Danielle's Writings

Danielle

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Post by Danielle »

DAY 92: Wasting Time Waiting

I have a tendency to slow my progression in things I want/need to do. I'll want to work on things, but I'll create excuses for not doing them. I'll want to write, start a project, clean and study. But the excuses that stop me are I don't have enough time, I don't have internet, I need sleep, I'm too tired, I'll wait until I have the internet or this tool and that tool or those tools. Slowing my progression down to a state of waiting for the tools. But I realise that I have other tools that do the same thing. They just take longer. It may take longer but at least I am not slowing my progression down. So we work with what we have and make the most of it until we have the tools that will be fast and provide more comfort. That we don't slow our progress down and/or sit in a state of waiting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the tools that will provide more comfort to my comfortable life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit in a state of waiting for the tools to create and work on projects that I want to complete.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can progress without having the tools I want by using the tools have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my progression by/through waiting for tools

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with the excuse "I am too tired to work on plan and projects"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with the excuse "I don't have enough time to work on my projects or plans when I can make the time for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use not having an internet connection as an excuse to not write or work projects.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can make the time that I have off work and spare time at work to write, work on projects, and plan.

When and as I see myself using excuses to not work on plans, writings and projects in my spare time and without tools to provide extra comfort - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I can make use of my spare time and the tools I have to continue progressing in that which I'd like to create for me and others.

I commit myself to use some of my spare time and the tools I have to live out plans, write and work on projects.

Danielle

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DAY 94: Progression Takes Time

It has taken a few years for me to reach the position that I am in right now in my life. It took so long because of the past events/situations that occurred which had severe impacts to my physical life and my mind. I have had to face things that some people wouldn't have the strength for. I'm lucky to be alive still as a result of those events/situations. If those situations/events didn't happen, I'd have had a stable life and be similar where I am now years ago. But instead it was the seeds of other people that had a hold of my mind and turned it rotten. I faced homelessness as a result, mental instability, caused problems in my relationships, caused problems with my studies at the time and I was also taken out of something that would have been best benefit for me. All of which caused me immense pain in my life.

At 25 years old I've reach a position where I make enough money to have tools to assist/support me to better myself. Now that I've reached this position I have been wanting to progress faster as I see areas of myself that I need to improve. What I do see in myself is an impatience with how slow this progress is going to take to improve and reach the better me. I want the progress in these areas to be fast. But in reality it is a lot slower and will take longer. That's life.

I realise that the way to go about progression is to take it bit by bit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with putting on weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with building muscle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with being/becoming the best I can be for my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with being/becoming the best I can be in process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with learning MMA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with learning how to cook

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with learning about nutrition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with building a studio in my apartment for future projects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with my body healing from living a life of survival and rough times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with getting to focus on all these aspects of myself that I need to change, improve and better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with money coming in to assist/support myself to progress The way I'd like to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with my self-growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with my progress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my body to shape and mold how I want it to be faster rather than slowly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with my health not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impatient with the life that I'd like to create for me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that progression will take a step by step and bit by bit process

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I'll be progressing bit by bit even if it does take slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to see quick and fast result of change and improvement in who I am as a person and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that soon as I put time into what I want to progress in, I will have progressed that one bit further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to have the progress be noticeable when I focus on changing my eating habits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that it will be a slow journey, but each time I focus, I will progress.

When and as I see myself being impatient with my progress in all aspects of my life - I stop and I breathe - I realise that it is going to be a slow journey, but each time I focus, I will progress.

I commit myself to focus on all that which I'd like to progress in to be able to progress bit by bit.

Danielle

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DAY 95: Focus On Self

I have a want/desire for a partnership. I've seen it come up within me a few times as I consider individuals that I have met or am friends with. But, because of what I've been through in my life I don't want a relationship in my life at this time. I grew up in a disadvantage family environment, at the age of 13 I left school, at the age of 14 I became a full time carer for my disabled brother and that became my life until I was assisted/supported out of that position when I was 18 years, when I was 20 - 21 people who were supposed to be assisting/supporting me did injustice things that lead me into having mental instability, lead to homelessness and ever since then I've been doing my best to assist/support myself while doing process. So, I've not had a life where I can develop properly, go out experiencing going on a first date, testing the waters with other women, I have not completed my dip pro courses, I didn't have the money to assist/support myself to listen to relationship success support interviews, etc. I haven't had the time focus on ME. So, a partnership isn't the best for me right now. Friendship and testing the waters is which will be fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I can use the space in my apartment to have a focus on everything that I'd like it to be/become for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that it's important to focus on creating who I want to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I am not ready for a partnership in my life as a result of all the situations/events that have caused damage to my life and lost progression

