writing myself to freedom

[Daniel Martinez]

overeating (continued) and a bit on self forgiveness
11/16/18

"i wondered - what would happen if instead of me being moved as that design acording to which i was programed - i move myself? what'll happen? and so i started moving within myself, but just little movements i was making." - human physical body

what i am seeing as i am trying to forgive myself is that the only way i can actually really forgive myself is if i'm willing to take self responsiblity for the point and change it (which doesnt necessarily imply already knowing the corrective action). because if i'm not willing to change/stop/take self responsibility for the point and i "forgive myself", i am being passive and actually stating that i accept/allow the point, and that is not real sf because it doesnt make sense to say "i forgive myself for allowing myself" and yet continue to allow myself to abuse myself. and this i'm able to see in the example of the point im lookiing at right now, wherein i allowed myself to make my stomach sick by overeating as addiction to stimulation as self supression, because i am actually suffering physically for allowing it and i don't see how i can actually really forgive myself if i am just going to keep allowing myself to make myself physically suffer this way, it just doesnt make sense. so am i willing to forgive myself if im not willing to change this point (wether that means at least walking a process - but wherein my willingness is real) ? hell no! cuz that would be to say "it's okay, i'll just keep physically suffering as self abuse".

i forgive myself that i allowed myself to put myself thru an experience of suffering as i made my stomach sick by/thru allowing myself to overeat(eat obsesively) as adiction to stimulation as self supression.

what i realized is that i can apologize to myself and actually mean the apology and in that i can open my mind and not judge myself and in that see things/myself in a different way and find it in myself to accept my apology to myself and thus forgive myself.

i commit myself to walk a process of pushing myself to actually find it in me to sincerely apologize to myself and in that find it within me to forgive myself.