Hey Godfrey, it's cool to read where you're at right now
It sure sounds like a tough path you've been having, but it also seems you are at a crucial moment to actually take on the bull by the horns and open up, and take the steps and leap to actually start seeing more about yourself.
Today the idea of 'the fool' came up within me where there are moments were we are at the verge of a point of change and we kind of fear taking the steps that will lead us to create it, we fear seeing things that we are not willing to admit about ourselves or fear letting go or fear stepping into the unknown. Yet there is a necessary willingness to 'let go' of the known, of the 'who am I' to be able to take the leap and really get into this process.
Though based on experience it does seem very daunting, fearful, perhaps even 'breakdown' type of moment, it is exactly what I needed to do to be here and be who I am today.
Consider this: there is nothing to really fear losing, because who we really are can't be actually lost. Whatever you have given value to, you can write out and self forgive, it is not like you have to 'cut out' that part of yourself, because it is you and all you have been will remain within you. See it more as a new phase in your life where you don't have to actually 'lose' anything that may not be honoring or serving you at the moment, but as an idea that you believe you have to hold on to about 'who you are' or what you were 'meant to be.'
At times it takes embracing such difficulties, life changing experiences and trusting yourself in that no matter what you perceive was 'truncated' as a path or set of skills or career within you, there is a different path that you perhaps have to focus on more that you may have not perceived as important or relevant before, and that begins by getting to be honest with yourself and getting to write out who you are at the moment, what are the fears that come up in starting this journey for real and what are the aspects that you would like to in fact create or develop in your life for the better.
So that first step comes with understanding, opening yourself up, being willing to see yourself and not fearing having to 'lose' something of you that is actually supportive and meaningful, because if it is, then it makes sense to keep it as part of your life. We can only focus on letting go or losing aspects that we see are detrimental about ourselves and the way we live our lives.
So with every moment or aspect of change comes that necessary 'leap of faith' to see what remains after you start opening up those aspects you have given value to as 'who you are' - get to know them first, then you'll be able to assess what you want to preserve or let go
Make it simple as well, not trying to kind of uncover the holy grail in one go about yourself and your existence. Make it really simple, I don't know if you've walked DIP Lite yet but that's an option to go to in order to start opening up in a supportive way and with buddy assistance
A life review I recommend: Living Through My Physical Limitation - Life Review https://eqafe.com/p/living-through-my-p ... ife-review
Oh and I would not suggest to create ideas about having schizophrenic tendencies and such, even with people that are diagnosed with Schizophrenia, it is proven - You perhaps know of Tormod? - that with self will, dedication to this process and proper medical assistance, it is perfectly doable to live changes, it's not an impediment at all, au contraire, it's of utmost support to also let go of such ideas or identities and simply focus on getting to write yourself out - meaning, stepping outside of the excuses if you will.
Thanks for sharing and opening up