Forgiving the past

Eleonora
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Forgiving the past

Post by Eleonora »

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am my past.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I cannot change because in the past I did not and I came to believe people don't change, so I can't change
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the fear of being unable to change, I am not the fear of being unebla to change, fears are NOT real
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am an hostage of my past that can do to me whatever it wants, instead I see that my past came to have power over me through my acceptances and allowances, so I stop myself whenever I see myself walking into a past scenario to replay, I breathe and change my behaviour to what is best for all
I forgive myself for allowing myself to sell myself to the relatinship with my ex husband for fear that I would not be able to survive if I walked away from the marriage and that I did not have anywhere to go
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself as someone who was corrupted because I did not leave that relationship out of fear of survival
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the fear of survival, I am not the fear of survival because fears are NOT real
I forgive myself for allowing myself to have thoughts about staying with my ex husband out of convenience and for judging myself as dishonest because of the thoughts I was aware I was entertaining and for allowing myself to believe I was too weak to leave and that it was more convenient to stay, so I stayed
I forgive myself for allowing myself to acccept and believe that compromising myself for money was what I had to do to survive in this world and that it was NOT in my interest to leave because by living at home I was supported and since I had nt forgiven this about myself I then projected this onto every woman I met after I finally had the guts to leave and get a job
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was a cost for my ex husband and not one and equal because he was the only one working while I lived in fear of no longer being able to support myself through my work
I forgive myself for alowing myself to fear myself as the dark secret side of me that entertains thoughts of self interest and then calls them Love to put a nice coating over an ugly thing
i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from my thoughts as something that was happening to me and not something I was actively involved in energizing them with all sorts of emotions I participated in
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe I am my emotions while I now see emotions are not real but biochemical reactions that happen in my body following thoughts I accept to participate in abusing myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to abuse myself through my thoughts and my emotions
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am worth less since I lost both my ex husband and my best friend instead I see I lived out my preprogrammed design but my design is not who I am
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the dark side of my mother one and equal to my dark side
I forgive myself for allowing myself to acccept and believe that there was something wrong in her so I could justify the something wrong within me and would not require myself to change
I forgive myself for allowing myself to blame my mother because I feared I could not stop myself from becoming like her, full of triggers that I did not know how to defuse, instead I see now that I can handle my triggers through SH and Self forgiveness to stop living like a re-actor and start living in Breath
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe my ex best girlfriend was better than me because she could hide her secret mind better, unless she drank, while sometimes I was all over the place
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel less than my ex best girlfriend and for desiring to be more like her instead of accepting me as I am and making the necessary changes to realign myself to what is best for all
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel superior to my ex husband because I was more aware of my secret mind and thus I was more than him instead I see I always wanted to be more than him because I felt less and because I did not know how to just be an Equal
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel glad when my husband replied to me "fascinating information" after I did not reply to his remark about "what I uused to say in the past" because his "positive remark" made me feel validated about myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I need external validation because I have separated myself from the value of me as Life, the value of Life is Life and needs no external validation
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one with the desire to be validated and approved because I have separated myself from worth as me as Life, I am worthy one and equal to everything that exists
I forgive myself for allowing myself to hope to be validated by my ex girlfriend because when I did not feel validated by her answer I immediately went to my backchat to talk about her being rich and compromised by now so not having a desire to learn about the money system that would rock her boat, so I am better than her
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am better, more than anyone I know that is not walking with Desteni because I am right and they are wrong
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to be right because I have put a negative charge on the word wrong instead of seeing that when I am wrong I have just made a miss-take but I can get up and do it again considering what is best for all in my starting point
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being wrong because I have given to the word wrong the power to lessen me, instead I see that words only have the power I have given to them so I stop making myself and others wrong in an attempt to belittle myself and others abusing what is Here as Life
I breathe, I stand, I am One and Equal, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical

Eleonora
Posts: 635
Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Forgiving the past

Post by Eleonora »

