DAY 21: Turn A Weakness Into A Strength
For some time now I have been dealing with traumatic memories that would come up in my day-to-day living. These memories of a person who treated me horribly in the past. I do tend to react to these memories as they haunt me every single day. What this person did to me, her words, the lies, the bullying, the conflict she created, the degrading of me, how she made turn against a part of me, how this person knew that it was hurting me, but still continued to harm, how this person took advantage of me in a vulnerable position, how this person was supposed to be assisting and supporting me, but was instead turning me against myself, using her influence over me to fulfill her own agendas, etc. So, every single day, this comes up in my mind and the memories send alarm bells. What I simply do is breathe & forgive the reactions. However, despite me doing that, it comes up in my life every single day. A reminder of what that person did, how she did, how it made me feel, and then there is all the reactions that come along with the memories.. It cane be a very emotionally draining on my whole my day. That is not to mention the feeling of not having a choice of who I go with in my life partner. That is a glimpse of something that comes every single day of my life as a severe traumatic experience hat another person created for me in my life.
Now, nothing has been down about what I've been through and I am still trying to process what had actually been done to me. Whilst I had certain people in my life who did nothing to stop what was going on, it seemed that everyone wanted to blame me and not look at the real picture of what had actually happened. So, because other people were blaming me and acting like I was responsible for what they created when all I was the one trying o assist and support myself mean't that I could not get the full picture of what happened, and continued to make out that I was to blame. When I was actually not to blame. I went to see psychologist, I did everything these people told me to do (not knowing that one person was actually causing the problems), and this one person just continued to tear me down to fulfill her own beliefs of what they thought would be of assistance and support. Which was not ever going to be of assistance and support for me because it did not come from a choice of my own that wasn't influenced by pressure, and being taken advantage of.
I have admittedly, had some revengeful thoughts to get justice, but I know these thoughts are not me and that is just being/becoming a coward in a lot of ways. The best way to go about what was done and to heal what has been done is to create something that makes it so that other people do not have to experience what I had gone through and the trauma that comes along with it.
The want to create my organisation came when I observed the process of group therapy sessions at a Youth camp. I liked the whole process of people being vulnerable with one another. We arrive to the camp, everyone would be a little stand-offish, some people knew each other, some people didn't, there would groups, they were uncomfortable with one another, and some would be shy. That would all change after one group therapy session. After one of group therapy everyone felt closer to each other. They knew what their fellow participant was going through, they supported one another, they became more confident, they became more outgoing, they would hug each other, and the camp just had a really relaxed vibe. I liked that process because we are when we start to dig deep and voice whats going on inside ourselves, then it reveals we are not so different and shows to everyone that we are all struggling with some problem in one way or another. Lol... Basically, no one in this world is without the pain that exist within it. So, I wanted to start with creating group therapy session and support groups for people as a started for my organisation. I find that creating a support group and scheduling group therapy sessions for the group is an inexpensive way to kick start. Bringing closer to home, I found that in my city we lack a support group and/or group therapy for people who are interested in same-sex intimately & sexually or who have a want to have a intimate partnership with same-sex. I want to be able to help people accept this part of them, I do not want people to victimise themselves because of outside factors, I want people to understand that who they choose to go with is their choice, and no one elses choice. As well as several other things that have to be molded into the ''solutions phase'' after the problems have been discussed. This I choose to start with because it is healing for me and a great way to start my organisation. I have a lot of work ahead of me, I have to meet with a lot of people, but all going to be fun none the less.
So if someone does something to you that causes extremely problems for you and your life, the best way to deal with it is to make it so that no one else has to go through that. If I had anything such as a program that was on offer or I had some awareness that what the person was ssaying was not ok and if I was not an easy target, then I would have been able to recognise what was going and I would not have allowed it. So, creating programs, making use of what desteni provides, educating other people, informing other people, ensuring that people understand their rights, etc... that's the way to go about it. This is a way more beneficial then revenge.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my right to choose who I want to be with as a partner is up to other people and not myself when these memories come up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have a choice of who i'd like to be with as my partner in this life time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to memories within a traumatic experience when I see these memories come up in my day-to-day living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that these people can make decisions for who I go with in my life.
i forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that creating an opportunity for other individuals to not go through what I went through is the way to ensure that people do not go have to eperience this and can remain true to themselves despite what the outside would wants of them or expects of them as the only way to be happy is to make sure that one is not just being the expectations of those around them and making that decisions/choice to be who they want to be so long as it does abuse life.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that to heal is to stop reacting & focus on what matters.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to allow for memories of these events take up a large part of my day-to-day living
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to anything about what happened to me when I can make it so that other people have a support network to prevent things like this occurring
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for those events in the past when I had done everything I could in that time to assist and support myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to blame myself for having been naive
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not having had the right education or awareness of what that individual was doing to me in that time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a disgusted by what that individual did every time the memories come up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough to create something that will assist and support others.
When and as I see myself reacting within trauma to what happened to me & what was done - I stop and I breathe - I realise that people may have their opinions about who I should go with as a partner, but the choice will always be mine and if I do not wish to be with someone then I do not have to be with that individual, and if there is someone that I do want to be with and they want to be with me in the same, then that is a choice too, if someone doesn't wish to be with me, then ok, that decision is theirs, all in all it comes down to decision and no one can decide that for me.
When and as I see myself having violent revengeful thoughts - I stop and I breathe - I realise that seeking a violent revenge is a cowardice act that only puts another in the same positions of the person who created conflict in the first place.