up beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always search for something outside myself when I was the key all along.

Life was the key.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create those beliefs because I was afraid of what I would see if I opened my eyes, which are slowly opening to myself, and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I'm here, in this moment, as life, as breathe.

The Expression of Life. The Expression of Life.

Being blind.

Ignorance is certainly bliss, for everyone.

I had immense hesitation from writing this, mostly because I don't know where to begin. Plus, I feel if I write now I never will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the feelings caused by laziness and constant distraction from self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to ' feel' as though if I don't write this I'll never which proves I don't have control of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a constant observer within my World and never standing for anything. I stand for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget what life is, and to 'think' that the life I'm living is actually life when more or less its this idea of death. Although death is life.

'Confusion' About 'Experience'


First, well what is confusion to me by definition? Confusion is not getting a message or piece of information, and experience is how we depict something through our senses BUT, I seem to be having difficulties with experience, what value is experience when were using experience through limited senses? We use experience through our minds, constantly-always seeing something, feeling something through limited perceptions of past-experiences. My confusion is how do we go about using experience through our expression of self, and not just a limited memory warp hole? So, if that's the case the 'answer' is experiencing something with absolute 'trust' I suppose you could say, if it actually existed. Experiencing something without question, judgment, justification and merely being in the moment as breathe and self. I'm not sure if I actually 'comprehend' what that means to be in a moment as breathe and self but that is inevitable through questioning which is what I'm doing at this moment. I'm questioning my own self to experience something unconditionally, and questioning to even experience myself, as self. Mind fuck, correct?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question that experience, because when questioning experience I'm merely questioning myself, as self, and all that 'is.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and find 'logic' through something that isn't something, just everything, experience simply 'is.'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-analyze something through apparent 'logic' which 'logic' and finding 'relevancy' in something has never helped the World, and let people express themselves unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain limited through definitions and comparing information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare information because I feel it's 'natural' to 'understand' something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be confused.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be confused because I 'feel' as though there is always a point missing through something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'experience' the system as feeling through confusion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use confusion as a distraction because I don't want to face the 'truth'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind-consciousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the participation of the mind-consciousness system because I gave into the thought of wanting to question something thus creating conflict, and polarity.
Questioning something of this World lead me here, questioning the bullshit of this World, where we create projected pseudo personalities through this World, and giving into empty words BUT using the questioning not as self, or in the moment of breathe is where the apparent problem is created.
We then create polarity which leads to the outcome of destruction upon this World, and Heaven. Because what happens UP, must happen DOWN. Creating balance.

The Point of Depression
Hello, I'm going to discuss my experience with depression, and what brought me here. I started experiencing depression when I was about fifteen onwards to 'present time' this duration of time was when I was changing schools, moving to a Vocational School and focusing on the Health Care Field. During this time would have to be the most miserable that I have experienced with my mind-consciousness system. Through this time I also started getting involved with the Metaphysics which nothing was really accomplished through that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in depression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in depression because I gave up on existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on existence because of past-experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on existence because I let past experiences define existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let past experiences define existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let past experiences define existence because I'm merely losing self-hope.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose self-hope.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose self-hope because of not even really understanding what self-hope really is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not understanding what self-hope really is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand what self-hope really is because of ignorance of existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ignorant of existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ignorant of existence because of self-interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-interest because I didn't want to give a fuck about everybody else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give a fuck about everybody else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give a fuck about everybody else because I'm not being harmed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give a fuck about everybody because I'm not being harmed which was caused by thinking everything is fine and dandy within this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that everything is fine and dandy within this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that everything is fine and dandy within this World because nothing terrible was first-hand happening in my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that nothing terrible was happening in this reality just because what I experience within this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see what's happening in this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to see what's happening in this World because its not directly affecting me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the chaos of this World has nothing to do with my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the chaos of this World has nothing to do with my reality because everything seemed wonderful through the picture.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a picture World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a picture World and not seeing beyond the pictures.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see what's beyond the picture because I was content.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be content of this picture World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be content of this picture World because was content with how I was experiencing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be content for how I was experiencing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be content of this World through experience because I was experiencing immense pain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard this World because of how I'm experiencing pain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let pain define me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let pain define me because I'm thinking that I'm actually experiencing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that what I experience within this World is real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what I experience in this World is real because everyone seemed to think everything was okay as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept everyone's facade through this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept my facade through this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept everyone's facade through this World because I believed in the illusion that was presented to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the illusion that was presented to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept my facade through this World because I though I was real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was real because I gave into the system and let them define me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the systems and let the systems define me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into systems because I thought it was real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into systems because I let the systems define me because I thought thinking and emotions, feelings were normal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the mind-consciousness system is 'normal.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind consciousness system because I thought it was 'normal.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that 'normal' exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the word 'normal' define me.

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JessicaSmith
Posts: 333
Joined: 27 Jul 2011, 02:53

Re: Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by JessicaSmith »

Unfortunately, I’m not some ‘Oscar Wilde,’ full of articulation and ‘infinite wisdom’. :) I’m only a person, now I know the words I write could be full of such profound ‘beauty’ but they could still mean absolutely nothing on my part. Essentially, when there is ‘beauty’ you’re only left with disguise.