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I need to assist/support myself before having a partnership

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I have to go through a lot of stuff within myself before I can have a partnership

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realise/understand that having a partnership now would mean that I miss all the moments that I could use to assist/support myself in creating who I'd like to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that friendship and testing the waters with females would be the best options for me as I work on getting myself prepared and ready for a partnership once I've investigated the damage, feel ready, and prepared to take another person on in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to have a partnership so that they can ask me the questions that I don't bother to ask myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can have a partnership later on in life when I have assisted/supported and built myself up and into someone who is ready for commitment in assisting/supporting another to live their utmost as well as myself.

I commit myself to test the waters and go on dates with females when I can make the time.

I commit myself to work on building my own life, goals and preparing myself to be ready for partnership later on life.

I commit myself to first assist/support me

Danielle

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DAY 96: Be With The Body

I am learning to express myself through MMA movements with a group who becoming more comfortable with me. I like working with learning with a group. It helps me to see where I have to improve, I get to practise the moves on them, they show me how it's done, they don't go easy on me and we have a laugh in the process. It's very enjoyable. In the three days that I've been learning MMA, I've noticed that I have more of a focus on getting everything right and less on the breathe. The breathe for me is a way to keep to myself but be here present with all things. It helps me to be aware of my body and see where I need to improve. When I am so focused on getting movement right and not be breathing I am less effective at MMA. I don't get to feel all the body's sensations of MMA. Only certain parts as the one move I am trying to get right. But with the breathing I can focus on the whole body and it helps make me less tense. It is not just the focus on getting everything right that prevents me from having a full focus on breath. It's the thoughts, worries and fears I get swept up in when participating in the group. The thoughts consist of insecure about how thin my body is, fear of not getting the move right, fear of what the group may think of me, fear of the other person not feeling comfortable, the person not wanting to spar with me, etc. Etc. All this steals my focus away from just breathing and being with the movement what I experience.

The body naturally learns. It is about getting that muscle memory in the movement. My body will remember of its own accord what it felt like, what it experienced, what it saw and from my own experience it's when I start to think do much that I forget the movement. So, breathing and being with the movement is what helps me learn faster and trusting the breathe will help me remember quicker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people think of my how thin my body is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when people could not tap me out and blamed it on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to MMA classeses in fear of what people will think of my body weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally that people define my body as boney

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my coach becoming frustrated with me if I don't get the moves right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the other females think of who/how I am as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure around girls who have more muscle than I

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am letting myself down because of my body weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unhappy with my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgements about my body being underweight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that accepting my body for the way it is now will help reduce pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause pain to my body by comparing it to others then making judgements, feeling less than, and not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I can mold and adapt my body by eating right and keeping fit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on mind babble when at MMA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on getting the moves right instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on impressing those in the group.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that MMA is for me to work on improving parts of me, having fun and learning how to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego get in the way of learning MMA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego get in the way of breathing.

When and as I see myself participating in the insecurities I have about my body - I stop and I breathe - I realise that my body is not a punching bag for insecurities or any type of judgements that will limit it from expressing itself, learning something new, or breathing.

When and as I see myself focusing too much on getting moves right where I'm forgetting to breathe and falling into mind babble - I stop and I breathe - I realise that a focus on the breathe will assist/support me to learn the movements, and what I need to improve a lot quicker.

I commit myself to be disciplined with the breathe.

I commit myself to work on putting more weight on to turn it into muscle

I commit myself to be focused on the breathe when learning MMA

I commit myself to be with the breathe in all the pain and fun of learning MMA.

