Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 06 Aug 2012, 18:24

Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

This is going to be a series, because, obviously, in my life I have quite gone to extreme levels of self-judgment. So, in this series I am identifying and deconstructing each self-judgmental character Till they are no more.

***********
“But you are a man in this life that created characters to judge yourself in every possible way…”

— from a chat with Bernard and Sunette
***********

Self-Judgment Character Components:

Thoughts:

Pictures of ‘Me’ transformed into the self-judgment my thoughts and backchat consist of and exist as.


Backchat:

“I am (what my thoughts and backchat say about me)”

“My thoughts are right (I am what they say that I am)”

“My backchat is right (I am what it says that I am)”

“Am I really (what my thoughts and backchat say that I am)?”

Energy-Reactions of/as Emotions and Feelings:

Self-Judgment

Inferiority

Worthlessness

Powerlessness

Fear

Anxiety

Depression

Self-Suppression

Shame

Embarrassment

Guilt

Physical Body Changes:

Accelerated Breathing

Heart Racing

Closed-Up Chest

Shallow Breathing

Getting weak in the knees

Hanging one’s head

Avoiding eye-contact

Tension

Constricted Body Movement

Cautious Movement

Trying to not take up much space

Avoiding social interaction

First/Initial Memory:

So, what’s the first initial memory as time in my life where I created the self-judgment character and started believing what my thoughts and backchat as inner voices in my mind/head were telling me about me as judging me, to be true and in turn judged and defined myself through them?

The first moment that popped up was during the third class in gymnasium, but I can actually see it way before that, even at elementary school.

A particular memory is: We had a homework assignment to do and we had to write an essay about some fantasy adventure experience of our choice, I decided to write about an adventure to the land of music. Now, I didn’t exactly understand how the assignment had to be structured and what was really expected. And I started to write how I somehow found myself waking up in the land of music, and then I started filling the rest of the assignment with the lyrics from songs I liked at that time. So, the next day, back at school, we had to read our essay title aloud and from there the teacher decided who should read their essay aloud. The said that mine sounded interesting due to the title. And I was asked to read my essay aloud. And, since most of my essay was lyrics from songs, I obviously had to read them, and firstly the teachers and the class mates laughed when I started singing, but then when I continued with reading lyrics form songs I wrote as my essay, the teacher interrupted me and said that what I did is WRONG and that I missed the point of the assignment. And they said it in a behavioral way that I interpreted as judgement and negative critique towards me, and then I had thoughts and backchat/internal conversations of:

“I am bad”

“I am a failure”

“I am no more good enough because I did my assignment wrong”

“I am stupid because I didn’t understand the point of the assignment”

“The teacher don’t like me anymore because I did my assignment wrong”

“I am a bad child because I made my assignment wrong”

And I believed my thoughts and backchat telling me that about me and in that I immediately went into self-suppression because I was embarrassed and ashamed and self-conscious, and I remained quite/silent throughout the day, cautious and trying to not make any more mistakes.

And the memory that popped up of the third class in gymnasium I now see, was actually the time I started creating or expanding the self-judgment character to include judgement of and towards my physical body appearance and obviously believed the self-judgment character as thoughts and backchat and feelings/emotions I had of self-judgmental nature, to be true, Buying into the self-judgment character’s thoughts and backchat and feeling/emotion experiences and judging and defining myself through them.

Consequences:

So, what are the consequences of allowing the self-judgment character to exist in and as me?

A consequence is, obviously, that through existing as the self-judgment character I compromise myself in my own self-expression and living, because I will only express to the extent that the self-judgment character allows. Meaning that I will only live and express myself to the extent that the self-judgment character will not judge, and as soon it starts judging my expression and living I will compromise my expression and living.

Another consequence is clearly the self-diminishment taking place due to the self-compromise and self-suppression because of the self-judgment. I mean it’s really not cool and preferable and enjoyable to live in constant self-suppression and self-diminishment, just because of ideas, beliefs and fears one has about himself or herself or itself that one judges oneself for.

Taking the point of consequence further to encompass overall process, it’s clearly able to be seen, that the allowance and acceptable of oneselve’s existence in and as the self-judgment character will compromise ones ability to walk process, especially when it comes to walking the world-system, because the self-judgment will not allow oneself to stand in the face of any and all challenges and assert oneself to bring about and live and stand for what’s best for all life, no matter what. Because the self-judgment character will diminish and compromise and suppress Self.

What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Judgment character:

So, what’s the FEAR that created the self-judgment character and is keeping it alive?

What I can see, from the initial memory of the self-judgment character is that I went into it because of the Fear to be Victimized. So, it’s like, I stepped into the self-judgment character to protect myself from being victimized by my teachers and class mates. Because through judging myself I want to make sure that I do everything right. That everything is perfect before others see it, like trying to close and remove all gaps and opening that might possibly/potentially be there in my application, expression and living that could be used against me to victimize me. So, I will judge me and my expression, application and living until I am satisfied that there are no gaps or imperfection left that could be used against me to victimize me. So I will judge me before another judges me. But I am not seeing that I am victimizing myself there through my own self-judgment. So, trying to prevent to be victimized by others, I decide to victimize myself before another does so.

What I can see as the main fear behind it is the fear that I am not good enough. So, I somehow try to ‘better’ myself through self-judgment because I will judge me for so long till, in my eyes, I see no more imperfections that could make me ‘not good enough’ according to societies/others perceptions/views, acceptances and definitions of perfection and imperfection and what is acceptable and what not and what is good and what not and how one should be/express/live and how not.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create characters through and as which I judge myself in every way possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost and hopeless when thoughts and backchat arises of self-judgmental nature because I feel like I cannot ever stop me from judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I have thoughts or backchat of self-judgmental nature, that what I tend to immediately do in such moment, is to believe the thoughts and the backchat as voices in my head as believe everything they say to and about me and in that belief immediately judge myself through my own thoughts and backchat and define myself as and according to the content of the thoughts and backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and backchat when they start throwing words, images and sentences of judgmental nature at me because I believe that it’s me speaking to myself and that they are therefor right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat that arise in my mind as words, images and actual conversations in my head and to, because I believe myself to be these self-judgmental thoughts and backchat, believe what they say to and about me and define myself through and as them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character that believes the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat it has to be true and defines itself through and as the content of these thoughts and backchat and in that judge itself through the thoughts and backchat it has as if the thoughts and backchat tell the fucking truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist as the “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what they say about me” character through and as which I believe my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat and believe myself to be them and judge and define myself through and as them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character as which I automatically believe my self-judgemental thoughts and backchat and define myself as and based on their content as if they tell the fucking truth and as if they fucking know me instead of realizing that I created myself as characters to judge me in every way possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, understand and become aware of that when I make the decision to stop to judge myself and self-judgmental thoughts and backchat still arise within my mind, then it’s by implication evidence that these thoughts and backchat is not ‘Me’ because ‘Me’ as ‘I’ as ‘Self’ decided to stop to judge me. So I forgive myself within that that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat and in that believe what they tell me about me and define and judge myself through them, even though ‘I’ as ‘Me’ as ‘Self’ made the decision in a physical breath as a directive principle and authority to STOP to judge me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must stop to BELIEVE the thoughts and backchat through and as which I judge and define myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have defined myself so much as my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat and characters that I really believe them to be ‘Me’ to such an extent that I believe everything they say to be true and believe everything they say about me, as if they fucking know me for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat, while I have made the decision that I am stopping to judge myself and that I am not participating in any form of self-judgment any longer. And in that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that whatever self-judgmental thoughts and backchat emerge after I made the decision to stop to judge myself in all it’s forms, that it is not ‘Me’ because ‘I’ stopped to judge me and that I must find what these self-judgmental thoughts and backchat are and why they still emerge, for real, and then eradicate them for ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the self-judgment character and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the self-judgment character when it judges me and tells me things about me and for judging and defining myself through the self-judgement character while ‘I’ have clearly decided to stop self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the self-judgment character authority to direct me and decide how I experience and see myself and who I am and what to think and do next, instead of standing as self-authority here in and as the physical flesh in self-honesty.

