Justins journey

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JustinKlassen
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Joined: 01 Aug 2011, 19:33
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Justins journey

Post by JustinKlassen »

Last night i wrote a very long post only to find out that i had timed out my login. I will do my best to rewrite/ summarize it today. Lesson learned. Copy and paste my writing before i post it just in case.

Frustration/anger/self judgment/self righteousness/ guilt/self hate/ regret/ spitefulness/embarrassment/Fearfulness/Escape/Running away/ Hiding/Resent/indignation/sorrow/blame/despondency/hopelessness/despair/confusion/indifference/apathy

When i was in gr.3 i moved from one end of town to the other. I had to go to a new school. The kids at the school i was at had this "we're all a team" mentality but this new school was different. The kids here were already separating them selves into social bubbles/classes. The first day i walked onto the play ground i noticed the one kid picking fights with another kid. I felt this uncertainty come on to me and was worried about this place. There was this boy standing underneath this tree all alone so i walked up to him and asked him to play. HE replied "you don't want to play with me.... you don;t even want to be see standing near me". I was confused. He was so resistant to me even talking to him. After a few minutes of pressing him he eventually opened up. I remember even asking him to hang out after school as i need to make new friends. Eventually the bell rang and i went inside the school for the first time. After meeting the other kids i learned that this boy was the ass end of everyone's jokes and he was bullied. I never noticed anything wrong with him myself so i decided to secretly hang out with him anyways.

A couple of years later some of my friends knew i was hanging out with this boy and i also had other friends that hated each other. This made my life very difficult and frustrating. I would make plans with someone after school and then felt like i had to lie to my other friends and say i was busy to avoid being heckled. Comments like "what is he too good for me" or " am i not good enough for you". I would sometimes even insist that we all play together but that would never happen.

One day i was at a friends house and he was pressing me to ditch this boy that no one liked. I gave in as i secretly wanted to be free from the torture as it was getting embarrassing for me.I was always frustrated because of it. I called him up and asked him to come over and hang out with us. He was suspicious at first but eventually he trusted me. WHen i hung up the phone it was instant regret. I looked at me friend and told him that i was going home and that he should tell him that i couldn't be friends with him anymore. When i got home i received a phone call from him mom telling me to stay away from him and that i was just like all the other kids. I felt really guilty about it. I remember looking into myself and telling myself that this is why you never let anyone tell you who you are. I got on my bike and went to his house to apologize.

When i got there i was met with a women in with a look on her face that i had never seen before. She looked angry, frustrated, sad, hysterical and alot more. She sat me down at the table and took my hands into hers. She told me that her son had a very difficult life. His brothers hated on him because they were related to him and had a hard time making friends and even his dad didn't appreciate him. he used to just sit in his room alone. Then one day i showed up. She noticed that her son was smiling more. He used to copy everything i did. What ever i liked he liked etc. She said that after some time she noticed that she could trust me and eventually put her foot down and forced her other to kids that they had to be nice to their brother. They used to coax me into there room and shut the door to have me all to their selves as they alos had a hard time making friend because they were related to him. She basically was telling me that i had in impact on her whole family. She gave me the most genuine thanks that i have ever got before and then let me go to his room and apologize to him directly. Not long after that they moved and i lost track of him.

As time went on i always had friend that were in conflict with each other and it always made me frustrated. By the time i was in high school i had a major breakout on my chest. I guess this was suppressed anger. I always used to hide it and just act like it didn;t bother me. I was always making friends with "ppl that your not supposed to hang out with" and i would get flak because of it. I would judge myself because i made me feel not good enough. Why do the ppl that i find nothing wrong with all my other friend would reject. I started to reject myself. Eventually i would be to afraid to talk in groups, always felt tense around ppl. My mind eventually just shut down and i was always blank. Nothing ever came up inside me.

