Sharing is Caring

Hannah
Posts: 12
Joined: 07 Dec 2017, 23:26

Sharing is Caring

Postby Hannah » 30 Aug 2019, 15:55

There was a time in my life, until recently where I would be in a constant state of anxiety. It didn't just start all of a sudden but I think over time manifested as a character of who I was. I remember the first time I chose to have an experience using the word 'anxiety'. I had to go somewhere where there were a lot of children and I think I just could not be bothered or didn't want to be there so created this reaction sort of experienced where I said to the family I was with that I felt over whelmed and anxious. I'd heard people around me say this before and for some reason I thought it was an interesting characteristic and a great excuse to not do something you do not want to do. For example; "I can not get busses they make me anxious" "I cant go to school because I get anxious" "Crowds make me anxious". However, when my sister suggested I go to speak to someone or get diagnosed I quickly stopped pursuing this character. I didn't like to go to school because I simply could not be bothered and just wanted to go out with my friends. Because I was well mannered and polite the teachers where confused as to why I would constantly walk out of school and disappear for weeks, they asked me to speak to someone who asked if I had any problems at home or if I was getting bullied in school or if I have mental issues/need medication. All to which I said no, I do not really have any problems. Quite worrying how easy it would have been for me to say yes and be medicated for something I didn't have or could have chose to have like, anxiety, bi polar ect ect... However because of my personality and mannerisms I got away with a lot of things at school. They allowed me to just take the subjects so that I would actually go in to school but said I had to remain studying English and maths.

anyway, back to the point...

After I struggled to finish school and turned 16, I for some reason decided to go to sixth form because I wasn't sure what else to do and this seemed like the easier option because it was linked with the school I was already in and my grades were not the best due to not wanting to go to exams in school, I finished with very average grades and failed 'English' because I wrote 'I don't want to be here, Why do I have to be here I'm bored etc,etc' on my second paper of the exam, I am actually surprised at my self, I was quite reckless at the time but also in a state of innocence, not sure how to describe it. So I went to 6th form which didn't last long, I left and the year later went to study music in college. The reason I didn't go straight in to that was self doubt because I hadn't passed my English and it was a basic requirement. Although I was lucky enough to get in to the college based on my talents with music. During this time from 6th form to music I had started smoking weed, it started out as fun but became a very consuming habit and pass time. I would spend so much money on weed. I struggled to get through college and university because I would just sit and smoke weed all the time and it got to point where that felt normal, and when I never had it I would feel absolutely horrible and desperate, yet still tell my self this was not a drug nor addiction and only search the benefits of it. I spent a lot of money and time on this and also over time because quite paranoid/anxious, this was who I was for years to come. When my Nan who I lived with got sick and eventually died I moved to my other Nan's. This is when I noticed increasingly that I have a problem. I had noticed before this for example when I was talking to people or would go to perform at open mics at gigs that I could feel my self mumbling, paranoid people could tell I was high and were judging me for it, or were judging me for something else ect.. But by this point, I could not even sit down with myself or another person indoors and not be in this anxious state. I would hear voices outside and think people where after me, I would not be able to walk around outside without remaining in an alert/anxious state, I would constantly anticipate someone attacking me. Or even just about everything generally. I moved out with my at the time boyfriend at the beginning of march to November this year. There was a point where I noticed the correlation between the two - Having a spliff and then getting anxious. At this point I just thought it was who I was; which it had became, but the weed would enhance it. I would be on high alert people would smell it and would spray everywhere, and when I was sitting down watching something with my boyfriend or listening to him talk about something I would literally zone out and zone in to my own head and thoughts. He would get orientated by this but to be honest, whatever we were watching was a waste of time anyway. This is another thing I would be anxious over. Because I would listen to what he said and his plans and notice that he would not ever move, and I would only ever move when I was alone. But whenever we had a conversation on how to approach our careers in music, we would never act upon it and I would vocalise this from time to time, to which would create an argument where he would describe me as impatient, when actually the difference was I was in a state of waiting. waiting for us to take action. This caused me to feel constantly anxious in wondering if I am not using myself to my potential and if I am making a mistake by staying within a relationship where I am very co dependant on someone else. "What if he is holding me back?" "What if I am holding him back?" "What if he find someone better?" "What if..." I eventually decided to stop smoking weed after my birthday last year on the 31st of August. One of the last experiences I had where I'd had a spliff was; I was doing the dishes and my eyes where open but my body felt as it was vibrating and also felt this sensation quite strong within my head. For some reason I could see myself from another perspective as if I was watching me, but I could only see me and just black around me. I could see me doing the motion of cleaning dishes but there were no dishes. This is where I finally decided I had to stop, because I am in the mind, because I am compromising my view of reality, that was just happening in my head but my eyes were open. I had smoked it on another occasion after this where we had friends round, we were all doing music and drinking alcohol, so I decided to have a few pulls of this spliff. Instantly I could feel it within my body, and had to go to bed because I felt anxious and unsociable and paranoid. I didn't have it after this until later on a couple of occasions, I've tried one pull and as soon as I have that one pull i feel it enter my body and I am not myself, I feel anxious, paranoid and go in to my own head. I do not feel myself. My boyfriend for months was on and off after November when we broke up and we moved in to our own flats. I was anxious about this being alone and not feeling good enough, but also comforted by the fact it was not my choice so I was not to blame. It is a lot easier to have no choice. One thing I was surprised at was how I enjoyed to be alone. I was not anxious apart from when I had experienced sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming, but this was also on the same night I attempted to leave my body, so had breathed rapidly by staying still. This was strange because it was like I felt high of just breathing, and vibrating. I have done this a couple of times but I avoid it now because it feels like I'm going to die or something.