Self-Corrective statements:

TO DO in my next post



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 07 Aug 2012, 13:45

Day 112 Self-Corrective statements on the Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

Character components:

For the Self-Judgement character components, see Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

Self-Forgiveness:

For the Self-Forgiveness part, see Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

Self-Corrective statements:

I commit myself to find and eradicate any and all characters through and as which I judge myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application and set myself free from the self-diminishing and self-compromising and self-suppressing existence of myself.

I commit myself to not give-up and stop until I have found and eradicated all characters through and as which I judge myself.

I commit myself to not allow myself to feel lost and helpless when I have thoughts and backchat as actual inner conversations that judge me and to believe that I can never stop the self-judgment because I always have thoughts and backchat through which I judge me but to instead keep pushing myself and continue walking my process of self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application till I find ways as solutions to actually stop the self-judgment for real for ever.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have a tendency to believe what my thoughts and backchat judge me as and that I in that belief, judge and define myself through the judgement of my own thoughts and backchat and in that I commit myself to not allow myself to believe my thoughts and backchat judging me and in that not allow and stop judging and defining myself through the judgment of my own thoughts and backchat.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I am not my thoughts and backchat that judge me, because I see, realize and understand that ‘I’ as ‘Me’ as the ‘Self’ have made the decision to stop to judge me and my body and because ‘I’ stopped to judge me, whatever still emerge in and as my thoughts and backchat that judge me — is not ‘Me’ because ‘I’ stopped to judge me. And I commit myself to assist and support me with and through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to find and eradicate the reason and starting point of these self-judgmental thoughts and backchat that still arise and come up even though ‘I’ as ‘Me’ as ‘Self’ stopped to judge me.

I commit myself to not allow me to believe that I am my thoughts and backchat that judge me because I see, realize and understand that ‘I’ have made the decision to not judge me anymore.

I commit myself to not allow me to participate in the thoughts and backchat that judge me because I see, realize and understand that these thoughts and backchat that judge me are not ‘Me’ because ‘I’ have made the decision to stop self-judgement and thus I do not allow me to believe the thoughts and back-chats that judge me and tell me who and what I am. And I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the application of ‘not participating’ in the thoughts and backchat that judge me and ‘not believing’ them and ‘not judging myself’ through them — is the corrective application, the corrective living where I assert as LIVE the decision I made to stop self-judgement.

I commit myself to stop believing that the self-judgmental words, images and conversations I have in my mind in form of thoughts and backchat are ‘Me’ and in that believe that the thoughts and backchat are telling the truth about ‘me’.

I commit myself to not allow me to define and judge myself through the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat I have, but to assist and support myself with and through breathing to remain here in the physical and live my decision of ‘not judging myself’ through ‘not participating’ in and ‘believing’ and thus defining and judging myself through my thoughts and backchat that ‘judge me’.

I commit myself to not take the judgement of my thoughts and backchat towards me personal and internalize it and to thus not participate in it and believe it and judge and define myself through it, but to instead simply find it’s root through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application and remove it, without taking it personal or reacting towards it.

I commit myself to simply not participate and believe the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat that come up in my mind, but to instead remain breathing and living my decision of ‘not judging myself’.

I commit myself to not allow me to believe what my thoughts and backchat tell about me and say that I am.

I commit myself to not allow me to belive what my thoughts and backchat define me as.

I commit myself to not allow me to exist as a character that believe the thoughts and backchat that judge it and judge and define itself through the judgement of it’s own thoughts and backchat.

I commit myself to stop and not allow me to exist as the “My thoughts are right: I am what they say about me” character and to thus not believe that my thoughts and backchat are right and that I am what they judge me as and what they say that I am.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with and through breathing to remain here in the physical and live my decision of ‘not judging me’ physically and practically to not participate in and believe the thoughts and backchat that judge me.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that ‘I’ am NOT the self-judgment character because ‘I’ DECIDE to STOP self-judgement.

I commit myself to immediately STOP and NOT participate in and to NOT believe my self-judgemental thoughts and backchat. And I further commit myself to assist and support myself with and through self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective application to stop the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I MUST STOP to participate in and BELIEVE my thoughts and backchat when they judge me because I see, realize and understand that if I participate in them and believe what they say, that I am in that moment judging and defining myself through them.

And I also commit myself to see, realize and understand that I must stop to participate in and believe my thoughts and backchat when they judge me in order to stop the point of self-judgement because I see, realize and understand that every time I participate in and believe these self-judgment thoughts and backchat, that I am in that just maintaining their existence because I am participating in them and that very participation in them is the self-action of ‘believing’ them and ‘judging’ and ‘defining’ myself through and as them.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the very allowance and action to participate in my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat, is the self-action of ‘believing’ them and ‘judging’ and ‘defining’ myself through and as them and thus I am maintaining and perpetuating my existence of self-judgement.

I commit myself to not allow me to believe that my thoughts and backchat know me and in that believe everything they say about and to me.

I commit myself to not allow me to judge myself through the self-judgment character because I commit myself to not believe the self-judgement character when it judges me and in that I do not take the judgement of the self-judgement character personally and internalize it and make it my own judgement of myself.

I commit myself to not allow me to give the self-judgment character authority over me and allow it to decide and dictate how I should experience myself and how I should see myself as.

I commit myself to not allow the self-judgement characters and the thoughts and backchat that judge me to decide and dedicate to me how to see/view/perceive myself.

I commit myself to not see/view/perceive, judge and define myself through the self-judgement character.

I commit myself to not see/view/perceive, judge and define myself through what the self-judgment character judges me as.

I commit myself to stand and live self-authority as stopping self-judgement through not allowing myself to participate in, believe the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat in my mind and not see/perceive/view, judge and define myself through them.

I commit myself to assist and support me through self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective application and breathing as ‘not participating in’ and ‘believing’ the thoughts and backchat that judge me — to assert and live self-authority as ‘stopping self-judgement’. I decide to stop to judge me and in that I do not allow me to participate in, believe and judge myself through my own thoughts and backchat that judge me.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the reason why I have such a problem and find myself unable to let go of the judgments I have towards myself, is because I BELIEVE the thoughts and backchat that judge me and because I BELIEVE it to be true I cannot let-go because I define myself through it. I define my ‘Self’ through and as it.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I can investigate and forgive judgements and self-judgments without taking them personally and judging myself for even my own judgements and judgmental thoughts and backchat I have.

I commit myself to not allow my thoughts and backchat that judge me to change how I see myself.

I commit myself to not allow my thoughts and backchat that judge me to change how I live me and how I interact with reality.

I commit myself to not allow the self-judgment character to change how I see myself, how I live and how I interact with reality.

I commit myself to not allow my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat to change my perception of myself as how I see me.

I commit myself to be aware of my thoughts and backchat and to red-flag immediately when there are thoughts and backchat that judge me, to breathe and not allow myself to believe the thoughts and backchat and to not believe the thoughts and backchat to be ‘me’ and thus to not take them personally and internalize them; thus not judge and define myself through these thoughts and backchat that judge me.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 08 Aug 2012, 17:01

Day 113 Self-Judgment character (Part 2): Self-Judgment happens only in MY MIND. I am the one that decide to judge or NOT to judge.