The point that needs to be focused on is ACCEPTANCE of myself and the people that surround me. Ever wonder how one message can cause such disturbance? I do and that is what I experienced. Through facebook I emailed some of my family members about Equality and Oneness which only led to abuse. Then I was communicating through facebook online through that thread discussing it more in depth moving onto the subject of ‘God’ which we discovered some interesting points. One which led one of my family members insulted because we were discussing that people that believe in God are insecure because they’re separating themselves, now that left my Aunt to comment after I signed off stating that I’m the reason for why their ‘Christian Business’ isn’t making many sales as they were since I’m not a Christian as well. Hence, I’m also a worker there. Which led to my Mother commenting through her Mother Matrix system feeling that she has to protect me which just led to more abuse through words.

My Mother also believes in ‘God’ so she of course has some disturbances of my choices, thinking that I’m going through some sort of ‘phase.’ My Mother has resentment towards my Aunt so it’s not really about me, but suppression. My Aunt then sent my Mother an email about me stating that she thought that I would become a Christian because of the ‘miracle’ that was placed upon me as a child (NDE-Near Death Experience). Stating that as a child I would talk to angels or something like that and tell my family members what angels ate, apparently. I have no recollection of any of this, although I’m clear upon the point that god doesn’t exist.

Me and my Mother later had a terrible argument, actually, we have this argument everyday only this argument raised lot’s of anger. About of course God, and me not doing anything with my life. I told her about Equality and Oneness, though she stated that all I do is bitch about all the problems, which I have to say is correct. Going through this process is going to be tough, especially when you have no support from the people in your World.

You see my World is so empty; when I have an event like this that I experience there is of course this feeling as though I’m being tested somehow. Testing myself and others through the reflections of me. A test that occurs on and as this 3/D existence 24/7, a test of Self and the Systems. God can appear the answer easily in a situation when you’re left with absolutely nothing, you lost hope, self-hope that is through trying to create some outer-source to make the World appear less fucked up. From what I see now that is what my family does and that is what I did. I have no resentment now because I know how easy one can follow ‘under the spell’ of religion because of a fear of loss, and what to do. There was a time when I did experience that resentment which I must let go of or death will make me let go forever from my existence being erased. From a certain perspective we can say that what I exist as now is still someone that is dead inside, a little void coming to knock you over. Ah well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my Parents and my Family because of religion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my Parents and my Family because of them not accepting me because of religion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in religion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in resentment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my Parents and Family because of how they raised me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others because not wanting to take responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility because of fear of what will become of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing everyone and myself because of always constricting myself and becoming solitary.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others because of judgment, when in actuality I’m fearing myself. It’s a matter of reflection.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear because I believe that I’m inferior and deserve to feel less than others thus the fear is created.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I’m less than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than myself because of not wanting to see how people will react because of expectations of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I’m less and letting someone’s expectations affect me when that’s merely a system defining me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let a system define me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that being a system is acceptable.

So I’m obviously going to have to accept that my family will never accept me.
And I’m obviously going to have to accept myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to email my family about oneness and equality hoping that they’ll understand everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and let my family understand oneness and equality when I don’t even understand the concept that everyone is equal within this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand the concept that everyone is equal within this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is always something to understand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when people question me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let people define me through that questioning and reaction because I let it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept my physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be comfortable expressing myself as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical body and expression of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse everyone within and as this existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question existence because I felt apparently safe and everything was fine and dandy within and as my World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see beyond my bubble that I created within and as myself existing as a system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept everyone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry the word of acceptance through emptiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to discuss something full of empty words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not become the living word.
I forgive myself for not putting words into physical application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse physical application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the living word.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse everyone and everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to discuss Equality and Oneness through the ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ego because of wanting to feel superior than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel superior than others because I’m really feeling inferior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior than other human beings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from other human beings because of the ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from other human beings because I feel less than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than others because I have low self-worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have low self-worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even understand what self-worth is through oneness and equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I’m less because I already am through living as a system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a system and to think that’s natural.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that something can be natural, and to believe it exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ‘Belief Demon’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ‘Belief Demon’ because I thought it was natural.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the apparent ‘unnaturalness’ to this World where were overcome with systems.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never see behind these systems.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the pictures within and as this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a picture thinking that’s it’s acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a system.

Thank you,
Jessica Smith :D

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JessicaSmith
Posts: 333
Joined: 27 Jul 2011, 02:53

Re: Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by JessicaSmith »

Today I'm going to cover two points: 'Coping With The Fuckery of Myself' and 'Compromising Myself.'