Danielle

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DAY 96: Sleeping For Long Hours

I work for long hours. My job requires a fair amount of physical movement. On my days off I like to go to the gym for a workout session, go to MMA classes, bike riding and sleep. What I've notice becoming a habit since I've been working out at gym, doing MMA and bike riding is I end up sleeping longer hours to avoid the feeling of physical soreness. The growing pains of the muscles in my legs and arms I can feel when I move about. When I am in bed, remaining still, unmoving and relaxing all the muscles there is no soreness. Lol. It's not a great deal of pain it is just I can feel the little soreness of muscles on the bone and find it a little uncomfortable. The factor is more avoidance of the physical effort and mental effort that life requires at times. The effort that has to go into being an effective human being, the effort of effective time management, the effort at work, the effort to be physically healthy.. It all requires some form of growing pains. Even getting past resistances can be painful. Like you're trying to climb a mountain, or getting to a goal and a challenge or a problem occurs or this happens or that happens. Then having to work through it all as you have to do that or this to solve that problem or that one and this one happens and it takes you this way, or not having enough time, etc.. All the pains of life challenges is what makes me want to sleep for longer hours. But I realise that sleeping for longer hours isn't going to take the pain away. It may take away the growing pains of the physical. But they will come back as I continue to grow.

I realise that change and growth can be painful

I realise that life will be less painful the more I take responsibility for my reactions to challenges that come up in myself and my daily living.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid the physical soreness that my body feels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid the pain of daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid writing about what is bothering me from all spheres of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid work and problems at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid the pain of getting over resistances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid what needs to be done in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid what comes up in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid daily challenges that come up at work, and other spheres in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to dream about a different world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to remain in dream land

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for longer hours to avoid the world's problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for longer hours to suppress my want to change my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for longer hours to calm down reactions that I have to certain situations/events or thoughts that arise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sleeping away the pain is the solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use physical soreness of the body as an excuse to sleep long hours

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the body for holding me back

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to sleep for longer hours to avoid problems, situationd/events, my mind, my physical soreness, work or anything that relates to avoidance of my life or living my life - I stop and I breathe - I realise that life is full of mountains to climb, problems to solve, people to deal with, muscles to build, parts of myself to be revealed, there is no end to the learning of self. But what will help it be less painful, is if I take responsibility for that which I see in myself that causes me this pain.

I commit myself to be more disciplined with writing about work, identifying points that need to be changed, moving past resistances, and to stop avoiding the pain of growth.

Danielle

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DAY 98: Being Too Much Of A Listener

Throughout my mid teen years I was not a social person. I was afraid of people to the point of not communicating with anyone outside my family. I had a lot of fears and phobias due to years of abuse from family members so I looked at everyone being just like them. I thought everyone would be like them. So I didn't speak to people and was afraid to do so. Being assisted/supported out of that situation I had to open myself up to people who were new in my life. These people were case workers, social workers and support workers. They would always help and listen to whatever I had to say attentively. They helped me learn that not all people are bad or want to abuse me. I started coming out of my shell more. But I still was a bit antisocial and stayed with myself. Which was what I preferred most of the time. I gradually started to converse with people in courses that my support workers helped me get into. I made a few and joined karate. What I would do and learned from the support workers is how to listen attentively to what people were saying. I was never much a talker so I became a listener.

Nowadays I enjoy socialising with people. I have learned a great deal from listening to people talk about their experiences in life. Everyone contains the knowledge within then and it can be accessed with time and questions. I've learned a great deal. Now that I have people who are in my life as friends I am realising that I need a good balance of listening and talking. If I listen for too long it turns into a bit like a counselling session where the individual will pour out personal information about their lives and the whole entire conversation is about then and me listening with minimal encourages. Sometimes it is then a little uneven as I've sat there not talking much myself but just listening. It has given me insight into another's lifeand they face. But as I am having more people into my life especially where it is not one on one communication and where I have to help individuals see the type of person I am... I am needing a good balance so that it's a two way street. So I realise for people to get to know me and I them I will need a good balance of being a talker and the listener.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the listener all of the time in conversations where it requires a two way street

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly be a listener in conversations with people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so focused on listening without considering to add my own input into conversations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people will think of me if I talk more about my everyday life experience, insights and perspectives and general chitchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid to talk about how I experience my life with Others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe people don't want to hear what I have to say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have to say about my every day living with people who share their every day living is pointless, not of worth, boring, and a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people and their words.

When and as I see myself remaining as the listen in conversations that are better two way - I stop and I breathe - I realise that for these people to get know me and I them it requires a two way street and if I feel comfortable to share/give then a healthy relationship can be created from both ends.

When and as I see myself being afraid of what people may think of me in all negative ways when I speak - I stop and I breathe - I realise that what people think is their own responsibility and all those negative thoughts are only going to impact on their bodies and their minds -- it does not effect me in any sort of way unless it is voiced and I react.. It is there then where I'll need to work on changing myself around that point of reaction in my personal time and space. So I realise this will be a good time to see what the mind will throw at me.