Continuing with the self-judgment character:

This is a continuation from:

Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

Day 112 Self-Corrective statements on the Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

## Character components:

For the Self-Judgement character components, see Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own mind as thoughts and backchat judging me because I BELIEVE it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people judging me because I BELIEVE their judgment and take and make it personal and internalize it and judge and define the totality of myself through them as their judgment and perception of me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that no one and nothing besides ME can judge ME, because all self-judgment happens in MY MIND and MY MIND ONLY.

Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it doesn’t matter if others judge me because it’s me who believes the judgement and allows myself then to judge and define the totality of myself through their judgement, so it all happens in and through MY own MIND.

Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘I’ decide whether or not to judge me through others judgement of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others as their judgement of me to change how I see myself, by allowing myself to believe their judgement, take and make it personal, internalize it and judge and define the totality of myself through their judgement of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout time have accumulated fear of others judgements of me to such an extent that I have developed my fear into a constant anxiety I experience in social interaction, as social anxiety, because I have allowed myself to BELIEVE each and every single judgement as words people have throughout my life said to and about me and about who I am according to their perception and judgement of me, and took and made their judgement of me personal, internalized it and judged and defined the totality of myself through their judgement of me, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that any and all self-judgment goes on and happens in MY MIND and MY MIND only, because ‘I’ am the one that decide to judge or NOT to judge me through others judgements and/or what others tell/say about or to me as their perception of me.

Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have absolute self-responsibility, authority, directive and decisive power over my self-judgment because I am the one that decide to either judge or not judge me and the one who decide to believe or not believe my thoughts and backchat or other people that judge me or tell me who and what I am according to their perception of me as if they fucking know the entirety and totality as every single detail of and about me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my minds and others judgement of me to decide and change how I see myself and how and what I live and how I interact with reality, because I believe my minds and others judgement of me and take and make it personal, internalize it and judge and define the totality of me through my minds and/or others judgement of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my minds as thoughts and backchat’s judgement of me and believe other peoples judgement of me and in that belief merge-with, amalgamate-with and fuse-with my minds and/or others judgement of me, taking and making it personal/’me‘/’self’, making it my own/’me‘/’self’/’I’, judging and defining the totality of myself through my minds and/or others judgement of me, self-becoming the judgement my mind and/or others have of and towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust and believe my minds judgement towards me, while I clearly see that self-judgement is something that is used AGAINST me, it makes me feel shit and drag me down and diminish, victimize and suppress me and why would ‘I’ use something against me to make me feel shit and to diminish, victimize and suppress me, such as judging myself through my own mind as thoughts and backchat?

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust and believe myself to be my minds as thoughts and backchat’s judgements of and towards me, while I clearly see that ‘I’ wouldn’t use my own thoughts and backchat against me to diminish, victimize and suppress me, such as through self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the insecurity character to tell me that I am my minds as thoughts and backchat’s self-judgement and that it’s true what my mind as my thoughts and backchat judge me as and because of allowing and accepting the insecurity character to have authority, directive and decisive power over me and because I believe it, I believe the judgement of my mind as thoughts and backchat it has towards me and in that take and make the judgement personal, internalize it and judge and define the totality of myself through it, accepting and allowing my minds as my thoughts and backchat’s judgements of me to change how I see myself, how and what I live and how I interact with reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the insecurity character to tell me that I am the judgement other have of and towards me and that what others judge me as is true and because of allowing and accepting the insecurity character to have authority, directive and decisive power over me and allow it to tell me who I am and because I believe it, I believe the judgement of others and in that take and make it personal, internalize it and judge and define the totality of myself through it, accepting and allowing others judgement of me to change how I see myself, how and what I live and how I interact with reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that any and all self-judgment always happen only in and through MY MIND because I am the one that decide whether or not I will take others judgements of and towards me and process it in and through my own mind in making and taking it personal, internalizing it and judging myself through their judgement.

When Jesus said: “Judge not” – Did he realise that only thoughts can judge? Stop thinking – no judgement. He must have understood it! Looking at his self-expression – No thought made his journey possible.

— excerpt taken from Bernard Poolman — Clear the temple

Self-Corrective statements:

[TO DO in my upcoming posts]



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 08 Aug 2012, 17:16

Day 113 The Inferiority Character (Part 1)

Character components:

Thoughts:

Pictures of me standing right next or in front of another manifestation or expression, such as another being or a point. And in the picture I am this minute, tiny, little thing in comparison to the manifestation or expression I am standing besides or in front of, which is so much bigger then me. Like I am this pebble standing besides an entire mountain that overshadows me, making me invisible and kind of ‘non existent’.

A picture of me as a small child with a teddy in his hand and slouched body posture, holding his teddy in one arm and using his other arm to wipe of his tears, standing in front of this huge dark, black monster/creature that emerged from the ground, with his mouth wide open and huge sharp teeth and his arms spread making a gesture to expand itself even more and make itself even bigger, making a gesture like he wants to grab me with his huge sharp hands. And me as the little kid with his teddy, crying silently just looking up and feeling insignificant, frightened and anxious as the monster/creature overshadows me with ease where I feel so small and tiny in comparison to this huge monster/creature, being unable to hold a candle to it.

Backchat:

“He/She/They are so much better/greater then me”

“Look what they can do. I cannot do that. They are better then me.”

“Look how they are, I am in no way like them. They are better then me.”

“I am so worthless.”

“I am inferior/less then.”

“I am insignificant.”

“I can’t do what they can, so I am worthless and less then them.”

“I wish I could do that.. I am so worthless and inferior..”

“I wish I could be like them.. I am so worthless and inferior..”

Energy reactions of/as emotions and feelings:

Inferiority

Fear

Anxiety

Shyness

Embarrassment

Shame

Self-Suppression

Self-Judgment

Self-Criticism

Self-Conscious

Listlessness/Inappetency

Depression

Physical body changes:

Trembling

Slouched shoulders

Closed-up chest

Tilted head

Avoiding eye contact

Avoiding social interaction

Looking on the ground hiding one’s face

Sluggish body movement

Flushing/Hotness and redness in the face

Blushing

Shallow and heavy breathing

Gasping

First/Initial memory:

[TO DO in my next post]

Consequences:

[TO DO in my next post]

What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Judgment character:

[TO DO in my next post]

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my thoughts to tell me that I am inferior, less then and less worthy then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and backchat telling me that I am inferior, less then and less worthy then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive and define myself as inferior, less then and less worthy then everyone and everything else I see and believe the feeling, thoughts and backchat telling me that to be true, instead of realizing that I have created ideas and beliefs in my mind and unless I meet up to these ideas and beliefs I will always feel and judge me as inferior, less then and less worthy then others, so it all happens in MY MIND really, through mere IDEAS I created or copied from others at some point in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my thoughts and backchat to tell me that everyone and everything else is so much better then me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind as thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings telling me that everyone and everything else is so much better then me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the totality of myself as inferior, less then and less worthy then everyone and everything else I see because I believe my thoughts, backchat, feelings and emotions telling me that I am inferior, less then and less worthy then others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘I’ am the one who decided to accept, define, judge and see me as inferior, less then and less worthy then everything and everyone else and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘I’ am the one who decided to believe my thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings telling me that I am worthless, inferior and less then others and made these statements and judgments of my mind personal, internalized them and judged and defined myself through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in constant experiences of inferiority and worthlessness towards others, everything and everyone else in my world, always hiding myself, because I believe my mind as thoughts, backchat, feelings and emotions telling me that I am not good enough and that everyone and everything else is better then me, instead of realizing that everyone is better at SOME points, but that that POINT they are better at then another does not DEFINE the TOTALITY of themselves as Superiority over myself or another and thus equally does NOT define the TOTALITY of myself as Inferiority and Worthlessness and ‘not being good enough’. It’s SOME ‘points’ as skills that some are better at then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive, judge, define and accept myself as being inferior, less then and worthless because my mind as thoughts and backchat tell me that I am so and I actually believe it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am not my thoughts and backchat telling and making me feel inferior, less then and worthless because I see, realize and understand that ‘I’ wouldn’t make myself deliberately feel inferior, less then and worthless through my own words, thoughts and backchat and thus compromise, diminish and victimize myself because I see, realize and understand that that is rather stupid and irrational !