Anyway, I moved back in to my Nan's flat at the beginning of May this year. My boyfriend had had a fling with this other girl but then tried excessively to get me back, by this point I had been broken up with three times in a few months, so I wasn't very emotional towards the situation and felt quite empowered with my 'New life' with myself. I had time for more people, friends and family ect... and I was more active and became more ambitious, less anxious. So I decided to not go back in to the relationship and end the cycle. I need to sort out who I am with myself before I go back in to a relationship. But I do not really feel anxiety anymore on an emotional/thought level like before. I have the physical sensation at the moment due to the strong coffee I had about an hour ago. I have came quite a long way since last year and the years before that.I think I need to cut down on caffeine, this physical experience is quite uncomfortable. I can not blame weed entirely for my experience, I realise it was a few other things like self doubt, and worrying about not being good enough, being alone, not being loved. But fortunately enough I faced both in real time at the same time and actually found it beneficial. The anxiety came though the fear of it happening rather than the actual happening its self. I feared it so much then when it happened it wasn't that bad at all. I am feeling very uncomfortable in this moment physically though, wondering if it is just the caffeine or the manifestation of anxiety coming up with no emotional attachments as I am talking about my past. I am not quite sure. We will see.



Gabriel
Posts: 111
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:07
Location: Ghent

Re: Sharing is Caring

Postby Gabriel » 31 Aug 2019, 21:19

Thank you for sharing your story Hannah. Sharing is indeed caring.

I for myself can definately relate to what you have experienced and been through. I am glad that you have come to a point in this journey where you have more clarity within yourself and your life.

May I ask if you are already enrolled in the DIP Lite course ? If not I would certainly recommend it!

What I have found within myself is that it is the regularity of writing, that creates a foundation of support within myself. It becomes easier to detect self-delusions and to give direction to issues that arise throughout the day.



Hannah
Posts: 12
Joined: 07 Dec 2017, 23:26

Re: Sharing is Caring

Postby Hannah » 01 Sep 2019, 14:43

Hi Gabriel

Yeah this would be my second time, I copied and pasted this from there, thought it could be a good idea. I don't go on it very often though to be honest with you, I get carried away with life haha



Gabriel
Posts: 111
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:07
Location: Ghent

Re: Sharing is Caring

Postby Gabriel » 01 Sep 2019, 16:47

Yes it is cool to share things on the forum which you have written in DIP Lite when it is something you would like to share.

In this case others can learn from your experience and the way you approach your writing.

So, even though you get carried away with life - would you not say that the writing there has been supportive to you so far?



Hannah
Posts: 12
Joined: 07 Dec 2017, 23:26

Re: Sharing is Caring

Postby Hannah » 01 Sep 2019, 20:49

Yeah it has. If it didn't exist I would never write at all



Gabriel
Posts: 111
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:07
Location: Ghent

Re: Sharing is Caring

Postby Gabriel » 03 Sep 2019, 20:50

Cool, Hannah.

Enjoy.




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