Scott's Self-Forgiveness

scott
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Scott's Self-Forgiveness

Postby scott » 10 Jan 2012, 02:41

passive observation and avoidance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that existing as the ‘passive observer’ is the equivalent of blind conformity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ‘innocent bystander’ in this existence that believes itself ‘untouchable’ or oblivious to what is here as the consequences of inequality and self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive the self-created experience of being the passive observer as something inescapable or irreversible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in denial within the belief that restricting myself to the status of remaining silent as a way of projecting ‘innocence’ and the idea that abuse in any form is somehow not my problem when I participate in it by the act of remaining silent, wasting myself in the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and perceive myself as apparently unable to stop within and as a self-created experience, thereby ‘giving in’ and contributing to the delusion of escapism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the ‘innocent’ bystander in my secret mind, preoccupied with thoughts and self-image maintenance to stand up and expose these systems for what they are from my own points of cross-reference.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the perception of myself as apparently ‘blocked’ and ‘unable to speak’ as a justification for being the passive listener/’innocent’ bystander.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the perception and definition of myself as the passive listener as a sufficient way to exist in my world or ‘creep through’ this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to silently criticize another for demonstrating ‘willful ignorance’ when I am actually reacting to the reflection of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stepping up and walking through the brainwashing of being the bystander.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as apparently incapable and lacking in diligence to walk through the brainwashing of myself as the passive observer/’innocent’ bystander.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that the feeling of incompetence that I use to bind myself as the ‘innocent bystander’ is a self created experience limited to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that listening passively qualifies as ‘innocence.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that existing within the delusion of being an ‘innocent’ bystander makes me superior in any way toward another when I would only be disregarding myself as the other while blinding myself from here within the polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that existing as an ‘innocent’ bystander is a relationship in which there is a victim. I am one and equal to the ‘victim’ as well as the ‘abuser’ as a mental state of perceived separation from physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the self-created experience of uselessness as a justification for existing as the passive observer, in support of the belief that there is no ‘hope’ when hope doesn’t exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that the self-created image of myself as the passive observer is too ingrained to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that someone else will step in and solve the problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything will somehow sort itself out eventually, thus using this as the justification for being the passive observer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use self-consciousness as a justification for being the passive observer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be invisible or nonexistent, as if to separate or delete myself from the equation when this mindset is just another unavoidable form of participation wherein I allow myself to be inconsiderate of life as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress any notion of self-responsibility through the idea that there are too many people in this world and nothing I could possibly say would matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become addicted to the complacence of the self-created experience of ‘individual insignificance’ and uselessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the fact that ‘individual insignificance’ is a self-created mental experience in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and believe myself as apparently ‘too contained’ and suppressed within my mind to practically and effectively direct myself and bring all points back to self in a moment in order to act within my fullest potential beyond the point of passivity and avoidance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-created mental experiences and ideas/images of who I am to take precedence over physical reality, thus allowing nothing to get accomplished in any practical way that supports life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea that ‘everyone creates their own disposition’ as a means of separation to justify avoid standing up for anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea that ‘the current world system is too far gone to change’ as a justification to avoid moving myself beyond silent passivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as too fixated on the images of abuse in this world to direct myself beyond the experience of perceiving life as images and believing that I require ‘inspiration’ in order to move or speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the mental experience of ‘stage fright’ as a justification to avoid directing myself through the habit of inertia and passive observation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that directing myself through passive observation will somehow threaten my integrity, when there is nothing to lose but a false images of who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive a state of inertia as a separate and physical resistance that would somehow prevent me from stepping up and directing myself through the point of being the passive observer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that by placing myself as the passive observer I still remain as one and equal to all that I perceive as apparently separate from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep to myself even while realizing that practical application involves communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am too incompetent to direct myself through the mind-identity of passive listener.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as apparently unaffected and separate from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself so distracted within my mind within the justification of being the passive observer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contribute to the belief in fixed potential through my participation in this belief system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that being the passive observer is still typical capitalist mentality of standing for nothing but my own private delusions while failing to consider the outflows of this in physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let experiences of frustration and hatred to cloud out common sense and self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that passive observation is a mask that I’ve used to hide behind and justify secrecy in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive self-movement and self-direction as elusive concepts and to react to this with frustration while creating the experience of being apparently unable to understand something I already know but allow myself to suppress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that when I look at others I am seeing equals of myself, regardless of the mental judgment and imagined values based on images and concepts of human beings and how I apparently relate to them as a personality design.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disable myself through the apathy and complacence that follows passive observation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that silence and passivity is a virtue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too preoccupied with cultivating a personality behind a mask of passive observation to stand up to actual abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be preoccupied with projecting myself into a future moment of some other place I must be where the problems of others that I perceive in separation of myself are apparently not my own if I am a passive observer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be preoccupied with distrust toward other human beings which I had suppressed in my own

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that what is best for everyone as a whole is what is best for me as well, whereas collective self interest isn’t sustainable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my behavior patterns become so engrained that I experience myself as apparently unable to step out of it in order to stand up for anything beyond self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing beliefs and self-created experience to take precedence over common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing lies and gossip to go unanswered in my world as a passive observer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that passive observation is essentially a physical statement of indifference that perpetuates timeloops and self-limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the consensus attitude that someone else will direct themselves because I am apparently 'too cool to give a fuck.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot practically direct myself without tragedy to compel me out of passivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘stand back and watch,’ while oblivious to myself in the moment and allowing the system to take its course.



