Writing To Freedom

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Courtney
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Writing To Freedom

Postby Courtney » 23 Jun 2015, 10:03

last night I wanted to sign up for a course. I wanted to sign up to a certificate in cleaning operations. This so I could earn money and compliment my income while studying. This course costed in the thousands for people who have had qualifications. For people who did not have qualifications previous or prior would be eligible for the Cert 3 funding. This bring the cost of the course to a total of $200. This was cool for me. The man did mention about the funding possibly ending on the 30th. This caused a bit of stress to come up. The stress came up because I did not have the money on me right there and then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about not having the money right away, right there and then where I can just pay upfront and get access

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts like ''Where can I get easy money'' to come up from the want/desire to have the money right there and then causing my body stress and strain to finding ways to get it 'right there and then'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about not having enough to pay for the course fee's for enrollment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I do not have to go to the extremes of rushing myself into something just to be registered in the course when I can wait more days until I have the amount as spare money to pay the registration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become that money crazed person who goes to look for money in anyway to get even considering the insanes of inhuman behaviours as the thoughts that lead to exploitation through profit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand when I do not have the money I cannot just 'Try find ways to get it', but to sit with myself and ask myself do 'I really need to put myself through this' just for the sake of money.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let that driving energy for survival be the predominent factor that determines my life, and who I am in my life, what I do in my life, and the directions I take in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having no money to pay for this course to fulfill the ideas of having a job where I want to have a job - Knowing that I cannot afford so right now, and therefore to wait, and be patient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient about the point of getting money because of the man saying that the possibility of the funding will be ending on a date very soon

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead myself down that track within the thoughts where I can feel my body becoming tense and tight, like it is being drenching in the very stress and strain from the want/desire to have the money

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that life is too short to waste it inside my Mind with thoughts that are going to create consequences and therefore I am to breathe each day as I know it is possible for me to just 'Live as Breath' - In the moment. I know I can do that.

When and as I see myself stressing about not having money to pay for things when I want to - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I need to assess what I can do for my options to help myself in life where I can become somoene who is able to assist/support themselves with ways of earning money, and yes, taking on this course to further employment, but not from the starting point of 'Putting myself in more debt'.

When and as I see myself wanting to take more loans - I stop and I breathe - i realize that I cannot have the pressure of a loan on me at the moment and s - The loans are not the way to go - I remain patient and wait until the few days later to pay for the registration.

When and as I see myself rushing this point for registration - I stop and I breathe - I realize that if the funding has stopped, which most likely it won't, then I will find other alternatives to weigh out my options of what is available for me.



Eleonora
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Re: Writing To Freedom

Postby Eleonora » 23 Jun 2015, 16:07

Very cool share Courtney, thanks.
The point of money as a huge stressor in almost everyone's life is worth of everyone's consideration, as this shows us as well why we are in need of a new economic system that is supportive vs the one we have which is mostly alienating.
Meanwhile, it's cool to take the stress out of this relationship because as you wrote, some of the reasons why we end up stressing about money can be corrected, some of our stances relaxed, some of our believes relented, until the stress goes - it won't give us the money right away but it will allow us to let go of the stranglehold money exercise on our lives, if we let it dictate reality - undirected.

So, again, thanks for joining the forum and for sharing such cool writing, we are here for any question you may have even though it seems you have pretty much got the hang of it alright. :)



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Anna
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Re: Writing To Freedom

Postby Anna » 23 Jun 2015, 19:21

Very cool Courtney!



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AnthonyF
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Re: Writing To Freedom

Postby AnthonyF » 24 Jun 2015, 03:32

Awesome Courtney! Thank you very much for sharing.



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Courtney
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Re: Writing To Freedom

Postby Courtney » 24 Jun 2015, 09:44

Today I had an attraction come. I was standing on the back steps looking at the yard. The neighbour to our right has a big window where we can see them studying. If we are sitting out the back. We can see them studying and it is hard to not see them. When I looked at them through the window I felt an attraction come to what a lady was doing. She had a piece of blanket with her on the desk. The way she folded it with care, and then the attraction energy came up.

The way the women folded it with care. I wanted to question what the word was that I found attractive, or the action that the lady was doing. It was the way the lady was folding it with care. I had the thought, 'Why do I not do that'. Then it was 'I do not have time'. This is not so true. I do have the time to be that person who takes care in folding clothing. If that is something I felt attracted towards, I am to stand equal to it, and apply it in my own life. Where I start caring more for the clothing I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have enough time to fold my clothes with care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I cannot develop that care for the clothing I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that folding clothing is a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make it easier by just throwing the clothes in the wardrobe when I can develop that care that I found attractive in another for myself and not have to think/believe that I am attracted to the person next door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I do not have enough time to fold my clothes when I do have the time through-out my day to focus on folding my clothes without it being a rushed pace and not caring

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush the pace of doing my washing because I do not want to deal with that aspect of life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that nobody else is going to do that for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire someone else to do that for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine someone else doing my own folding were I do not have to do it myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be that lazy person who is not interested in developing that care for the clothes that I have when I can learn to have that as a personal attribute to my life/living

When and as I see myself not wanting to care for my clothing - I stop and I breathe - I realize that developing that care for my clothing, aside from just washing them, is bringing that point of attraction in another, back to myself where I can develop that care that I saw/seen within another

When and as I see myself making excuses for not folding my clothes - I stop and I breathe - I realize that Developing that care that I wanted can be done through not making excuses, and not being lazy.