Coping With The Fuckery of Myself
Sometimes when there is absolutely nothing else that is fucking myself over; extremely bizarre things will 'pop' in my mind-consciousness system. Things like Japanese Manga to Songs that have impacted me somehow or to even meaningless fuckery, now, that is certainly a 'problem' because the whole point of breathing and self-forgiveness is to erase the system of you and rebirth yourself from your thoughts and pictures, including the 'stupid ones'. Actually we could say that all thoughts are 'stupid' because there merely memories of your past-experiences, plus defining yourself by these pictures could make you seem even more 'stupid.' So, if that's the case than I'm a fucking idiot. xD

Most of the time when there is a thought it revolves around a picture about my past-experiences and how I acted like a total doochebag or idiot in that particular situation, thus making me have a reaction out of that pretty picture that was given me. So, the relevance of my thoughts revolves around reaction and not forgiving these pictures, plus, letting them go. Although through some instances there can someone not willing to let go of there past because it was so prevalently precious to them, somehow. By all means, everything in my life is like a walking/talking of something always distracting myself from myself, keeping myself entertained through things like Japanese Manga or Lyrics. Quite amusing actually if I'm letting these things define me or consume me, but Japanese Manga can be quite addictive. Not just Japanese Manga, but anything.

If I look clearly, why do people have hobbies in the first place? So, we can escape from our problems or simply because were trying to distract ourselves from something that's happening in our reality, again that's just another scenario of escape. Mind=Escapism. Why do you even think books or the Internet was created? So, we can occupy ourselves through our delusions and deceptions through paper or the cyber realm. The whole point in this is hiding, then time passes by and when we suddenly start asking ourselves the right questions it's to late, and you're fucked.

So here I am, standing for life. Not some fucked manga or twisted thought. Standing for oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind-consciousness system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind-consciousness system because of escape.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape wants going on throughout my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape because I'm unhappy with my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unhappy with my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being unhappy is real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe everything real because everyone else believes so too.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to read Japanese Manga because of wanting to escape.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to read Japanese Manga because of wanting to feel something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that 'feeling' something is real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to read books and watch pictures because of wanting to escape and become that picture or word.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to want to become an empty picture or word.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to become an empty picture or word because I'm 'unhappy' with my life.
I forgive myself for accepting to believe that happiness and unhappiness exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to realize that by creating this idea of happiness I'm creating polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand by creating polarity I'm creating chaos on this Planet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself as separate from this Planet and everyone that inhabits it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as something outside myself creating separation again.

'Compromising' 'Myself'

Living-Everyday that I live on this Planet there is a compromise of myself, and everyone as a collective through the principle of oneness and equality. Why is that? Because everyday that I express myself throughout this World there is always this obligation to someone else so they can be pleased with how I express myself through the mind-consciousness system, and as this integration of the subconscious, unconscious, and conscious aspects of the mind.

People always have this expectation of what they perceive to be tolerable in their line of communication and expression, so what's left there? A mere idea of how one should present themselves to others and losing your apparent 'sanity' along the way through making numerous alterations to your so called, 'personality' it's interesting because people say we 'choose' our apparent personality branded from the subconscious, but if we are always changing our expressions through the mind and fear of what people will think than who are we really?

There is always this 'compromise' of 'myself' when communicating with someone because my pre-programmed personality is quite introverted people think that means that you're some sort of sociopath or something like that, thus you're always wondering what the hell the other person is thinking. Quite frankly, it makes you emotionally and mentally exhausted because you're always wondering what someone is 'thinking' of you, and you know what? The entire idea of what that person is thinking is this memory logged into their brain of what is accepted as 'normal.'

You see we have generations beyond generations of expressions of the mind that contributed to the outcome of what is accepted now through the wonderful dynamics of communication, thus because how I'm presenting myself now was a result of what was accepted in the 'past.' So then who am I really? An altercation personality that was devised because of acceptance, and of this 'idea' of how I should be? Simply put we actually are mere replicas of our Parents, and our Parent's Parents, leading from generation to generation to DNA replica to DNA replica. Yes, Veno certainly had us there through discussing that the subconscious is merely made up of this copy of your family.

I AM whom, really?

Where do I exist in all this?

Where have I been?

Am I dead?

Am I alive?

Throughout my entire existence have 'I' actually conceived the idea that I was affecting this 3/D existence? Or have I come up with this belief that I have no apparent 'control' of this World? Then if that's the plausible 'truth' then have I actually controlled my life? My World. My reality. My box. My security blanket. Me, Myself, and I Again, what about everyone? If there is the possibility that I affect this World, then what about people? What about everyone? What about the state of this World? What about the children starving while you put your finger down your throat and vomit out all the food, all the pain? All the poison of yourself. Tell me are we poisoned yet? I AM.

Where do you stand throughout this existence? Where the heck are you? Because there has always been this void within me, this poison that I couldn't even contemplate of why it was there. Yes, my World wasn't terrible from a certain perspective of fucking everyone over...

Of course I was content with that. Fucking everyone over throughout this World, sometimes even enjoying the fuck up. Sometimes even enjoying the poison that I've created, although I have this World I live everyday and what actually happens? Living every step throughout the mind-consciousness system and living through and as this void and never knowing the question. Why? Just why? Why this? Why is everything the way it is? Just why have I been treating everything in such an abusive way and why have I always changed myself? Changing is something, but changing through self is something entirely vast.