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Lindsay
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Re: Scott's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Lindsay » 10 Jan 2012, 07:27

Very cool statements Scott - thanks for sharing!



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Garbrielle
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Re: Scott's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Garbrielle » 10 Jan 2012, 08:03

thanks Scott- these are cool statements of change.



scott
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Re: Scott's Self-Forgiveness

Postby scott » 31 Mar 2012, 18:41

direct communication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive interacting with someone else in a moment as something that inevitably leads to self-deceit, which is a perception based on the conditioning of rehearsing the memory of previous mental reactions based on a related experience. Trust is accumulated within self-honest interaction, therefore no more 'reason' to exist as bound within distrust of myself and anything 'wrong' that I might potentially say, when anything that is exposed as a fallacy can be corrected in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive direct communication and self-honesty in a moment as something elusive and impossible, which is a perception based on the 'convenience' of inertia within being used to not voicing myself in the immediacy of physical interaction. The physical act of communicating is not the mental perception or projection of communication, so it's a matter of grounding myself without self-judgment that would create any preconception of ineptness in order to speak within self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to glorify the idea of myself as isolated while deliberately excluding myself from self-responsibility. I am the same person alone as I am in the company of others, so there is nothing to glorify, define, or 'bind' one way or the other as intro- or extro-version since these terms are not necessarily applicable within self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to memories of apparently not knowing what to say in a moment of interaction with another human being, as well as any conditioned reaction of frustration toward this. This has been an example of existing within the perception of myself based on distorted memories, which serve no purpose in immediate, direct, physical communication in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who apparently doesn’t enjoy talking, basing interaction on how I feel about it as it relates to my memory of past experiences and allowing reactions within myself to control me, thus allowing thought, feeling, memory and conditioning to dictate the starting point as well as outcome of communication. The solution involves physically directing myself in the moment within self-honesty rather than allowing myself to be directed by thought, feeling, emotion, memory and conditioning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate an idea and image of myself as reticent, keeping all my thoughts to myself or with apparently nothing to say in a moment, as a self-image that I kept in place through a cycle of reinforcement based partly on allowing myself to exist within self-judgment of how I participate in conversation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my ability to speak in a moment within the 'convenience' of remaining silent with whoever I’m interacting with in the moment, using the justification that whatever people have to say does not concern me and that remaining silent in passive observation is the apparent least worst way to exist. This is a matter of physically directing myself through this self-conditioning within the realization that self-responsibility implies correcting what I hear or see in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive, prejudge and define myself as inarticulate, and unable to translate common sense into conversation, which manifests as a state of inertia within conversation. Instead of sabotaging myself before I even begin based on the memory of apparent awkward moments of communication with people and the following reaction that I allowed or the projecting of this into future interactions, I redefine direct communication as a physical act entirely in the moment within self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate and exist within the reaction of frustration toward the idea or image of myself as inarticulate or failing to communicate clearly and effectively, rather than physically directing myself in the moment of interaction without any predictable reaction based on preconceived ideas of who I am or who I should be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on the aspect of speaking in the moment as a complex mental process that distracts me from the main points to be directed in common sense , so I embrace direct communication as a physical, unconditional, self-directed activity.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that speaking clearly and directly within physical communication is nothing like the idea that I have made of it within my mind that is based on rehearsed memories and future projected ideas of who I apparently cannot be in this reality as someone capable of direct, self-honest communication where I don't hesitate to make eye contact. So I direct myself physically through any ideas that I have of incompetency or self-conditioning based on memories of past 'mistakes.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as having a weak capacity to communicate directly, and I direct myself through this delusion made up of habits, tendencies, justifications, as well as perceptual biases and fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself within communication, rather than following through with the starting point of equalizing myself with myself as well as the other person and everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive another person’s interaction with me as something that I apparently don’t know how to participate in, when it is a matter of common sense and being honest with myself rather than perceiving it as a matter of ‘social skills.