I have noticed something that happens to me when I write specific SF which is unusual, which is I became very tired and need to sleep, or fall asleep, I don't know if this used to happen to oothers at the beginning of their process, would like to know if someone has something to share about this.
Anyway, so fell asleep and had another dream, I have decided that I will write the dreams out immediately because that's when they are most vivid.
So I was going around the centre of Milan with my grandparents, one thing I remember is that we stopped in a branded shop, either Chanel or Cartier, this is NOT something we used to do because my granpparents loved branded stuff, were quite well off but not enough to afaford branded goods.
Anyway, I took off a pair of boots that were very intricately built, with a double tie up lace line going up all the way from the foot to the side, on the second tier there were semiprecious stones in jewel like clusters, they were stunning boots.
We had been walking around the city, sometime walking very comfortably sometimes my grandmother was back on her wheelchair where she spent the 20 last years of her life.
When we stopped at this shop I was not wearing this boots, I tried something on then I had to wear the boots as if I had waked in with them, it took me a long time to tie them up, my grandfather was waiting, he was not annoyed because these boots were so beautiful that they gave value to him as well as me , so he was rather pleased to wait, my grandmother had taken off her gloves which were cotton white gloves to clean the house and they were dirty on the fingertips, I was surprised that she wore these gloves to go out as she had a fetish for gloves and had many beautiful ones.
I remember that my boots smelled like the shoes I took out from my carton that I had stored in Hong Kong after 4 years of being locked up, a smell of humidity and mold, just a touch and I told my grandfather that it was because they were stored for a long time, all this is impossible because they both passed before I returned, so all this is taken out of a time line context.
The boots were quite comfortable and everyone liked them in the shop, they were Cartier or Chanel too, quite unique.
One thing that I could see from this dream is that I have given value to branded gooods because of the experience I bought in my mind, which was that I would be more valuable than if I did not have them, which still holds true because when I wear my Cartier watch which is now all scratched and old still I get a diffferent reception from people than if I didn't, it's a kind of statement of accountability, it tells them "I can" so watch the way you talk to me you might NOT know WHO I AM ?
So, branded gooods, being branded as a way to belong and as a way to assert authority over the ones that do not have the same possbilities. In common sense should have never bought that particular watch because it costed me half of my wage on the first salary I received in Hong Kong, but I had to have it especially in Hong Kong, first because I liked it, I liked the image of the woman who wore it as classy, I hated the fact that when my ex husband bought me a watch he bought me one that He Liked and had a good mechanichs called Jaeger La Coutre/ reverso, but it was not ME, meaning the personality I wished to embody, infact it was even more costly, but it did not add to me the classy elegance that I had come to accept and believe I would have with the other watch, so branded goods as a way to belong to an Elitistic group, as a way of showing "I made it (into the group)" and I was OK.
Again branded goods because my grandparents craved them, because evry time they bought something they would tel me 'who made it' giving it more value than the thing itself had just by adding a virtusl price tag to it, for example we have a table cloth by Pierre Cardin, honestly who cares ? They did, they were the product of a war fiirst and then of an economic boom, until the 1950 in Italy noone but the wealthiest had access to branded goods, then with the "Pret-a-porter" the world of brands openened up to the masses, someone understood that people felt valueless and sold them a value, we all bought into it.
So this dream is about addressing the point of my past where I have giiven away my value to things in the pursuit of happiness, of classy experiences , of belonging too exclusivity, without realizing that exclusivity means to exclude someone so you may feel more than those who are excluded from the money game.
I won't be able to buy new clothes with no labels at the moment but I can make them valueless by taking back my value through self forgiveness and self honesty , looking at where and why I literally bought into beliefs and ideas that I could become more so I would stop myself from feeling less.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that things I own and buy have more value than me, or less value than me, that I can be defined by what I wear and buy because I believed it was so
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that branded goods add something to me because through this belief I took value from me as Life to invest it on branded goods which are not different than unbranded goods since both do not define who am I am as Life
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed of looking into this topic because I have judged others who were more obviously than me into branded goods as superficial
I forgive myself for alowing myself to feel ashamed for having invested myself into the branded world with the hope to feel more than others who were excluded from this exclusive world of brands
I forgive myself for alowing myself to feel less when I don't wear branded clothes compared to when I do wear branded clothes and for proojecting this insecurity outside of myself reading people behaviour towards me as determined by what I am wearing and if I have made myself up or not
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I must cover up my skin with "beauty products' to make it flawless because I fear being judged for my acne on my face instead of realizing I am the only one who is judging myself so I stop all judgements of me and others to embrace myself and others One and Equal as Life
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed about sharing this topic on the Forum because some people struggle with not having enough while I struggle with having too much
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel guilty for having too much and for trying to get rid of my guilty feelings by giving away stuff without realizing it's not about the stuff to give away but about the value to reassess and take away from things where I have invested it to make everything and everyone that exists one and equal to me as Life
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that when I wear my Cartier watch I am more valuable than when I do not, that when I wear jewels I am more valuable than when I do not and for fearing wearing these things now because I can see there is still a charge I have not cleared
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear wearing my clothes and shoes now because I see I had given them a value that they do not have instead of stopping myself from feeling ANY fear, right or wrong
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge some fears as right/useful and appropriate and some fears as wrong/ not useful and inappropriate instead of seeing that all fears are of the mind and thus NOT real
I forgive myself for alowing myself to live one and equal to the desire of owning things of value to portray myself as valuable when I accepted and believed I had no value/worth in me
I forgive mysellf for allowing myself to accept and believe I had no woorth in me instead I see there is no worth whatsover in my Ego and the personalities that I try to portray but only value as me as Life One and Equal to everything that exists Here
I forgive myself for alowing myself to desire to get rid of everything I own hoping that would then become good as opposed to now that I judge myself as bad and instead I realize I am not good or bad, I have just been trapping myself within a polarity game before and now within the opposite polarity but none of them is OUT of the MCS
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to be good/better than others through developing a kind and pleasant personality which was even more of a stretch compared to my secret mind/thoughts that I allowed myself to participate in and thus resulting in always feeling thorn apart
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel thorn apart between my mind and personalities and who I am as Life never allowing myself to self express for fear of not being accepted/rejected
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being rejected and being outcasted by society, which interestingly enough even when I was not crazy has never happened to the extent it's happening now since I have joined this process and tried to share it with others
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire and want to feel more than others because I have finally woken up 5 minutes ago and they didn't and so I hold them in my mind as blind because I have not yet forgiven myself for having been blind regarding the reality I was participating in
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be blind to what is going on within reality so I would not have to take self responsibility for my thoughts, emotions and feelings and could blame them on my past
I forgive myself for alowing myself to buy into the patterns of desire and value of my grandparents for fear that I would be outcasted like my mother who has been less compliant to fashion and colour matching and having to llook a certain way
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was the fear of being outcasted and rejected by my grandparents and for desiring their approval, no matter at what cost
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the fear of being rejected by my friends because since now this fear has come true there is nothing to fear any longer, I was alone before and I am allone now so I'm not moving further awy from who I really am as Life but closer and I no longer fear losing fake relationship along the way because they were fake to start with
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe I was real and for calling other people fake when infact I was the fake one
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself as fake and for feeling the shame of being fake to the point that I could not own it and let it go through SH SF but I projected it on others one and equal to me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to hold on to judgements of me and others which are of the mind born out of comparisons and a desire to be more than them and the fear of being less than them instead of seeing I am one and equal to everything that exists
I forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from clothes and things by giving them a value above me instead of looking at everything as one and equal to me as Life
i forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe things have the value given to them by a price tag instead of seeing that price tags take value away from Life
I forgive myself for allowing myself to put a price tag on everything I own or do because in doing that I separate myself from me as Life One and Equal to everything that exists
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel diminished by wearing scruffy clothes as I am doing now in a form oof atonement instead of seeing that thhis has just swicthed me within the polarities of the game of good and bad that I am still playing on the other side of the spectrum, so I stop giving any value to what I wear and choose clothes that make my body feel comfortable for what I am about to do
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that people that do not wear "worthy" clothes are worth less than me as Life
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe in my preprogrammed design as who I am insttead of seeing I am not what I have come to accept and believe made of thoughts feelings and emotions, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear and for believing I am one and equal too the fear of facing myself and having to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, instead I breathe and see that one point at the time I can make myself stable and release my make belief fears one by one until all that remains is me as Life as Equal to everything that exists
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I had no choice when it came to my mind because I gave my mind power over me to bash me around like a puppet, now I say no more, stand up, take my power back to participate in this process of self correction until I am One and equal to everything that exists
I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical, I foorgive myself for suppressing my self expression in favour of branding myself so I could belong for fear of not having anywhere to belong to
I forgive myself for allowing myself to acccept and believe I am the desire to belong because I felt I did not belong anywhere and there was no place for me in this world
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe I was not worthy of Life
I stan, I am One and Equal, I stop my participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions and breathe my way back HERE where I no longer exists in separation but Equal and One to everything that exists

Eleonora
Posts: 635
Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Re: Forgiving the past

Post by Eleonora »

