Danielle's Writings

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

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DAY 10: Fears, Insecurities and Worries About Meeting Up With Friends

I have a friend who I have known for three years. We have conversed back and forth through social media. She and I relate a lot in who/how we are as people. We both see the world the same way, we both are passionate about making changes to our lives and so the world itself. We haven't been able to catch up for a long while due to work and other priorities. When we do catch up we talk about various different points in our lives that has happened to us and our views on the world issues/problems that exist. We do have a lot in common in the way we see the world and how we want to discover ourselves a great deal more. She doesn't know a lot about Desteni and we never really had the time to speak about it. I don't like to go overboard speaking about Desteni with people who tend to have a defense mechanism up at the sound of the word. But that is a point for another day. She has continuously stated that she is eager to catch up for a chat. I have wanted to catch up with her but I have a lot of insecurities and fears that prevent me from picking a date and time to meet up. I've used excuses that a family member is very sick at the moment, which is true, but I acted as though it is affecting me. It is affecting me but it's not as much because I was never all that close to the person. So I used it as an excuse when I could go see her instead of putting it off. I've been like that for a while now where I want to distance myself from my friends. I have so many great friends that I have not wanted to connect with again or meet up with. I've wanted to avoid people so that I could purely focus on what I wanted to do for my own life and to focus on healing from the situations/events that were caused by having certain individuals in my life. Because that was the sole problem and the issue was these people treating me horribly which had great impacts to my life in various different ways. So, it is a combination of wanting to recover from the trauma and the trouble that certain individuals caused for me in my life as well as focusing on changing my relationship to the system. This I preferred to focus on then to visit friends and/or family. Recently I ran into a friend from my old courses whom was very pleased to see me and speak to me. I pushed through my own reaction which was a disappointment and resistant reactions as I didn't really want to speak to anyone at that time and/or run into this person. I've never argued with this individual nor have we not had great times with one another.. I simply just wanted to be alone and focus on my projects. I find that I prefer doing that a lot lately. I believe that the recovery process is one that is much more necessary then having a social life or meeting up with people a long with creating myself with various projects. But, I am pushing a lot of people away by simply focusing on recovering, and creation of myself. People can be in my life to assist and support me with a lot of things…. However, there is also a resistance to listen to people because everyone has a problem. I find that many people whom talk to me want to talk about their problems. Sometimes I think that people take my genuine listening skills for granted by speaking so much about their problems. I've not enjoyed that for a long time. I've not wanted to converse with people because it eventually just ends up in the directions of them speaking about their problems and issues. Like they just want to get it off of their chest to discharge everything. I can understand that this is something we all want to do. What can be a problem is when I start taking their issues/problems on as my own and/or I start process what they've said then I cannot turn off to it. So it start affecting me.. Then I start reacting to it all. That has made me distant to speaking with people. It's a bit of both the people and the choice of people in my life. My friend who wants to really meet up is not a person who just continuously speaks about her problems. I'm so happy about that. She is upbeat, happy and make me laugh. I do want to see her again. It's just pushing past these fears, insecurites, and worries.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my friend wanting/desiring and/or being interested in having a partnership/relationship with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my friend will think of my state of my body as a result of losing weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my friend will think if I spoke about some problems/issues that I am dealing with at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a buzzkill when speaking with my friend and letting her know what I've been through and what I am processing in my recovery process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to distance myself from my friends to recover and focus on myself when my friends assist/support me to recover

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when seeing my old friends and them wanting to come speak to me and/or catch up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose with my closest relatives because they aren't people that focus on the good sides of life and are facing challenges times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my closest relative is not beneficial for me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to just talk to people who I can have a potential partnership with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop talking to people because of the reaction I have to/towards the problems that they share with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid my friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid certain family members who are beneficial to have in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being honest with Person N when I meet up with her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear person N being interested in me intimately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a relationship with person N

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing an opportunity to have a potential partnership with Person N.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my friends are a waste of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what it would be like for me and Person N if we were to meet up and making it seem bad in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that barricading myself away from establishing great friendships with people is beneficial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the great people who I have in my life

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to use the potential that I know I have to be able to establish a balance between relationships, work and study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not include communication as a daily goal for me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have a say in the direction of the conversations that I have with people.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that people just want to be able to get what they need to say out

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that people confiding in my about their deepest thoughts is not an issue, it is the way I react to their thoughts and words that make it an issue.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that if people are simply cycling in their own problems and nothing changes then I can let go of the person if I so choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on helping myself to go help my friends when they're in need all the time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I cannot help every one of my friends when they're going through problems.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can be an ear for my friends when they need and that can be enough.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to communicate with friends who are very beneficial to have in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will come up in communication with Person N.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what my friends will think of me when they notice difference in my appearance.