1.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change myself because of wanting to be accepted.
2.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be accepted.
3.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be accepted because I didn't want to be ridiculed or abnormal.
4.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come up with this idea of what being ridiculed or abnormal is.
5.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define people's ideas of me.
6.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept other people's ideas of me because I take everything personally throughout the mind.
7.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take other people's ideas of me personally.
8.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word abnormal as me.
9.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that abnormal is 'bad thing.'
10.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there are 'bad things.'
11.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there are bad things' because that creates polarity and chaos throughout this existence.
12.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that polarity and chaos is okay.
13.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that polarity is okay because I didn't think anybody was being affected.
14.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that chaos is okay because of thinking that it's just a way of life and out of my control.
15.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that things are just a way of life.
16.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that things are just a way of life because that's an excuse of mine so I don't have to take responsibility.
17.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility of life.
18.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that things are out of my control.
19.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that things are out of my control because I think of myself as powerless.
20.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm powerless.
21.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm powerless because nothing seems to change within my World.
22.)I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that things are going to change in my World when I don't do anything to change anything within my World.
23.I I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that somebody is going to change my World and save me.
23.II I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that someone outside myself is going to make everything fine and dandy.

Thank You,
Jessica Smith

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Adele
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Re: Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by Adele »

Do you see the patterns here? A constant need of always trying to find answers outside myself through religion and spirituality, and relying on 'God' or some 'extra-terrestrials being' to save me from this Hell that I created through my reality.
Cool Jessica - yes I am seeing that we all have the same pattern that separates us from what is HERE as life.
Thanks for sharing your writings and self forgiveness.
It is cool how we can write out our back chat/secret mind and expose ourselfs.
Thanks for being here!

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JessicaSmith
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Re: Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by JessicaSmith »

Interesting point!
It's interesting how the mind will devise any excuse for actually making a solution under the principle of what's best for all through oneness and equality.
Separation has become just part of this World and we think it's okay, we actually come to the point where we will harm others from such extensive separation when were actually doing the same to ourselves.
What do we 'win' through this? Apparent 'gratification' and 'pleasure' through the mind-consciousness system is more important through the principle of, "I don't really give a fuck." :)

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JessicaSmith
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Re: Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by JessicaSmith »

My Experience With Eating Disorders

Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa-Are you hungry for this?

Hello, I’m Jessica. I’m going to discuss my experience with eating disorders, bulimia and anorexia. Through that experience I wanted to achieve this person that has these problems so people can actually acknowledge my existence or even maybe help me? Because people through my mind-consciousness system would always just never really what’s going beyond me or not even caring because of their problems and the picture that’s being presented seemed normal. I wanted to create a place to fall. I wanted to completely detach myself from other people, absolutely everything. When you’re actually making yourself sick you never actually see what you’re doing, just like we never see what were doing to this World; we never want too. Then after were done self-mutilating ourselves we see the guilt and the regret, so much pain that is developed and wanting this escape. Everybody uses self-mutilation we just don’t want to notice it, different methods of the mind, becoming our thoughts, feelings, and emotions, saying things we never really mean and thinking it’s okay.

When you’re sticking your finger down your throat or starving yourself you’re never really here, you’re completely gone somewhere in your mind.
It’s as though you already walked from the face of the Earth because how can you be here on this Planet when you don’t even know where you’re at? Not physically, but actually being here as breathe, as self, as a collective through oneness and equality.

It’s not okay. It’s never been okay.

It’s interesting from the perspective that I decide to starve myself and make myself sick while some child is suffering from famine from their own ‘free-will.’ Interesting how I can devise myself as someone that selfish through that point.

So this occurred for about two years because I couldn’t handle anything, anything that was occurring throughout my World. What was occurring? Absolutely nothing. This World is a play and were th actors putting on the show, I was the observer throughout this how, yet still participating within all of it. I The questions and answers are examples of what we think and how we act throughout that situation, were the fucking idiots! Thinking were our thoughts, thinking were our emotions because of something always outside ourselves.


When you’re so lost and so alone, coming to the extent where nobody will ever notice what you’re actually doing to yourself, never wanting to see. So you continue to hurt yourself, over and over again. Were just stuck that’s how I always seemed to feel, completely stuck inside of myself, inside of this World and never knowing what do to. Once you find the solution you don’t know what to do, what’s right and what’s wrong because of always suppressing everything or maybe we do? You come and abuse yourselves, never knowing that you’re creating more abuse and thinking it’s natural. When looking at the World all what exists is deception thus were all pathological liars thinking that we have this apparent truth and we find it somewhere outside ourselves, apparently.

They will lie and use utter confidence.

They will argue if they think it’s the only path.

They will use their opinions and irrelevant assumptions as unconditional facts.

They will have the paramount disguise.

They are selfish just as other people.

Without living with this attachment ignorance will always be there. They lie just like another, only relentless disguise. Believe with your eyes open, listen carefully. Even of the words I’m saying, don’t trust or mock me, or yourself. That is the danger, and that is the game. Unfortunately we don’t have the supreme luxury of being correct all the time, truthfulness is all we have. Apparently so.

Religious lies, Political lies, Intellectual lies, Emotional lies…how is one better or more severe then the other? We have no choice to give into lies when choosing a certain path. That’s where we have come, Funny.