Back to my mother.
wo niights ago we had a terrible fight that ended in her calling me names (me replying in tone of course even though I tried the breathing bbut it became just too much to keep quiet since the answers were coming up from my back chat as a result of me not having faced what I really feel and think about her), having the "evil" look of craziness in her eyes that I feared all my life because that look means nobody knows where we are going and physical violence is at the doorstep ready to be unleashed.
In a way I was aware the next day that this is the manifested consequence (one of them, not many left as I have nothing left to lose on the pplus side of this story) of my fears, because since I came back to taly I have just supprressed this fear that she might still be the same crazy biitch she has always been, as a result of her participation in the mind, one and equal to me.
So, there have been diifferent movements inside of me, yesterday I felt relief, finally this manifested and I said to myself cool so now I can move on and give up any hope of support or having a place to stay, which anyway never felt safe to start with, hence the why I did not want to put my clothes in the closet or ask to have my residence moved here, very stupidly of me to start the refurbishment of this apartment as now I am living here with no possibility to even wash myself and the feeling that should have known better, because when was it ever safe to trust my mother ?
Yesterday morning I had some wallowing in self pity due to the fact that I realized once again I have to start from scratch, I gave up my furniture on her advise and pushes for 2 years that I should stop paying the deposit in the warehouse so now I have no home, no furniture, my clothes are sealed wiith plastic inside closets and I am living in gym clothes, tee shirts and 1 pair of shoes, still I am here, meaning it''s obvious I did not need any of these things.
So, following a sense oof relief because everything finally blew into what had always been there, the chance that everything might blow up again between us, went into anxiiety because she sent me 2 messages regarding having kept the car documents and having forgotten my sunglasses, meaning she is coming down today to run these 2 errands, she signed the messages with ''mamma' evoking the movie like qualities of 'mamma' instead of the bitch/monster like qualities I deeply associate her with.
Now, this anxiety is due to the fact that I wish I should never see her again, just draw a line and leave her behind because I fear the emotions will feel when she will start to talk as if nothing happened yet again and it was just another 'episode' of life that is 'normal' between mothher and daughter, but it's not.
Tooday realized that I woke up and immediately moved within my mind to this "problem', there is a blatant desire to get even, to hurt her, this is a long suppressed desire I have lived one and equal to, because it's very inappropriate to even think about these things, but they are there, I can see myself attacking her in my imagination when my mind plays out the possbility that she may touch me or say something that I just think 'it's tooo much, there must be a line drawn to the bullshit" because in her mind she has always helped me, but in my mind I only remember being either thrown out of the house or in deep shit because of her, like now, how have I possibly thought that I could come back here and live in peace with her says something about me being demented, meaning she is a certifiable psycopath, what about me, wanting to believe she is someone else so I could have some "peace of mind' instead of looking at what I really think about her, feel about her and let it go as foorgiving my past is not about what she did or not do, but about how I have allowed and accepted myself to participate within a system of abuse, mine and hers that repeats itself endlessly.
So, what did I fee since 2 days ago, first elation, a sense of this is it, don't have to go through this ever again, then I thought could I get my furniture back from my ex husband but then I felt the shame of having to tell him the usual stuff happened with my mother and yes I was only deluding myself about getting along because I was looking for a place to stay and to not feel alone in the world but hei, I'm homeless again.
Then this morning the feelings had escalated to rage because of the 'mamma' sign off, and my interpretation of that as her wanting to "feel normal" and I don't want to allow that, because she is NOT fucking normal, whatever that means, the fight was about money as offered to ppay for some work in the house that she had just told me I could fix as I liked (but she did not mean it of course) and so since I thought I could colour the bedrooms and I went and checked and told her I would buy the paint and I had asked her if she liked what I was thinking and she said yes, but in the evening she used the excuse that I am not responsible because since I don't have a job yet and so no steady income I should not spend money on something like paint or change 'what we had decided too do' because I SHOW THAT I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR MONEY, THERE YOU GO, i SHOULD respect MONEY, so it was not about her having to pay for something but about me wanting to pay for something, taking away from her the power that money gives to her over me, making me 'too indipendent' if I can say 'don't worry I pay for it' because I know she worries about it even though she has more than enough, one paid home where she lives, one rented out and this one kept empty "FOR ME" in her mind, but it was never for me really, this was her negotiating tool, the carot that she would dangle in front oof my nose to have me comply to what LIFE she believes I should live and what decisions I should be making about MONEY, that she can approve of.
It''s all about the money folks, the ones that don't see it are just delusing myself because on my side too, if it was not for this 'potential innheritance' I would have never kept this relationship going, it's abusive and damaging, it's life taking and not life giving, my mother should be on Torazine or Lithium and not left ffree to wander around like if she were harmless because she is fucking NOT, she is HARM-FULL and because of the money I have FORCED myself to suppress all the past, all the memories, all the shit so would not have to face it because if did I feared I would never ever be able to forgive and forget, there is just so much one can forgive and forget I used to think and maybe not forgetting is safer than forgetting so won't have to face it again, ahah, so because I don't foorgive and forget instead I face it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN :)
So I am writing this out so I can see the points that I need to address in Self Forgiveness starting with the point that she should first apologize :) this is a ppattern I took from her 'APOLOGIZE!', because I cannot forgive until she does as I was taught and I have acepted and allowed myself to believe this is how the stoory goes, one attacks another in all possible ways incuding physical but then if they APOLOGIZE one can forgive, the Catholics said that too
As well I have tried to make this relationship work al my life because a daughter that has a relationship that she can't make work with her mother is insane and I fear being insane, un-sane, like her, so I keep it going, I keep it going as well because I feel guilty for having siided with my grandparents against her, because they were the ones with money and noot overtly psycopaths so 2 good reasons for making that choice in my mind so I'm atoning, plus I don't want to face the hate I have acceppted and believed that I have felt and thus stored about her, everytime she hit me one way or another I just hated her and the desre to kill her to have a chance finally to wait for the next abuse and then just hit her, strangle her, even though this fantasy was never indulged in full, the fleeting images of my hands around her neck are there, to pput an end to it all, to erase her from the face of the earth, she used to tell me I made it I can unmake you, maybe I could have UNMADE her after all.
So this is the ugliness in full of my relationship with my mother, made of rage, hate, desire for revenge, desire to harm her as I perceive I myself have been harmed, desire to eradicate her from the face of the earth to make the planet a better place.
But is this the world want to live in, this world that exists in my mind, suppressed, full of conflicts and rage and hate for what I myself have never resolvved in self honesty and self forgiveness ? No
So it is necessary to apply self forgiveness to release myself and her, will there be a future between us ? At the moment I hope not but this again is in fear of the feelings, emotions and thoughts that I MYSELF hold of her and against her that I don't want activated by our interaction instead of seeing that if I keep applying self forgiveness I can become immune and it will no longer matter if we have a relationship or not, but now IT MATTERS, IT MATTERS into reality, it fuels the MCS of myself one and equal to everything that exists and I want TO STOP all of this from manifesting into my world, into the world one and equal to me and for me to become responsible and no longer a source and origin of the conflicts in this world this must STOP, I MUST STOP, so on with SF.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the irritation I fee when my mother signs her letter with "mamma" iinstead than with "THE DEVIL' which I believe it would be more honest and would not bring up images of "cookies baking mothers" to expose the gap between reality and what she would like to believe and make me believe
forgive myself for allowing myself to acept and believe I am the fear of having to my mother when I have not un-raged myself yet but just suppressed my rage so I would not have to take responsibility for how I feel but keep thinking and believing that this is HOW SHE MAKES ME FEEL
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that my mother can make me FEEL things without my aceptance and allowance instead I see only I can make myself feel so when I see myself moving into automatic patterns of thoughts and feelings about what is it to come and what I am about to experience I will myself to stop, breathe, bring myself Here and find a stable point within me through breathing
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am 'only replying' to her rage in rage because when I hold onto this belief I am justifying my particpaion in the Mind as Me of habitual patterns of feelings and emotions as if it was OK while I see that it's unacceptable to find justifications to support my particpation as me The Mind as a source of abuse and suffering in this world
forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I coould suppress all this shit regardiing my mother and me because of the image of myself I wanted to uphold and project of someone who 'at least has worked out the relationship with her mother' since I failed in every other relationship so far
forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe that when my mother calls me names it is acceptable for me to reply 'in tone' because 'I was not the one who started it' instead of seeing I should NOT give in to the invitation but just breathe myself back Here and leave
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe I am the desiire for a "good" relationship with my mother, meaning a relationship where all this stuff would not be activaed, instead I see this is impossible because it requires my active participation to STOP all my suppressions relative to my past by facing them forgiving them and letting them go once anf for all
I foorgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was a burden in my mother's life
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the shame of having been a burden and not wanted by my mother
forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that since I was not wanted and after me she made a vow to Mother Mary giving in pledge a diamond not to have other children, then I am worthless
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am worthless because I cannot have the love of my mother
I forgive mysef for allowing myself to accept and believe that my worth is measured through the positive feedback from my mother because when I hold on to this belief and she doesn't give me a positive feedback I am worthless
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe that I have had it harder than most because by holding on to this belief I give myself permission to fuck up, feeling less than anybody else I meet due to my belief about myself that I always fuck up ultimately
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe that if and when I fuck up it's my mother's fault and I should blame her forever more because I have not sorted out my life yet taking responsibility for al my thoughts, feelings and emotions
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the fear that some people that I have defined more important than others in my life might learn that I am still having troubles with my mother and this makes me feel diminiished
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am diminished by not getting along with my mother even though I can see that at the moment the only way to 'get along' is through my suppressions and it's not working
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am bad because I cannot make the relationship with my mother work
I forgive myself for allwing myself to hate myself because I cannot make this relationship work
I forgive myself for allowing myself to hate my mother because she can't make this relationship work instead I see I just hate myself and project this feeling onto her so I won't have to face it and take responsibility for the hate I have lived one and equal to
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the hate I feel for my mother instead of reaizing hate is a feeling derived from the thoughts hold about her that I have not yet stopped participating in, so I STOP my participation in thoughts and memories from the past that I have used to keep this hate alive one and equal to me, forgive them and let them go
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that she should change first because she is The Mother and with this belief I have given myself permission to not face myself and take the necessary step in self honesty and self forgiveness to let my past go and free myself and my mother one and equal to me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I should blame my mother for al the evil that she has done to me instead I see she was just preprogrammed to live a harmful and damaging life and never found ways to forgive herself soo that she could change
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the Fear of having to endure physical violence from my mother because I fear my own desire to hit her back and strangle her to put an end to all of this
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the desire for violence as a way to pay her back for all the harm I have acceped and believed she has forced on me, instead I see I have been the one harming myself all along through my participation in and as the Mind and I now STOP myself so I can release myself from the past to stop being a source of conflict in and as my world
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that since everyone should get along wiith family because family is the moost important thing in the world am a fuck up because I don't
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that family is the most imprtant thing in the world or in any way more than anything else, instead of seeing family is just a mind construct designed for enslavement and that I have allowed myself to be enslaved by an idea and desire for a place in which I am special, my family
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am worthless because my family doesn't want me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that if my mother can throw me out of the house favouring a man that molested me over me, I am worthless
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that if my mother culd take back a man that molested me, she doesn't care about me therefore I am worthless, instead of seeing this has nothing too do with me but with my mother's sense of worthlessness about herself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I must fear my mother visit today because I anticipate her trying to talk to me normally and condiscendengly as if there was something wrong with me while she is the underrstanding one
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe that when she plays 'the understanding one' forgetting about how she was a psycopath just 5 minutes ago I should feel enraged, instead I see I feel enraged because I allow myself to move as the Mind and not be Here as Breath without engaging in thinking in any way
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept ad believe that my rageful thoughts about my moother are justified by her behaviour because this is just an excuse I use to give myself permission to think rageful thoughts and this is unacceptable
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self pity because I had 'such a mother' and believe I did not deserve it
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that some people deserve to live rageful lives while I didn't because by holding on to this belief I accept a system of inequalities, nobody deserves to live as a MCS lost in thoughts feelings and emotions
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the shame of thinking that my mother should have died and NOT my grandmother because my life was easier with my grandmother
I forgive myself for alllowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to see my mother die and get her money that I believe it's a compensation for the life she put me through
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that my mother is responsible for the life I lived, the thoughts I thought and the emotions and feelings I have participated in so far when in fact it was always through my acceptances and allowances that I thought, felt and believed what I did that harmed and abused myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the abuse I have received and I have participated in as a MCS
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I can never heal from the scars and damages of my life instead I see that since scars and damages were self inflicted I can undo them through self honesty and self forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I need to keep these memories of abuse alive within me as a definition of who I am because I fear no longer knowing who I would be if I let all of this go and freed myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that when my mother goes out of her way to 'make me feel bad' I have no choice but 'feelbad ' instead I see I can choose if I want to participate or not and I choose to STOP my participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions, memories and idea about the past and about what is ahead of me given my past so I can start to live and experince myself Here in the physical
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the fear and worry about my future who has just become unstable again due to this turn of events, instead I see that because of my relationship with my mother I have developed a gift of not seeing practicality as a problem because I have discovered I am able to face anything outside of this family, so I tap into this gift that came from my troubled self created life to stand up and realize there is nothing to fear but just steps to take toward being self sufficient and self responsible again
I forgive myself for allowing myself accept and believe I am the fear of having to face my mother's deah in regret if I don't fix this relationship, instead I see regret is not real but just another mind fuck that prevents me from standing up to become self support regardless of how things will work out around me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that just because my mother thinks she has a ight to interfere and express opinions about my life I must be disturbed by this instead I see that no matter what she does, I have a choice to participate or not as a MCS and I choose NOT to
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the fear of failing in standing up within me and face my mother instead I see that if I fail I will keep writing self forgiveness and writing myself out until there won't be anything left to activate within me as a MCS
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not take responsibility for these thoughts feelings and emotions because I was ashamed of myself for what I have allowed myself to participate in, instead I see I a not the SHAME of myself, shame is NOT real, emotions and feelings are not real, thoughts are not Real, so if I want to Self Reaize I must leave all of these behind and stop believing that they, together with my past are who I really am
I stand, I am One and Equal, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical