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to understand an entire science of manipulation regarded as ‘social skills’ in order to communicate efficiently when it is a matter of common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will never improve within communication or within expressing myself in a direct way, which is a matter of no longer trying to project some image of myself into the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive interaction with another person as something that I must be prepared for like an academic exam where I will be judged based on some set of criteria that I’m not aware of, which is basically the general fear of all forms of trivial nonsense that the mind can come up with in relation to the creation of an insecure self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive physical memory as a concept that is elusive and unattainable to me, when it isn’t something to retain like knowledge, as it is a physical act conditioned within self honest awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive my voice and choice of words as ugly, aimless, random and schizophrenic in comparison and contrast to what I have perceived in others as being apparently direct, linear, or eloquent. Within this I create a polarity within myself that implies that I’m just as capable of being clear, direct, aware and honest with myself as I have been at being dead silent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive words as something that I can only use by trying to meticulously piece them together in a moment like a jigsaw puzzle, as if fumbling around in the attempt to find the right pieces. That would imply some half-assed attempt to participate in a game of manipulation and self-deceit rather than interacting and speaking on the level that is grounded, honest, and physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on the perception of myself as disordered or dysfunctional, and judging myself within this in a perpetual loop where I am constantly distracted from the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be seen or heard through any form of presentation or chosen words, to hide from myself and reality and avoid participating in a system I am already equal to and that obviously must change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive talking as a waste of time, where I could be doing something else apparently more ‘constructive,’ when talking to another is something done in real time that is the best way to bring to the surface any and all points that must be directed in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate a virtual addiction to isolation in avoidance of other people, and when I stop this energetic addiction then I am able to communicate without the previous images I have had of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have nothing to say in a moment, and equating this with being nothing in a moment, when there is no lack of things that currently need to be addressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack trust in my choice of words to express what must be said, which has come from the starting point of assumption and comparison rather than self-awareness beyond the associations I have made of myself as a self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as impotent with words, where apparently nothing I could potentially say in a moment would express anything or have any relevance or clarity, and be interpreted as virtual nonsense within another's perceptual filters, so I bypass my mind's tendency to judge and speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to avoid or ignore any feedback I would receive for expressing myself in any way, whether it is approved of or not, which implies separation from others in my mind that is to be exposed through expressing who we are as essentially equals in one world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being misinterpreted and unclear, and having to repeat myself, when this is primarily a fear of judgment for not encapsulating every conceivable detail within a given set of words that will inevitably be misinterpreted by another due to our conditioning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the perception of myself as being incapable of speaking anything other than half sentences, monosyllables and sarcasm in a moment, which is a self-image conditioned and reinforced through reacting to any evidence I found that seemed to support it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within the perception of speaking in a moment as being under pressure, or interrogated, which is related to the experience of taking an exam where the feedback I would get would determine my survival in the system. Direct communication cannot be based on this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave any differently around other people as I do when I am alone, which is a matter of not allowing myself to be influenced or directed by the fear of judgment but rather direct words and activity in a way that is honest with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive communication as an idea and equate the perceived failure of it to violent thought and aggression, so rather than react to what has been said and done it’s a matter of self-honest direction within whatever the situation entails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in silence as a form of vindication toward my father, as well as toward anyone in a future projected sense based on the self-perpetuated fear of being prejudged, preserving my mind-directed self in a cycle of self-judgment. Instead, silence can be redefined as the state where I direct myself without allowing myself to be driven by such automated thought and behavior patterns, but I am aware of myself within the context of this current system and what needs to change within my lifetime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by remaining silent I cannot be blamed for anything, when I would actually be suppressing myself and preserving myself in a state of leaving everything unresolved instead of bringing it out into awareness for clarity and direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use silence as a form of manipulation within judgment of how others choose to speak, and within the belief that if I speak then I become a character just like those I’ve judged, so within this I let go of the conditioned perceptual tendency of defining myself and everyone else as a character in the system, wherein it’s apparently pointless to ‘play along.’ This is a matter of self-direction regardless of being aware that such perception plays out in the minds of many and doesn’t require my participation, even through silence which is how I had supported it within the perception that I was outside the boundaries of what I perceived as predictable behavior. So rather than participate in this as the passive observer, I delete the fear and judgment in order to do or say what must be said in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on silence as a manipulative mirror toward other people through not responding to them in their attempts to interact with me in the moment, wherein I suppress whatever points are presented to me within myself as if I don’t know how to respond to them. This is a matter of no longer existing in the past or future but exposing what is here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don’t know how to respond to people, when this is based on the belief that I must abide by a code of social skills rather than stopping myself within the moment to face the person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to exist as the opposite of someone whom I would perceive as having too much of nothing to say, thus supporting the polarity by being on the silent/safe end. I can work with whatever circumstances and expression a person presents, and within that begin to communicate on the same level.