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the feeling of inferiority, feeling less and feeling worthless will only be generated through (the participation in) thoughts and backchat and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I stop participating in and believing the thoughts and backchat that tell me and judge me as inferior, less then and worthless in comparison to others and stop comparing myself with others, there is no feeling and perception of inferiority or superiority, this being evidence that inferiority and superiority only exist in the MIND as an IDEA created by MAN and made a FEELING through THOUGHTS; stop thoughts and what will be seen through the eyes of the physical as what is here is equality in everything and everyone; thus no superior or inferior forms in comparison or competition with or judgement of each other.

So, in the the next post I will identify the following points of this character:

First/Initial memory

Consequences

What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Inferiority character

As Well as continuing with more self-forgiveness from there on.

Self-Corrective statements:

[TO DO in upcoming posts]



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 12 Aug 2012, 15:32

Day 114 The Inferiority Character (Part 2)

This is a continuation to Day 113 The Inferiority Character (Part 1).

I am now continuing with the identification of the rest of the character components missed in Day 113 The Inferiority Character (Part 1).


First/Initial memory:

It was at the end of third year in gymnasium and I was re-registering into another school. I went to have a look at the school building and I saw these guys and one of them was tall with an athletic build and he was essentially representing the type of body I was after. When I saw him I felt inferior. The backchat in my mind was:

“Wow..”

“His body is so better then mine, look at mine, I am so chubby and ugly”

“Why can’t I be like this guy..?”

“He’s so much better then I could ever be”

“He’s great and I am so inferior to him”

“I’m not good enough”

“Gosh, look at his body.. I bet he has a great life with that body. I wish I was him.”

“He’s so free in his expression, why can’t I be like him..”

And I felt anxious, ashamed of myself and/as my body and embarrassed to look him in the eyes. I tilted my head, looking at the ground, gazing here and there in awe at him when he wouldn’t be looking into my direction. When I saw him, I literally felt like he represents something unreachable and impossible for me. Something so high and great that I can and will never ‘accomplish’ or ‘get to’ or ‘be’. Something I can never reach for. And I literally thought of myself as this small little ‘something’ overshadowed by this guy in all ways with ease, this guy’s greatness and superiority over me making myself seem so insignificant and worthless and invisible. Obviously, I had this whole trail of thoughts and backchat judging me as and telling me that I am inferior, less then and worthless in comparison to this guy. And I obviously BELIEVED my thoughts and backchat, believed that I am my thoughts and backchat judging me as inferior, less then and worthless and because I believed it to be me and the judgement of my own thoughts and backchat to be true, I immediately took and made it personal, internalized it and became one-with and equal-to, merged-with, fused-with, amalgamated-with and created myself in the image and likeness of the judgement of my thoughts and backchat and made the judgment ‘my ‘Self’’; in other words: I transformed myself into the judgement of my thoughts and backchat; I became it; I created and accepted me into ‘it’ in it’s image and likeness exactly to the detail through judging and defining the totality of myself through and as it and thus ACCEPTED myself AS what my mind through thoughts and backchat was judging and defining me as.

So, that’s the memory that popped up kinda first or most prominently when I was looking into me for the first/initial memory regarding the inferiority character.

Consequences:

So, what are the consequences of living as the Inferiority character?

What is obvious is the self-diminishment and self-suppression that takes place through accepting myself as inferior and worthless towards and in comparison with others.

And another point is, that I won’t take certain points on because I have already given up within myself in relation to the point within the context that I made peace inside me that I can not ‘reach’ or ‘become’ or ‘do’ something/a particular point because I feel, think, backchat myself into the acceptance of myself as being inferior and less-then ‘that’ point or task or thing. So, I won’t do it, I won’t live it because I accepted it within my mind as being just too big for me, being too great and superior for me to ever ‘reach’ or be ‘equal to’ ‘it’.

And in relation to process, there is quite drastic consequences, because I won’t be able to take on and walk the world-system effectively and stand steadfast in asserting my self-honesty and what is best for all because of accepting myself as inferior to certain people, expressions or points in this world or existence and therefor I will be compromised and suppressed and diminished in my ability to walk and talk and share and live my self-honesty and what’s best for all because I exist in FEAR towards others or points. Accepting me as less then, inferior to certain people and points.

And, living in inferiority isn’t a cool and enjoyable way of living because one is always at the self-compromising, self-diminishing and self-suppressing side. One is never able to live and express oneself to the fullest, there’s always some suppression and diminishment of oneself going on because one just feel as accept as see oneself as inferior to others, like, oneself isn’t worth it or allowed, doesn’t have the permission or allowed-freedom to express oneself freely and openly and unconditionally without any self-suppression or self-diminishment or need to temper one’s expression and living because oneself see and actually BELIEVE oneself to be inferior and less then.

So, the obvious consequence is the self-diminishment and self-suppression going on and happening within and through accepting myself as inferior and less then others or points.

There is much of untapped/wasted potential through accepting and allowing oneself to live in and accept oneself as inferiority just because one created this IDEA in ones mind in the past that one is inferior and less then and worthless in relation and comparison to and with others or points that ones MIND now tells and judges oneself constantly through thoughts and backchat and where one then BELIEVE the judgement and definition of oneself the mind as ones thoughts and backchat have of oneself an then in that belief make and take it personal, internalize it actually accept-self-as as literally transform self into the judgement and definitions ones mind as thoughts and backchat have of oneself, judging and defining oneself through ones thoughts and backchat that judge oneself as if it’s telling the fucking truth and knowing self in fact in and out to have the ability to judge and define oneself in ones totality. But the question if never asked by oneself of: Why would ‘I’ use my own words, thoughts, backchat, feelings and emotions as energy-experiences to talk me down and diminish me into making me accept, see and feel myself as inferior, less then and worthless? Why would ‘I’ diminish and compromise and attempt to destroy myself?

Thus one will develop into an ineffective being that is always on the self-diminishing, self-victimizing and self-suppressing life-style and expression.

What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Inferiority character:

So, what is the FEAR that and through which I created the Inferiority character in the first place?

Let’s have a look…

What came up in my mind, kinda immediately when I looked at the question was the point of: Fear that the mind or others are right when they tell me that or judge me as being inferior, less then, worthless, not good enough etc.

Or the Fear that I am ‘not good enough’ as I am HERE and that there is MORE to me to ‘achieve’ because I FEEL like there is MORE and that I am just not enough as I am Here. Or because I am just not FEELING ‘complete’ or ‘good enough’ and perceive and see everyone and everything else as ‘more’ and ‘better’ and feel like I can be ‘more’.