We want so badly that our beliefs will be true that at some point we "forget" that they are just beliefs and not facts. But deep down we, of course, know that they are just hypothesis, theories. So in order to convince ourselves in their wishful truthfulness we approach others and try to convince them. This is a known psychological rule: If others are ultimately convinced then I myself will be more convinced.
Ego and other hidden motives:

We want to be the one who is right in the spiritual argument, our path is the correct, we want to be teachers, masters, avatars, saviors, we want to publish a book, make a lot of money, create a new religion, build an ashram, be endowed with a universal prestige. All these rely heavily on the validity of our claims. How can we be masters and saviors if we are not completely certain regarding our ideas? How can we expect the masses to follow us if we are not sure?

Separation is what were doing. Separation is what were creating, relentlessly. We seek this solution outside ourselves, this constant answer, always something to search for, never knowing. We never want to know. You get an education you’re apparently depicted as 'intelligent’ through society, also the notion of getting 'great grades’ means that you will do well in this World, then we go to College and study one thing trying to always find the correct answer to everything.

Will I get the correct answer to these questions?
If I get the correct answers that means I’m obviously smart!
Will I find the meaning of life?
I must meditate and become full of love and light!
What should I say to make others happy?
I know, I’ll just lie!
Are my Parents proud of me?
I must make them happy!
Is my spouse glad we got married?
I must full-fill his/her needs!
Why must I get an Education?
So I can survive in this World, duh!

The questions and answers are interesting if you want to die everyday through always creating something outside ourselves, but when will the time come when we come to the realization?
Yes, most certainly were pathological liars.
Who’s insane now? Must I pick certain people throughout this World and label them as ‘insane’ because of their actions throughout this World? Then let’s really look at the picture. Everyone is the apparent ‘wackjob’ throughout this existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop an eating disorder and not taking into consideration of what I’m actually doing within and as this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live from the principle of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself sick because of wanting to rely on someone else when I’m enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within this World by getting an eating disorder.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attain and eating disorder because I want someone to actually see me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself sick when I’m not taking into consideration the people that have no ‘choice.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is choice in this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an eating disorder because I hated myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because of thinking I’m not worth anything so I might as well destroy myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have no self-worth within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my eating disorder because I thought it was worth the attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put value upon and eating disorder and not on life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard life and what’s best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never what to see what’s best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I’m what’s best for all as a collective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the self-expression of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never take self-responsibility of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for never wanting to take responsibility because of laziness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in laziness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the delusion of laziness because I’m merely also accepting the delusion of energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the delusion of energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the delusion of energy and use it as an excuse when wanting to run away from something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from something because I don’t want to face reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face reality because I’m merely not wanting to face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear.
I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to let fear define me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through fear because I’m then letting a system have power.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let a system have power.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in power.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in power because I’m actually feeling inferior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that I’m inferior when that merely creating polarity and destruction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create polarity and destruction within and as this World.

Thank You,
Jessica Smith

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JessicaSmith
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Re: Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by JessicaSmith »

The Point of Wanting to Hide

Hiding (also called abscondence or concealment) is obscuring something from view or rendering it inconspicuous. (Wikipedia)

From that stand point I’m hiding myself from view, the part of SELF that actually knows what’s going on and what has been done to myself, and what I keep doing to myself, collectively. Never seeing what must be seen. Its interesting how something can seem so ‘normal’ but infectious with deception of the mind-consciousness system.

There has always been this wanting to hide away in a place where everything is possible, no judgment and no fear of others. From being a young child after school I couldn’t wait for times to myself at home where I would lay on my bed and just create an alternate universe through my mind, at the time not knowing what I was actually doing. I was actually creating a mind fuck and this later developed into an immense of fear of reality. What you could describe my Alternate Universe as was more like a Television for myself only I’m creating it myself with my apparent depiction of what I wanted reality to become, though not knowing how to take action. From what I seen of this World there would always be this extensive feeling of despise, the human beings were ‘evil’ and so was the manifestations, but who was actually the ‘evil one’? Is there even an evil one? From what I can see it’s another mind-manifestation of this World creating more abuse, thinking that something apparently ‘bad’ and is going to harm you. How can something harm me when I’m infinite? Possibly from the mind-consciousness system, once you create the construct that something bad or evil is going to happen it will because you’re allowing it until you come to the realization of yourself that you’re here and nothing else matters.

I hide behind computers and names, another example for why Desteni wants you to use your real name; I allow myself to become someone else that wouldn’t actually say whatever it was in reality because of people’s perceptions of me in my limited reality through the mind-consciousness system. When I communicate with someone in reality its just the same as deception when communicating with someone online, its interesting from the perspective when people claim that we never really know who people are online, but that’s the same in reality as well, sure I can see the person physically, but what is really going on beneath this picture that is being presented to me? Do I even know what’s actually going on underneath that pretty picture? Do I even want to see? When I hide I feel apparently safe and when I’m faced with another human being there is never self-expression because of fear of ridicule, now I must let go of that fear that I have let myself define me.

(http://urbansemiotic.com/2007/03/06/why ... -identity/) This link features interesting retrospect for why some of us hide who we are as ‘individuals.’

Do you use a fake name online?

Do you think by using a fake name you are protecting your privacy and hiding who you really are to the world?