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

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DAY 11: Taking On Other Peoples Responsibilities

The company that I used to work for is being audited. People that are partner and/or part of the NDIS are going through everything to find out if everything meets up with the legal frameworks and standards. What this company has been doing for years is hiring people that have no experience or training to work with clients who have a disability and/or mental health condition. This has put the clients and the support workers at risk. Speaking to a friend who still works there, the NDIS have made it mandatory for this company to hire people with a disability certificate. Workers have now been sent out emails saying that they have to have a certificate in disability. My friend is in the process of completing her certificate in disability. She was told that she has to have atleast four units completed to prove that she is doing and provided proof within a month and if she cannot give proof before than she won't be given any hours. She has not had a lot of time on her hands to complete it. She has children and looking after them takes up a lot of time along with working. So, I took some of her units on board to complete for her.

What this has done to my routine is pushed everything that I had planned to do with my free time when not working, all the way back. I want to complete it to help her out. However, I've created in annoyance and frustration about it when I have to study a unit that is not mine. I have my own studies that I have to push back to complete someone else's. I find it a difficult experience and I've been complaining about it ever since I took on the responsibility. The complaints don't really do any benefit for me because I cannot just leave my friend in the lurch on this one. She has been very understanding and tells me not to stress about it, or if I cannot do it then don't worry… But, in saying that, if I do not help her.. No one else is going to help her complete her assignments. What it just comes down to is have a disciplined, well-structured routine, setting aside the things that can wait, starting on my units, and doing hers when I can. Otherwise, I'm setting myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed and frustrated about having to complete someone else's assignment when my own have to be done too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel extremely annoyed and frustrated with Person G for not completing her assignments in the months that she has had the course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mentally prepare to kick person G out of my life because of this situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting person G know that I cannot complete the assignments right away as I have my own things to do for my studies, my development and so my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat ''I finally get stable in my life, have all the time in the world to do things I want to do, and then people come into my life and take my focus away from doing what I have to do for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel extremely annoyed about the situation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I come first in my life and so Person G's studies can come last.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put person G's assignments first over my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that my assignments are the priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on someone else's responsibilities because I felt sorry for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am in debt to Person G because she chooses to come into my life and give her feedback, opinions and assistance/support when I do not even ask for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on another person's assignments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about the responsibility of the studies that I now have to complete.

When and as I see myself complaining about having taken on the studies to assist/support a friend through a rough time - I stop and I breathe - I realise that by completing the assignment/studies for my friend, she will be able to keep her hours, she will be able to keep up with providing for her family, and everything can run smoothly again.

I commit myself to, at this time, live by the structure 2 hours study, 1 hour workout, 2 hours of my study and 1 hour workout to get ahead in my studies and to complete my friend's assignment.

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

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DAY 12: Getting Comfortable

I made the decision to leave my job as a support worker a few weeks ago. I worked for a terrible company to say the least. I did plan on applying for positions in better companies, but I wanted the time to focus on self-development and working on creating my businesses. I've had a hectic life so far and I needed time to for me. Full-time study is my only option to having that time to focus on myself and self-development. Those are the two options that we are given if we want money. Lol. Work or go into debt then have to pay off that debt later when you're working for money. Crazy. Luckily, I chose something I will thoroughly enjoy learning at little cost. I am ok filling my mind with knowledge/information about how to develop communities. Other subjects, I was not to keen on. Getting back on track, I wanted to use the time to focus on myself and my businesses and now is the perfect time.

Diving into my businesses, I've wanted to upgrade my equipment for better quality. However, not working comes with a sacrifice. I do not have the income I did when I was working. I have less and it is only going to cover my basics. So, I've had to give up a little of my time for a part-time job. When I was working as a support worker I had a cleaning business on the side. I had one client at the time and that is all I could manage. I did have potential clients call me to ask if I was able to come clean there house once a week, but I had to turn them down because of my other job. It was an enjoyable experience cleaning. It was not a job that I did for money, I did it because it was something of my own that I could control, mold and adapt. I wanted to see if I could manage my own business. I proved to myself I could. I enjoyed it. I had to let go of my client who was a friend of a family friend who worked in a high place so we had that extra trust. But, I had to let her go because I felt that cleaning wasn't for me. However, now is a good time to start it up on the side to bring in some money for my other businesses that I want to get off the ground.

