DAY 30: Disappointment When Not Seeing Through A Challenge That I Set For Myself
In a previous blog I talked about a structure that I use to compartmentalise knowledge/information. How I created the structure was when I wanted to create my own type of university online based schoolish website. lol. I was fed-up with debt, deadlines, not being able to complete the units because of other circumstances occurring, some of the lack of creativity in the assignments, and the clear fact that I could learn everything that I am learning just by knowing the vocabulary, the online websites, purchasing books, and meeting up with other people who have the interest. Then I went that step further and started planning how I would create my own learning place that had everything a university would have but just without deadlines, allow for students to create their own assignments, have all the tools provided to them for that set discipline, etc. I came up with something that was a little cool, but maybe too complicated for some. However, like everything that I try to bring to life I plan it all out and I reach that point of realising that I need money..... I had to put it on hold. I started working with my structure molding it and adapting it... I then just became used to using it for myself. It is now apart of my life and assists/supports me. It keeps my life structured and I like that. Now everything that I do is like an assignment that I have to complete. How this has helped me recently is it keeps me focused on the breathe, helps me to recognise what I am accomplishing every single day, helps me with time, it helps me to breakdown my participation in moments down into periods which easier to manage, reminds me of what I need to do, and helps me to forgive every single thought that I have. That being said, what tends to happen is when I am around other people, that all goes out the window.
I will go to visit people close to me who I give a lot of focus to. In that time, I will lose focus on the breath, being aware of my body, and forgiving all of the thoughts that are coming up. I will then experience a tumbling effect. I will feel disappointed in myself that I lost that discipline and I'll start having thoughts that stem from that disappointment and giving up on bothering to correct myself and continue with the structure. The comparison to this is like setting oneself a challenge and not seeing it through. With my structure, I set myself an assignment with every task that I do reminding myself of what I have to do. What is included in that is being aware of the body, breathing, and forgiving thoughts whilst doing what I need to do in my daily living. It's either a end or a complete while I am completing the task/assignment. If I do not remember to do those things, I do not get a complete I get an 'end'. What I aim for is the complete as I would like to be disciplined with remaining here, breathing, and forgiving thought GARBAGE that could take away my focus and I lose valuable concentration on the task at hand. This is a little hard on myself but removing the tumbling effect and the disappointment when I do not get a 'completed assignment' is kind of unsatisfactory so I have to do better and be more disciplined with it. It is very rewarding when I remain consistent with breath, when I do forgive thoughts and when I am aware of the body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed when I do not complete every single task that I do whilst remaining consistent with breath, forgiving thoughts, and being aware of my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at marking myself with an 'E' (end) instead of a 'C' (complete) on task and assignments that I set for myself, to mean ''I am a failure'' when all it means is that I need to be/become more disciplined with being aware of breath, forgiving thoughts, and being aware of the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less of myself around those who are close to me in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up once I've spent more than hour out of my structure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a tumbling effect when I do not complete the tasks, challenges or assignments that I set for myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am letting myself down when I fall into autopilot
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a fall equals quit
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the challenges that I set for myself.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that no matter what situations I am in, what comes first and foremost is being aware of the breath, forgiving my thoughts and reactions, and remain focused on the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the environment for me not being disciplined.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my personalities come through instead of remain here and being myself with those closest to me.
When and as I see myself going into a tumbling effect - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I may have fallen, and forgotten, but that does not mean I quit/give up, what it means that I step up/get up, and be/become more disciplined, and correct where I had fallen.
When and as I see myself not being myself going into autopilot with those closest to me - I stop and I breathe - I realise that being in the moment with those who are closest to be will allow me to be more focused, more comfortable and more of myself.
I commit myself to be use my structure when I am with those closest to me
I commit myself to not give up on myself