Your fake name does not prevent anyone from knowing the Real You, so why not come forward and use your Real Name online?

Why not own your words and thoughts by attaching them to your Real Being? Why not step forward from the darkness and into the light to place who you are and what you believe directly on the record of life?

Here are the Top Three Excuses I’ve seen for why people hide their identities online:

1. I Have a Stalker.

Oh, really, and you don’t think a dedicated stalker can find you on the web when you reveal every gory detail of your life online? If you’re truly living in fear of being found out, why be on the web at all? Why hide behind a fake name to provide you a false sense of protection?

2. I Was The Victim of a Violent Crime. You don’t want your attacker to find you online so you use a fake name and a fake personality to throw the scent from your trail. What about the others you meet online?

Do they know you’re an invented fake? How much truth do you reveal online? Bits and pieces? Nothing? If you lie to someone online to protect your private selfish interest, do you tell them you’re inventing information as you go along or do you merely pretend it doesn’t matter that you purposefully mislead people?

3. I Don’t Want People To Know It’s Me. This is the most common excuse and also the least convincing because its employment immediately suggests you are not being true to the world or honest with yourself. You do not want to be held accountable for the fires you set and the online brush fires you start.

Or you think by not using your Real Name you can have an online life that is disconnected from public responsibility. You prefer to tear down than build up and you need the anonymity of the online experience to dagger in your daring deeds. All of those excuses do not reconcile with reality.

The fact you can be found online through the “anonymous” breadcrumbs you leave behind is startling easy and simple to accomplish. You have an ISP. You have an IP address. You have an email address.

All three of those elements can quite simply reveal the when and the what of who you are — so why not just confess from the start who you are and why you are here and there and the everywhere? What is the danger is being who you are online as you are offline? If you use your Real Name online why have you to chosen to take that bold and necessary step?

If you still pass a fake name and fake identity online — what does it really get you in the end?

*********************************************************************************************************
Where does it get us? We get the wonderful pleasure of hiding away of course, saying what we want to say and never living up to it. Hence, words without application. There is a part of me as my mind-consciousness system that fears words because of people defining me as these words and judging me over these words, thinking that I’m somehow ‘less than’ or ‘inferior.’ Putting myself on a pedestal where nothing seems to make sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide because of the fear of people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people because I’m afraid there going to judge me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others because throughout my life people have always picked at myself because of being introverted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let others thoughts of myself define me when in reality there only thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a thought.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let others define me through a thought.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry and feel like crying when people ask me why I’m quite.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry through and as the system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry because of the system and through the system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry when people judge me because I’m aware that’s not me on some level.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as introverted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let labels define me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never see beyond a label.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never see beyond the label that I defined myself by.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unhappy when someone says something that isn’t remotely close to the expression of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unhappy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive in the deception of becoming unhappy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create polarity through happiness and unhappiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never knowing the expression of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not come to the realization that I’m an expression of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect life as a collective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in neglection.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never realize that I’m separating myself from myself because of wanting to become blind of what’s common sense.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand what true common sense is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that everyone has common sense by existing as a system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind-consciousness system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I’m my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only see the 3/D picture that is always being presented to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the pictures of this World is acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the abuse of acceptance through denial.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in denial.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become denial.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become denial because of always questioning but never questioning what needs to be questioned.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always questioning what doesn’t need questioning, but always questioning what needs questioning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never question what needs questioning because I never wanted to question my existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to question my existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to question my existence because I was content with it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live under the principle of what’s best for all through oneness and equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never see that I’m completely one and equal to all of existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that I’m one and equal to others because I wanted to become special.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to become special when that’s merely me ego telling me who to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ego because of wanting to exist in a system full of polarity where we have inferior or superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to exist in a system where we have inferior or superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept a World where polarity exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself accept the world of polarity because of never wanting to see the affect of polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see the true nature of polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is always a right or wrong answer.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that someone who has all the right answers is wrong and someone who doesn’t is dumb.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ego of intelligence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in intelligence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define someone elses or myself words coming to the conclusion of whether their intelligent or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others because of thinking of wanting to pull a point to someone else making myself seem superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pull a point at someone else to make myself feel superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel superior when I’m actually feeling inferior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior because of lack of self-worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have no self-worth.


Words without application are empty words. 100% of the population is suffering from this virus, unfortunately. Sometimes when I’m feeling ‘less than’ or ‘inferior’ I’ll say something that actually needs to be looked at from myself, because I’ve done the same, not taking responsibility, yet talking about it.

Thank You,
Jessica Smith
:)

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Adele
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Re: Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by Adele »

I like your introspective with self forgiveness, cool!
Your one on eating disorders, very assisting.
Thanks Jessica :)

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JessicaSmith
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Re: Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by JessicaSmith »

Shaving My Head by Jessica Smith
Hello Myself,
Shaving your head is release from the systems within and as you that have identified you a certain way.
Shaving your head is self-realization from the ultimate illusion of self.
Shaving your head is facing yourself from yourself.
Shaving your head is the solution that must be faced.
Shaving your head is making ultimate self-movement.

