Day 152 “TRYING to communicate with girls” character
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to communicate with other people I do not know, because within my mind a lot of thoughts, imaginations, backchat goes on, planning and adjusting and aligning myself according to a personality that I will access and become within that moment, through which I use a energy feeling I have in the moment as a reference to how effective I would be within becoming that particular personality in a moment, in terms of how effective I’ll be in impressing the other which I do not yet know very well or don’t know at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must act and speak and behave in a certain way, like always smiling and being nice, within that not realizing that within most moments I am being totally unnatural in my expression because I am smiling and behaving nice due to FEAR that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always smile when someone talks to me because I don’t know what else to do because this is how I have always responded to others, always with a smile or laughter.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that most of my smiles and laughter are fake and done due to Fear of not being accepted, and within the smiling and laughter I try to avoid the fear of being judged or disliked and victimized by the other.
Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am within and through my smiling and laughing trying to impress others and convince them to like and accept me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have this image of myself and my body on my mind, no matter where I go and what I do, and when I for example communicate with others and for example laugh, immediately have this image of my body pop up within my mind, where I see myself and my behavior, my body and the way it all looks in detail, exaggerated with all the details/points I feel self-conscious about and fear being judged for.
When I communicate with others, or am just in others surroundings, I experience a numbness and heaviness within my face, my jaw tenses and it feels like my face is sagging, like stretching down to the earth, a downward pressure and I feel like lifeless. And when I communicate with others, especially girls/females.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to and as what goes on within my mind in a moment, like for example a feeling, thought, backchat, image, fantasy etc. that I have within a moment, immediately and automatically accepting it as myself, instead of remaining here breathing, seeing, realizing and understand that I do not know what it really is, where it comes from and how I created it in the first place in Detail, and before I understand these points, I cannot blindly believe it and accept myself as it.
I’m going nowhere with this self-forgiveness, it’s scattered all over the place. Let me instead have a look at the main character that is behind this, to walk the entire point more structurally and specifically.
According to todays events the one character that I immediately see is: “TRYING to communicate with girls” character.
So, let’s investigate this character:
“TRYING to communicate with girls” character
Note: The emphasis here is on the word “TRYING” instead of just DOING it like I do it with guys/males.
A picture of me in front of the girl, but I am like a statue, can’t find anything to talk about with her.
A picture of me in an environment and the background is greyed out and I am in color, like time stands still and I am feeling pressured to find something appropriate to talk about with the girl but can’t find it. Like time is running out and I have to find something before it runs out.
A picture of me starting to communicate with the girl but begin to stutter and make a fool out of myself. Like in the picture really seeing myself in this clown costume, to be a clown spotlighted when I stutter or make anything ‘wrong’ in my eyes during the communication with the girl.
“It feels unreal to ask her this”
“I feel so unreal communicating with her”
“Oh god, did I say something wrong, she didn’t smile or laugh, I knew it, it felt unreal in the first place”
“What can I ask her? Why can’t I think of something good to ask her!?”
“I can’t ask her what she did yesterday, that’s nothing special, I must think of something better”
“If I ask her this or say this to her, I think I will appeal to her”
“Oh god, I was wrong, she didn’t react the way I expected and wanted her to react in order to feel secure about myself, now I feel insecure about any further communication, I might just make it even worse. Let’s just put on a serious expression and walk away before I make things even worse and make myself unpopular”
“I don’t Feel like asking this question or saying this to her is right, I must find something to ask her or say to her where I Feel that it is the Right thing to ask or say”
“I must choose my words carefully so that she doesn’t think that I am weird for asking a particular question or saying a particular thing”
“I must not fuck up my impression on her through saying the wrong things, so I must choose my words and questions carefully”
“I’m so afraid to ask her this or say this to her, should I do it or not..?.. I don’t Feel like it will make her smile or laugh [appeal to her]”
“If she smiles or laughs it means I said something good and appealed to her and if she doesn’t it means I said something wrong and inappropriate”
“I hope I make her smile or laugh when I say this to her or ask her this question, if she doesn’t I’m screwed”
I see that I feel self conscious about the words I speak. I feel self conscious about asking questions and giving answers, sharing my view of reality or something.
Lol, more dimensions now opened up of the self-consciousness point. I thought self-consciousness only to be related to my physical-appearance, now I see and understand that it is much more then just that. It is all encompassing. Appearance, Communication, Movement, Behavior, Laughter, The words I speak, The questions I ask, Making mistakes, Stuttering, Talking to slow or talking to fast, The way I move, the clothes I wear, how how I feel shows within my face, my body and behavior, like for example, being self-conscious that if I am anxious or sad it shows in my physical body, like in my face and in my behavior, and so on and so on, it’s quite All encompassing and not just limited to physical appearance like I believed and defined it t be. (note: like I really feel like spotlighted when I ask questions and speak. Having the Thought/Image in my mind being in the spotlight and all my mistakes, like stuttering or something, being spotlightet immediately. Lol.)
Feelings and Emotions:
My face feels like pulling down, a downward pressure. Feels like my eyes are sucked into themselves.
In my mouth corners it feel like a downward pressure.
Feels like my heart stops
Difficulty breathing/Shallow breaths