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Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 28 Apr 2019, 17:04
by Godfrey
I forgive myself for allowing myself to require and feel a need for a savior.

I have perpetuated my own misery and suffering, instead of proactively and intelligently advocating for myself.

I'm working 70 plus hours a week and what time i'm not working I spend at the gym training Jiu Jutsi and MMA for an upcoming bout.

I'm progressing in my skillsets and education, but at the same time it wears on my mind and body. I was in a car accident 3 years ago that crushed my right leg and left me unable to walk for a year. My injuries bring me constant pain... but I still keep working and training as if nothing ever happen.

I lost a lot in that car accident, I was a sponsor professional athlete and now I'm not and I'll never reach the heights of my sport that I could of.
I was going fight in the UFC and blah blah blah, my identity was wrapped up in this.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to beholden to the momentum of my pass and not accepting my physical limitations. I must be flexible.

There is a lot I want to accomplish with my life. And the first step is learning to breath again and walk this life as expression of self.

I fear meditation and I fear self awareness, I feel the weight of thousand eyes.. the paranoia is strong.
Maybe its my schizophrenic tendencies.

Every time I start to peer down that rabbit hole - there is a leap of faith -- an edge of consciousness -- that the person I am won't survive.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to have preconceived notions of what is and what isn't.
I forgive myself for coveting my personality as it is

Re: Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 02 May 2019, 18:43
by Marlen
Hey Godfrey, it's cool to read where you're at right now

It sure sounds like a tough path you've been having, but it also seems you are at a crucial moment to actually take on the bull by the horns and open up, and take the steps and leap to actually start seeing more about yourself.

Today the idea of 'the fool' came up within me where there are moments were we are at the verge of a point of change and we kind of fear taking the steps that will lead us to create it, we fear seeing things that we are not willing to admit about ourselves or fear letting go or fear stepping into the unknown. Yet there is a necessary willingness to 'let go' of the known, of the 'who am I' to be able to take the leap and really get into this process.

Though based on experience it does seem very daunting, fearful, perhaps even 'breakdown' type of moment, it is exactly what I needed to do to be here and be who I am today.

Consider this: there is nothing to really fear losing, because who we really are can't be actually lost. Whatever you have given value to, you can write out and self forgive, it is not like you have to 'cut out' that part of yourself, because it is you and all you have been will remain within you. See it more as a new phase in your life where you don't have to actually 'lose' anything that may not be honoring or serving you at the moment, but as an idea that you believe you have to hold on to about 'who you are' or what you were 'meant to be.'

At times it takes embracing such difficulties, life changing experiences and trusting yourself in that no matter what you perceive was 'truncated' as a path or set of skills or career within you, there is a different path that you perhaps have to focus on more that you may have not perceived as important or relevant before, and that begins by getting to be honest with yourself and getting to write out who you are at the moment, what are the fears that come up in starting this journey for real and what are the aspects that you would like to in fact create or develop in your life for the better.

So that first step comes with understanding, opening yourself up, being willing to see yourself and not fearing having to 'lose' something of you that is actually supportive and meaningful, because if it is, then it makes sense to keep it as part of your life. We can only focus on letting go or losing aspects that we see are detrimental about ourselves and the way we live our lives.

So with every moment or aspect of change comes that necessary 'leap of faith' to see what remains after you start opening up those aspects you have given value to as 'who you are' - get to know them first, then you'll be able to assess what you want to preserve or let go

Make it simple as well, not trying to kind of uncover the holy grail in one go about yourself and your existence. Make it really simple, I don't know if you've walked DIP Lite yet but that's an option to go to in order to start opening up in a supportive way and with buddy assistance

A life review I recommend: Living Through My Physical Limitation - Life Review ... ife-review

Oh and I would not suggest to create ideas about having schizophrenic tendencies and such, even with people that are diagnosed with Schizophrenia, it is proven - You perhaps know of Tormod? - that with self will, dedication to this process and proper medical assistance, it is perfectly doable to live changes, it's not an impediment at all, au contraire, it's of utmost support to also let go of such ideas or identities and simply focus on getting to write yourself out - meaning, stepping outside of the excuses if you will.

Thanks for sharing and opening up :)

Re: Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 05 May 2019, 16:33
by Godfrey
I'm here now.

And in this moment I - I'm tired - this week coming up I'll have a few days off to recuperate and reflect on the last month.

I might be leaving my country USA for a few months I'm heading to Ecuador to visit my god parents. There might be an opportunity to start again.

I'm often reminded of one of my favorite movies, 'The Razor's Edge' the remake staring Bill Murphy; highly recommend it.
The title is derived from the notion that: its easy to be enlighten on top of a mountain, but to carry that awareness with you in the city is to walk a tight line -- the razor's edge.

I'm on a mission, no more excuses.

I'm very fortunate to be mindful enough to have a reasonable degree of control of my thoughts and feelings.
I pull myself out of the moment and flood my mind with thought loops and games, in order to escape the present.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to use my discomfort as a justification for escapism.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to use games and mental loops to escape the present.

