Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

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Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 90 “Perfect Body”-Image as God: “I must look perfect”-Character continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body within/as it’s manifestation/form/design/appearance for ‘making me’ ‘Who’ I am as all the negative aspects/characteristics I see of/within/as myself — thinking and believing that because my physical-body isn’t ‘perfect’ in the way as I want/desire it to be based on the ‘Perfect Body’-Image that I have created within my mind through which I hope, think and believe that I will become this ‘Super Being’ that can live a fulfilled life as I’ve always wanted and desired and dreamed to have and be able to live — instead of realizing that in my blame I am implying that my physical body in/as it’s design/form/manifestation/appearance shapes and determines Who I am and what type of life I can have an live, in that limiting my expression of myself to the rules I set up based on the judgement of myself/my body in relation to/based on it’s design/form/manifestation/appearance — so that if I judge myself/my body as ugly/not good enough/imperfect/in derogation from the ‘Perfect Body’-Image that I created within my mind — then I am apparently not able to have a fulfilling life and do/live what I would like to do and live as — and if I would have my body manifested exactly as this ‘Perfect Body’-Image that I have created within my mind — then I would have the fulfilling life as I would be able to do and live the things I enjoy and would like to do and live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am judging myself/my body as ‘ugly’ because it’s not ‘perfect’ because it’s in derogation from the ‘Perfect Body’-Image that I have created within my mind, that holds the very ‘perfect life’ of which I have always dreamed and desired to have within itself, and that I will never be satisfied with my looks/appearance/body and will always judge me/my body as ‘ugly’ if it’s but even slightly in derogation from the ‘Perfect Body’-Image in my mind. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase a ‘perfect’ body based on my definition of ‘perfection’/’perfect body’ that I have created as an Image in my mind of how I perceive/believe I must look like in-order to have the ‘perfect life’ of my dreams and every time I notice that my body isn’t in that ‘perfection’ of the ‘Perfect Body’-Image in/of my mind – I judge myself/my body as ‘ugly’. In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my life as the life I can have — to my bodily manifestation/form/appearance, so that the bodily design/manifestation/form/appearance decides my life/what life I can have and live and Who I can be — instead of realizing that I am the one that DECIDE and that in that I have DECIDED that my bodily form/design/manifestation/appearance decides my life as what ‘type’ of life I can have/live and Who I am.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide that my bodily design/manifestation/form/appearance decides that I cannot express myself unconditionally in the way that I like and want and that I cannot communicate, interact, get to know and form relationships with others/girls/females — and that I must have the ‘Perfect Body’ as I drew it within my mind through television/advertisements of guys that were surrounded by females and guys who had sex, where I interpreted the guys physical-body appearance as the ‘requirement’/criteria that must be ‘met’ to ‘get’ females and have/experience sex, so that I now strife to ‘perfect’ my body in the sense of materializing/manifesting my body into and as that ‘Perfect Body’-Image of/in my mind and judge ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING and EVERYTHING on/of myself/my body that is in any way in derogation from that ‘Perfect Body’-Image of/in my mind, because I have convinced myself that I must be/have that ‘Perfect Body’ like the guys have in television, advertisements, series, movies, music videos, porn and magazines in-order to ‘get’ girls/females and be able to ‘form relationships’ with others/girls/females and generally be accepted by the world/society/girls/females.

I forgive myself within that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself/my body through various forms of abuse, in the attempt to force it violently to conform to my desires as the desire/obsession to materialize/manifest my body into and as that ‘Perfect Body’-Image that I have created and become obsessed with within my mind through observing guys/males and their relationship to girls/woman/females on television, movies, series, porn, music-videos and magazines, where I saw that the guys/males who had a specific certain body-type/appearance/image would ‘get’/have the most girls/woman/females be with and interact with them on their own, so that I through that interpreted that a certain body-image, like these guys/males had on television/advertisements is a requirement/criteria to ‘get’ girls/woman/females and form relationships with them and that as long as myself/my body isn’t ‘perfect’ as those guys/males bodies — I will not get/have/be able to form relationships and get to know and have others/girls/woman/females like/accept me and in that judge myself/my body in the most abusive ways for any ‘imperfection’/derogation from that ‘Perfect Body’-Image within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and convince myself of that if I/my body is in any way ‘imperfect’/in derogation from the physical-bodies of ‘perfection’ I see/saw on television, movies, series, music-videos, porn, advertisements and magazines — that I am/my body is then ‘not good enough’ and unworthy of acceptance, neither my own acceptance nor that of others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define my body as ‘imperfect’ because it’s in derogation from the ‘Perfect Body’-Image that I created in my mind based on my interpretations of the observations I made from guys/males in their interaction/relationships with girls/woman/females on television, movies, series, music-videos, porn, advertisements and magazines — where I observed that guys/males with certain specific body-type/features would be surrounded by most girls/woman/females and in that convinced myself that that specific body-type/features like these guys/males had is the criteria/requirement to be able to form relationships with girls/woman/females and that as long as I as my body isn’t ‘perfect’ as those guys/males bodies that I will be rejected by others/girls/woman/females no matter what — so that I have created a fear/anxiety to ‘approach’ and ‘communicate’ with and ’get to know’ and ‘introduce myself to’ and ‘express myself with’ others/girls/woman/females because my body isn’t ‘perfect’ as that ‘Perfect Body’-Image I have within my mind because I have convinced myself that I will be rejected because I/my body isn’t ‘perfect’
as those bodies on television, movies, series, music-videos, porn, advertisements and magazines, because I reject myself/my body because of my/it’s ‘imperfection’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I am/my Body isn’t ‘perfect’ that I will be rejected by others/girls/woman/females no matter what, instead of realizing that it’s a fear/anxiety that I have created within me myself through/by convincing myself that I/my body must be ‘perfect’ in the sense of looking like the bodies of the guys/males on television, movies, series, music-videos, porn, advertisements and magazines — because of my observations that such guys/males who have a certain specific body-type/features would be surrounded by most girls/woman/females and the girls/woman/females would react in ‘desiring’/’wanting‘/’cherishing’ and ‘pleasing’ ways towards such guys/males on television, movies, series, music-videos, porn, advertisements and magazines, so that I in that made the connection between these guys/males body/body-image towards the ‘ability’ to form relationships with others/girls/woman/females and have/experience sex — instead of realizing that it’s all an ACT: Characters that would ACT for profit/making money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my body as it is — IS perfect in it’s design/manifestation and expression as it is doing a pretty good job of keeping me alive, and has done so for more then 21 years, so obviously the body know what it does and does it absolutely perfect since it has not missed even one heart-beat and breath/oxygen-delivery/oxygen-distribution in those 21 years because I am still here and still breathing and my heart still beating and the blood still pumping/flowing through my veins and the blood still transporting the substances I need for survival in this physical existence throughout the body — and that my judgment of myself/my body as ‘imperfect’ comes/stems merely from my comparison/competition with other bodies where I see my body as ‘imperfect’ just because it is in derogation from the ‘Perfect Body’-Image I created within my mind that I attempt to become/manifest/materialize my body into and as, since I convinced myself that this is the body I must have to have a fulfilling life and be able to form relationships with others/girls/woman/females and have/experience sex — due to the connection I made from observing guys/males in their relationship/response/interaction with girls/woman/females on television, movies, series, porn, music-videos, advertisements and magazines — where I observed that guys/males with a certain specific body/body-image would be surrounded by most and the most beautiful girls/woman/females and the girls/woman/females would react/respond in a ‘desiring’/’wanting‘/’cherishing’ and ‘pleasing’ way towards those guys/males on television, movies, series, music-videos, porn, advertisements and magazines — so that I made the connection from those guys/males body/body-image to/towards the ‘ability’ to form relationships with others/girls/woman/females and have/experience sex; so that in that I have become obsessed by this self-created ‘Perfect Body’-Image in my mind and will/would judge myself/my body as ‘imperfect’/’not good enough’ and abuse it in word and deed just because it doesn’t fit MY definition of ‘perfection’ which is defined within and as the ‘Perfect Body’-Image in my mind through which I hope to grant me my desires of relationships and sex with girls/woman/females — while missing the manifested, actual Perfection of my Physical Body in it’s design, manifestation and expression as it has kept me alive for more then 21 years and that in that it obviously hasn’t missed ONE single breath, heart-beat or other function it performs within/as itself in-order to ‘keep alive’/’survive’ because otherwise I would be gone a long time ago.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 91 Absolute Self-Honesty: Resistance and the Fear-of-Loss

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to postpone and do my self-forgiveness and my writing later because I experience an resistance within myself because “I don’t know what to apply self-forgiveness on or write about” because everything is ‘fine’ within me at the moment — instead of realizing that nothing is ‘fine’, not even at the moment and that I am lying to myself, and that my resistance towards and desire to postpone and do my self-forgiveness and writing later is because I do not want to look at my self-dishonesty during the day because if I would look and admit to myself my self-dishonesties I participated within during my day — I would be forced to change and I do not want to change because changing implies to give up that which I have come to cherish, like and love to do as it provides some form of energetic/energy-experience comfort of positivity within myself, so that I refuse/resist/fear to give-it-up and in that refuse/resist/fear to be self-honest and admit to myself that I have been self-dishonest and in that investigate my self-dishonesties and face them within/through self-forgiveness and writing because in doing so I am placing myself into a tight corner because I now Have to change because I am seeing the dishonesty of it and how I can stop it and why I must stop it and if I don’t I will be haunted by regret, guilt and anger because I decided to deliberately continue participation and repetition of my self-dishonesties in spite of being aware of them and knowing how to stop them.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my experience of self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application being ‘difficult’ and ‘hard’ in particular moments regarding particular points, is because I am facing a point that I do not want to face because in facing it I will have to give-up that which I have cherished, liked and loved to do because it made me ‘feel good’ and ‘happy’/having positive energy-experiences inside/within and that when I become ‘stuck’/experience myself as though I am becoming ‘stuck’ within facing/applying self-forgiveness on or writing about a point — it means that I am not being/allowing myself to be self-honest absolutely in taking on/facing that point and/because I am refusing/resisting/fearing to give-up certain things/points within the point I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist/refuse to be absolutely self-honest in my self-forgiveness and writings because I know that if I allow me to be absolutely self-honest I will be in a position where I Have to change because I am aware that I now Must change because I am aware of what I am doing that is of self-dishonesty and not in the best interest of all life in/as equality and oneness and I don’t want to be pushed into a tight corner where the only valid choice/decision I can make is to actually really change/stop myself/the point I am facing/the point that exist in me that is of self-dishonesty and not standing in the best interest of all life in/as equality and oneness — and in that fear to be in a position where I Have to change/where the only valid choice/decision is to change myself — suppress my self-dishonesties to make the impression onto myself that there is nothing wrong/bad/self-dishonest existing within and as me — so that I do not find myself in a position where I am Forced to change/stop me and give-up my self-interest/’what I like/love doing’ even if it’s harming another/standing in the way of what’s best for all life in/as equality and oneness — and so can continue my life of ‘doing things’ that make me ‘feel good’ and ‘happy’ and that create positivity/positive energy-experiences within/inside me.