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

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DAY 13: Rants, Life Directions, and Self-development

My childhood was not the best of childhoods. What made my childhood challenges was the issues/problems that they themselves had. My mother married my father when she was young and then they had 5 children together. I do have great memories of my parents ever being there for me unless something major had happened. I was kind of left to my own device to do whatever I wanted to do. If I wanted to go for a long bike ride to other suburbs at the age of 6, then I'd do it. If I wanted to go to a friend's house blocks away, then I'd be able to do that too. I did not have a strong parental guidance growing up. My parents never taught me anything of value. I was not shown how to pay my taxes, how to cook, how to spell, how to read, how to write, advice about dating girls, sex education, how to wash my clothes, how to pay bills, how to link into social services, what type of services were out there in the system that could assist and support. This made growing up rather difficult and challenging. My parents did not invest a great deal of time into being parents. My father was an alcoholic so I did not have a great deal of respect for his words or anything of that nature. Both parents did work long hours to keep us all fed, clothed, etc. But no real time was spent on teaching us about life. That's probably because of money issues, personal relationship issues, my father's alcohol problem, etc. I spent my life not knowing what was out in the world other than what I was shown in school... I was never excelled at school, so I left at the age of 13. I was then thrown back and forwards from my father to my mother. Those were my only options at the time. To live with an alcoholic, or live with my mother and care for my disabled brother. I ended up living with my mother where I had to care for my brother while my mother worked. Caring for my brother mean't that I had to give up on my own life essentially and focus on him. That went on for a number of years where I started becoming conditioned to ''this is what I must do''. I remember one time being verbally abused because I went to a friends house to do my assignments for school and leaving my brother with my older brother. I was then verbally abused for doing so. So, it became something that was ''my responsibility''. Not getting to have a social life, I had become addicted to online chat games which consumed most of my time when having to remain at home to look after my brother whilst my mother worked and/or wanted a social life. Further abuse went on as I was my mother's emotional punching bag. It all got to the point where I was terrified to leave the house because I thought everyone was like my family or my mother. I lived in a house all of the time and never left for approximately 4 years right up until I was 18 years of age where I had to be rescued from that situation. In that time I was lucky to find Desteni which assisted/supported me to change and stop reacting to my family when they were abusive. It opened me up to various stuff. Because in that time, when you live in purely survival mode which was what I was living in, and a life like that becomes the norm, you start wondering what the purpose of life, and from the age of 12 I was investigated the illuminati, government, aliens, spirituality, etc. My mother had various spirituality books so I would read her books, then I was introduced to vocabulary like 'Self', I started to meditate, I wanted to speak to angels, I believed in reptilians (lol), I investigated the Quran, I searched for the meaning of life, and I stumbled upon one of Bernard's video which lead me to Desteni. I definitely found what I was looking for at the age of 16. I understood what it was for, and I began to stop reacting to my family.