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Danielle
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DAY 1: Where I Am At In Life

Last Wednesday I decided to send in my two weeks resignation letter to leave my company. I have felt happier after doing so. The company I worked for was very unstable. They did not pay me correctly, they were changing my shifts without informing me, they were cutting my hours without informing me, they never communicated with me about what was going on with the clients, staff would constantly complain but remain in the company, they bosses were greedy with the money, they would gamble money away, they would overwork people, their was gossip and unprofessional behaviour from staff, they were putting staff and myself with very dangerous clients without backup and no matter how many emails you sent about all the problems that were going on, nothing would get done about them. It was just a drag working for the company. I was so happy to go through with my resignation letter.

Now that I am not working I do have to claim for the safety net that people in Australia are provided as job seekers. I am impatient to get out there working to help increase my income, but the experience I have had working for the company has made me realise that I need to be patient when looking for a job. The community care industry has a few companies that are unprofessional in some ways. I will be trying my best to stay away from those companies. If everything is done by the book, it is safer and it all works smoother. I want a company that remains professional and does everything by the book. The only companies I've heard does that is government. I cannot be too picky about where I work because government doesn't do intakes for workers all of the time. Mainly in January and mid-year. I also don't want to job hop. So, the main of what I will have to do is research and talk to people who work in the company. I enjoy talking to other support workers about their experiences. It is how I learn.
it would probably only be for a year and so working in the community care industry.

I've decided to take on a diploma in a different industry that I see really suits me. The diploma is exactly what my aligns to my degree. It is the same thing, however, if I complete the diploma then I'll be in the field a lot quicker. I've heard of organisations in this field that pay their workers good money. So, if I finish the diploma and enter into this other field... I'll be earning good money. I see the diploma and degree that aligns to what I'd be happy doing and the knowledge/information i'll be taking in as aligning to who I am as a person at the moment. It was a good choice overall. My main goal is to start my own organisation. I have had the chance through volunteering and through no want/desire of my own... to experience what it is like in various different band-aid solution organisations. In that time, I got to know how they operated, how everything was done, what people using these organisations go through/their struggles, drug addictions, stress, strain, money problems, mental health problems, lack of skills, etc. I've come to the realise that these organisations can provide opportunities to certain people to help them step up in life, but we can do so much more to assist/support. So, one thing that I will be working on is trying/attempting to create my own organisation. That the soul of it all. I guess the point of it is to give me something to do... and all these skills that I can develop along the way. That is the motive of it all. So, even if Ido not succeed I've gained from it.

To be able to get to where I'd like to go I will have to change myself. I have not put in the strength that I know I have when it comes to changing. What prevents me is that I've consistently listened to my thoughts, emotions and feelings. I'd listent to them even if they would prevent me from doing things that would assist/support me in life. I know that they are not assisting/supporting me, but at times they're overpowering. I do realise that they're just emotions..... they're only there temporarily and I do not have to follow it.

I've decided to give up on my addictions to social media and entertainment videos on YouTube. I am on a 30 day challenge to see if it settles me down and how my mind will be without these. I've let go of a lot. I am interested in making sure that I live out healthy habits. As I said paragraphs above, I have a unit that is very central to park and the city center. I used to complain about my unit.... until I had realised that I what I pay is very cheap for what I have. I started to look at my unit entirely different. I used to sleep in until 8:30 when not working.. I now wake up 6:30 to go for a walk in the local parks and say good morning to everybody I walk past. It is very fun to do that. I've decided to join jogging groups and start bring people with specific words that I see in them into my life. So, everything in my life is very good. It is all about changing me, applying new skills, and bringing new people into my life.

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Danielle
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DAY 7: Road Rager

Before I had my driver's license I used to have to be a passenger in someone else's vehicle. On occasions the drivers would react to people who do not follow the roads rules. They would swear about people who do move when there is a green light, become frustrated with people who are not coming out of a car park properly, people who are right up the rear of ones car, etc. My way of looking at these people would be ''What's the point of becoming emotionally reactive to what happening on the roads'', ''Take a breathe, don't need to get emotional about it''. My friends would tell me that ''You'll understand once you get your license'', ''You'll experience it''. I didn't believe them. But now that I have a car and I'm the driver, I actually do experience the emotional reactions and the swearing when I see people not following the road rules or doing silly stuff. My city is known for the worse drivers.
Although it known for the worse driving, I still have to take responsibility for what comes up within/as me to/towards my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become frustrated when I see people not moving at the green traffic lights

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat about the traffic moving to slow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about entering a round-about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed about cars at the rear of my car heading the same way I'm going and having to speed up when they come to close to my rear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear when I see people making dumb decisions on the roads.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speed up in fear that people are going to be annoyed because I'm sticking to the speed limit.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go over the speed limit just to please the people behind me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe going the speed limit is uncool

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse/justify/validate the emotional reactions that I have to/towards my environment when in traffic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse/justify/validate swearing in reaction to my environment.