In that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that resistance is when I don’t want to face myself as certain points within me that I am quite aware of in the moment of resistance — but convince myself that I don’t know why I am resisting it or what I am resisting — because I am trying to protect myself from being pushed into a tight corner through being self-honest and admitting to myself my self-dishonesties, where the only valid choice/decision I can make is to actually change myself because I am now aware of what I am doing and what I am accepting and allowing and that I am the one that Decides everything of myself — and if I don’t change I will experience regret, frustration, anger, depression and guilt and I don’t want that because these energies/energy-experiences do not ‘feel good’ and make me not ‘happy’ — they even interrupt/stop/delete/remove my ‘happiness’ and ‘feel good’/positivity/positive-energy experiences as though these negative-energy experiences are so much stronger that they can with ease shut-down/eradicate the positivity/positive energy-experiences/’feel good‘-energy experiences and the ‘happiness’ inside me, leaving behind not even a small refraction/trace of ‘it’, as though it has never even existed and all that I am left with then is ‘feeling bad’/’feeling shit’ as the self-awareness of the reality of my self-dishonest existence is the only thing that remains within me.

So, within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in/through my backchat talk myself into the creation of ‘tiredness’ to make myself believe/convince myself that I am tired and need some rest — while the reality is that I do not want to be self-honest and admit to myself my self-dishonest acceptances and allowances because I do not want to change/stop/give-up that which I have come to love/cherish/like doing because it creates positive/’feel good‘-energies of/as ‘happiness’ within/inside me and I do not want to give up positivity/positive energy-experiences/’feeling good’/’happiness’ at not cost — so that I will go to the extreme of suppressing my self-dishonesties so that I forget about them so that I can make myself believe/convince myself that there is nothing within/inside me that is of self-dishonesty that I can see, that will make me ‘feel bad’/regretful/guilty/shameful/angry/frustrated/depressed — and so can continue my life of living/doing the things that make me ‘feel good’ and make me ‘happy’ and create all kinds of positivity/positive energy-experiences within/inside me because that’s what I have defined myself by: ‘Feeling Good’-Energy-Experiences of/as ‘Happiness’. While not realizing that these ‘feeling good’-energy-experiences of/as ‘happiness’ is what I have made-up through thinking/backchat to superimpose onto/hide/cover/suppress/forget about the reality of what I really experience which is all the negativity/negative-energy-experiences/’feel bad‘-energy-experiences of/as regret, shame, guilt, anger, frustration, resentment, powerlessness, inferiority, judgment — that I experience all these emotions/’negative’-energy-experiences because I am self-aware of my self-dishonest existence which I do not want to change/stop because in stopping my self-interest and becoming self-honest — in doing what’s best for all life in/as equality and oneness — I will no longer ‘feel good’/have positive-energy-experiences because most of the things I did through which I created these positive-energy-experiences, the ‘happiness’ within me — can now no longer be done by me because it will interfere with ‘what’s best for all’ — thus it will ‘harm’/’compromise’ others/other life so that I can have my ‘happiness’-energy-experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse/resist/fear to apply self-forgiveness and do my writing and self-corrective application in absolute self-honesty because I know/am aware of that if I would do that — I would find myself in a position where I Have to give-up the things I did through which I have created/made-up/maintained/perpetuated my ‘feel good’/positivity/positive-energy-experiences of/as ‘happiness’ in the attempt to hide/cover-up/suppress/forget the true reality of myself of what I in-fact experience underneath the mask of positivity/positive energy-experiences/’feel good’ energy-experiences of/as ‘happiness’ — which is all the negativity/negative energy-experiences/’feel bad‘-energy-experiences which I but so Fear and in that Fear have tried to run away from it, run away from facing myself, facing my self-dishonesties and made the decision to never be self-honest completely so that I do not have to Face and Experience that which I so Fear to face and Experience which is: The actual Experiences of Myself, which is all the negativity/negative-energy-experiences, like regret, shame, anger, frustration, depression, hopelessness, powerlessness, helplessness, guilt, judgment etc. — and to never ever again face that reality of/as myself — I have decided to create positivity/positive energy-experiences/’feel good’-energy-experiences of/as ‘happiness’ through which I hide/suppress/try to forget the true reality of/as myself — and in that decided to resist/feel tired and have something else to do when I am faced with my self-dishonesties and faced with being self-honest because I know within myself that in allowing me to be absolutely self-honest I will by my own hand place myself into a position where I Have to stop/change myself and where I will experience my true reality that I covered underneath my ‘happiness’-energy-experiences and that if I decide to not change regardless of the fact that I am now in a position where the only valid choice/decision is to change/stop myself — my regret, guilt and anger and all the other negative-energy-experiences will intensify and I will be left with more and more depression and regret and guilt.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 92 Prolonging my own Process through Prolonging the existence of things I fear losing within me: Fear of Loss continued.

Okay, I put all the cards on the table:

Since Sundays Chat we had on the Leadership-Forum with Sunette about identifying characters and how to change them, where we as the group took on the “Postponement”-Character and came to the conclusion that there is in-fact NO valid excuse/reason/justification to not move ourselves immediately and get a task done — I have had since been fighting with myself in my mind in trying to justify my postponement because I do not want to change.

A week or two ago I have created a schedule for myself to be more effective, which is that I will daily for 1 hour do my responsibility tasks, and then for 1 hour chill/relax and do whatever I’d like t do, like listen to music, or watch a series etc. and then again for 1 hour do my responsibility tasks and then again for an hour do what I want to do and so repeat the “one hour responsibility-tasks — one hour rest”-process throughout the day and then start the whole thing again the next day.

So, what I realized within and during the chat on Sunday is that I am justifying my schedule/walking of my process with the point of ‘needing rest’ after a certain period of doing my responsibility tasks.