From not defining yourself as a mere beauty piece of and fucking Puppet Master we can see what we truly attached ourselves towards the mind-consciousness system realms of limitation.

We can ‘imagine’ the experience of shaving our heads, but we never really know the true experience of self-expression as a living breathing human being. What is a human being by definition? Someone that is enclosed into a mindless box, disregarding all life without any sense of self-remorse or self-guilt thus we’re mindless zombies that have no sense of self or life even, though, human beings through the mind-consciousness system try to debunk the meaning of life and not even asking the question, “ Who the heck am I”? or “What do I exist as”? Do I enjoy my life? What is enjoyment? Do I express self-enjoyment? Do I express myself in general? Do I see? Do I hear? Do I ever know? Do we ever want to know the answer to the question? Now the question of what would happen if I shaved my head has been answered, only, the complete reaction within such an action created an outcome of eternal fuckery, well at least for a moment. If you seen my vlogs you would know that I recently shaved my head, but not discussing the outcome of situation. Today I experienced exactly what I knew I would experience through saving my head, only, it was much more intense, plus there was this part of me that had this apparent ‘hope’ that my Mom won’t react the way she always threatened me.

During this time when I shaved my head it was around two in the morning, thus my family was asleep during this moment of self-realizations. Later, I just fell asleep downstairs with a blanket over myself because of fear of the reactions of my Mother would specifically place. When I woke up it was around eight in the morning where my little sister was playing in the front room, she didn’t see my face through the blanket, but then suddenly sitting there I said what needs to be said, “I shaved my head.”

She of course didn’t believe me thus I slipped the blanket off of me her first reaction was, “I’m telling Mom”! LoL

Then as I was walking up the stairs I heard my sister tell my Mother that I shaved my head; her being in complete shock and not wanting to believe of what I actually did. Then my Mother yelled at me saying, “ Leave this house.” Good times, good times. This all happened today, in one moment.
So I walked barefooted to my Grandma’s house all the way there. LoL. Later my Mother came to Grandma’a house in complete tears of me shaving my head. In complete and total devastation of the identification of self-imaging.

Asking questions such as, “What did I do wrong as a Mother”? or “Should I kill myself because you don’t care”? “You’re not touching your hair anymore, Jess. More of an order than a question.

More or less statements of complete shock and mocking me towards what I’ve done. I’m completely content with what I’ve done, only, I wish the people within and as this World would understand. It’s interesting because alot of family members are okay with it but when it comes to my friends its as though you’re less than. The people within my World think I should of put more thought in shaving my hair off, couldn’t that be even more ironic of what’s the problem in the first place?

I realized the outcome of this action, but I know it may seem that making such a drastic thing occur and letting the relationships you have suffer may seem severe, but I know that letting people outside myself control me is giving apparent ‘power’ over them, thus having no sense of freedom which has already manifested. Now my Dad, me and him already had a distant relationship. Its his birthday soon he doesn’t even want to acknowledge my existence.

I’m currently outside of a library, sitting here on s bench wondering why the hell the library doesn’t offer free Internet Access. LOL. I’m banned from my laptop from shaving my head so now we will see if this ever gets published. People have intense trouble from letting go so for now I’ll just continue to write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel attachment towards my hair.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel attachment towards my hair because its always been there, being my security blanket.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my hair is a security blanket.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need a security blanket.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need a security blanket when everyone is one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fear others and needing something outside myself to support me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need something outside myself to support me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separation from myself because of needing something outside myself to support myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the separation of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the separation of breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the separation of moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live under a principle of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard all life through the mind-consciousness system through separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not even becoming aware that I’m existing as separation through the mind-consciousness system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to live as self-awareness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never value life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never value myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never value the principle of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live under the principle of experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself through experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself through participating in the mind-consciousness system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in limitation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that life is only limitation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become limitation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become blind through the participation of limitation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become blind.
I forgive myself to live under the saying ignorance is bliss.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as blind because of not seeing what’s going on in this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see what’s going on in this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see what’s going on this World because I wanted to maintain a state of bliss.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain a state of bliss.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not come to the realization that bliss is deception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never deception because it’s deception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see what I want to see.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become blind and not even know it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become blind through no awareness of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become blind.

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JessicaSmith
Posts: 333
Joined: 27 Jul 2011, 02:53

Re: Jessica Smith's Writings

Post by JessicaSmith »

Pleasure Through Pictures
Through my experiences of masturbation they all existed within and as a world of pictures and Escapism, through the consistent need of trying to feed some form of lust that wasn’t even real. When I’m masturbating it’s not even me, its interesting because I was never a ‘sexual’ person before I started masturbating , but when I look within and as myself masturbating was never about attaining an orgasm, but for me to escape myself, all the pain I’ve suppressed throughout myself, as myself. When looking at erotic pictures to attain an orgasm I never used real people, only henati because of thinking ‘human sex’ is disgusting. Twisted, correct? LOL