It was interesting to watch two people (my sister and my mother) verbally abuse me to try get a reaciton of me. But, with what I had learned from Desteni, I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't react back. It was an eye opener. When I got out of my mother's control when I was 18... I knew nothing about the system. For me it was like a massive adventure, and I was so curious about this world. I had learned about it through documentaries and the system being horrible I knew that there were problems, etc.. But, I was still curious and wanted to go out to be a part of this world. My first interaction with people outside of my family was with a social worker. She showed to me that there were good people out there. Anyways, I started to fear this world less. I ended up having to go live with my father for awhile as there were conflicting between other family members. My father's alcohol addiction soon caused problems and I was homeless. That's when a service took me and I went to live at the Sunshine Coast with an organisation watching over me and helping me to get my life sorted. There I had the most amazing time. I was getting to live in houses that were beautiful near the beach, beautiful forest areas, etc. It was a wonderful place. I was giving a lot of opportunities for an education. I jumped into each one. I had such a great time in this new environment. What happened though, 8 months in, is that I went back to live with my father because I was afraid of what would happen after I left the organisaiton... when I did not have their assistance and support. That was a mistake that I had made... Because going back mean't that I had to be with people who didn't want to change themselves or work for better and more. But, I knew that I would be going to pursue a career goal of mine so I went there, and I had in mind to do the DIP pro courses. Fast track all of that, I eventually got what I wanted. I was doing the preparation courses for both university and dip. However, what happened in and around that time is that a situation that did not need to be what it was... became what it was as a result of people misleading me and their stupidity. I started victimizing myself because these people thought that my like and interest for another person to be my partner was ''obsession''. When it was not. They told me that is what it was, and then they started being real nasty. They would lie to me saying that ''You can't prove that you're not in a relationship with that person'', and then when I needed assistance/support they continued to accuse me of ''fantasies'', and further causing conflict with me when I needed assistance/support with the point. Not receiving any assistance and support with this and people making me feel like me being interested in someone was ''bad''... me wanting to know if that person was interested in me was ''wrong'', and also with the extra conflict that this person who was abusing her role and position as 'assistance/support' was treating me lead me into a mental breakdown and turned me against myself. Which lead to all of these sitution occuring and then I get taken out of my courses, told to go see a psychologist, then when the psychologist helps me to be accepting of my chosen sexuality and me liking girls and assists/supports me to go find someone else and/or look for a girl/women at university ... which was a wonderful solution for me and what I wanted in my life... This I would have to say evil person ... decided to say that ''We believe the psychologist isn't beneficial for you''. I am then left with no one to go to, I feel alone, I'm dealing with a mess of a mind as a result of what that person was doing and saying to me, and the lack of questioning and assistance/support then I go into suicide mode, and almost take my life because of what these people were doing and also the state/condition of my mind as a result of what they were doing. I was constantly told to do stupid things just to come back into my courses. I was not able to trust a psychologist after that. These people made me believe that there was something wrong with me, and with my self-image still developing in that time, that was a stupid thing to do it. I believed for a very long time that ''i'm to blame'', ''It's all my fault'', ''I'm wrong''.. Because these people made me believe that. They were wrong. There was nothing ever wrong with me. The only thing wrong was what these people were doing to me. The one thing tha ti believe they were trying to do is mentally turn me into someone who likes males. That did not work for them. They supported me to go live with a male. The psychologist could not be assistive and supportive... but hey go with this person who you do not know, who you know hardly anything about, and have a great life. This is going to be wonderful for you. ... No... Completely further from the truth. Don't worry about the mess we've created for you.. I am just trying to guess what went on in the minds of those individuals in that time that they were continuing to make my life difficult and messed up. Then they take my courses away from me. I end up going homeless as a result of all of this stupidity of other people, and I then have to use several fake names to assist/support myself to learn the tools of Desteni and/or receive assistance/support from people who are actually unconditionally assisting/supporting or whom do not have an intent to cause conflict with me or mess with my mind. It was nice to get away form people who just wanted to tear me down. However, all they continued to do was try and make me believe that I did wrong.. When I did not. All I wanted to return to is my coures and these people made it difficult and they still do by keeping me out of my courses. I am happy to work with people of my own selection who have the time, because having had many experiences with vairous different people ... I have come to know who is going to assist and support an who is only going to tear down and cause problems. I want it to be comfortable for myself and the other person, my choices are there to make a process one that is beneficial for both. The choices that they made by putting me under agreements, putting me under filters was never assistive and supportive for me... Nor were the requirements.. It simply stuffed around with my process. I was put with someone of (not my choice) who didn't not read a email that I sent and after having sent that email to both the admins and this individual that I was told I had to go with, that person not having read it, and coming to me to accuse me of not communicating... This person caused conflict.... in that person's position he should not be behaving like that. With all the knowledge/information that is given freely, that situation should not happen to a client. I eventually get blamed for that and made to believe that I am again in the wrong and responsible for that. I am taken out of my courses for one year instead of given someone who I prefer to work with, the filter taken of my writings, and me being able to work this process on my terms. What makes me comfortable and happy. Not with people who are going to deliberately cause conflict and say ''This is what desteni is for.. to challenge you''... Acting like they're doing me a service. When what they really have been doing is tearing me down for years. Which has not been ever assisting or supporitng. they did this all without questioning if what they were doing was ever assistive and supportive. Not one of them came to question me about it. It really has changed my view of these people. I no more look at them as people who I trust, respect or value. That is my choice, and throughout my experiences, one that assists and supports me. They had many opportunities to change themselves and stop what they were doing to me, but they did not. They wanted to make me think that I was the one to blame. I'm not responsible for the way other people treat me and for them not taking notice of how this was affecting me. Their evilness is not my fault, nor is there anything wrong with me as a person.