Eleonora
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Forgiving the past

Post by Eleonora »

Back to my mother

so today I was not as cocky as yesterday, I woke up in thhis demolished apartment and tried to make my way out of the house before the workers came because even if I told them "I'm staying here because it's more practical", I feel ashamed because I think they think "doesn't she have a mother that can host her ?" but instead I met them on the door while I was going to the gym to wash myself, as here there is only the toilet seat and sink left at the moment.
This morning when I looked around I thought "THIS is what my moher has been offering me all my life, hardship and discomfort but I did not want to see that because I always wanted to believe that she loved me and that some things she did were just misguided and not jjust pure evil for the purpose of making me suffer because she too suffers and as they say hurt people hurt people.
ne thing I cannot let go is the desire of wanting to shoe to her our reality for what it is, so in the past when she said things like "yes we had some troubled times but I don't know any other mother-daughetr ' relationship that is as close and intimate as ours" and I would confirm, lying that it was true.
In a way it is true, I don't know anyone else who had SUCH a relatinship, we jjust don't mean it in the same way.
Today Gian posted smething about beauutiful people being the one who had true hardship, I think I bellieved that about myself, not so much to be more than others, but to give a sense to this, to justify my sffering as a lesson that makes me "a better person" not than others so much as I held suuch inferiority feelings that I had a long way to go before being LIKE others, just about me, better than I was before suffering but I see now that by holding on to this bullshit belief I justify suffering within me and the world, marry the idea that the planet is a fucking school and we are all getting better.
The problem is I don't seem to have gotten any better through suffering, in fact in self honesty I can say I have gotten much worse than I was because hurt people hurt people ? Or this is just another bullshit belief to justify why was not stopping myself from hurting others, I am qualified to hurt, make way, I have been certifiably hurt myself :)
So, it's time to put this suffering to rest once and for all.
So today my mother called at about 9, I was in a bar having breakfast, I have turned to sugar again which is not good but there is the underlyig justification "that in my situatiion given al the shit" what harm can a croissant do ?
So she caled, my mobile sppeaks and said Mamma Cell, I thought a moment if I should answer or not, then I did because I knew she was coming to Milan and she might need something and she said "I'm coming to Milan and I would like to meet for a chat " to which I replied " would not like to mee for a chat, I left your stuff at the caretaker as you asked so you can pick it up from there" she said " Ah..OK then" and we hung up.
Then I finished my crooissant and milk and sttarted to feel unconfortable because I thought she would llater thrw on my face that she was LOCKED OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE, so I called back to let her know the door was open and she could go in if she wanted and she replied 'SOO YOU LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN JUST LIKE THAT?" and I said "NO, the workers are there (they have her keys) so you can go in" the tone was the usual one of extreme anger.
hen I went to the GYM, I tried the breathing but it did not work, was just too caught uup in thoughts playing out about what she would say the next time and what I would say and looking for all the possible side of the story to make myself feel covered under any possible attack, one that is coming for sure is that ' I AM THE ONE DECIDING HOW AND WHEN THIS RELATIONSHIP MUST GO' because she can't understand why I don't want to sit (or stand) through hher verbal attacks and abuses, she thinks I show signs of immaturity by leaving and she cannot yet connect the dots that I have been leaving in the middle of her abuses since I am 17, even run away from home to a foreign country, told her that I won't tolerate anymore to be attacked and called names, this for the past 20 years, but she is a mental case I guess and so I myself get bored of listening to me again and again repeating the same things that fall on deaf hears, two days ago I thought, I'm the fucking mental case that came back to taly under "her loving acceptance and support", really who is the crazy one here if one is just mental but the other one keeps going back to the abuse in hoping she changes, for fear of not having support, for fear of severing this last thread with my dellusional hope for a family and somewhere safe, a place where I feel welcome and loved.
Ah, this is the other big one,
she would always use the words like "I love you so much (it hurts - I should add), and today I saw the Italian word for love withing the family is AFFETTO, which translated and is equal to AFFECTED, so one is affected by tubercolosys, cancer or by the "love" of a fucking family like mine, I want to blog about this, what parents do in the name of Love, because it's true we are preprogrammed, because when she cries and then says I LOVE YOU SO MUCH then I would forget anything, and I do obviously because I am back here am I not ? :)
My friend wrks for a charity placce where they handle cases oof extreme abuse, and she told me that when the social assiistance comes to take the children away, the children don't want to go, no matter how bad the abuse they cry to stay (and be abused some more ?) Such is the nature of our fears, abuse is better than fear of survival, abuse we have come to know we can survive it, away from the family can we survive ?
I can, I know because I left many times and lived 17 years abroad, but for as much as I have done to drop my mother off my life, shake her off like you would shake off a leech, I was never able to, iif I was not talking to her she would wait a couple of years and come back seemingly "normal", until the next rant and violence and then apologies and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
It's almost funny now that I write it out but it's true, or maybe NOT, maybe none of our memories and relationships are true we bought intoo a make belief of abuse intended to make us buy into the system and of making us become the system itself.
So, now I don't know about my future yet, for sure I am not staying here, everything my mother has giiven to me or pretended to give to me had a huge price tag, I have sold out before but no more.
The only thing is I don't know yet what I'm supposed to do, in a way I'm still looking for the right and wrong to lead me, is it right to drop your mother, leave her behind, she has enough money and a house, actually 3 houses so she is not in need of money, but I fear hurting her beyond repair, but can a system be hurt, and I fear that I am not behaving well, all this self investigation will it make me heartless ? or is it just another mindfuck ?
Do I have a right to an existance where I can breathe away from abuse and fear of which she cannot be responsible but only me for accepting and allowing it, so this point is still unfolding and not clear yet.
Anyway today I watched "Siblings and - Keepers of the Past" and it was supportive the point of not taking it personally and then skyped with my buddy about it and this was very supportive too because at least I am not keeping all this shit inside and she made some very good and supportive points about me wanting to show her I am right (which is true) because I am right LOL
No, jokes apart today thought if she insists on talking I will ask for a wiitness, she can get an unbiased one like a psychiatrist :) so she will leave the meeting on Torazine or Lithium or anyone else, because she fear 'other's people hearing us fighting and all the shit she vomits on me all the time" but she doesn't fear me obviously, not enough LOL even though she says she fear me, she fears me leaving for good, she must know I have it in me, I should then find it in me to just leave her behind and move on.
This afternoon after reading facebook and listening to some stuff I fell asleep and had a dream, I was driving my mother's car, I stopped and did not lock it, left my bag with money, documents and everything inside and went to 2 sweet shops, bought and ate sweets, funny because by then I seemed to be in San Francisco in or close by the Chinese Quarter, then when I was still eating one of this cake I walked back to the car and could not find it, first thought in the dream was how to tell my mother I left the car unloocked as she just accused me 2 days ago to NOT RESPECT MONEY ENOUGH, then I thought about my documents, credit cards, hhaving to cancel them so in huge anxiety in the dream I called my mother who was on the other line with a friend and she said to the friend "wait, now you'll see, she will ask for some favour" and I had to I had to ask for her to call the credit cards to cancel my cards because my phone was gone too, she went back to her friend and said "see, what did I tell you" and I felt humiliated and ashamed ..and I woke up all sweaty within an anxiety attack realizing I'm still scared sitless of my mother.
So, this was my day all laid out for me to see, will come back later or tomorrow morning for self forgiveness as I am willing myself to push through go to the bottom of this point until I no longer react and suppress myself in self abuse regarding the topic of my mother.
Might be soon homeless because this is another pattern of ours, when I close the door to the abuse she throws me out because what use am I for if I am not even willling to be abused in exchange of 'EVERYTHING SHE DOES FOR ME THAT NEVER SEEMS TO BE ENOUGH' to buy her the right to abuse me ? :)

Eleonora
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Re: Eleonora Forgiving the past

Post by Eleonora »