By the time i was 17 i was smoking an extensive amount of pot. Around the same time my best friend moved away. This was really hard to deal with as he was like a support i felt like i needed. I started to drift away from ppl. I never wanted to hang out. I just wanted to be left alone. I was angry at ppl. One side i had friends who were "cool" and free in there expression however there was a harshness that i couldn't cope with. On the other side there was teh "uncool" ppl who were very suppressed in there expression and yet they were more considerate of others. It would make me feel self righteous and better than ppl and at the same time I felt trapped. I was obsessed with my image and at the same time i had a hard time even talking to ppl. My mind was like always empty. I felt like ppl who were free in there expression and wanted to have fun yet i was in a state of paralysis. I felt morally superior and yet i was too afraid to express it because of the conflict that i might have to deal with.

One day i was getting a cab ride home and the cab driver pointed out this power station that he used to work at and this guy he worked with who was an alcoholic who abused his family. When he mentioned his name i was in shock. I asked him some questions about him and i realized that this guy has the father of this boy i met in gr.3. It brought up some interesting memories of bruises, and scrapes and this one time he mentioned how his dad put his head through the wall once. I remembered the day his mom gave me this lecture about why it was such a relief to her that i went back to her house and apologized to her. I also remembered that i used to blame him and ppl like him for ever coming into my life and making my life difficult, which is actually saying i hate myself for who i am. How i felt, Angry just isn't the word. I hated the world and wanted to escape. By the time i was 20-21 i moved away and just stopped answering the phone. I basically been isolating myself ever since. Im 37 now.

Masturbation and its consequences.

When i was about 16 i discovered masturbation. I had a hard time dealing with the situation on earth and i used masturbation to escape. As well as drugs. I used to Judge myself extensively for who i was. Made friends with ppl that were acceptable and yet never felt good enough and ppl who were outcasts which again made me feel not good enough as the image that goes with it. Its all about IMAGE. Embarrassed about who i was when with "cool" crowds and embarrassed about hanging out with "uncool" ppl.

In late 2017 i stopped. It lasted for about 3 months. I went through some really interesting experiences. I fell eventually. Just in august 2018 i stopped for good. I have masturbated about a dozen times give or take since aug. 2018. Some where in between the first time and the second time i watched the "shocking secrets of masturbation. It opened my eyes and made me wish i had watched it when it was first published. I can see what i was experiencing and why. Most of what i just wrote about are memories that resurfaced recently and i think it has to do with stopping. Its not easy to admit but i feel much better about now. I have lived with a great pain inside of me my whole life and i can finally see why. I need to change myself. I need to support myself and more importantly i need support from others. I can honestly say i am grateful for realizing this and at the same time experience a deep regret and shame. I'm going to stop here for today. This took me quit awhile to write but if feels nice to get it off my chest. Its time to forgive myself and commit myself to change. Living in fear of ppl and fear of getting to know myself my whole life has taken quite a toll on me.

Thanks for reading.

Marlen
Posts: 4362
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
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Re: Justins journey

Post by Marlen »

Hey Justin, it can be a bit overwhelming to start opening up yourself to self-support and looking back at your life, which can seem daunting at times if having no proper structure for it.

So, a suggestion is to also focus on writing out where you currently are and what you are currently facing, so that it doesn't get too daunting or 'too much to process' so to speak, but keep it simple as in looking at which aspects you go facing in your day to day.
You can forgive some aspects of the past to step out of guilt, regret, shame etc... but in the end what really matters is how you can learn from those events to determine how you want to live in your current life situation.

Therefore, a suggestion is to simply be gentle to yourself in taking on this path to understand and support yourself and take it as it is said here 'one step at a time' and 'breath by breath' which means, each moment is an opportunity to create those changes to start 're-wiring' yourself so to speak, and that is then a more present time process of developing self-awareness and getting to apply yourself in real time with the tools you are already familiar with here.

So in general that's why the writing is only one step of it, then comes the self forgiveness and corrective statements and self-support description, so that you can go declaring in writing which are going to be the steps you'll take to support you, otherwise the writing is just that, a recount of things, so that's a general consideration to create a self direction through words too.

I also recommend checking out the SOUL and Self and Living videos that you will find enlisted in the forum as well, since they will assist with a more practical approach on what it means to redefine and live words in day to day experiences.

Thanks for sharing

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