When and as I see myself emotionally reacting to traffic when I am driving - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I cannot control traffic, but I can control how I react to it. By not reacting to the traffic, it makes it easier for me to feel comfortable, calm, and alert when driving.

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Danielle
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DAY 8: Postponing What Needs To Be Done

I made the a few decisions to take my life into a different direction. I left the current job that I was in. The company I worked for was not doing right by the me, other staff and/or clients. That decision made me very happy. Before I left I set goals for my future. If I do not have goals I do not have an aim, time will be used spontaneously and I find that nothing really gets done. The goals were to go into a direction of study that I wanted to do and know that I'd see it through. This decision was a cool one because I get to focus on study for a year and be paid for doing so. I will have time to do what I want to do. It has allowed me to focus on my other business which just involves creating me, changing my way of living, showing me parts of me and using my time to get to know me.

To have everything go smoothly I will need an income. To be on student benefits I have to go through these processes that can push everything back. The organisation does not want to make it easy for people to receive benefits. They would rather have us all out there working. So, there are little challenges that are faced when applying for benefits. These little challenges that occur make me not want to deal with it. I'd plan to face it all, and then I would postpone it thinking that I have time, just one more day and i'll face it, and then I end up leaving it to the last minute. When the challenges come from the organisation that pushes it further back and nothing is in place until days after. However, I seem to blame this organisation for this process going to slow. But if I had of gone to the organisation as sooner, then I probably would have found out about this situation and used extra time to work on it rather than to continuously postponing and dwelling on facing it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone the process of getting on student benefits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone priorities because of the challenges that come along with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect everything in life to run smoothly without any bumps or challenging situations along the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone having to deal with organisations that have leaps and bounds that I have to go through to access their services.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy when it comes to going out to dependent on other organisations that expect me to do more work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel very annoyed with the process that people have to go through just to access benefits to assist/support themselves with the basics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about how people are treated by the workers because we are accessing benefits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it wrong or bad to receive benefits.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that people should be entitled to receive their basics in life regardless of if they're working or not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at the australian government

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry with the system every which way I look when it comes to these organisations.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoid going to this organisation because of my own reactions to their processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to have fun instead of facing these processes to have a basic income until I finish my studies.

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Danielle
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DAY 9: Getting What Needs To Be Said Off Of My Chest

I want to write all of this out as I know that I won't be able to move on until it is out.

I'd like to share the situations/events that I've had to deal with for the last 4 years. I came to a community to walk a process out of my mind and into life. A rebirthing process. The process that everyone in this particular community does. What made this extremely difficult for me in the problems that certain individuals in this community were creating for me. The beginning of these problems was a due cause of me being taken advantage of in a vulnerable position. The person that was disrespecting me continued to create problems behind the scenes and that eventually lead to extremes problems for me. The way that this person was treating me, lead me into a mental breakdown and without any assistance/support, even in a suicidal state. I was taken out of my course and told that I was responsible for all of this. When this person knew exactly what she was doing. I was just cast out of my courses, treated disrespectfully, and told to see a psychologist. I went to see a psychologist and they gave me the solution to this whole situation. I report back to the individual that caused the problems in the first place, and she told me that ''we think the psychologist isn't going to be beneficial for you''. But yet, I still had to go see the psychologist to get back into my courses. Then I didn't have anyone to assist and/or support in that time... because they told me that the psychologist wasn't going to be beneficial for me. So, that lead to more damage being created... Then I was supported to go live with a male who participated in this community. There was no ... ''Danielle, I think you should reconsider your decision'', ''Danielle, considering your instablility at the moment we don't think you should do that''.... There was no assistance/support from that individual in any sort of way. As a result I end up homeless in a city, and I'm still required to see a psychologist.. I get no assistance/support from that individual.... I'm being told to suppress another individal from my mind as a requirement to come back into my courses, I'm being told to write until she is satisfied... I'm being treated in all these bizarre ways that were really effecting me. This person knew that her ways were affecting me but she did not change herself to be of assistance and support. Further it went on, and I was extremely upset by how I was being treated and still having to work with that individual to return to my course because I was told that I couldn't go to anyone else in this community regarding my courses. That person was very nasty, mean, and spiteful towards me.