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use silence as a mask to suppress everything I have judged about myself, so I stop the judgment and write myself out as the silence protects nothing other than self-interest in delusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a timeloop of reaction and judgment toward my own conditioning, so I expose it for what it is in order to direct myself without the inhibition of being distracted by my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and prejudge anyone who wants to interact with me as a patronizer whom I believe wants to take anything that I share with them and use it against me somehow to my apparent ‘detriment,’ which is impossible when in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive remaining silent as a form of strength when by remaining in the habit of not speaking up I am suppressing myself and allowing our delusions to continue so I direct myself through the conditioned pattern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and define myself as inferior to anyone who is capable of speaking ‘eloquently’ within common sense, and perceiving this as something beyond my own capacity, when I am capable of interacting on the same ‘level,’ considering that within self-honesty there is neither inferiority nor superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive the responsibility of developing my capacity to articulate within common sense as something I apparently don’t know how to do when it is a matter of practice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive interacting with another person as something I need to prepare for like an exam, when it is a matter of exposing and directing what is in the moment of interaction within self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the way I speak, and to bind myself to silence within this judgment when my voice is the instrument I have to communicate with and my judgment of it serves no purpose other than self-suppression, so I allow myself to speak however perceivably ‘strange’ I might sound to myself or someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard sabotage as something I must do to myself before anyone else can do unto me, as if to immunize myself against it, when it is a pointless reaction that changes nothing in reality, so within clarity and recognition of this pattern I don’t allow myself to fixate on it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive speaking as a point of comparison of myself to other people, since such a tendency isn’t being honest with myself, so I regard myself as neither inferior nor superior to anyone with whom I’m interacting with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that in opening my mouth to speak, my mouth will be dry and my voice will sound awkward, and will distract from what I intend to communicate, so I speak regardless of whatever perceived impediment manifests.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back in a moment where I have something to say, and I continue with ‘I was going to say…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don’t know where to begin, how to follow through, or how to conclude anything that I could potentially say in a moment in a way that makes what I have said understandable and clear to whoever is listening. This is a matter of no longer trying to project the flow of speech into some format that is dictated by what is socially appropriate, but following through in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my capacity to speak clearly and directly is dependent on circumstances such as the person or environment, when it is a matter of seeing that whoever I’m talking to is the same as me regardless of conditioning or expression and that there is nothing that I might perceive as separate from myself that holds any influence over me.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I’ve been using the idea of being an awkward conversationalist to suppress myself within speaking and to avoid other people within an addiction to who I am as an isolated self image, then to carry this over into physical reality. I embrace myself however I am projected within the mind’s tendency to judge, which is irrelevant within self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up within communication, when giving up is based on trying to use communication as a form of self manipulation and finding that it’s pointless, when direct communication doesn’t require the same energetic expenditure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to express myself or of apparently being too senile to put words together in order to convey anything directly with any clarity, when this fear is related again to failing within self-manipulation, whereas any form of senility would seem much less likely within self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the experience of aggression that I generate within myself as the reaction toward the idea of myself as unable to communicate effectively, when reacting toward the failure of self-manipulation is pointless whereas direct communication in self honesty without judgment is common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as hollow or empty, and to suppress myself within the attempted embrace of an idea of myself, whereas within self honesty communication is no longer reliant on the energetic cycle of manipulation, judgment, projection, and reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as having an aversion to ‘social experiences,’ when I am the one that creates the experiences in an attempt to manipulate myself to conform to the system, whereas in self honesty there is no such aversion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the self-created experience of self-loathing as a reflex toward social experiences, whereas within self honesty the experience of self-loathing is seen clearly for what it is, as an experience that I created along with any mental reflex within a perceived social experience. I am the same alone as I am when I am in the company of others, therefore the experience is self-created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to avoid the reflection of myself as other human beings, when the ‘reflection’ is an opportunity to expose things within myself that I would otherwise remain unaware of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘disordered’ according to any system definition or social stigma, when such perceived disorder is what exists in this world as separation and is not as unique to me as I have perceived, but is something that I can use to understand myself and my relationship to my environment and the world without regarding it as something that it isn’t within reality.