I forgive myself for allowing myself to wake up and move immediately into feelings of anxiety regarding my mother
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that it's 'normal' to move into such feelings when I have a vicious discussion with my mother because my mother is 'the most important person in my life' because when I hold on to this belief I am not important to myself and she becomes more than me in my mind
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my mother because I never know what is coming next
I forgive mmysefl for allowing myself to accept and bellieve that I am an ungrateful daughter because I cannot be grateful for the abuse
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the memories and images that I have stored within me of my mother viscious looks that always escalate in verbal abuse and violence and for fearing those looks on her face
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the shame of my mother ridiculing me as a kid with her friends and telling them in fron of me rolling her eyes what a burden I was
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am a burden to anyone
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to die to stop fucking up because I have accepted and believed that I always fuck up as my mother that 'loves me so much' keeps telling me and reminding me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that my mother's words have power over me because I have allowed myself to connect her words to the way I felt instead of taking responsibility for my feelings as something I myself create
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the shame of the feelings I created within her when I now see I cannot create emotions and feelings inside of another because feelings are the result of one's participations in one's thoughts and I cannot think for another
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire for a good relationship with my mother that can prove to me and others that I am a good person
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the desire to be good because I fear being bad and ending up as vicious as my mother
I forgive myself for allowing myself to acccept and believe I am the fear of becoming as vicious as my mother
I forgive myself for allowing myselt to become as vicious as my mother through my acceptances and allowances of thoughts one and equal to me that generate vicous feelings inside of me so that I might one day get even with this fucking bitch
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge my mother as a fucking bitch one and equal to me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself as a fucking bitch because I did not want to stop myself from thinking revengeful thoughts to make her see how wrong she was so I could be right and get my own respect back
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to my desire for 'respect' and for building in my mind personalities that demand respect instead of just stopping and bringing myself HERE to give respect to myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to connect respect with money because I then desiired money to have respect
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was the desire to be all powerful like the Mafia people so I would not be attacked ever and would have respect
I forgive myself for allowing myself to create a personality that shows my mother that whatever she does to me I don't suffer because I have suppressed the suffering inside of me instead of facing it and releasing it to free myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to get even because I should not have had the life I had with my mother and I accept that getting even may be 'to be paid back' through an inheritance for which I ended up compromizing myself within this polarity value game
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that money can be a compensation for the abuses in the world instead of not allowing abuses within me and as me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to imagine that my mother is now suffering because of our last fight and the things she said instead of seeing this is happening only in my imagination and generates feeling of 'feeling sorry' for her and makes me feel bad because I should be the one understanding that she is sick even if she doesn't
I forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress myself regarding speaking to my mother about her sickness because the last time I suggested that she was bipolar and I thought she should be happy about it because it meant she was not BAD but just sick, she threw me out of the car in the traffic and shouted SLUT AND BASTARD at me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the shame of being called names by my mother for no reason believing that sometime there are good reasons to call people names instead I see now that calling people names with the purpose of diminishing them and make me feel more and better is unacceptable
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I could store my abusive childhood within me and not let it go as a way to excuse myself for my behaviour instead of stopping and taking responsibility for the thoughts I think, the words I speak and the feelings I generate within myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to become a network of thought patterns and emotions that fires off indipendent of my control because I have not stood up and taken responsibility for the way I think and feel
I forgive myself for allowing myself to use my mother to feel sorry for myself and as a reason why I cannot stand up like everyone else, because I had it harder
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I cannot let go of my past because my mother exists just to remind me everything about it and put me right back in' my place' which is a place of defeat and sorrow, instead I see it's my choice to join the slippery slope to insanity that is the past and the abuse that she offers to me and not her fault for what happens when I join in
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe that there is no way one can drop a daughter or a mother out of their life just because my mother said so
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the huge sadness I felt when I would hear her telling people that she had not loved me immediately when I was born, but only after 3 months when I accidentally fell off the table
I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I can't have fallen off the table at 3, that she either dropped me on purpose or left me there for hours and not a minute just to take a new diaper as she said
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my mother's rage and hatred
I forgive myself for allowing myself to acept and believe I am the fear of my mother's rage and hatred
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the guilt I have felt when I run away from home at 17 because of all the hurt I had given to my mother instead of seeing I just run away because I did not know how to stop the abuse and nobody wanted to help me move out of her house
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be angry at my mother because I made her responsible for all the hurt and suffering that went on inside of me instead of taking responsibility for the thoughts emotions and feelings I participated in because within response-ability there was the power to change that I abdicated to her
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the shame of seeing my ex husband rolling his eyes when I complained about some new abuse from my mother
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I always had to go back because mother is mother after all
I forgive myself for allowing myself to come back here in a situaiion of dependance exposing myself to more abuse just because I thought I would have a place to stay and we could start from scratch, which we did :) Started from another scrath !
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the shame of not being heard because whatever I say it seems to never get anywhere, she gets it for a few days and then is business as usual
I forgive myself for allowing myeself to accept and believe I am the desire to be heard by my mother
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I must be worthless and have never nothing of value to say because even my mother won't hear me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel guilty because my mother was jealous of me being more loved by friends and family than she was through suppressing within me the true nature of me one and equal to my mother, which was unlovable
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe in all the bullshit she used to say like "I made you brave, I made you special, I made you original " never seeing there was never nothing REAL about me there, just a small boost compared to her big boost that SHE MADE ME
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe my mother MADE ME, instead of seeing I have made myself into this abusive and fucked up person through my acceptances and allowances of beliefs, thought patterns, emotions and feelings I have allowed myself to participate in
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I will never be worthy until I make the relationship with my mother work because this could be til the cows turn blue or never while I am worthy HERE as Life as everything that exists
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that in her shoes 'I would have done better' instead of seeing that in her shoes I would have done just like her because our lives were preprogrammed and so eacah one is just playing their preprogrammed part
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the desire that my mother should change first because it would be more normal/natural within 'the order of things' and my ego demands it
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I have good reasons to feel sorry for myself given my life experience with my mother intead of seeing whenever 'feelings and emotions' are involved there are no good reason to participate with them, because participating in emotions and feelings and thoughts is a form of self abuse and thus abuse for everything that exists one and equal so I stop myself from feeling sorry for myself, let go of my past so I can start living
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that it is NORMAL to fear such a mother like mine because I feel scared for my physical well being, instead I see I can walk away when I see that she is going to the usual places of abuse and violence and I don't need to reply or fight back for my survival I need to stop my participation in desiring to make her see that her behaviour is WRONG
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire that my mother dies as a solution to what I fear and feel for her instead of seeing that if my mother dies and I had not worked on my past in self forgiveness I would just add to the truckload of shit to clear the feeling of guilt "for having desired my mother to die'
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel guilty for desiring my mother to die as a way to put an end to my suffering and fears of her
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that my mother has power over me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that since I know already that she looked for me yesterday to make up and "give me" something I should have listened instead of giving up the opportunity to be paid back for the abuse, instead I see that this is me standing up, removing from money the power of settling abuses against Life, I remove my support on money as a tool to pay back abuses, abuses are unacceptable, I no longer accept abuse in my life from others or myself equal and one
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the shame of having given in to money as a repayment for abuse accepting the abuse as something that can be bought and sold and accepting money above Life within me equal and one
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the fear of exposing myself like in the dream I had last night, when I told a girlfriend teacher that I had no 'real university degree' and I felt the way she perceived me had changed and so I tried to mend things up by saying I took one later on and not when I was due to take one
I forgive myself for alowing myself to not accept myself as I am regardless of my university degrees because this is one point that my family and my mother used as a way to make me feel less and stupid because I did not see I could make MORE money with a degree
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that forgiving family members means give them permission to keep doing what they have always done because they can't change, instead I see that by holding on to this belief I accept that people can't change, including myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to look for worth outside of me because I have accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to worthlessness as projected onto me by my mother that herself felt worthless for not having been wanted by her mother
I see that my mother is just repeating patterns of abuse and self abuse and I stop holding her responsible for the way I feel and to look for 'friend's simpathy' for what I have to go through again to make myself 'right' instead I stop talking about my mother to others, stop desiring to be validated as right by someone who is looking at things 'objectively'
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am diminished by other's opinion of me when the opinion is negative because then I try to make up stories to always win a positive feedback that I only need when I accept and believe that my own assessment in self honesty is not enough
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the failure of not being loved by my mother 'in the right way' instead I see, love is an illusion, a manipulation tool that I one and equal to others have been using to bring people exactly where I wanedt them feeling good about themselves from which point anything can be milked out
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I lack love in my life because others don't love me, including my mother, instead I see I lack the love of myself because I have never accepted me as I am and never loved myself unconnditionally
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that people must do things to be loved, that love must be earned, like money
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I can love another
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I could love another and not investigate 'the love story' further because I felt I actually never loved anyone but looked for people that told me 'no, you loved me very much' meaning you made me feel good about myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that since what my mother offered as love hurted and made me feel bad about myself, maybe love was the opposite, love was about making people feel good about themselves and so I just moved within polarities through the deception of 'LOVE'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear giving up the idea and belief in Love because it seemed such a good thing and such a good idea to hold on to and I fear embracing the idea of a world without love
I forgive myself for allowing myself to associate and connect the world love to family because this creates fear inside of me regarding letting go of the 'family' as 'Love'
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the fear of letting go my Family and not 'be loved ' any longer by anybody, instead I see it's my job to love myself unconditionaly and no one else's and I will myself to love myself unconditionaly until I can be One and Equal to the word Love in Self Expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to delude myself about 'Love' and for seeking that warm feeling even though it meant abusing myself and others
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that 'one cannot live without love' because since I realized I have not been loved and never loved and I am still alive this must be plain bullshit I just bought into to make myself feel better about this world and my own participation and allowance of it
I forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress my self in the name of Love
I forgive myself for allowing myself to manipulate others in the name of Love
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire being loved by my family as a proof of my worth, instead I take back my power to see myself as worth, one and equal to me, when I stand Here One and Equal as Life
I stand, I breathe, I am One and Equal, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical

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larrymanuela
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Re: Forgiving the past

Post by larrymanuela »

Hi Eleonora,

I see you have written a lot of self-forgiveness statements here, cool.

I have a cool example of how Sunette did one here is the link: http://self-forgiveness.blogspot.com/20 ... art-1.html


Thanks.


Larry Manuela

Marlen
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Re: Forgiving the past

Post by Marlen »

Hi Eleonora

What I suggest taking on specifically is the single relationship formed between you and your mother as a point you're still holding on to which creates that constant re-enactment of the same playouts of any other relationship of abuse. It's plain to see how 'love' is used as a form of manipulation to keep someone by their side while obviously not being supportive at all.

You've got it in terms of understanding that you're the one that must take self responsibility for any abuse that you've allowed within your life in all your relationships and that it's not about 'others' but yourself at all times.

So, what will it take for you to literally stop such abusive relationship? how is it possible to stand equal to 'your mother' just as any other human being? What is then feared to be lost?

These are just some points to consider beyond the points described in your writings here - but taking that single relationship formation and how it holds you in a certain position wherein you are still having to 'deal' with it from the starting point of the mother-daughter relationship instead of looking at taking self responsibility at all times and stopping participating within and from the starting point of such family-construct which holds and drags all of these past events as perpetual context from which you and her participate.

So, letting go through self forgiveness implies making sure such memories are specifically self forgiven to not allow them to influence you the next time that you interact with your 'mother'.