So, they finally did leave my life. But they caused a problem for me where they continue to halt my courses. I can't do my courses because these people keep halting my account. So, I've had to come with a new way of going for my courses as a result of these people continuously behaving the ways they do and halting my accounts. There is always a consequence to the way these people treat me. I wouldn't do this to anyone else. But because of the nature of this situaiton and the people I am dealing with, they know better to not do it. But, they deliberately choose to do it. They know for every action, there is a consequence... So, when they stop creating problems for me, then it will be fine and I can continue on with my courses. But, I'll keep having to come up with and use my own plan to get my courses until they stop halting my account. That's how it is.

So having those people in my life treating me the way they did... had caused a lot of affects to my mind and my life overall. It set me back a great deal in my relationship to the system. But, I also learned a great deal being homeless, in organisations, having to access charity services, having to speak to people who were homeless, having to speak to other youth whom were homeless, watching how staff operated, what the process and procedures were all about, and I myself volunteering in different organisaitons, doing work placement at age care facility, working as a support worker in a disability and mental health company, having study Desteni, psychology, youth justice, law, disability, TESOL, criminal justice, going through domestic violence, working at a youth school, working on programs working with girls in primary schools to strengthening self-supporitng words, etc. having this wide variety of experiences lead me to come to the realization that these organisations that are on offer in the system assist and support, I feel it does not hit the core of what we need to change in our societies. I feel like not many of them focus on creating something bigger and better. I understand that it would be hard. Anyways, I decided that I didn't want to work in an organisation that I didn't have control over and wasn't focusing on the things I want to do. So, in the year that i have off from working, I've decided to create my own businesses that allow me to focus on the things that I want to focus on.

Using this year it will go towards creating my own business and self-development in various different areas. Which is what I missed out on when growing up, and in my early twenties. I am very excited about it all. For once in my life everything is subtle and stable. I will use this time to take my life in a direction that I want it to go.

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Danielle
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DAY 14: Fears About Vlogging In Public

I’ve decided to take on a 31 day vlogging challenge to help with my future projects and skill development. I do enjoy vlogging as it is a great way to get out what I’d like to say and speak about it in front of the camera. It has been assisting and supporting me to get what I want off of my chest. It has helped me with communication skills and use of different vocabularies which is helpful too. In public I do go through places where I could capture great footage or have something to say, and I am then stopped by gears of what people will say and how their expressions will be if they were to see me talking to a camera.
I do see this as a limitation. Fears like this do not benefit my future projects which involve me stepping out of my comfort zones and strengthening self-supportive words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people may or may not think when they see me talking into a camera in public

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the facial expressions and people asking me what I am doing when vlogging in public

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking in public

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear attention from people in public

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people will do if they saw me recording myself in public

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people laughing or making rude comments about me recording myself in public.

When and as I see myself being afraid to film myself in public - I stop and I breathe - I realise that people may not be used to seeing someone recording themselves and talking so it could come cause some curiosity


I commit myself to keep focused on what I am doing and not on what others are doing when I am recording myself in public.

When and as I see myself

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

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DAY 15: The Spontaneous Procrastinator

I plan out my day every morning. I have a structure that I like to use when I plan for my day. It is a detailed planning process that allows me to look at the purpose of what I'll be doing, what I will be gaining from doing it, and the words that I will be strengthening in the process of completing the task. Every is focused around what I want to gain during my day. What needs to happen for me to achieve what I want to gain is that I will need to follow through with it.

I have a resistance come up to completing a task that I have set for myself. If it is a task that I have to do instead of really want to do and involves effort (studies) then I will postpone and be spontaneous with my time. I will choose to access the internet to watch entertainment videos to avoid the time and effort involved with completing tasks that are worthwhile and potentially can change my relationship to the system. I will also procrastinate and change directions when I am busy completing a task. The result of these patterns mean that I am not putting any time or effort into working on changing myself, building new skills and then I be/become a person who is not benefitting oneself. I no longer want to be spontaneous with my time, a procrastinator, or resistant to building myself. We can be our own worst enemy. If I keep I follow these patterns, in 5 years' time I am likely to have not change anything about my life at all.