To assist and support myself I had to create a fake name. Thankfully I did this because this community would be a dark place for me if I had not of done that. I got to work with individuals who had an intent to assist and support me in my process. I felt comfortable with these people and was able to calm myself down and be stable. If I did not do this in the time that I was homeless, I don't think I would have been able to handle the situations/events that were being pushed on me and forced in my life just because I wanted to do my courses. I have never left this community. People thought I did, but I never have. I've always been writing, I've been sharing most of my writing, and I've always participated in my own little way.

In that time people found out that it was me under another account. I was then told to write 40 blog post to come back into my courses. In this time, I knew that it was very unnecessary for me to have to do anything to come back into my courses. I having used different names realised that new people can just walk in and participate without having to do anything.. So why am I being treated disrespectfully and unfairly in comparison to new individuals. It was really unnecessary. I worked will under a different name with the people who would work with me, etc.. But, the people who would consistently live out the pattern of expecting me to do something to have access into my courses were never ones that really wanted to assist and/or support me. These people were creating a mindset to think that I need to do something to come into my courses. That should not be on. This is why I behaved to/towards these people the way that I did. I should not have to do anything to go into the courses to assist and/or support myself in my process.

What the second individual told me to do was to prove it to them. My writings are about changing myself... not about proving to these individuals anything. I do not need to prove anything to anyone... Writings are about changing myself... So, these individuals were distorting the point of writing and making it be about themselves. My reasons for writing should have nothing to do with these people. They should be about me changing myself. So, in that time, I was very upset continously with these people for the way they were treating me. They would see me being very upset in emails to them and now I realise it was me giving what they were giving to me. The outflow consequences of their treatments. I never behaved these ways to my friends, my family and/or people that I would meet. It was just to these individuals. The second individual eventually tried to deter me away from the community and the courses. Even know this individual has access to everything and knows the value of it, she tells me that it's not for me... come back in two years time... First hand, I came to this community to walk, not to have people try blame me for things they did wrong, and/or take me away from my courses that are designed to assist and support those who want to walk their process. So, again I never gave up on walking my process even despite people trying to sabotage it on me.

This individual eventually passed me to the next person. Who pretty much did the same things. Lied about what they did, tried to say that the first individual didn't say this or that, that person put me under agreements that were not beneficial for me, and said that these are our terms and conditions. I did say that it is not necessary for me to be under agreements and/or do 3 months with someone without courses, all of it was unnecessary because I did need this process.. I simply wanted the normal way of doing things that was not causing anymore trouble. But, again, I was never listened to, or asked any questions... and then I was put with someone who lived out the same patterns as the last person, and a filter was put on my writings on the forms which was affecting me further, and was not assisting and supporting me. They would argue with me to say ''we are trying to assist and support you''. None of it was. Not once did these individuals ever ask if it was assisting and supporting me or how i would my courses to go, or what would be comfortable and beneficial for me in my process. They continued to make all the decisions, try deter me away, not bother tell me who I will be working with, continue to create patterns, try blame me or make out there is something wrong with me, be/become annoyed when I would speak about how i would be treated on my social media account.. because they didn't want people to come ask questions, etc. then when I start asking questions they don't want to communicate for a year and I'm taken off of the forums, my accounts deleted, and even to this day not allowed under my real name to do my courses. So these were reasons behind my behaviours that people have seen of me.

These people never decided to change their ways so it continued for years. Thankfully I did not give up on myself in this time. I continued to go after what I wanted. In a few months time I will definitely have the courses to assist and support myself. With or without an approval. Ever since these people have left my life and their disservice ways it has been very beneficial for me in my process. I have not had any abuse people in my life since they have left. I am very glad for it. These people never assisted or supported me the moment the first individual did wrong. So, I am very pleased and happy to continue on in my process along with the courses in a few months time.

I do believe that had this people consider me in all of this... meaning using the knowledge/information that they have access to and applied it with me... none of it would have happen. everything would have been ok. Hopefully they have learned from this and do not treat anyone else like that.

Thanks for reading. Now I can continue on in my process.

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