See that it's not about 'not talking to your mother' or anything like that, but who you are within at the moment of doing so - stopping all thoughts, pictures as memories in that moment and standing equal as the physical reality that holds no past or grudge may allow you to take each point as it comes and not participating in the usual patterns that lead to verbal fights and anything else.

Look at how is it that you can in fact stand equal to 'your mother' as a process that will support you in standing up from the past and making sure it is not revamped every time you see her or anyone else from your reality as 'past life'.

Thanks for sharing

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Cathy
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Re: Forgiving the past

Post by Cathy »

Cool support Marlen.

Eleonora wrote: I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the memories and images that I have stored within me of my mother viscious looks that always escalate in verbal abuse and violence and for fearing those looks on her face

Yes, Eleonora, suggest you write out the memories specifically each one. When one becomes specific then we are able to see exactly how we accepted and allowed emotions and feelings through self denial to create awful experiences of ourself wherein we actually believe and magnify the abuse ten-fold and in doing so we fail to see our part in how we projected our own fears into and as those before us. This is how I was able to 'identify' and 'lay to rest', what I faced to/towards my step father - which was similar to what you describe to/towards your mother. Once we see and comprehend 'our part' in the creation of our experiences/memories of ourself, then release through self-forgiveness is incredible.

Breathe and write in detail each memory and you will see for yourself

Eleonora
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Re: Forgiving the past

Post by Eleonora »

Thanks Larry Manuela for your note, I will make sure I always use that start for my sentences because I went back and saw some I missed and even wondered why because I know it's about bringing it Here, I missed a few especially on Love, will look into that.

Thanks Marlen for your support.
Today I was a bit worried because the thoughts in my head seem to be worsening instead of stopping and becoming more vicious in nature and I wondered "am I doing this right?" because I deluded myself that when I was suppressing, through POT as well, it was better than if I had to open the floodgates of ALL the stuff that I was pushing deep inside because it made me vomit to even think about it.
But now everything is resurfacing with a vengeance, and this word is speciific, because the backchat of today was all about how I will construct a speech to prove to her what a shit she is, forget the fucking charity she goes to or the 'good deeds' what about what happens at home ? And then my mind offered the "An Eye for an Eye" video by Bernard as an authorization of 'go and get even so she will know how it feels, only one slap back in a life of abuse ? Not enough, pull her hair...and shit like this, I'm not joking, especially because there is nothing to joke about this, it's pathetic.
At least when I smoked pot I would just hand the phone and not engage her, the other day I did that too but I can see that I'm getting ready now, waiting for the next chance she will give me for sure in the next few days because "patterns repeat themselves, so this is how our patterns go 'she attacks me, i move out, then she looks for me al teary eyed and apologetic and makes me understand that she knows 'she is missing a few marbles' but this only happens at this specific stage of our patterns, then I give in, then we go and pretend we have such a good relationship, then when her pressure cooker time is up she will look for anything, and I mean anything, could be me scratching my nose and that means obviously that " I have contempt for her or whatever the fuck she can come up with, she can still surprise me somehow, the other night not so much as I saw the crazy look on her face as soon as I walked into the house, then the excuse she found was that 'I looked at her in contempt' while she was reading something to me, which is possible because in my mind I had already moved way ahead of her into the feeling that we were AT THAT POINT, where nothing really mattered and it was just about TIME, what she would find to hang me and crucify me with just out of her demented mind, which she did infact, business as usual.
So this is the story for me laid out to see, the ppattern because it's always the usual fucking pattern, the difference is that now I feel I WANT TO HURT HER, while before I did not have this feeling or maybe I had suppressed it sooo deep because it was so unacceptable to me to see that I wanted to hurt and harm my mother, the person that LOVES ME THE MOST in the world :)
Now I took a note out of what you wrote because it rung important and it is the following

So, what will it take for you to literally stop such abusive relationship? how is it possible to stand equal to 'your mother' just as any other human being? What is then feared to be lost?

So what will it take for me to stop such abusive relationship ? Her death could be one dandy solution :) NO, really I can see that her death is NOT the solution because her mother died and she still self abuses regarding what her mother did said and thought about her, so probably the solution is to let go of all this stuff IN MY HEAD because it's not happening NOW HERE but only in MY HEAD as THE PAST.

The Standing Equal part comes more difficult to lay out because when I grew up I thought 'once I have my own money all this will stop' but then I had my own money and it didn't STOP.
I had jobs of responsibility and it didn't STOP.
I had a family of my own and it didn't STOP.
Yesterday when she wrote to me and signed 'mamma' I fucking hated it, bringing up the fluffy rabbbit image of being wrapped up in a blanket together all happy, same when she sends me the fucking cartoons in her letters, she says she is INFANTILE, which she is, but it's not about her , it's about what I have defined 'mamma' to be that she doesn't fit with and I resent extensively.
Today I watched Matti's video about Self Forgiveness and how it's all happening in our heads, I have to go back to it because I fell asleep while watching it but my MIND was backchating 'the fuck it is, here we are not talking about not liking someone clothes' but I knew that it was all deception going on and it's why I probably fell asleep, because I don't want to see that there is no diffference from his example to my relationship with my mother, take away the LOVE bullshit, which is obviously NOT real and self evident in this case, what is left is only memories and stories and definitions I have accepted and allowed as me, my story one and equal to me.
Just now I went down to buy cigarettes, when I came back I read Cathy's message (thanks Cathy !) and I'm putting together all the support of this thread and it goes back ALL TO ONE THING.
Where the fuck is my self responsibility for allowing myself to live in such a way within my head ?
Even living here in this demolished apartment fuels the feeling of "poor me' instead of seeing it was my choice to come here, I have money in my pocket to rent a place from tomorrow, BUT if I stay here I can keep victimizing myself plus I get to follow the works on behalf of my mother and STORE ONE POINT against her for the future attacks that I am myself already creating by creating the polarity credit that must be balance with her debit.
So now that I keep writing I see, I'm not just thinking to get back at her, I'm already getting back at her in my HEAD, one step ahead of the abuse, giving it for sure that the next abuse must come.
And what is this fucking abuse if not me alowing myself to participate in feelings and emotions and memories of something that is not HERE because I can see that she is not HERE, she is not tormenting me right now, so who is the fucking tormentor if NOT ME MYSELF unwilling to let go because in my psycopathic mind this is my getting even, never releasing myself as a way to get back at her.
But still the point of equality with my mother is not unfolding yet, equal to my mother, when I write it I don't want it, because Equal to my mother to me means Equal to an evil bitch, because this is what she is to me deep down, well well, glad this stuff is coming up because I thought where is the ugly nasty stuff Bernard always talks about and here it is, all laid out for me to see, so next step, laying out memories in detail to let them go, laying out my own judgement of what a MOTHER MAMMA should be that my mother keeps missing out on and that enrages me, laying out my reasons for not wanting to be an equal and what I fear losing if I do.
Funny because at the end of our fight when I was aready walking in the street, it was dark,, I didn't know how to get back to Milan and she callled me, I cried on the phone and told her 'I'm not coming back I'm tired of your abuses, you called me this and that and she said you told me that matricide was a good idea pity you didn't think about it earlier ( :evil: ) and I said 'mine was just a reply to your attack, take responsibility for your words" and she replied "and you take responsibility for YOUR LIFE" to which I replied fuck off and hung up.
Now it seems she might not have been so off the mark after all :oops:
Will come back to this later, now will go to eat something and rewatch Mattis' video on SF, thanks to all for your great support

Eleonora
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Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Eleonora Forgiving the past

Post by Eleonora »