I realise that following through with my tasks/assignments that I set for day-to-day living is there to assist and support me to be/become the change I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate when I have sat down at my computer to work on my daily tasks and assignments.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I continuously applied all of my plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all the mental effort that goes into changing who I am as a person and reeducating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch entertainment videos when to numb my mind from the problems that exist for me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate to escape from completing tasks.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to follow through with the thought to watch a video right before I begin a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to distract myself from my own problems as soon as I begin to work on solving for these problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my worst enemy by being way too spontaneous with my time, and a procrastinator.

When and as I see myself about to follow the thought of watching a video right before I begin a task - I stop and I breathe - I realise that the people that I watch in these entertainment videos already have their life together and a lot of money, to have that for myself, I have to follow through with my own plans that are designed to help me bring the money in and pull my life together.

I commit myself to be disciplined with my plans

I commit myself to focus on bringing my life together and working on ways that will assist/support me to have the type of money that I want.

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Danielle
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Post by Danielle »

DAY 16: Working With Children And Young People --- Will I Cope?

I signed up to receive student welfare benefits after I quit my job as a support worker. I did not know at the time how long it would take for my application/claim to be processed. My friend did tell me that it will take more than 4 weeks to be approved. I have not experienced the process taking that long and I did not believe her so I continued to not be concerned about the time it will take. My belief was that it will take two week maximum. I soon ran into the deliberate design of the system making it challenging for the process to go quick and easy. I also have been in some very challenging situations in th past so, when the pressure is on me, I tend to turn into a person that is like ''Well, bring it on'', and I do what I can to face it and make sure I get an outcome that I want. Of course, when these challenges are in my way and I've got to face, after facing that one, and managing to pass it, then is another one, and another... It becomes an endless cycle when constantly faced with challenges. I managed to have my application approved before just after two weeks. It was not easy..... Well, because I was a little emotional, and I when I say emotional I mean the energetic reactions that I feel... that no one else can see, nor do they come out in behaviour with people who are not extremely and do not deliberately hurt me. So, I was experiencing these reactions to the situation of having to face challenges just to get some form of income to pay my rent that was almost overdue.

In that time, I didn't know when I would receive my payments or if I would be successful in moving the process faster. I knew that I need an income, so I applied for a job as a youth worker at a organisation that I knew would take me straight away. In the industry, you can tell what organisations are just constantly looking for workers, if anyone ever comes to Australia, get a certificate 3 in individual support, disability or youth work because there is always work in the disability, mental health and youth industry. So the day after they called me to have a phone interview and asked me a series of questions, they congratulated me and I was asked to come along to the group induction training and face-to-face interview. After I heard from them, I asked myself the question ''Would I be able to handle working with traumatised children & young people with challenging behaviours? ... Will i be able to cope with hearing the case studies or case background of the child? What if the child happens to be a sexual abuse victim..... how would I cope with the reactions to this... The instantaneous reactions going into this line of work is what I am concerned about. I know that our energetic reactions are not good for our bodies and I've often admittedly i've not been great to keep up with my breathing and remaining disciplined with it, but even without doing that I am stable... But I've been really slack with that. In some cases, when I do breathe, I still feel a slight reaction in my solar plexus, and because I can recognise it, then I'll kind of react to having the reaction inside myself which then becomes more consequential.

Working with disability and mental health clients was very challenging. It was challenging on so many levels. But I was able to handle that and I became used to it. For example, an outburst by a client with brain acquired injury and bipolar where you're being yelled at and/or accused of things you did not do. That would be a situation that would occur often and I had to develop ways of how to disfuse the situation, and make sure that I remain stable. Then you go home after shift, and come back the next day to do it all over again. But within that, You make progress with the client and that prevents a lot of it from happening. A client that when I was very new, happen to pull me to the ground and attack me, and then as we built up a good relationship, she loved me, and in a way considered me to be her granddaughter.. lol. She was very upset that I left and for a while grieved, but she is very understand of why I left and had to leave.

I have worked with youth in the past. One of my ex housemates was a leader of a youth camp. I would volunteer to be a support worker on these camps. This camp focused on group therapy. The teenagers who volunteered to speak, spoke about problems at home, dealings with the police, sexual abuse, etc. By the end of, everyone in the room was in tears in most discussions. Especially when it's one hour full of 'emptying the shitbucket'. Even then, I was still able to remain stable and assist/support youth where ever I could. So, working with youth is not a problem for me because I've heard all and I've also relate to them.