So, what I was not willing to look at and admit is that I am trying to find a valid justification/reason for maintaining/keeping at/perpetuating my schedule/way I am walking my day because I resist/do not want/fear to give-up ’leisure-time’ — ‘leisure-time’ in the sense of: Time where I can listen to music, watch movies, series, or do anything else that I’d like to do instead of my responsibility-tasks, like self-forgiveness, writing, reading blogs, listening to eqafe interviews, rating, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to justify my postponement of my self-responsibility tasks like self-forgiveness, writing, reading blogs, listening to eqafe interviews etc. because I resist/refuse/do not want/fear to give-up the things I enjoy doing instead of the things I don’t enjoy doing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain my postponement because I try to maintain/keep up the ability to participate in things I enjoy and like doing and minimize the time I spend on things I don’t enjoy/like doing, like self-forgiveness, writing, reading others blogs etc. but instead prefer listening to music, relaxing/chilling’ doing nothing, watching movies/series etc. because in those activities I don’t have to face myself and do self-labor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really don’t want to give-up listening to music, watching movies/series and/or doing anything else instead of my self-responsibility tasks — that I resist/refuse to continue applying this self-forgiveness here because I just can’t see/imagine myself doing my self-responsibility tasks all-day long without any rest or time to chill/relax and do nothing but listen to music, watch movies/series and/or participate in any other activities that allow me to abstain from my self-responsibility tasks — that I in that refusal/resistance and fear to give that up — make myself believe that I cannot continue my self-forgiveness here because of the resistance because I can’t speak/write no words, like I am blocked — instead of realizing that I am ‘blocking’ myself because I don’t want to give-up my self-interest of/as doing the things/activities that make me ‘feel good’ and ‘happy’/that create positivity/positive energy-experiences within/inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot find it within myself to just give up on the desire to continue and demanding some ‘leisure time’ as time where I can just relax/chill and do nothing but listen to music, watch movies/series and/or participate in any other activity that creates ‘feel good’/’feel happy’ energy-experiences within me — instead of realizing that I can but that I decide not to because I think/believe and have convinced myself that I need some ‘rest’ from my self-responsibility tasks because at some point/after some time doing my self-responsibility tasks it is just ‘enough’ and I need some ‘rest’ — not realizing that ‘rest’ in this is the time where I can participate in things/activities that create ‘feel good’/’feel happy’ energy-experiences within/inside me and ‘shift’ my preoccupation/attention from ‘facing myself’ and ‘correcting myself’ and ‘perfecting myself as life’ towards things that allow me to ‘feel good’/’feel happy’/experience ‘bliss’ and positivity within/inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that after some time of doing my self-responsibility tasks, that it is just ‘enough’ and that I then need some ‘rest’ as ‘time’ where I can participate in things/activities through which I feel good and happy because the participation in those activities shift my preoccupation/attention from ‘facing myself’ and ‘correcting myself’ onto the activity and I forget about all my self-dishonesties and can feel happy again — instead of realizing that I don’t need ‘rest’ in ‘facing myself’ and ‘correcting myself’ because the ‘facing’ and ‘correcting’ of myself is a LIVING ‘task’ — it is LIVING, it is a BREATH — it is in EVERY BREATH — so just like I don’t need ‘rest’ from Breathing/Living — I don’t need ‘rest’ in ‘facing’ and ‘correcting’ myself and ‘living’ because ‘breathing’/’living‘/’facing myself’/’correcting myself‘/’living self-corrective application’ does not require ‘rest’ — it is an on-going ‘process’ and never stops because it is LIVING and LIVING never stops.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so addicted to music that I refuse/resist to give-it up and demand some time/rest from my self-responsibility tasks to allow me to listen to music — because I am using music as a means/way to ‘get away’ from my self-responsibility tasks of/as ‘facing myself’ and ‘changing myself’/’correcting myself‘. So I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I resist/refuse/fear to give up listening to music and demanding/needing time/rest from my self-responsibility tasks to allow me to listen to music — because I resist/fear to give-up that point that has allowed me to/that I have used/abused to ‘get away’ from my self-responsibility tasks of/as ‘facing’ and ‘changing’ and ‘correcting’ myself, so that if I give-up that point that allowed me to ‘hide’ from myself/my self-responsibility tasks — I will be left with myself as ‘facing myself’ the entire time and I believe that I just can’t handle this because then things will move too fast and I will not be able to maintain/perpetuate/delay participation in self-interest activities/activities that make me ‘feel good’ and ‘happy’ and experience ‘bliss’ and all kinds of positivity/positive energy-experience within/inside me — because I am now ‘facing myself’ 24/7 directly without having any point where I can ‘hide’ from ‘facing myself’ and in that obviously things will move faster and I will face points of self-dishonesty faster and in that will have to give-up things I hold-onto and cherish and love and fear losing faster as-well and I don’t want that, but want to prolong/delay the loss of the things I fear losing/giving-up as much/long as possible — even though I am aware that the time will inevitably come where I will have to let-go/give-up and ‘lose’ that which I fear losing because I know that it’s self-dishonest and as long as I hold onto that thing which I fear losing I will not be able to create myself as what’s best for all life — instead of realizing that I am then in this implying that I am deliberately prolonging/delaying my own process and transcendence and in that the creation/manifestation/materialization of equality and oneness in/as existence as a whole — because I am trying to prolong/delay the ‘Facing of Myself’ and ‘giving-up’/’losing’ of the things I fear losing/giving up and that I could move much faster within/as my own process and in that accelerate the universal process equally if I would allow me to stop using/abusing points like music to ‘hide’ from ‘facing myself’ and in that ‘facing of myself’ ‘changing’/’correcting’ myself — just for the sake of prolonging my participation in and maintaining the activities and things I fear losing/giving-up as long as practically possible.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Deliberately prolong/delay my own process and transcendence through searching for and using/abusing ‘points’/things/activities like music — to ‘hide’ myself from/’get away from’ ‘facing myself’ and ‘correcting’/’changing’ myself just to prolong/delay my participation and maintenance of the things/activities that I ‘hold onto’ and fear losing/giving-up, so that I can as long as possible prolong doing these things which I fear losing/giving-up — instead of giving them up immediately because I am aware that the time will inevitably come where I will have to give up all these things I fear losing because they are purely for my own self-interest entertainment and stand in the way of creating myself as life as what’s best for all — so let’s just give it up immediately and not prolong my own process and transcendence unnecessarily and in that not delay the manifestation of equality an oneness within/as existence as a whole simultaneously and move within and throughout my process at the pace I can really move through and not move much slower then I potentially can, through deliberately prolonging/delaying ‘facing myself’ and in that ‘facing myself’ ‘correcting’/’changing’ myself because I deliberately try to prolong/delay participation in things/activities/points that I have defined myself by/as and fear losing/giving-up but instead ‘face myself’ and give-up unconditionally that which needs to be given-up/stopped and changed and get this process done as quick/fast as potentially and practically possible.

An so, within that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s not about ‘not listening to music’ or ‘not being allowed/able to listen to music’ within ‘walking my process’ — or participating in any other activity for that matter — but about not using/abusing ‘music’ or any other activity for the purpose of ‘hiding’/’getting away’ from ‘facing myself’ and in that ‘facing’ ‘changing’/’correcting’ myself and/or to ‘prolong’ the existence of and ‘delay’ the ‘losing’/’giving up’ of the things/points I hold-onto within myself and fear losing/giving-up and that I in that can very well listen to music or watch movies or do other activities, but not use/abuse them to ‘get away’/’hide‘/’run away from’ my self-responsibility tasks of/as ‘facing’ and in that ‘channing’/’correcting’ myself.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 93 Submit and Surrender: When the Mind strikes back and Giving-Up seems like the only choice available.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when a pattern re-emerge within me and I find myself unable to stop participation but constantly feel the need to follow and end up following the pattern — that it’s no use to try and fight/battle with the pattern — as though I am trying to ‘snap out’ of it as though the whole things didn’t happen at all — so that I don’t have to feel depressed because I yet again totally failed in the transcendence of that pattern/point — instead of realizing that if the pattern re-emerge and I find myself unable to stop it and participate/follow it over and over again — then it means that my self-forgiveness hasn’t been effective or enough and I Have to do more forgiveness and writing till I get it. It’s no use in fighting/battling it. If I find myself falling into the same pattern over and over again without being able to stop it immediately and re-align myself to my self-directive living — then the pattern still has directive-principle of me — I still allow it to be more then me and need to do more self-forgiveness and writing and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight/battle within myself with my mind when I find myself unable to stop a pattern but instead find myself participation/falling and following the same patterns over and over again — no matter how hard I try not to — instead of being self-honest and admit/realize that the pattern still has directive-principle over me and my self-forgiveness, no matter how much forgiveness and writing I have done up to the moment, was still not enough or effective and I need to do more but I don’t want to admit/acknowledge that because then I’ll have to admit/acknowledge that all my forgiveness and corrections and writing up to the moment was All Useless because in admitting/acknowledging that — I will feel depressed and powerless as I perceive me that I will never get it because I did a ton of self-forgiveness, writing and attempts to correct the pattern within/as me — but still to no avail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist/fear to admit/acknowledge that all my self-forgiveness, writings and attempts to correct a particular pattern/point within/as me was all useless because I still fall for the same patterns and follow them and find myself unable to to stop participation immediately but only after a long time of participation in it till I get angry/pissed at myself and the point and only then ‘snap out’ of it — because I am trying to control myself and what goes on within myself and/as my own mind. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot control myself and the energies within/as myself and/as my own mind because when something exist in/as me then it exist in/as me and I cannot ‘control’ it because ‘controlling’ it would mean ‘keep it at bay’ and that implies that the point is being suppressed within me but it’s still very much existent, so within that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only and Must Delete/Remove/Stop the pattern/point within/as me and not attempt/try to ‘control’ it and that this then means that, when I find myself falling for and following the same patterns/point within me and find myself unable to stop participation immediately — that it means that all my self-forgiveness, writings and attempts of correction of that pattern/point within/as me was not enough and I haven’t transcended yet as is proven by my automatic following of the same patterns/point within/as me when they re-emerge within me and my world and that I in that need to do more self-forgiveness and writing.

So, in that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to instead of judging myself and feeling guilty and angry towards/with myself and beating myself up through self-judgment for still falling for and following the same patterns/points within/as me — realize that I need to ‘dig deeper’ within that pattern/point that I still fall for and follow automatically without being able to stop immediately and thus need to do more self-forgiveness and writings as all my previous self-forgiveness and writings on the pattern/point was not enough as is seen/proven by my constant/continuous falling for and following of the same pattern/point and in that re-investigate the pattern/point within/through further/more self-forgiveness and writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat “I don’t want this any more”, spoken within the emotion of depression, hopelessness, helplessness and powerlessness and inferiority within me — when/as I saw myself still having judgments and reactions towards my body/bodily appearance — thus when/as I found out that I still tend to fall for and follow the same old patterns/point within me and that all my self-forgiveness and writing up to this moment were all not enough and useless and within that had the backchat “I did so much self-forgiveness on it, I investigated this pattern/point and wrote about it and did self-forgiveness on it for weeks and it still exist in me and I still tend to fall for it and follow it without being able to stop immediately” and in that followed with the backchat “Man.. I will never get it” and “It’s useless”, “It’s hopeless”, “I am powerless”, “I will never be able to live a normal life like everyone else” and “I just don’t want anymore..”.

I forgive myself within that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to further my depression through accepting and allowing the backchat “What !? I can’t believe it.. Now ALL my old pattern/points regarding the first pattern/point came back and I find myself following them automatically without being able to stop immediately after I participated in and followed the first pattern/point” and in that accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless and hopeless and inferior to all the patterns/points and my mind and life within the backchat way back in my head, silent, and almost unbearable of/as “I should just submit and accept defeat” and “Life/The Mind is just to strong for me — I cannot win” and “I have no chance” and “I should just return to my old life and make the best out of it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “What !? I can’t believe it.. Now ALL my old patterns/points regarding the first pattern/point came back and I find myself following them automatically without being able to stop immediately after I participated in and followed the first pattern/point” to exist and come-up in/as me and direct me instead of allowing myself to NOT follow/participate in the backchat and just breathe; focus on my breathing in/as the PHYSICAL reality in/as walking my process in/as physical time and space and I forgive myself within that that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed, hopeless, helpless, powerless and inferior when I in a moment find that many old patterns that I thought I had deleted/corrected/stopped within me — start re-emerging and I fall for them again and follow them automatically without being able to stop immediately when I allowed myself to follow a specific one pattern/point that emerged first within me and when I followed that the other old patterns followed that pattern and I automatically found myself to follow them too without being able to stop immediately neither — instead of considering the possibility that if I allow myself to fall for One single pattern and follow it instead and remain ABSOLUTELY SELF-DISCIPLINED and COMMITED to NOT allow it to exist in me and direct me — that if I do give-in and follow the pattern regardless — that it will set of a chain-reaction of similar-patterns that were connected-to this one pattern and those similar-patterns will re-emerge.