scott
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Re: Scott's Self-Forgiveness

Postby scott » 17 Apr 2012, 16:28

1 - perfectionism

In the past months I've been into the delusion of perfectionism where if I couldn’t communicate something as comprehensive as possible in one presentation then I would rather not even bother. It’s usually taken a while to write something that would seem relatively clear and comprehensive, and consistent posting is one way to begin to force myself beyond this familiar pattern. There is plenty to be said, obviously, so I can't afford to remain in the familiar pattern based on the belief that I never know what to say or when to say it, as if it were a matter of knowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the reaction of self-hatred within not being as clear, direct and comprehensive as I want to be in the moment, while projecting this idea of myself with the intention to become actualized within that projection, using this to bind myself to the pattern of avoidance. Instead of indulging in the disappointment of not being able to suit up to the desired projection, I embrace who I am within the current capacity to communicate more directly than I ever could while struggling to project myself in such a way.




2 - liberation

This morning I ran through an area of town that I’ve never been before, and it was a lot of fun to explore a new environment in the dark while getting drenched in the rain. One of the points that came to the surface was that of the mental experience of ‘liberation,’ which was created through a combination of endorphins, physical movement, the cool landscape, the early hour, the insects, the dark and the rain. It has been an experience that I reserve as a moment where I feel ‘relatively free,’ implying that I otherwise experience myself as generally ‘bound’ within myself within the limitations of this system. Yet, having the sufficient capacity and facility to able to run is practically an elitist privilege in the context of how human beings can experience themselves in their own current disposition in this world. Anyone should be able to enjoy this if they wanted to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define liberation in terms of self-interest and relative disposition, instead of understanding the difference between enjoying myself and suppressing myself within a self-created experience. While no one is ‘free’ unless all are, ‘liberation’ as an idea and endorphin-based experience is meaningless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate being inside a building all day with being ‘bound,’ while many don’t even have a roof over their head, or are otherwise locked up in ‘maximum security’ for being the apparent ‘rejects’ of an abusive system that I participate in. So I take advantage of my own disposition in terms of what is available in order to move through any self-created experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cloud out subtlety through suppressing myself within the creation of an experience within my mind. I remain aware of the reality of myself here as well as the thoughts that cross my mind in order to be specific within self-direction.




3 - reciprocation and detachment

The tendency to remain silent has been a delayed response when I'm listening or reading, then trying to reciprocate with something clear and coherent usually seems like something I’m pressured into, and the result would often be an inaccurate choice of words or what my mind calls nonsense. The experience is of being constantly fed up with this pattern in writing along with as speaking, as well as the entire feedback cycle in relation to this point, and I would use it as a reinforcement and justification for remaining silent.

Being apparently unable to reciprocate in certain moments when it seems appropriate has been a perceived impediment along with the experience of detachment. In noticing the suppression and detachment within myself I want to be the first to criticize myself as if to deprive anyone else of the ‘right’ to do the same. I notice that I’m basically expecting to be misinterpreted through choice of words and overall expression, including silence, bracing and suppressing myself through the maintenance of the whole cycle, while fixating on the perception of it as a problem that I apparently can’t solve, which is essentially trying to limit communication based on the pattern formed from past memories and experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in not knowing where to begin to respond to what I experience, when I am the conversation that I am reading or hearing, and what comes to mind in the moment is my participation to be directed in common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted from reality by the experience of it, rather than seeing things as they are and speaking when there is something I have to say, rather than giving in to an experience of pressure to speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be misinterpreted for being silent, when this is something I obviously have no control over unless I were to manipulate them into interpreting it as something other than what it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself according to my current level of self-suppression and detachment to reality when it is basically the point of the entire process, so I can only begin with myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being too detached to reciprocate or respond in a way that is appropriate for the specific points that are addressed. I see the experience of pressure for what it is, and I use breathing as the focal point rather than forcing nonsense out of myself in order to fill the apparent blank of expectation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that an experience of emotional detachment implies impotence as a participant in this reality, which is based on comparison and self-experience, when we are equal in the same basic disposition.

I continue and follow through with developing within direct communication without fixation on the mind experience of reality or the belief that I need to prove myself to anyone.



Marlen
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Re: Scott's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Marlen » 18 Apr 2012, 17:51

Hi Scott, I'll give some perspective in relation to the points you've walked here and focusing on the last one" reciprocation and detachment"

I realize that my understanding of reciprocate/ reciprocity is based on a ‘giving and receiving’ agreement – “giving to others what you would like for yourself” is reciprocity, similar to a symbiotic relationship. From the dictionary:
  • reciprocity
     noun the practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit.
  • reciprocal:
    1 given, felt, or done in return.
    2 (of an agreement or arrangement) bearing on or binding two parties equally.
    3 Grammar (of a pronoun or verb) expressing mutual action or relationship.
  • reciprocate
     verb
    1 respond to (a gesture or action) with a corresponding one. return (love, affection, etc.) to someone who gives it.
    Some suggestions for Self Forgiveness taken from the writing itself.
The tendency to remain silent has been a delayed response when I'm listening or reading, then trying to reciprocate with something clear and coherent usually seems like something I’m pressured into, and the result would often be an inaccurate choice of words or what my mind calls nonsense.
What I suggest is beginning with seeing what Self Forgiveness can be applied in order to see the value of giving/ doing something in return ‘to another’ as something that is applied with such pressure. By taking the point back to self, you can look at how am I able to first establish a point of self-agreement wherein I am able to give to myself that which I believe that I first must reciprocate to another. What I can see is that, if we create an experience of wanting to give something in return while not having a clear starting point of having established the ability to first give it to yourself, reciprocity will be forced and not ‘real’ as it is virtually non existent from you toward you first.