The cool thing about this position is that I will be having to do continuous mandatory courses and training free of charge. A requirement for if I pass this face-to-face interview, is to complete a cert in community services in 6 months, free of charge for the course, and I'm happy with that. Too easy.. Something to add to the resume. Need not worry... when it comes to working with children.... I'll definitely have to be very disciplined with my own emotional reactions and assist/support where I can.

Anyways, I think in any situation being consistent with progressing, finding ways to handle situation in the best interests of all, being very understanding and knowing that you're in that person's life for a reason, is the way to go about it.
And keeping consistent with taking responsibility of reactions and breathe.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have worried about not having the money to pay rent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my apartment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless for the third time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the real estate being very nasty to me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated, angry, annoyed with how the welfare system treats people who require money to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated, angry and annoyed with how the Australian government makes it very challenging for people to receive their welfare payments.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will read if I am to work with children who have been abused in any sort of way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own emotional reactions to working with traumatized children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will be supported by the organisation through training.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I will need to be consistent and disciplined with taking responsibility of these reactions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked by teenage clients

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I'd be able to cope working with traumatised children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about my physical body and the reactions that tend to come up when hearing about case studies or experiences that young people and children have faced in their lives that have caused trauma, disadvantage and upset in their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I can make a positive difference in their lives if I am able to get the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate my ability to handle challenging situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much this job will motivate me to want to do something to help change this world and make it best for everyone.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear all the work that I'll be taking on when working with youth.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to deal with challenging behaviours from teenagers.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/raelise/understand how I handle myself in challenging situations is what I need to be aware of.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I will mold and adapt to the situation in order to be able to be the best I can be for my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the bads out weigh the goods when it comes to working with disability, mental health children and young clients by mainly focusing on the bads and not the goods.

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

Post by Danielle »

DAY 17: Celebrating Too Soon

My cleaning business has been advertised for a week now. In the one week I've had two potential clients. It is very possible that I could have a great number of potentials, but for now I want to keep it low key. The first person that contacted me did so via the website that it was advertised on. I do not consistently check it every 10 minutes because I am busy tending to other daily tasks that require my focus. I read the message an hour from when she had sent it. I was immediately excited to have a potential client for my business. I was so excited that I wanted to celebrate and I ended up in thought about where I wanted to take this business... because if I get this person, I am back in business. I ended just celebrating rather than replying back. I had the intention to reply back once I finished celebrating. I finished celebrating 45 minutes later and then when I wrote back the reply was that she had found someone else for the job. I did shrug it off because I knew that there is high demand for cleaners, and what I've named my business, it's values, etc. Has a lot of potential to attract clients. So, I had no concerns after she had left. But I did realise that I should not celebrate too soon.
What should have been the main focus is to reply, seal the deal and then celebrate. I received another call today where I meet up with a client on Thursday, I won't celebrating until the deal is sealed then celebrating time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to celebrate before I have sealed the deal with the potential clients.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasizes about how big my business will be once I get it running at it utmost before I have even bothered to seal deal with clients.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that without clients my business will not bring in any profit.

I forgive myself that i havne't accepted and allowed myself to take client's time serious and reply back as soon as I see the messages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so focused on the future of my business instead of the here and now where is going to be built.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I need to create the steps to get to the end goal for my business which requires being in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time celebrating when I have not gained anything as it is all still very much a goal in my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that to create is to make all the connections, links, and deals in order to bring in the profit.

When and as I see myself celebrating too soon - I stop and I breathe - I realise that to create the big goals that I have, i will need to start focusing on what I have now in the here and now so I can use it to build the bigger goals.

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

Post by Danielle »

