Waking Up from a Living Nightmare - Parts 578 and 579

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Waking Up from a Living Nightmare - Parts 578 and 579

Post by Randy »

When listening to these recent recording in the Reptilian Series on Eqafe, Anu could have been talking about me... Or, he could have been talking TO me, about this possession that I was in for several months...

Waking Up from a Living Nightmare - Reptilians - Part 578
Waking Up from a Living Nightmare Practical Steps - Reptilians - Part 579

While it may not have “seemed” like a Living Nightmare, as I've reflected upon this period, I recognized many aspects discussed, and asked myself some of the same questions, and observed similar experiences within myself during this period...

In the past, I've not shared publicly about these sorts of things, fearing that people would judge me and that their opinions of me would change – like it would tarnish my reputation. I've always put on this persona of being strong and stable and didn't want to show/share my weaknesses, or even moments of weakness. In a way, I made light of the ordeal, stating that the whole possession was about the desire to have sex, or the desire to create a relationship where I could have sex. Granted, it's been a long time since I had sex but, that wasn't all of it...

I've smoked weed off and on for a number of years, quitting for months or even years at a time. When my partner was going through her process with cancer, one of the many things we did to help ease her pain was to acquire some medicinal grade marijuana, then I would extract the THC from it, as that helped her pain as much, if not more than the prescription pain medication she was taking... I've always like the taste and smell of “good” weed, so I'd hold a little out for myself to smoke when we were getting it. I justified it to myself, though. Hell, I was spending more money on weed at the time than I'd ever spent, maybe more in those months than I had spent collectively over the years so, I figured I'd at least get some enjoyment out of it. Eventually, she got to where she couldn't stand the taste of the oil anymore, so we quit getting it. However, some time after she passed, a friend of mine brought back some weed after visiting a relative in Colorado, and I bought some from him... That led to me buying more, then even more - regularly - over time...

After working through a lot of grief, I eventually started looking at women differently... My mind kept throwing all these thoughts at me about sex, and this desire to have sex – to meet someone and maybe start a relationship but, mostly just thinking a lot about having sex. One night I had gone into town to get something to eat, as I didn't really have anything at home that I wanted to fix, and on the way home passed the local bar, and noticed that the parking lot was packed – it was the busiest place in town. So, I stopped, thinking that might be a place to meet women... I hadn't been to a bar in years, and found me a spot at the bar and ordered a beer, then another, then another... For me in the past, smoking went right along with drinking so, the next time I went to the bar a couple of weeks later, I bought a pack of little cigars... And so it began...

I didn't initially have the intention to start smoking weed or cigars “regularly”, or drinking, again... But, eventually it became a habit – not just when I went to the bar... I was buying them regularly...
Smoking the cigars would mask the smell of weed on me, so I smoked more of both. Smoking weed and drinking kind of loosened up my inhibitions and insecurities about talking to women as well, so it continued...

I convinced myself that I could handle it, though... After meeting and seeing people at the bar regularly over time, and I'd give them some background information about me – being widowed, how long I was married, etc. – inevitably people would ask me questions about relationships, the keys to a good marriage and that sort of thing, and I could be quite supportive... One guy sought me out several times just to talk, then would buy my drinks for the rest of the night he was so grateful for my "advice"... So, if I could still be assisting and supportive to people, I figured, yeah, I'm okay doing this...

The thing is, I KNEW what I was doing, and that this really wasn't the ME I wanted to be... After all, I could choose the time(s) to be impaired... I'd make sure I was clear when I had a chat with my buddy or participated in a group chat... So, in that I told myself that I could direct it, that I wasn't getting “addicted” to it... But, you know what? I was... I did... But, I kept denying it until My Body got my attention...

Two factors that got my attention...

One night, I had put my quarters up on the pool table and ended up playing pool with a young woman in her mid 30s. Now, I had come to the conclusion a while before this that I wasn't going to meet anyone at this bar that would be a potential partner or sex partner. All of the women close to my age or even 10 – 15 years younger, were in relationships, and all the single ones were really young – younger than my youngest... So, I wasn't really looking for sex at this point. Anyway, as we played pool, this woman talked about some issues with her ex-boyfriend, who had brought her to the bar then left without her. It really wouldn't be out of my way to take her home, so I offered and she accepted. As we got closer to her house, she wanted to talk some more and asked me if I had any beer at my house... I did, so we went to my house and were talking and drinking when she asked me if I wanted to “do it”... Well, of course my mind – surprised as it was, was saying YES – and I followed suit with, well Yeah...
But, when it came down to it, I couldn't perform – could not do the deed... This wasn't the play-out I had anticipated, certainly... But, I don't get all caught up in any energetic charge within and around sex, participating in sexual fantasies and that sort of thing any more... (Bernard's influence coming through.) Yeah, it could have been the alcohol... But, in retrospect could see there was some guilt there, too – the first time having a woman other than my partner in my bed. What I realized is that THAT - this type of scenario - wasn't what the real me wanted, and my body showed that to me.

The second factor was the impact this addiction to smoking, both the weed and cigars, was having on my body. I had gotten to the point where I was smoking my cigars right before bed and, almost as soon as I woke up – even having a puff or two before I had my coffee... But, it was the 'smoker's cough' and feeling a little bit of a wheezing in my lungs that really got my attention. At least I recognized it as manifested consequence... I'd been taking pretty good care of my body for quite a while – eating healthy most of the time and doing enough physical work to exercise my body – and this was simply not acceptable. I knew at that point that I had to quit, this was not who I want to be, or how I want to care for my body.

So, I quit. I'm done. Clean and clear for a couple of weeks now...

I went through some self-judgment for not stopping this sooner, for not seeing that I was in fact going into addiction/dependency, for not seeing that I was using weed and alcohol as a crutch for my insecurity in meeting and starting conversations with new people, for not seeing and realizing that I was creating physical consequences for myself. But, I am so fortunate and grateful to have witnessed and learned from my partner (and many other Destonians), who've demonstrated innumerable times how to: Face it, Forgive it, and Let it Go...

Real time change is but making a decision to change - that can be made in a moment - then standing by that decision...

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Re: Waking Up from a Living Nightmare - Parts 578 and 579

Post by viktor »

Thanks for sharing Randy!

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Re: Waking Up from a Living Nightmare - Parts 578 and 579

Post by Antoaneta »

Wow, cool that you shared Randy. I don’t think I’ve read anything from you before. Thanks for opening up.

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Re: Waking Up from a Living Nightmare - Parts 578 and 579

Post by Leila »

Awesome that you decided to share Randy! I've often found that once it's all out there -- I find that the vulnerability I experienced before sharing, was not as big as once it was all out. Where in a way, placing it on paper, or on the forum discharges a whole lot of the 'tabboo' we've placed around a particular topic or point, removing layers of judgment and ultimately making it easier to work with.

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