So, how I can take the point through self forgiveness from the words you have written here is:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief on how I must reply to another while listening or reading and feeling/ experiencing myself as ‘being pressured into it,’ without realizing that I am the only one that is creating such pressure by having created an ideal standard of how I want to reciprocate others based on what I hear/ read. I realize that I must first take the necessary steps to see How I have lived reciprocity toward myself as the self-agreement that I am here to establish wherein, by doing so, I am able to extend the same reciprocity toward others as I will have established for myself first the necessary self-communication wherein I use words to disentangle myself from my mind, and direct me out of the ‘ideal’ of ‘how I must reciprocate’ and instead, hear and read unconditionally without automatically participating in the idea that I have to ‘reciprocate’ which is where I am setting my own ‘standard’ of ‘how I must reply,’ and if I don’t ‘reach’ such standard, I judge myself and my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘pressure’ when communicating, when reading and interacting with others in my reality wherein I am existing in the predisposition of ‘having to reciprocate’ according to the standards that I have sent for myself, wherein if I don’t ‘meet’ such standards, I judge my choice of words and expression within the belief that I cannot place into words the actual common sense that I see I am able and capable of replying-with if there is a point to share, exchange and add-to as self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a standard as a belief-system of ‘how I must always reciprocate’ within the belief of having to be ‘clear and coherent,’ without realizing that if I still judge my expression as nonsensical/ scattered/ inaccurate choice of words, I am still having a starting point of believing that no matter what I say, it will be ‘inaccurate’ in the moment. Thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expression according to suiting a particular ideal of expression being coherent and clear, without first allowing me to forgive myself for having accepted and allowed to judge words as who I am, wherein I am trying to reach a certain ‘ideal’ in my mind, instead of first walking the point of establishing unconditional expression of myself here, as words, without the initial condition of it having to be ‘clear’ and ‘coherent.’ I realize that writing is an exercise in itself that will enable me to establish such clarity and coherence without me trying to ‘achieve it’ as something separate from myself. I allow myself to direct myself as words, becoming aware of the words that I speak wherein I can communicate and express in a simple form without creating an over-wrought idea of ‘how it must be.’

I realize that having participated in an extended application of self-judgment toward my words has created an actual physical experience of ‘feeling’ inaccurate with communication, which is then a point that I realize I am able to direct myself to establish by not wanting to first ‘meet a standard’ of ‘how it must be.’ I let go of prefabricated ideas I have created and imprinted onto words as myself, words within communication wherein I instead allow myself to learn from scratch, to become aware of what each word is implying as I write for myself how I am willing to live and direct my life from here on.


The experience is of being constantly fed up with this pattern in writing along with as speaking, as well as the entire feedback cycle in relation to this point, and I would use it as a reinforcement and justification for remaining silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience such as constantly being fed up with a pattern as an ‘inability to write/ communicate’ without realizing how I can only create such experience with words and participation in my mind that I can instead direct through self-forgiveness on the exact points that I am seeing and realizing I am judging ‘by default’ as a pre-existent condition I have created unto writing and speaking. I allow myself to open up the experience of ‘being fed up’ as a constant self-experience that can only be created by myself through an accumulation of backchat as self-judgment toward my words based on how I have compared my expression to an ‘ideal’ that I try to ‘meet,’ without first establishing for myself that ability to write without judging my expression as in wanting to meet a certain ‘standard’ and going into self-sabotage the moment that I Belief that I am unable and incapable of being coherent and clear within my communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘fed up’ with having feedback upon what I write and say from the starting point of fearing to be judged, without realizing that I am and have been the only one that has created such cycle of self-judgment toward my own expression, without realizing that resisting to read/ hear others’ perspectives is in fact a mechanism that I am using in order to not have the self-created judgment I have imprinted toward myself and my expression. I realize that no one is able to judge myself other than myself - therefore, I stop projecting onto others that which I see I can commit myself to stop, which is the participation in self-judgment toward myself as my words, my expression, my beingness in any moment. I allow myself to hear, read and get feedback as a way to support myself to walk out of my ego and into a physical reality wherein any judgment has no place to ‘exist in’ other than in my own mind.

I commit myself to stop myself from judging my expression as words within the terms of being inaccurate and nonsensical, and instead direct me to write unconditionally from a starting point of supporting me to first stop these preconceived ideas of How I must communicate and/or convey a message, within the realization that I can only free myself from such constrain of trying to fit into an idea of how to reply and reciprocate to others if I allow myself to first give myself the opportunity to let go of the standards I’ve set for myself that I realize, takes actual time and space and practice to establish myself as writing myself to freedom, as righting myself to be unconditional within my own expression and letting go of meeting certain standards at this stage.

I commit myself to establish myself as comfortable while writing and speaking as myself, which implies that I accept and allow myself to see how I have created any discomfort with myself through my own words. Thus I direct myself to become aware of how a single words as a belief of ‘how my expression is’ can in fact create an entire experience of myself toward writing/ communicating. Thus, I walk the necessary process to dig further and investigate to the core of each word that I have accepted and allowed to judge my expression as words with.

I commit myself to allow me to get to know ‘who I am’ within the words that I express myself as, I realize that I am able to change and give myself a direction that stands within the context of what’s best for all, wherein simplicity is the key to let go of any overwrought and ideals upon my own expression.