It’s like I have re-activated all the past shit again of a particular point/pattern that I was quite successful in stopping/not following/directing previously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “I should just submit and accept defeat” to exist and come-up within and as me and direct me and for me allowing myself to follow/participate/DECIDE to participate within/as the backchat instead of simply breathing and not paying attention to the backchat, ‘paying attention’ as in ‘following’/’participating’ it it and allowing it to direct me to the point of ‘How I experience myself’ and ‘What I do’/’How I behave‘. I forgive myself within that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider ‘submitting and accepting defeat’ within the context of: ‘Giving-up’ on this process and the ‘attempt’ to change myself as the mind and become the self-directive-principle of myself and/as my life — because of the one incident/event that happened where when I allowed me to follow a particular pattern/point in me — other old patterns of which I believed I had stopped and was successful to not participate/follow in the past/previously — started re-emerging and I found myself to automatically follow these as-well; so that I ended up with a BUNCH of old patterns again directing me — and in that awareness/seeing that the old patterns of which I believed I had really stopped were Still existing in me and that I had stopped absolutely Nothing — allowed me to go into depression, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness and inferiority to/towards my life, my mind and all my inner-experiences of/as Energy — and considered and experienced the desire to want to give-up on myself, this process and the potential/possibility of self-change and just ‘submit’ and ‘accept defeat’, acknowledging/accepting that ‘I stand no chance’ and that ‘my life and my mind is too strong/powerful/more then me’ and in that experienced the desire to want to ‘return to my old life’ and ‘make the best out of that old life’ because at-least I would then experience peace and have a peaceful mind because I have accepted/acknowledge my powerlessness and that ‘I cannot change’/’That it’s impossible to change myself and stop myself as the mind’ and ‘Get this Process Done’ and would no longer even try to change myself and therefor I would experience peace and have a ‘peaceful’ mind/’life’ Till I die instead of all this conflict, frustration, depression, internal-battle/fighting, resistance I experience now within me in/as walking this process and ‘facing myself’ and ‘changing myself’ and all the conflict, depression, frustration, anger, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness etc. when I find myself failing to change myself over and over again.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 94 Abusing the Body through Food

And here I hit again a wall of resistance and try to justify the resistance with “I am tired” and “I don’t know”. The point I am resisting to look at is the consumption of particular food.

I have had a great craving for ice-cream and ate it but ate it within feeling guilty all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty eating ice-cream or other food that I judge as ‘bad’ because I fear to get pimples and/or that it will interfere with my goals of muscle-building.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and regret eating sweets or food that I know/am aware that it has no nutritional-value and is actually not good for the physical body and feel angry with/towards myself when I do eat such food through giving-in to the temptation/craving experience within me — because I am aware that my very decision to go and eat such food is a decision to deliberately abuse my body because I know that the food is not good for me/my body and the evidence of this is the after-experience of tiredness and lethargy when eating such food — yet I over and over again give-into the temptation and craving experience within me. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress my anger I experience within me towards myself for making the decision consciously to deliberately abuse my body through eating food that do not support my body and food I am aware of that it is not good for me/my body and in spite of that awareness go “Fuck it, I’ll just eat it because I crave it so much” — because I do not want to be faced with my guilt and regret and anger I experience in relation to my deliberate decision to abuse myself/my body through food just because it tastes good and I have a craving for it in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into peer-pressure to eat/consume fast-food and food that I am totally aware of it’s negative impact/effect on MY body, yet decide to consume it just because my friends show/express signs of being hacked off by my choices of what foods I will consume and what not and to not risk being disliked by them or them abandoning me just because I don’t do the things that they would like to do — decide to abuse my body through the consumption of fast-food/food that I am aware of its negative impact/effects on MY physical body just to please them and maintain our friendship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value friendship more then the wellness/well-being of myself and my physical-body, in that placing myself and my physical body below others/friendships because apparently friends are so much more then me and my body that I should always choose my friends and do what they want even if it means to abuse/harm myself and my body. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I don’t have to live 24/7 all my life with my friends — but I DO Have to live 24/7 all the time with myself and my physical body — so the relationship with myself and/as my own physical body should be the priority to take care of/for.

In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to eat/consume fast-food and food that I am aware is not good for my body and of which negative impact/consequence on my body I am aware of — just because I don’t want to piss my friends off and risk the friendship just because of my food-preferences and ‘ideas’ about food — instead of realizing that it’s not ‘ideas’ about food I have but that I have tested many foods and their effect on MY physical body and researched food and nutrients extensively and in that know/am aware of negative consequences/effects certain foods have on my body and that it’s a decision to assist and support myself and/as my physical body through food instead of abusing myself and/as my physical body through food that I have made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless towards the experience of ‘craving something’, so that I in this experience of ‘powerlessness’ give-into the craving and decide to go for the things I crave, even if it’s not good for me and my body, but do it regardless of the understanding/awareness of the consequences and negative impact/effects on me/my life/my process and my body just because I had a craving — not realizing that I am accepting and allowing the Experience of ‘craving’ to be more then me that I apparently cannot remain self-directive in the presence/face of such an experience. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can indeed remain self-directive in the presence/face of the experience of ‘craving’, such as ‘craving food’ and direct myself as the situation with the outcome of what’s best for me as my body. In that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that many times where I had craved some food of which I knew that it was not good for myself/my body and I gave-into the craving and ate/consumed such food that I have justified it with “What should I do, there’s nothing else and I have to eat something !” — while suppressing my awareness that there was in-fact other food there that was good for myself/my body but which I didn’t want to eat at that moment because it don’t taste good and the other food taste so much better — in this all not allowing myself to realize that I was choosing the food which tastes better because through that food I would be able to create/get specific energy-experiences within me that would make me ‘feel good’/’feel happy’.

Within that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am craving food which ‘tastes good’ because I have within and throughout my past ‘felt good’ and ‘felt happy’ within/inside me by/through eating such food and am now trying to re-create such energy-experiences within me which I had in the past through consumptions of specific food that ‘taste good’ — so that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose/decide to eat/consume food through which I can re-create energy-experiences of ‘happiness’ that I had in my past with these foods — like re-creating/re-living ‘good times’/’happy moments’ of my life I had in my past that I connected to specific food — instead of deciding to and choosing to eat/consume food that is scientifically/mathematically/bio-chemically researched to support/benefit the human physical body in it’s optimum functioning and health and not abuse it as something that produces ‘feel good’/’feel happy’ energy-experiences in response to certain food/chemicals/substances I introduce into it. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my body as a Positive-Energy-Experience-Production-Fabric that will in response to certain food and the foods bio-chemical composition react with other chemicals in the body, to produce other chemicals/hormones that will create/result in the creation/production of positive-energy-experiences of happiness within/inside me — instead of assisting and supporting myself and/as my body through introducing into it food that have been bio-chemically researched to benefit/support/assist the body in it’s optimum functioning, performance and health.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to food that ‘tastes good’, even if it’s bio-chemically not good for me/my body, if there is no other food that ‘tastes good’ and is within/as it’s ‘composition’ bio-chemically proven to assist/support the body well — because I don’t like to consume food that does not taste good or that tastes ‘gross’ and will rather switch to food that is poison for my body because at least it ‘tastes good’. In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my food-choices based on ‘taste’ instead of the physical/bio-chemical composition that is scientifically/medically/mathematically proven to benefit/assist/support the physical body in it’s optimum functioning, performance and health — because in eating/consuming food that has a neutral or even ‘gross’ taste; a taste that I am not comfortable with because of my programmed taste-preferences throughout the years of fast-food and commercial-food consumption; — I will not be able to create positive-energy-experiences of happiness through such food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through food for the purpose/expectation to create positive-energy-experiences of happiness that I can experience and in that ‘feel good’ within/inside me — instead of realizing that the body does not run on happiness or ‘feel good’-energy-experiences but on physical-food that is within it’s composition made up of nutrients/substances that the physical body needs for optimum functioning, performance, health and thus survival and that if I don’t introduce these substances/nutrients into my body — that no matter how much happiness and positive-energy-experiences of/as ‘feel good’-energy I have and experience within me as my mind — that I will die because happiness/’feel good’-energy-experiences are not the food/fuel of the body/life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn food/nutrition from ‘introducing’ into my body substances/nutrients that the body needs for optimum functioning, performance, health and thus survival — into ‘introducing’ into my body substances/food/chemicals that will react with other chemicals in the body to produce other chemicals/hormones that will create positive-energy-experiences of/as happiness that make me ‘feel good’ within/inside me. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the body doesn’t fucking care about taste and ‘feel good’-energy experiences it can get from food — but about the nutrients/nutritional value in a food that it can use/break-down for life-sustaining and performance-enhancing/optimizing functions in the body to maintain/assure a optimum functioning, performance and health of the body/itself so that it/I can survive in this physical existence.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 95 To never-ever give-up on self: Self-Corrective statements for the “Submit and Surrender”/”Give-Up”-Character.

Continuing with the “Submit and Surrender”/“Give-Up”-Character.

These are self-corrective statements/self-commitment statements on “Day 93 Submit and Surrender: When the Mind strikes back and Giving-Up seems like the only choice available”’s Self-Forgiveness:

I commit myself to never submit and surrender within the context of: ‘Giving up’ on myself as life, but instead when/as I find myself having experiences of considering to submit and surrender as ‘give up’ on myself as life — to assist and support myself through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to investigate the point/reason/event/incident/experience within me that lead me to consider to ‘submit and surrender’ as ‘give up’ on myself as life as this process.

I commit myself to when/as I see/find myself to consider/believe that ‘giving up’ is the only choice available in a moment — to stop and breathe and not allow myself to give into the backchat of/as “Maybe giving up is the only choice available” and instead of believing the backchat of/as that ‘giving up’ is the only choice available — to instead assist and support myself within/by/through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to investigate the pattern/point/energy/experience/incident/event that directed me to consider ‘giving up’ to be the only choice available.