There is always time for the things that are important to us.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to become so busy as to not have the time to work on my mindfulness and this process of self development.

'A journey of life and a world to explore, set things right and endure.'

Re: Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 12 May 2019, 17:10
by Godfrey
I'm on week 5 with no days off- working 60 plus hours a week and training 20. I'm drained.

Just another 2 weeks and I'll be able take some time off and recover and reflect.

I'm staying the course and doors are opening.. I often tell myself that if not now when? I firmly believe that the older you get the harder things become. Momentum is a son of a bitch.

This construction journey - this skill building mission has been a 2 year investment and it was worth it.
I'm self employed now, and I advocate for my clients, i'm honest with them and very transparent.
It has been rewarding.

This last week I might of spent 30 minutes maybe an hour living in the moment. Which is an improvement from the week prior.
Just little steps.

I'm weary -- I'm surround by absent minded people. On their phones and listening to their music - scrolling through twitter and instantgram.
There is a certain awareness lacking and in my minds eye I imagine myself and the world around me. I take a deep breath and center and the world becomes pixelated. And I breath more and center and I imagine a sinking feeling.. that pulls and I relax.

This a world of mine, of mind. And my journey is just beginning. I'm going leave this city life soon... its not because I can't hack it here. Its because this system may support my flesh, but doesn't support my vision and mission.

Re: Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 19 May 2019, 17:28
by Godfrey
Another week has passed. I struggled this week physically and mentally. Being self-employed requires a degree of self-motivation that I struggled with this month.

I’m little over extended money wise, but I’m making it work – it’s an added stress that I’m managing well considering.

Things are tight but the future is promising and I know if I stay the course and keep building my skillset, I’ll reap the rewards later.

I’ve always had a contentious relationship with money, not something I focused on as a young man .
Now in my thirties I’m scrambling for a career to support myself and my vision for the future.

Nuance, is something only identified through wisdom and experience.
If the world was black and white and everything perfectly labeled, we wouldn’t need intuition, or wisdom.

Yet we live in a world of many colors and grey areas and to better understand – its best to observe and apply our tools self honestly and breath.
Not to be reactionary.

Money is nuance, careers are nuance, people are nuance.

When I look at person -- often in my mind’s eye I can envision myself in them, and imagine a back story and future story … my imagination turn loose. Although what I feel seems plausible and when I look into the mirror I can see wear & tear -- scars that tell a story. My story.

I have a proclivity to get lost in thought and reflection.

I need to surrender myself to this process.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to perpetuate my busy schedule , with no thought for my future self.
I forgive myself for allowing myself for procrastinating and fearing moments of silence and awareness.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be in pain and justifying it.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be unmotivated and depressive – especially when it comes to work… work I choose to do.

Re: Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 22 May 2019, 22:20
by Gabriel
Godfrey wrote:I need to surrender myself to this process.

Hi Godfrey, in relation to this expression, perhaps a thing to consider.

In the context of your writing here, I can see how you want to make a statement about needing to apply yourself more, which is cool - yet it is also interesting to look at the specific wording in which we state things.

With the words "I need to surrender myself to this process," it would seem that you perceive yourself to be 'in' or 'out' of process depending on how you are applying yourself.

In a way process is a 'current' - and every being in existence is 'in process'. Therefore we can never really step outside of process. Everyone is in process. This process however is not something we surrender to, it is something we discover as ourselves - we become process.

This is what it means to walk your process in awareness of breath - you start to create yourself within awareness. You discover yourself as creator.

Re: Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 26 May 2019, 18:49
by Godfrey
In a way process is a 'current' - and every being in existence is 'in process'. Therefore we can never really step outside of process. Everyone is in process. This process however is not something we surrender to, it is something we discover as ourselves - we become process.

ossssssssss Gabriel. Couldn't agree more.

I'm definitely not in and out of this process, because I am dedicated. When I speak of surrendering I really mean to overcome my fear of my progress. I feel like i'm teetering on an edge. I know as I increase my awareness -- my perspective on reality is changing.

I'm creating a weekly schedule -

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
6-7 gym 6-7 gym 6-7 gym 6-7 gym 6-7 gym 5-11:30 work 4-11:30 work
7-4work 7-4work 7-4work 7-4work 7-4work 12-2 gym 1 2-2 gym
5-8gym 5-8gym 5-8gym 5-8gym 5-8gym 3-4 guitar 3-4 desteni
11 sleep 11 sleep 11 sleep 11 sleep 11 sleep date night chores
10 sleep 9 sleep

This is my schedule for the next 2 weeks and I'll settle in on creating 2-3 of work free days
I might go back to not working on the Sabbath.

After this next fight, I'll tone back the training to 4 days a week.
And i'm going to schedule in time to write, reflect, meditate and engage in some self-hypnosis
I'll forgo the pentagram of candles and the organite pendants.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to heal
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to thrive
I forgive myself for perpetuating my cognitive dissonance. Wanting change - fearing change.