Or when others express in an authoritative or dominant way, that I immediately interpret and see and take their expression as a sign of their superiority over me. Like if others would yell or speak in a dominant voice and in a self-confident way and move their body self-confidently and authoritative and dominant, that I would pick that expression, movement and presentation of themselves up as a sign and evidence of their greatness as superiority over me and in that define, see, judge and accept myself as inferior JUST because I am not able to speak in such a self-confident, authoritative and dominant manner, way and expression. Thinking and believing that because I can’t and they can speak in an authoritative, dominant, assertive and confident way that that defines their superiority and my inferiority. Not realizing that the only reason I ain’t able to speak in such a way, as an example, is because I am not allowing myself to because I have never done that because I have always, throughout my life been existing and allowing myself to exist in the inferiority/’I am inferior‘/’I cannot do that or be like that’ way/life-style/self-acceptance.

Like when parents would express and move themselves in a authoritative and dominant way and raise their voice and speak fluently and self-confidently, making themselves sound as if they are all-seeing and all-knowing, and giving orders and telling what oneself as a child must do, what oneself as a child is allowed to do and what not and what consequences will await oneself as a child if it ever dare do what it was forbidden to do by it’s parents.

And because I was a child and as a child one is PHYSICALLY inferior to their parents, adults and older in regards to physical strength and size and because as a child one is dependent on their parents and because of the rights parents have in treating their children in the ways they see it as appropriate — and because of that as the way the system exist and accept parenting — onself as a child was powerless in doing anything against their parents and oneself was literally forced to abide to them, their rules and regulations.

And because of those childhood years, where I was inferior and powerless towards my parents, my father and adults in general because of the way the system exist in and as accepting parenting and the parent-child and adult-child relationships in this world, I picked that initial years of my life where I, because I was a child, was inferior and powerless against my parents and adults, I picked that inferiority and powerlessness up as being the evidence that I am indeed inferior to others and that others are superior to me and so much better then me, with me being really powerless and less then them. Instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that that inferiority and powerlessness in my childhood was not fact and truth and evidence and definition of my inferiority and others superiority over me, but that that inferiority and powerlessness was FORCED ONTO me to ACCEPT and BELIEVE in and pick up and DEFINE myself as and through it due to the ways the system function and is allowed to exist as in the relationship to parenting and the child-parent and child-adult and child-elder relationship.

And I also in and during my childhood years picked the belief up that I am not allowed to and do not have the permission to do certain things and express and live myself in certain ways because my father, my parents and other adults forbid me to and threatened me with fear in form of threatening me with consequences that will await me if I ever dare to do what they forbid me to or not do what they told me I must.

Not realizing that the child was FORCED into and MADE BELIEVE into it’s inferiority and powerlessness through the parents parenting and the worlds education system and through other adults. Where the inferiority and powerlessness was programmed and patterned into the child’s mind and body where the child’s mind and body would then later on from that stage use the pattern against the child itself to submit and force it into self-acceptance and compliance of and as inferiority and powerlessness. Not realizing that this shit is a pattern programmed and forced into the child in and during it’s childhood years by parents and adults and education and the world. And thus that the child is NOT REALLY inferior, less then or worthless but that it was FORCED into MAKING itself BELIVE and accept that it is.

The child was forced into accepting it’s own inferiority and powerlessness and worthlessness. That’s child abuse. That’s bullying. And the initial programming of the pattern of inferiority, powerlessness and worthlessness will result into the child being later bullied by its own mind and body as the mind and body is using it’s own programmed patterns to submit and force the child into acceptance and compliance of/to inferiority, powerlessness and worthlessness or whatever the pattern programmed into the child is. And in that moment the child’s life has become ruined for the rest of it’s life. Another potentially great and magnificent life has been destroyed through patterns patterned into the child through parents and adults and this world system.

And that’s also where I programmed/developed my fear of adults and authority figures, specifically.

Thus the FEAR that motivated and initiated the creation of the Inferiority Character is: The Fear of being bullied, teased, mocked, ridiculed, PUNISHED. Generally speaking the Fear of being VICTIMIZED due to instances of victimization as punishment taking place in my past, in my childhood years.

Lol. Now I got the Fucker !



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 12 Aug 2012, 16:06

Day 115 The Inferiority Character (Part 3)

Continuing with the point of: “What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Inferiority character” from Day 114 The Inferiority Character (Part 2):

I ended off with the following:

Thus the FEAR that motivated and initiated the creation of the Inferiority Character is: The Fear of being bullied, teased, mocked, ridiculed, PUNISHED. Generally speaking the Fear of being VICTIMIZED due to instances of victimization as punishment taking place in my past, in my childhood years.

Because what would happen in my childhood years is that if I would not obey to others rules, words and orders they would punish me in some way. And this punishment can be anything from actual physical violence like beating me up, or ridiculing me in front of others, or teasing and bullying me from there on. Thus where I would be victimized by and through others if I would not obey and follow the rules, words and orders of others, like my fathers or teachers. And so I would create a character as which I would become and act like a good boy and would try to please others and show respect to others, especially adults, and behave and act like I am inferior and less then and feel guilty and afraid and anxious if I would not obey to others orders, to try to get some mercy from the adults/others I failed to please, so that they would not punish/victimize me like I was victimized before or like I saw other children being punished and victimized if they failed to obey others/adults orders. Showing the adult or other that I am less then, worthless and that I can’t compare to their greatness and that they are much better and more then me. Just so I can prevent being punished or victimized ever again like before. Because what happened when I was punished or victimized before is that I would take it personally and be overwhelmed by my emotions and feelings and feel hopeless and helpless, like mesmerized, unable to move or do anything against it and would because of not understanding my inner experience of myself and not not knowing what I can do about it and not knowing how to deal with it, submit to my emotions and feelings, and take the event/punishment/victimization personally and define the totality of myself as being a bad and evil boy because my thoughts and backchat was reasoning with me that if I were a good boy I would be punished/victimized, so I must be bad and evil and deserve it. And the adults punishing/victimizing me would often say words like “You little” and then the judgment. And I would interpret their words of “You little” as that I am inferior and less then them because they call me little and also because I wasn’t able to really do much about being punished and victimized because I was a child and had no rights. So I had to accept it. And what I did was that I accepted and defined myself as inferior towards the adults or any other authoritative figure or any other being that would express and move in a way that I would not dare to express and move me in and as.

Like, this one moment with my family where we had visit from relatives and I was playing and jumping and exhilarated and in my exhilaration and expression I knocked something down, or I said something vulgar, and my dad slapped me immediately in front of relatives/others and I in that moment felt so ridiculed and victimized that I started to cry and suppressed myself totally and contracted me physically and I felt so ridiculed and small/inferior that I was ashamed and embarrassed to establish eye contact and show my face, but remained crying and totally physically contracted with my back to my relatives and my front to the wall so that they would not see me.

Another memory, is: I was in elementary school and we had physical education/gymnastics and I forgot my gym stuff and the teacher said “Well then you’ll have to do it in underwear” and all the other kids laughed and I felt so ridiculous/ridiculed, small/inferior and humiliated in that moment and during the entire gym session, always adjusting my tank-top so one would not see my underwear and I was already at that stage quite self-conscious. Obviously what I can see is that my self-consciousness developed through instances/moments in my past/childhood where I would be punished, ridiculed, teased, mocked = victimized. So I could check myself through an additional consciousness cross-referencing with my primary consciousness that I am presenting and behaving well in a way that will be socially acceptable and that others would not make fun of me, ridicule, mock, tease, punish and victimize me for.