DAY 18: Cast Nets (Plant Seeds) & Leave Behind Safety-nets

The first time that I heard ideas for starting a cleaning business was when my father would talk about starting his own. My father had his own cleaning business for a while until the family member that he went into the business with ended up not being reliable. The business fell apart. He wanted to start it up again 5 years ago. I was absolutely supportive of my father's idea and offered to work on the admin sides of the business. However, that quickly passed and nothing was followed through. I can understand why he didn't go through with. My father's health has been declining for years. I used to feel sorry for my father on various levels because when he is to pass, he would have left us nothing other than some good memories. But, not financial wise. He was never taught about how to work this system, and as most people do, we end up learning everything the hard way. Sometimes the hard way, leaves us short financially, and we develop various different addictions, ways of coping with life, etc. Therefore, a lot of people just deteriorate and do bother to help themselves... because they really do know how unless somebody comes in to help, and even then, they have to want to help themselves. Some people don't and some people do. Anyways, I thought to myself, putting myself in his position, and imaging from a father's position, what it would feel like leaving behind no financial means or etc.. But, maybe I was just also adding my own way of seeing things. Because, one day I would like to leave behind a financial safety-net for my own children so that they have something to support themselves. But then I realised yesterday, that my father did leave behind something that is able to provide a financial safety-net and comes from that one seed that was planted in my mind. That seed that helped me to believe that it was possible to create a cleaning business and those cleaning skills that learned from him when I used to go to work with him. He will be leaving behind a financial safety-net for myself, and a couple of my other family members who need extra assistance and support. A cleaning business is very profitable. I have spent only a week with one small advertisement, and with one client, and word of mouth, means several clients. It's high demand. One just has to take full advantage of it. People will come. So, if it wasn't for that one seed that my father gave to me, I do not think that I would be considering a cleaning business or owning my own. I made sure I let my father know this because I know it would make him very happy and at peace in a way.

On another note, I would prefer to just manage my cleaning business rather than being a cleaner. I do not enjoy cleaning other people's houses, but what keeps me going is the fact that I am my own boss, and this is entirely my own, until I get it a little bit bigger and start employing those people who have told me that if I am looking for employees, contact me. So, it's just all in good time. The big money is in the commercial sites. Anyways.. end of. My main goal is to start my own organisation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my father will not be leaving a financial safety-net behind for any of his children.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that my father did give me a seed that I can grow into something that will assist and support my family to be able to have a decent living where we would not have imagine possible.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand the benefits of planting seeds in the minds of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down on my father because of all of his addictions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that my father preferred alcohol over being stable and himself consistently.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at my father for using alcohol to escape his life instead of realising what he has.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand how important is to be aware of what seeds we are planting in children's minds and other people's minds.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand how important it is to let children know that they can achieve and create anything that they would like to in this life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand how important it is to leave behind a safety-net if I even have children.

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Danielle
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Joined: 20 Mar 2018, 03:48

Re: Danielle's Writings

Post by Danielle »

DAY 19: Self-Improvement Comes By Learning and Applying Not By Complaining.

I started a business with little to no knowledge about how to run a business. I offer people four hour free trials because I want to learn how to run a successful cleaning business. What I like to do is go to their house, meet the client, allow them to show me around, allow them to speak about themselves, question them, share a bit about myself, and then I'll start getting to work on the cleaning once we are done with ''getting comfortable phase''. I like this part of this phase because I find out what these people do in their lives, and it helps with building a good working relationship that can be personal here and there if they want to talk about certain things. For example, having an issue about eating the meat in the fridge because they knew the cow when it was alive. lol. Random stuff like that. I like to learn from my clients. But, I am not too sure if it is good for business or not. I do not want to overstep the professional boundaries, but with my long-term clients, if they want to come to chat with me we will chat. I like challenging my clients a bit too. Lol. Hooks them in a little bit further (depending on who they are).

What one client helped me learn today is that I beat myself up quite a bit. I am learning... it's a learning process, and there is no need for me to judge and put myself down by continuously pointing out flaws and complaining about them. I started with little to no experience running a business and little to no knowledge about how to run it. So far, I'm doing a really good job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about making mistakes with my business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discourage because I made a few mistakes in the cleaning process with a new client.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to point out flaws and immediately feel annoyed at myself because I didn't or couldn't get my own way when in the process of cleaning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about the improvement that I need to make in my work ethic

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, not good enough and less confident because of the improvements that I need to make in my work ethic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unfit to run and manage my own business


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that creating this business, managing, and running it helps me to identify what I need to improve on both the business and personal sides.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I capable and able to learn more about business and turn this one into a successful business as I progress with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand putting myself out there helps to identify parts that I need to work on changing and self-improvement.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that challenges in my business help me grow as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I can have a lot of fun with clients and the business as a whole.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that running and managing a business comes with goods/bads and therfore I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that complaining about the bads and reacting to them, doesn't help to bring the good to life.

When and as I see myself complaining about what I need to improve on in my work ethic - I stop and I breathe - I realise that there are several online resources that will help me to learn about business, and learn how to do stuff that I don't know how to do. Then all i have to do is apply as I will have plenty of clients and houses to practice it all with and on.

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