There was a time in my life, until recently where I would be in a constant state of anxiety. It didn't just start all of a sudden but I think over time manifested as a character of who I was. I remember the first time I chose to have an experience using the word 'anxiety'. I had to go somewhere where there were a lot of children and I think I just could not be bothered or didn't want to be there so created this reaction sort of experienced where I said to the family I was with that I felt over whelmed and anxious. I'd heard people around me say this before and for some reason I thought it was an interesting characteristic and a great excuse to not do something you do not want to do. For example; "I can not get busses they make me anxious" "I cant go to school because I get anxious" "Crowds make me anxious". However, when my sister suggested I go to speak to someone or get diagnosed I quickly stopped pursuing this character. I didn't like to go to school because I simply could not be bothered and just wanted to go out with my friends. Because I was well mannered and polite the teachers where confused as to why I would constantly walk out of school and disappear for weeks, they asked me to speak to someone who asked if I had any problems at home or if I was getting bullied in school or if I have mental issues/need medication. All to which I said no, I do not really have any problems. Quite worrying how easy it would have been for me to say yes and be medicated for something I didn't have or could have chose to have like, anxiety, bi polar ect ect... However because of my personality and mannerisms I got away with a lot of things at school. They allowed me to just take the subjects so that I would actually go in to school but said I had to remain studying English and maths.
anyway, back to the point...
After I struggled to finish school and turned 16, I for some reason decided to go to sixth form because I wasn't sure what else to do and this seemed like the easier option because it was linked with the school I was already in and my grades were not the best due to not wanting to go to exams in school, I finished with very average grades and failed 'English' because I wrote 'I don't want to be here, Why do I have to be here I'm bored etc,etc' on my second paper of the exam, I am actually surprised at my self, I was quite reckless at the time but also in a state of innocence, not sure how to describe it. So I went to 6th form which didn't last long, I left and the year later went to study music in college. The reason I didn't go straight in to that was self doubt because I hadn't passed my English and it was a basic requirement. Although I was lucky enough to get in to the college based on my talents with music. During this time from 6th form to music I had started smoking weed, it started out as fun but became a very consuming habit and pass time. I would spend so much money on weed. I struggled to get through college and university because I would just sit and smoke weed all the time and it got to point where that felt normal, and when I never had it I would feel absolutely horrible and desperate, yet still tell my self this was not a drug nor addiction and only search the benefits of it. I spent a lot of money and time on this and also over time because quite paranoid/anxious, this was who I was for years to come. When my Nan who I lived with got sick and eventually died I moved to my other Nan's. This is when I noticed increasingly that I have a problem. I had noticed before this for example when I was talking to people or would go to perform at open mics at gigs that I could feel my self mumbling, paranoid people could tell I was high and were judging me for it, or were judging me for something else ect.. But by this point, I could not even sit down with myself or another person indoors and not be in this anxious state. I would hear voices outside and think people where after me, I would not be able to walk around outside without remaining in an alert/anxious state, I would constantly anticipate someone attacking me. Or even just about everything generally. I moved out with my at the time boyfriend at the beginning of march to November this year. There was a point where I noticed the correlation between the two - Having a spliff and then getting anxious. At this point I just thought it was who I was; which it had became, but the weed would enhance it. I would be on high alert people would smell it and would spray everywhere, and when I was sitting down watching something with my boyfriend or listening to him talk about something I would literally zone out and zone in to my own head and thoughts. He would get orientated by this but to be honest, whatever we were watching was a waste of time anyway. This is another thing I would be anxious over. Because I would listen to what he said and his plans and notice that he would not ever move, and I would only ever move when I was alone. But whenever we had a conversation on how to approach our careers in music, we would never act upon it and I would vocalise this from time to time, to which would create an argument where he would describe me as impatient, when actually the difference was I was in a state of waiting. waiting for us to take action. This caused me to feel constantly anxious in wondering if I am not using myself to my potential and if I am making a mistake by staying within a relationship where I am very co dependant on someone else. "What if he is holding me back?" "What if I am holding him back?" "What if he find someone better?" "What if..." I eventually decided to stop smoking weed after my birthday last year on the 31st of August. One of the last experiences I had where I'd had a spliff was; I was doing the dishes and my eyes where open but my body felt as it was vibrating and also felt this sensation quite strong within my head. For some reason I could see myself from another perspective as if I was watching me, but I could only see me and just black around me. I could see me doing the motion of cleaning dishes but there were no dishes. This is where I finally decided I had to stop, because I am in the mind, because I am compromising my view of reality, that was just happening in my head but my eyes were open. I had smoked it on another occasion after this where we had friends round, we were all doing music and drinking alcohol, so I decided to have a few pulls of this spliff. Instantly I could feel it within my body, and had to go to bed because I felt anxious and unsociable and paranoid. I didn't have it after this until later on a couple of occasions, I've tried one pull and as soon as I have that one pull i feel it enter my body and I am not myself, I feel anxious, paranoid and go in to my own head. I do not feel myself. My boyfriend for months was on and off after November when we broke up and we moved in to our own flats. I was anxious about this being alone and not feeling good enough, but also comforted by the fact it was not my choice so I was not to blame. It is a lot easier to have no choice. One thing I was surprised at was how I enjoyed to be alone. I was not anxious apart from when I had experienced sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming, but this was also on the same night I attempted to leave my body, so had breathed rapidly by staying still. This was strange because it was like I felt high of just breathing, and vibrating. I have done this a couple of times but I avoid it now because it feels like I'm going to die or something.
Anyway, I moved back in to my Nan's flat at the beginning of May this year. My boyfriend had had a fling with this other girl but then tried excessively to get me back, by this point I had been broken up with three times in a few months, so I wasn't very emotional towards the situation and felt quite empowered with my 'New life' with myself. I had time for more people, friends and family ect... and I was more active and became more ambitious, less anxious. So I decided to not go back in to the relationship and end the cycle. I need to sort out who I am with myself before I go back in to a relationship. But I do not really feel anxiety anymore on an emotional/thought level like before. I have the physical sensation at the moment due to the strong coffee I had about an hour ago. I have came quite a long way since last year and the years before that.I think I need to cut down on caffeine, this physical experience is quite uncomfortable. I can not blame weed entirely for my experience, I realise it was a few other things like self doubt, and worrying about not being good enough, being alone, not being loved. But fortunately enough I faced both in real time at the same time and actually found it beneficial. The anxiety came though the fear of it happening rather than the actual happening its self. I feared it so much then when it happened it wasn't that bad at all. I am feeling very uncomfortable in this moment physically though, wondering if it is just the caffeine or the manifestation of anxiety coming up with no emotional attachments as I am talking about my past. I am not quite sure. We will see.