“I was like this guy before, but then I discovered the art of not giving a fuck.”
— from a comment on YouTube video of a short film about being self-conscious

So, obviously I gave a fuck = valued what others said and thought about me. And so in fear of them saying or thinking anything bad/negative of me and thus something they could use against me to make fun of me, ridicule, mock, tease, bully, s punish and victimize me for I created the self-conscious character as an additional consciousness to make sure I am always ‘safe’ from ever again in my life being made fun of, ridiculed, mocked, teased, bullied, punished and victimized like I have been before in my past/childhood.

Ok, this is a bit off the topic. So back to the Inferiority character:

And another memory is: My family and I were visiting relatives in our home country and I was in a room with my brother and cousins and we played there. My brother then went out to the toilet and I locked the door just for a giggle and my brother then went to my dad and my dad called me. I went to my dad and there were also other relatives and beings in the living room and my dad asked me why did I lock the door and before I could say something he slapped me in front of everyone else. I felt so ridiculous/ridiculed, humiliated and degraded and I felt so small, inferior and defenceless that I ran crying into another room because I felt so ashamed of myself and so humiliated and victimized in front of everyone and in front of my cousins.

So, I created the inferiority character to protect myself against being punished/victimized. The inferiority character is thus then a self-protection and self-defence character against punishment and victimization.

So, in the upcoming posts, I will walk the eradication and death process of this fucker (inferiority character) through Self-Forgiveness and then from there take it through to Self-Corrective statements and then from there to the Self-Corrective application/living to eradicate this fucker once and for all!

It’s enough ! I’ve allowed this character to exist in and as me for too long ! I decide ! I am the authority ! I am the self directive principle ! And I stop and eradicate this character from and as me !



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 12 Aug 2012, 18:21

Day 116 The Justification Character and the “I don’t want to do this” Character (Part 1)

My chest is closed up and my stomach is bloated, so let’s have a look at what is happening:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a closed up chest and a bloated stomach because I am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger which I try to suppress to not have to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to instead of suppressing my anger causing physical discomfort, face the anger and the experience and see what it is and how I can correct it, thus face it immediately instead of suppressing it and putting it on ‘hold’ and make it a ‘problem in waiting’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am angry because I allowed me to be more ineffective then I am potentially able to within the last few days in relation to walking my day regarding process.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the reason for my anger being my acceptance and allowance to be guided by my thoughts and internal conversations as backchat to not face myself in each day to the utmost potential I am able to, and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see and understand the reason for my anger being my acceptance and allowance to give into characters and thoughts and backchat that came/come up in my mind and allow me to be directed by them to pursue my desires, wants and preferences of work and justify through the energy-experiences of feelings and emotions, that caused further physical body changes and experiences, why I am not sticking to my self-directive self-application and living but allowed me to be directed by my thoughts and backchat.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I also experience fear and anxiety and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that together with anger, I experience fear and anxiety because I am aware of my acceptance and allowance to give into characters and my thoughts and backchat, justifying why I did/do not walk my day effectively with the time available, but allowed me to listen to my thoughts and backchat and characters tell me that the experience of resistance is to much for me to face, walk and breathe through and continue remaining self-directive breath by breath, and thus why I allowed me to use the resistance as justification why I did/do not walk certain points or do certain tasks effectively to the potential I am able to do and walk them.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my acceptance and allowance over the past few days in giving into and allowing my thoughts and backchat and characters to tell me what to do and tell me that it’s to hard and difficult to face, move and breathe through my resistances and discomforts I have with facing myself and doing my self-responsibility tasks, instead of remaining the self-authority and self-directive, continuing to walk my process and day effectively to the potential I am able to, breath-by-breath, till the day is over, not allowing and accepting my characters, thoughts and backchat to decide for me what to do in my day or a moment and what to think and experience and what and how to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my acceptance and allowance over the past few days of allowing my mind as thoughts, backchat and characters to reign over me and for allowing them to tell me what to do and how and what to live in a moment instead of remaining self-directive, through the backchat “It’s okay”, “It’s no big deal”, “It happens” and “It ain’t that serious” — through those backchat making it ‘okay’ in my mind that I allowed characters to decide for me what and how to live instead of having remained the self-directive principle, walking breath-by-breath but instead allowed me to give into justifications why I am not walking my process and my days as effectively as I potentially could.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I experience anger, anxiety and fear because I am aware that I allowed myself to deliberately be self-dishonest by listening to and believing my thoughts, backchat as characters telling me in moments that it’s okay to postpone whatever I was doing in a moment and allowing them to direct me, instead of remaining the self-directive principle and face myself and walk my process and day breath-by-breath as effectively as I potentially can within the time available to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone digging into the material of my new Agreement Course lesson because I have thoughts and backchat telling me that it is tedious and will cause a lot of physical discomfort like it did before, because I have to face myself self-honestly in walking the course and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because I allowed myself to listen, believe and allow my thoughts and backchat to decide how I experience myself and what and how to live and do, allowed me to postpone and thus not read the lesson material of the Agreement Course and do my assignment. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and justify why I allowed myself to listen to my thoughts and backchat and postpone through backchat of “It’s okay”, “I’ll do it later”, “Let me do this and that first”, “I don’t feel like doing this right now, let me instead do that, it’s also important and needs to be done”.

Huh, my chest started opening up with the last self-forgiveness statement above! So, let’s dig deeper into it. What I can see is the Justification Character coming through. Let’s see if it’s indeed that character. Lol, now as I wrote about the justification character my chest opened up more and breathing becomes easier. Seems like the right direction, so let’s keep walking in this direction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications to make it seem okay why I allowed myself to postpone my duties in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that I used justifications for why I allowed me to postpone my ‘duties’ as self-responsibility tasks in my process, like self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective-application, reading heaven’s and creation’s journey to life blogs, doing my DIP assignment and reading through the new lesson material of the AGR course and doing the rating and listening to EQAFE video interviews through various justifying backchat statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and try to hide from myself the fact that I used justifications why I allowed me to postpone my self-responsibility tasks and what I saw needed to be done in moments, immediately, but instead postponed it and made it okay/justified it in my mind in and through various backchat; trying to make myself believe that it’s okay what I did and that it’s nothing serious or ‘important’ or ‘to look at’/’face’, just so I do not have to deal with my self-dishonesties because that postponement allowed me to do more of what I desired, wanted and preferred doing more then my self-responsibility tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear and anxiety in relation to my awareness that I allowed myself to get away with using justifications to postpone my self-responsibility tasks, like self-forgiveness, and for being self-dishonest deliberately and then become angry at me because I suppress the fact that I am suppressing.

Justification Character:

Character components:

Thoughts:

Tedious

Picture of me doing something else more enjoyable in my eyes

Picture of me with a smile and happy expression doing other things, that I did in my past through which I felt good and happy

A black/dark/blank picture in relation to the task I am doing, where I am standing and looking in front of me at the task and seeing only black, dark and blankness in the future, being unable to see the point or how I will be able to do this or that (the task/point I am resisting to do)

A picture of me standing and looking forward to the task or point I am walking and I see only blackness, darkness and blankness. I am unable to see how I am supposed to walk the point or do the task. The task or point seems impossible and out of reach for me to do or walk because I see only black, dark and blank when I look forward to doing the task or walking the point.

A picture of me having a good time doing other things

Backchat:

“It’s okay”

“I’ll do it later”

“Let me do this and that first”

“I don’t feel like doing this right now, let me instead do that, it’s also important and needs to be done”.

“Oh god.. How am I going to do this..”

“I know it’s self-dishonest but..”

“Should I do it or not.. ?”

“It’s okay to do this later”

“Ah! It’s not a big deal, I will do it later/another time”

“Ah, Fuck it! Why shouldn’t it be okay to do this later anyway!”