I commit myself to stop fighting/battling with myself and/as my own mind when I see/find that a pattern/point on which I have already walked (extensive) self-forgiveness and writing and self-corrective application, still re-emerge within me where I tend to automatically/habitually follow/participate in it and find myself unable to stop it immediately when it re-emerges within me/my world — and instead realize that if I still tend to habitually, without self-awareness follow/participate in the same patterns/points that it means that the pattern/point still has directive principle of me and that I haven’t forgiven/cleared all the layers/dimensions of that pattern/point and realize that fighting/battling/resisting it doesn’t help at all because it has already happened, I have participated in it without awareness/automatically. And in that understanding I commit myself to instead take a deep breath and let-go of the fighting/battling/resisting and assist and support myself with further/more/more specific/’deeper’ self-forgiveness and writing till I have covered/investigated/forgiven/realized/seen all the layers/dimensions of the pattern/point that I am unable to self-direct/stop/transcend. And walk my process of self-forgiveness and writing and self-corrective application on a singular/one pattern/point TILL I have in-fact forgiven/cleared/investigated/stopped/realized/self-directed/self-corrected all the layers/dimensions of that pattern/point and so am in-fact able to self-direct myself effectively whenever such a pattern/point re-emerge within myself/my world.

I commit myself to not allow myself to judge myself and beat myself up through my own self-judgement when/as I see/find patterns/points still re-emerge within me to which I have already walked (extensive) self-forgiveness and writing and self-corrective application on, but still find myself in moments/events/scenarios/environments/surroundings/incidents unable to stop participation and self-direct myself, but instead habitually/automatically/without self-awareness ‘follow’/’participate’ in the patterns/points and I commit myself to not allow me to go into depression, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness and inferiority — within the backchat and desire to want to ‘give up’ and ‘submit and surrender’ just because I have, regardless of an already (extensive) walking of self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application, failed the transcendence of a pattern/point within/as me — and/but instead of going into depression, accepting powerlessness, inferiority and defeat — assist and support myself to breathe and realize that I have ‘failed’ in the transcendence of the point/pattern and that it’s nothing to judge me for or feel depressed and accept myself as powerless/inferior towards and accept ‘defeat’ — but that I haven’t been specific enough, haven’t been detailed enough in my self-forgiveness, writing AND self-corrective statement scripting and self-corrective application itself since there are still points/backdoors that exist within me of/from that point/pattern and that I ‘simply’ have to go back to further self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements and self-corrective applications. And in that I commit myself to assist and support myself through further DETAILED/SPECIFIC self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements/self-corrective application scripting and the self-corrective application/walking itself Till I get all the layers/dimensions/backdoors of the point/pattern and am able to stop/change and transcend it within/as remaining the self-directive principle of/as myself without the pattern/point having any ‘directive control’ over me again if it would ever re-emerge within me/my world.

I commit myself to not be re-directed/mis-directed/stopped/influenced by the energy-experience of/as depression, hopelessness, helplessness, inferiority, desperation and powerlessness through not allowing myself to accept myself as and perceive/see and stand/exist within/as a relationship of ‘inferiority’/where I perceive the energy-experience because of it’s ‘nature’/’substance‘/’intensity’ to be ‘more’/’superior’ than me and in that not allow me to be ‘scared of’ the ‘substance’/’texture‘/’feel’ of the energy/experience and realize that I am the one that decide and that I can decide to remain self-directive in my self-honesty and/as self-application and I commit myself to in that understanding and realization remain self-directive/self-honest/self-moving and so continue my self-walk within/through assisting and supporting myself through further self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements and self-corrective application to investigate the points towards which I allow myself to feel depressed, hopeless, helpless, inferior, powerless etc. to in/through the self-forgiveness assist and support me to stop such experiences within me. And I also commit myself in this to when/as I see myself feeling/going into depression, hopelessness, helplessness, inferiority and powerlessness — to immediately stop participation/following/giving-into/submitting to and ‘surrendering’ to the energy-experience and/but instead assist and support me through breathing and remaining HERE as self-awareness/self-presence of/as my human physical body and my immediate physical-environment to breathe/walk through the energy-experiences and remain Here self-directive and continue walking myself as self-movement and not allow the energy-experience of/as depression, hopelessness, helplessness, inferiority and powerlessness to re-direct/mis-direct/stop/influence me/my walking.

I commit myself to not allow me ever again to think/believe and feel/go into/create depression, hopelessness, helplessness, inferiority and powerlessness energy-experiences within me within the consideration to ‘just submit and surrender’ as ‘give up’ on myself as life and process — just because I keep failing/falling to transcend/change myself within and as particular points/patterns — but to instead remain constant/consistent within/as to simply every time I fail/fall — just stand up and assist and support myself with/through further, more specific/detailed self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements and self-corrective application — Till I get it and change myself for real. I commit myself to not allow the mind to ‘drag me down’ and make me perceive/consider ‘submitting and surrendering’ as ‘giving up’ on myself as life and this process and assist myself with/through breathing and/as self-corrective application and if required also further self-forgiveness and writing to stop participation/following/submitting to/surrendering to/giving-into the backchat and energy-experiences of/as ‘considering’ ‘submission’ and ’defeat’ as ‘giving up’ on myself as life and this process.

I commit myself within that to never ever give-up on myself as life and this process — regardless/no matter how many times I fall/fail to transcend/change/stop myself/a particular point/pattern within and as me and instead continue assisting an supporting myself with/through breathing, self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application — Till I get it and Till I change successfully/for real.

I commit myself to stop fearing to admit/acknowledge that my self-forgiveness, writings, self-corrective statements and self-corrective applications were useless/not enough when/as the evidence of it is Here, where I still fail to stop participation in the pattern/point of which I have walked already in self-forgiveness and writing — as this acknowledging/admitting is a ‘seeing’ in self-honesty that assist and support me and allows me to re-investigate the point/pattern and ‘dig deeper’ within/as it Till I find the ‘right points’/clear/forgive all the layers/dimensions of/as it that will allow me to change/stop/transcend it as me for-real. I see/understand/realize that ‘not admitting’/’not acknowledging’ that my self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application was useless/not enough when the evidence of it is physically here where I am still unable to stop participation in a pattern/point immediately and self-direct it as me — is self-dishonesty/lying to myself and realize that it’s stupid because the evidence of the uselessness/ineffectiveness of my past/previous self-forgiveness, writings and self-corrective applications on a particular pattern/point is Here in the event where I have been unable to stop/change/direct it as me when it re-emerged within/as me. So I stop lying to myself/being self-dishonest and instead assist and support myself with/through breathing and further self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application Till I in-fact change/stop/transcend and am able to self-direct a point/pattern within/as me should it ever again re-emerge within myself/my world again.

I commit myself to realize that I cannot ‘control’ my mind and/as the energies/experiences I have and in that stop trying to control it and realize that ‘controlling’ it is an attempt to ‘keep it at bay’ which means that the point is being Suppressed but is Still very much Here — just removed from my awareness and in that I commit myself to when/as I find myself attempting to/fighting to take ‘control’ of my mind and my energy-experiences of/as emotions and feelings and my thoughts — stop the fight/resistance in the understanding that I am on my way of suppression/suppressing these energies within me — and instead breathe and realize that the only way is to stop/delete these energies through deleting/stopping the origin-point within/as my myself that has created these energies/energy-experiences of/as emotions and feelings and thoughts and backchat etc. that I have in a moment — and in that instead of suppressing/’trying to control’ the energies/my experiences/my mind — assist and support myself through/with self-forgiveness,writing and self-corrective application to investigate/find the source/origin-point within/as me that has created the energies in the first place to so be able to stop the self-separation and so bring an end to the energies/energy-experiences within/as me.

I commit myself to not allow incidents/events within my life to direct me to the point of depression, desperation, hopelessness, helplessness, inferiority and powerlessness within having the consideration and desire to want to ‘submit and surrender’ as ‘give up’ on myself as life and this process — but instead of allowing an event/incident/happening in my life/the world to direct me and make me wanna give-up — to assist and support myself with/through breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to ‘walk myself through’ the energy-experiences — no matter how extensive my internal experiences might be — Till I get it, Till I find a solution as I walk within the commitment that no matter what it will take and/or how long it will take — I will find a solution to myself and this world and in that walk within the self-commitment and self-agreement to never ever give-up on myself as life and this process Till it’s done.

I commit myself to not allow myself to feel depressed, hopeless, helpless, inferior and powerless and consider and desire ‘giving up’ just because multiple old patterns re-emerged within me with me being unable to immediately stop/self-direct them within/as me — and stop believing/convincing myself that this event/incident is the proof/evidence that I cannot change/That it’s impossible to change and that the mind is just too much for me and that I should just return to my old life because ‘resistance’/any attempts to change myself is futile because of the event/incident of re-creating old patterns/points within and as me — but/and instead when/as I see/find myself go into this depression, hopelessness, helplessness, inferiority and powerlessness within considering to ‘give up’ on myself as life and this process and the potential/possibility of self-change — to stop immediately and take a deep breath, assist and support myself with/by/through further breathing to remain here within/as the self-awareness and self-presence of my physical body and the physical itself and/to not go ‘up there’ into the mind into the mind-energy-experiences and stop participation in any backchat and thoughts immediately and instead assist and support myself with/through further self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to ‘re-walk’ my self-forgiveness on the ‘old’ patterns that I re-created again — to stop them again and investigate the points/reasons/backdoors/dimensions/layers that were still inside/within me that have allowed for the event/incident of the ‘re-creation’ of those ‘old’ patterns/point to occur/manifest within me — to so through the self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application assist and support myself to stop these backdoors/hidden dimensions/hidden layers that were still within me that allowed the re-creation of the ‘old’ patterns to take place — to so stop the patterns/points within/as me totally — once and for all and to never ever re-create them. Thus: I commit myself to never ever give-up — No matter what, but assist and support myself through/with breathing, self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application Till I find solutions to myself and/as this world and change myself for real; no matter how long it takes; no matter how many times I might fail in it.