I started masturbation when I was fifteen, not even aware of what masturbation was, or sex. Through all the classes at school in Health I skipped them all because of avoiding the work. I never really cared what sex was because I never envisioned myself doing something like that because of thinking its ‘bad’ when being in a Christian Religion and not even knowing what the goal really was behind sex. Then I started asking questions of what the genitalia was for, but not wanting to come to the realization that the male organ puts his business into the female, not really understanding the purpose of why its even done. To become ‘closer’ with your lover or to attain orgasm still seemed like something irrational in my mind-consciousness system. I mean is sex even about sex? What’s behind the feelings and impulses of lust? Where are we when were even having sexual intercourse? Through masturbation it wasn’t even about masturbation, but existing as the moment of the mind-consciousness system through pictures. So when I started experimenting with masturbation I noticed in habit that patterns of pictures were the only way for me to become sexually aroused, thus I programmed myself and conditioned myself to respond out of pictures and words. What are pictures and words? A picture is something to view through the eyes that are integrated with the platform of consciousness-unconscious/subconscious/conscious looking through the veil of, “ignorance is bliss.”

So why seek truth? Truth to MAN is revealing an answer and conditioned to believe that he made a accomplishment when in ‘reality’ he is reacting through the illusion that is inborn preprogrammed into you that we must always find the answer, not really looking at the question. Maybe possibly questioning the question through consciousness, but never through self-realization? Because if I ask a question simply, “What is 1+1?” Through generations beyond generations of conditioning of what certain answers are we can see the answer is two. Of course word and letters are essential for communication, but are words ever full of life, or emptiness and sorrow? Of course, so all I have are the words to express myself and I’m never really expressing anything because of fear of self.

Well, I sort of got off topic so I’ll continue again. LOL
I’m a passionate person through self-realization. LOL

Now through the conditioning of words and pictures we become so blinded by everything, same for masturbation. You’re to busy looking at these pictures so you become participating in reaction, as though when you see sexual doings you become consumed with feeling of lust, leading to masturbation of release of that particular feeling of lust. Which is really what really? An energy mind fuck addiction. Which, essentially you’re not here, but in some far off placed called the mind-consciousness system. Although masturbation is not a ‘terrible thing’ to do when erasing all the mind pictures, preconceived ideas of how to think masturbation should be, seeing human flesh and getting apparently sexually aroused, but we can come to the realization that we only need ourselves through masturbation. We need to enjoy ourselves through self-forgiveness and self-honesty.

I’ll experiment through that realization and get back to you on that one. LOL
My family didn’t enjoy my participation in masturbation because of not understanding the motives behind it and that it was disgusting through realization of the mind-consciousness system. Partly, I think them thinking such a thing is that they never really understood what masturbation really is and what it stands for.

Masturbation=Self-Intimacy.

There is no shame.
There is no self-judgment.
There is no fear.
There is no guilt.
There is no pain.
There is no regret.
There is no resentment.
There is no ego.
There is no thoughts.
There is no emotions.
There is no feelings.
There is no nothing.
There is no everything.

Only, HERE, through and as this moment, through and as self-forgiveness and self-honesty.
Only, BREATHE, through and as this moment, through and as self-forgiveness and self-honesty.
Only, SELF, through and as this moment, through and as self-forgiveness and self-honesty.
Only, LIFE, through and as this moment, through self-forgiveness and self-honesty.

It’s interesting through words we can come up with hidden realizations that have been secretly tucked away waiting for SELF to discover it. When we have the word LIFE-we actually have the word-LIfE-existing within and as a word that is only made up of deception, thus we only have a lie. Existing as a system out of survival and instinct, completely and entirely lying to SELF.

Through another word that is interesting to look at is SELF-sound like SELL-SEL-through selling the self and existing as a system and participating through the mind-consciousness system of eternal limitation not comprehending that you SELLED your SELF. So if we selled ourselves then who are we existing as? If were not SELF then what have we become? Why even SELL the SELF? Is the SELF even that much of a threat to SELF? Are we a threat to ourselves? How can we become a threat to ourselves when we have always ourselves on come level? There must be some part of myself that I did not SELL because its mySELF, I can never lose mySELF, that’s ‘impossible.’ What isn’t possible? Everything that exists as the mind-consciousness system because you’re not allowing possibility, but predetermination.

Now some self-forgiveness!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in lust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in lust, through pictures and trying to escape.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in lust through masturbation and not being HERE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be HERE as self-expression as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not masturbate through self-awareness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here as self-expression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be HERE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to escape the pain, and not remain as BREATHE, as SELF, As LIFE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape pain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the illusion of pain, defining the pain I’m experiencing through that experience as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define pain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as pain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the pain that I’m experiencing through that experience as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself through and as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself through and as the mind, and not remaining stable and consistent as breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not remaining stable and consistent as breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not remaining stable and consistent as breathe because of becoming preoccupied through thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become preoccupied through thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become preoccupied through thoughts, feelings, and emotions because I try to find entertainment and contentment through the participation of the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to find entertainment and contentment through the participation of the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that participating through thoughts, feelings, and emotions is what’s real in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never see beyond the 3/D picture of what’s actually real in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become this 3/D picture of ultimate deception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live this 3/D picture that is ultimate deception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to breathe this 3/D picture that is ultimate deception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in deception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become deception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as deception.

Thank You,
Jessica Smith

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