Re: Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 02 Jun 2019, 14:38
by Godfrey
The chronic pain.

Broken bones, torn ligaments and stretch out tendons. Arthritic and worn out this organic robot is being crushed. We’re offer one body in this life and if you don’t care for it, like any vehicle you might find yourself broken down along side of the rode. Flashing hazards – I’m finding I can’t sleep – I wish I had a flare in my pocket and escape this dimensional perspective.

Need to put the work in.
Forgive myself for allowing myself to get this far down in an injury pool. Not hard to imagine how much better I would feel, if provided my body with more opportunities to heal and grow strong. Stretching and breathing – right now I’m holding it together – a pinch nerve in my neck.

I always wonder why the addiction to pain killers and alcohol? It makes sense now. If you have a gnawing aching injury, a scratch you can’t itch... you might find yourself reacting out of desperation.
I’m not desperate – not yet – the window is open and I’m peering into an existence that’s is sustainable.

I’ve know this for long time just now the consequences are mounting. What is it with the proclivity to work hard for others and neglect yourself? Slave mentality.
Where do I find my motivation? Is it from self-expression, or is it by product of chronic depression.
Am I depress? I don’t know I don’t think so, I’m not happy… but the world is depressive.

27 mores days before this next event/fight. I’m happy with my technical progress.
I’m not a violent person, but the capacity for violence is high.

Dishonest with self – dishonest in life.
A journey of finding the truth, is a long road of self-honestly and requires constant vigilance and self – love and forgiveness.
I’ve neglected myself and particularly my physical body.
I forgive myself, for viewing me as something other than my body.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to behave as if the mind and body are separate entities.
I forgive myself for viewing the body as a vehicle and instead of a manifestation of self

Re: Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 08 Jun 2019, 20:06
by Godfrey
I haven't adhered to my schedule and I bruised a few ribs 2 days ago, and every breath is a reminder that I've neglected myself.

I know I keep postponing - and dragging my feet on making space and time for my body to heal. 21 more days to fight night.

I'm going push hard - no more sparing till I feel better... but up at six -get on that bicycle.

I wanna wind, i'm to going pound some dude into the dirt... and its not that I need to win, or be violent.
This was all a journey to learn how to fight, and this is the test.
The confidence and the attitude - and the violence is a prerequisite for success.

In my first fight, I could of broken my opponent's arm, and hesitated - I didn't want to hurt this guy. Later on in the fight my nose was broken by a punch, took months for my face to recover... I still won the fight, but I learn then - in that situation its kill or be killed.

Re: Godfrey's write yourself to freedom

Posted: 09 Jun 2019, 16:11
by Godfrey
“The world is a stage”

Discovering self – through expression of self – by means of self –expression

I’ve been centering on this point, because I find myself having multiply discussions about the conflicts of modern society.
Growing up in an urban environment immersed in media and an abundance of competing ideologies; finding a purpose -- a direction -- a role to play, that is fill fulling -- an expression of self can be difficult.

I look at myself as an example of someone who’s assumed a role, and now I’m running with a character. I’m a good person, who does good things, and wants to make good people… I’m an advocate for humanity.
But I’m not its savior.

Which was its own mind-fuck I had to deal with. I had to recognize my messianic programming

Some of the conversational points I’ve been making in my social sphere of influence:

We’re told at ad nauseam, that we as individuals bare the burden and the blame for world that exists.
VOTE with your dollars!
It’s your responsibility as CONSUMErs to be INFOrmed.

I disagree, the masses of humanity are a bi-product of the systems that support it, not the genesis. It is not the responsibility nor fault of humanity as a whole that cars run on gas.
Nor that the oceans are polluted with plastic. Not to say we shouldn’t CHOSE to be RESPONSEable, but these issues transcend the narrative of the common consumer.

There are 3 big oil firms, that produce all the petroleum, that supply 7 mega corporations that produce 90% of all the plastic in the world.
The narrative we are sold, is that we need to educate and convince 7 plus billion people not to use plastic. Instead of regulating and stopping a few 100 hundred captains of industry.

There is a draught in San Pablo Brazil, a direct result of clear cutting of the rain forest by industry. The narrative is the consumer is at fault. Vote with your dollar!
The clearing of the forest to make way for mega ranches to produce cattle, isn’t the fault of the proclivity of humanity to enjoy a hamburger. Society has been suppressed as far back as the history books go.

My point - - the point – is that humanity in essence isn’t a negative and nor is the individual – it is characters we play that determine the world we live in.
And if the masses stop blaming themselves, and started to examine the political and economic elite, a social democracy might actually work.

This belief or attitude isn’t necessarily a resolve of our responsibility to make the world a better place. But, to highlight it’s a choice, we must chose to be RESPONSEable, we are not obligated one way or the other… It’s a choice