I commit myself to develop that care that I had seen within another

I commit myself to bring that point back to myself so that I can apply it in my own life



Marlen
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Re: Writing To Freedom

Postby Marlen » 25 Jun 2015, 20:43

Very cool to see right away how it is that: when we are 'attracted' or 'fascinated' by something another does, in fact we can be the ones that can integrate that same aspect we saw in another into our own lives, so that we no longer create a relationship of desire/want/need toward 'them' or 'what they do' but we can live it out ourselves.

I find this statement quite to the point here:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be that lazy person who is not interested in developing that care for the clothes that I have when I can learn to have that as a personal attribute to my life/living
This also allows us to see how in our minds we judge ourselves as 'inept' to do certain things, but the actual fact is... we haven't even tried to do it yet! We mostly conjure up ideas about what we can or cannot do, what we are 'good' at doing or what we 'suck' at doing, instead of looking at it as a judgment and so a self-limitation that we haven't yet challenged.

As I was reading your experience, an image of my sister folding her clothes with such precision and care came up, I would then consider that to be 'requiring too much time, too much 'care,' and so going into judgment toward it as it being such an 'unnecessary drag to fold clothes like that' and have such 'tender' to it all, which is how I became the opposite: disorderly, not really caring to have such time to fold my laundry etc. based on similar ideas: got better things to do to take such care, etc. But the reality is that if I liked that expression, then why not simply testing it out myself without a judgment? Instead of going into ideas of why I should not do that, why I would suck at it, why it wasn't 'my personality' and why I should do the opposite, lol which is a whole different story here, but I wanted to share this because these are small moments of awareness that can assist us in learning from others and skip the whole reaction of either attraction, jealousy, fascination or even opposition to something based on our perception of not being able to 'do the same' without even trying it out.

So, thanks for sharing this glimpse of your day and having such fine point of awareness in that moment and coming the common sensical conclusion of integrating this in your life and doing it yourself as well.



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Bella
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Re: Writing To Freedom

Postby Bella » 26 Jun 2015, 21:01

awesome thread! thanks all for sharing - and welcome here Courtney!



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Courtney
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Re: Writing To Freedom

Postby Courtney » 28 Jun 2015, 08:02

So, I bring this point up about what I had experienced in the past. It was last year some time. This memory was when someone from desteni had told me to quit playing/stop playing when I had said that I liked women. This I did not concern myself with, until I discover and investigated why I was always so fearful to be me, and share my sexuality in the open, and even accept it as a part of me. So, last night I questioned this point, and discovered that because of this one past experience of another telling me to quit playing/stop playing I felt that I would not be accepted, and so was to believe that I was playing games. But, I was actaully be honest with the person when I had said that I like women.

On that point I was afraid to share this point in the open. Believing that to participate I had to be with a male. That same person then told me months later that it is ok, that it is ok to be Gay, straight or bi as you can still do desteni. When I received support and feedback on my assignment the other day and was open about my sexuality, I felt kind of like an acceptance. I believed/thought that I'd be kicked out, or treated the same exact way. I was not. I was supported in what I had written. So, I was happy about this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I would have to suppress my sexuality in desteni because it was not consider 'normal' for female to like other females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resistant towards accepting that point about me because of a past experience of another telling me that I am playing games, and in doing that created a belief within myself that I was not being honest with myself and/or another when I was being honest and open with another about the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that another individual was 'right' over me expressing an honest point about myself, and then so believed that person in what they wanted of me without considering who I am/how I am as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not trusted myself on the point of what I prefer in sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define someone else's reaction to me being honest about my sexuality to define all of how others will see/behave towards me because of my sexuality not being that of liking male as intimate partner.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would not be accepted because of my sexuality choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against myself as this point where I suppress and force myself to like males because others wanted me to be with a male, when i did not.



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Bella
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Re: Writing To Freedom

Postby Bella » 28 Jun 2015, 19:22

cool Courtney - and so within this we are reminded to consider that, just like it is in general, also on the desteni forum: people are walking their own processes, and each one is at a different point or phase of their process and is in no way to be seen as 'more than' or 'better than' you for example.

so whenever you get a perspective - always introspect it for yourself equally, realizing that in the end you have to make your own decisions and take your own stand - which is the process of self honesty that all of us are equally walking.


and as a point of general support for yourself, I'd have a look at where/how I might be projecting/abdicating 'authority' unto another/a group/something out there, accepting/expecting that 'they' tell me who and how I am to be, or whether who/how I am is 'ok'.
which is also what you are doing/realizing here as the point of self trust.

so here you are looking at the point of self authority - and by continuing to walk your process of self honesty (and esp. utilizing writing and the tools shared here) you will also realize self authority -
being the author of oneself in awareness, requiring no 'authorization' for being/expressing, as one stand in self honesty as life.


thanks - and cool for sharing here.




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