“Why am I making such a big fuss out of it; I will just do it later and that’s it. I decide so !”

Energy reactions of/as emotions and feelings:

Resistance

Tiredness

Fear

Anxiety

Self-Judgment

Anger

Guilt

Relief

Happiness

Comfort

Physical body changes:

Chest closes up

Tense shoulders

Constricted breathing

Bloated stomach

Stomach hardens

Faster and deeper breathing

Nervousness (is this a physical experience or an energy experience?)

In upcoming posts I will continue with the identification of the character components:

First/Initial memory

Consequences

The Fear as Starting point of the character creation



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 13 Aug 2012, 16:55

Day 117 Being self-conscious about my hair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-conscious about my hairdo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because of allowing me to be self-conscious about my hairdo, accepted and allowed me to feel anxious and afraid when it started to rain heavily because I had thoughts, backchat and the emotion of fear and anxiety about looking ugly and being judged if my hair gets wet and picks to the head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have and follow the thoughts and backchat manifestations emerging in my mind about looking ugly and being judged by others because of my hairdo when my hair gets/is wet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and through accepting and allowing myself to have and follow and participate in and believe my thoughts and backchat telling me that I look ugly because and if my hair gets/is wet, accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure. And in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because I accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure through giving-into, accepting, following, participating-in and believing my thoughts and backchat in my mind telling me that my hair looks ugly when it’s wet; felt energetically driven to look into a mirror or other reflections to check my hairdo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I gave into, followed, accepted, participated in and believed my self-conscious thoughts and backchat emerging in my mind, felt the energetic need to check myself in a mirror or reflection to make sure that my hair is doing fine and to so calm my fears down, because I accept and allow me to believe that I cannot face, walk and breathe through my self-conscious experience and the insecurity I experience and thus not check my hair in a mirror or reflection because I see, realize and understand that if I would check my hair or myself in a mirror or reflection it would be done from the starting-point of being self-conscious, insecurity, fear and anxiety of others judgement and because of self-judgement, because it is my ‘being self-conscious’, my fear and anxiety of others judgements, my insecurity and my own self-judgement that initiated the action to check myself or my hair or body-part in the mirror or a reflection, instead of it being a checking for physically practical purpose and reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my own self-conscious thoughts and backchat that I avoided physical eye-contact with others because I was trying to hide myself because of all the thoughts and backchat in my mind that I was allowing me to follow, participate in and believe and DEFINE-MYSELF-AS, telling me that my hair looks ugly, like in this case that my hair looks ugly because it’s wet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow, participate-in, follow, believe and define myself as and through the self-consious thoughts and backchat in my mind, telling me that I now really NEED to check myself in the mirror or any other reflection to see if my thoughts and backchat are right or not and telling me that I can NOT FACE, WALK and BREATHE THROUGH the insecurity, self-consciousness, fear and anxiety and self-judgement emotional-/feeling-, thought- and backchat experiences coming-up in my mind and remain self-directive and LIVE-ME instead of allowing my mind as thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings to decide who I am, what and how I live and change my behavior and living in reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I indeed have the ability, capacity, strength and will-power to FACE, WALK and BREATHE THROUGH my self-conscious, fear and anxiety, insecurity and self-judgement emotional-/feeling-, thought- and backchat experiences and thus NOT give-into, follow and participate in them and in that re-live the same patterns over and over again, where if I do that, transcendence becomes impossible because I am always re-living and re-creating and maintaining the same patterns and if I do what I’ve always done, I cannot change for real.

So, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what I’ve always done is that I’ve always allowed myself to listen to, follow, participate, believe and define myself through and as my thoughts and backchat telling me that I cannot FACE, WALK and BREATHE THROUGH my physical-, emotional/feeling-, thought- and backchat experiences; and that that has caused the looping inside the same patterns which is the reason why I haven’t ever really changed myself for real and transcended a point in/as me, because I’ve always been doing the exact same thing over and over again, never stepping out of it in-order for self-change and transcendence to become in fact reality.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to change for real I must do what I’ve never done before and thus stop what I’ve always been doing and in that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in order to change myself for real and transcend points in/as me for real, I must STOP following, participating and believing my thoughts and backchat that tell me that I can NOT FACE, WALK and BREATHE THROUGH my physical-, emotional/feeling-, thought- and backchat experiences and discomforts and that I am powerless in regards to the pattern/point/experience and MUST re-participate, re-follow, accept, comply and submit to it again because I have no other option left, and in accepting and allowing myself to believe that thoughts and backchat conversations in my mind, accept and allow me to always participate, follow, comply to, believe and live-out the same patterns/points over and over again, never in fact simply standing here, taking a deep breath, stopping to follow, participate in, comply to and BELIEVE my thoughts and backchat telling me that I cannot change and instead in fact in and as physical breath FACE, WALK and BREATHE THROUGH my/the physical-, emotional/feeling-, thought- and backchat experiences and/as LIVE ME as the SELF-CORRECTIVE-APPLICATION as the LIVING WORD and in THAT CHANGE MYSELF for REAL.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 13 Aug 2012, 17:02

Day 118 Friends: Endorse and enforce myself into old good self-diminishment and self-dishonety

