i am posting the blog-entries in a "code" tag to be able to keep track of what is the blog and what is the forum talking.
as before i am open to any relevant discussions of the posts and i take full resposibility for what i write down. i am sometimes have misuses of words or use some rare words because some words still need to be translated to be specific and i cannot garantee the effectiveness of the translator dictionary.
facing my inner self...out here
Today i had an experience which was a great support for me regarding my self-trust and application.
So i woke up and did my stuff, and eat a lil' choclate after breakfast and i told both of my family members i'm living with that i will go out at 12:30. well my GM went out earlier so i and adam left only in the house. after i finished my lunch from 12:00-12:25 i started to prepare for the journey i take get on the clothes ect. suddenly the wired phone starteng ringing. we were in two rooms which has one in between and the phone is in his room and the one between. but because the doors were open i heard that after the first ringing he yelled at me to "pick it up!" and because i was in the middle of the dressing i yelled back "you pick it up!" but he yelled back again the same...he was playing with the computer an MMOTPS about 1.5meter away from the phone in his room. and i knew both of this and i also knew that he is only wanting that i pick up because 1.he always shifts resposibility whenever possible 2.he always so into gaming that the whole world can crumble if he can play 3.he wants everyone to do as he wills. after the second attemt of his i yelled at my loudest voice back the same sentence of mine, it was really loud and high in tone.i even got horse from it which still sensible even now.so finally after 6 rings he picked it up, but could not make effective communication and yelled in the phone also.after some seconds i was ready to go for my shoes when he stepped in and questioned me why i didn't pick it up. and he come close and pushed me over my bed (i was standing next to it) to show he's will and mightiness and power. in that moment i went outbursted jumped up and grabbed his head to my armpit and dragged him down to the bed, which was not capable of bearing his weight plus the momentum so it cracked and broke down, then i released him, and when he started to stand up i pushed him back tih my body the same as he did it and he fall to the bed again breaking it more down. then i left the house full of anger, hate and agression. altough outside i realized myself that i was gone too far and allowed and accepted myself to do the above but remembered to just breathe and stand down. it took me about 25 minutes to completely calm down but until that i even had some thoughts of how to execute him brutally...(i've been playing Assassin's creed for 4 days 1-2 hours/day max but not for enjoyment, this is manipulated me)
long time ago when the YT channels were still up i watched a vid from the dimensions where a being expressed how it assisted a woman to stand up and say no more...with compounding the "problems" of her life until she broke down under the weight of it a realized that altough the weight made her collapse she is still there...
something like this happened to me today. the problems with him compounded and compounded until i bursted out all my anger and hate and cruelty and force against him...showing me what i supressed within myself. yes i supressed it because i wanted to be peacful and non-violent and mostly wanted to think he will change and stop his behaviour, that he will realize himself and stop himself from being the mind system/personalities that he is currently. so yes i supressed hoped wanted and beleived...i participated in my mind every time upon having him in sight or thinking about him.i sometimes saw what i am doing but just skipped a beat and continued it. so yeah i led my mind take over me out of wanting to punish and pay back him for what he is doing to me. i even let him know this right before i left because i asked "well now how it feels to be pushed down aside???" which he just looked and communicated confusedness.
so this is what happened...the why is clear, the how is clear, i asked myself the questions about it and got all the answers to them...now i have to walk my self corrections.
because he is a completely mind-abused and a true organic robot based on his expression he gets banned by me. i will not interact with him in any way. he will see me hear me but i am not participating anymore in any action regarding him. if i would do so i would allow myself to accept and allow him and what he is expressing which i cannot. i am seeking and cutting any form of connections/relationships/associations regarding him. when i see myself judgeing him or supressing something inside me or thinking about him i will stop and breathe and bring myself back here as breath.