I commit myself to not wallow in energy-experiences of/as depression/hopelessness/helplessness/inferiority/powerlessness — but instead allow myself to assist and support myself within/through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to find/investigate the origin/source-point/reason for the depression/hopelessness/helplessness/inferiority/powerlessness and within that assist/support myself to stop that point to no longer exist within/as me — and in that assist and support myself to remain self-directive instead of being directed/influential/moved/mis-aligned/mis-directed within my ‘walking’ by and through energy-experiences.

(added on 21.July.2012):

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and acknowledge that having/experiencing energy-experiences of/as depression/hopelessness/helplessness/inferiority/powerlessness is no excuse/reason/justification for becoming/being ‘idle’/’stuck’ within my self-movement and self-application because I see/understand/realize that I have and can within/through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application and breathing assist and support myself to ‘move out’/’stop’ the energy-experiences and find/investigate the source/origin/reason-point of the energy-experience itself to in that stop/delete/change it within/as myself to no longer exist in/as me. So I see/realize/understand that having/experiencing energy-experiences, positive or negative, is NO excuse/reason/justification to not ‘move’/’direct’ myself and no reason/excuse/justification for becoming/being ‘idle’/’stuck’ within my self-movement of/and/as self-application because I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application within/through which I can assist and support myself to remain self-moving/self-directive and stop the energy-experiences itself and the origin/source/reason-point that manifest/facilitate/power/create the energy-experiences itself and that the application of self-forgiveness, wring and self-corrective application in such moments of ‘experiencing’/’having’ energy-experiences is in itself self-movement/self-direction/self-application/self-living because I am Living-Me instead of allowing/accepting the energy-experience to direct me and determine ‘what I do’ and ‘who I am’ in the moment of experience of the energy-experience.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the application of writing and self-forgiveness is in itself a self-corrective application/self-movement/self-living application because I am moving ME in/as ‘taking self-responsibility’ for myself and not allowing/accepting myself to ‘BE directed’ by/through my inner/internal/mind-energy-experiences.

(added on 22.July.2012):

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that depression/the energy-experience of/as depression is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application through which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the depression/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that powerlessness/the energy-experience of/as powerlessness is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the ‘powerlessness’/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that inferiority/the energy-experience of/as inferiority is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the inferiority/energy-experiences and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that hopelessness/the energy-experience of/as ‘hopelessness’ is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the ‘hopelessness’/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that helplessness/the energy-experience of/as ‘helplessness’ is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the ‘helplessness’/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that anger/the energy-experience of/as ‘anger’ is not valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the ‘anger’/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that frustration/the energy-experience of/as ‘frustration’ is no vaid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the ‘frustration’/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that regret/the energy-experience of/as ‘regret’ is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the ‘regret’/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that sadness/the energy-experience of/as ‘sadness’ is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the ‘sadness’/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that desperation/the energy-experience of/as ‘desperation’ is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the ‘desperation’/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that when things don’t work-out as expected, desired, wanted/the energy-experience of/as ‘things not working-out as expected/desired/wanted’ is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ when things don’t work-out/the energy-experience of/as ‘things not working-out’ and/to find a solution and stop the energy-experience.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that ‘feeling like a failure’/the energy-experience of/as ‘feeling like a failure’ is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the feeling/energy-experience and stop it and find solutions/ways to change myself.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the energy-experience of/as ‘wanting to give-up’ is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the energy-experience of/as ‘wanting to give-up’ and stop it and find solutions/ways to change myself.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that tiredness, unless it’s actual physical-tiredness in form of/as physical exhaustion from physical participation/work/labor, is no valid excuse/reason/justfication for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the tiredness/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that fear/the energy-experience of/as fear is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the fear/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that anxiety/the energy-experience of/as ‘anxiety’ is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’ the anxiety/energy-experience and stop it.

I commit myself to see/realize/understnad that ‘unpleasant’/’uncomfortable’ ‘feelings’ — both mental and physical is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’/walk through/push through the and remain self-directive/self-honest within the ‘uncomfortability’/’unpleasantness’ ‘feeling’/experience and stop it and find solution/ways to change myself for real.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that any form of resistance/energy-experience is no valid excuse/reason/justification for not moving and applying myself because I see/realize/understand and commit myself to remind myself that I always have breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application with which I can ‘carry’ myself ‘through’/push through/walk through the resistance/energy-experience and stop it and in this remain self-honest/self-directive/self-moving/self-living.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 96 Self-Consciousness: Feeling Watched and Fear of being victimized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed and sad within myself because I have been throughout my day comparing myself with other males and within that comparison judged myself as less then them because of various factors, like skin/complexion, bone-structure, height, muscularity/body-build and hair.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with/through this comparison with other males and judgement of myself as less then them, have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless and inferior within myself towards the world/existence because of the accepted and allowed backchat of “I am the only abnormal here. Everyone else looks just fine. So why me???”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow the existence and emergence and self-participation within/of/as the backchat “I am the only abnormal here. Everyone else looks just fine. So why me???” — within that accepting and allowing myself to give up self-responsibility through within the very words of/as “Why me???” stating/accepting/allowing that something or someone else/greater/more then me has the answer/’power’ for/of me and that I in that have no answer/’power‘/’ability’ to change myself and stop my inner energy-experiences.

In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within comparison with other males because I am searching for something that I have in common with them that I would also desire so that I no longer feel less then/inferior towards all males because of the belief/idea/self-definition that I am ‘abnormal’ and ‘ugly’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when/as I woke up, immediately have/had a thought within me showing me a picture of my body/hair in the way I fear that it looks and within accepting and allowing myself to allow and participate within/as that thought accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat of/as “My hair is ugly” because I was seeing a picture/image of my hairline and the shape of my face and it’s proportions which I judge as ‘ugly’ and define it within the context that it makes me look old/older then what I am supposed to look like in my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that thought have had another thought which showed me a picture of others/people monitoring/looking at/paying attention/observing/’scanning‘/’analyzing’ me from toe to head — because I am thinking and believing that everyone is focusing on me and that I am the center of others attention just because I am in their view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that just because I am in the view of others, that that immediately/automatically means/implies that I am the center of their attention and that they only see me an no one else — instead of realizing that this is not so, because I myself do not fixate at only one singular being without seeing anyone else, but that my attention goes from one being to the next, looking at all beings, yet not fixating at only one singular being the entire time without taking my eyes and thoughts of that one singular being and realize that this belief of being the center of attention of others the entire time is rather stupid/irrational.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel always/the entire time as though I am catching/in the attention of all others just because I am in their view, because I have created this idea/belief of being in the attention of others and that other only see me and monitor and analyze me and wait for that I do something wrong/make a mistake just because I am in their view — within my childhood where I have been taught that people are nasty/evil because they always look at one and just wait for oneself to make a mistake/do something wrong so that they can use it against oneself — within that have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the knowledge/information as being: I am catching/in the attention of others/Others are paying attention to me the entire time because I am in their view and accepted and allowed myself to create a fear within myself of doing something wrong/making a mistake because I feared to be victimized by/through ‘others using my mistakes/wrongs against me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be victimized to such an extent that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a deep fear/anxiety of doing something wrong/making a mistake because I fear that people will use it against me to ‘beat me up’/’drag me down’ and hurt me emotionally/make me ‘feel bad’ — so that I feel watched/monitored/looked-at by others the entire time/always and in that try to ‘be good’ and not make any mistakes/do anything wrong and please other the best I practically can so that I do not get victimized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/see/define/judge ‘being victimized’ as being ‘something’ ‘negative’ — so that I have accepted/allowed myself to create a fear/anxiety of/around it — instead of realizing that being victimized is ‘just’ when others judge me/talk shit about me/try to ‘make me down’/try to hurt me emotionally and ‘ridicule’ me in front of others within the attempt that the other(s)/all also ‘turn against’ me and that I am the one that Decide/Decided that these points of/as ‘judgement’/’others talking shit about me’ in/as the attempt to ‘ridicule’/’emotionally hurt’ me in front of others within the attempt to convince/make others also ‘turn against’ me — can ‘influence’, ‘hurt’ and ‘direct’ me — and in that decision I made have forgotten that I am the one that decided and that I can Decide again that these points do Not ‘influence’/’direct’ me. I Decide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and feel anxious about being victimized/ridiculed in front of others because I fear that others/all/everyone turn-against me and when all turn against me — I feel powerless and inferior and it feels like ‘killing myself’/’removing myself from the earth’ is the only way out because of the belief/definition/fear that if all/everyone/everything ‘turn’/’is’ ‘against’ me — that it means/proofs/is evidence that I am less/inferior/unworthy/not good enough/alien/being uncalled for/being out of place/not belonging here on earth/in existence and that in that the only way/solution seems like ‘killing myself’/’removing myself’ from earth/existence because ‘no one wants me here anyway’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and feel anxious about no one wanting me here/alive on this earth and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in that I imply the fear of not being ‘loved’ and that ‘being loved’ by others is my accepted and allowed evidence/proof that I do belong here on earth and am worthy of life/living and being here in this world because there are people who want me here on this earth/alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need/require others to ‘love’ me and ‘want me to be on this earth/alive’ in-order to ‘feel’/see myself as ‘worthy’ of life/being alive and having a place in this world and being allowed to occupy space in this world/existence and that I would become physically/practically and mentally incapable of further functioning if others where to ‘turn against me’ as that would mean/imply that they do not want me here on this earth/alive and are not content/okay with me occupying space in this world/existence — so that the only thought/feeling I have would be/is to ‘kill myself’/’remove myself’ from this world/existence because no one want me here anyway — and in that have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of being victimized and ridiculed so that I can somehow guard/protect myself from ‘others turning against me’ ever happening for real in making sure I please everyone and am nice to everyone the best I practically can and feel guilty when I am not pleasing others/able to please others in the way expected — so that they can in my ‘guilt’ see that I am ‘sorry’ and ‘punishing’ myself for not pleasing them as expected so that they have mercy with me and give me another chance to prove myself worthy of life/living/being here/occupying space in this world/existence.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 97 Self-Consciousness: Becomming a better/superior version of Myself.

