Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

[Maite]

Hi Godfrey,

I'm enjoying your writings here, thank you for sharing them. In terms of the chronic pain, a suggestion is to look into 'Egoscue' it's a physical alignment method I find to be quite effective and it has specifically a great reputation in dealing with chronic pain. Worth a try.

M

[Godfrey]

I broke things off with my long term girlfriend, I resented her jealously. Mostly because it was justified.
Our relationship didn’t have the best start. My ex and I went on a few dates and it didn’t take..

I was in a car accident in 2016. She started coming around helping me, being with me, loving me. I couldn’t walk for the first year of our relationship. Furthermore, I had just broken up with another lady whom I dated for 2 years prior. I was in a weird place. My identify was all messed up, my future was uncertain, and I was heartbroken. I perpetuated that relationship out of desperation. I justified it, by being honest with her about my dishonestly.
She wanted my children, and I wanted not to be alone. These objectives don’t perfectly align.

Keeping this going for last 3 years was a mistake. I’ve been interested in other women the whole time. It’s not fair to promise someone a future and do so reluctantly without intention of follow through.
I was afraid to be alone, I’m afraid to meet new people. And I hate to think that I use women as stepping stones. I need to reside myself to working on myself and pursuing someone who inspires me to be a better person.
Instead of dating anyone who I find attractive and using them to fill a void. To avoid being alone.



I was training for a fight in Las Vegas and that didn’t happen. I didn’t get slotted for the event. I’m now promised a slot on a card in Montana in august. Its frustrating to have this looming episode of violence hanging over my head. I want to compete, I want to win, it is important for my journey of learning how to fight to go and fight.



You truly are what you do. And it doesn’t matter how many good days you have, being a good person is not a currency to be spent. You don’t get to try hard one day and be lazy the next. Its consistency that people respect and rely on. This is a lesson I learned in the work place. It doesn’t matter you work hard Monday, you don’t get to take Tuesday off.
You can spend your whole life doing good things and being a good person… but an afternoon of bad decisions and you’ll always be remember as a rotten egg -- deservedly so.. There is no karma bank and more importantly no karma dollars… to be spent.

SO back to the grind. Working, Schooling and Training.

[Marlen]

About the last point on being a good person and then only remembering 'those bad moments' or decisions or actions here

You can spend your whole life doing good things and being a good person… but an afternoon of bad decisions and you’ll always be remember as a rotten egg -- deservedly so.. There is no karma bank and more importantly no karma dollars… to be spent.

So, I suggest looking at things another way. Essentially, we trap ourselves in a polarity mindset and the worst thing is that we then hold ourselves captive - judge - based on what we see is good or bad, right or wrong. So, in your words I would read that 'doing good things' is 'meant to' give you some rewards at the end of the day or somewhere along the way, but 'still', 'shit will happen to you' and you will make decisions that cause conflict or consequence. So, something very common is to be extra exigent on ourselves and attempt to keep almost a 'flawless' record of something, instead of realizing that the flaws, the mistakes, the wrong turns, the detours and plan fuckups are part of our living experience. Mistakes are simply ways to find out what works, what doesn't and what we can learn from them in order to not repeat them - man, and even if you do, to not judge, not blame anything or anyone, nor being hard on yourself because that's just excessive garbage on top of an opportunity you have to simply introspect, understand the 'bad decisions,' get to learn about yourself in that 'bad decision' as you call it and continue walking and applying your newly acquired wisdom in your next move in life.

So, I don't agree with the idea of having that view of yourself as 'the rotten egg' because it's in general detrimental to yourself. So, I'd get rid about ideas of karma and whatnot and also would stop seeing things as 'doing good must bring good' because it doesn't happen that way either, so I'll leave an audio that explains some of this that may help you in stepping out of this polarity of 'good and bad' : https://eqafe.com/p/bad-things-good-people-life-review


Thanks for sharing

[Godfrey]

"So, I don't agree with the idea of having that view of yourself as 'the rotten egg' because it's in general detrimental to yourself. So, I'd get rid about ideas of karma and whatnot and also would stop seeing things as 'doing good must bring good' because it doesn't happen that way either, so I'll leave an audio that explains some of this that may help you in stepping out of this polarity of 'good and bad' : https://eqafe.com/p/bad-things-good-people-life-review"


I agree full hearty.
my point was not about defining one self as good or bad, but the importance of consistency.