Being apparently unable to reciprocate in certain moments when it seems appropriate has been a perceived impediment along with the experience of detachment. In noticing the suppression and detachment within myself I want to be the first to criticize myself as if to deprive anyone else of the ‘right’ to do the same.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I have a certain ‘impediment’ that prevents me from being able to communicate and express myself in the moment, even when realizing that I am able and capable of seeing that I am in fact able to give/ share a perspective in common sense, that is self-supportive without having to create an initial self-judgment to ‘choice of words,’ which is then how I have capped my expression as in giving ‘value’ to the words I speak – I allow myself to investigate the values I have imprinted onto ‘expression’ in itself as accuracy, coherency and clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the belief that ‘I must reciprocate’ as an act of mutual benefit wherein I realize that I cannot do so if I haven’t first established a self-reciprocity wherein I support me to stop receiving from myself an automated judgment implemented onto the words that I speak as myself. I realize that I create myself as words – therefore, I am able and capable of investigating the words that I see hold a certain ‘value’ as an aura of specialness that I have desired myself to equalize myself to, without first taking the steps of taking each word that I have deemed as a limitation within myself and opening it up to see the values I have created and placed in separation of myself. I see and realize that the moment that I can clarify for myself the starting point as self-supportive within writing and communicating, any judgment that may still come through such process of self-support must be scrutinized to stop the judgments toward my own self-supportive writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘detachment’ which can only exist when I am in my mind trying to defend myself from having to face the truth and reality that I have become, wherein it is safer to ‘detach’ than to engage and actively participate to debunk my own fortress of words as experiences that I see and realize I have created for myself, in separation of ‘who I am’ as the living word – this implies that I must investigate ‘detachment’ as a way to not face myself as my mind, as my own words and see what caused me to create a mind-experience of detachment, without realizing that in this physical reality, I cannot be ‘detached’ from anything as all is here as myself. Thus I investigate the mechanisms that lead me to create ‘detachment’ as a way to believe that I can be separate from the consequence and reality of this world that is myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to exist within a self-righteous act of first being able to judge/ criticize myself before others/ someone else does it, without realizing that such judgment can only exist within me and that taking the vantage point of judging myself first is stemming from a belief that anyone can judge myself and have ‘power over me’ while doing so. I see and realize the self-righteousness that I have allowed myself to exist as when it comes to defending my own self-limitation, which is certainly not acceptable and I realize I can stop in order to become humble as in grounding myself to walk a process of self support, wherein any feedback and interactions within my every day living are points that I am able to gift to myself as opportunities to face myself and correct myself within the consideration and principle of what is best for all as equals, as I realize that existing in perpetual self-judgment is only remaining bound to a singled-I perspective of myself as my mind, wherein I am not in fact taking myself into consideration as the realization of who and what I am exists as a physical body that doesn’t require to be judged in order to exist.
I notice that I’m basically expecting to be misinterpreted through choice of words and overall expression, including silence, bracing and suppressing myself through the maintenance of the whole cycle, while fixating on the perception of it as a problem that I apparently can’t solve, which is essentially trying to limit communication based on the pattern formed from past memories and experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a future projection of expecting to be misinterpreted while communicating/ interacting with others due to how I have allowed myself to judge my own expression, choice of words which is a self-sabotage mechanism wherein remaining silent is a way to keep myself ‘safe’ from being able to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as a fortress that I have built throughout space and time as ‘who I am.’ Thus, I realize that it will take space and time and specificity to dedicate myself to deconstruct the fortress that I have built toward myself and my own expression as the ability to replace such bricks of self-recrimination, self-judgment and self-sabotage with bricks as the input of self-support, self-acceptance and self-direction that I am able to give to myself in every moment that I stop from participating in the usual patterns of self-judgment in my mind toward myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of communication and interaction a moment and event wherein I have to be in a defend myself from ‘being judged by others,’ without realizing that such judgment is stemming from myself only, thus projecting it onto others as a belief that what I see within myself as judgments is ‘who I am’ – I realize that it is my responsibility for having allowed myself to be affected by the words that others may say or think about me , and that I can only participate in such cycles of judgment within the belief that who I am can be ‘judged by others’ which can only happen if I allow such judgment to exist within me first.