This is the continuation of Day 96 Self-Consciousness: Feeling Watched and Fear of being victimized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to protect myself from an irrational fear, which is that the entire world turn ‘against’ me because I would not know how to deal with that point and whether or not I would be able to survive/continue living with knowing that no-one wants me here — instead of realizing that I would only be unable to live if I would decide it to be so and would use my own backchat/inner dialogue to bombard me with judgment to make me down/beat me up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that whether people are for or against me, want me alive/here on this earth/world or not — shouldn’t make any difference in my self-experience of/as ‘Who’ I am and my living in this world as-long as my living starting-point is self-honesty in/as honoring all life in/as equality and oneness in/as living according to/by the principle of/as doing what’s best for all life equally always because I am doing/living/expressing in my awareness and understanding and recognition of everyone/everything as being an equal to/as me as life and that’s nothing to feel unworthy or ashamed for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about being victimized/ridiculed because I am paying attention to and placing worth/value as ‘importance’ on the words/judgments/opinions of other about me instead of allowing myself to express myself in my self-honesty in/as the understanding that that is nothing to be ashamed of or feel unworthy for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while/as I walk down he street feel watched/monitored by the world/other people in whose view I am because I think and believe that they are paying attention to me and only me and in that I feel like I must present myself as the best version of myself possible and within that attempt to present myself as the best version of myself possible — change my behavior and physical-expression and feel unnatural and tense/constricted in my physical-movement and expression because I AM ACTING/’being’ unnatural instead of allowing myself to simply be/express naturally as I would if/when I would not have the ‘voice’ in my head telling me that I am being watched and in that ‘feel ‘watched’’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s the participation within the ‘feeling’ of/as ‘feeling watched’ that constricts and makes my physical-movement and expression ‘feel’ unnatural because I am ACTING as someone who I am not but believe is suitable to be superiorized/made More within others minds. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt be be superiorized/made more/seen as ‘more’ within the minds of others then what I really am within/as physical reality/fact/Is-ness, through Acting as someone that I am not really but ‘feel’ and ‘think’ is better/more/superior then Who I really am wihtin/as physical Is-ness/Reality — because I think and believe that this ‘better’/’superior‘/’more’ version/character of/as ‘Me’/’Self’ is more acceptable/likable/desirable then Who I am within/as Physical Reality/Is-ness — and within that have accepted and allowed myself to create a self-consciousness, where I am being self-conscious so that I can become this ‘better’/’superior‘/’more’/’more lovable‘/’more desirable’/’more acceptable’ version of ‘Myself’ instantly when/as I notice see that I am potentially/possibly in the view of others because I fear to not be accepted/liked/’payed attention to’/seen if I would remain Who I really am within/as Physical Reality/Is-ness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and see myself as Who I really am as a physical being in/as the actual physical reality/is-ness of myself — as less then and ordinary so that I fear, think and believe that I will not be accepted, liked, loved, desired by others if I would not stand-out from the ordinary people and within that try to become a ‘more’/’better‘/’superior’ version of ‘Myself’ which I believe/perceive/define/see as ‘standing out’/distinguishes from the rest/ordinary immediately when/as I notice/see that I am potentially/possibly in the view of others — never accepting/allowing myself to simply be who I really am and express myself naturally as I would do if I would not ‘feel watched’/have the feeling/energy-experience and voice in my head of/as ‘being watched’.

Within that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am also not accepting/loving myself because of this self-perception/self-definition of/as ‘seeing’ myself as ‘less’ and ‘inferior’ and ‘ordinary’ and attempt/want to become/be a ‘more’/’superior‘/’better’/’more acceptable‘/’more lovable’ version of ‘Myself’ before I can consider accepting/loving myself — instead of letting go of the irrational idea/belief that Who I really am as a physical being as the Reality/Is-ness of/as ‘Who’ I am in/as physical reality is not ‘good enough’ and accept/love myself/my body as ‘Is’ Here in this Moment within/as continuing my process of/as self-honesty through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application and realize that all life is in-fact equal as we are made of the same substance and come from the same source/origin, which is Life itself and that in that everyone/everything is ‘ordinary’ as in ‘being equal’ and no one being ‘more’ or ‘less’ or ‘more special’ then another.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 98 Self-Corrective Statements on Feeling Watched and Fear of being victimized

Continuing with Self-Corrective/Self-Commitment statements (Part 1) for Day 96 Self-Consciousness: Feeling Watched and Fear of being victimized. and Day 97 Self-Consciousness: Becomming a better version of Myself.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself with/to other males/others and from within that comparison judge myself as either less or more then the one I am comparing with as I see/realize/understand that I am doing so to create an energy-experience of positivity within myself through which I can feel good/happy because I am seeing/judging/accepting myself as being ‘more’ then the other and within that: I commit myself to also realize/see/understand that judgement will stem/flow from comparison/competition and in that I do no more allow myself to compare and compete with other males/others in-order to create energy-feelings/energy-experiences of happiness and superiority/moreness within myself. And I commit myself to when/as I see/find myself going into or already being within comparison/competition and judgement ‘mode’ to immediately stop participation and take a deep breath and let-go of the comparison/competition and through that stop the judgement towards myself and towards others and assist and support myself with/through breathing to remain here in/as the starting-point of self-honesty, oneness and equality and/as expressing myself as Who ‘I’ am Here and not trying to be ‘more’/’better‘/’grater’/’superior’ then ‘what’/’who’ I really am Here in/as physicality/physical reality and if breathing is not enough I commit myself to assist and support myself through self-forgiveness and writing to investigate the starting-point/dimensions/layers of why I compare/compete with others and judge myself and others from within there — Till I find/pin-point the ‘right’ reasons/points/origin/source to so be able to stop/clear/forgive/remove/correct it from there.

I commit myself to stop comparing my height, body-built/muscularity/masculinity, bone-structure, skin/complexion, hair (facial and body) with other males/others and in that stop competing with other males/others and assist and support myself through breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective applications to not participate in the comparison/competition should I ever again find myself participating in it — Till I in-fact never again participate in competition/comparison and the from there flowing judgement towards myself and others.

I commit myself to not allow myself to create/go-into/accept and allow myself to feel/perceive/see myself as ‘powerless’ and ‘inferior’ because of some damaged tissue on my body, like skin, and I see/realize/understand that I would go into that ‘powerlessness’ and ‘inferiority’ experience because I perceive/believe that I cannot have a ‘normal’ life because of my ‘condition’ of/as the damaged tissue and in that assist and support myself with/through breathing to let-go/stop participating in the belief/thought/backchat that I am inferior/’abnormal‘/imperfect/’not good enough’ and unable to have a ‘fulfilling’/’great’ life because of some damaged tissue on/of my body and realize that it’s me/myself who’s talking myself into the feeling/experience of powerlessness/inferiority because I have so convinced myself that the damaged tissue on my body is the world and all and everything of/as Me within the context that it really is the Definition of Me as ‘Who’ and ‘What’ I am and that there’s nothing ‘else’/’good’ left of me now. So, within that I commit myself to realize/see/understand that my skin/complexion and appearance is not the world and all and everything of/as Me and that it does not represents the Absoluteness of/as Me and is not the Definition of/as ‘Who’ and ‘What’ I am within the context of that I am nothing more/else then just that as I see/realize/understand that I have convinced myself of this to be so because I have prioritized/defined/valued appearance/skin/complexion/looks as the top priority/importance in (my) life and within that I commit myself to let-go of and no more prioritize/define/value appearance/skin/complexion/looks as the top priority and most importance in (my) life as I see/realize/understand that it’s not representing the Absoluteness of/as ‘being everything’ of/as me and standing as the actual Definition of Me as ‘Who’ and ‘What’ I am within the context that I am nothing more/else then just that. And I commit myself to assist and support myself within/through breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to move through/let-go/not-participate in/of the self-definition according to my appearance/skin/complexion/looks/body-image Till I get it — instead of going-into/crating/allowing and accepting myself to wallow in depression/desperation/powerlessness/inferiority/emotions/energy-experiences.

I commit myself within that to realize/see/understand that appearance/skin/complexion/looks/body-image is not the most important ‘thing’/the Alpha and Omega in life but that I have Decided that it is the most important and valued/valuable ‘thing’ within MY life and in that I commit myself to see/realize/understand that I can decide again that it’s not the most important and valued/valuable ‘thing’ in MY life. I commit myself to realize that everyone Decides about themselves and Their life and/as what is the most important/valued/valuable ‘thing’ in THEIR/ONES life. And so within that I commit myself to assist and support myself within/through breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application Till I have in-fact stopped seeing/having appearance/skin/complexion/looks/body-image/body-appearance be the MOST important/valued/valued ‘thing’ in MY life and instead have LIFE as ONENESS and EQUALITY, doing what’s Best for All Life Equally — Be the top-priority/MOST important/valued/valuable ‘thing’ in MY life.

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for myself and/as my mind and life and all my internal/inner energy-experiences and not allow myself to abdicate self-responsibility through beliefs that I have no power to change myself because I am unable to stop/change myself and/as my inner-experiences in a moment — but instead assist and support myself within/through breathing, writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application Till I get it/Till I change in-fact and not allow me to give-up just because I don’t manage to change me or stop an experience within/as me in a give time/time-frame but commit myself to walk as long as necessary Till I get it and change in-fact for Real.