If I'm in committed relationship, and I am faithful everyday for years and then one day I'm not. I am an adulteress.

A more extreme example.

I'm a mentor for trouble youth, I live my life with a sense of purpose of serving society and helping others. I get stressed -- I drink too much, I drive home and get in a car accident where I end up killing or maiming someone. A life time of servitude doesn't pardon me from the consequences of a singular lapse of judgement.

Just to reiterate - its the consistency of convictions that make them real/meaningful. Right or Wrong.

[Marlen]

Got it, sure we do carry with such 'inconsistencies' and mistakes, faults or deliberate neglect we might act out - I get the importance of consistency in that sense, but also to make sure that yes the imprint is there of such 'falls' or mistakes, but not to have them create some kind of a burden that we carry on with - as a form of guilt for example - but to use it as a motivation to not make the same mistakes again, which is learning from it. That's what I wanted to share in that, we don't have to beat ourselves for it since we may still do such kind of things if we are indeed not consistent - and being OK with ourselves if we do make mistakes despite all of our focus and effort being in not 'falling' in those points. So that's where my comment was also leading to. But, entirely up to each one how to carry on with these mistakes, falls or neglects.

[Godfrey]

Thank you Marlen !
Que the self forgiveness and self honestly.

what I am attempting here is truly a discovery of self - through self expression.

Who I am , is very much measured against and reflected by who I want to be.

Its conscious choice that we are undertaking.

One of my many fortune cookie sayings:
"If you don't think for yourself, someone else will think for you"

slightly related -
"If you have hang out with stupid people, you will do stupid things"



I've been struggling for the longest time with my cognitive dissidence.
Who
What
When
Where
Why
and How?

Who am I
What do I want to do
When am I going to do it
Where am I going
Why I am going there

and most importantly
How am I going to do it




I am me!
I participate in a martial art, I belong to a martial arts club, I am a martial artist
I paint, I get paid to paint, I am a painter
I play guitar, I write songs, I am a musician
I desire women, I date women, I am womanizer (minus the negative connotation)
I smoke weed, I get stoned, I am a stoner.
I drink, I get drunk, I am alcoholic
I hear and I listen, I observe, I am an observer

I want to live in a better world, I want leave a better world when I am gone.
When am I going to make that leap.
I am going to build or join a community of like minded individuals.


I'm going have to marinate little more on this and dive deep, and hold myself accountable.

If I really want to live in a better world, why do I allow myself to participate in systems of suffering?
Because its easy.
This world was here long before I was. And continue to exist long after I have pass and faded from memory.


little rambling - but thanks for reading and the feedback

I do appreciate the forum and all its participates.

-Lewis

[Godfrey]

Confessions of a workaholic!
First and foremost being my own boss has been a very liberating experience. I’m still a servant to the system, but the onus of my success is not in politicking – it’s with me and my follow through.


I forgive myself for allowing myself to be so over extended. And not utilizing my ‘downtime’ to heal and recuperate appropriately

I’ve been escaping into TV shows and Youtube videos.. in conjunction with playing unfulfilling games. Disrupting my sleep. I’m working 10 plus hours a day on average and working out 2-3 hours during week and when I get home I’m so sore and beaten down – anything to escape.

I’m going to limit my screen time to 2 hours a day… TV and Computer – not including work. I’ll make this commitment for the next couple of weeks and see how I do.


I fear growing old and continuing this path, of over working myself and escaping my reality. These last few years have gone by so fast. Although, I’m building my skillset, and putting my time in -- I can do better.




I competed in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament last weekend, I took first in the advance division and 3rd in the brown belt division. Was a great experience.
Over the last decade I’ve become a staple in this community. Lots of handshakes and respect. There 100s of people I recognized and the reception I receive is a testament to my consistency.

I’ll be competing in an MMA fight in Montana on the 16th august. I’m going try take little easier after this summer maybe take a few vacations.


I’ll be traveling to Ecuador to visit with my God Parents hopefully in the fall. I can see myself in an ex-pat community- building and farming – and teaching martial arts in the mountains there. And that’s part of why going to see what opportunities are awaiting me.

-best
Godfrey