I feel a heaviness again inside me and don’t want to do anything but to lay down. So, what is it that I am not wanting to look at? Let’s find out through self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a heaviness in me an not want to do anything but lay down.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am angry because I am always aimlessly walking with my friends somewhere doing absolutely nothing practical but wasting time, talking verbal diarrhea and support, enforce and endorse each others self-dishonesties, acceptances and allowances and limitations and in that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every time I go out with my friends, I afterwards feel heavy, tired and depressed, not wanting to do anything but lay down, and for not allowing myself to notice, see and realize that the reason for feeling and experiencing myself in that way afterwards is because of the very nature of the time spend with my friends and in that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, understand and notice that the very nature of the time I spend with my friends is one where we walk aimlessly, talk verbal diarrhea, support and endorse each others dishonesties, acceptances, allowances and limitations, enforcing each others self-diminishing and self-dishonest patterns, acceptances and allowances and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that unless I STOP to allow myself to spend my time with my friends from such a self-diminishing nature and starting-point, that I will cycle in my experience of heaviness, tiredness, depression, guilt, anger and frustration afterwards because I see, realize and understand that based on the nature of the time I spend with my friends currently, I have been enforcing myself into the acceptance, allowance and living of the same old patterns of self-diminishment, self-dishonesty, fear, anxiety, judgment and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time with friends with walking aimlessly, talking verbal diarrhea and wasting our breaths with enforcing and edorsing each other into the same old patterns, dishonesties, acceptances, allowances, fears, anxieties, judgments, comparisons, competitions, thoughts, backchat, feelings, emotions, experiences and limitations — instead of spending time with each other in which we assist and support ourselves and each other to stop and find solutions for our dishonesties, patterns, acceptances, allowances, fears, anxieties, judgments, comparisons, competitions, thoughts, backchat, feelings, emotions and experiences.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if such a friendship nature is not possible with the friends I have now, then I must end the friendship and no longer go out with them because I see, realize and understand that if I don’t end the friendship and continue with it deliberately, despite my awareness and understanding of it’s nature where we assist and support each others self-diminishing acceptances, allowances, patterns, thoughts, backchat, experiences etc. that I will never change for real because I am always deliberately re-creating and participating in the same old patterns, acceptances, allowances and experiences — but do not want to even think of and consider to have to end my friendship because of the fear to be judged, ridiculed, laughed at and despised by my friends and the others they might tell about me and that I ended the friendship because of this and that.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to decide what we are going to do when we go outside and not end up walking aimlessly ending up doing shit, doing more harm to ourselves then we would have done if we each remained at home.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stipulate with my friends what to do when we meet, such as for example playing table tennis, and then go and play table tennis and do something with an aim instead of walking aimlessly, talking verbal diarrhea and ending up with just supporting, assisting, endorsing and enforcing our own and each others self-diminishing self-dishonesties, acceptances, allowances, patterns, thoughts, backchat, feelings, emotions, experiences and limitations, not realizing that we are actually ending up abusing ourselves and each other and our bodies as-well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when going out with my friends, always end up walking aimlessly, talking verbal diarrhea and end up just assisting, supporting, endorsing and enforcing our own and each others self-diminishing and limiting dishonesties, acceptances, allowances, thoughts, patterns, backchat, emotions, feelings and experiences because I fear to take a stance and end the self-bullshitting and self-abuse done through such aimless, verbal diarrhea time spend with my friends, because I fear potentially ensuing conflict with my friends if I were to take a stance and say “NO”, “I go home”, “I don’t want”, “What we are doing is bullshit, I won’t allow me to participate in it any further” and thus in fear of conflict and being despised by my friends/others, end up abusing myself and my body by and through re-living the same old self-diminishing and self-limiting patterns, acceptances, allowances, dishonesties, thoughts, backchat, emotions, feeling and experiences where self-change becomes something IMPOSSIBLE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look out for and worry about my friends being and getting angry with me and despising me and therefor, out of accepting and allowing myself to be moved and directed by my fears as fearful thoughts and backchat, not dare to take a stance within myself to NOT allow me to participate in any self-dishonest, self- and life-diminishing and self- and life-limiting activities, things and points and immediately stop and correct myself whenever I see, realize, understand, notice and become aware of participating in such things, activities and points.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, understand and notice that when I spend time with my friends we always end up walking the same paths and routes aimlessly, talking verbal diarrhea and hold non-sense conversations without any self-awareness and self-direction, ending up with just assisting, supporting, endorsing and enforcing our own and each others self- and life-diminishing and self- and life-limiting dishonesties, patterns, acceptances, allowances, thoughts, backchat, feelings, emotions and experiences; doing nothing more then to abuse ourselves over and over again, never being able to change ourselves for real because we always re-live the same old patterns, acceptances, allowances, thoughts, backchat, emotions, feelings and experiences because I see, realize and understand that as long as I continue to live what I’ve always lived and unless I thus stop what I’ve always lived and done, I will never change for real.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I don’t take the directive principle together as one as equal with my friends in deciding what we will do, and thus spend our time together with an aim and objective, that we will end up walking aimlessly and with doing unexpected things because we allowed the mind as thoughts and backchat to give us ideas what to do from where we act instead of acting from within and as our own initiative and directive principle.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this instance of how I spend time with my friends, where we end up walking aimlessly, waiting for our thoughts to give us ideas about what to do from where we then act, where when we act from our thoughts we always end up talking verbal diarrhea through which we just assist, support and endorse our own and each others self- and life-diminishing and self- and life-limiting dishonesties, acceptances, allowances, thoughts, backchat, emotions, feelings and experiences — is the EXTERNALIZED manifestation and existence of what I do WITHIN myself as my mind, where I end up aimlessly walking in my mind dimension searching, looking and waiting for some special thoughts from which I then act, ending up with unexpected and undesired bullshit in myself and my life, just because I didn’t take a stance within myself and decided to stand as the self-directive principle and self-authority and live that decision, but instead abdicated my directive will, authority and decision-making to the mind to through my thoughts and backchat tell me what to do next.

Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s really true, that what I do and live externally in the physical world, I do so internally within myself, equally as one and that the very nature how I spend my time with friends is the equal and one mirror of the nature how I ‘spend time’ within myself, walking aimlessly in my mind, from one thought to the next, looking, searching and waiting for the best thoughts to give me the best ideas about what to do next from where I act and live my life and walk my day, every day, ending always up with no more or less then re-living, re-enforcing and maintaining my self- and life-diminishing and self- and life-limiting dishonesties, acceptances, allowances, patterns, thoughts, backchat, emotions, feelings and experiences; never being able to change myself for real.



Dilan
Posts: 653
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 14 Aug 2012, 15:19

Day 119 The Inferiority Character (Part 4)

This is a continuation to Day 113 The Inferiority Character (Part 1), Day 114 The Inferiority Character (Part 2) and Day 115 The Inferiority Character (Part 3).

When I look back at what I wrote down as my first, initial memory of the inferiority character, I now see that that is not the beginning of the inferiority character. The inferiority character started actually in my childhood years where my dad would yell at me..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the inferiority character in times where my dad yelled at me, because I was so frightened of his sudden change in expression that I didn’t know what was happening and what I did wrong, and went into shock within myself, and felt inferior because I didn’t know what was happening and what to do about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into the inferiority character when someone is yelling at me or being angry with me because I am being overwhelmed by my emotions and feelings inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and feel overwhelmed by my feelings and emotions and because it came all of a sudden like a energy wave over me, and I didn’t know and understand what it was and how to deal with it in my childhood, went into inferiority within myself to the experience I had within me as a reaction to what was happening in my world and from there on defined and accepted myself as inferior to the world just because I didn’t understand what it was I was experiencing inside me and how to deal with it, instead of having realized, seen and understood that I experience something inside me that I do not understand and know how to deal with at the moment, but it doesn’t mean that I am that which I experienced in that moment, and to not allow me to define and comply to that experience inside me and believe it to be me unless I understand it in all it’s dimensions of how and why it was created and what it in fact really is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and see myself as inferior and go into immediate inferiority when someone is expressing even the slightest annoyance and anger towards me, because I have physical-, feeling-/emotional-, thought- and backchat experiences that I feel overwhelmed with and don’t entirely understand and because I believe these experiences to be real and to be me, I believe what they say to me and in that believe them when they say that I am inferior to the person expressing annoyance and anger towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child in my childhood years, when I would be slapped or yelled at by someone, would go into immediate inferiority and accept and comply to me thoughts, backchat and emotional/feeling experiences that say to me that I am inferior and powerless because I felt overwhelmed by my inner experiences and the event where I was slapped or yelled at and went into immediate self-definition and self-acceptance of/as inferiority because I wasn’t really able to do anything about it because I was a child and physically weaker then the adults or older children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child in my childhood years to depict the fact that as a child of certain age I was physically weaker then other children who were older then me and also physically weaker then adults, to depict that fact as an evidence that ‘I’ am inferior in my totality of/as who I am as a being, the ‘I’, the ‘self’, the ‘me’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was just a physical point of inferiority in relation to my and others physical designs and developments and not meaning that ‘I’ am in fact really inferior and less then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child in my childhood years connect someone yelling with me to being punished because of instances in my childhood years when someone would yell at me and slap me because I didn’t obey and from that moment of developed a fear of upsetting and annoying people so they do not yell and/or become angry with me because I fear to be victimized like I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, see, accept and believe myself to be the inferiority character and to thus really be inferior to others, just because of my childhood years, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as a child in my childhood years I did not understand what I was experiencing inside me and did not know how to deal with it and therefor went into self-acceptance and self-definition of inferiority and self-suppression and that what happened in my childhood years does in no way mean that I am in fact inferior then others and that I need to suppress myself because of that BELIEF of being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through and based on my childhood years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child in my childhood years when I would have thoughts, backchat and emotions/feelings telling me that I am inferior, would go into the self-suppression character because of believing and defining myself through the thoughts, backchat and emotions and feelings telling and judging me as inferior to the other person or point.




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