I commit myself to take responsibility to not project onto others that which I have judged within my self – I realize that this is able to be walked as I walk myself out of any inkling of judgment that I have created toward myself as the expression and choice of words, which I realize I am the directive principle of in every moment that I am able to stop any point of self-judgment, apply self forgiveness for it and give it a new input/ direction that will stand as a constructive direction that I realize I am able and capable of giving myself to in every moment that I am here as breath, directing myself and not being directed by my own mind, which is the epitome of imitation. I equalize myself as self-direction in order to direct my mind a myself within the starting point of what’s best for all to express and live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create words as problems as experiences within me that I realize I have created through the accumulation of participating in my mind as fears, judgments and any other limitation wherein I then believe that such words that I have adopted as ‘who I am’ are in fact a ‘reality’ of myself, without realizing how I created such ‘problems’ for myself by my direct participation in allowing me to be diminished, judged, criticized and limit myself by becoming words that are not supportive to live. Thus I realize that I can direct myself to stop the fixation of a problem and instead, fixing it by taking the necessary steps of self-correction which will require me going into the core of the words that I see I am living as a ‘problem’ and walking the necessary process to disengage from such limitation while giving myself practical direction to support myself as one and equal, as the ability to express without any limitation created in my own mind.
I realize that I am the only one that is able to solve the experiences that I have defined as an impediment or a problem within myself, as I realize that I created them in the first place. I take self responsibility to correct the patterns that I have allowed myself to limit myself with, wherein I become the directive principle of the life that I am here writing in order to structure myself to live the words that are self-supportive for myself – in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take memories and experiences of the past as a precondition to any given moment that I am able to communicate, wherein I am then sabotaging my stance according to How I experienced myself in moments of communicating in the past as memories that I have kept ‘as who I am’ which have only limited myself to remain bound to an ‘idea’ of ‘who I am while communicating.’ Thus, I direct myself to open up and disclose for myself all the experiences that I’ve held and kept as myself in similar situations to unconditionally let go of all limitations that I have created as an inability to communicate/ interact/ reply in a moment of interaction, wherein I see that reciprocity can only exist while and when I have in fact established myself as the self-agreement of support to make sure I stop all judgments as ‘who I am’ and commit myself to root out the embedded beliefs of limitation that are only existent as words that I have allowed myself to create as the idea of ‘who I am.’

I commit myself to investigate the words that I have created myself as within the terms of self-limitation and self-judgment toward myself, as I see and realize that it is within the memories and the past that I have kept as ‘who I am’ that all the keys to ‘what I am’ now exist. Thus, I direct myself to dig into the words I’ve lived as self-limitation and self-judgment in order to understand how I am responsible for my own experience and how I am able to give myself proper direction to stand one and equal to the words I speak which means, scripting myself to live words that are self-supportive within the consideration of what’s best for all.

I realize that any experience that I have created toward ‘others’ in the moment of communication is only my own reflection and mirror of who I am within and as my mind, which is then what I work with instead of believe that I can be judged by others without my consent to do so. I realize that in order for me to establish a process of self-agreement of self-support, I have to let go of defending myself as my mind and arguing for my limitations, which is simply an indication that the moment that I see such limitations coming up, I am able to Stop, breathe and find the practical direct-solution to such limiting judgment and direct myself in the moment that the thought arrives to investigate how I have accepted and allowed myself to become such word I speak/ write/ communicate as ‘who I am.’

I commit myself to investigate myself as the words that I speak, to become specific in scripting myself to give myself practical and tangible solutions to every point that I see I have diminished myself to – therefore it is a process of self-support wherein I walk self-forgiveness to expose the patterns that I have lived as fears, limitations, judgments that tamper my ability to express – and direct myself to give a proper input once that the ‘old’ is self-forgiven. I realize that I must do this in order to not let the points only be ‘exposed’ yet without having any proper direction, as that is equal to empty statements that are ‘gone with the wind’ as the mind will only be temporarily ‘exposed’ but not given full correction, which gives space for the same pattern to re-emerge. Thus I commit myself to give myself practical corrections that I see and realize I can live and apply in the immediacy of the context and events wherein I identify I experience such judgments and suppressions.

I let go of the idea of my writings having to be done in a perfect manner, I allow myself to see that perfection is not built and created ‘overnight’ as it has taken us time and space within an existential process of having detached from such perfection by our own acceptance and allowance of separation form ourselves as our own mind. I see and realize that the experiences that I am facing at the moment are the direct result of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become in separation of ‘who I am’ as life. Life is at this moment for myself being able to express, communicate, interact and participate in my physical reality without limitations and self-imposed boundaries, which is then structuring myself to establish a world as words of self-support that I vow myself establish as ‘who I am’ through physically stopping and correcting/ directing the patterns that I have limited and reduced myself to within my mind. I allow myself to expand my ability to express without holding any preconceived idea of ‘how’ and ‘who’ I must be while doing so, I allow myself to give myself that moment of innocence to recognize my own creation and correct it for one’s own experience and for all in equality.


Now, on the following Self Forgiveness statement:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be misinterpreted for being silent, when this is something I obviously have no control over unless I were to manipulate them into interpreting it as something other than what it is.
See how this is a projection thus, you can word it as: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own belief and/or fear of being misinterpreted for being silent, when this is something that I can only allow myself to exist as if I have judged my own silence as a mechanism to suppress my ability to communicate and interact in any given moment.

The word that popped up is 'having control over' how others perceive you, which you can investigate further to see how that can be another point to consider and take self-responsibility for in order to establish how any word as judgment can only affect you if you allow it within yourself.

So, a cool point is to see how you have identified the mechanisms already, what is required is to open up each word to see how you have lived it - thus how you can correct it in your practical living reality.

If there's further feedback, share it without any hesitation. : D

Thanks for sharing




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