I commit myself to immediately stop thoughts/not allow me to participate/follow thoughts in my mind because I see/realize that allowing/participating in/following thoughts in my mind will move onto the next step/level of backchat and form there to the next level/step of/as reactions/energy-experiences and form the on to the next level/step of/as physical-reaction/physical-experience/physical-living/physical-behavior and that I can stop immediately at the first level/step which is the Thought and not go deeper into the mind/energy which will create just friction/conflict within myself. So I commit myself to stop immediately at the level/step I become aware of that I am at/participating and not go deeper into the next level/step unnecessarily and within that assist and support myself with my own transcendence of the particular point by/through practicing/living the self-corrective application of/as not participating in the points that I am walking into self-correction/self-change.

I commit myself to stop feeling and thinking to be the center of attention and getting all the attention from everyone/everything just because I am in their view and realize/see/understand that being in someones view does not mean that I get all their attention and I remind myself that I myself do not fixate at one singular being the entire time without even for a second/moment taking off my eyes and thoughts off that one being — thus that my attention goes to many beings and not just one singular being. In that I commit myself to assist and support myself with/through breathing to let-go of/not participate in the Feeling and Thoughts/Backchat that I am being ‘watched’ and the center of attention and that everyone is looking at me and instead through/within the breathing become comfortable with myself in my own physical body to/and express myself unconditionally and ‘naturally’ as I would do when I would not have that feeling of ‘being watched’ like when I am alone and thinking that no one is seeing me just because I don’t see anyone. In that, I commit myself to realize that it’s really me/myself who is creating that Feeling of/as ‘Being Watched’ as ‘Being the Center of Attention’ with ‘All Eyes being on Me’ through Thinking that Others ‘Watch’/’Monitor’ Me and that I am the Center of Their Attentions just because They can see me/I am in their view/I see them, and that this Feeling would immediately be ‘gone’ in moments where I think that I am alone and thus in no one’s view. So in that, I commit myself to assist and support myself with/through breathing to stop and not participate/follow the thought and allow myself to Think that others watch me and that I am the center of their attention just because I can see them and they can see me/I am in their view — and instead remain Here expressing myself unconditionally and ‘naturally’ as I would do when I think that I am alone/no one sees me. And I commit myself to when/as I find/see myself thinking about others watching me and monitoring me and that I am the center of their attention just because I can see them and they can see me/am in their view and they are in my view — to immediately stop and assist and support myself with/through breathing in remaining Here in/as self-awareness and self-presence within/of/as my physical-body and allow me to express myself unconditionally and ‘naturally’ as I would do when I would think that I am alone.

I commit myself to stop fearing to be victimized and realize/understand/see that I am the one that Decided that being victimized/ridiculed/laughed-at/talked-against/acted-against can ‘hurt’ and ‘influence’ me and that I can Decide again for this to not be so. I see/realize/understand that it is in my hands/responsibility.

I commit myself to stop the fear of people using my mistakes and wrongs against me to ridicule and victimize me and turn-against and make others also turn-against me and within that stop the fear of making mistakes and doing something wrong itself and I assist and support myself with/through breathing to not participate/follow and allow the fear to influence and direct me but instead remain self-directive and express myself unconditionally without paying attention to and valuing other judgements of me and attempts to ridicule and victimize me. And I further commit myself to assist and support myself through breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to remove/stop the fear and anxiety of being victimized and the self-suppression/self-constriction in my living and expression and application because of the fear to be victimized — Till I have in-fact stopped/transcended the fear/anxiety/worry to be victimized and am living/expressing to my utmost potential to bring about myself and/as a world that is Best for All Life Till it is Done with no fears, like the fear to be victimized standing in my way and having the ability to stop/influence me in any way in my expression/living to bring about a Self and/as World that is Best for All Life Equally.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Dilan »

Day 101 “I AM because THEY SAY”/”THEY SAY therefor I AM” Character: Judging myself through others.

I just identified a character within myself. The “I AM because THEY SAY”/“THEY SAY therefor I AM” Character. This is the character where I essentially judge and define myself through others.

So, here I am now analyzing and deconstructing the character into it’s individual components of/as Thoughts, Backchat, Energy-Reactions of/as Emotions and Feelings, Physical-Body Changes and the first/initial memory/experience where I acted and created and stepped into this character:


Thoughts:

A picture of myself manifested as that judgement of the other

A picture of myself as (being) that very judgment of another

A picture of myself shaped and formed and manifested according to and as the judgement of another

A picture where I see myself in the detailed form and shape and manifestation of the judgment of another

Backchat:

“I am [the judgement]”

“Oh shit.. Am I really [the judgment]?”

“I don’t want to be [the judgment]..”

“I am less then/inferior”

“I am unworthy”

“I am not good enough”

Energy-Reactions of/as Emotions and Feelings

Shame

Embarrassment

Fear

Anxiety

Nervousness

Inferiority

Unworthiness

Judgment

Comparison

Physical Body Changes:

Hot Flush (especially in the face)

Headache

Sweating

Feeling hot

Hang my head in shame

Shiver

The body contracts/tightens

Suppressing self; trying to become invisible

Avoiding eye contact with others

Accelerated heartbeat

Accelerated and shallow breathing

Chest closes up

Difficulty breathing, like the air/oxygen is stuck in the neck and does not go into the chest/lungs at all

Petrified/Paralyzed

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever someone throughout my life said and judged me as something, to have internalized that judgement and believed it and in that judged myself equal-to and one-with their judgement of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever someone judged me throughout my life to have internalized that judgement within the context of: Believing them and believing the point of judgement to be true and within that took the very judgement and defined the totality of myself according to and as this very judgement. Where I have in this essentially judged myself through others. Took the judgement of others and made it my own judgement.

In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have throughout my life, whenever someone has judged me or I have interpreted others words towards me as a form of judgement and negative feedback — have accepted and allowed myself to immediately believe them and internalize the very judgement because I though that because they see me or think of me in that way it must be true and it must be Who I am. In that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, whenever someone has judged me or said words to me that I interpreted as judgement and negative feedback towards me, immediately judged myself through them, through their judgement because I believed that they are right because they ‘see’ me and they wouldn’t say anything that isn’t in fact so.

I forgive myself within that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through others, where whenever someone has judged me within my life, I have internalized their judgement and made it my own, judging me equal-to and one-with their judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, whenever someone has judged me or I have interpreted their words and behavior as a form of judgement and negative feedback towards me — to have also immediately judged myself in the exact same way they judged me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the character of “You judge me — I judge me” through which I would every time I see/hear/become aware of someone judging me or when I interpret others words or behavior as a form of judgement or negative feedback towards me — immediately judge myself in the exact same way they judged me or I interpreted their judgement. Making their Judgement my Own. Judging myself through them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I don’t have to do this and that I can set myself free from this habit, tendency and character and gift myself the freedom and liberation from self-judgement, fear and anxiety of others opinions about me and all I need to do is allow me to stop judging myself through others. Where when someone judges me I do not accept and allow me to judge myself through them, through taking their judgement and internalizing it, making it my own where I judge myself in the exact same way they judged me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character through which I define myself as and become the judgement of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the “I AM because THEY SAY” character to exist within and as me and to step into that character automatically when/as I see/hear/become aware of others judgements of me, where I would in that moment of seeing/hearing/becoming aware of others judgement of me, internalize their judgement and make it my own, where I would judge myself in the exact same way they judged me and would define the totality of myself according to their judgement/words just because THEY SAID/JUDGED that I AM what they see me as. In that literally saying/stating “I AM because THEY SAY”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so diminished in my self-assessment abilities that I have created a dependency relationship towards others to tell me Who I AM where I would when and as someone would ever judge me or I would interpret the words of others as a form of judgement and/or negative feedback towards me, immediately internalize their judgement, make it my own where I would judge myself in the exact same, equal-to and one-with way as their judgement and words and define the totality of Who I AM through their judgement, accepting the I AM to be what THEY SAY — instead of realizing that I indeed possess the ability to assess myself and assess Who I am because I have my self-honesty here and can very much tell Who I AM and don’t need others to tell me who I AM, through which I define Who I AM as that which THEY SAY.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the character “THEY SAY therefor I AM” to exist within and as me through which I define the I AM according to and as what THEY/others SAY; judging myself through others; judging myself through others judgements, words, opinions and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need others judgements and opinions and thoughts of and about me to tell me who I am and to see who and what I am instead of assessing myself and seeing for myself who I am in and through self-honesty directly. In that I don’t need others to tell me who I am, I cannot believe what others tell me about myself. I must cross-reference their view about me with my own direct-look at myself in seeing myself directly for what and who I am in and through self-honesty and not immediately believe their judgement and definitions of me, internalizing it and making it my own, where I as the ‘I AM’ Become what THEY/others SAY just because THEY SAY.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now go to the other polarity extreme of defining and seeing and believing everything others say about me to be false and a lie instead of realizing that others might indeed see the truth of me and see what I do not see in a moment but that I must not immediately believe that and internalize it and say that I AM and IT IS just because THEY SAY — but must cross-reference it with myself in self-honesty to see if it’s true or not.

But I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that in terms of judgements within the nature of ‘superiority’ and ‘inferiority’ it is one type of judgement to not internalize and make my own, through judging myself through them and their judgement, where I would judge myself in the exact same way, equal-to and one-with how they judged me and would define the totality of Who I AM as that/their judgement.

And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear and anxiety of others judgement of me because I know within myself that I will judge myself through their judgement because I believe it to be true, because They Say that I am what they say and therefor I am what they say. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what others say that I am is not necessarily true and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within that stop judging myself through others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot set myself free from the fear and anxiety of others judgement and that I cannot set myself free from the character of “THEY SAY therefor I AM”/“I AM because THEY SAY”, where I judge me through others, because there is this one point of that others might also say the truth about me — and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must not believe and internalize the judgement of others and believe it to be true and define myself as the Who I AM as and according to the judgement/words of others and what they see in me or see me as and that I can indeed see myself, see Who I am by and for myself in self-honesty and must cross-reference what others say about me with myself in and as self-honesty and that the point of this character that must be stopped is: Defining myself, defining Who I AM as and according to what others say that I AM just because they SAY so. And that I can indeed set myself free from this.

To continue with the identification of the first/initial memory of this character and with more self-forgiveness.



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