I have been kind of lazing around about coming back to this SF and looking for excuses to postpone, the last excuse I tried is that it's late and have to be up by 730 but when I checked the clock it's only 11 pm, way before my usual late bedtime.
I have already done another blog on my experience at the pastry shop I had today that made me think about Free Choice and what it really means, watched some Youtube stuff on Equal Money and read Facebook new posts and now there is really nothing else for me to do but come back to this topic, which is obviously necessary because I'm still actively engaging my mother, no longer speaking because I refuse so we moved the war onto the gmail turf, not improving yet.
So I have a few good pointers here, since I am obviously still plenty judgemental toward my mother and I missed a chance to stop writing bullshit today to make her see my point of view which should be plenty clear to me, she JUST CANNOT SEE, no matter how much I shout it at her, dissect it, take it from another angle, turn it upside down, fuck all, she just keeps going like a tank into a one way lane and doesn't even see me, so BIG waste of time.
So, to sum up the support I received, it all points to the fact that
from Larry - my sentences were incomplete, meaning smewhere there is a resistance to take FULL responsability
From Marlen - what do I fear losing, which could be the WHY I resist taking full responsibility
from Cathy - HOW to take full responsibility by dissecting memories in details
from my Buddy - could this be a codependent relationship (definitely in a way that I perceive it like a dance, the music starts and off I go, my feet fly off the floor), plus appy SF for feeling responsible for how my mother feels when I try to take a distance because I feel guilty and then I resent her for the guilty trip I board of my own will and then I feel the need to slam the door on her face, this seems to be a pattern. As well, when did I first start to accept the abuse, which could relate to memories and this is not clear yet, I only have the clear memory of the first time I felt scared shitless of my mother the first time she raised her voice when I was 6 years old (that I remember) because I underperformed at school and there was a lot of anger and I can't even remember if she touched me physically but I remember that fear like something cracking inside, a thunderstorm that I blamed on her and from then on I never trusted her as a "safe place", a feeling as well that that particular moment might have been the beginning of my lieying as a way to never feel like that again, so I will start from here and see how it goes.
Today we exchanged about 12 messages back and forth, none pleasant, the last one was hers, I consider this a small step ahead because I was never able to let go until I would wrestle her to the ground and kill her with words, the last one that was still inviting the fight I just trashed it.
Today I questioned my sanity as well as hers, because she is certifiable crazy but I came back here for some more abuse, so what does this say about me ?
Another point I saw was that my backchat was less vicious today, that it started to turn more to taking it back to self while yesterday was no trace of that and I saw resentment because I do blame her if I am dysfunctional somehow and I saw that I don't fear being like her, I resent her FOR being like her, because there is no difference that she is always vicious first, I'm second but have nothing to envy, have all my own viciousness in place just waiting to be unleashed, so I am One and Equal thus the resentment.
A friend came to visit me and I watched myself tell the story, was aware that I would not twist it, and I did not because there was really no need, but while I told it I saw some points, fo example I looked at her in contempt IN ANTICIPATON of something that until then had only happened in my mind, same thing I blame her for, to have plenty of movies in her head that she acts out about, same here.
Then I had a good cry in total self pity because I'm living now in a semi demolished apartment, my plans of using this apartment are gone even though she says I'm welcome to stay as long as I want I just don't trust her that she will not change her mind another day and just throw me out, another memory from the past, hence why I did not want to settle in because I have developed this habit of never settling in with anybody just in case they throw me out.
This morning though I saw as well that I stay here instead of moving to a service apartment as a way to put petrol on fire so to speak, because every morning I get to resent her a little better, a little deeper or maybe I just stay to give a reason to my resentment that was there all along, just suppressed.
So, points to self forgive for today
Resentment for having turned out like her
Resentment for the bottled up anger that I blame her for
Resentment because she is not the mother I wished I had
desire for another mother
Guilt for desiring another mother
Guilt for believing I am the cause of what she feels and of what she writes
Anger for what I feel and what I write that I blame on her
memory of the first time she shouted
Not feeling safe
Not trusting aywhere as a safe place

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the resentment for having accepted and allowed myself to turn out like my mother believing I had no choice and manifesting the fear of turning out like her
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the anger that I have allowed and accepted myself to bottle up regarding my mother
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the desire for another mother because this mother is not good enough for me, because when I hold on to this belief I am in separaion from my mother, me and my mother are One and Equal
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I would have done a better job than her because I am better than her instead of seeing I would have done exaclty the same job because both of us were preprogrammed to play out our antagonistic roles
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am better than my mother because I am not as attached to money as she is while I see I have been so attached o money that I came back looking for a free housing and so I am One and Equal to her
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am one and equal to the guilt I allowed and accepted myself to feel regarding desiring another mother because judged myself as disloyal
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the judgement of myself as disloyal
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe she is responsible for my feeling guilty when she maniuplates me into feeling guilty about the emotions and feelings she feels blaming them on me, instead I see that as she is not responsble for the emotions and feelings I participate with inside of me nor am I responsible for the emotions and feelings she participate with inside of herself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the anger that I feel when I allow myself to participate in power games with my mother because I realize I'm just feeding my ego and trying to diminish her ego, instead I flag this point for the future and when I see myself moving into attack I stop myself, breathe, bring myself Here and remind myself she is Life, One and Equal to me and everything that exists and I vowed to stop abusing and attacking Life no mater which reasons my ego gives me that say I'm right to go ahead and attack I will not
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the feeling of NOT being Safe, instead I see this is just a feeling of me as the Mind and I stop my participation within the feeling of not being safe
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I'm one and equal to the blame I have put on my mother for my 'not feeling safe'
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to "not trusting anywhere as a safe place" because of memories and past experiences I hold one and equal to me that I will look into in Sh so I can release them in SF
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I a the memory of a dark winter night walking out of school and hearing my mother screa for the first time in a way that scared the living hell out of me, instead I see I am not such memory, memories are of the mind and thus NOT real
I forgive myself for allowing myself to connect the thought of me coming out of school in a cold winter night and my mother screaming to feelings of petrifying fear that I have stored as generated by my mother instead of seeing that no feeling or emotion can be generated inside of me by anyone else but me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the petrifying fear I felt when I heard my mother scream and for allowing myself to connect her screaming voice to 'petrifying fear' because by holding on to this connection I allow and accept myself to move into petrifying fear each time she raises her voice and then I reply from this place of petrifying fear charged with emotions of me as the Mind and I cannot bring myself back Here in breath to assess the situation in Self Honesty
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that it is my mother's fault that I get scared when she raises her voice because of the abusive past I remember instead I allow myelf to see and realize that the fear I feel when she raises her voice has nothing to do with her but with what allow and accept within myself connected to memories that I have stored within my body
I forgive myself for allowing myself to blame my mother for the way I felt instead of realizing it's just my acceptances and allowances of feelings and emotions that make me feel feelings and emotions and it has nothing to do with my mother
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the desire of not forgiving my mother and myself One and Equal because in the past I have allowed and accepted within myself and haveallowed and accepted myself to speak the words "this is unforgivable'
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that some things are unforgivable because they are just plainly "wrong"
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that only things that are "right" can be forgiven but the things tha are wrong cannot be forgiven
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe in the polarity/morality of right and wrong regarding fogiveness and self forgiveness, while I see now that self forgiveness is absolute and therefor above the polarity of good and bad, self forgiveness 'takes it all ' :)
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the fear of self forgiveness because I fear changing into the unknown of me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I must fear the unknown One and Equal to Me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the fear of forgiving myself and others for fear of losing my personality that 'holds on to the unforgivable' in righteousness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I'm the righteousness of knowing righ from wrong, instead I now see righteousness is polarity base and anything that is polarity based is of me as the Mind thus Not real
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that it would be too dificult to let go of the patterns relative to my mother because they are too old and too fucked up, instead I see that Self Forgiveness operates Here in timelessness and therefore time, a mind concept of me as the mind, is irrelevant
I stand One and Equal, I breathe, I am Here, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical

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